The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Seventeen

Plan B


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AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 5007

Shego caressing her pet.

I’ve got a plan and the plan is very simple. I was going to find a guy and screw him like a power tool. I just want to get rid of this frustration building in my system that’s there and is trying to get me to mess up my relationship with my pet. It’s trying to make me consider letting my pet screw me, which is just stupid. It’s completely stupid. She’s my pet and I like her that way; it’s how we get along. So, I need to get rid of this itch and I figured that I’d just do what I used to; find a guy that notices how damn sexy I am, and put it on him something fierce. I am going to break a guy. And that way, I won’t ruin things with my pet.

Roland Pond, the manager of the popular band known as the Oh Boyz, was stalking toward Shego like a man on a mission and she was the mission. They had met in a club that night a couple of hours ago; she had been out with Junior. Roland sent Junior off on a wild goose chase for the bathroom to have some time alone with Shego; she did not have a problem with that.

Roland grabbed Shego into a rough kiss. She met him with just as much force as he kissed her with. He grabbed her bare leg; she was wearing a short skirt without any stockings. He hitched her leg to his hip and ran his fingers underneath her smooth thigh. She noticed in the back of her mind that his digits were rough, yet she bet that he never did a hard day’s work in his life.

It did not take the slick-looking male much time to go from her thigh to her buttocks. From there, it only took him seconds to start tugging at her panties. She could not figure it out, but she was far from turned on with what was happening. No part of her was aroused in any way. She was not sure why that was, but she did not even think about that.

She was actually wondering if her pet was all right more than anything else; was her brat sleeping all right? Was her little monster wondering where she was? Was there something light in the house for her to eat if she woke up hungry in the middle of the night? Several questions floated through her mind, and all of them had to do with her pet.

Roland moved Shego onto the switchboard of the studio without breaking the kiss that they were engaged in. He started to pull down her underwear and some voice inside of her head screamed that she really did not want to do what she was about to do. She did not want to have intercourse with Roland; she did not even like the fact that he was touching her at the moment, so she truly did not want him doing anything deeper than that. She just had to get away from him because she did not like anything about him. She knew that and she was drunk, so she hated to think what rationales would be in her mind if she was completely coherent.

“Roland,” Shego said while pushing him away from her.

“What?” He inquired while wondering why she had shoved him away. He considered that she might think he was moving too fast, even though she had already confirmed that she wanted to do what they were getting to.

“I can’t do this,” she informed him. She was being polite, more than likely because she was drunk; she had the odd habit of being civil with she was tipsy. Despite her intoxicated mind, she knew for a fact that she could not have sex with him and it had nothing to do with the plan that he was about to bone her on a switchboard like she was a common whore.

“What?” he asked in a puzzled tone. He did not understand how she could even say that. Did she not know who he was? He was Roland Pond, manager to the world-renowned Oh Boyz; he could get as many chicks as he wanted, much better looking than she was, and freak as many of them as he wanted at once. So, who the hell did she think she was?

“Yeah, I can’t do this,” Shego said, more to herself than to Roland. She stood up and fixed her undergarments. She was actually more stunned than he was, but she just could not do anything with him. She could barely stomach the fact that she had been allowing him to touch her.

“What the hell do you mean you can’t do this?” Roland demanded to know. His tone alone flipped a switch in the tipsy woman; had she not been so drunk, she probably would have kicked his ass from the way he was talking to her. But, the polite Shego was put away in a closet and now she was going to tear into him.

“What the hell did I just say? That’s what the fuck I mean. Now, move your boney ass the fuck out of my way,” she ordered.

“Listen here, you—” he formed his mouth to call her a name, but she cut him off.

“Pick that next word very carefully,” she told him while holding up a plasma-charged fist. She had no problem with torching his butt to get him out of her way.

Roland gulped in fear. “What the hell are you?” he inquired in a frighten tone.

“Pissed off. Now, get the fuck out of my way. I’ve got an idiot to go find, so he can take me home,” she stated.

The band manager did not argue, which was obviously a wise decision on his part. He just did as she said and stepped out of her way to give her room to leave. Shego stormed out of the room, intent on finding Junior and going home to her impish munchkin. She just had way too much on her mind to consider staying in the lame studio any longer than she had already, so she did not care if Junior wanted to stay or not. He was taking her home and that was that.

