The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Fifty-nine



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TITLE: Degrees

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

NOTE: One chapter left.

Words: 4554

Shego caressing her pet.

This motherfucker! This motherfucking bitch asshole! I’m going to fucking rip him a-fucking-part as soon as I get up! They’re going to send me to jail when I get through with that cocksucking fucker! That is if they ever figure it out because I’m not leaving any fucking bits of his fucking body! I’m going to beat his motherfucking ass! Ah! Just wait until I get up!

Shego’s face was incredulous to what had just happened. She was laid out in the street and it was doubtful that she was going to get back up. She was shaking a bit, not that she was aware of it. The trembling was more than likely caused by the shock that her body was going through because of what happened.

The super-powered officer was shot in the abdomen, by her ex-boyfriend nonetheless. She was bleeding out thanks to projectile that tore right through her body like a hot knife through butter. At the moment, she was too astonished to realize that the wound hurt like hell. She had actually been shot. That bastard actually shot her. She was so pissed right now!

“Shego, are you all right?” Kim inquired as she fell to her knees, getting the officer’s blood on her clothes. She did not care about her stupid clothes. She just wanted the love of her life to be all right.

“Dummy, don’t…don’t worry about me. He’s looking to kill you,” Shego pointed out in a breath. There were tears gathering in her eyes, but she was no more aware of that anymore than she was aware that her body was twitching.

As soon as those words left her mouth, Kim had to dive out of the way to avoid getting hit by a laser. The shot missed the slender hero, but the remaining Bebe rammed her as soon as she landed. Her back collided with a car and she grunted on impact. She dented the car door and her eyes went wide with agony. Her ribs were taking quite the beating that day, right along with the rest of her.

“Look at what you made me do! You made me hurt Shego!” Drakken cried as he aimed his weapon at the redhead once again.

“Yeah, blame me,” Kim groaned as she rolled out of the way of another laser. For a guy so concerned about Shego, he was taking much too much an interest in trying to end her life, Kim thought considering the fact that Shego was bleeding in the fucking street from a hole in her abdomen.

“You unholy little monster! I’ll kill you for ruining my Shego and stealing her from me!” the onyx-eyed inventor hollered.

“She was mine first, you fucking prick,” the redhead informed him while ducking for cover and holding her ribs. God, her whole torso was in total agony and she was not helping it by moving around as if she was totally fine.

“She’s mine!” Drakken screamed.

“Stop acting like a fucking psycho, so we can get Shego some help!” Kim suggested in a furious tone. The love of her fucking life was bleeding in the fucking street and that loopy bastard was still hell bent on her destruction. How the fuck could he dare say that he loved Shego and still be focusing on killing her, Kim wondered. He was such a fucking moron and she would never forgive him if Shego died because he wanted to be a dumb-ass.

“I’ll get her help after I get rid of you!” he declared. That was right. He would get rid of the girl that was ruining Shego’s life and then go save her. Then they could be together like they were supposed to be, he believed.

Kim sucked her teeth in disbelief and in fury. She could not believe that he was going to be so insanely stubborn about things. He had obviously gone off the deep end and it did not seem like he was going to come back. Fine, she was going to have to take him down quickly because Shego needed help now.

The redhead dashed out into the street as an idea finally came to mind. It seemed that she did not have enough stress in her life to think of something before. She dived and rolled to avoid getting hit with a laser and snatched up one of the Bebes heads. She swiftly dipped behind a car for some cover. Drakken tried to spot her with the naked eye since he could not see her on the monitor in his three-legged robot.

Shego swallowed hard. She was starting to realize how much her wound hurt and it was taking all of her willpower just to stay conscious. She tried to steady her breathing and she reached for her cell phone. She was going to have to learn to carry a walkie-talkie, as that was a rule that she had chosen to ignore her whole career because she did not think that she needed one. She called Betty and hoped to hell that the one-eyed woman picked up. She could always be calling at a busy time and Betty would not answer, thinking that she was only calling to be annoying.

