The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Forty-six

Stupid pet tricks


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TITLE: Stupid pet tricks

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise. I also don’t own jolly ranchers.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4604

Shego caressing her pet.

Days off are so spanking now and they have been for a while. Cuddling all day and, well, other, deeper stuff. But, even better than that is being included on my master’s life. It’s like being beyond a pet, even though she still kind of insists that’s all I am. It’s always baby steps with her.

Shego groaned as the phone rang. She started reaching for the offending object to just shut it up. It was on the nightstand and she was in the bed because she had been sleeping before the stupid thing woke her up. She could not get to the phone unless she moved and she did not want to move because it was too much work and she would wake up Kim. She was rather envious of how knocked out the redhead was with the way she was sleeping through the phone ringing, although the bedroom phone was nowhere near as alarming as the living room phone. The pale woman inched over a little bit and finally grabbed hold of the phone.

“Yo,” Shego answered the phone in a groggy and annoyed tone.

“Are you sleeping?” Betty inquired in disbelief. She could tell from her friend’s tone that she was more than likely sleeping.


“It’s one in the afternoon,” the older woman pointed out.

“I was up till eight,” Shego informed her friend.

“Doing what?” Betty inquired incredulously without thinking. It seemed that she had forgotten whom it was that she was speaking to.


“I’d rather not. I’ll call back later when you’re up.”


The raven-haired woman hung up the phone before Betty could respond to that, but the one-eyed woman did not take offense to that action. Shego settled back into her fluffy pillow and pulled Kim closer to her. The redhead moaned a bit and draped an arm over Shego’s abdomen. The green-skinned female rubbed her pet’s shoulder and then went back to sleep.

Shego was taken from her sleep again because she felt movement against her. She glanced down and guessed that Kim was awake for the simple fact she could feel sweet, soft kisses on her ribs; it was not a bad thing to wake up to. She tapped Kim and the redhead turned to look up at her mistress. She smiled impishly at Shego.

“You’re unbelievably insatiable,” the emerald-eyed female commented. She really could not believe that her monster was still looking to go at it.

“Either you’re the most delicious thing ever created or I’m just trying to make up for lost time,” Kim replied.

“You’re lucky it’s my day off,” the raven-haired officer stated. The kid kept her up all night and morning and exhausted her with pleasure. It was the best way to be exhausted as far as she was concerned, but she was not about to say that to her little monster.

“Am I?” the redhead asked with a teasing smile on her face. She knew that Shego enjoyed the activity just as much as she did, but the pale woman had to act annoyed because she wanted to be the mature one.

“Yeah, you are. You’re also lucky I don’t feel like moving.”

“Oh! I’m in charge! I’m in charge!” Kim grinned widely.

“For the moment,” the older woman replied.

Kim pouted because of the addition, but she was quickly back to grinning because she was going to be in charge of the action. She continued to kiss her master’s ribs and Shego reached over to caress Kim’s breast. They were already nude because of everything that they had done last night and well into the morning. The super-powered officer blamed it all on Kim’s energy. The redheaded scholar seemed to be able to go on forever, especially when it came to physical intimacy.

Shego did not mind Kim’s enthusiasm. She did like being wanted so badly, but she had limits, which she never would have known if it was not for her vigorous pet. But, she had recharged her batteries with the six hours of rest in between, so she guessed that she was more than ready to go again.

The redhead moaned because of the attention that Shego was paying her body and then she huffed because she was supposed to be in charge. She moved and latched her mouth to the jade peak of Shego’s breast to regain some control over what was going on. The pale woman cried out as Kim played with the gem as if it was an apple jolly rancher. Her pet was very good at that, Shego thought with a clouded mind as Kim’s other hand moved to the neglected mound and paid it some attention before she moved her mouth to that hill and her hand continued to stimulate the mass that she had just left.

“Kim,” Shego moaned deeply as she held the petite hero’s head to her. She began panting as the homage continued.

Kim did not mind almost being smothered because she was used to it by now and hardly even noticed it. She just opened her mouth wider and worked harder while deciding on what she wanted to kiss next. Once her mistress’ grip loosened, she decided on going upward because she had not gotten a proper kiss when she woke up. Shego eagerly returned the kiss as soon as Kim started it and then her hand moved to Kim’s rump. She began kneading Kim’s fleshy behind.

