The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Ten



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TITLE: Slither

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters or this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4710

Shego caressing her pet.

This Spring break is not going according to plan, although they hardly ever have since I met my mistress. Usually, I want to spend my time with her, trying to do…well…things, naughty things. This time, I didn’t even have those sort of things planned because I am now just a pet and I accept that; really, I do. I just wanted to have some fun with some animals without my mistress finding out. Is that too much to ask?

Kim snickered to herself as she made it the apartment door. Oh, she wished that she had a double in order to high-five herself to celebrate how she planned to get away with her naughtiest thing that she had done…well, that week anyway. She was certain that she had done and would do worse things at some point in time, but at the moment, she was at the top of her game. All she had to do was get into the apartment and have one minute alone and everything would be done. She would have gotten away with the perfect crime. She smiled like the cat that ate the cannery because of that thought.

“Kim,” Anita Crocket, the new building landlord said, which caused the redhead to jump in surprise.

“Miss Crocket!” Kim squeaked. Oh, great, the last person that she needed to run into was the person that ratted her out to her mistress the last time.

“Hello, so what’s that there?” the older woman inquired while noticing that the hero had a bag in her hand.

“What’s what?” Kim asked as if she had no idea what Miss Crocket was going on about. The girl figured that she was going to have to take some lessons in lying if she was going to keep running into the landlady. She could lie, of course, but since she usually tried not to, she was slow with things when it came to most people.

“That bag,” the Texan answered.

“What bag?” the college student asked. She just blatantly had a bag in her hand, which she was now attempting to hide behind her back. She hoped to the heavens that the bag’s contents did not bite her through the cloth or they were going to be having a very awkward moment, about a billion times more awkward than the one they were having already.

“The bag that’s in your hand. What is that?” the building owner inquired.

“Um…” Kim searched her mind for an answer that was not exactly the truth, but was not exactly a lie. Nothing really came to mind aside for the very childish response of “none of your business” and she just could not say that because of how rude it would be. So, it seemed that she had nothing. It did not come to her mind that she did not have to answer the woman.

“How about you show me?” Miss Crocket suggested, sounding friendly and everything.

“You really don’t want to see,” Kim promised the Texan.

Anita Crocket raised a curious, elegant eyebrow. She wondered what was in the bag, especially since the redhead was so unwilling to show it. Possibly something perverse was in the bag, she considered, since she had been told that Kim was Shego’s sex slave. She wondered how she could get the girl to show her the contents of the bag to see what kind of disgusting items she might be carrying.

“Why won’t you just let me see?” the blue-eyed female inquired, still sounding very affable and courteous.

“You really don’t want to,” the energetic adventurer tried to assure the older woman and she really needed to get into the apartment before her mistress got home from work.

“Princess!” Shego barked as she came up the stairs and saw that her monster was holding a suspicious-looking tan sack.

Damn it, the redheaded hero mentally cursed; she was in for it now. So much for the perfect crime and for getting away with something; she guessed that it was a good thing that she did not have a double or it would just be twice the trouble. She was so close, though. She was inches away from pulling off the perfect crime.

“Shego!” Kim grinned nervously. She was so dead. So very dead.

“Cut the smiling. I hate to ask because I can guess, but what’s in the fucking bag?” the pale woman inquired because she was fairly certain that the contents were living and probably scaly. She was also leaning toward it being limbless with the way her pet worked.

“Um … a surprise?” Kim guessed that was a safe answer.

“Don’t lie to me. Is that another snake?” Shego sighed.

“If I say yes, am I going to have to get rid of it?” the olive-eyed female inquired.

“Hells yeah!” Shego answered the obvious.

“Um….well, how would you define snake?” the redhead asked in a curious tone. Maybe stalling would get her somewhere, she considered. She might be able to think of something clever to at least avoid getting into trouble.

“Does she really have a snake in that bag?” Miss Crocket inquired with a frightened expression on her face. Snakes bothered her, like they did most people.

“I define snake as a certain hardheaded brat that’ll be sleeping on the street if there’s a serpent in that fucking bag that’s not getting the hell out of here right now,” Shego declared in a slightly heated tone.

“But, it’s not even a big one,” Kim argued.

“Meaning it’s just poisonous as hell,” the moss-hued woman commented.

“Well, it is a little poisonous,” the adventurer conceded on that point.

“Meaning it’s very poisonous,” the raven-haired woman translated, knowing that her pet spoke her own special brand of English.

“It’s just a fifteen foot cobra,” Kim admitted, which showed that her mistress was right about her speaking her own special language and Miss Crocket gasped because of the confession. Shego’s expression did not change because she was very used to such shenanigans now.

“Get it out of here now!” the green-skinned female commanded.

“I was going to…tomorrow,” Kim admitted in a mumble.


The young scientist pouted, even though she was aware that was not going to get her anywhere. “I’m going, I’m going. It’s not every day you get to take a fifteen-foot cobra from an abusive owner, though,” she argued.

“I’ll show you an abusive owner. I don’t want to hear the cobra’s fucking life story either. Get out of here now,” the raven-haired officer ordered.

