The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Fifty-three



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TITLE: Switch

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4313

Shego caressing her pet.

I knew this fucking idea was going to come back and just bite me in the ass the moment I let it leave my fucking mouth. I just knew it. I didn’t know how it was going to bite me, though. I thought actual teeth would be involved or something crazy like that. It would seem that I thought wrong. I have got to learn to watch what I say around this kid. I mean, last time I made a weird suggestion to her, she took me up on the offer and became my pet.

It took Kim and Shego a while to get over the fact that Todd was gone. They missed the little guy, even though he was a bit weird. Kim had actually put a nice picture of all three of them in a beautiful frame, which she hung on the wall in the living room. It was the first picture ever in to hang in Shego’s home and she did not object to it when her pet put it up. In fact, she had commented that it was a good photo. It would have been better if Shego was smiling in the picture, but then again, Todd was not smiling much either. Kim was grinning up a storm, though.

“Hey, Shego, remember at Christmas you said I could have a pet?” Kim asked out of the blue. She was lying in Shego’s lap getting her scalp caressed by her mistress while a movie was playing on television, but they were not paying it much mind.

“For a day,” Shego replied, showing that she did recall, even though that was well over a month ago. She had been hoping that Kim forgot about it, but it would seem that would have been too much to ask for. She knew deep down that Kim was not going to forget that, even though they had other things happening at the time and things had been busy since then too.

“Yeah, for a day. Well, I know what I want for the day,” the redhead commented.

“Yeah, what? A cobra? A rattlesnake? Or something else with sharp teeth that can kill us undoubtedly,” the pale woman remarked.

“No, nothing like that,” the younger female said, which surprised her master.

“Then what?” Shego asked curiously. She thought that her pet would either go for something with scales or something that barked. Those were the things that her monster had showed interest an in the past. Maybe her elf was looking to try something new and they would be stuck with a cat or bird for the day. Well, at least it would only be for the day.

“I want you,” Kim declared.

“You want me?” Shego echoed in a very curious and perplexed tone. She just did not understand what her monster was going on about. First they were talking about temporary pets and now she was making sexual demands? That did not add up, but then again, her pet really did not add up.

“I want you to be my pet for the day,” Kim explained.

“You want me to be your pet? Yeah, right,” the pale woman scoffed. Like hell she would be a pet to her own pet.

“You said anything. I want you to be my pet for the day,” the redhead insisted. “If you don’t do it, then that means you lied to me.”

Shego thought on the request. Her pet was her pet everyday. She supposed that it would not be so bad to trade places for a day and she had said anything. She was a little curious as to what it was like in her pet’s shoes. It was only for the day, she told herself. It was not like they were changing places for the rest of their lives. Surely it would not kill her to be the pet for the day.

“All right,” the raven-haired officer agreed.

“Huh?” Kim asked in disbelief. She thought that it was going to much harder than that. In fact, she had been planning the biggest tantrum ever and that was only the start of what she was going to do to get her master to agree. Wow, she sort of did not know what to do with the rest of her evening now.

“All right,” Shego repeated.

“You’ll be my pet for the day?” the hero inquired to make sure that they were talking about the same thing.


“Great, so we’ll do it on your next day off,” Kim stated.

“Why then?” Shego asked.

“So I get the whole day to have you. It wouldn’t be fair to do it when you come in for work and most of the day is already gone,” the olive-eyed girl answered. Shego shrugged because her girl had a point. So, it would seem that she was going to see how the other half lived come her next day off.

(New day)

Kim hopped up from bed, careful not to wake her mistress…oh, no, careful not to wake her pet. It was her day to be the mistress, which was why she had made sure that she woke up first. She had to make breakfast for her pet because that was what a good owner did, so she had to be up first. She trotted out to the kitchen to see what she could prepare.

The slim adventurer wondered what kind of breakfast that she should make for her master. She pretty much ate anything that could be sweetened with sugar or syrup. She noticed that her mistress…no, wait, her pet was more into buttered foods; it might take her a while to get used to considering herself the mistress. Shego almost always had a buttered bagel for breakfast, whether it was toasted or warmed in the microwave. Well, she could easily fix a bagel, but she should make more of a breakfast than that, she told herself.

She needed to make sure that her pet had a good, wholesome morning meal. So, she began searching the kitchen cabinets, taking things out as she considered what she would make for breakfast. She pulled out a bunch of things and stared at them. She scratched her head and shrugged. There were not many options in breakfast after she yanked cereal off the list of things that she could prepare. She knew that Shego would not eat cereal, not that she understood why that was, except that Shego once proclaimed that cereal was “for little kids.”