The slender redhead climbed on top of Shego to deepen the kiss and to feel as much flesh on flesh as possible. The emerald-eyed female took that as an opportunity to reach between their bodies and she began to stroke Kim. The younger woman whined in protest and broke the kiss in order to complain.

“I’m in charge,” Kim reminded her owner while trying her best to not moan.

“The moment passed,” Shego replied as she applied a little more pressure to her touch. The hero made a sound that got stuck in her throat and she dropped her head on her owner’s chest.

“I’m in charge,” the redheaded scientist hissed.

“Prove it,” Shego retorted.

Kim smirked because of the challenge and then ground her hips into Shego’s, causing the pale woman to hiss. Their lower lips met in a sensuous kiss. The slender adventurer continued her actions while one of her hands went in search of some skin to occupy. Shego moaned deeply and tossed her head back. She just gave in. Kim was in charge and she always did an excellent job.

The phone rang and took Shego away for the light sleep that had been induced from over an hour of overriding, mind-numbing bliss. She weakly reached for the contemptible phone; once again, she tried not to move too much because she did not want to wake up Kim. She managed to grab the offending object and answered in her usual, pleasant fashion.

“Yo,” she practically grunted.

“Hey,” Betty replied.

“You again,” the pale woman groaned. Why would Betty not just let her sleep? Did she really need to talk that badly?

“Yeah, me again. What, are you still in bed?” the one-eyed woman inquired.

“Yeah,” the super-powered woman confirmed.

“Amazing. Who the hell is screwing you into the ground?”

“You’ll never believe it,” Shego answered while glancing down at the redhead resting on her chest. She felt that she was lucky that Kim was a featherweight because the kid did enjoy draping herself on her master.

“I’m afraid to find out now,” Betty commented. She was actually telling the truth. She never really liked finding out who, as crude as it might sound, Shego spread her legs for.

“I wouldn’t tell you over the phone anyway. I’d want to see your reaction to this one in person. So, what’s up?” the raven-haired woman inquired.

“Come over for dinner.”

“Oh, I get to pass judgment on the boyfriend?” the younger female guessed. She could not think of any other reason for her friend to be inviting her over for dinner.


“Things must be getting deep then. I’ll be there. I’m going to bring Princess,” she warned her one-eyed friend.

“I figured you would,” Betty replied. Shego had already told her that was going to happen when she first made the suggestion.

“All right. Should I bring anything?”

“Of course not. What the hell is wrong with you?” the older woman replied. As if she would let a guest bring anything to dinner. She was going to take care of everything.

“My brain is fried at the moment,” the pale woman answered. She did feel like she was lucky to even know who she was anymore with all of the action that she had been getting for the day.

“Well, crawl out from under or dismount whoever the hell you’re with and take a few minutes to let your brain get some oxygen because you’re bugging the fuck out.”


Betty hung up the phone at the same time as Shego did. The moss-hued officer glanced at the clock to see what time it was. She groaned, figuring that she had a good two hours to get herself and Kim ready for dinner with Betty and the grand boyfriend. Before she could do anything, she would have to wake Kim up and then they were going to have to make it out of bed. The latter part sounded like a mammoth-sized task with the way her little monster was acting that day.

“Kimmie,” Shego said while gently shaking her pet.

“Hmmm…” Kim moaned and just snuggled deeper into the natural cushion that her head was lying on.

“Kimmie,” the green-skinned officer said again.

“Hmm?” the redhead replied and it was clear that she was at least half-awake because her mouth was inching to the center of where her head was resting. Shego noticed where her pet was heading and she exhaled slowly to drive down the desire to just let Kim go to town on her breast yet again.

“No, bad Kimmie,” the pale woman reprimanded her little monster.

“No?” Kim echoed. Apparently that woke up her. Why no? They had the whole day off and nothing better to do. They had done it before on other days off, so why were they not doing it again?

“No, we’ve got to get up,” Shego informed the younger female.

“Why?” Kim whined. She had been so looking forward to lying in bed all day and just sexing her mistress into a coma.

“We’ve been invited to dinner and we need to get ready. Come on, get up,” the moss-hued woman ordered as she started to sit up. Her pet followed her, mostly to stay pressed against her.

