The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Thirty-five

Absolute perfection


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TITLE: Absolute perfection

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

I don’t own Spiderman or Scooby Doo or the Oscar either.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4635

Shego caressing her pet.

Please, if there is a god of any kind make this thing work. I need to get rid of this annoying bitch. Being around Lynn is actually worse than being around Hego and that is quite a feat considering what a fucking moron he is. I guess she’s worse because at least I can hit Hego, not that the dumbass takes the hint. She doesn’t take the hint either and I can’t hit her to help her understand or I’ll never hear the end of from my mother, aunt, and grandmother. I’ve got to get rid of her before I go out of my fucking mind.

“Cousin, what do we do?” Lynn asked. She and Shego were in an alleyway, surrounded by empty, mostly broken down factories and they both had a gun being pointed at them by a small, masked assailant.

“Attack, doy,” Shego replied. She would have thought that was obvious, especially since the person pointing a gun at them could not weigh more than a hundred pounds.

The pale woman flung a plasma shot at the little punk threatening them, causing the person to drop one of the guns and wince in pain as the blast connected with one of his hands. Shego ordered Lynn to attack, but the blonde seemed too worried about the other gun to make a move. Shego sucked her teeth and went at the person, who opened fire. The pale woman seemed to dodge the bullets or the gunman just was not a very good shot because none of the bullets connected with the officer.

The cameraman did not care if the criminal was a bad shot or if Shego was beyond human and able to dodge bullets. He just made sure to start filming all of the action that was going on. He was willing to bet it was going to be amazing and he did not care if it was the “perfect shot” or not. He would like to get the “perfect shot” of course, but even if he did not, he would be able to see Shego in action again. He really wished that she would consider going into show business.

The super-powered woman closed the distance and engaged the attacker in a fight to get the gun away from the little punk. The cameraman made sure to get every second of the battle on film. It was almost like watching violent poetry, he thought, because of the way that they were going at with the martial arts. It was beautiful, but it looked painful whenever a blow connected from both Shego and the perpetrator.

It was like a hostile dance with a flow something like a hurricane. The criminal seemed to be just as skilled as the officer and they were trading attacks. Shego moved in for a punch that the assailant dodged by bending to an almost impossible angle. Instead of coming back up, the criminal went into a back flip with the intent of kicking the law enforcer in the jaw. The agent backed away as the masked person stood up right. They went right back at each other.

Shego blocked several kicks from the assailant and then grabbed the skilled punk’s leg. She flung the kid away from her. The attacker landed on his back and fell by the other gun. He quickly picked the weapon up. The masked person aimed both guns at Shego and opened fire while getting up to run away.

“Come on, Lynn! We’ve got to go after him,” Shego urged her cousin.

“Right!” the blonde concurred, even though she was reluctant to chase after someone holding two guns. Hey, she could get shot and, like most people, she was not in favor of that.

The cousins went after the attacker and Shego launched herself at the gunman. She tackled the masked person around the waist like an attacking ram. The assailant grunted when he was hit and made another noise when impacting the ground, but quickly flipped Shego off of him. The gunman climbed to his feet, but he had lost his weapons when he was tackled. He looked around and Shego waved a gun in the assailant’s face with a smirk.

“Damn it,” the masked criminal muttered.

“Get him, Lynn,” Shego commanded and then the attacker was suddenly kicked in the back by the blonde.

“Where the hell did you come from?” the skinny punk grunted as he turned around to face off with Lynn.

Lynn went at the gunman, who finessed his way through most of the moves. Watching those two seemed different than watching Shego and the perpetrator. There was a different kind of flow to the battle, if there was a flow at all. It was almost like the visual representation of a scratched song being played, but only to the well trained eye. Most people would more than likely think that it was a good battle.

The blonde eventually caught the criminal with a few kick moves that made Shego frown, which luckily was not caught on film. The pale woman quietly noted that her cousin’s style was stiff and slow, but that did not matter. She did not look so bad going against the little punk that had been shooting at them.

“To think she’s actually related to me, though,” Shego mumbled while shaking her head in disgrace. Was it that Lynn did not pay any attention when they were learning to fight? Was she daydreaming when they were getting lessons? It just did not make any sense for her cousin to be as bad as she was with the mother that she had in Shego’s opinion.

