The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Twenty-two

Hell hath no fury


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TITLE: Hell hath no fury

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4611

Shego caressing her pet.

Life is good now. Everything seems to be in order. I have my master all to myself, I’ve got a decent, enjoyable career, my school work is going fine, and I’m still able to do the save-the-world thing. Yeah, everything is in order and life is good. I can rest easy now.

Shego yawned as she walked to the front door to probably kill whoever it was that was ringing her bell. When the noise had first pulled her from her sleep, her first thought had been that her pet was doing something irksome; that was always her first assumption when something got on her nerves and she did not know what it was. But, that was not the case since Kim was knocked out right next to her. She went to the door and opened it to see that it was her landlady that was being so inconsiderate and bothering her at some ungodly hour on a day that she did not have work. Damn, the pale female really just hated that woman now.

“What?” Shego demanded to know in an extremely harsh tone while leaning in the doorway. She was very tempted to just deck the irksome woman and be rid of her, but she would wait to see what Miss Crocket wanted. There was the slim chance that she might actually care what the brown-haired woman had to say; a very, very almost unfathomably tiny chance.

“Look, I suppose that you and I didn’t get off on the right foot,” the Texan commented in a voice that made it seem like she was getting her teeth pulled. It was almost apparent that she did not wish to make such a statement.

“No shit,” the pale woman concurred. She was still feeling that urge to just punch the older woman in the mouth if she had taken her from a good sleep to state the obvious. She was going to give the landlord a couple of more sentences before seeing if she should control herself or if she should just clock Miss Crocket and go back to bed.

“You make it very hard to be polite, darling,” the blue-eyed woman remarked. Once again, she was stating the obvious.

“Yeah, I do try. Don’t call me ‘darling’ like we’re friends or something, either. Now, what the hell do you want? It’s like seven in the fucking morning,” Shego pointed out and it really was.

“I’m trying to make a truce,” the landlady stated.

The moss-hued woman rolled her eyes to show her disbelief and the fact that she did not care. “Whatever,” she grumbled and she was about to shut the door in the woman’s face, but then something occurred to her. “You pissed her off, didn’t you?” she asked the building owner.

“What? Who?” Miss Crocket pretended to not know what Shego was going on about.

“You pissed off my mother, didn’t you?” the green-skinned woman inquired in an almost amused tone.

If it was later in the day, the emerald-eyed officer would have found the situation thoroughly entertaining. She might have even laughed if it was later in the day. She understood that there had to be a reason why the brunette woman was trying to call a truce with her and the first thing that came to mind was that Miss Crocket had done something to feel her mother’s monster bite.

Shego knew all too well how frightening it was to truly anger her mother. She had only incurred her mother’s full wrath once, but that was enough. She had totally overstepped her bounds, which was odd considering how tolerant Isabel tended to be with her precious daughter. She just recalled saying something that was later decided to be “out of her face” and then she woke up in her bed two days later. Her mother had actually knocked her unconscious for two whole days and she had been fifteen. She never admitted it, but after that, she tried her best to never truly vex her mother. She took that lesson to heart.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Miss Crocket insisted, as if her sudden change was of her own accord.

“No, no, no. You pissed her off. That’s the only reason you’d be here trying to call a truce, hoping that I can call her dogs off. They’re her dogs, not mine. She’s making your life hell, isn’t she?” Shego asked with a taunting smirk on her face. Such news made getting up so early just a little worth it, but she would still rather be sleeping.

The raven-haired woman could not help wondering what circle of Hell her mother was putting Miss Crocket through. Her mother had a lot of pull in many areas, being versatile when it came to living. Her mother also had a mean-streak in her and powers to abuse when she was upset; she was a dangerous woman in many ways. It could not be fun to be on her bad side; the officer knew that from first hand experience, of course. She would not be surprised if Miss Crocket woke up one day with a horse head in her bed. As far as she was concerned, her mother could be the fucking devil if pushed enough; although she doubted that the little Texan pushed Isabel that far.

“Look, I’m just trying to apologize and call a truce,” the brunette female persisted.

