The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Twenty-one

Mother knows best


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TITLE: Mother knows best

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4198

Shego caressing her pet.

My mother is here and once again getting along with Princess. It’s so damn annoying; I can’t stand that freaking woman. And this irksome kid doesn’t help, going around telling my mother that I’m hers, as if that makes any sense. She’s just looking to start trouble and I know it’s going to work. I just hope she doesn’t tell my mother about … what she did to me. I don’t know how my mother would react to such news, but I know that her reaction would get on my damn nerves.

Isabel was having dinner with her daughter and Kim. Because of all of the huffing that her daughter had done with Kim about dinner, Isabel could not help being amused by the fact that they were having pasta for dinner, some very cheesy lasagna. The slender adventurer seemed very happy with that, smiling all the way through the meal. Shego seemed satisfied; Isabel guessed that it was because Kim was so pleased and she was right. As long as Kim was happy, Shego was the same, which was one of the main reasons that Isabel loved the little redhead.

“So, what’s this about you being hers?” Isabel asked her daughter since Kim had been going on earlier that Shego was hers and not the other way around. She was curious as to how such a thing had been decided.

“Don’t mind her. She’s using screwy logic,” Shego replied while twirling her fork in her hand in a circular motion to emphasize her words. Her pet was such a bothersome little imp, starting trouble every chance that she got, especially when Isabel was around.

“She’s mine because she’s my mistress,” Kim stated. It was loopy logic, she had to admit, but it worked out. Her master was her master and hers alone.

“All right, all right, but all that means is that you belong to her,” Isabel reasoned, only looking to get Kim started because she thought that the redhead was utterly adorable, especially when she was getting on Shego’s nerves. Of course, she also liked bothering her daughter every now and then.

“No, no, no. She’s mine. This works out. She belongs to me because she’s my mistress and no one else’s,” the youngest female argued.

The redhead truly believed that now she and Shego belonged to each other since the green-skinned officer would now pay her complete and total attention, just like she did her master. They were sort of chained together by an invisible bond in her opinion; she just did not fully explain it because she was not sure if Shego wanted her mother to know that they were in an exclusive relationship now. Yes, she was still a pet and Shego was still her master, but there would be no more distracting partners coming through. Shego was all hers.

“Well, I suppose that much is true,” Isabel concurred with Kim’s logic.

“Don’t encourage her,” Shego ordered her mother. All she needed was someone getting Kim hyped and the petite hero would be running around the apartment for the rest of the week going on about how Shego was hers. Her mother did not have to live with that while she did and she was not looking to have to deal with that.

“What? You are solely her mistress, unless you have other pets around here you haven’t told us about,” the middle-aged female commented with a small smile on her face to further annoy her daughter.

“Oh, haha,” the green-skinned female said dryly. She was now kicking her mother out once dinner was over. She did not have to put up with such crap.

“Honestly, I don’t know how you keep one darling pet. I’m shocked she hasn’t run away yet. You’re always so crabby,” Isabel remarked.

“It must be inherited,” Shego shot back.

“From your father.”

Okay, Shego was definitely throwing her mother out right after the meal. It was one thing to encourage her little monster, but it was unacceptable to one-up her in an argument by bringing up her father. Nope, Isabel had to go and that was a certainty.

Isabel was far from surprised that she had all but been flung out of the door by her daughter once dinner was done. Kim had looked a bit saddened to see her go while her daughter was neutral. She did get a hug from Kim as a farewell, but nothing from Shego; all of that was expected, which was why she had already arranged for a cab to be downstairs, waiting for her. She turned to leave the building complex and ran right into Miss Crocket; she could already see why her beloved child hated the woman.

“Is there something you want?” Isabel inquired since the landlady was blocking her path. In her mind, she thought about how lucky the Texan was that she was more patient than her child was because if she was as easily irked as Shego, she would have already thrown the blue-eyed woman from her path.

“Do you really know what your daughter is like? She is practically a harlot,” Miss Crocket declared.

“You might want to explain that one,” Isabel stated. No matter how bad her daughter was, even back when Shego was rather horrible, Isabel was not interested in hearing total negativity about her daughter. There had better be reasons following why Shego was something or another or she would not bother to listen. In fact, if someone did not have evidence to back up their charge, she typically got angry with them and she was not pleasant at all when angry.

“That girl that lives with her, she keeps her in a collar and drags her around on a leash,” Miss Crocket commented.

Her words were actually complete and total hearsay since, first of all, she had never seen Shego pull Kim around on a leash. She had seen Kim in the collar, but she had no proof that Shego made the redhead wear it. She had not seen any evidence that Kim and Shego were more than roommates.

“Still?” Isabel asked. She had thought that the leash thing was only temporary, a joke at best to just play with the nature of their relationship. She thought that her child was playing too much if she was still pulling Kim around on a leash and she would definitely talk to her daughter about that if the statement was true.