“Hey, I have an idea,” the slim adventurer said.

“A bad one, undoubtedly,” the older female remarked.

“No, no, no. It’s a great idea and I should’ve thought of it a long time ago. Let’s take a shower together,” Kim suggested while wrapping her arms around her master. She gave a small squeeze of a hug, as if that would help her owner go along with the idea.

“No, Pumpkin. We’ve to get out of here in like two hours. We don’t have time to fool around anymore.”

“But, two hours is plenty of time and I like fooling around!” Kim griped.

“We’ll do it when we get back,” Shego replied.

“With chocolate syrup?” the redhead added with a hopeful smile.

Shego laughed; leave it to her pet to want to combine her two favorite things, sex and food. “You are a disgusting little thing,” she commented.

“You know you want to try it,” the petite hero countered with a teasing expression on her face.

The elder female smirked. “Yeah, we’ll try whatever you want if we get out of here on time,” she promised.

Kim grinned and she began moving to make sure that they got out of the apartment on time. She leaped out of the bed, not caring that she was stark naked. Her master had already seen every inch of her several times over. She went and grabbed some gear before charging to the bathroom. It seemed that she had forgotten about her plan of showering together.

Shego laughed again; at least she knew how to make her munchkin move. She was now anticipating the things that her pet would like to try later on. She enjoyed every time that Kim brought up something new to do because it was always an adventure.

“Are you coming or not?” Kim called. Evidently, she had not forgotten about taking a shower together.

“Hold your horses!” the pale woman replied as she finally got out of bed. Her body was still feeling a bit lethargic, but she was pretty sure that would change once she got to move around a bit.

Kim threw on an outfit that Shego picked out for her. The officer had picked out the clothing because her munchkin would have gone out in her usual clothing since they were just going to Betty’s house. Shego then made sure that Kim’s hair was presentable, even though the hero was trying to be difficult because she suddenly wanted to do her own hair. Kim’s idea of doing her own hair meant combing, brushing, and into a ponytail. Shego would have breathed fire on her little monster for such shenanigans at the moment.

The dinner was not just any dinner. The pale woman was going to see if Dahntay was the right man for her best friend. She wanted things to go smoothly, so she could make a proper assessment. Sure, she might not have had the best taste in men when it came to choosing them for herself, but she was pretty good at it when Betty found a guy.

The raven-haired female got herself together when she was done with her pet and they started out for Betty’s house. Kim played with a lock of her hair that was hanging in her face, which her mistress noticed. Shego wondered if her impish pet was doing that action out of nervousness since she had made the gathering seem like a big deal.

“You okay?” Shego asked her girl.

“Yeah, I just like the little curl,” Kim replied while showing her master the curl in her hair.

Shego shook her head and smiled. She really loved that loopy kid and the strange things that seemed to amuse the girl. The redhead just made her smile with almost everything that she did. She was such a great kid.

They arrived at Betty’s house in time and were ushered in by the one-eyed woman. Kim whistled loudly for Leonardo, but she was met by two other dogs instead. She yelped as they growled at her and then Leonardo charged by the pair of Lithuanian wolfhounds. The large canine leaped on Kim and knocked her right to the floor because of his size. Betty sighed at the sight as the redheaded girl began petting Leonardo.

“Could they be any more annoying?” Shego wondered aloud, referring to their pets.

“Let’s leave her with her peers. It’ll be less painful that way,” Betty remarked.

“Sounds like a good idea,” Shego concurred, even though all of her hard work was more than likely going to be undone by Leonardo.

The friends left Kim with the dogs and went to the living room. On the way, Shego saw that Betty had fixed up her place after it was practically ruined by her mother and brother’s visit not too long ago. Shego was not surprised that the house was already fixed because Betty got things done, she always had.

Dahntay “Falsetto” Jones was in the living room, watching a basketball game, but he turned it off when he noticed them. Shego had actually never seen a man turn off a sporting event before just because his woman and her friend entered the room. She was already starting to believe that she was going to have to give the guy a passing grade and he would be the only man that Betty ever dated to get a passing grade if he kept things up.

“Nice to meet you again, Shego,” he said in that high-pitch voice that just made her remember being blown up. It took a lot of inner strength for her to not cringe because of the thought.

