The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Three

Dinner and a show


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TITLE: Dinner and a show

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

NOTE: Everyone rejoice as I now have a betareader, meaning there will be fewer mistakes! That is all. Oh, wait, this goes out to two people, the person that proof read this and the person that told me to update right now; they know who they are.

Words: 4205

Shego caressing her pet.

What am I doing with this kid? I mean, she’s not only a girl, but my pet and seven years younger than I am. So, really what am I doing? It’s not like we’re two regular people that can do things together normally. So, why does it seem like I’m taking her out on a date like we’re two normal people?

Kim sat in the passenger seat of her master’s car while wondering where Shego was taking her. She was also wondering if they were going on a date. She doubted it, but she did not think that it would hurt to look at things that way, if only to entertain herself. As long as she did not tell her mistress that she was going to pretend that they were out on a date, she ventured that it would be all right for her to think of things as a date.

Shego was not too sure if it was a date; she was taking her pet out, after all. But, even if it was not a date, she tried not to think too much on it. She was just hanging out with her little monster. Yes, that was a good way to look at things. She was just hanging out with her impish pet.

The pale woman took them to an average restaurant because they were not dressed for anything better than that. Kim did not mind for several reasons; the person that she was with was one of them and the fact that she was about to get a free meal was another. They were seated quickly and quietly. The menus were handed to them; Shego could already guess what her loopy pet was going to order.

“Hey, look at this. This looks good, doesn’t it?” Kim asked Shego as she showed her mistress the drinks menu. She was pointing to some orange concoction that caused Shego to arch an ebony eyebrow.

“Why are you looking at alcoholic beverages?” the green-skinned female inquired.

“What? I can drink legally now,” the redhead pointed out. She was just legal, not that she understood why she could vote years earlier than she could drink.

“Are you telling me because you need me to vouch for you?” the emerald-eyed officer countered, slightly teasing the petite hero. She recalled back when she first met her girl and how Kim had no form of identification on her at all. She just had to take Kim’s word on everything; well, all she really cared about then was the girl’s age to make sure that she was not a runaway.

“I’m just saying is all,” Kim argued.

“Do you even have ID?” Shego inquired.

“Sure, I have plenty of ID. I’ve got a driver’s license, school ID, my passport, a lab ID—” Kim was going to keep going, but she was cut off.

“On you right now?” Shego interjected.


“Make sure you have ID with you at all times,” Shego ordered.

“Okay,” Kim hesitantly replied.

It seemed like a very strange standing order for the redhead. She did not see why she was being commanded to always have identification on her. It was not like she wandered around all the time with no form of identification. She was starting to wonder if Shego just liked worrying about her.

The younger woman did figure that the time that she got arrested for being a vagrant did not help matters in the area of her master being concerned for her. But, being a vagrant was not much of a crime and was not much of a big deal; it had not been the first time that it happened to her either. She would have either done her time, which would have been a couple of days at the most, or just called someone to come get her if Shego had not happened across her. It was not like she was completely dense and would have crumbled from such a small thing.

Shego was only aware after the words had left her mouth that she was sort of lecturing her girl. She could not believe it, so she decided that she better think before speaking again. After all, she was not the kid’s mother. She imagined that must be a painful job because just being the brat’s mistress was gut-wrenching sometimes.

“Stop looking at the alcoholic beverages,” the pale woman commanded Kim.

“Why?” the petite hero asked. She really had no plans of having an adult drink. She did not like drinking much because she did not see the joy in having something burn its way down her throat.

“Because I’m not dealing with you drunk,” Shego answered the question of why she wanted her pet to quit entertaining the idea of getting an alcoholic drink.

“Why? I dealt with you drunk,” Kim said casually.

Shego looked rather surprised to hear that. “When did you deal with me drunk?” she inquired with a craned eyebrow, as if she thought that her pet was making that up.

“Back when you got promoted. Doctor Director brought you home one night and both of you were drunk out of your minds,” the redhead explained as if it was nothing. She even shrugged a bit.

Shego thought back to when she was promoted. They did have that accursed party like they always did and there were so many different kinds of beers and she had drank like there was no tomorrow. She had been so drunk that she did not even know how she had gotten home. She had been in quite a state, alone with her pet. Things could have happened, she realized.

“Did you do anything to me?” Shego accused the eccentric adventurer. She made sure to keep her voice down, not out of courtesy, but the fact that she did not want a restaurant full of people to know that she might have been molested by a girl.

“Do anything?” Kim echoed in a puzzled voice and expression to match.