“Because you want whatever my mother is doing to you to stop. I can’t help you in that area. You might want to call a truce with her,” Shego suggested.

The pale female was actually lying. She could always call her mother and say that everything was all right now between her and Miss Crocket and Isabel would go about her business. But, Shego did not feel like disclosing that bit of information and felt that since her mother had taken on the task of torturing Miss Crocket, then who was she to stand in the way? It was her mother’s business now.

“You’re an impossible person, do you know that? Here I am attempting to make an effort—” Miss Crocket was about to argue, but she was cut off.

“I’d appreciate it more if you made an effort to leave me the hell alone,” the green-skinned woman commented.


“Goodbye,” Shego said and she slammed the door in her landlady’s face. She would leave Miss Crocket to whatever fate that her mother had concocted for the older woman.

The officer returned to her bed, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep. She eased down to the mattress, gathered her still knocked-out munchkin in her arms, and went back to sleep. She considered that maybe one day she would give her mother a call and tell her to stop wasting her time bothering that annoying, noisy female. Maybe.

Shego glanced at the phone as it rang. Kim shot up because of the loud, bloodcurdling noise; she had, of course, been sleeping. They were on the sofa, just relaxing on their day off; Kim was glad that the day had finally come because she needed an excuse to not take Wade’s calls because he had put her to work that week. With the way the week had gone, the redhead would not have been surprised if someone tried to strap a plow to her and just put her to work in a field, so she needed a little rest. Kim had fallen asleep because her master had been caressing her scalp while reading a book. All of that was brought to an end by the phone ringing. Shego answered it against her better judgment; nothing good ever happened when she answered the house phone.

“Yo,” the pale woman greeted her caller.

“Shego, please, I’m begging you to stop! I’m sorry!” Junior practically wept into the phone as if she was holding his favorite toy hostage.

“Junior?” Shego asked in a confused tone, which got her pet’s attention.

Kim looked at her mistress for an explanation, which Shego did not have at the moment and really did not want; she only desired to get off of the phone with the big crybaby. The emerald-eyed woman reached over and rubbed her monster’s head to assure her that the call was nothing. As far as the older female was concerned, it was nothing because she had no idea what Junior was ranting about. She had not even thought about him since she last saw him and had literally thrown him out of her life.

“Please!” Junior wailed into the phone, only perplexing her more so than before.

“Junior, what the hell are you going on about? I’m not doing anything to you,” the green-skinned female pointed out. It seemed that her mother was just going above and beyond if Junior was now having problems that he thought were her fault; Isabel must be bored, she thought. She assumed that her mother was doing things because of how distressed he sounded; only her mother could make someone feel such immediate agony.

“I can’t buy anything anymore! All of my credit cards don’t work! I’m sorry, now fix it!” he begged.

Shego craned an onyx eyebrow; her mother was really busy if she was getting credit cards shut down. She wondered why the middle-aged woman was attacking Junior so harshly, though; she guessed it was her mother because no one else would make a person’s life worse than Hell on Earth for her. But, Junior was helpless and clueless; he was not even a challenge. Doing something to him was like kicking a puppy. She did not see why her mother was even wasting the time and effort to hurt him, but then again, she did not see why her mother did a lot of things.

She also did not see why Junior knew to call her because of the trouble that he was going through. She supposed that her mother left him some kind of clue to let him know that a Gooding female was harassing him, but he assumed that it was the wrong Gooding woman. She then wondered what kind of obvious clue her mother could have left for a simpleton like Junior. She really did not care to find out; she just wanted him to leave her alone.

“Junior, calm down and stop crying. Geez, you’re a grown ass man. Now, I’ll fix it,” she informed him. She would fix the mess if only to get him out of her hair. She also made a mental note to change her phone number soon, so that he no longer had it; she did not know how he got it in the first place.

“Please!” he implored her; he was actually weeping into the phone.

“All right. I’ll call you back in a little while,” Shego said and she disconnected the call. She was so disgusted by his behavior. An evil little voice in the back of her mind was mocking her by asking wasn’t she happy that she never slept with him? She ignored the irksome voice.

