The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Forty-one

Starting something


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TITLE: Starting something

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters or this premise. I also don’t own Mickey Mouse.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4367

Shego caressing her pet.

I’m not surprised by what’s happening. It’s actually normal for us. The fact that it’s normal probably should bother me. I mean, she’s leaping out of her bedroom window in her own house and she’s thirty-one years old. I still argue with my mother like I’m a kid and Betty still runs from hers like she’s still a kid. Something has to be wrong with us because that shit shouldn’t be normal behavior for adults.

Shego stared at her oldest and more than likely dearest friend, not that she would ever dare to say that out loud. They were standing in the pale woman’s doorway just looking at each other. Betty was equipped with a couple of bags and her dog. She was waiting for a response from her green-skinned friend. Shego sighed.

“You’ve got the cooking and cleaning while you’re here,” the green-skinned female stated. It would seem that the older woman could stay, which was what she had shown up at the door for.

“What?” Betty asked in shock. Whatever happened to being a guest?

“Well, that or you could pay rent.”

“The brat doesn’t pay rent,” the one-eyed woman argued.

“And neither will the dog. You, on the other hand, are a different story altogether. It’s this or a hotel. Do you really want to blow that much money on a hotel that probably won’t even take your dog?” Shego pointed out.

Betty sighed; it seemed that she was had. “You paint a horrible picture. I guess I’ll agree to that first thing,” she yielded.

“Well, come on in,” the pale woman replied with a taunting smile while motioning to the inside of the apartment.

“Come on, boy,” Betty said to Leonardo as they entered the home.

Leonardo barked merrily and trotted into the house as if it was home for him. He went right to Kim, who was still asleep. The dog would have none of that and began nudging the knocked-out redhead to wake her up. She groaned in her sleep, but she remained asleep. The dog persisted, seeming to know that he was getting somewhere since she was making noise at least. He moved to licking her in the face and Shego saw that, which caused her to groan.

Kim was roused after a few seconds. She grinned the second that she saw Leonardo. She shot up and began petting him fiercely. He made some content noises as she scratched his ears for him.

“Well, they’re getting along,” Betty commented while motioning to their pets.

“Big surprise there,” Shego remarked.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Kim asked Betty as she took notice of her.

“None of your damn business,” the brunette answered. Kim turned her mouth up to that response. The police chief was always so mean to her.

“You’re as cranky as ever,” the redhead muttered. “Isn’t she, boy? Isn’t she cranky?” Kim asked Leonardo in a babyish tone while rubbing noses with him. He barked as if he agreed with her.

“Hey, you don’t agree with that brat,” Betty ordered her dog, who whimpered, as if apologizing.

“Oh, yeah, this’ll be fun,” Shego mumbled. She actually was not being sarcastic because she knew that Betty had little patience when it came to her monster and she thought that it would be amusing to watch her munchkin get on someone else’s nerves for a change.

“Pets unite!” Kim cheered and Leonardo barked.

“To think, I have to put up with her here and then with Steve at work,” the one-eyed woman sighed and she shook her head. Someone with power somewhere hated her, she concluded.

“Who’s Steve?” Kim asked curiously while looking up at the two older females.

“Her ex-husband,” Shego answered absently as she sat back down, even though she doubted that she was going to get to pay much attention to her movie. There was too much going on now.

“Ex-husband? You were married?” Kim asked in sheer disbelief while pointing at Betty. Her face looked like she was completely and totally shocked.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You don’t think someone would marry me?” the one-eyed woman demanded to know in a very upset tone, which let Kim know that she had a good whacking coming to her unless she thought quickly.

“No! I didn’t mean it like that! I was just curious!” the slender scientist insisted because Betty hit pretty hard, harder than her mistress at times.

“Oh, you think I’m too ugly to have been married or something?” Betty huffed because of the implications. Her fury was actually connected with very old insecurities that she had that the young hero had no idea existed.

“I didn’t even say that!” Kim whined while putting her heads over her head because she thought that a hit was coming her way and she felt the need to protect her skull. The hit did not come yet, though.