The olive-eyed female wondered why her mistress was under the impression that she was a serious lecher. Okay, yes, she fondled the elder woman’s breasts almost every chance that she got, she got lost in staring at the pale woman’s butt very often, and had very detailed fantasies about her master at least on a weekly basis, but that did not make her a pervert. It just made her lustful, but who would not be if they got to sleep next to Shego every night? She considered that she had rather good self-control since she only groped Shego’s breasts, but then again those were her favorite physical feature when it came to her owner. And if she kept thinking about them, she would end up getting lost in fantasy and messing up the whole “date.”

“Did you do anything to me back then?” the raven-haired female demanded to know.

Kim only smiled; she liked having a secret. Shego did not find the expression amusing. The older woman was about to get very angry when the waiter came over to take their drink orders and to see if they wanted any appetizers. Kim ordered a soda and some chicken fingers. Shego was tempted to have an alcoholic beverage, but now her pet had her paranoid. She did not want risk being drunk and taken advantage of by her perverted munchkin. She ordered a beer to be on the safe side, but also to fulfill her sudden want of alcohol.

“So?” Shego pressed the issue as she turned her attention back to her pet. The waiter walked off, having gotten their information.

“So?” Kim asked, as if she had forgotten what they were talking about.

“Did you?”

Kim only smiled again. Would her mistress really like to know the truth of that evening? Would Shego really like to know what could have happened if she acted on her desires instead of holding back that night? She doubted that Shego would believe her if she told the moss-hued woman the truth.

“I didn’t do anything,” the redhead promised.

“You didn’t?” Shego asked in a skeptical tone. How was she supposed to believe a brat that molested her when she was sleeping?

“No. Come on, do you really think I’m that low? You were so drunk. I just took your clothes off and put you to bed. That was it,” the younger woman explained.

“You took off my clothes?” Shego inquired while leaning forward a bit, showing her interest in the subject. She wanted to know if her imp had gone too far that night.

“Did you wake up naked?” Kim countered. The older woman was getting too hyped up over nothing, or at least over the wrong thing. “Calm down, mistress,” the redhead purred, hoping to ease Shego’s tension.

“I’m just checking,” the pale female stated. She did not know about her pet sometimes. It was not that she thought the girl would rape her or something that ridiculous, but she did consider that Kim might go overboard one day, thinking that she was just being cute or something.

Kim grinned, her naughty side coming out to play. “Would it have been better if I stripped you naked and dove right in?” she asked while licking her lips.

“Could you not talk like that before I eat?” her master retorted.

“You brought it up. I’m happy to walk down that road all night now that it’s in the open,” the slender hero replied.

“The road of me being drunk, unconscious, and you doing nothing?” Shego pointed out.

“No, the road where I stripped you naked, dove right in, and stayed there all night long, loving every minute of it,” Kim declared, still grinning up a storm. Oh, if Shego knew some of the things that she wanted to do to the elder woman, Kim was not sure if Shego would let her or kick her out for thinking of such things.

“Stop it,” the emerald-eyed martial artist ordered. She did not want to hear such x-rated things before she was going to eat, especially since they involved her and her pet.

“You started it,” Kim commented while turning her mouth up in mock anger.

“Well, I’m ending it.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll just sit here and think about it,” the redhead stated, as if that was going to hurt her owner.

“You’re such a little pervert,” Shego said while shaking her head as if she was disgusted.

Kim only grinned, like being called a pervert was something to be proud of. If only she could just sit there and get lost in an adult fantasy, but she doubted that it would be proper in a restaurant; not to mention, she would eventually get uncomfortable due to certain responses that her body would have to such a thought. Shego would not put it past her pet to be having a deluded daydream at the moment. The thing that did shock her was that she found herself curious as to what her brat was thinking about.

It was not the first time that Shego found herself curious as to what was going on Kim’s head when she claimed to be having a fantasy. Kim never seemed to have a problem with telling her. She did have a problem with asking because she did not want to fool her pet into believing that she was interested in such a thing.

Before Shego got the gall to inquire what Kim was thinking about, their drinks were and appetizers were brought to them. Kim started in on the chicken fingers while Shego ordered her meal and she ordered Kim’s meal too because the redhead had her mouth full when the waiter turned to her. The elfish girl smiled when her master informed the waiter to just bring Kim a big plate pf spaghetti. Her mistress knew her so well.

“You having fun with those?” Shego asked her pet as the girl munched on the next chicken finger.