“What happened?” Kim asked curiously. She did not like that Junior had the nerve to call the house. Shego was hers now and he had better back off. She would fight for her mistress now because Shego had all but admitted in words that she only wanted Kim.

“My mother’s rattling Junior’s cage,” the elder female replied with a tired sigh.

“Why?” the redhead inquired.

“Because she obviously needs a fucking job,” Shego remarked.

“Huh?” the younger female asked in a confused tone.

“She apparently doesn’t have anything better to do with her time if she’s tormenting Junior,” the officer replied as she dialed up her mother.

“I still don’t get it,” Kim admitted.

“You don’t have to. Just go back to sleep,” the emerald-eyed woman suggested.

The slim hero did not comply; she was very curious about what was going on and she wanted to get some information on what was happening. She mostly wanted to make sure that Junior was not trying to make a reentry into her master’s life. She was not about to allow him to do that.

Shego waited for her mother to answer her phone. It seemed that her mother was having too much fun to even answer her cell because it just continued to ring. The odd thing was that her voicemail did not pick up.

“Hello,” Isabel practically chirped by the time she answered.

“It’s about time,” Shego huffed while wondering if her mother killed someone from the mood that she was in. She probably devoured someone’s soul, the pale female thought to amuse herself.

“Sweetie, you sound upset,” Isabel commented.

“What the hell are you doing to have your phone ringing for that long?” Shego practically demanded to know; it was evident that she was forgetting whom it was that she was speaking with.

“Getting a bit personal, firefly,” the mother replied in a light tone. It seemed that her child’s attitude would not bring her down. She silently admitted that she disliked it when her daughter tried to make inquires on her behavior as if she was not the elder of the two of them, as if she was not the mother.

Shego frowned; it was an automatic reaction to when her mother used that irritating nickname. “Don’t call me that,” she growled.

“Fine. What can I do for you?”

“Stop harassing Senor Senior Junior,” Shego stated.

“What? Why should I?” Isabel inquired as if she did not comprehend the request and really she did not. It did not make any sense to her for her daughter to ask such a thing of her.

“Because I don’t want him calling me and crying into my phone while I’m trying to relax. I get one stinking day off and I’d like to enjoy it,” the daughter replied in a plain tone.

Isabel was quiet for a moment, much longer than her daughter liked; it was as if she was considering the reason that had been given. Isabel was thinking about all of the information that she had gained when she decided to start in on Junior. She then decided that she had to ask.

“Were you in a relationship with that boy?” the middle-aged martial artist asked her hotheaded daughter.

“What? No! We were just hanging out,” Shego answered in earnest while being thankful that they were talking over the phone, lest her mother bear witness her look of sheer horror.

“How deeply?” Isabel inquired.

Oh, the tales that the older woman had heard about her daughter and that rich, spoiled brat. Most of which she dismissed as rumors and such, but they all did have a central theme to them involving her daughter being more than friends with Junior. It disturbed her slightly to think that her beloved child might be involved with that empty-headed oaf. Her daughter had atrocious, just all around ghastly taste in men, but she thankfully had excellent taste in women.

“Mommy!” Shego huffed.

“Why are you getting so defensive? Do you have any idea what that boy’s father was planning to do to you? I merely struck his boy before he could strike my little firefly,” Isabel defended her actions.

Her connections had let her in on what Senor Senior Senior had planned for her daughter and the notion that he thought that he could touch her daughter enraged her. He had been looking to get her child fired and he was planning to help get her thrown out of her condo. He thought that he would be able to have her daughter on the street and penniless, but he had no idea how quickly she could snap when her children were targets. So, he had gone to bite her daughter, but she bit his son first. If he did not take the hint, she would also bite him. No one was allowed to touch her children without her permission, her daughter especially.

“Damn it, Mommy, and you seriously wonder why I don’t talk to you. Stop calling me that. Now, I was prepared for them to strike. I mean, I did throw the kid into a freaking wall. I was ready for them,” Shego argued.

The moss-hued woman knew that it would have been stupid to assume that she could just get away with throwing a spoiled, billionaire brat into a wall. She knew that he or his father would attempt to get her back and she had been waiting for them. She had the situation well in hand as far as she was concerned.