“I’m damn sexy!” Betty argued.

“Yeah, you are! Damn sexy!” Kim agreed while breathing a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, her words caught her mistress’ attention.

“What was that?” Shego asked. She did not like hearing her pet saying that someone else was sexy.

Kim’s face fell and she decided to just take the trashing that was now inevitable because she could not possibly appease Betty without making her master angry. She whimpered long before the blows landed, both older females clocked her in the head for her words. She fell over and the only one to check on her was Leonardo. Shego knew that her pet was only being melodramatic because they had not hit her nearly hard enough to drop her; maybe drop other people, but not her.

“Pets unite,” the petite hero groaned while rubbing her head.

“Pets shouldn’t talk,” Betty commented while turning her nose up to the little redhead. She could not believe that her best friend thought that irksome brat was cute.

“I was just curious about you being married. When were you married? For how long? What’s the guy like? How come you’re not married anymore?” the redhead inquired as she sat up when she figured out that her mistress was not going to cuddle her.

“How do you put up with her?” the onyx-eyed woman asked her friend.

“I’m used to her. It’s easier to just tell her what she wants to know or she’ll go on for the whole night no matter how hard you hit her,” Shego replied. Her nutty pet might even start throwing a tantrum and if that happened, hell, she would fill Kim in on what happened to get the brat to stop.

Betty flopped down on the sofa next to the pale woman. Kim continued to pay Betty complete and total attention, wanting to know about the one-eyed woman’s marriage. The brunette was a bit flattered that Kim was so interested in her, even if it was a bit embarrassing. Maybe, just maybe, she could understand how her friend thought that annoying kid was cute.

“It wasn’t a long marriage and I guess it happened because I was a screwy kid. When I got married to Steve I was younger than you are. I had just turned nineteen in fact. He was a marine and as your mistress likes to point out, I have a weakness for a man in uniform. It helps when he fills that uniform well. Usually I get over the uniform quickly and break up with the guy, who almost always turns out to be a loser, a dick, or an asshole in someway. I wasn’t so quick with Steve. Three months into the marriage, Shego showed up and saved me from myself,” Betty explained.

“Saved you from yourself?” Kim asked curiously and she turned her attention to her mistress. Wow, her master the savior.

“The silly bitch thought she was in love with the pushy loudmouth. After spending some time with him, I had to literally light into his ass,” Shego answered as if it was nothing.

“You were just mad that you didn’t have me all to yourself anymore,” the older woman teased her friend.

“Please, you’re not all that,” the green-skinned female retorted with a small scoff.

“Don’t try to play me,” Betty replied in dull tone while shaking her head.

Kim took a moment to allow a very bizarre thought float through her mind while the pair of friends continued to taunt each other. She imagined her mistress and Betty together with Shego holding Betty on a leash; in other words, she was thinking of a nutty situation where Betty would have been in her place. And then she suddenly popped up in the thought and Shego petted her. She shook that wacky thought away and hoped that it never came back. She then turned her attention back to the onyx-eyed female with the hope that she would learn more about the marriage.

“So, why aren’t you married anymore?” the redhead inquired in a curious tone.

“She grew a brain three months in,” Shego answered as if that was obvious.

“I realized he wasn’t the man for me,” Betty clarified.

“How so?” Kim inquired.

“Yeah, I figured once you attack your husband, it’s time to call it quits before one of your kills the other,” Betty remarked. She did think that just a little longer into the marriage and he would have been leaving in a pine box, if not because of her then because of her friend.

“Sounds like a good call,” the youngest female concurred.

“Yeah, he was…” Betty trailed off because she was not sure what she wanted to fill the blank with. There were so many choices.

“A prick,” Shego offered. She had a long list to go through if “prick” was not sufficient.

“Okay,” the one-eyed woman accepted that one.

“Yeah, we all sure know how to pick ‘em,” Shego remarked with a tiny, slightly amused scoff. “But, at least two of us didn’t marry ‘em.” She could not resist that little addition.

“Oh, hardy, har, har,” the brunette female replied dryly. “Don’t forget, you almost did marry him, so let’s just let it go.”