“Why? You want one?” Kim countered. There was only one left; she hated that every restaurant seemed to think that three chicken fingers could sustain a whole table, no matter how many people were sitting at it.

“No, I don’t eat appetizers,” the pale woman informed her little monster.


“No. I pay for the full meal and that’s what I want. I don’t want anything that might stop me from finishing the main course. But, with the way you eat, I doubt that you even think about that,” Shego commented.

“It’s not usually on my mind,” the redhead admitted while eating the last chicken finger. She did not feel that she ate a lot, but she was starting to realize that she normally cleaned her plate at every meal. She was always like that, but she guessed that she had a high metabolism because she never gained much weight from such snacking. The globetrotting probably had something to do with her weight also, she considered.

The green-skinned woman only shook her head. So far, everything was going well and good, she noted. She figured that if she considered it a date, then it was the greatest date that she had ever had in her life. No annoying banter, no ranting, and best of all, no seafood. It was a good, average way to spend the night. Who knew that average could equal good when it came to her and her pet?

The strange thing, to Shego anyway, was that she both wanted to and did not want to reach over and pet Kim. It was like a tug-of-war in her body. It was a basic reaction to her when she was content to caress her pet if the redhead was around, but it seemed like it would be inappropriate to do in a restaurant.

The pair began to make small talk while waiting for their food, which made Shego forget that she desired to pet her girl. They started chatting about Bruce Lee movies of all things; it turned out that they had both seen all of his movies about thousand times. It seemed so weird that they did not know that they both liked the actor since they watched a movie at least every two days together.

The small talk was fun because Shego never got to talk about such things with Betty. Shego and Betty were always trying to prove that the other was an idiot or just one-up the other. While it was always entertaining to attempt to crush Betty’s spirit, it was also fun to just engage in some chitchat with her tiny pet.

The pair continued their discussion when their food came and it seemed that everything was all right. When they were done, Shego paid for everything, of course. It felt good to pay for everything in her opinion rather having some guy insist that he pay and getting into a big argument. It was also nice because her pet expected it; it was not something that would be debated in the slightest, so it would not be annoying.

Also, her pet looked so very content; it was a satisfying thing to witness for some reason that Shego could not figure out. Kim was smiling, not grinning in her usual over-the-top, cheerful manner, but just regular smiling. The redhead had her dessert tucked under her arm; she was taking her cake to go. She was curious as to what they would do once they got home. If they were just on a date, how would it conclude? Well, Kim knew how she wanted the night to end.

Shego was a bit curious about how the evening should end too. She was not sure if they had just been on a date; it had many of the elements of a date to it, but she was not sure if she would label it as a date. She was not sure if it should end like most good dates would conclude.

The master and the pet returned home once the meal was over. Shego went to take a shower while Kim went to dig into her dessert, a huge slice of banana cream cheesecake. By the time that she was done eating her cake and having some soda to go with it, she was about to just crash on the sofa; life as a pet was good. And then her mistress stopped her plan.

“Go take a shower and no more soda for the night,” the pale woman commanded.

Kim made a face, which earned her a thump in the nose and an order to fix her face. She did as ordered, fixing her face and trotting off to take a shower. She had been aware that she was not going to be allowed any more soda for the night, which explained why she had gulped down a whole liter while her master had been in the shower.

Shego thought that it was all of the sugar that hyped her little monster up. She would consider that Kim was just energetic, but sometimes, she seemed to just bounce off of the walls and Shego did not think that was natural. She tried to limit the girl’s sugar intake, but it seemed that that did not help much. All she could do was count herself lucky that her munchkin did not drink coffee.

Once Kim was done with her shower, she returned to the living room and joined her mistress on the sofa. They watched a movie, much like they did every night. The green-skinned woman caressed Kim’s head through the movie and then when the film was over, it was time for bed.

The redhead followed Shego to her bedroom, which was atypical. Kim usually faked as if she was going to go to sleep in her own bed and then she would sneak into her master’s bedroom after a few minutes; well, it was not really sneaking because it was expected behavior. She was hoping right now that she could ride out the joy of their dinner by riding Shego.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the elder female inquired when she noticed her pet following her.

“Um … nightcap?” Kim replied with a wide grin.

“Keep dreaming,” Shego automatically answered; she did not even have to think about that response.

The redhead pouted for a very brief moment. Her mischievous side then crawled out of her brain and decided to take over. That side of her was all too aware that her mistress was more bark than bite when it came to her and also that her master had a history of saying things that she did not mean. With luck, it was one of those times or she was going to be some big trouble.