“Still? Then you know about them?” the Texan inquired in a bit of an astonished tone. She would have thought that if a mother knew that her daughter was doing such sick, twisted things then she would try to stop her daughter. It would seem that she had been wrong.

“Yes. Kim is Shego’s pet,” Isabel stated plainly as if such a thing was normal.

The middle-aged martial artist just felt that what two consenting adults did in their own home was their own business, especially if they were not hurting anyone. Shego had not forced Kim to be her pet and she was not forcing the younger woman to stay with her. Kim was there because she wanted to be, so to Isabel, there was nothing wrong with what they were doing. They were just getting along the best way that they could and that was no one else’s business.

“Disgusting,” Miss Crocket declared. “I knew they were perverts.”

“Calm down. First of all, it is a rather innocent relationship. Kim wears the collar and leash because she wants to do so and there’s nothing going on between them and even if there were, it’s none of your damn business. You’re acting like a bitch over something this stupid? What the hell are you, ten?” Isabel inquired in an annoyed tone. Stupid people got on her nerves, especially stupid people that could not mind their own business. It was really no mystery where Shego got her attitude from.

“Excuse me?” Miss Crocket gasped. She was stunned by the language the middle-aged woman used, not to mention her stance on the issue.

“Why are you wasting your time on this bullshit? She owns the apartment and the only way to get her out would be to set the whole building on fire. She and Kim aren’t bothering anyone, hell, Kim especially. Go invent a new cookie or something and shut the hell up. They’re not doing shit to you,” Isabel replied.

“Listen here—” the blue-eyed woman tried to speak, but she was cut off.

“No, I’m done listening because you’re not saying anything worth listening to. Stop bothering my daughter and her pet. They’re not bothering you. What the hell?” the martial artist commented.

“They’re perverts,” Miss Crocket argued for lack of a better thing. She was just too shocked to think of anything better to come at the mother with. Besides, they were perverts and that was the issue. They were sick perverts as far as she was concerned.

“How the fuck are they perverts? They’re not even having sex. Are you really this fucking stupid?” Isabel asked seriously. Who were these people that always thought that they had the right to tell people how to live their lives in their own homes? Such a thing always amazed the middle-aged martial artist.

The Texan looked deeply offended by the words, especially the question on her intelligence. “How do you know what they’re doing?” she inquired.

“Because she’s my daughter. I know her. How the hell do you know what they’re doing? Do you have the apartment wired or something?” the emerald-eyed woman countered. She could not believe that she was sticking around to have such a moronic discussion, but she had to defend her daughter and her little pet.

“Of course I don’t,” the landlady answered.

“Then you just hear rumors and other stupid bullshit like that. Look, I’m not even having this conversation anymore. You don’t know shit about those girls and you’ve got stupid ass ideas from hearsay,” Isabel stated and then she pushed by Miss Crocket because she was no longer looking to have such a pointless argument. She had better things to waste time on; she hated to know that her phone was ringing all of the time because some stupid bitch had poked her nose in her daughter’s business and had come to some wrong conclusions. To make matters worse, the woman had just irked her. Oh, she was pissed now.

Shego was glad to be rid of her mother. The older woman seemed more annoying lately and she knew that it was because she had Kim in her life. It irked her that her mother thought that her girl was so adorable and outwardly showed that she thought the redhead was cute. There was just the way her mother interacted with Kim and encouraged her to be even more of a monster somehow that rubbed the green-skinned woman the wrong way. Obviously, Shego was just an easily annoyed person.

“Is your mom coming back soon?” Kim asked; she was lounging on the sofa, resting on her back. She was hoping that her master was going to join her and she could get her head caressed.

“Hopefully not,” Shego answered as she walked through the living room and did not bother looking at her needy pet.

“Why not?” the redhead whined as if that would bring Shego’s mother back anytime soon. She liked Isabel and liked talking with the older martial artist. Actually, much of the time, she was in awe to be in the same room as such a famous fighting woman. Yes, she could be star-stuck.

“Because she pisses me off,” the pale woman replied.

“But, I like her.”

“Well, your opinion doesn’t matter,” Shego pointed out, which Kim knew was lie. Her mistress was just looking to be mean at the moment because she was so annoyed.

The slender hero huffed and she puffed out her cheeks to show that she disliked that response. “Why not?” she inquired.

“Quit whining. It’s getting on my nerves,” the moss-hued woman stated, which was true.

The younger female sighed; her owner was upset yet again. She supposed that she had two ways that she could go about changing her master’s mood. She could always go with her usual approach, the pet approach. The pet approach would be to request that Shego shampoo her head or force her mistress to caress her scalp. Those would be beneficial for both of them since they both liked both things and found them to be very relaxing.