“Yeah?” the chief answered in an impatient tone. She was doing paperwork and she wanted to get through with it. She did not need her friend distracting her with whatever unimportant thing it was that she undoubtedly wanted to discuss just be a pest.

“Hey, Bets, I need backup. I’m down. Fucker shot me….” Shego groaned into the phone. She was panting and trying to keep her mouth from going dry. She was also speaking in a low voice because it felt like that was all she could muster.

“Shot you?” Betty echoed in a tone of both disbelief and confusion. People hardly touched the moss-hued officer when she went out and now she had to believe that Shego was shot. At the moment, she would sooner believe there was currently life on Mars.

“Yeah, I’m shot, damn it! He’s trying to kill Princess. Send backup and stop asking stupid fucking questions,” Shego huffed into the phone and she groaned in pain. It hurt to be angry, but damn it, her best friend was pissing her off. They needed help now, not skepticism.

“Roger that,” Betty said in her most professional tone, which showed that she understood the severity of the situation. If her best field agent was shot and calling for backup, she totally comprehended that the circumstances were dire. It was a bit surprising because she thought that she had given Shego a rather mundane assignment since robot rampages happened about once a month and Shego always came back about thirty minutes after heading out with spare parts in her hands. She guessed that the assignment was not as ordinary as it seemed and to think, she just wanted to her friend to stop staring at her desk when she handed her the job.

Shego hissed in pain as she hit the button to end the call. She used her quickly fading strength to look around the battlefield to spot her girl and make sure that she was all right. She could not see much from her perspective on the ground. She just saw debris and the legs of Drakken’s machine.

If something had happened to her Princess, Shego was going to slaughter that silly blue bastard in the worst way possible. She was going to have psychopaths vomiting when they found out what she had the nerve to do to Drakken if he had harmed her beloved in any way, shape, or form. There was not even going to be words to describe what she did to him if Kim was hurt.

The trim redhead was putting in work because now she was beyond livid. She needed to stop Drakken, so she could get the downed green-skinned officer some medical assistance immediately. She glanced at Shego to make sure that she was still all right. She could see the pale woman trying to look around, so it was spectacular to know that she was still alive. But, who knew how long that was going to be considering the size of the hole in her body and all of the blood that she was losing. Every second counted for Shego.

The redhead started putting her brain to use and put Drakken’s robot to use. She hooked up the Kimmunicator to the head of the Bebe and then pulled out her laser lipstick. He was not the only one with a powerful laser on the block and she was about to heat things up. She attached the laser lipstick to the machine’s head and then was looking to amplify her laser through the Kimmunicator batteries. She was going to run her laser through the robot head and sync it with the Bebe’s laser. If everything went according to plan, she should be able to nail that crazy asshole with one powerful shot.

Now, Kim only had one problem and that was that she could not see Drakken from the ground because his robot was too high. She supposed that she could just cut through the legs, but they were rather thick and that would take more time than she was willing to spare. She was going to the direct source of the problem and get everything over with as quickly as possible.

The redhead poked her head out of her hiding place and put her mathematic mind to work now. She looked at the position of the laser and remembered where Drakken was standing when she saw him when he first arrived on the scene. She aimed the head at the appropriate angle by her calculations and then opened fire. An energy sphere the size of a softball shot out of the robot’s mouth and tore right through Drakken’s machine. Kim was thrown back by the blast. She had not expected the thing to have such a kick to it.

“What the…?” Drakken said as he heard the shot and then he fell back as his machine started exploding all around him.

“Hey, kid, you all right?” Betty asked Kim, who was sitting on the curb and looking rather out of it. The brunette woman approached the hero the second that she caught sight of her. She knew that Kim had been the intended target of all of the madness, but still, when she first arrived on the scene, she had to check on her friend.

The slender hero looked like she could do with some medical attention and a hot, long shower. She had been sitting there when Betty and a large group of officer’s showed up a few minutes ago. The police and ambulances were all over the place with good reason considering a number of people did get caught up in Drakken’s mania.

