The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Thirty-four

Handling business


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TITLE: Handling business

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4259

Shego caressing her pet.

This is getting border line ridiculous and what I mean is the blonde that won’t go away. My mistress’ cousin is a piece of work…a bad piece of work, according to my owner. Now, I’ve sat through her for a few minutes every night this week and I have to admit, she’s annoying. I can see why Shego comes in so stressed; it had to suck to be around Lynn all day. I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with her.

Kim was coming out of the library on her campus. She was loaded down with books; she could be a real research hound under the right circumstances. She felt very happy to have her books, even though they were for a couple of school projects and not for her own personal use. After she was done with everything at school, she could go home to lounge around and maybe even have a slice of pie, which made her feel even happier. Yes, that would make for e a pleasing day. And then, the day was interrupted and she was pretty sure that the flow was not going to return.

“Kim,” Lynn called. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs that were outside of the library.

“Lynn,” the redhead replied in a deadpan tone. What was the blonde doing right in front of her?

Lynn had decided that in order to understand who Kim was to her cousin, she needed to speak with Kim without her bossy cousin interrupting them. She had found out that the girl went to school most of the time and she was well-known on campus by students and professors, so quite a few people were able to tell her that Kim was in the library and they had been quite right. It did not seem to cross their minds that someone might be looking for the redhead for something that she did not like, even though many of them knew that she was semi-famous hero and people might be looking to harm her.

“You sure do have a lot of books there,” Lynn commented as she got a good look at the petite redhead.

“Yeah, research,” Kim replied with a polite smile.

“Must be some tough courses,” the blonde stated.

“Not really. Is there something I can do for you?” Kim asked because she doubted that the blonde had come all the way up to her school to have small talk with her. She did not really like the fact that the television star had come up to the school to talk to her about Shego undoubtedly. For Kim, school was her place of business, so it was unprofessional of Lynn to come to her place of business to talk about something personal.

“I was just wondering about you and my cousin,” Lynn admitted.

“What’s to wonder?” the redhead inquired.

“Well, you’re at her house a lot. Are you good friends with her?” the blonde inquired. She would be surprised by that because she recalled her cousin only being good friends with Betty. Sure, they hung out with other people every now and then, but they were always together and the other people were never around long. Sometimes, she was even skeptical that her cousin and Betty were good friends with the way that they treated each other.

“I guess,” Kim answered. It was just easier to concur with that than to try to explain everything to someone her master apparently did not want to know what was going on.

“Oh, yeah, I figured that because you hugged her the other day. So, how do you know my cousin?” Lynn asked in a curious tone. She sounded friendly enough, but Kim was a bit apprehensive about her because it was clear that her mistress did not like the blonde female and the fact that Lynn had just popped up in front of her was not helping either.

“She found me in a box like four years ago,” Kim answered honestly. She thought that such an answer might get Lynn to leave her alone because of how strange the response was.

“Found you in a box?” Lynn echoed in a very puzzled tone.

Kim nodded and she tried to continue on her way; after all, the books in her arms were not light and she did have other things to do. Chemistry class was not just going to pass itself; although she could pass the ones that she had in her sleep. Still, she had work that needed to be done and she did not have time to waste on a jealous cousin.

“Hey, Cassie likes you a lot, huh?” Lynn said as she followed behind the redhead.

“I guess,” the slender hero answered.

“Why?” the blonde inquired.

“Well, maybe because I don’t call her Cassie,” Kim remarked. She was starting to suspect that Lynn had something to do with Shego hating her real name considering how much she said it.

“Okay, but why else?” Lynn asked.

Kim thought on the question for a moment. There were plenty of reasons that she could think of as to why her owner liked her, none of which she believed appropriate for sharing. There were also things that she considered telling Lynn as to why Shego did not like the blonde, but she did not think that it was polite. After all, she hardly knew the blonde, so she considered that Lynn might not be as empty-headed, deluded, and egotistical as she seemed. It was plausible, really.

Kim was not sure what to tell Lynn in regards to the reasons behind Shego liking her. It was not like she could just say that Shego liked her because she was submissive to the older woman to an almost ridiculous level most of the time. She could not tell her that Shego seemed to enjoy the fact that she was completely able to take care of herself, but instead decided to be totally dependent on the elder female. Well, maybe she could offer up the fact that she brought Shego a great deal of joy and peace in a stress-filled life, but then she would have to explain that and she did not have the time to go into detail on that one.

“Well?” Lynn persisted.

Lynn could not understand why her cousin hated her so much, but liked Kim. At first, she thought that her cousin disliked her because she was younger than Shego was, but she could see that Kim was younger than she was. So, age was no longer a feasible answer as to why she was disliked. Other than that, she could not figure out why her relative seemed to loathe her deeply.

