The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Thirty-eight

Serpent hater


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TITLE: Serpent hater

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

I don’t own Frogger either.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4522

Shego caressing her pet.

You know, in my short life, I’ve seen and been a part of a lot of things that don’t make much sense. Hey, I’m a person’s pet and that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people. So, it’s hard to surprise or shock me, but I still do wonder “what the hell?” quite a bit. Because seriously, just what the hell do some people think they’re doing? How the hell do certain things make sense to anyone? I mean, first the monkey-grasshoppers and now this.

“What the hell?” Kim muttered in sheer disbelief as she spotted what her mistress had already noticed, a feathered serpent flew through the village. “Quetzalcoatl(1)?” she thought to amuse herself. Although she had always figured Quetzalcoatl would be bigger.

“Princess,” Shego called from several yards away. The redhead had been on her way to the clinic, but she was now delayed.

“I see it,” the petite hero replied, knowing that she was being paged because of the flying snake.

“What the hell?” Shego said as she walked over to her pet. She thought that her pet might know something about what was going on since Kim spent so much time in the village.

“I really don’t know,” Kim admitted with a shrug. “Do you see anymore?” she asked while looking around for more flying serpents.

“No,” the pale woman answered while scanning the area.

“I wonder what’s going on.”

“Is it usually this exciting around here?” the elder female asked as a joke.

“Typically, no,” the slender adventurer answered. It was usually such a quiet little village. Things got exciting usually if someone caught a big fish or something similar to that.

“I feel special that it’s happening while I’m here,” the moss-hued officer remarked dryly.

The pair remained on guard for a few minutes, but they did not see anymore feathered snakes. They decided to dismiss the issue for the moment, until something else happened anyway. Kim went back to work in the clinic and Shego went back to relaxing with Rosa. They did keep an eye out for any strange circumstances and they were not let down.

The redhead had come out of the clinic at lunchtime to play soccer with some of the children. It was an adventurous game again since Big Mike came back to play as goalie. Kim still had some fancy moves to show off, even though she knew that the only way she would be able to make a goal was to kick the ball through Big Mike’s abdomen. She was not even looking to see if she could hurt him with the ball, so she was not going to attempt kick it through him.

The group playing soccer was having a good time, even though Doctor Lurkin interrupted them a few times looking for Gil. No one had seen Gil, just as before. But, he seemed so worried about the young man that Kim volunteered to help him locate the missing graduate student. When Kim was walking away from the game, everyone else pouted because now they had to rearrange everything to make things even. The game was not as fun when she was not playing.

The slim hero did not make it far from the “football field” before she was hit with some dark green slime. She was knocked back and stuck to a tree by the foul-smelling mess. She grunted on impact and then looked up to see what just happened. She spotted an amphibian creature belching a sticky projectile at everyone.

“Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Kim demanded to know while attempting to pull herself free of the goo that was covering her.

“I’m making everyone see the light,” the creature answered in a familiar voice.

“What are you even talking about? Who are you?” she inquired in a forceful, but curious tone.

“I am Gill!” he declared proudly while continuing to trap people with his muck. He was planning to catch the whole village and he was doing a good job of it.

“Gil Moss?” Doctor Lurkin inquired.

“That’s right, but with another ‘l’,” the monster confirmed.

“Well, at least we found him,” Kim muttered. She did not seem too worried about being stuck to a tree, even though it did feel rather gross.

Gill eventually slimed most of the people that were outside, including any children that were out there. Shego hurried Rosa and Maddie into their home the second that she noticed what was going on; she had to run and retrieve Maddie from near the clinic before getting her to safety. Once the mother and daughter were safe, Shego sneaked out of the house to access the situation to decide just how she was going to make Gill regret his actions without him noticing her. No one just slimed her little monster and got away with it.

“Gil, why are you doing this?” Doctor Lurkin inquired; he was bound just like everyone else. He was stuck to the wall of a house. He would agree with Kim that the substance was gross, touching his skin as it was; it was like swamp mud mixed with glue.