“I’m all right,” Kim answered with a sniffle. She wiped some blood from her nose, but that did not help much considering more blood just oozed out. It went well with all of the other things leaking blood on her face, like her eyebrow, lip, and several other cuts. “How’s Shego?” the girl asked with deep concern in her voice. She hoped to hell that they got to Shego in time. If the pale woman died, Drakken was going to pay dearly, severely.

Betty pointed over to a stretcher. Shego was being loaded onto the carrier by a couple of paramedics. Shego, amazingly enough, was still conscious, even though she had lost a lot of blood thanks to Drakken. He had shot her with a laser cannon and left her with nearly an inch and half wide hole in her abdomen. A lesser soul would have been dead already from the wound.

“Is that crazy fucker still alive? Keep him that way because when I get out of the hospital, I’m going to fucking kill him! You hear me, blue boy? I’m going to fucking murder you! I’m going to fucking burn every inch of your disgusting fucking body with my plasma at full fucking force and send your fucking ashes to your fucking mother with a fucking card explaining what the fuck the package is!” Shego declared and she was trying her damnedest to get up from the stretcher.

“Shego, don’t get up!” Betty called to her enraged friend and then she turned her attention to the obviously exhausted redhead. “Go ride with her to the hospital. Make sure she doesn’t hurt herself or anybody else. Get yourself looked at too,” the one-eyed woman instructed Kim, who looked ready to fall out.

It was obvious that the girl needed some looking at by a medical professional too, even though she had not made any moves to get medical attention. There was no way anyone that was in the middle of the mess that they were standing in right now could come away and not require medical attention. It just had not crossed her mind to get looked at because she was worried about Shego.

Kim nodded and did as she was told. On the ride to the hospital, she was looked at by a paramedic. Shego finally passed out now that she had no hope of getting her hands on the asshole that shot her. Oh, but if she saw him again, she silently promised herself that when she was done beating the shit out of him, there would be nothing but a puddle left for them to bury and she would evaporate that puddle with her powers because a stupid bastard like him did not deserve a decent burial anyway in her opinion.

Shego was awake when she was taken into surgery as soon as they arrived at the hospital, which was good because she got to tell the doctors about her powers and any problems they might come across because of those. Once she was done explaining things, she promptly passed out again. The doctors then proceeded with trying to save her life.

Kim waited around for Shego and had some doctors take a better look at her while the moss-hued officer was in surgery. She found out that she was right about the bruised ribs, but nothing was broken. She had several severe sprains, though. Her body was covered in bruises and cuts that required stitches, like the gash in her eyebrow. When she was done, she went with the pale woman to her room. When Shego came to, she immediately noticed Kim sitting by her bed. She smiled a bit because the redhead was sleeping in her chair.

“Hey, Princess,” Shego said in a low tone as she reached out caress Kim’s cheek, which had a bandage on it. The redhead quickly stirred.

“Huh? What?” Kim said while putting her hands up, showing that she was ready for a fight. Both of her hands were covered in bandages. She looked something like a boxer before putting gloves on.

“Whoa, calm down there, Kimmie,” Shego said and she eased her girl’s hands down to her side.

“Oh, you’re up. I was waiting for you,” the scholar reported while rubbing one of her eyes.

“I figured as much. You can go home, you know. I don’t need you sitting around here, sleeping in chairs and things when we’ve got a nice bed at home. Your body probably needs a nice bed to rest in. So, you should go home,” the pale woman insisted. It was sweet that the redhead had waited for her and everything, but she would rather that Kim take care of herself right now.

“Yeah, about home…” Kim said and then she trailed off.

“What about home?” Shego asked suspiciously.

“Well, I was at home when the robots showed up and let’s just say they knocked and all, but it was more like through the door than at the door,” the injured hero replied.

“So, they broke the front door?”

“Well…” Kim decided to start from the beginning of how she was asleep on the couch and then work her way to when she was out of the apartment when the Bebes came after her to give the green-skinned female an idea of the damage that was done to the apartment.

