The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Fifty

Closer and closer


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TITLE: Closer and closer

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4556

Shego caressing her pet.

I’ve been through a lot and seen a lot in my short life, especially after becoming Shego’s pet. I mean, I do a lot of weird things in my life, but even I find this really weird. My mistress found Todd’s parents and for some crazy reason, they didn’t say they were coming to get him as soon as possible. Quite the contrary, they’re leaving him here…with us! They don’t even know us and, well, what the hell are we supposed to do with a kid? We don’t know how to take care of a kid, but I get the feeling we’ll do better than them. They didn’t even let the kid have a Christmas, so now we’re going to make sure he has a slamming week.

Shego and Kim were now the bemused “parents” of a little creepy, five-year-old boy, at least for the week. His parents were on vacation and not going to come get him until the weekend, which struck the master and pet as odd. After all, who left their child with total strangers for the whole week? And really who came stranger than Kim and Shego?

Todd’s mother had believed and trusted Shego when she said that she was a police officer over the phone. Now, she could have been lying, of course. Maybe the woman had asked for her badge number to verify the information, but that did not even matter. Just because she was a police officer did not mean that she was going to take the best care of Todd. She did not know what to do with a five-year-old boy and her pet did not seem to know either. The best that they could do was to not lose the boy like his grandmother had done and started the whole mess.

The first thing that Shego did was lay down some rules for Todd to follow. He seemed to have the average child’s attention span of a whole two seconds because as soon as she started to speak, he started to lean to the right to look around her in order to see the cartoon that was on television. Shego quickly turned the television off for his full attention. Todd did turn his head upwards to look at her. He did not look upset or even curious as to why she had clicked off his program like most kids might.

“Okay, Smiley, you’re going to here for a few days, so you need to know the rules, okay?” the green-skinned female stated and he nodded to show that he understood. “Rule one, do not follow Princess’ example.”

“Hey!” Kim whined from the kitchen where she was breaking quite a few rules at that very moment. To her, what she was doing now was neither here nor there. She did not think it was fair that she was being singled out.

“Case in point, she is undoubtedly eating more pie despite the fact that dinner is in an hour and she’s also yelling at me. Very bad things,” Shego informed Todd, who nodded. She was not sure if he understood or if it was because he just nodded whenever she stopped talking. She suspected that it was more the latter just because he was strange child.

Shego continued to explain the rules to the boy, who never looked away through out the whole speech. He nodded whenever she asked if he understood and she had to take his word on it because that was all she could do. She then turned the television back on for him, rubbed the top of his head, and then went to scold her pet for whatever it was that she was doing in the kitchen, which was eating more pie; she was getting rather predictable it would seem. Kim joined Todd on the sofa to watch cartoons with him after having her head figuratively bitten off.

Shego heard laughing a few minutes later while she was preparing dinner. It seemed that the boy could only laugh at what was happening on television if Kim was there to lead the charge. He was a very strange kid, the apartment owner thought. But, she conceded that it probably was not his fault that he was so weird considering the parents that he was working with.

The trio ate dinner that night without any problems, just like the night before. Todd silently appreciated the meal. It was one of the best things that he had ever tasted. He noticed that he got smaller portions compared to the adults, which was all right by him because it was just enough for him to finish. He was used to getting more food than his stomach could handle in one sitting and sometimes he was forced to finish his meals, especially if they were paid for. Other times, he was forced to leave his meal because he was the only one not finished.

Kim and Todd returned to the sofa when they were done eating while Shego tended to the dishes. Kim tried to volunteer to do the dishes, but her mistress assured her that it was not a big deal. So, the redheaded hero was shooed away and she watched television with their temporary kid.

The pale woman joined the pair in the living room when she finished her chore and she saw how they were laid out on the sofa, leaving no room for her. She considered just going to the bedroom to avoid having to deal with the duo, but she was not going to be pushed around in her own home. She was going to lounge on her couch like she did every night, even if things were not normal that night.