The criminal put his hands up, trying to fend off some of Lynn’s blows. The blocking did not seem to be enough and he could not get in for an attack of his own. He jumped back to put some distance between him and Lynn and tried to go into his own moves. He caught her with a few punches, but she came back with countermoves.

The masked person did not seem to be any match for Lynn and soon found himself on his back after a few moves from the blonde. Lynn looked like she was going to keep wailing on the little guy once he hit the deck. Shego was about to step in and put the cuffs on the punk, but the criminal rolled out of the way and hopped up to his feet. It was not over yet, which made the cameraman both happy and apprehensive.

The cameraman was happy that they were finally getting the perfect shot. But, after seeing Lynn mess up so many times while they were with Shego, he thought that she might mess up again after doing so well. He guessed that only time would tell and he just made sure to keep filming.

Lynn engaged the masked punk yet again. They exchanged punches and kicks for a little while, but Lynn got the better the gunslinger again. The criminal was on the ground again thanks to Lynn and clutching his shoulder as if he was injured.

“This is some bull,” the perpetrator muttered more to himself than anyone else. At least the venture was going to pay off.

“Had enough?” Lynn inquired in a cocky tone.

“No,” the gruff voice of the attacker replied and he pulled out a smoke bomb as if he was ninja.

The area was covered in smoke and when it cleared, the little punk was gone. The cousins scanned around for the gunslinger and saw him getting away by scaling a nearby wall. The offender was near the top of the wall by the time the relatives noticed him. Shego charged up for another plasma-blast and threw it at the masked man. The blast seemed to catch the criminal, or so his surprised yelp implied, and he fell from the wall.

“Damn it, this never happens to Spiderman,” the criminal complained as he plummeted from almost the top of a twenty-foot wall.

The gunman landed gracefully on one knee, but that did not matter. The cousins were on him and kicking him before he got the chance to do anything else. The criminal put his thin arms up with the hope of cushioning the impact that was going to come from the attack. The blows did send the assailant skidding across the alley. But, the tiny criminal was not down for the count yet.

The relatives went at the small wrongdoer as soon as he was on his feet and continued their attack against him. The offender was not standing for too much longer thanks to the double-team that worked against him. Shego then slapped the cuffs on the little punk and read him her own special version of his rights.

“We’re going to have to blip a lot of that,” the cameraman muttered as Shego finished up with the rights. He never knew that reading someone’s rights could sound so wrong until she was done.

“So, we’re going to unmask him now?” Lynn inquired with an eager smile.

“Hey, get the hell off of me!” the criminal ordered while struggling to get out of Shego’s tight grip.

“Hey, calm the fuck down. Don’t think I won’t slap your ass around, even though there’s a damn camera going. Is the camera still going?” Shego asked curiously.

“Yeah, I’m waiting for you to unmask the guy to end the scene,” the cameraman answered.

“Oh, you want me to unmask the little punk,” the pale woman said while nodding absently.

“Yeah, it’ll be a good ending,” he replied.

The green-skinned officer nodded to show that she understood, but she did not move to unmask the gunman. The criminal did continue struggling, so the super-powered woman did not have a free hand to pull mask off. Lynn volunteered to take the covering off of the criminal’s head, which the cameraman thought would make for a better ending since the blonde was the star of the show. The emerald-eyed female did not object, but she did gulp quietly as her cousin yanked the cloth away.

“Whoa, you sure are an ugly one,” Lynn commented once she saw the criminal’s face.

“I don’t see you winning any beauty contests either, fucker,” the assailant replied.

The offender was a blue-eyed female as far as Lynn could tell; the blonde considered the criminal was so ugly that it just might be a horrible-looking, small guy. There were scars all over the person’s face, a very long one in particular that went across her face from her forehead through her nose and to her cheek made Lynn cringe. Another scar was over the criminal’s eye and a pair on her other cheek. She had an earring in her lip and a tattoo on the side of her face that appeared to be some kind of tribal markings. Her face was rounded and her hair was black.

“So, are we done?” Shego asked in a bit of a huff.

“Yes, that was perfect,” the cameraman answered with a proud grin.