“Why? Because I’m sick of her!” Gill proclaimed while pointing a now clawed finger at the Kim.

“Me?” the redhead asked in a puzzle tone. How in the hell was he sick of her when she had only just met the guy and they had not even spent five minutes together?

“Yes, you!” Gill said and he continued to point a threatening claw at the petite hero.

Shego did not like the looks of all of the pointing and she sprang into action without a plan, which was atypical of her. She dashed over to the young man/monster and kicked him away from her darling pet. She commanded him to stay away from her girl while he hit the dirt; her exact words were “my girl.” Luckily, because of all of the excitement going on, no one noticed. She could have always said “my pet” and really raised some eyebrows.

“Shego!” Kim grinned as soon as her mistress appeared. Well, she guessed that she did not have to do anything except relax and let her owner take care of everything. It was not like she needed to save the day or anything like that, so she would leave things to her master.

“I’ll take care of this little bastard and then get you out,” Shego told her munchkin.

“Okay,” Kim agreed. She would have shrugged if she could move her shoulders. She supposed that it would be a bad pet thing to point out that Shego was treating her like she could not do anything, so she did not say anything.

“What the hell is your problem?” Shego asked Gill since he obviously seemed to think that he had some burden and he had to take his frustration out on innocent villagers.

“Kim Possible is my problem. I’m sick of everybody acting like she’s so damn great. She’s just a busybody bitch. I’m just as good as she is, but has anybody recognized my genius? Given me my doctorate? My research is way better than hers,” Gill proclaimed as he climbed to his feet. “I mean, look at me,” he said.

“So, what you’re saying is you did that to yourself?” Shego asked. She would not believe it, even if he affirmed it. Who the hell would do that to himself and on purpose? After all, he was a big frog-thing.

“Yes! I did this to myself to prove that I’m better than her,” Gill answered.

“By turning yourself into a big mutant fish-frog?” the pale woman inquired in a bewildered tone. She did not see any intelligence in that move. She knew that her girl would never do anything so stupid and pointless in the name of science or to be recognized.

“Yes! I mean, this is totally brilliant! Much better than her stupid antivenin.”

“So, your mutation saves lives?” Shego guessed. She really was looking to gain some understanding as to why anyone would want to be a big toad.

“Oh, does it make you immune to snake bites, like cobras are?” Kim asked enthusiastically.

“No,” Gill replied and that deflated the slim redhead.

“Oh, what about give you toxins like some toads and frogs?” Kim inquired with a bit of energy. Amphibians were not as great as snakes to her, but if he confirmed that, she would think it was very cool.

“No,” he answered, which deflated the slender adventurer more. Really, what was the point of him being some huge frog if he was not immune to poison or poisonous himself? What a waste of science.

“So, what you’re saying is your just some projectile vomiting fish-frog with no realistic purpose whatsoever,” the green-skinned female reasoned.

“No! I’m cool! I’m the greatest scientist ever and I’ll show everyone,” Gill proclaimed with a diabolical laugh.

“Seems like the typical mad scientist to me,” the officer muttered.

Shego decided that she had enough of the mutant lunatic. She tried to attack him, but he kept her at bay with his sticky spit. He did not hit her, but she could not get near him. Shego got aggravated with how everything was not going her way and she ignited her hands. Gill gasped in fear for a moment because he had never witnessed such a thing before. He then got over his panic and went back to flinging his disgusting glop of spit in her direction.

The raven-haired officer was now unfazed by the monotonous attack because she was able to burn most of it away before it touched her. “Hey, science geek, don’t you know anything about plasma?” she taunted the young man/monster since he continued to spit at her.

“I’ll get you yet,” he stated with confidence.

“You see, plasma is hot as Hell,” Shego commented.

Gill growled in anger as the pale woman continued to melt his spit. He started backing away as she came closer, but he was not fast enough to escape the well-trained martial artist. She was on him in a flash and she kicked him in the chest as her first assault. He grunted in pain when the blow landed and he flew several yards away from her. He hit the ground hard like a rock and coughed in agony.

