The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Thirty-two



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TITLE: Cousins

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4237

Shego caressing her pet.

Okay, here I am minding my own business, trying to spend the day with my mistress while being good and then this lady shows up at the door and won’t go away. I already told her that the Cassandra person that she’s looking for isn’t here. I figure I’ll leave it for Shego to handle while I keep trying to solve my puzzle cube. I just hope that she doesn’t ruin my mistress’ mood. After all, Shego has been completely relaxed all day thanks to yours truly and I’d like her to stay that way, so I can keep lying in her lap.

“Princess, what the hell is with the knocking? Why didn’t you get the door?” Shego inquired as she returned to the living room with two bowls of chocolate and vanilla ice cream mixed together.

There was knocking at the front door that Kim was just ignoring and it was irking her master. Shego figured that the least her lazy, good-for-nothing pet could do was answer the door. It was usually something that the hyper redhead jumped up to do; it was about the only thing that she jumped up to do aside for eat.

“I did. Some crazy blonde is out there. She won’t believe that the person she’s looking for doesn’t live here,” Kim explained as her owner handed her the frozen treat. She smiled as she took the first spoonful.

“Well, it’s getting on my damn nerves,” Shego declared.

The green-skinned female put her ice cream down on the small table to the side of the sofa. She went to answer the door. She yanked the door open, fully intending to harshly curse out the obvious moron that was playing around with her property. She was speechless for a couple of seconds when she saw who it was that was at her doorstep. Someone, somewhere really had to hate her, Shego thought; it was the only way to explain why she was looking at who she was looking at.

“Cassie!” the blonde practically cheered when she saw who had answered the door.

“Lynn, what the fuck are you doing here and how the fuck do you know where the fuck I live?” Shego inquired a forceful tone. In her mind, she was plotting her mother’s immediate demise because it had to be her mother’s fault. Only her mother could orchestrate something so heinous, so evil to have the blonde standing before her.

“Well, Aunt Isabel was telling my mom about how you’re a cop in Go City and when I told my mom that I was going to be in Go City, she looked you up for me. She gave me such great directions and everything,” the blonde, Lynn, explained. From the way she was speaking, it seemed that she was totally missing the fact that the pale woman was irate with her presence.

“Damn it,” Shego sucked her teeth. Her mother just had to have a little sister that was as much of a busybody as she was. Fine, new plan, she would kill her aunt the next time that she saw the woman and then she would curse her grandmother out for having two extremely wicked daughters.

“And, so here I am,” Lynn proclaimed as if she had accomplished something extraordinary. Her mother had done all of the hard work, unless of course her mother just called Isabel to get all of the information that she needed, but that was still more than what the chipper blonde annoyance had done, so she had no reason to be proud in her cousin’s opinion.

“Uh-huh, nice. Get the fuck out,” the raven-haired female ordered in an exceptionally rude tone. It was actually a tone that she reserved just for the person in front of her. She loathed her cousin so much that she had a whole set of rude words and gestures put away just for her; none of them seemed to make to Lynn’s brain, though.

Lynn laughed a bit, as if she was just told a slightly humorous joke. “You’re still funny, cousin. Do you have any food?” the blonde asked as she easily pushed her way further into the house.

Shego looked absolutely offended by the question, like she was really going to feed her most annoying cousin. It would indeed be a very cold day in all nine levels of Hell before she did anything for her cousin aside for yell at her. “Lynn, get the fuck out!” she ordered again while grabbing the younger female by the arm to toss her out if necessary.

“Cassie, why are you acting like this?” the blonde inquired like she was truly shocked by her cousin’s behavior.

“Because I don’t like you, you know that good and well. It’s not a fucking secret. So, get out,” the emerald-eyed female stated bluntly while pointing out into the hallway to make sure the stupid girl did not get confused on what she meant.

“Cousin, could you just make me something to eat?” Lynn requested. She was used to Shego’s attitude; she had grown up around it. She just never seemed to accept the attitude and expected the pale woman to give into her like everyone else did.