“You’re all right, right?” Shego asked once Kim was done relaying what happened. She did not care about the apartment at the moment. The only thing mattered was Kim. As long as Kim was all right, then everything else could be taken care of later on.

“I’m fine,” the redhead tried to assure the older woman. Hey, she was not the one that had to be rushed to the hospital, so she was fine. Sure, she was bandaged up, but that was to be expected after the day she had. She had been injured before the Bebes showed up because of a mission, after all.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine. I’m the one that should be asking that question.”

“I’m fine,” Shego insisted. She was pretty sure that she was telling the truth. Yeah, her whole torso hurt like hell, but she had been shot with a laser, so she expected that. She then suddenly laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking that Miss Crocket is probably finally going to have her wish granted,” the pale woman remarked.

“We’re moving then?” the girl asked curiously.

“With two holes in the place and no door? Yeah, unless you know how to fix those things. I mean, you can do anything, right?” Shego teased.

“I was never too good with fixing holes. Good at making them when I was little, but fixing them, I don’t do.”

“I figured as much. The apartment wasn’t that great. We could go out and get a house,” the moss-hued female said with a small smile.

“Really?” Kim asked in a hopeful tone.


“I’d like that.”

“I’d like it too. I’d also like to find out what happened to that stupid bastard. I can’t believe that goofy motherfucker actually shot me. I mean, the bastard seriously shot me,” Shego said in sheer disbelief while looking down at her abdomen. She had actually been shot; it was hard to wrap her head around the idea. The only thing more unbelievable than that was when she had been blown up back when she was thief.

“I’m really glad you’re okay,” Kim whispered.

“I’m glad you’re okay. It’s better that he shot me anyway. Had this shit hit you, I don’t think we’d be in a hospital talking about buying a house,” the emerald-eyed female commented.

Kim nodded a bit. Had Drakken succeeded in hitting her with that laser, they would be attending her funeral in a few days. The only reason Shego was still alive was because she had her super-powers and they somehow made her tougher than regular humans and also healed her rapidly when she was injured. The pale woman had actually almost bled out and that would have been what killed her, not the damage to her organs or the hole in her side, although it was the reason that would have bled out.

“Sorry I got you tied up in this mess,” Shego apologized. She could not believe that breaking up with Drakken had caused so much trouble. She did not think that he was so infatuated with her that he would try to kill the “competition.” Not that it really was a competition since she loved Kim as much as she could possibly love a person and she did not even like Drakken.

“It’s not your fault he’s crazy,” Kim replied. She was not looking to blame any of what happened on Shego because Drakken was a grown man and he was responsible for his own actions, however messed up they might be. Had he just accepted the truth, none of that would have happened.

“Yeah, but I put you in this horrible situation,” the pale woman commented. She felt rather guilty about it. She had almost gotten her precious little monster killed by letting that maniac in her life.

“It’s okay. I’m used to crazy things happening,” Kim said with an impish smile.

Shego laughed a bit. “Come here,” she said.

The redhead had a feeling what the older woman wanted. She hopped out of her chair and went to the pale woman. They exchanged a soft kiss and then Shego moved over in the bed. Kim climbed in and just curled up next to Shego. They lay like that, despite the fact that they were in a hospital. It was comforting to be so close after such a weird and crazy ordeal. It reminded them both that the other was alive and well. They were still together, which meant that everything was or would be fine eventually.

The pair’s stay at the hospital was brief, even though Shego had been shot. The doctors had argued with Shego about trying to leave and everything, but there was no talking her out of it. She hated staying in the hospital because she thought that it was very unnecessary and a waste of doctors. She figured that the medical staff needed to focus their attentions on people that needed them and she was never one of those people.

The battered couple made their way back to the condo, where they were rightfully evicted. Shego did not even bother to make a thing about it, even though she really would have liked to give Miss Crocket a piece of her mind one last time. She was just too tired at that time and they were planning to move out anyway. They just would have liked to find some other place to live first.