The petite hero launched herself at Shego without warning, knocking her into her bedroom. The super-powered woman managed to stay on her feet while Kim’s mouth was on hers in a lightning quick instant. The older woman surrendered to the kiss without a problem, but when she felt hands on her stomach and thigh, she halted the groping. She removed Kim’s hands from her body, but she did not break the delicious kiss. The adventurer was not deterred from touching her sultry master and tried again with the same results; Shego held off the hands.

The emerald-eyed woman asked herself, did she really desire to sleep with Kim? Yes, if the kissing was any clue as to how the rest of the activity would be, her brain answered. Hell yes, in fact, her brain amended the answer if the kissing was any indication of what was awaiting her. Fine, she would give it a try, she conceded, but she had to be in control of what was happening. There was no way in hell that she would let her pet dictate what went on in her bedroom.

Shego wrapped her arms around Kim and lifted the redhead up into her arms. She carried the younger female over to the bed and gently laid the young lady down. She crawled over to Kim, making sure not to break their deep kiss. She then found one problem with what she was doing and that was that she was thinking too much on the matter before it even happened. Shego began to wonder where she should put her hands and what she should do. She had never had sex with a woman before and it was not something that she had ever thought of doing before she met Kim.

Okay, the pale officer told herself to calm down. She just needed to go with the flow of matters, she informed herself. It was just sex. She could do it without any problem, she tried to convince herself. She just needed to stop thinking about it; it was only sex. It was no big deal; people had sex all the time. She had sex all of the time.

All right, Shego decided that she would go for Kim’s slender thigh, which was covered by her pajama pants. Okay, that was a decent place to start, the moss-hued female considered. She did just that and then the next thing that she figured that she should do was caress the soft thigh that was in her grip.

The olive-eyed girl felt her mind was going to go into overload because she wanted exactly what was on top of her, but now she was being teased. She wanted things to get started seriously and she wanted that now. She wanted it to cease being a fantasy. She wanted it to be reality. She wanted Shego so badly that her whole being was beginning to ache with desire. She needed Shego now.

The redhead began to reach for Shego’s shirt, fully intent on removing the bothersome piece of clothing that was hiding that beautiful form from her. Shego halted the little hero again, grabbing her hands to stop her from touching anything at all. Kim let out a frustrated whine; she wished to touch Shego now and she did not like being denied. She wanted to do so many things to Shego, so she needed her hands back.

The pale woman went back to kissing Kim and caressing her thigh. Kim went back to trying to touch the elder woman, which was throwing Shego off, as far as the raven-haired woman was concerned anyway. She grabbed the redhead’s busy hands again, stopping her from groping the super-powered officer. Kim whined again; she felt like she was being tortured.

Shego went back to her task, trying her best to do what she knew Kim wanted and what she was almost certain that she wanted too. She had not had sex in a while and she had not had good sex in years. She figured that she wanted to sleep with Kim for the simple fact that she had not done it in so long; well, that was the reasoning that she fed to herself anyway. But, there was something that was off with what was taking place and she could not figure out what it was.

The pale woman made it as far as putting her hand on Kim’s bare stomach before being distracted again. The eccentric adventurer’s hands had found their way back to Shego’s shirt. The older woman growled in aggravation and grabbed those small, busy hands again. She forced Kim’s hands above her head and the redhead whimpered. Shego started down at the body that was underneath her.

Those olive eyes focused on Shego, as if asking in sorrow why she stopped, pleading with her to continue, begging Shego to just allow her to touch her. The taller woman frowned and turned her head to stop looking at her pet. She crawled over to her side of the bed and flopped down.

Kim sat up on her elbows. Why had her mistress’ stopped? Were they not going to make love? That just was not fair; it was torture.

“Shego…” Kim whispered.

“Go to sleep,” Shego replied gruffly as she settled her head into her pillow, making sure that her back was to her little imp.

The redhead did not make a sound as she lay down to do as she was ordered to do. She wondered why Shego had halted. Was it such a repulsive thing to be touched by her, Kim pondered. Was it such a problem to want her? Was it such a big deal for them to have a sexual relationship? Or had Shego been forcing everything and she really did not find Kim sexually attractive? Kim was not sure what it was, but she did not like any of the questions that her mind raised. She just wanted to pleasure Shego and be pleasured in return. She just wanted them to touch paradise together. Was it such a huge want?

Next time: Kim tells her friends about her sexual misadventure. They try to empathize with her, but can they really feel her pain? No, but they can joke about it. With friends like them, who needs enemies?

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