“Touché,” the pale woman conceded. “I guess you can camp out in the living room. Princess, go get your mattress,” Shego ordered.

“My mattress?” Kim asked while pointing to herself.

“Yeah, your mattress. You know, the thing you used to sleep on. Go get it,” the pale woman commanded.

“But, why can’t she just sleep in the loft?” the redhead inquired curiously.

“Because the loft isn’t fit for pigs. You don’t even sleep in the loft anymore,” the emerald-eyed woman pointed out.

“Are you comparing me to a pig?” Kim inquired.

“Well, with the way you eat, you appear to be one and the same and if you don’t get moving, you’re going to have something else in common with pigs,” Shego declared.

“What?” the slim hero asked.

“Barbeque,” Shego growled and she ignited her hands.

Kim yelped a bit and then she suddenly smirked like the little demon she could be. “Did you know that she sings in the shower?” the redhead informed Betty, who immediately chuckled.

“Damn it!” Shego hollered at her pet for sharing such personal information.

Kim decided to make a run for it, even though she knew that she was going to get it anyway. Man, it would be nice to still have a box, she thought. She sought refuge in the loft, which worked just as well as her box; maybe even better considering the fact that her master could not hold the loft out of the window like she was able to do with the box.

“You’d better not come down here or you’ll regret it,” the raven-haired woman growled, standing at the edge of the loft.

The olive-eyed girl did stay up there for a while and then brought the mattress that she used to sleep on down for Betty to use. Shego got fresh linen for her friend and then ordered her pet to bed. Kim guessed that she had to be excluded from a private conversation. She pouted, but obliged.

“So, why here?” the pale woman asked her friend, who was preparing the bed for herself.

“Where else would I go?” Betty countered.

“I know you’re still seeing lover boy with the Mickey Mouse voice. I’m sure his villa is not only bigger than my place, but has promises of wild, dirty sex.”

“Sex isn’t everything,” the older woman commented. Sometimes, she thought that her friend had too much of a one-track mind when it came to dating and picking a mate.

“I know,” Shego surprisingly concurred. Boy, did she know that now, but it sure was fun, especially with her mini-monster.

“I didn’t want to go to him for something that would need so much explaining,” the one-eyed woman explained while a sigh.

Shego shrugged; she supposed that made sense. “Whatever. Catch you in the morning. Princess is to have oatmeal for breakfast with orange or apple juice. I’ll take a toasted, buttered bagel,” she announced.

“I hate you,” Betty replied.

“I know you do. ‘Night.”


The first morning together was tolerable. Betty made breakfast as was the agreement. Everybody got out of the apartment on time without anyone getting beaten up; Kim was happy about that considering how much Betty seemed to like hitting her. The day ran smooth until Betty noticed her mother enter the building. She dived behind the nearest desk as if the place was under heavy gunfire while silently using every swear word that she could think of. She needed to get out of there and quick.

Okay, she knew the layout of the place and could easily escape as long as one of her employees did not blow her cover. She started for the exit and saw someone talking to her mother. Damn it, the wretched soul was directing her mother’s attention to where she had just gone down. She made a mental note to make that person’s life Hell the next spare moment that she had. She would have to get away soon or the banshee of a woman she called mother would spot her. Once she was certain that she was as good as caught, a miracle happened. Shego stepped in front of her mother and blocked the older woman’s view. Betty did not waste time getting out of the building with the stealth that a ninja would envy.

“Hey, Missus D,” Shego greeted her friend’s mother with an obviously false smile. She had noticed Betty on the floor, undoubtedly trying to escape, and then she had noticed that the brunette woman was very close to spotting her daughter, so she stepped in.

“Shego,” Missus Director said in a clipped tone.

Betty’s mother disliked Shego with a special intensity and it had probably been that way since Shego could for sounds, not even words, just sounds. It was an amazing thing considering the fact that her mother and Missus Director were good friends. In fact, they were almost like Shego and Betty, but they were also mothers and that seemed to make the difference.