Shego walked off and retrieved a pillow that she usually made her monster sit on when she did the scientist’s hair. She put the pillow on the floor right in front of the couch and lifted Todd up from the sofa. He made a noise because of the surprise, but he did not say anything as she put him down on the pillow. She then moved Kim, so she could sit down. She placed Kim’s head in her lap as usual and began petting her little monster. Todd glanced up and noticed the content look spreading through Kim’s face.

The boy wondered why Kim looked so happy. Was it that nice to have Shego rubbing her head, he pondered. Something like that had never happened to him, so he would not know. He wished that he could feel whatever it was the hero was feeling because of the expression that she was wearing.

Kim noticed that Todd was looking at her and for a moment, she considered that he might think that she was peculiar. But, there was a curious longing in his lime green eyes. It was as if he wanted some kind of attention too. It took an effort for Kim to manage, but she lifted her arm and she began rubbing Todd’s head. He turned his attention back to the television while leaning back into the sofa. He seemed to relax for the very first time.

He could also understand why Kim had the expression on her face that she did. It was nice to have his head caressed. It felt delightful. He quietly hoped that it would happen again.

(Next day)

“Pumpkin, what the hell is Smiley wearing?” Shego inquired as the boy came to the table for breakfast. She could already tell that her pet had allowed the child to dress himself. He had on two shirts, a tee-shirt and a button-down shirt, and they did not match. To make matters worse, the tee-shirt was on inside out and the button-down shirt was buttoned wrong.

“The clothes you bought for him,” Kim answered. She was getting dressed in the bathroom. She was planning to take Todd out shopping again for Christmas gifts. She had a feeling that she was going to be dipping into her little bit of savings again.

“I can see that, but they didn’t look like that when I got them. Stuff actually matched,” the older woman replied. She noted that Todd did not care about how he looked, but then again, he was only five years old. What did he know about fashion, she silently remarked.

“It matches,” Kim stated.

“Smiley, did Kimmie let you dress yourself?” Shego asked and the boy nodded, pretty much unwittingly ratting Kim out. “I figured as much. Come on, let me fix you up and then yell at Princess. You can yell at her too for letting you do this to yourself,” she remarked.

Todd almost laughed because he knew that it was joke, but he caught himself. The pale woman fixed the boy’s outfit. She guessed that she might have to buy him a few more things to tide him over for his stay with them. She was still rather pissed that his parents just decided that they were going to leave him with her and Kim. She was going to blow their phone up like it was the only thing that she knew how to do once she got work, if only to be annoying. Maybe if she called them enough, they would cut their vacation short and pick up their son. Or at least have a relative come pick him up, preferably one that was not his grandmother since she was the one that he had gotten away from in the first place.

She still could not believe that someone would just entrust her son to a stranger like Todd’s mother did. She wondered if the boy’s father was in agreement with that decision. Maybe she would get him when she started calling once she got to work and he would make a rational decision, like coming to get his son.

“You two, try not to get into too much trouble,” Shego implored the pair as she went to the door to leave for work. She was being serious.

“We’ll be fine, just like yesterday,” Kim assured her master.

“Yesterday wasn’t perfect,” the moss-hued officer pointed out.

“It was close enough.”

Shego yielded to that one. She gave her pet a kiss goodbye and went off to work. She had left her little monster and their gremlin with some money for shopping and for them to get a meal in between. She was not sure how much toys and things cost, but Kim had requested enough to buy about five things, even though she wanted to get him more than that. Shego had told her pet to take it easy because Christmas was still a few days away and the boy was not theirs, so they did not need to spoil him too rotten.

The super-powered female went to work and started calling Todd’s parents again. His mother got real bitchy with her about the second time that Shego contacted her that day. She informed the officer that they would get Todd over the weekend and then she had the nerve to hang up the phone on Shego. It was on now.