“Be careful with my boy,” Doctor Lurkin pled with the green-skinned female.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. If he didn’t want to get hurt, he wouldn’t have turned himself into a deranged fish-frog,” Shego replied flippantly. She was not looking to take it easy on someone not only looking to harm her munchkin, but also mock the work that Kim did. His actions were unforgivable.

Gill stood up and charged Shego in a rage. It seemed that he did not like being dropped by a woman and while transforming himself into some freak fish, it did not help him gain intelligence. He went at her again and it was clear that he was probably a street fighter, but that did not mean anything to her since she had handled street fighters all her life. She easily dropped him a second time with one well placed punch.

Gill spit out some blood as he dropped to the dirt. He then did something that might have been impressive if anyone liked Gill anymore; he turned invisible. Shego did not seem intimidated by the ability, even though she could not see her opponent anymore.

“You’re only making this harder on yourself,” Shego informed Gill, whenever he was.

“I don’t think so,” the mutant replied.

Shego shook her head; he really was not the brightest freak of science that she had ever met. She could tell that he was behind her from his voice, not to mention the sickening smell that came along with him, and she kicked at the air; or so it seemed to those watching. Gill grunted and his camouflage slipped a bit. She went at him again while he was visible and she did not let up. He dropped after less than a minute of being punched around.

“Way to go, Shego!” Kim cheered and she surprised her mistress by embracing her from behind.

“What the hell? How’d you get free?” Shego inquired. She could have sworn that her pet was still bound to the tree.

“Pocket knife,” Kim answered while holding up the aforementioned weapon. She never left home without one.

“How long have you been loose?” the pale woman inquired in a suspicious tone.

“I just got free,” the redhead replied. She had taken her time because she could tell that her master had everything well in hand.

“All right. Go get something to hold this idiot,” Shego ordered while nodding toward the fallen mutant.

Kim saluted and ran off while her mistress made sure that Gill did not move. He was too hurt to do much and Kim quickly returned with ropes to bind the young man. While Shego wrapped the mutant up nice and tight, Kim started cutting people free from the slime that Gill had covered everyone in. Shego joined in when she was done with fish-boy and she burned through the muck to free folks a bit faster than what Kim was doing with the pocket knife. Before long, everyone was free and Doctor Lurkin was trying to protect his stepson from a lot of furious people. They were not listening to anything from the blonde doctor until Big Mike and Kim stepped in to protect Gill also.

Doctor Lurkin decided to leave the village early to get Gil some help and return him to his normal body. Gil spent his time being tied up and raving about how he was better than Kim and his transformation proved that. He declared that his mutation formula worked, not only on humans, but insects and reptiles as well; it appeared that he was the one that changed the grasshoppers into furry creatures and the snakes into feathered dragons. Once he stated those facts, Kim wanted to know if he was the one that burglarized Professor Akari’s place.

“I heard he was doing some research similar to mine. I wanted to see how far along he was in his thoughts. He didn’t get anywhere compared to me. Nothing. See, I’m brilliant!” Gill proclaimed and he laughed.

“Okay, mystery solved. Can you get Frogger out of here,” Shego said to the kid’s stepfather.

Doctor Lurkin and Gill left the village a day before Shego did. The pale woman would have stayed the full two weeks with her pet, but when she called Betty to use some more vacation time, the one-eyed woman was not trying to hear that. She ordered that Shego get her pasty green ass back to work; it was her way of saying that the idiots at the department were screwing up and she needed someone competent around before she went mad.

“You two take good care of my little monster,” Shego said to Rosa and Maddie as she was getting ready to leave.

“We will,” Maddie promised with a grin.

“Don’t be scared to pop her on the nose if she acts out,” Shego added.

“We will!” Maddie once again vowed.

“And you be good,” Shego ordered Kim.

“I will. Are you sure you don’t want to walk with you back to the city?” the redhead asked.

“I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl and you have a job that you need to do. Just be good,” the pale woman replied.