“Damn it to the fiery and deepest pits of Hell, what part of ‘get the fuck out’ are you missing, Lynn?” Shego demanded to know. Why was it like her family was just jam-packed with idiots and annoyances?

Lynn knew that her cousin could not beat her to pulp, no matter how much the older woman wanted to, which why she ignored her older cousin’s attitude; it was always why she ignored the elder female’s attitude. She failed to take into account that Shego really had no problem with throwing her out. The law enforcer made sure that she had a good grip on Lynn’s arm and flung the blonde girl back into the hall. She slammed the door and considered it a victory for her. She was about to return to the living room and relax with her little monster when Lynn started banging on the door again. The moss-hued officer growled and opened the door again to curse her irksome relative out.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a fucking moron?” Shego demanded to know; she believed that she knew the answer to that question. Oh, she hated her cousin with a passion, always had and probably always would. So, why the hell would the blonde gnat not take the damn hint and leave her the hell alone?

“You have to let me in or I’ll call Aunt Isabel,” Lynn threatened her cranky cousin.

“You fucking bitch,” the super-powered officer groaned. It was taking almost all of her willpower to not knock her relative unconscious and leave her bleeding in the hallway.

Lynn smiled; she had her big cousin right where she wanted her. “So, what kind of food do you have here?” she asked as the door opened and she strolled back into the apartment.

Shego made a fist; she could just kill Lynn. It would not be a problem for her and she did not have to worry about her aunt’s wrath. Her aunt was no match for her, she reminded herself. But then again, her mother would lament the loss of her only niece. She should be able to take her mother, her brain commented. The woman was like fifty now; she had to be slow by now, the moss-hued woman thought. She had to be able to take her down, so she could just kill Lynn.

Shego slammed the door again as she watched Lynn walk into the living room. Apparently, she could not just kill her little cousin. And then she was struck by another thought because of where her relative was going. Oh, no, Princess. Oh, dear, sweet merciful anything, spare her the scene of her pet actually liking Lynn. Spare her the scene of her pet actually interacting with Lynn if a serious fight was not involved.

She just needed to get Lynn out of her home to avoid any chances of something bothersome happening; there was only room for one annoying, spoiled brat in the apartment. Shego walked into the living room and saw the pair eyeing each other as if they were trying to figure out what the other was doing there. Well, at least they were not getting along, Shego thought.

“So, you were at the right house?” Kim asked the newcomer in a confused tone.

“Yeah. So, who the hell are you?” Lynn practically demanded to know. She was upset because the redhead had tried to lie to her as far as she was concerned.

Kim glanced at her mistress, looking for what she was supposed to say to the blonde. Was she supposed to lie to the blonde girl? Was it all right for her to know the truth? Shego decided to respond instead of letting her pet even bother with her cousin.

“She’s none of your fucking business. Now, act like you have some damn manners and introduce yourself before asking who she is,” the pale woman commanded her rude cousin.

“I’m AdrenaLynn. I’m sure you heard of me,” the blonde announced as if she was someone important.

Kim looked at her owner again, now wondering what the newcomer was going on about. Why should she have heard of the blonde? Was that person someone who assumed that she was precious to Kim’s mistress? Just who was the self-important blonde female?

“She’s got this dumb-ass television show that dumb-ass people watch her doing dumb-ass shit,” Shego explained to her perplexed pet.

“Television show?” the slender scientist echoed. She had never heard of such a show or such a star, but then again, when she did watch television, she watched a limited variety of shows. She liked trivia shows, documentaries, forensic shows and movies.

“Yes, it gets top ratings,” Lynn declared.

“Among the stupid and misled,” her cousin remarked. “What the hell are you even doing here?” she asked the blonde.

“Well, I’m going to be filming in Go City for a week or so and I figured while I was here, I’d like to see my favorite cousin,” Lynn answered and Shego could only wonder how the blonde bimbo could smile while saying those words. It was like she did not know that the older woman hated her guts.