Shego woke up to the smell of smoke. She shot up from bed, thinking that Kim had set the place on fire. It just seemed like something that would happen sooner or later. She was a little glad to get it out of the way. She hoped that it was not a big fire and that it could be controlled and put out without the fire department needing to be notified. She did not need that kind of excitement on her day off.

She trotted out of the bedroom and saw that the apartment looked normal. She went to the dining room and looked into the kitchen to find Kim making breakfast. The smoke smell more than likely originated from a pile of burnt bagels on the counter. The toaster was a tricky beast to set and it was very easy to burn things, especially things that one was not accustomed to toasting, like bagels in Kim’s case. The redhead did not eat bagels, so she did not know what number to set the toaster on and the first few bagels were casualties of the sensitive appliance. She had not gotten around to throwing them out yet because she was focusing on the rest of the meal.

“Princess, what the hell are you doing?” Shego inquired with a long yawn. She was up too early for her liking on her day off. Too early meant that it was before noon.

“Good morning. I’m making breakfast,” Kim declared proudly with a smile.

“Why are you making breakfast?” the green-skinned female asked curiously. Her munchkin never made breakfast. In fact, it was still against the rules for her imp to use the stove, which limited what she could make.

“Because I’m supposed to,” Kim answered.

“You’re supposed to?” Shego echoed. She considered that she might just be having some weird dream. Since when was her monster supposed to make meals? It had to be a weird dream, which was a relief because that meant that she was really still sleeping.

“I’m the master today,” Kim reminded the apartment owner.

“Oh, yeah. That,” the pale woman muttered. Right, she was the pet today and Kim was the mistress. She guessed that it was not a dream then. Damn it, then she was actually awake.

The older female decided not to argue the matter, especially since she had agreed to play the pet for a day. She went and sat down at the table while listening to Kim mill about the kitchen. She listened to dishes clinging, so she looked into the kitchen to make sure that her monster was not breaking things. She was very nervous about having the redhead in the kitchen alone. She knew that Kim was not stupid, but she also knew that the girl was careless.

“Pumpkin, do you need help in there?” Shego asked while trying to mask her concern for her poor dishes. If Kim broke any of those plates or bowls, she was going to have to hurt that kid. She would have her imp hiding in the loft for the rest of the year if something was broken.

“No, I’m good,” the trim scholar replied.

The emerald-eyed female did not argue, but she cringed with each noise that came from the kitchen. She glanced in there every now and then to make sure that her nutty munchkin was not destroying anything. Eventually, Kim presented her with a toasted bagel and a cheese omelet. It looked edible, so Shego decided to dig in. Kim sat down and just watched her temporary pet eat.

“This is good, Pumpkin,” Shego commented in a surprised tone, which caused the younger woman to smile a little bit. It seemed that her first act as mistress was a good one.

“Hey, maybe you could call me Kim today,” the redhead suggested with a bright smile of hope.

“Don’t push it,” Shego replied.

“But, you’re my pet today,” the younger female argued. She did not see what the big deal was and she was mistress for the day, so she thought that it was only fair that her pet call her by the name she wanted.

“All right, Kimmie,” the moss-hued officer said with a taunting smirk.

“Come on. Call me Kim,” she insisted.

“Kimmie,” Shego practically purred.

The scholar sighed; she guessed that she was not going to get a “Kim” out of her short-term pet. If that was the case, Kimmie was close enough. After all, it was not often that she even got a “Kimmie” out of the older woman.

Kim got up and made herself a bowl of cereal for breakfast. After eating, she cleared the table and washed the dishes while Shego got her morning paper and started reading. Maybe the pet deal would not be so bad, the pale woman considered. After all, she was going to get to be lazy for the day and would not have to do anything at all for Kim. She really would be able to have the day off. She did not have to do anything.

When Kim was done with the dishes, she did something that stunned the hell out of the elder woman in the apartment; Kim went over to Shego and petted her. The pale woman snorted like an upset bull and moved her head. She looked up at the redhead as if she had lost what little mind she had and it was running around on the floor at that very moment.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the law enforcement agent inquired and the master-for-the-day only smiled.

So far, Shego made for a lousy pet, Kim noted. The green-skinned woman did not like being caressed and she did not trust her mistress to prepare a meal for her. The petite hero had some faith that things would get better as the day progressed because she thought that Shego might get used to the role, if only a little bit. But then again, it was Shego that was she thinking about. The pale woman had a habit of making mountains out of anthills all the time.

“I’m going to take a shower,” the older woman announced as she finished with her paper.

“Oh, do you want me to shampoo your hair for you?” Kim asked eagerly.

“Try it and die,” Shego replied.