The blonde believed that she could do everything that her elder cousin could, aside for plasma charging anyway. Granted, she did not do everything as well as Shego, but she was close, in her mind anyway. She believed that they were like their mothers where Shego’s mother was better at most things, but her mother was close to Isabel, which was actually true of the sisters. So, Lynn believed that she and Shego should get along like their mothers; little did she know, but Shego was not looking to be anything like her mother.

So, while Kim appeared to be little more than a bookworm who probably could not fight her away out of a paper bag, Lynn believed that she was near Shego’s equal. She looked at the redhead and bet that Kim was scared of everything too. She looked like such a fragile thing. So, why did her cousin like Kim? Maybe her cousin just felt sorry for the kid, Lynn considered. But, her cousin was not known for taking pity on anyone, so she was still at a loss.

“Look, if we’re going to keep this up, you’re probably going to have to walk with me a little faster. I’ve got something that I need to do,” Kim said.

Lynn had no problem with tagging along, but they did not talk much. Kim admitted that she did not really know why Shego liked her; she could only speculate why her mistress liked her. The blonde female was not buying that and pressed the issue as they entered a building. They walked to the back and Kim put her books down on a table. Lynn looked around and noticed that they were in a room full of snakes.

“What the hell are we doing in here?” the blonde practically shrieked. She had never seen so many snakes together in her life. From the look on her face, a person might have thought that the snakes were on the floor and not in cages. She looked absolutely terrified.

“It’s my day to do feedings. This might take a while,” Kim replied. Reptiles might not have eaten often, but to have to feed so many at roughly the same time made things drawn out. She liked feeding the snakes, though.

“Feeding?” Lynn eek-ed out.

“Yeah, I have to feed the snakes. They eat too, believe it or not,” the redhead remarked with a smile.

“You’re going to feed all of these snakes? Isn’t that dangerous?” the television stare inquired.

“Not really,” Kim answered.

Lynn could not believe that she was in a room full of snakes and then when Kim brought out the food for the animals, it was too much for the blonde. Kim fed the serpents rats, of course; they were very dead rats. The blonde quickly made up an excuse to leave the room and then she practically fled the building. Kim shrugged; and Lynn had the nerve to wonder why Shego did not like her? The only reason that Shego had not beaten the blonde senseless was because they were cousins and it would bring more trouble into her life than she wanted.

Shego groaned as her annoying cousin returned to her after their lunch break. Lynn had run off, yakking about having to see something, but Shego had not cared enough to pay attention to what the irksome blonde had been going on about. She had just been happy to see her cousin leaving and she had been equally bothered when the blonde young woman returned. Being with Lynn was possibly the closest thing Shego would ever come to feeling a thousand needles in her eye.

“Hey, cousin, could I ask you about Kim?” Lynn asked as they sat around the headquarters, waiting for Doctor Director to give them an assignment.

Shego would take any assignment. Hell, she would go give away traffic tickets if it got her away from her idiotic relative. Obviously, the boss was not willing to give her just any assignment since it might show up on television.

“You could ask me all you want, but I probably won’t answer,” the green-skinned officer replied. She was starting to consider taking up smoking again, but then again, she figured that would only end up putting the cigarette out in her cousin’s face and she did not need the headache that would surely follow such actions.

“What’s her deal? Why is always at your house?” the blonde inquired.

“Because she’s minding her fucking business,” Shego snapped. Damn it, why did her damn cousin always have to talk about something? She bet that she would be able to stand Lynn just a little bit if the girl shut up every now and then.

“I don’t get it. She’s always there, at your house, but she’s not someone you usually hang out with. I mean, she’s just a kid,” Lynn pointed out, as if her cousin might have missed that fact.

“Lynn, what I do or who I hang out with is none of your damn business. You know, if you went out and made your own friends, you wouldn’t need to give a damn about who I’m with,” the older female countered.

Lynn huffed; her cousin was so difficult to get along with. Shego wondered when her moronic family member would stop trying to be her friend. She had one friend in life and so far, that was all she needed. She doubted that her younger cousin would be a good friend if she did need another one anyway. Her cousin…she was just bothersome and Shego wished that she could be rid of her, but she knew that was not possible at the moment.

Shego understood why her cousin was always trying to be around her and she blamed her grandmother for it. It worked in a rather logical manner, in her grandmother’s head anyway. Their grandmother seemed to think that they were the second coming of their mothers. They were the same years apart as their mothers and they both appeared like little clones of their mothers. So, it seemed that their grandmother swore that they should get along like their mothers did. Lynn obviously fell for the propaganda, but Shego was not having any part of it. Damn that idea, she had decided way back then as a little girl, but her little cousin kept trying anyway.