“It was freaky!” Lynn cheered. Shego and the criminal rolled their eyes. Well, at least it was over.

“You are a really good girl, you know that?” Shego asked her pet.

The master and pet were in the living room of their home on the floor. The older woman was lying on the floor with her imp straddling her waist. Shego was topless and Kim was giving her mistress a back rub to relieve some of the tension that had built up in her body ever since her cousin had walked into her life. Shego had actually offered to give her little monster a massage in return, but the redhead declined on the proposal for the moment.

“I do try,” Kim replied with a smile.

“I was worried for a second when she unmasked you. I didn’t think that far ahead. It’s a good thing that you did,” the pale woman commented.

“You worry too much. Now, I figured that the big thing would be the unmasking for this whole thing, so I could curse you meddling kids, you know,” Kim joked. She would have made a funny face to go along with it, but her mistress would not have been able to see the expression.

“What?” the apartment owner inquired in a baffled tone.

“You never watch Scooby Doo, huh?”

“No,” Shego answered in a blunt tone.

“I should’ve known,” the redhead sighed. Her mistress was so weird.

“She didn’t hurt you at all while she was ‘beating you up,’ right?” Shego asked to be sure.

She had been padding her attacks on Kim, who had been the “gunman” from earlier in the day to get Lynn her “perfect shot.” The blonde, of course, did not know that and had been going at Kim with all of her might; hell, had she known, she probably would have kept on anyway. The pale woman asked about it because Kim had not been in a position to fight back considering the fact that she had to lose the battle.

“No, I’m all right. I was more worried about getting hit with your plasma. When you hit that gun out of my hand, I was nervous. I mean, I thought that it was going to be really hot and everything,” the slender female replied.

Shego only laughed a bit, as if she would hurt her good girl. She reached a hand up and patted her pet’s leg. Kim smiled because of the attention; she had not thought that Shego would really harm her, but she was not aware that her master could charge down her plasma enough to where it was practically harmless on connect.

As it turned out, the redhead’s main concern during the whole ordeal was not her mistress at all. It was slowing herself down enough to make it seem like Lynn knew what the hell she was doing. Kim thought that Lynn would at least be able to do something worthwhile in fighting considering the family that she came from and the fact that she acted like she was so good at something. Whatever she was good at, it damn sure was not martial arts.

She was not very good at recognizing faces either, but then again, Kim had made sure that she was made up beyond recognition for the plan. She had gotten Monique to help her do all of the makeup for her face without telling her friend what it was for the most part; Monique was willing to bet that she did not want to know anyway. They had done it so well that Felix had no idea who Kim was when he came into the apartment.

“So, when do you think that episode will air?” Kim asked curiously.

“Why?” Shego countered.

“I want to see myself on TV. I think I did a good job, don’t you?” the younger woman inquired with a smile that her mistress could not see.

“It wasn’t Oscar worthy,” Shego teased.

Kim pouted, even though she knew that her master was only playing with her. The emerald-eyed woman had been a bit impressed with her pet’s performance earlier. Their battle first of all had been a surprise. Now, they both were more playing around than actual fighting because Kim did have to move to fight Lynn next and she could not look too good before doing that or people would question the main event. Kim had done a good job disguising her voice. She had also moved well with the guns and made them seem threatening when all they did was fire blanks. Kim had done a good job.

She continued to work her owner’s tense muscles while the raven-haired woman made small noises on occasion because Kim’s ministrations; it felt so freaking good. The redhead bet that Shego would loosen up now that Lynn was going back to home. Things could finally go back to normal, the slim adventurer thought. Oh, that was a very promising thought and then Kim felt that she had just gotten a brilliant idea.

“I must be a genius,” Kim thought with a huge grin.

The petite hero leaned down and began kissing Shego’s exposed neck. She continued the massage and caused her mistress to moan from the attention. Kim nipped at her mistress’ ear. Shego chuckled a bit, despite the fact that what was happening was no laughing matter.

“I thought we agreed this was going to be a legitimate massage,” the pale woman remarked.

“Did we?” the redhead asked with false curiosity. Who cared what they had agreed on? If they had, indeed, agreed on that. Her master could always be making it up.

“I think we did.”