“Well, you saw me, now get out,” the officer commanded with the blunt force that a bat would envy.

“Wait, you’re her cousin?” Kim inquired, speaking to Lynn while pointing at Shego.

“Don’t you see the family resemblance? Freaky,” Lynn commented while motioning from her cousin to her.

The redhead glanced away just because the blonde had uttered the word “freaky” for no reason that she could see. She also could not see the so-called family resemblance. Her owner and Lynn looked nothing alike outside the fact that they were both human females. She wondered what side of the family Lynn came from.

Shego pinched the bridge of her nose; more than five minutes with her cousin and she was going to have to kill the girl, especially if she started with that “freaky” nonsense. It was a meaningless catchphrase and only the mindless would utter it, in her opinion. To make matters worse, Lynn had been using the worthless word since she was about ten, so she had sucked the life from it a long time ago.

“Lynn, you’ve got to get out,” the emerald-eyed law enforcer stated. It was a must; the girl was either leaving voluntarily or the older female was going to murder her to get rid of her.

“I just want to spend sometime with you, Cassie,” Lynn said and she sort of whined the name.

“And if you call me ‘Cassie’ one more time, I’m going to rip your tongue out and force you to eat it,” the raven-haired woman replied. Kim remained on the sofa and ate her ice cream while the cousins went back and forth. It was like the little redhead was watching a play.

“Aunt Isabel wouldn’t like that,” Lynn replied with a snobbish smirk.

Shego growled; her cousin knew the right cards to pull at the right time. She hated her cousin more than she hated anyone else now, she believed; the thought kept entering her mind because the blonde was really getting on her nerves. The girl was a clingy wannabe, just an all out disgrace to their mothers’ family. But, she was the baby girl in a family that adored little girls, so she was excused and spoiled. There was the fact that she was not the only spoiled person in the family, though; Shego pulled out her cell phone and her annoyed look was suddenly replied with a smirk as if she was the cat that ate the canary.

“Cassie, what are you doing?” Lynn asked curiously.

“Hi, Mommy,” Shego said into her phone. “No, everything’s fine…Pumpkin is cool…Yeah, your niece is standing in my living room right now and I’m going to kick her ass. Just thought that you’d like to know… No, okay. Here,” Shego said and then she handed the phone to her bothersome relative.

The crestfallen expression on Lynn’s face let Shego know that the conversation was not going in her cousin’s favor, which she expected. Now, her mother adored her little niece and liked spoiling the blonde brat, but her niece was not her daughter. Isabel’s little firefly was first in her heart and she gave in to a lot of things to make Shego happy; it had been that way since the officer was born. So, while Isabel would like for the cousins to get along, she would not force her daughter into spending too much time with Lynn when she knew how Lynn got on Shego’s nerves. Lynn bid her aunt farewell and then handed her cousin her phone back.

“She’s still on the line,” the television star informed her cousin in a moping tone. Shego put the phone to her ear.

“Yeah?” the pale woman said.

“I told her to stay for a couple of minutes without being a pest, but feel free to get rid of her whenever it pleases you. She should know better than to show up at anyone’s home unannounced. How rude of her,” Isabel stated.

Isabel meant those words too. She and her sister had raised their daughters typically better than their daughters behaved. They taught their girls manners and how to act properly. Lynn and Shego often choose not to acknowledge those lessons unless their mothers were around.

“All right,” Shego concurred.

“Also, try not to be too hard on her. You know that she idolizes you,” the middle-aged martial artist commented.

“Whatever,” Shego said and she disconnected the call. She turned her attention back to her cousin. “Lynn, get out,” she bluntly commanded.

“But—” Lynn tried to object. She could not believe that her cousin had called Isabel so quickly. She should have done it first, her mind commented. Had she been able to plead her case to her aunt first, she might have gotten Isabel on her side.