Shego entered her bedroom to see her pet was still sleeping, which relieved and angered her at the same time. She had been worrying about the brat and there she was having a peaceful sleep without her. Well, she decided not to think on it for the moment and went to take a shower to wash away the grime of the night; she was also going to brush her teeth to get the taste of Roland Pond out of her mouth. She supposed that she brought it on herself, but it had never occurred to her that she would not be able to go through with her plan. She used to be able to sleep with almost any man that wanted to join her for a romp, but that seemed to be a thing of the past.

“This is all your fault,” Shego playfully blamed her pet as she went to join her slender monster in the bed, but she did not lie down. She had to fix the bed first.

The pale woman looked around at the mess that Kim made when she was left unattended in her sleep. The covers were on the floor and Shego picked them up. The sheet that covered the mattress had come up at all four corners, which she fixed without waking up the petite redhead. Once she crawled into bed, she collected Kim in her arms and rested the hero against her, knowing that was one way to prevent her little monster from moving, which would keep her from kicking everything off of the bed again.

Shego stared down at Kim for a while. She thought how when Kim touched her and compared it to when Roland touched her. It was very much a different experience, a better experience. She had thought that the only reason that Kim’s touch felt so good was because she had not been properly touched in so long, but it seemed that she was wrong. There had been a spark in the redhead’s touch, that was very much lacking when it came to Roland, and even what she could recall when sharing a drunken embrace with Junior lacked everything that her pet’s touch held. She wondered if that spark would be absent whenever someone who was not her munchkin touched her. It seemed like it would since there was nothing with Junior and she somewhat liked him; not enough to want to try anything with him, but enough to keep hanging around him, which was more than she did with most men.

“But, I’ve tried with you already,” Shego said because she knew where her mind was trying to go with those thoughts.

The green-skinned woman already knew that she would not be able to make love to Kim. She had tried and failed a couple of times already. It would be weird anyway, she mentally argued. Kim was her pet, after all. And she wanted Kim to stay her pet. She doubted that things could work out if the petite scientist became her lover. No lover she had ever worked out.

“You’re a very good pet anyway, monster,” Shego stated while hugging her girl a bit closer to her. Kim made a small noise, but she remained asleep.

The redhead was a very good pet. She was loyal, loving, and entertaining. She was there for Shego through thick and thin and supported her mistress, even if it was not in her interest or looked like Shego was making a poor decision. She helped Shego if she was given the chance, even if she was not asked. She was warm, affectionate, and not to mention utterly adorable. She was just a fantastic pet and Shego knew that she did not want to lose that by doing something that might make Kim change. She needed the girl to stay her pet because she needed the olive-eyed female in her life.

“Yeah, you’re good as you are,” Shego said and she leaned down to kiss her dozing munchkin.

Shego decided to just stop thinking about it all and just go to sleep. As she tried to sleep, her mind did wonder if she did not do anything with Kim because she did not know how. She did not know how to go about physically loving Kim and maybe that was why she could not do it; she managed to shut those thoughts out. She did not want to think about being with her girl intimately. Kim was her pet and it was as simple as that.

The emerald-eyed woman moved her pet a little bit because of the way that she had Kim resting on her. She figured that if the redhead was not totally on her, then she would not be thinking about having sex with the olive-eyed hero. It seemed to work because she fell asleep fairly easily after that. She hoped that when she woke up, her pet was not molesting her as usual or she was going to be back to thinking about things.

(New day)

Shego entered the house and was accosted by the sound of loud reggae music playing. She wondered what in the world was going on. She guessed that her impish pet was up to something, but she could not guess what that something was. She did not even know that her little monster listened to such music. She thought that Kim only listened to various types of rock and roll and pop music, much to the older woman’s dismay.

Shego really only liked types of hip-hop music and old, classic R&B. Every now and then, she might listen to jazz, but Kim’s taste in music and her taste in music varied greatly. She wondered what Kim was doing listening to dance music and then she found out; the slender scholar was dancing.

The pale female watched quietly as she caught sight of her munchkin dancing. Kim was actually doing a great job at the activity; Shego did not see why the brat did not like going to clubs with the way she was getting down. She had plenty of rhythm and she was moving well to the music. She was rather raunchy, though, Shego noted. Kim was swaying in a very suggestive manner, which the green-skinned woman was accustomed to seeing and doing in clubs, but she was not used to seeing the redhead doing it.