The relatives sat around for a while before Betty came around with an assignment. Shego was ready to praise her friend, but she recalled that it was that bitch’s fault that she was being subjected to spending so much time with Lynn in the first place. And Betty knew just how horrible it was to spend a minute with Lynn, so she should have a general idea of what kind of hell it was to be around the blonde for hours on end.

Betty could empathize with her employee/friend; she really could. She was no fan of Lynn either. She remembered how the blonde used to follow them around and always end up in tears for whatever reason. She was not as tough as she pretended to be and Betty doubted that it helped matters that she was babied by her mother and grandmother. Hell, even Isabel spoiled Lynn and Betty figured that softened the blonde up somewhat, but it did not add up to her because Shego was spoiled too and she was not a wannabe badass. It did not make any sense to Betty that Shego was even related to Lynn; it did not make any sense that Lynn was even in that family.

Shego was trying to lose her cousin while staying behind a new annoyance, an elephant-sized mutt with the tail of a crocodile, the horns of a bull, and the teeth of a tyrannosaurs-rex. Apparently, she was pest-control once again when the dog catcher was sick, she commented to herself. She wondered if the day could possibly get any more irksome and then she found out, yes, it could. It seemed that the dog-thing also breathed fire.

“Why me?” Shego asked no one in particular as she avoided the flames.

The pale woman could stand the fire, but while she was busy dealing with that end of the beast, her cousin was dealing with the wrong end. Lynn was slapped with the big, thick tail. The blonde flew into a wall and was knocked unconscious, which let Shego know that the footage being filmed was not going to be used. The green-skinned woman frowned deeply.

“Damn it,” Shego growled in anger as the creature barreled toward her.

The raven-haired woman dived out of the way to avoid being shredded by the beast’s teeth. The monster growled and turned its attention to a lamp post. It began gnawing at the post until it snapped it in two.

Shego went back at the dog-creature and was almost impaled by its horns. She leaped out of the way and threw a plasma-blast at the canine’s foot. It whined like a puppy and went to lick its injured paw. She flung another plasma-blast and hit the beast in the neck. The dog-thing growled and snapped at her. She dodged the bite, but was then hit by its tail. She flew back several yards before landing on her back. She looked up to see the canine coming straight for her. Shego climbed to her feet and went with her instincts the second that the dog was on her.

“Bad dog!” the moss-hued officer shouted and she popped the canine right in the nose.

The dog seemed to be in shock for a moment and halted its actions. It shook the blow off and stared at Shego for a moment. And then it seemed to remember that it was a monster, so it growled at her. Shego was not moved by the noise. She repeated her words and actions. The canine was back to being stunned and shook its head. She stated once again that it was a bad dog and hit him one more time. The beast decided against attacking again. She then ordered that the dog sit and the monster did just that.

“You’re incredible,” the cameraman commented. He really could not believe his eyes. She had actually just subdued a huge beast like it was a naughty puppy.

“Yeah, I’ve got a lot of experience with bad pets,” Shego remarked with an amused smirk.

“I wish I could use this footage. Have you ever considering being in show biz?” he inquired.

“Nope, too close to something my mother might do. How about you go check on the star of the show?” Shego suggested.

The cameraman nodded and went to go see if Lynn was all right. At the rate that they were going, Shego feared that she might never get rid of her pesky cousin because they would never get “the perfect shot.” The problem was, as far as the pale woman was concerned, that they were in real life and Lynn would not accept that all of her screen tricks would not work in real life.

“Wait a second, I could just make it work,” Shego thought.

The super-powered female figured that if television tricks could make Lynn think that she was capable of doing the same things in real life, then it should not be so hard to fool her into believing that she had gotten “the perfect shot.” She was not sure if Betty would go for it, though. After all, the scene was also supposed to be a promotional video for their department in hopes that it would get their division some money. She merely took into account how irked the chief had to be with Lynn’s presence around the office. It turned out to be a good bet.

“How are you going to set this up, though?” Betty asked Shego as she ran the idea by her boss on how to get rid of Lynn. They were alone in her office with the door locked.

“What, can’t we just use someone from around here?” the younger woman pointed out while making a gesture around the office to refer to the department employees.

“No, we need someone trustworthy to pull this off. You can’t trust these psychos. We have to make sure it never comes out that this was faked,” the one-eyed woman replied.

“How about Will? We could force him to do it and he wouldn’t say anything as long as you make it clear that he’s not to say anything,” Shego proposed.

“That’s not a bad idea, but Will’s not a good actor. He’s way too stiff. He would never be able to pull this off,” Doctor Director argued.

“Right, we need someone with half a brain that isn’t controlled by you,” Shego remarked.