The two put their things away in storage. Betty let them stay at her house while they were searching for a new home. The one-eyed woman did not stay with them, though. She moved in with Dahntay while they were using her home and found the experience rather enjoyable. Dahntay liked having her around too.

During their stay at Betty’s house, Kim and Shego found out what happened to Drakken. He had lost his left arm in the blast when his three-legged robot had exploded. He did suffer many injuries, but losing his arm was the most severe of them. He was also lucky to be alive. Shego looked at it as her bad luck that he was still alive.

The cerulean scientist had been charged with a whole slew of crimes, but topping the list were two counts of attempted murder, one of those in the first degree and the other in the second degree. Other crimes that he was being charged with were assault with a deadly weapon and that charged carried a bit because his Bebe bots counted as deadly weapons, there was also destruction of city property, private property, aggravated mayhem, endangering the lives of Go City citizens, and over two dozen other things that occurred during that eventful afternoon.

To make things worse for Drakken, there were countless witnesses to his crimes. Hell, some people took pictures and videos. His trial lasted for two weeks only because of the number of crimes and the number of witness that were called to the stand along with all of the evidence that it was him. He was convicted on all counts and sentenced to three consecutive life terms without the possibility of parole, not to mention fifty years on to that. He was confined to a super-maximum security prison considering his genius and he was also to undergo psychiatric treatment because of his madness. Kim and Shego would probably never see him again. Shego was torn over the issue.

The pale woman really never wanted to see Drakken again, but she would like to see his scarred visage if only to burn it completely off with her bare hands. Look, the cocksucker shot her. No one was supposed to get away with hurting her…unless it was her mother, but that was another story entirely. So, she did not mind that he was never getting out of jail, but if he ever escaped, she was joining the posse that was hunting him down and she was not leaving any bits of him to send back to prison.

There was also the issue that Drakken had tried to kill her Princess and that was why Shego would not mind tearing into the guy. He had attempted to take from her the best thing in her life. She could not forgive him for that and would not forgive him for that, so if she ever saw him again, it would be the last time that she ever saw him. She would make sure of that.

Shego and Kim brought a nice, four-bedroom home in a decent neighborhood. It was a two story home with a fireplace in the living room, not that they had any plans on using it when they brought the place. Maybe one day they would be in a romantic mood and just curl up by the fireplace, but they had not thought of that when they purchased the house. There was a library for all of Kim’s books. Shego decided to turn the basement into a gym, which Kim totally agreed with. They hoped to get in some good sparring as soon as they could.

There were a few empty rooms in the house, which turned out to be a good thing because later on when their “son” Todd started running away back to them, they were able to supply him with his own room. He liked having his own room, even though for a little while, he still had problems with the boogeyman. So, sometimes, he still crawled into bed with them. They never did mind that.

“Wow, we’re going to own a house,” Kim commented as she looked around at their new home. She was impressed with the space and a little overwhelmed that she was going to share a home with her beloved.

“Together,” Shego added while throwing her arm around the redhead’s waist. She could understand that overwhelmed feeling a little bit. It did seem like a big deal to be buying a house with the woman that she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

“Yeah, together. It’s so amazing,” Kim said as she touched the arm around her waist before putting her hand on the limb.

“Just make sure you pull your weight, bummy,” the pale woman teased.

“I can pull my weight,” the younger woman argued.

“Oh, yeah, Miss I-Never-Have-Any-Money.”

“I have money sometimes,” Kim said.

“Fifty cents doesn’t count as money,” Shego taunted.

The slim adventurer pouted. “You’re so mean.”

Shego laughed a little. She doubted that she was ever going to get tired of teasing Kimmie. She liked seeing the redhead pout, whether it was a playful expression or serious. She leaned down and kissed behind the girl’s ear.

“Don’t look so down, Princess. You know I’ll take care of both of us,” the pale woman commented and then she kissed Kim’s cheek.

“I’ll do the same,” Kim replied.

Next time: The end

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