“Shego!” Kim grinned when she finally noticed her mistress. She did not seem embarrassed by getting caught in the middle of her dancing. She went over to her owner and hugged her as the usual greeting while continuing to maintain her movement to the beat.

“What are you doing?” Shego asked as if she did not know. She did not see why the girl was dancing, though.

“Running this song into the ground. I heard it yesterday while I was at Monique and Felix’s house and I just got hooked. I can’t stop listening to it now,” the redhead answered with a happy smile. She had learned the dance that went with the song yesterday too and she just could not stop doing it, even when music was not playing. Monique had thought that was funny while Felix had just been interested in staring until his upset girlfriend slapped him in the back of the head.

“I didn’t know you like this kind of music,” the raven-haired woman commented.

“Yeah! Hey, come on. Dance with me,” the younger female requested with a grin.

Shego tried to argue, but her pet grabbed her before she could utter a protest. The redhead started moving while still holding onto her owner, forcing the green-skinned female to shake along with her. It only took Shego a few seconds to give in and start dancing with Kim of her own freewill; she had time to goof off and have some silly fun since she had the day off tomorrow. So, she let herself go and danced right along with the redhead.

The slim scientist grinned widely when she noticed that her curvy mistress was really into it. They danced with each other just like they would any other person in a club. They did not think much of it, even though there was a lot of rubbing going on. They were really just playing around. A knock at the door disturbed their groove.

“Son of a…” Shego muttered because she was upset with being pulled away from such good entertainment.

The pale woman went to answer the door. She was not sure who it could be at that hour, except maybe Betty, but the one-eyed woman typically called before coming over. There was always the chance that something could have happened to Betty that prevented her from calling and she had to run over. Shego opened the door and found out that it was not her only friend; it was someone much more annoying.

“Miss Crocket,” Shego deadpanned. It had been so good to not have to deal with that woman for a few weeks. She was not sure what kept the woman away, but she wished that it continued on doing whatever it was doing.

“I’ve gotten complaints about the noise,” the landlady informed her cantankerous tenant.

“Noise, huh? What noise?” the moss-hued woman as if she did not know.

“The noise coming from your apartment,” Miss Crocket answered with a frown. She was not about to play some immature game with Shego when even a deaf man would be able to tell that there was music pumping from the apartment.

“I don’t hear any noise,” the raven-haired woman replied. She silently admitted to herself that the music was blaring, but it was far from noise. The walls were even vibrating from the bass. But, it was a good song.

“Turn the music down,” Miss Crocket seemed to order, which, of course, rubbed Shego the wrong way.

“Say please,” the officer replied.

“What?” the blue-eyed woman inquired in a slightly outraged voice.

“Say pretty please in fact,” Shego added. She could keep that up indefinitely to be annoying. She was not about to let some woman talk to her as if she was her child. Hell, she barely listened to her mother’s commands, so she damn sure was not about to listen to a woman that could not at least beat her up if she chose not to comply.

“I will not,” the Texan huffed.

“Okay, well, I don’t hear any noise then.”

Miss Crocket frowned deeply. “I don’t have to take this. I can call the cops about this,” she declared.

Shego could not help laughing. “Don’t waste our time. Come on, you say ‘pretty please’ and then I’ll tell the kid to turn it down. She’s having a good time in there and she’s planning to just run that same song for the rest of the night,” she reported with an amused smile.

“Are you blackmailing me?” Miss Crocket demanded to know.

“Over something like this? No, that would be stupid. I’m just saying that I won’t give a damn without you saying pretty please.”

Miss Crocket began scowling now; she could not stand that pale green harlot. “Pretty please…” she said through clenched teeth. She could not believe that she just uttered such words, but it was the only way to get the irksome tenant to turn the music down.

“Okay,” the raven-haired woman agreed and she slammed the door in the building owner’s face. Oh, Miss Crocket was getting sick of the green-skinned witch and she was going to start deeply looking into a way to get rid of her.