“That bitch,” Shego muttered as she entered her apartment. She was referring to Todd’s mother. The whore, as Shego now thought of her, stopping picking up the phone after Shego had called a third time. She had tried from other lines, but the woman still did not pick up. So now, just thinking about that whore pissed her off to no end.

The father had picked up the phone once. He seemed less concerned than the mother since he knew that Shego was a police officer. Shego had not even thought that was possible for a parent to care less than Todd’s mother until his father answered the phone. Were they nuts? The only thing that he said to her was that if she was stern with Todd then he would behave and everything would be fine with the boy. And then she did not hear from the father again.

“Shego!” Kim grinned as she tackled her mistress in a hug.

Todd watched from the hall entrance as Kim planted an enthused kiss on Shego’s mouth and then she let the elder female go once Shego grunted in compliant. Shego then went to go change into her house clothes to get more comfortable and relax after the irksome day that she had. She greeted Todd on the way to her room by rubbing his head and calling him “Booger,” which made him pout a little. He looked something like Kim when she pouted, which Shego noticed. She wondered if Kim was influencing him so much already.

“What do you two want for dinner?” the green-skinned female asked as she exited the room in her house clothes of a tank-top and sweat shorts.

“Pasta!” Kim cheered.

“Smiley?” Shego asked, ignoring her jovial munchkin. She was trying her best to not do pasta since she was not as into noodles as her elf was.

“Me? I get to choose?” Todd inquired in disbelief. He looked rather amazed by that.

“Yeah,” the emerald-eyed woman answered.

“Please say pasta!” Kim begged their tiny guest. She had her hands clasped together and everything.

“Don’t let her pressure you. What do you like?” the pale woman asked the child and he shrugged. “Damn it, Smiley, stop doing that. What do you like?” she demanded to know.

Todd seemed to shrink. “I dunno,” he muttered.

“Spaghetti,” Kim suggested and she gave her master an idea.

“Stop me when I get to something that you like, Smiley,” Shego said and she began to run off the names of dishes that she could prepare. He stopped her when she came to beef stew.

“Never had that before,” he said. He thought it might be good since everything that Shego made was delicious and he would not mind trying something new while he had the chance and choice.

“So, you want to try some stew?” she asked and he nodded.

Shego took that answer and ran with it. She made the kid some beef stew with white rice and beans and he thoroughly enjoyed it. Kim enjoyed it too, even though she would have enjoyed spaghetti a whole lot more. They all then went to lounge in the living room. Shego sat on the sofa with Kim lying in her lap and Todd parked himself on the pillow on the floor again. Shego caressed Kim’s scalp and Kim rubbed Todd’s head as they watched some cartoon movie in peace.

(Next day)

Shego was on her way out of the door for work. She got her usual kiss from Kim, but before she got to out of the door, Todd stopped her. He came from the living room entrance, which was where he had been watching them, and he went to the door. He motioned for Shego to bend down to him, which she did if only because she was curious. He then gave her a little peck of a kiss, which would have been shocking enough, but he had kissed her on the lips.

“Smiley, what was that?” the emerald-eyed officer asked while trying her best to act normal.

“Like Kimmie,” he replied while pointing to Kim. He knew that Kim kissed Shego because she liked Shego and she was sad when Shego left. Well, he liked Shego too and he was sad when she left, so he thought that he should kiss her too.

He also noted that Kim seemed to enjoy kissing and from what he learned with having his head rubbed, Kim was a good judge of nice things. So, he decided to see what was with kissing. He thought that it would be all right since they let him experience new things and they did not really get upset with him.

“Come on, kid, we’ve gone through this. Don’t follow Kimmie,” Shego said and he blushed for some reason that was beyond her.

“But, I liked it,” he admitted with a small smile. He guessed that there was more than one reason that Kim kissed Shego. It was a pleasant feeling just liked it appeared, so he could see why she did it so often.

“Hey, hey, hey, you go get your own Shego. This one’s mine,” Kim playfully declared as she latched herself onto her mistress.