“Bye,” the green-skinned female interjected.

Lynn frowned and Shego escorted her out of the apartment. The pale woman breathed a sigh of relief to be rid of that problem and she hoped that she did not have to see the blonde again. She returned to her living room and to her pet. She sat down and then remembered her ice cream. She turned to pick up her snack only to discover that it was gone. She turned to her girl, who was gulping down some ice cream. Shego craned an eyebrow as she noticed an empty dish next to her little monster.

“Pumpkin,” Shego said in an eerily calm tone.

“Yes?” Kim asked while smiling to show that she was thoroughly enjoying the ice cream.

“Is that mine?” the older woman inquired.

“Um…it didn’t have your name on it?” the redhead replied. It was really the best thing that she could come up with and she doubted that it was going to fly.

“Everything in this house is mine, first of all, whether it has my name on it or not. So, give me that. Besides, you’re mine too, so you can’t take stuff from me,” Shego argued and she snatched the treat from her munchkin.

Kim’s face fell, as if she did not know that the snack would be taken from her when she was found out. She made her bottom lip start to tremble as if she was about to burst into tears. The raven-haired female pretended not to care and tried to enjoy what little ice cream that she had left. Eventually the pouting got to her and she shoved the cup into her pet’s hands. Kim cheered and went back to devouring the frozen treat.

“You’re such a spoiled monster,” Shego commented.

“Yeah,” Kim easily agreed. Hey, she knew what she could get away with and she liked getting away with things when it came to her master for some reason, so she did it as often as she could. “So, your name is Cassie?” she asked with an impish smile.

“Listen to me because I’m only going to say this once: never, ever call me that or you’ll regret it,” the pale woman vowed.

“What about Cassandra? I like that. Can I call you Cassandra?” Kim requested and even though she was still smiling, she was rather serious. She would not mind being able to call her master by her given name.

“Do you want to die?” the emerald-eyed officer countered. The name and any of its variations sounded so vile to her ears. She thought it was such a horrible name. Who named her daughter after a prophetess of doom that no one ever believed? After a princess who foresaw her own death and became a prisoner of war? It was a jinx as far as she was concerned. Maybe all of her bad luck in life was due to her name.

“What’s wrong? It’s a great name. I like it. I now know your full name is Cassandra Gooding.” Kim smiled wider.

“That’s it! You’re sleeping in the loft tonight!” Shego proclaimed because her elf was getting on her last nerves right now. It did not help matters that she had so few nerves to spare since she had to deal with Lynn.

“No!” the slim hero cried. “Please!” she begged.

“No, you don’t know how to listen. Naughty pets get punished,” the green-skinned female stated soundly and she even took back her monster’s snack.

“I’m sorry!” the redheaded scholar apologized. Not only had she lost her extra ice cream, but now she was sleeping in the loft. Had her mistress seen the loft? It looked like a swamp of loose papers and photographs and a jungle of books. She did not even know where her mattress was in that mess!

“No, you’re not,” Shego said.

“Yes, I am!” the little pet insisted.


Kim fell to the floor like a boneless mass and proceeded to throw a huge tantrum that got her no sympathy from her master. The little hero pretended to cry, but Shego ignored her. And when bedtime came, Kim was left in the living room, looking extra-pathetic as Shego started toward the bedroom. Kim crawled after her owner on all fours like a submissive, begging puppy. Before the older woman entered her bedroom, Kim grabbed her ankle.

“Princess,” Shego said in a stern voice.

“I’ll be good,” Kim promised.

The older woman sighed. “Shut up and get in the bed,” she ordered.

“Yes! You’re the best mistress ever!” the redhead grinned.

The moss-hued woman rolled her eyes while her elfish munchkin rose to her feet and bounced into the room. Kim smiled contently as she crawled under the covers while Shego lay down. Kim, of course, snuggled up to her beloved owner as soon as she could and she sighed. She fell asleep easily, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like “Goodnight, Cassie.” Shego fell asleep with a scowl on her face.