“Like wise,” she replied as she reached over and shook his hand. “So, what do I call you now?” she inquired since he was supposedly on the straight and narrow.

“Dahntay will do. I heard you were bringing someone with you,” he commented because he did not see the extra person.

“Yeah, she’s on the floor getting attacked by the dogs,” the pale woman replied dismissively.

He laughed a little, as if he knew instinctively that it was no big deal. He figured that if it was a big deal, Betty and Shego would be helping instead of standing there with him. He started a conversation with the pale woman about old times surprisingly enough. She had no problem talking about her old vocation and comparing stats with him. They did evaluate each other, having a good time claiming who was the better thief. Betty decided to leave them alone since they seemed to be getting along.

The one-eyed woman did check on Kim to make sure the dogs were not getting rough with her. Kim did seem to be trying to get away from the dogs, not because they were being vicious or anything. She actually wanted to see what Betty’s boyfriend was like since she knew what kind of taste the woman had in men.

“You just don’t have any brains at all, do you?” Betty asked Kim, who only grinned sheepishly in return.

What a troublesome little creature, Betty thought in regards to the redhead as she went to set the table for dinner. Shego and Dahntay continued their talk. It seemed that he retired from being a thief at the same time that she did; apparently, helium was a life changing element. After that, they switched topics to the irony of their meeting again.

He thought that it was funny that Shego had actually known Betty all of her life. From what he remembered hearing about in rumors on Shego in the underworld, she should not even want to be near a law enforcer and yet, her best friend was one and now she was too. If nothing else was ironic, it was that to him.

“Bets seems to know how to catch me at the low points in my life,” the green-skinned officer remarked to explain why she was a law enforcement agent now.

“You’re lucky to have someone like her around,” Dahntay commented.

“She’s lucky to have me,” the raven-haired woman stated. Mentally, she conceded that they were just lucky to have each other.

“The hell I am!” Betty objected from the dining room.

“Where would you be without me?” Shego inquired.

“Happy,” the one-eyed woman answered.

“And in denial,” the pale woman added.

“Shut up and come eat,” Betty ordered.

“She certainly acts differently with you around,” Dahntay commented, speaking to Shego. He sounded more amused than shocked, which Shego took as a good thing.

“I bring out the worst in her, always have,” the emerald-eyed woman declared proudly with a smirk.

“And here it is I thought she was incorruptible. I can’t even litter when I’m walking down the street with her,” the chic male remarked with an amused smile.

Shego laughed a bit and they went to the table to eat. Kim managed to pull herself away from the dogs to make it to the table too. Shego shook her head when she caught sight of her pet. It really did not pay to fix that kid up, she thought while Kim just grinned sheepishly and then she noticed Dahntay. Oh, great, she looked like a complete idiot in front of someone that she did not know or notice, so now she was really embarrassed. Kim blushed almost a beet red.

“So, this is the person you brought with you, but left to the dogs?” Dahntay inquired, speaking to Shego.

“She likes being a chew toy, don’t you, Princess?” Betty teased the redhead.

“I was trying to get away, but nobody helped me,” Kim grumbled and she crossed her arms across her chest.

“But, can’t you do anything?” Shego now taunted her sulking pet.

“We’re just going to pick on me all night now, aren’t we?” the youngest female pouted.

“I suppose we could do that after the introductions, so Dahntay doesn’t feel left out or rude if he happens to join in,” the pale woman remarked.

Kim moped further, sinking into her chair. Shego then decided to see if Dahntay was as cool as he seemed to be. From what she heard about the guy from her obviously smitten friend, he was a good guy and she just wanted to make sure that he was totally comfortable with the weirdness that he would have to put up with in Betty’s life.

“Dahntay, this is my pet,” Shego informed the male. Kim was utterly shocked to be introduced as a pet. Usually, that was top secret information.

“Your pet?” he echoed in a curious tone.

“Yeah, she’s my pet. She’s got a cute collar, leash, toys and everything,” Shego confirmed.

Dahntay looked as confused as most people did to hear such news. A human pet? The kid did not seem to object to it, so he guessed that it was true. He did not see anything that indicated that she was a pet. There was no aforementioned collar or leash. But, then he guessed that she was a pet like most people would think a human was a pet. He figured that Kim was a submissive sexual partner.