“Well, then, we have a backup plan since you obviously have ideas,” her mother commented.

“Mommy, I really don’t want Junior calling me and whining into the phone that he can’t buy shit anymore. I don’t really give two damns about him and I just want to forget that he exists,” the younger woman explained.

Isabel was quiet again. She had little interest in backing down now that she had something going to get back at Junior. She did not like Junior first of all because she had been told that it appeared that he was in a relationship with her daughter. Isabel did not like the idea of anyone possibly disrupting her child’s relationship with Kim, even if they just claimed that it was a pet/master relationship. She could see what they were, undoubtedly better than her own daughter could see, so she really did not want anyone near Shego that might ruin what the green-skinned female had with her little monster.

“I don’t like that boy,” Isabel bluntly stated as her reason for why she was working on the muscular young man.

“That makes three of us,” Shego commented while glancing down at her pet, who was listening to at least one side of the conversation.

“I don’t like what his father had planned,” the mother added matter-of-factly.

“Then get back at his father. Just save me the damn headache. You have no idea how annoying he is,” the super-powered female stated.

The middle-aged woman sighed. “Fine, I guess he’s suffered enough for one week. Are you sure he doesn’t mean something to you?” she inquired just to be sure.

“He doesn’t,” Shego soundly insisted. “Why the hell would you say something so stupid?”

“I’m only asking. You don’t usually stand up for people, especially people that seem to have it out for you.”

“I just don’t want him calling me, whining because you’re making his life the equivalent to the ninth circle of Hell. If you want to keep it up, I’ll be glad to give him your number for him to cry his worthless apologies to you,” Shego declared.

“I’m starting to see your point. Fine, I’ll leave him alone and make sure that his father doesn’t do anything moronic. Has your landlady apologized yet?” Isabel asked curiously. She was enjoying tearing into that bothersome bitch and she doubted that she would stop anytime soon, even if the woman had apologized.

“Yeah, but I don’t care,” Shego informed her mother.

“Good to know. Tell Princess I say hello.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

The mother and daughter hung up on each other without a farewell even considered. Kim was about to start asking questions again, but Shego started dialing another number. The redhead pouted; she wanted some attention now.

“Yeah, Junior. Stop crying, damn it. You should be fine by tomorrow,” the raven-haired female reported.

“Thank—” Junior was cut off before could get the rest of his phrase out because the pale woman hung up the phone. She did not need his gratitude.

“Um…what just happened?” the slender adventurer asked curiously.

“Why are you so damn nosy?” Shego countered.

The redhead shrugged. “It’s my science-y side,” she guessed.

The emerald-eyed female smiled a bit; only her dear brat could make her smile for no good reason. She caressed Kim’s scalp again and decided to explain everything that was going on. The petite hero smiled because she was being included; in the past, Shego would have just told her that it was none of her business and moved on.

“Your mother is funny,” the slender scholar commented after hearing the whole story.

“Whatever. She’s about as funny as the end of the world. She should know I can handle myself. She needs to mind her own damn business,” the super-powered officer stated firmly.

“It’s nice that she wants to help,” Kim retorted. She thought that her mistress should be thankful for a mother that seemed to care about her so much, even though from some of the stories that she had heard, she could understand why her master was at odds with Isabel.

“No, it’s not,” the raven-haired woman replied and she thumped her pet in the nose for disagreeing with her.

“Ow!” Kim cried and she covered her nose. “Okay, it’s not nice,” she concurred.

“You’d better believe it.”

The lounging redhead did not argue and slowly removed her hands from her face, hoping that she would not get hit again. Once she was certain that she was safe, she flopped back down into her mistress’s lap. She curled up into Shego’s abdomen and easily went back to sleep; she knew that she had best rest up while she could with the way she had been running around lately. Shego went back to her reading.

The pale woman wondered if Kim switched places with Junior and found herself being tortured in such a way, would she call Shego and whine about it like he did. Kim as a pet would more than likely bawl her eyes out, but if Kim was in Junior’s place, she would not be a pet. She wondered if Kim would just counterattack in his place. She was willing to bet that her girl would fight back to the best of her ability and as she thought about that, she caressed the redhead’s cheek.