“Share?” Todd requested because he knew that there was only one Shego in the world, mostly because she was the only person that he had ever seen with green skin.

“You two stop acting so idiotic. Let me go, so I can get to work,” Shego ordered while trying to fling Kim off of her.

The olive-eyed hero let go of her master and Shego went off to work. Kim was once again in charge of Todd and they went out again. They did some shopping. Most of the stuff that she bought was for the boy and she had to do it when he was distracted to keep him from seeing what she got. She had to trick him a couple of times to distract him and for a five-year-old, he was not easy to get to look away.

She was surprised that he did not fall for surface to air missiles like her brothers used to when she wanted them to look away; they fell for that all the way until their teens. She did however catch him with a surefire way to make a little boy turn around by saying “Oh, my goodness, is that building on fire?” He turned around faster than she would have if someone shouted that Shego was naked and covered in honey.

While looking for things to buy for Smiley, Kim spotted the area where kids went to go meet Santa Claus. She thought that Todd might enjoy that since it seemed like something all little kids enjoyed, or so the length of the line would imply. She took him to go stand on the line and did not tell him what it was for. She figured that he might like the surprise. When he finally saw who they were waiting in line for, he frowned deeply. He hated that fat man.

“Go ahead, Smiley. It’s your turn,” Kim said and she gently shoved Todd toward the department store Santa.

Todd looked at Kim as if she was utterly mad, but she continued to urge him to go toward Santa. He gulped as he wanted toward the gift-giving jerk and stared up at him instead of sitting on his lap like the other kids had done. He contemplated kicking the fat man in the shin and just running for never bringing him presents. He was good, so why was he always left out? He was good, Kimmie said so.

“Come on, kid,” Santa said as he reached down to pick Todd up and get the whole thing over with.

Todd stepped away. “Don’t touch me,” he ordered in a voice that was much too serious for a five-year-old.

“Come on,” the department store Santa said again and he grabbed the redheaded boy, much to his horror.

“No!” Todd hollered and he fought to get away the supposedly jolly man.

“Kid, what is your deal?” the man asked as he tried to get control of Todd.

“Smiley,” Kim said as she came over and tried to calm him down.

“Kimmie!” Todd reached out for the redheaded female. She would save him from Santa, even though she was the one that had given him to the man in the first place. She just did not know that the fat man was evil, he told himself. She would save him now that she knew.

“Smiley, what’s wrong?” Kim asked as she rescued the poor boy from Santa.

“Don’t let him touch me! He’s mean and he doesn’t like me!” the boy cried as he latched himself around Kim’s torso. She was holding him like a toddler.

“Smiley, it’s just Santa. He’s not mean and if you tell him what you want for Christmas, he’ll bring it,” she tried to assure him.

“He never does,” the younger redhead muttered.

“Try it.”

“No, I don’t wanna.”

Kim decided to not force him to do anything. She did not want to traumatize him or anything. She apologized to the man playing Santa and carried Todd away. It took a while to calm him down, but she managed it by holding on to him and rubbing his back. Then they went back to shopping.

After shopping, Kim was called by her friends, requesting that she meet them at Mexippon, which was Ron’s second favorite restaurant. She guessed that it would be nice for Todd to get a taste of Japanese or Mexican food. She just hoped that Ron did not try to give the kid both at the same time as he tended to eat things. They arrived later than the others because Kim and Todd had to take the bus while the couples had cars.

“Whoa, Kim, is this like your cousin or something?” Ron asked when he noticed Todd. The others looked down at the kid too, just as curious as to whom he was.

“Oh, he’s so cute,” Monique practically cooed and Yori surprisingly nodded in agreement.

Kim laughed a little and explained that Todd was a boy that she was looking after for a while. She introduced Todd, who requested that they call him “Smiley.” He seemed to really like the nickname, especially since Kim and Shego had given it to him. She then introduced him to all of her friends and gave very brief bios on them to make him comfortable with them. They were very warm and friendly toward the child, but he was still a bit shy, curling up as close to Kim as possible when they sat down with the others. He just felt safe next to her.