“Oh, ha, ha, ha,” the chief commented dryly. “At least Will isn’t Lynn,” she stated.

“You got me there,” Shego conceded and then she got an idea. “I know the perfect person for this job.”

Betty was curious for only a moment. “You’re not thinking…” she trailed off. She did not even want to put that one out there in the air.

Shego nodded. “Yes, I am.”

“You’re kidding,” the older woman said.


“I don’t know about this,” Betty said in a reluctant tone with an expression to match.

“I don’t know about this,” Kim said as her mistress tossed her a duffle bag. They were at home and Betty was there too.

“Don’t think about it,” Shego replied in a dismissive tone, which showed that she was not going to play her pet’s protest much, if any, mind.

“Yeah, just be there on time,” Betty ordered the girl.

“I really don’t know about this,” the redhead objected as she looked down at the bag. The scheme that they wanted her to go through with was rather dishonest and that was why she was so averse to the plan.

“Look, you like Shego, right?” the one-eyed woman inquired.

“Yeah,” the hero answered hesitantly. She did not see what that had to do with anything.

“And you want Shego to be happy, right?” Betty continued on.


“Then you want to help get rid of Lynn, so Shego doesn’t have to suffer through her anymore, right?” Betty asked logically.

“Well…I guess,” Kim agreed tentatively. It seemed to follow the rules of logic, but she was not so sure. It still seemed like she should concur despite the odd reasoning because it was along the lines of assisting her master. A good pet should be helpful to her owner when she could.

“Then you get out there and you do this. Okay?” Betty commanded. She was probably the only person that could get away with ordering Kim around with the redhead’s master right there.

Kim pouted, but she nodded to show that she agreed with the plan. It all just seemed so deceitful, what the two older women had planned. She did not mind helping, but it seemed a bit wrong. They tried to tell her to think of it as a prank at first, but she did not even do pranks, so they dropped that line. They were a little frustrated with her, but they persisted and now she was on board. Shego petted her reluctant girl to reassure her that it was all right and as thanks for her going along with everything.

“Good girl,” Shego praised her pet. “I’ll make you some spaghetti tonight,” she said.

“Really?” Kim practically squealed with delight.

“Yeah, no problem,” her pale mistress replied.

The redhead yielded because she had already agreed. At least she was getting spaghetti out of the deal. It was also good to know that no one would get hurt with their “little prank.” They were just trying to get rid of Lynn, which Kim was not against. Thanks to that blonde, her mistress came home tense and stressed every night. Sometimes, her master was so out of it that she did not even remember to pet Kim, much to Kim’s dismay. So, it would be nice for Lynn to move on.

“Are you sure this’ll work?” Betty asked Shego as they went to set everything in motion so that they could get to their plan and get rid of that damned annoying blonde.

“Of course, Lynn’s not smart enough to see through this,” Shego pointed out.

“I meant trusting Princess with this,” the one-eyed woman explained. Hell, she knew that Lynn would never see through it, but she was not sure if Kim could pull it off.

“It’ll work. She’ll be fine,” the green-skinned woman tried to assure her friend.

“Are you positive?” the chief inquired.

“Stop worrying. It’s not like you’ve had to spend the past week and a half with her,” the pale woman pointed out.

“I’ve had to see her for the past week and a half. It’s almost as bad,” Betty commented.

“Whose fault is that?” Shego quipped. She also would have argued that it was nearly as bad to have to see Lynn compared to being around the blonde. It was agony upon agony to actually have to be near that bimbo.

“Shut up,” Doctor Director huffed.

“Look, let’s just cross our fingers and hope the hell this works,” the younger female stated.

Betty nodded in agreement. She was sick of just looking at Lynn and she did not want to go through it anymore. The blonde was not winning any points by almost getting her best field agent killed in the past week and a half either. Lynn was only in the way and they really needed to get rid of her.

(New day)

“Cousin, what are we doing here anyway?” Lynn asked as she and Shego strolled into a district of abandoned factories, not that the blonde knew all of the factories were abandoned.

“A tip said there was a weapons’ deal going on around here. Be careful and look out,” Shego cautioned her little relative.

“When you say weapons—” Lynn started, but she was cut off.

“Yes, I mean guns and shit, damn it,” Shego interjected, knowing the stupid question that was going to come.

“Oh.” Lynn gulped.

“Just be careful,” the officer warned again in an irritated tone.

“I think it’s a little late for that warning,” a voice said.

The cousins turned around to see a masked, shadowed figure standing on wooden box a few feet from them. The person was dressed in all black and was holding two pistols, which were trained on the relatives. Lynn yelped in fear and Shego sighed; what kind of so-called daredevil was her cousin anyway?

Next time: the cousins team-up to take down an assailant

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