But, there was now a new tactic that she would like to try. It would be nice to try a new, more adult approach to the matter. She smiled to herself; she was going to go with that approach. It might prove more fun than a shampooing.

Kim hopped up off of the sofa and trotted after her vexed mistress. She got to Shego before she entered the bedroom. She embraced the raven-haired woman from behind and rested her head against Shego’s shoulder, which was close to bare since she was wearing a tank-top. She rubbed her cheek into the pale skin. She placed a long, lingering, and wet kiss onto the shoulder blade. She then lapped at the place that she kissed as she pulled away.

“What are you doing?” Shego asked as if she did not know.

“Can I see what you bought?” Kim inquired while her index finger began circling her master’s bellybutton.

“Tomorrow,” the emerald-eyed female answered.

“Now. Please,” the redhead requested while planting small kisses on the shoulder.


“Why not?” the scientist whispered, still teasing Shego’s flesh with kisses, licks, and touching around her navel.

“Because you’ve had enough surprises for one night.”

“Are you sure?” Kim asked; she wanted one more surprise at least.


The younger woman sighed, but wondered if she could get more with her new tactic. She lightly ran her teeth over her master’s shoulder. Shego shuddered, but made sure not to make a sound; the kid certainly knew how to make herself wanted, the pale female thought. Kim noticed the movement as she was just being egged on by it. She continued on kissing and lightly biting at the shoulder. Her hands continued to play with Shego’s bellybutton.

“Still not going to let me see?” Kim asked. She had half wanted to see what Shego had brought her, but mostly now desired to go to bed.

“You’re a bad girl. Bad Princess,” Shego stated.

“You’re really not going to let me see, are you?” Kim asked in disbelief.


“Damn you, Shego,” the energetic hero pretended to huff.

“Oh, that’s it,” the pale woman declared and she turned around.

Shego grabbed her mischievous pet and slung her over her shoulder with ease, like a useless sack. Kim yelped in surprise; she really had not seen the move coming. The older female dragged her pet into the bedroom and flopped the petite redhead down on the bed. Kim yelped again and she knew what was going to come before it even happened; Shego began tickling her. Kim broke down into a fit of giggles; her mistress knew every spot on her that was just extra-sensitive.

“Mercy!” the savior-of-the-world begged. Before meeting Shego, she had never known that she was so ticklish, but now she realized that it was a physical weakness, especially when it came to her sides. She could hardly do anything when being tickled; she could not even mount a proper escape.

“Not for someone so naughty,” the raven-haired officer stated.

“Please! Please!” the redhead shouted while trying to crawl away. She was not getting very far.


“Damn you, Shego!” Kim complained, tears forming in her eyes because she was laughing so hard. Well, at least she had changed her master’s mood; she just was hoping for something fun and not torment.

(New day)

Kim was sleeping on the sofa. She had just come in from a rough mission; she was so out that she did not hear the door open. Shego was glad that she had not been charged and attacked at the door. She went to the living room since she was almost certain that her pet was sleeping; Kim was almost always home before she came in, even if she had a mission or two that day. She caressed the dozing girl’s red mane.

“You still didn’t show me what you brought,” Kim said in a whisper, showing that she was awake, though barely.

“When you’re up you can see,” Shego replied.

“I am up,” the scholar argued.

“Pumpkin, your eyes aren’t even opening,” the older woman pointed out.

“I’m still up,” Kim mumbled. It was true that her eyes were not open and, as soon as there was a moment of silence between them, she was unconscious again.

Shego laughed a bit; it was amusing that her pet was out so soon, even though she swore that she was awake. She usually guessed that when her girl was as wiped out as she was that she had a mission that day. It amazed her that Kim could run all over the world for the day and still beat her home. She was not sure how the slim scientist did such a thing, but she just chalked it up to the fact that Kim could do anything.

The pale woman went to get comfortable in the apartment. She took her shower and got into her house clothes. She then parked herself on the couch, putting Kim’s head in her lap of course. The redhead seemed to know where she was, even though she was still sleeping. She turned and pressed her face into her owner’s abdomen, snuggling into the green-skinned officer’s flat stomach. Shego did not mind and they stayed like that until Kim really woke up.

“Rough day?” Shego asked her pet as the petite hero rolled over to be able to look at the pale woman.

“Average,” Kim answered. “You?”

“The same.”

Average to both of them was still crazy to most people. Kim had come in from retrieving some stolen museum goods while Shego had tangled with a large mutated pack of dogs. They had both had to put up with dangerous situations through out the day, but it was still average for them. It was nothing new for them, which was why they did not even to talk about it.

“Do I get to see now?” the younger female asked.

“Maybe,” Shego replied in a wishy-washy tone.

“You’re going to make me do tricks, aren’t you?’ Kim realized.