Kim nodded and she latched onto Shego in a crushing embrace. Shego grunted and then Kim kissed her deeply. Shego accepted it, even though she was against such public displays of affection. She then rubbed the top of Kim’s head before setting out to catch her flight; she had a long, lonely walk ahead of her.

Shego returned home with the knowledge that she was going to be alone for a week. It was not the same as the other times that she had been without her pet for extended periods of time. Before she did not know if or when her munchkin was returning, but now, she was aware of the exact day and time. Hey, she could even go pick her girl up if she could get off work earlier. So, she was more all right with being alone in the apartment than she had been for the past four years.

The pale woman spent her week alone not doing much. She did some reading and messed up Kim’s Rubix cube while trying to see why her pet liked it so much; the cube had somehow ended up in her bag and she found it when she was unpacking. She could not figure out the mystery of the cube and she quickly lost interest in it.

Shego did consider that she was going to have to find a hobby if her girl was going to be going places and be gone for weeks on end. She was not sure what she might do aside for working out. She was not sure what to do; she had never found herself with free time where she could not just go out and do whatever. She was used to being able to go out and do something that most would consider self-destructive. She was not interested in doing something crazy anymore, except for at work anyway.

The green-skinned woman did take some time to reflect on her life with her pet. She realized how much her life felt completed with Kim. She never thought about it before, but she felt fulfilled with the redhead and she always had. Ever since she first fished that buggy kid out of that box, Kim filled a hole in her life that she had not been aware even existed.

How was she supposed to know that she lacked something when everything seemed fine? After all, she had a great job, nice home, and everything that she could want, so how was she supposed to know that she was missing something? And then that little imp dropped into her lap. Who would have thought that was what was missing?

She should have hated the brat at first. Kim seemed like the stupidest creature that she would ever meet in her life and that should have bothered her much more than it had back then. But, there had been something about that crazy kid that she believed was just too cute back then. Every stupid thing that brat did was utterly adorable and lovable. She had been like a kitten or a puppy at first.

Now, Kim still had her puppy/kitten moments because she was very cute and she still acted like an adorable pet most of the time. But, of course, there was more to her now to Shego than just her pet status. Shego just could not explain what it was that the redhead was to her now. She had never felt how she did in regards to Kim with anyone else. She was not sure what it was, but it made her not only want to take care of Kim and look after the petite hero as she had been doing, it also made her want to stay with Kim. She had never felt the need to stick around a person before, not her mother, not even her best friend, but she felt that way with Kim. She wondered what it meant and if she should say something about it. Should she tell Kim just how she felt or did Kim know already?

She was not sure, but she would see how things played out when her mini-monster returned. She wondered each day that went by what her pet was doing. She hoped that her girl was eating right and getting proper rest. She hoped that Kim was not getting tagged by snakes, even if there was a good clinic right there. She just worried about the little redhead over small things because that seemed to be the notion that her monster always over looked. At least Rosa could keep an eye on the crazy kid.

(New day)

Shego was lounging on the sofa, watching television and ruining the Rubix cube even further than before. She was tempted to break the stupid toy and just go out and buy her pet a new plaything. She did not understand how the blasted thing brought her girl any joy. How was the dumb thing pleasurable in any way?

Her frustration was interrupted by the sound of keys in the door. She wondered what drunk was trying to get into her apartment. She got up when the sound persisted. She intended on cursing the person out for bugging her, but the door opened and she found that it was not a drunk at the door; it was Kim.

“Princess, what are you doing here?” Shego inquired because her pet was not due back for another couple of days.

“I missed you,” Kim replied with thick emotion in her voice and she threw her herself into her master’s arms.

Shego gasped a bit; she was astonished. Those three words were so heartfelt and the pale woman was touched. It was incredible that such simple words could make her feel as if she was the greatest thing ever made. She wrapped her arms around Kim tightly, letting the redhead know through her actions that the feeling was mutual. But, then Shego surprised her pet.

“I missed you too,” Shego admitted in a low voice, some emotion sneaked out of her mouth.