Kim pouted; it was not like there was a part of the green-skinned female’s body that she had not seen and explored in great detail with several of her own body parts. She thought that it would be nice if she could wash Shego’s hair for once since Shego had done it so many times for her. It would seem that the temporary pet was not in agreement with that plan, though. She would leave Shego to her false modesty and not make a big deal out of it. The denial was more defiance than modesty more than likely. She was still not a good pet because of the defiance.

The redhead went to get something that she had brought just for the occasion while her pet went to take her shower. She wondered what she should do next. Maybe they could watch a movie and she would get to pet Shego’s head. Maybe it was just as soothing to do the petting as it was to have it done, even though she doubted that was likely that she would get the chance to find out with the way Shego had just dodged her petting attempt before. There was a chance that they could play fetch, but she doubted that Shego would go for that. She would give it a shot anyway. She wanted to try almost everything while she had the chance.

Part of her even considered scolding Shego. She wondered how the pale woman would react to being told “bad girl.” She doubted that it would go over well. She would not even think about hitting the officer with a magazine or something like that. It might start a real fight. If she had the chance to, she might try the scolding thing though, if only to see how her temporary pet took it.

By the time Shego was done with her shower and dressed in some house clothes, Kim was lounging on the sofa with little box next to her. The younger female was focusing on the television, looking for something to watch. Shego flopped down next to the redhead and was about to pull Kim into her lap because that was just force of habit, but the little hero resisted. Shego frowned and snorted in annoyance.

“What are you doing?” the raven-haired officer inquired.

“You should lay in my lap,” Kim suggested while pointing to herself, as if her temporary pet did not know who she meant.

“No way,” Shego objected.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not.”

“But, today you’re the pet,” Kim pointed out.

“I’m still not lying in your lap.”

Kim sighed once again; yeah, Shego was not a good pet. She wondered if she should have just gone with a reptile or something for the day. It would have been easier and possibly more fulfilling if she brought home something with scales. She picked up the box that was next to her and handed it to Shego.

“Here, I got this for you,” Kim said in a mumble.

“Hmm?” Shego looked down at the box.

“You know, for today.”

The officer was curious and so, she opened the box. She was not surprised to find that it contained a collar. She picked the collar up and inspected it. It was a grass green collar with triangular tag that read “Shego.”

“I wanted it to match with stuff you wear,” the slender redhead explained.

“Well, it does that,” Shego muttered.

“So, are you going to put it on or what?”


“Why not?” Kim inquired. Boy, a snake was looking like a fine choice in pets now.

“I’m not wearing a collar.” What the hell was wrong with Kim, she wondered. There was no way in all the world that she was going to put a collar on.

“You’re a pet. You have to wear a collar or someone might mistake you for a stray. Do you want to end up in the pound or an animal shelter?” the scientist asked as if she was serious with inquiry, much like the pale woman might do with her.

Shego failed to see the humor in that question and it showed on her face. The redhead was not put off by that and took the collar from her pet. She attached the collar around Shego’s neck and smiled at the sight. She then went to pet the cranky female again.

“So cute,” the adventurer said and Shego knocked her hand away.

“Quit it,” Shego ordered. She did not like the way that the day was going. She thought that she was going to get to laze around on the sofa, reading or just about anything that she wanted to do. Instead she was getting annoyed for the most part with collars and attempts to rub her head like she was random bunny.

The petite hero pouted and turned away from her temporary pet for a moment. Well, that had gone over as well as she had hoped. She wondered what she should do now. Maybe they could play a game, she considered. She got up from her seat and went to get the ball that Shego usually made her fetch when one of them got bored.

Kim showed the small ball to the green-skinned officer and then threw the ball into the hall of the apartment. Shego watched the ball and then she turned her attention back to the decided crazy person living with her. Kim stared at her moss-hued pet.

“Well,” the redhead said.

“Well what?” Shego asked. What the hell was the girl getting at now?

“You’re not going to fetch the ball, are you?” Kim sighed.

“Fuck, no. I’m not a dog,” Shego replied.

The olive-eyed scientist pouted again, much more deeply now. She was saddened and slightly offended by the response. Shego seemed to realize her words a few seconds after they left her mouth. She supposed that they were not the best choice of words considering their circumstances. She almost always made Kim fetch the stupid ball when she was bored. The fact that Kim actually did it was one of the things that made her such a good pet. Shego sighed and rose from the sofa to go get the damn ball.

“Here,” the pale woman said in a huff as she handed her mistress the ball.

“Good girl,” Kim cooed and she reached out to caress Shego’s scalp for a job well done.

“What the hell are you doing?” the emerald-eyed woman demanded to know as she stepped away from the redhead.

“What? You do this to me all of the time,” Kim pointed out.