“That sounds like a very good idea,” the super-powered female answered as if she had not planned on that all along.

The redheaded scholar yawned and rolled off of the sofa. She yawned again as she climbed to her feet. She stretched as if she was really about to do something, even though she knew that Shego enjoyed seeing her do simple, pretty much mindless things. She thought that doing tricks were funny, so she did not mind doing them, even if they were mindless. She then awaited her orders.

“Hmm…roll over,” Shego said; it was one of her all-time favorites.

Kim complied and rolled over; if she had a tail, it would have more than likely wagged as she did that act. She then sat up and waited for the next trick. The older woman thought on what she wanted her brat to do next.

“I know,” Shego said and then she went to the kitchen.

Kim was confused; what did the kitchen have to do with her doing tricks? Oh, she commanded her mind to not go down that road, even though it really wanted to go there. Shego came back with marshmallows; Kim was very perplexed now and trying her best mentally to not go down that road. The emerald-eyed woman took out one of the snow-colored sweets and placed it on Kim’s nose, giving the hyperactive hero a good idea that she was expected to balance the sugar-filled cloud on her nose.

“Hold it,” Shego ordered.

The scholar tried her best to balance the marshmallow on her nose. At least it was not an egg, she told herself. She held it for a few seconds before she started to lose it; it was not as easy as dogs made balancing biscuits look. She tried to keep it on her nose, but it was no use. Before the treat could hit the floor, Kim ate the marshmallow.

“Did I say you could eat it?” the super-powered officer inquired.

“Nope, but you didn’t say I couldn’t eat it either,” Kim replied with a smirk.

“You’re just bad. All right, last one. Eskimo kiss.”

The redhead almost laughed; it was funny to hear her bad-ass mistress say such words with a straight face. She had no problem with obeying the command, though. She crawled over to her master and rubbed noses with Shego. The green-skinned woman could not help smiling; she thoroughly enjoyed being able to do silly things with Kim that she never would think to do with anyone else.

“Do I get to see now?” Kim asked with an eager grin.

Shego smiled again and went to get the bag that she had brought in yesterday; it was still in the bedroom. She came back out into the living room and Kim parked herself next to her pale master to see what was in the bag. Shego handed the whole thing over to her little monster, who made a curious noise.

“Everything in there is yours, so you open it,” the emerald-eyed woman explained.

Kim grinned again; her mistress was so nice! She opened the bag and the first thing that she noticed was a black collar. It looked just like the one that she had thrown away. It even had the little oval tag on it that proclaimed her “Pumpkin.”

“Thanks. I was just thinking about how I missed my black one,” the slender scientist said.

Shego shrugged, not bothering to explain that the collar was purchased so that she had one that matched her clothing. She noticed that Kim went out in the green collar despite the fact that it often clashed with whatever she had on. If her pet was going to continue to wear the collar, she at least wanted the girl to match, which explained the next item in the bag; a dark pink collar with a sun-shaped tag that read “Kimmie.”

“Now, I can coordinate outfits,” Kim stated while looking at her two new collars. She actually liked the collars because she enjoyed being different now. Monique was looking to steal the style when she started her own fashion line; she thought that it was a cute notion.

“You’re such a weird kid,” Shego commented because she was aware that her munchkin really did enjoy the collars.

“Yup,” the scientist concurred.

“Keep going. There’s something else in there,” the pale woman stated.

The redhead reached into the bag and found a smaller bag. She freed it from the plastic bowels and then opened it to find a small velvet box. She opened that and found a thin sliver bracelet with a single emerald in it. She was speechless.

“Do you like it?” Shego asked curiously because the girl had not said anything.

“I love it. But, why?” Kim inquired because she was confused. She was so used to getting pet things, or somewhat childish treats, or necessities. She never expected to get jewelry from her master.

“Because,” Shego answered and shrugged.

The green-skinned woman actually bought the bracelet to prove to herself that she could. She wanted to prove to herself that she could buy something nice for Kim that was not fit for some mutt. She could see Kim as a human being and, eventually, she could physically return all of the love that Kim showed her, or so was the hope that she refused to voice.

Yes, she was still nervous about the idea of trying to make love to Kim. She really did not know what to do, despite taking mental notes on what Kim did every time the redhead went to work. She just kept thinking that she would do something wrong or that she would not be good enough. Little by little, she did things, but she had not done anything worth noting in her opinion. She had not done anything close to what Kim had done to her.

“Thank you!” Kim shouted and she leaped on her mistress. She planted a long and very wet kiss on Shego’s mouth. The pale woman accepted the kiss as thanks and returned it with just as much enthusiasm. She was certain that if she was given enough time, she would be able to touch her girl and make the little redhead melt without having to worry about the fact that she had never made love to a woman before.

Next time: Panic strikes Junior and Miss Crocket apologizes…but, does Shego give a crap?

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