The ladies waited for his reaction to see where he was going to go with the news. Would he call them freaks or perverts like her father, brother, and landlady had done? Would he totally freak out? He was unaware that his whole relationship actually depended on how he acted in the next ten seconds.

“So, what breed are you?” Dahntay asked Kim and that earned him a couple of chuckles, but the redhead was caught off guard.

“Huh?” Kim asked.

“Do you do any tricks?” he inquired as if he was serious.

“Only for her and most of them aren’t made for an audience,” the redhead remarked with a smile.

Dahntay laughed while Betty glanced at Shego, who waved her off for the moment. The one-eyed woman accepted that, but she was going to want an explanation soon. For the moment, she just assumed that the kid was being her usual perverted self and moved on. She started serving dinner.

“So, how’d you end up being a pet?” Dahntay asked Kim curiously. From her answer, he assumed that she had pretty much confirmed that she was submissive sexual partner for Shego, which he really did not think there was anything wrong with. He thought that it was a little odd that they were so open with it, but that did not really bother him.

“Well, she found me in a box and I was really beaten up. She nursed me back to health and then offered me the job,” Kim explained as if it was nothing. She might have gone into a bit more detail if she knew what he thought she meant by “pet,” but then again, she probably would not care. The most that she probably would have offered up was that there was nothing submissive about her when in came to carnal pleasure.

“I was trying to get rid of her. The little mooch wouldn’t leave after I fed her,” Shego grumbled.

“Well, you know what they say about feeding stray cats,” Kim joked and grinned.

“Yeah, well, I’ve learned my lesson. The next kid I find in a box is getting duct taped in there,” the pale woman commented.

“Don’t think you you’re being hard on your little kitten? I bet you think she’s adorable when no one’s watching,” Dahntay teased Shego.

“As if I would think such a lazy brat is adorable,” the green-skinned woman humph-ed.

Dahntay chuckled, as if he knew already that Shego was putting on an act. He was a friendly fellow throughout dinner, even with his annoying voice and all. Shego noted that he made her pet laugh a lot, which actually did not bother her for once. He seemed like a very charming guy and was not intimidated by the fact that he was dating an independent, strong woman with a weird best friend who had an even weirder pet. He seemed extremely comfortable around all of them.

The most important thing was that he was being straight up with Betty and Shego could tell that. The way he looked at Betty throughout the night, it seemed that Betty was not the only one who was smitten in their relationship. Sometimes, he would just smile thoughtfully at the one-eyed woman while in a daze.

They watched a movie after dinner and Dahntay curled up on the sofa with Betty while Shego took the loveseat with Kim. The pale woman noted how Dahntay held her friend while they were close and how content they were resting next to each other. She did not pay too much attention to them after she noticed that Kim was discreetly rubbing her head against Shego’s arm. It seemed that just sitting on a couch made the redhead want to get petted and Shego obliged. Dahntay noticed the caressing, but did not say anything because no one else seemed to think anything of it. He went back to focusing on the wonderful woman in his grip, although he did consider that maybe he had been wrong about Kim being the type of pet that he guessed. Maybe she was actually a pet.

“So, what do you think?” Betty asked Shego as she walked the pale woman and her little monster to the door at the end of the night.

“Do you think you could tattoo ‘Property of Betty Director’ across his forehead?” Shego countered.

“I’ll look into it. Call me later,” Betty replied.

“Do I really want to tell you that over the phone?” Shego mused aloud because she knew her friend was still curious about Kim’s little trick comment.

“I think it’s something I’d rather hear over the phone,” the older female answered.

Shego shrugged. Maybe it would be better to tell her that over the phone. Yes, she would not be able to see Betty’s priceless reaction, but she would be able to hang up if the chocolate-haired female started going off. Yeah, maybe over the phone was the way to go.

The pair went back home, having had an enjoyable evening. Kim was glad to be included, of course, which she said to her mistress and the green-skinned female only smiled at her. She figured that she needed to start including her pet in her life. Of course, she now wanted to be included in Kim’s life and she would not mind Kim dragging her places or including her in things, even if Shego still thought of them in terms of master and pet. They arrived home and went right back to what they were doing earlier…with chocolate syrup that time around.

Next time: you won’t believe what follows Kim home.

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