Shego was stunned by that news. Did she really treat Kim in such a demeaning manner? If so, she could see why it had taken her so long to come to grips with how she felt about the little monster. She treated Kim like a dog.

“Let’s do it again,” Kim suggested in a chipper tone and she threw the ball again.

“You’re pressing your luck,” Shego stated and she walked off after the ball again.

Kim only smiled. The day pretty much went with the pair staying inside and Kim trying to treat Shego the way that Shego treated her, but the older woman was not as enthused with everything as Kim usually would be. Some things Shego flat out refused to do, like play dead and roll over. She was going to be so glad when the day was finally over and everything could go back normal.

“Come on, if you do the trick, you get a treat,” Kim told her pet.

“I’m not doing it,” Shego insisted.

Kim had been trying positive reinforcement to get her pale girl to do a trick, but it did not seem to be working. It seemed that she was going to have to pull out the last resort. She wondered how Shego would react to it.

“Bad girl,” Kim scolded Shego and she actually thumped the pale woman in the nose.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” the green-skinned female snarled after a moment. It took a few seconds to get over the fact that she had just been called a “bad girl” and got whacked in the nose for it.

“Bad girl. Now, do the trick,” Kim ordered.

Shego muttered profanities under her breath while noting that she did not like being called a “bad girl” just because she did not want to do a stupid pet trick. Rather than being told that she was bad and getting hit in the nose again, she opted to do the idiotic stunt. She laid down on the floor and “presented her belly.” Kim leaned down and rubbed Shego’s stomach.

“Aw, that’s a good girl,” Kim cooed. Shego was so going to kill her tomorrow.

The day was finally done with. Shego was so sick of being the pet. She could not believe that “fetch” was even dumber when she was the one retrieving the ball. She could hardly relax because she did not want to do anything that Kim requested of her. Everything seemed so wrong, humiliating, and shameful. She thought that only a certified idiot would voluntarily do such things and then she looked at Kim, who was about to jump into bed.

“Don’t,” Shego warned the brat.

Kim did not listen and flopped down on the bed. The older woman sighed and snatched up her little monster. She began tickling Kim for being so hardheaded. The redhead tried her best to get away, but it did not work.

“You can’t do this! I’m still the mistress and you’re still the pet!” the slim scholar complained through loud giggles.

“I’m one of those pets that attacks her master,” the emerald-eyed female replied.

“No fair! Come on, stop!” Kim pled. Why did her owner have to know that she was so ticklish? It had been such a well kept secret all the way up until she started living with Shego.

“You won’t jump on the bed anymore, right?”


Shego released her “mistress” and Kim tried to catch her breath while ceasing her laughter. The elder female did gather Kim back up in her arms and held onto the smaller woman. She buried her cheek in Kim’s soft hair. The scientist sighed; it was a content sound.

“Pumpkin,” Shego said.

“Hmm?” Kim replied.

“Why did you do this for me? Why do you stay my pet?” the pale woman inquired curiously. After living through it for a day, she was baffled as to why the kid remained with her. She thought someone as smart as Kim would have run off the first hour of such treatment. Yet Kim not only stayed, but she came back after she was released. Hell, she came back after running away.

“To be with you. I thought you knew.”

“But, you’ve never felt like this was an insult to you intelligence, or your pride, your dignity, hell, even your humanity?”

“No,” Kim answered honestly. Even when she had first started the job, it served a purpose and that was fine by her.

“Explain that one to me. How is it that you’re okay with all of this?”

Kim settled against Shego before answering the question. “Well, whenever I do something, I try to tell myself just what I’m getting into for fewer surprises and I always remind myself why I’m getting into it. I always like to remind myself why I’m doing something. I mean, I know I might come across as nutty, impulsive, and even a little dizzy, but I do think things out. Maybe I do it just a little faster than most people and come to stranger conclusions, but I do think stuff out. Whenever you ask me to do something from when we got together, I just reminded myself that I agreed to be your pet and why I had agreed to it and that made me all right with doing whatever you asked,” she explained.

“Well, sorry for making you do anything that was stupid,” Shego apologized.

“Well, I’d do anything for you,” Kim replied and she looked up at the pale woman. “Or to you,” she added with a smirk.

“You are no good,” Shego commented.

“You like me that way.”

“I love you that way,” Shego corrected the redhead.

“If you really love me, you’ll be a good pet for the rest of the night,” the younger woman remarked.

Shego laughed, but she supposed that she could play the pet for the rest of the night. She did still have the collar on and everything. She rested against Kim that night instead of the other way around. She also molested Kim that night instead of the other way around; apparently, there were good points in being a pet.

Next time: Isabel arranges for a little family get together with the Possible family being included.

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