Missus Director felt that Shego was a bad influence on her daughter and she often expressed that to both younger females and also to Shego’s mother. Isabel often countered by calmly pointing out that Missus Director was just upset that the girls did not have sticks up their asses like she did. The two older women now had a funny sort of friendship, but it was still a friendship.

“Have you seen my daughter?” Missus Director inquired.

“Nope, but I did just get here. Did you check her office?” Shego countered as if she was calling the older woman an idiot by pointing out the obvious places to look.

“No. Take me to her office.” It was an order.

The super-powered officer shrugged and complied. Usually, she would have said something snippy to get a rise out of the older woman, but she did not even feel like dealing with Missus Director at the moment. After all, she hated dealing with her own mother, so dealing with someone else’s mother was the very definition of irksome to her. Also, the faster she got the woman out of the building, the sooner Betty could come back in and give her a new assignment to give her something to do that was better than staring at her desk for four hours straight.

“She’s not here,” Missus Director huffed as they barged into the office to discover that it was empty.

“She probably stepped out for a second or something. Maybe she had a meeting with some civil idiots. You should try to call next time,” Shego suggested in a very rude manner, and as she expected, the older woman took offense to her tone.

“Watch it, Shego,” she warned the super-powered annoyance. She doubted that she would ever meet a ruder girl than the one that Isabel managed to raise.

“I can’t. It always runs away,” Shego remarked. That was a line that she used to pull on Missus Director back when she was about seven years old and already getting Betty into all sorts of things.

“Where’s Betty?” the elder demanded to know.

“Hell if I know. I don’t keep the bitch on a leash or anything like that.”

“Watch your mouth and when you see her, you tell her that she is going to have to talk to me sometime.”

“Why don’t you just leave her the hell alone?” the pale woman inquired. “She’s not going to consider going back to that dick in a uniform.”

“He’s a good man.”

“We consider verbally abusive good now? Shit, I’ve got to me moving up the ladder then,” Shego quipped with an amused half-smirk.

“You think you’re so clever, Cassandra,” Missus Director said smugly.

Had it been anyone else to speak her real name, Shego might have snapped. But, she had grown up around the older woman saying her real name to get on her nerves. She had learned very early in life how to counter it.

“Yeah, I do, Eleanor,” Shego practically purred. It was a surefire way to get under the older woman’s skin because she looked at it as a sign of disrespect. The pale woman did note that they were two families with some names on them. Bad names in her opinion.

“Listen here, you are not to interfere with their relationship anymore. Betty and Steve were happy together before you came back into her life and broke them apart.”

“I didn’t break them apart. I opened her fucking eyes. I’m the only one that gets to talk to her the way he tries to,” Shego declared.

Actually, the green-skinned female hardly spoke to Betty the way Steve did. For instance, Shego had the common courtesy not point out that her friend only had one eye, just like her friend had the common sense not to point out that she had green skin. Steve pointed both of those things out, constantly and consistently. They had limits, but he was too stupid to even consider a little civility toward either of them.

“Look, she is thirty-one years old. She needs to get married. She needs to have some kids,” Missus Director argued.

“She needs to be you,” the younger female stated the underlying sentence in all of that crap. “Bets doesn’t operate like you. She doesn’t want to be you. Let it go and don’t try to talk her into going back to that asshole. It’s not going to work.”

“Oh, no?”

“No. Two reasons and the first one being that Bets is a hell of a lot smarter than you ever give her credit for and two, even if she listens to your screwy ass logic, I won’t let her listen for long. You know that. You know me. Do you really think you can beat me when it comes to Bets?” Shego inquired with a wicked smirk.

The pale woman stared down at her friend’s mother, daring her to begin a battle with her over Betty. History had already proven what the outcome would be. If Eleanor told Betty to be at home a certain hour when she was younger, Shego made sure that Betty stayed out for as long as she wanted. When Eleanor wanted her daughter to learn the piano, but Betty did not want to, Shego made sure she skipped the lessons. The battle was easy because one of them knew how to talk to Betty while the other tried to command the one-eyed female. Commanding Betty was no way to handle things.