They ordered their food. Kim had to order ramen; it was a must for her in a Japanese restaurant to order ramen just because of the noodles. She was not hard to please at all, especially when it came to food. She ordered some ramen for Todd too because if he did not eat it, then she would. Little did she know, but Todd was definitely open-minded when it came to food.

“This kid sure is putting the burritos away,” Ron noted while staring at Todd in disbelief as the boy gobbled down the mini-burritos that they ordered for the table, although they thought that Ron would eat most of them.

“Is it good for him to be eating that with shark fin soup?” Monique wondered aloud. Todd was also on his second dish of the afternoon because it seemed that the initial ramen had not settled his usually small stomach.

“Why not? He already ate a bunch of rice balls and tacos together,” Felix commented.

“And the seafood soup with chili,” Yori added with a slightly disgusted face. She thought that her boyfriend was strange when it came to mixing foods, but they were all pretty sure that Todd topped Ron without much of a problem.

“So, he’s cool,” Ron said because the boy did just seem to be going through the dishes with no problem.

They watched Todd finish off his meal as they were watching a movie. Kim started doing calculations in her head. It seemed to her that after Todd devoured the last of his burritos that was going to be the end of the food because that would be the end of Shego’s money. She turned to Todd, who was seriously stuffing a burrito in his mouth. She began pulling out the rest of her cash while Todd managed to fit the whole burrito in his mouth and then he started chewing. Once he swallowed, he suddenly did not look too well. Did he have one burrito too many?

“Smiley, you okay?” Kim asked.

“My tummy…” he groaned.

“Kim, girl, I think he’s going to throw up,” Monique said and the way Todd lurched forward confirmed that. Luckily, the fall forward was only a prelude to the main event.

The redheaded hero grabbed the child in her keep and rushed off toward the bathroom. She got stuck for a second; should she go in the ladies’ room since she was a female or the men’s room because Todd was male? She knew that time was of the essence, so she picked one and bolted in. The whole restaurant cringed as they all heard the sound of Todd vomiting, which was followed by Kim groaning in sheer revulsion.

“Did you make it?” Monique asked as Kim returned with Todd some minutes later.

“Cuz it sounded like you didn’t make it,” Ron commented.

“We made it…to the sink anyway,” Kim replied.

“The sink?” Felix asked.

“It was better than him just throwing up on the floor. If I tried to make it into a stall, he would’ve let go right on the floor. I better get him home. See you guys later,” Kim said.

“All right. Take care, little guy,” the two couples said.

“And feel better,” the two ladies added.

Todd waved goodbye to the couples as Kim carried him out of the restaurant. The friends turned to each other and commented that Kim seemed to take good care of that kid. They then kicked around the idea of Kim having a kid of her own one day. They thought that she would well as a mother, although she would have to stop being a pet first. They then decided the topic was weird and started talking about something completely different.

The redheaded duo returned home and Kim put the presents away in Shego’s closet to keep them out of the boy’s sight. She then wondered what to do about Todd’s stomach because he was still complaining that his tummy hurt. She looked through the medicine cabinet, but there was not anything in there that she felt was safe to give a child. All she could do was rub his belly for him, hoping that it would help him feel better. He claimed that it did, so she continued on.

Shego came in and she was charged by not one brat, but two. Kim got her mistress around the waist while Todd got her around the leg. Kim went in for her usual kiss and then Todd had the nerve, as Shego looked at it, to request that he get one too. The pale woman was starting to wonder if there was a gas leak in the apartment that she did not know about for the pair to be acting so much alike. She supposed that it was all right as long as they did not both start asking for spaghetti for dinner.

She did lean down and allow Todd to kiss her, but she presented her cheek to him. She was not very comfortable with the boy kissing her on the lips like he had done that morning. He seemed to accept the cheek and planted a little peck on the presented area. They all then went about the evening as usual.

Next time: the trio play in the snow.

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