(Next day)

“Shego, what the hell is she doing here?” Doctor Director inquired in a slightly furious tone as she noticed an anomaly in their headquarters.

“Who?” the officer countered. She was minding her own business at her desk, so she did not see why the boss was asking her things.

The one-eyed woman pointed by the door and Shego turned to look. The pale woman’s face fell into a shocked expression, which quickly became a frown. Her idiotic cousin was at the department headquarters. She now had the same question as Betty wandering through her mind, what the hell was she doing there?

“Well?” the chief pressed.

“I don’t know. You know I don’t have anything to do with her,” the super-powered woman answered. She was not her cousin’s keeper; thank goodness for that. And if it was up to her, she and Lynn would never share the same hemisphere, so she definitely did not like the girl being at her place of work.

“Ah, now what the hell?” Betty sighed as she noticed Lynn walking over to Will Du. The blonde female began talking to the anal officer. Doctor Director and her friend could not hear what their relatives were talking about, but they really did not think they wanted to know.

“How cute,” Shego said sarcastically as she noted the pair. She would vomit if her cousin was attracted to Betty’s bigheaded cousin.

“This is just sick and wrong,” the boss commanded and she looked ready to throw up.

“Plain wrong,” the younger employee concurred.

The friends were happy to see that Will did not seem interested in Lynn at all. The television star was smiling as she spoke to him and she kept grabbing his arm as Will tried to walk away. Obviously, the fact that he was “busy” and “on duty” meant nothing to the blonde; there was another fact that she was ignoring, he was not interested in her at all. She did not see why he would not be interested; she was big time star and she was from a semi-famous family of great martial artists.

“I suppose it’s a good thing that Will is gay,” Shego commented with a little laugh, but she was actually being serious.

“Will is not gay,” Betty argued. Well, she was somewhat certain that Will was not gay.

“Yes, he is,” the pale woman replied. Hey, she was somewhat certain that Will was definitely gay.

“No, he isn’t,” the brunette insisted.

“To hell he isn’t. When was the last time he had a woman?” Shego inquired. She noticed that Will never seemed interested in female, but then again, he did not seem interested in anything outside of work. Hell, Will might have actually been an alien for all she knew.

The one-eyed woman was stumped momentarily by the question because she could not recall the last time that she had seen her cousin with…well, another member of the human species, let alone a woman. She was just pretty sure that he was not gay. Before she could think of a proper retort to defend her cousin’s sexuality, Lynn spotted them. Will took her few seconds of distraction to escape from her. The blonde woman smiled and waved at the two buddies.

“She still doesn’t understand that we hate her, huh?” Betty guessed. It explained why the dumb blonde was waving at them as if they cared. If they were in the old days, they would be running away right about now.

“No, it doesn’t seem to be cracking that thick skull of hers. Let’s act like we don’t see her,” Shego suggested.

“That never works,” the boss pointed out.

The pair used to act like they did not see Lynn when they were younger and she would still run over to them, as if they wanted to hang around her. It was then that they had learned it was just best to run when she was around; she never could keep up with them, especially if they started jumping fences. She was so pathetic that she could not even hop a three-foot tall gate, so they knew that their escape from her was covered if there were obstacles in her path, no matter how minor they seemed. Running worked, but they could not run in the building and they could not duck out of sight now because she had spotted them already. Damn it! They were pretty much screwed.

“We need to do something,” the pale employee stated. If they just sat there, she was going to come over and drive them up the wall.

“Kill her?” Betty proposed in an even tone, so she sounded rather serious. It was a plan that they had knocked around plenty of times in the past. Shego pondered the idea for a long moment before something helped her agree.

“Cassie!” Lynn called with a smile.

“Okay, so, I’ll char her completely and you’ll be my alibi,” Shego said to Betty, who nodded in total agreement.

Next time: the nightmare that is Lynn continues. In fact, it gets worse for Shego.

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