“No, I don’t remember that. I mean, why would I agree to that when you’re lying here topless? Doesn’t seem like something I’d agree to,” the slender hero commented and then she pretended to think on matters.

Shego laughed again and then rolled over, throwing Kim off of her. The scientist yelped and flailed her arms as she hit the floor. Shego crawled over her little monster and began touching her abdomen, not in a loving or licentious way. She was torturing her little pet. Kim giggled madly and started trying to wiggle away.

“Don’t! You know I’m ticklish there!” Kim protested as she attempted to escape.

Of course Shego knew where her pet was ticklish and she decided to torment her girl for just a little while. It was actually a sort of foreplay. Shego silently realized that she had never had playful sex before getting involved with Kim. Before the little redhead, it was always wild, almost violent encounters with her or boring, almost sleep-inducing incidents. All of her partners before Kim, she did not care if they went home as soon as the deed was done. Sometimes, she went home immediately after doing whatever and did not think about it after the fact, but with Kim, it was nothing like that. Kim was just completely different.

The emerald-eyed woman would never leave the bed after being with Kim and she would not let Kim leave either, not that the thought would ever cross Kim’s mind. The petite hero was always to be cuddled after they were physically intimate and she was the only person that Shego ever thought to do that with. The redhead loved the attention, of course, and she would have loved to know that she was extra-special to Shego.

The slim scientist managed to flip her master on to her back, which stopped the tickling, and she straddled Shego’s waist. Kim smiled in triumph, as if she had accomplished something, the pale woman noted. The officer sat up and then pinned Kim underneath her. The smile was wiped right off of the olive-eyed female’s face. It was Shego’s turn to smirk.

“You can’t get the better of me, Princess,” the older woman commented.

“I can try,” Kim replied as she got some leverage and flipped her mistress again.

Shego could not believe that she was on the floor again and rolling around with her pet like some playful scamp. She pinned Kim underneath her once more and she stared down at the petite hero. She wondered for a very brief moment what she was doing there on her floor with a girl that was seven years younger than she was. Really, just what was she doing with the kid? She was seven years older than Kim and they were two completely different sort of individuals. So, really, what was she doing with the kid?

And then Kim flipped Shego, which broke her out of her brief reverie. She grunted as Kim went back to smiling in victory. She crossed her arms over her chest and acted as if she had conquered her master.

“Gotcha!” Kim proclaimed with a large grin.

“You wish,” Shego replied and she reversed their positions yet again.

Kim continued the fun struggle until her owner decide that she was going to end the little game by attacking Kim’s weakness. The pale woman tickled the scholar, who cried foul play, but that fell on deaf ears. Eventually, the tickling halted and Shego’s mouth met Kim’s in a surprising kiss, surprising for the younger female anyway. As their tongues danced, Shego began lifting off the redhead’s tee-shirt.

The kiss was broken for a fraction of a second to get rid of the offending shirt. Shego went to remove Kim’s bra only to find that Kim was still trying to flip them over and change positions. Shego ceased the kiss to give her girl a stern look; Kim returned the look with a mischievous smile.

“Why don’t you just give it up, monster?” the pale woman inquired. It was clear that she was going to win, so she did not see why her pet bothered.

“Because I should be on top,” Kim replied as if that was the most logical answer.

“What makes you think that?” Shego asked with a baffled face.

“Because I want to,” the redhead followed-up as if that was also logical. Hey, for a selfish and spoiled pet, it was logical.

“And why should I give into you?”

“Because I played an extra-good criminal today,” Kim said with a very cute smile.

“All right, if you can flip me, it’s all you,” Shego replied.

Kim grinned because of the challenge; oh, she was going to flip her owner if it was the last thing that she ever did. They went back to passionately kissing and soon they were feeling lovely skin-on-skin contact. Shego moaned as their breasts encountered each other and Kim reached up to caress her master’s torso. Shego moaned louder and then noted that her little monster was attempting to flip her again. So, apparently, the plot was to distract her with pleasure and then get her on her back.

“It’s not going to happen, Kimmie,” Shego whispered into the redhead’s ear.

“I’m going to make it happen,” Kim replied.

“It’s not going to happen.”