“I just realized that’s one of the things I like about you,” Shego whispered.

(New day)

Kim’s Kimmunicator was going off. She wanted to answer it because it could have been an important call on several levels since the Kimmunicator was her private and “business” line. She just doubted that the thugs that she was battling with at the moment would stop for a moment to let her at least see who it was that was attempting to get into contact with her. It was worth a shot, though.

“Um, do you think you could just let me answer this?” Kim requested as she blocked four fists at once that were coming at her.

“Shut up!” one of the five large men ordered her.

The slender hero was currently on a pier; it was a dark and foggy night, like something out of an old detective movie. She was attempting to get back some stolen goods that the perpetrators did not seem to want to part with at the moment and, to top things off, she had come across a smuggling ring; it was a long day for her to say the least. She had been having a few long days and right now, she just wanted to answer the Kimmunicator and then after that, she just wanted to go home and sleep in Shego’s lap for the rest of the night. She suspected that she would need to soak in a hot bath for a long time too because the thugs that she had faced seemed to be coming in unending waves, so she was undoubtedly going to be sore at the very least tomorrow.

Kim sprang into action and dropped the five men that she was handling at the moment. She was going to answer her communication device, but it ceased beeping and she did not have time to answer it anyway. As soon as she took out that one group, another charged in out of the shadows to attack her.

“You guys are like roaches,” the redheaded hero commented as she dashed at the new group of assailants. “And I wish someone would turn the lights on to get you to go away,” she added.

Kim was swamped with foes, but she managed to get through it all and the cops showed up to handle the rest of the work when she was done. She was left sweaty and rather exhausted from the huge battle. She decided to check her messages, considering her master might be concerned about her since she was so late. She saw that, yes, her mistress has called her, several times in fact, but the number that caught her eye was not home. Well, it was not her current home anyway; it was her childhood home. She was curious as to who called her, so she quickly called back as she was making her way back home.

“Hey, Kimmie,” her mother answered the call.

“Hey, Mom. Was someone trying to call me earlier?” Kim inquired.

“I was,” the neurosurgeon informed her daughter.

“Oh, okay. So, what’s up?”

“Well, first off, are you all right?” her mother asked with the usual motherly concern.

“Yeah, totally fine. Sorry it took me so long to call you back. I was in the middle of a mission that just wouldn’t end,” Kim explained.

“It’s quite all right. I thought calling at this hour, you’d be home already. I wanted to know if you’re going to come home for the Fourth of July weekend,” her mother stated her reason for calling.

“Right, I can totally do that. Um…what day is it now?” Kim asked curiously.

“Oh, Kimmie. Are you still serious?” her mother inquired with a bit of a sigh. She knew that her daughter was actually a bit “scatter-brained” when it came to normal things. Kim was good to go when it came to doing the extraordinary, but the ordinary still seemed to be a mystery to her.

Kim blushed a bit; she had never been good with days of the week since she was about ten years old. It was then that days began to run together or lose importance because she had other things to work on, like collecting tadpoles, dissecting frogs, and occasionally building mechanical devices. Time to her became boiled down to daytime and nighttime, even before she became a globetrotter.

“I’m sorry, Mom. Days still just run together with me,” the younger redhead replied in a sheepish tone.

Part of the young hero could not help being embarrassed by her quarks, even though she took pride in them too. It was just that she knew her oddities made her parents worried about her. Sometimes, she even though that her strangeness made her parents disappointed in her.

“It’s this weekend, Kimmie,” Doctor Possible said.

“Okay, I’ll be there,” Kim confirmed, even though it was a surprise to her that the Fourth of July was so close. As far as she knew though, she did not have anything scheduled and she would try to keep things that way in order to make it to her parents’ house.

“Are you going to bring someone?” her mother asked curiously.

“Hmmm…” Kim thought on that question. Would Shego go with her to her parents’ house? Would her master agree to meeting her family, staying her family, and interacting with her family? She guessed that she would find out soon because she was going to ask Shego to join her.

Next time: Kim tries to convince Shego to go with her to meet the Possibles. That should be fun.

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