Kim did not know if she wanted to grin or cry because of the simple response and the emotions that it made her feel. She just held on to Shego tightly, reveling in being able to embrace the pale woman. It was funny, the younger woman thought. She had been worrying about Shego being alone while she was away, but she too had been bothered by the separation. She had spend most of the week moping, wondering what her mistress was doing almost all of the time. She had wanted to be petted so many times during the week. She just wanted simple things like light kisses on the cheek, smiles or other expressions of acknowledgment, just little things that would be meaningless if they did not come from Shego.

“Um…” Kim smiled sheepishly as she thought of how to make a request, but Shego could guess just what her pet wanted from her.

“Yes, I’ll make pasta tonight for dinner,” the pale woman sighed. Was that what she was, the pasta-maker, she thought as a joke.

“Yay!” Kim cheered and she planted a long kiss on Shego’s mouth as thanks.

Shego accepted and eagerly returned the kiss. She really had missed the little brat, even though she had managed to deal with being on her own for the week. She just preferred being with Kim and that could be felt in her kiss.

Once they were done with their heated reunion, Shego ordered her pet to go take a shower while she went to started dinner. Kim went to bathe and get comfortable in the apartment. They had a quiet dinner of ziti, which made Kim extremely happy since she had been without her master’s cooking for so long; Shego had not cooked when she was with Kim out of the country. They then retired to the sofa with Kim lying in her mistress’ lap.

The redhead took one of Shego’s hands and placed it on her head. The emerald-eyed female automatically began caressing her pet’s scalp while Kim went to work on her puzzle cube. The girl did not seem to notice that the sides that she had were gone. Shego’s other hand eventually wandered down to her girl’s stomach and she circled around Kim’s bellybutton.

“Hey, Kimmie,” Shego said out of the blue.

“Yeah?” Kim replied while holding in a yawn from all of the delicious attention that she was getting.

Shego paused for a moment. Kim expected to hear words along the line of her being a good girl because of the look in her mistress’ emerald eyes. It was just an affectionate look and one of deep admiration. Kim was used to one half of the expression, but not the other.

“Thank you for everything,” Shego finally said.

“Everything?” Kim echoed in a confused voice. She did not see what her master was going on about. Everything was a lot of ground and she did not see why she was being thanked at all.

“Yes, everything. Everything you’ve done for me, for staying with me, for putting up with me. Thank you so much,” Shego said and she gave the girl a loving squeeze. It would as close to an embrace as she could do considering where her hands were.

“You don’t have to thank me. Everything I give you, you give me more than likely.”

“I don’t see how that is,” the pale woman admitted. Kim gave her peace of mind and just a calm and soothing feeling that she had never experienced before. Kim made everything seem as if it was going to be all right no matter what happened. There was something about taking care of the redhead that eased her soul; the soul that she did not even know that she had until the kid showed up.

“Well, to be fair, I don’t see how it is on my end either. I mean, you make me feel free. That’s the best way I can put it and I don’t see how I can return that to you,” Kim pointed out. She understood that she relaxed Shego, but she could not see how she could make Shego feel a fraction of what she felt when she was with the older woman. The pale woman made it seem like every trouble that she had in the world left as soon as her mistress was near.

Shego did not respond. She leaned down and kissed Kim’s slightly chubby cheek. The redhead smiled; she had never felt so appreciated for something so simple. All she had do for Shego was be there and nothing more. She did not have to save the world, she did not have to cure a disease, and she did not have to be super-human in any way. She just had to be herself and she liked that; Shego was pretty much the same way. It was nice to know that she made Shego feel the same way. It was nice to know that Shego was comfortable enough to say such a thing.

“Hey,” Kim said.

“What?” Shego asked.

“Do that again, but right here,” Kim requested and she pointed to her mouth. Shego laughed and she leaned down to kiss Kim on the lips.

Next time: Kim and Shego have some play time and they wear each other out.

1: Quetzalcoatl was the feathered serpent god of the Aztecs.

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