Shego returned to the living room and saw Kim moving around to the music still. She stared at the leaf-eyed hero for a while as she danced. Although her brat was rather slim, her hips were memorizing for some reason that Shego could not figure out. It was strange, but the older woman could not look away from those hips and legs; those were usually the body parts that captivated her when it came to her pet. The way that Kim swayed, it seemed like her movements were as poetic as waves on a calm beach. Shego would have looked on forever probably if Kim did not snap her out of it.

“Who was that?” the younger female asked curiously.

“Nobody important,” Shego answered as she turned the music off; the small stereo that belonged to her rascal was resting on the floor.

“Aw!” Kim pouted when the music halted.

“You’re getting all worked up for no reason,” the pale woman stated as if that was the reason that she had turned off the music. Usually, she would have been glad to let her monster waste all of her energy because that meant the night would be quiet with Kim just lying in her lap, but she had agreed to cut down the noise, so she did that.

“I was having fun. Hey, can we go outside? Let’s go outside. We haven’t been out in a long time and it’s nice out, so let’s go outside,” Kim suggested.

“Yeah, it does seem like you’ve got a lot of energy. I’ll take you outside right now, but tomorrow we’re staying in,” the emerald-eyed female stated.

“Okay!” Kim agreed with a grin. She was hyper and she could even tell that she was exploding with energy, having finally caught up on her sleep thanks to her mistress. She felt like she needed to do something; she just could not be the lazy pet that day.

The pair went outside and walked in the park; Shego did not use the leash. She did bring the Frisbee along, in case it was necessary for her to run Kim around. Typically, she did not need to play Frisbee with her pet anymore, which she was glad for. When she and Kim came into the park now, some kids almost always came out of nowhere to badger the slim scientist. The children always went right for the redhead; they had quickly learned to not approach her mistress.

Children did come from every direction when the duo entered the park. Shego just sat back as the kids took charge of her munchkin; she did not mind letting them take Kim off of her hands because they were better than playing Frisbee. The children could match Kim in energy somewhat and they could wear her down enough for her to be tolerable when they got home.

The raven-haired officer leaned against a tree and tried to get the image of her pet dancing out of her mind. It was such a suggestive and hypnotic way to move. It seemed to be stuck in Shego’s mind; the image seemed to be glued to her eyes and she knew what her mind was going to do with such information.

“I already tried, so stop thinking like that,” Shego told her brain, but it was not letting go of the notion. Her mind seemed to think that she either had not tried hard enough or she needed to try again. Her mind really seemed to believe that she wanted to sleep with Kim.

The pale woman looked over at her mini-monster, seeing her grinning down at the children that had kidnapped her, so to speak. Why did her mind seem to want to lay with Kim, Shego wondered. Her pet was, well, her pet. She was just a smiling, goofy, nutty, affectionate kid that made her glad to come home. There was nothing sexy or sexual about her…right?

Kim was rolling around on Shego’s bed; apparently, the evening at the park had not zapped all of her energy. The older woman was sitting at the foot of the bed, putting on some lotion on her legs while trying to ignore how wired her elf seemed to be. Kim crawled over to her mistress and put her head on the pale woman’s shoulder.

“Me next?” the pet requested.

“Of course,” Shego replied.

“It smells good. Is it new?” the redhead inquired while blatantly sniffing her owner. It earned her a glance from the corner of her master’s eye.

“Yes,” the officer answered plainly.

“Smells good,” Kim said while putting her nose right on Shego, as if that was not weird.


“Too close?” the olive-eyed female guessed.


The adventurer went back to rolling around on the bed until Shego grabbed her by the leg. The moss-hued woman yanked her pet over to her, causing the girl to yelp because she was surprised. Shego began to rub some lotion on her monster’s very dry skin. She supposed that it was her fault that Kim had such dry skin because it was her job to moisturize her pet’s body. Shego’s mind began to note that she liked the feel of her girl’s legs and that was when her touches changed.

Kim noticed almost immediately that her mistress was no longer touching her in an impartial manner. Her master was suddenly exploring her leg, almost massaging her limb. The redhead bit her lip to make sure that she did not say anything to disturb Shego, even though she was certain that the movements were not going to head where she wanted them to. She just knew to expect good dreams when she fell asleep, but she did remain quiet to make sure not to bother her master or halt her actions.