Kim laughed and went back to trying to turn the elder woman over. Shego was amused by her girl’s attempt to roll them over. The pale woman turned her attention to Kim’s throat and she began licking the slender scientist’s neck. Kim continued on caressing her mistress’ chest. It seemed that Kim eventually stopped trying to turn Shego over. She leaned into the older woman’s mouth and then reached for Shego’s pants, hoping to get rid of those annoying things in a flash.

“You’re trying for a lot of things right now, huh, Pumpkin?” Shego taunted the younger woman when she noticed that the redhead was reaching for her pants, but having a bit of trouble taking them off.

“You have to take them off,” Kim implored the emerald-eyed female.

“When I’m ready. Unless you’re going to try got that one too,” the pale woman teased.

The redhead silently accepted that challenge too. She inched herself along the floor quickly and then caught Shego by surprise by taking a jade nipple into her mouth. Shego hissed in pleasure and before she could get her mind together, she was being pants’ed. She felt her slacks pulled down to her knees and then thin fingers were touching her through her panties. And then, she was on her back.

“I win,” Kim whispered into tasty pale green flesh.

“Fine,” Shego yielded. She silently admitted that she had underestimated her little monster and it cost her, but she would keep the bargain.

Kim grinned; she was the one that got to be in charge of their lovemaking. Shego could not believe that she was about to have sex on her living room floor and more than that, she did not care. She merely wanted to get to it, now. The anticipation was becoming too much for both of them. Kim stripped quickly and then rapidly took care of the one piece of cloth that Shego was still wearing.

The slim hero hissed as her cool skin came into contact with Shego’s warm flesh. Shego started feeling all over Kim’s body, causing the redhead to moan deeply. It really was not just sex with them, they both realized.

There was something about the intimacy with each other. The passion was different when they were together. Everything was just better. They both discovered true ecstasy when they were with each other, not just physically. There was a connection between them that transcended physical pleasure. Being together was just heaven for the pair; it was like they had been made for each other.

(New day)

Shego and Kim were lounging on the sofa. The pale woman was channel-surfing and caressing her pet’s red mane while Kim was busy with her puzzle cube. She was working the puzzle until she heard a familiar voice shouting “freaky” on television. She turned to see that Lynn’s show was on.

“Leave it!” Kim begged her master.

“Why? We don’t need to see any more of her,” Shego sighed.

“I want to see if it’s the one with you and me in it. Why do you hate her so much?” the little hero inquired.

“Because she’s a fake and a crybaby. When we were little, all she ever did was cry, especially if I joked on her, or if she skinned her knee or if she dropped her ice cream or just about any bullshit that comes with living on the planet Earth. I mean, if I did half of the crap that she did, my mother would’ve just beaten my ass and told me to stop whining so much. So, I get annoyed with her because she just can’t take anything while she pretends that she can do everything,” Shego explained.

“Oh, look!” Kim pointed to the screen as images of her mistress flashed across the television.

There were shots of Shego from all of her assignments during her cousin’s stay. She looked rather impressive and then they saw the big take down on screen. Kim cheered when she was on camera, even though no one would ever know that was her as the masked criminal and she did come out looking rather bad considering the fact that she was beaten up. She did make the star of the show look rather good, Kim and Shego noted.

It was all good until Adrena-Lynn announced to the world that her cousin was the best. The only problem was that she did not say “cousin” and she did not say “Shego” either; she dared utter the most detestable thing as far as her cousin was concerned. She had said “Cassandra Gooding.”

“I’ll kill her!” Shego declared, knowing that now a couple of million people knew her real name. “I’ll kill her and send her to her mother in a fucking cigar box!” the pale woman proclaimed in a fury.

“Calm down, Cassie,” Kim said as if she was dead serious, but she was obviously teasing.

“And I’ll kill you too,” Shego said and she thumped her pet in the nose.

Kim wailed. “Pet abuse!” she cried in an overly dramatic fashion.

Shego then gathered her girl up in her arms and proceeded to tickle the redhead, who begged for mercy one moment and then cursed her mistress the next. It did not seem like such a big deal at the moment that her real name had just been said on air on a popular television show. Everything seemed all right because Shego and Kim were together.

Next time: Kim and Shego take a little trip, but this time it’s not a trip that Shego planned.

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