Missus Director would love nothing more than for her daughter to settle down with Steve Barkin. Back when they had been married, Betty was certain that was the only time in her life that her mother actually seemed proud of her. It had been an impulsive decision at best; a stupid decision in reality and she would admit that now. She had been in college, which were the Shego-free months, which tended to be somewhat boring since Shego was not around to get into a fight with. Her life always took strange turns without that irritable crank around. She ended up married that one time and the other time, she went out and got a couple of PhDs. The former one was the one that set Shego off when she finally found out.

Shego could not believe that she left Betty alone for a few months and the nutty woman had the nerve to come back home married. Not just married, but married to a complete and total jackass. Betty did not know it, but Isabel had been prepared to step in when she met Steve, but she had left it all to Shego, knowing that it was the best thing to do. Shego had straightened that mess right out as quickly as possible.

As the pale woman had stated, she was the only one that got to be verbally abusive to Betty…well, maybe her and Betty’s mother. But, other than that, no one was yelling at her punching bag about dinner not being ready or other stupid domestic matters as if they were living in the 1950’s. Betty was not some housewife and she definitely was not someone for some bastard to bark on about chores, especially when he did not get off of his sorry ass to do anything while she had classes and important things to worry about. So, Shego had to let the bossy prick know that with a lot of hand gestures, flaming hand gestures. Betty often joined in because while he might have yelled at her to his heart’s content, she damn sure did not take it sitting down.

“Betty is thirty-one,” Missus Director said as if that was supposed to mean something to Shego.

“Exactly. It’s about time you let the chick live her damn life,” the super-powered officer replied with a shrug.

“I’m her mother.”

“Betty is thirty-one,” Shego pointed out. She loved throwing words back into the woman’s face. Betty did not need a fucking babysitter. Hell, Betty was like a babysitter with the people working for her.

“I’m looking out for her best interest while you’re just being selfish because you think you should have Betty all to yourself, so you can run around having play fights and everything that you used to do when you were kids. You need to grow up, Cassie. She needs to be with Steve.”

“Bullshit,” Shego snapped viciously. “You don’t tell me that I’m selfish. First off, I already know what I am. Second off, you’re just as fucking selfish. You want her to travel the path that you chose. That path is bullshit for her. She isn’t going back to Steve, okay? Fuck that,” the pale woman declared.

“She will,” Missus Director vowed.

“Over my dead body.”

“Don’t tempt me, Cassie. Tell Betty I’ll be back,” Missus Director said and then she walked away.

Shego made a mocking face behind the older woman’s back as she exited the building. She then rolled her eyes; man, her mother might have been a bitch, but Betty really got screwed over when it came to mothers. Shego was happy that woman did not like her because she took it as a good sign that she was not an asshole.

It seemed that the old game was back on between Shego and Eleanor Director. They liked to play tug-of-war over what was best for Betty, not that Betty wanted to completely listen to either of them. Both of their motives were selfish, yes; well, that was what Shego would argue. Missus Director just wanted Betty to do what she believed was best while Shego did not really know what her motive was. Maybe she did not want her friend to do anything stupid. Actually, she did not want to admit it to herself, but she wanted her friend to be happy and she was just trying to look out for her best friend.

“Is she gone?” Betty asked as she dropped down from the ceiling. Hey, she could be just as stealthy as Shego if given the chance. They had grown up together, after all.

“Yeah, she’s gone for now. She gave the usual threat and warning,” the emerald-eyed female replied.

“She’ll be back then?” the chief guessed with a tired sigh. She really was not up to dealing with that woman, not that she ever was.

“Of course. Come on, she is Eleanor Director. If she wasn’t in our asses so deeply, we wouldn’t have half as much fun pissing her off,” the pale woman remarked with an amused smirk.

“That’s true. So, what should I make for dinner?” Betty inquired.

“Anything that’s not pasta. It’ll drive Pumpkin batty,” Shego answered with a smile and her friend laughed.

Next time: Betty is hounded by her mother and by Steve. She decides to get some revenge on Steve by getting Shego to start her own training program. Who is Shego going to be training?

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