Shego ran her fingertips over the thin thigh that was in her grip. She happened to glance up slightly and noticed Kim’s bare stomach; her tank top was riding a little high. The emerald-eyed officer realized that she wanted to touch that skin too. All right, she easily conceded; she had to try again. She just had to.

The pale woman looked Kim in the eye and the redhead hoped that the look was the truth. Shego disregarded the bottle of lotion and leaned down to slowly kissed Kim. The slender hero accepted the embrace; it had been so long since they kissed. The slim hero had been too nervous to initiate a kiss after it had been decided that she was best as a pet; she thought that passionate, tender kisses were back to being off-limits. Shego had been too busy with other things to think to kiss her little monster before and she had not wanted to give Kim hope on something that she had been sure just was not going to happen; the redhead certainly did think that it was going to happen now.

As soon as their lips touched, they both realized that they missed kissing each other, so they both quietly decided that they had to do it more often, damn the consequences. They exchanged the kiss and nothing more for almost two minutes. It was fervent, but not wild. It was sweet, but hungry and they really did not want it to end.

Shego moved on while Kim wondered if it was all right for her to move at all. The adventurer remembered how the other times it seemed as if her mistress did not want her to move or to touch anything. She doubted that she would be able to not touch anything if they went as far as she wanted them to go. She wanted it so badly and for so long that she was certain that she would have to touch something.

The pale woman put her hand on Kim’s ribs as she started another kiss. The skin was so soft and her mind requested more. Her mind ordered her to keep going and she wanted to keep going. She wanted to know what the rest of her girl felt like. Well, there was one way to find out.

The older female moved her hand downward to the hem of Kim’s shorts. And then she started thinking about what she was doing, which made her hesitate to move on. What was she supposed to do once she did uncover that flesh? Touch it, her mind answered the obvious.

Okay, well, touching the skin once she uncovered it was obvious, Shego said to herself. But, touch it how? What if she did not touch it in the right way? She had never done anything like she was now. She had no clue how to go about having sex with another female.

Kim bit her lip to make sure that she did not say anything when she noticed that Shego’s hand was at her shorts. She did not want to distract the elder woman in any way, shape, or form. She desired Shego so much and she felt like she might get her way when she felt those warm fingers actually tugging down her pajama shorts. Please, Kim begged in her mind; they just could not stop again or she thought that she might go mad.

Shego noticed that the redhead was biting her lip because it sort of messed up the kiss that they had been sharing. She suddenly realized just how badly Kim wanted to have sex with her and she just began thinking harder. What if she did not perform up to task? Would that change how Kim looked at her, what Kim thought of her, how Kim felt about her? Would she disappoint Kim if she was not what the redhead was accustomed to? After all, she did not even know what to do. Damn it.

Shego frustrated herself quickly with that line of thinking. She ceased all of her actions and sat up on the bed. She rubbed her forehead and sighed. She did not want to disappoint the kid or let her down. She did not know what to do.

Kim whimpered a bit when her master’s mouth left hers. She had anticipated that nothing serious was going to happen, but she had hoped that it would; she had wanted something very serious to happen. She wondered why Shego had stopped. Was she really not worthy of physical love? Was she not attractive to her owner? Did her mistress just enjoy taunting her that much? She was used to a little teasing, but what had just gone on was torment, not teasing.

“Shego…” Kim said.

“Let’s just go to sleep, monster,” Shego muttered.

“Am I ugly?” the redhead asked, not looking at her master. She wanted to know the reason why her mistress could not touch her like she wanted her to, like her mistress seemed to want to.

“What?” the pale woman inquired in a bewildered tone. What the hell was her munchkin going on about?

“Am I?”

“No,” Shego answered. She guessed that she had hurt her monster’s pride, which she figured made sense considering what had just happened and what she had just done. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Princess. It’s just me. It’s nothing wrong with you at all, so let’s just go to sleep,” she added.

Kim nodded and crawled under the sheets on her side of the bed. She snuggled up to Shego despite what had just happened. The redhead could not help wondering if there was something wrong with her; why would Shego not sleep with her when it was obvious that she wanted to? It just did not make any sense, especially since her master had placed the blame on herself, so she did not seem to think that there was something wrong with Kim. There was something wrong with Shego. But, what? What was wrong with her mistress and could she do something about it?

Next time: an ordinary day leads to something extraordinary.

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