The typically enthusiastic redhead continued to mope as she started for the stairs. She was so close to getting to have the cobra for the night. She had returned the snake after it had gotten free from a very tiny cage in a guy’s dirty garage. It had not bitten anyone and she had caught it fairly easily; the reason behind that in her opinion was because it was weak and sickly. She was just going to hold onto it for the night and then take it to the zoo in the morning. The lab at her school had no real use for another cobra after all and she wanted the reptile to have a good home.

“That was an interesting exchange,” Miss Crocket said to Shego.

“She’s a dumb kid,” the moss-hued female replied as she went to put her keys in the apartment door to get away from the landlady. The last thing she wanted was to be annoyed further, especially by someone that she did not particularly like.

“What in the world was she doing with a cobra?”

“She likes her work too much,” Shego answered. Yeah, her brat certainly did like her work too much because it seemed that she could not help bringing it home every now and then.

“So, she lives with you?” Miss Crocket asked, even though she had figured that much out only after a couple of days of being in the building.

“She lives in her head,” Shego replied as she opened the door. “Goodnight,” she said very briskly as she entered her apartment and shut the door before getting a response. She sighed once she was safe in her home. What was she supposed to do with that kid? That loopy kid was actually going to bring a cobra into the apartment. What was she supposed to do with a crazy brat like that?

“Did you get rid of that snake?” Shego called as she heard the front door open and close. She was in the kitchen, preparing dinner.

“Yes, ma’am,” Kim answered in a dead tone, as if she was looking for sympathy, even though she knew that it was never going to come. She figured that if she persisted enough, one day, Shego would have to show her some sympathy because, as a pet, she was such a pathetic creature.

“Go shower and change then,” the master ordered.

“Yes, ma’am,” the redhead replied in the same tone as before.

“And stop making it sound like I shot and ate your puppy. You know the rules,” Shego added.

Kim made a face, which she was lucky her mistress did not see; of course, she knew the rules. Just because the rules stated that she should not do something did not mean anything to her. After all, the rules still stated that she could not touch her mistress without permission, that she could not sleep in her mistress’ bed ever, and that she should not talk back when told to do something. To her, the rules were mere suggestions and she picked the ones that she liked to obey at the moment. Considering all of the rules that there were, she had broken each and every one of them more than once and would again sometime in the future; hey, sometimes, she broke all of the rules in less than a week.

The slender redhead did as she was ordered to do, namely shower and change her clothes, and then went to have some dinner to start off their routine for the night. After the meal, she and her mistress settled down on the sofa to do some lounging before they were going to go to bed. They watched a movie while Shego caress her pet’s scalp.

“Hey, Shego, does the landlady creep you out a little?” Kim inquired out of the blue, it seemed. It was something that she had been thinking about for the past couple of days.

“Why?” the apartment owner countered.

“Because she’s always just popping up out of nowhere. Doesn’t it seem a bit freakish?”

“You’re calling someone a freak?” the pale woman teased with a small, teasing smile.

“I just think it’s weird. I mean, she does seem nice and all, but she just pops up out of nowhere in front of the door or something and I just thought it was a little creepy,” the younger woman explained.

“She’s just a nosy broad. You probably don’t see her coming because you’re always focused on something else when you’re running out of here. Don’t let it bother you,” Shego stated.

“I’m not,” Kim replied.

“Okay then.”

Shego silently admitted that the landlord was a bit creepy, but she was certain that it was only because the woman was nosy. Actually, the building owner seemed to be stalking Shego and her pet; the raven-haired officer could not see the reason behind that, though. They were not so special, Shego convinced herself. They were not interesting at all in her opinion, mostly because she was so used to having a human being for a pet and for said pet to be eccentric by anyone’s standards. To her, it was not even as fascinating as it sounded. Her pet was just like any other pet, except that she could talk.

Her pet did mischievous things that got her scolded like other pets. Her pet brought home things that she did not want in the apartment. Her pet greeted her at the door and was happy being around her. Her pet enjoyed being pampered and cuddled. It was all normal pet behavior, so she did not see why the landlord was stuck on them.

(New Day)

Kim was exiting the apartment, as if she was sneaking out of the place. She checked the hall from the doorway. The coast was clear as far as she could tell. She tiptoed out of the apartment and quietly closed the door. She turned to make her getaway and ran right into the woman that she was attempting to avoid. Damn it, she silently cursed. The woman that she was looking to avoid was right in her face and it was not her mistress for once.

“Miss Crocket, hi,” Kim pretended to grin politely. She was actually a bit unnerved. She was starting to believe that the brunette woman could move through shadows or some other mystic action because of the way that she just seemed to appear out of thin air. Ninjas made more noise than that woman and she knew that to be a fact because she knew ninjas; hey, she could be classified as a ninja and she made more noise than the older woman.

“Good morning, Kim,” Miss Crocket smiled sweetly. It was a sickeningly sweet expression that made Kim’s skin crawl.

“Um….yeah,” the redhead said for lack of a better thing.

“It’s rather late in the morning for you to just be heading out. Won’t you be late for work?” Miss Crocket inquired. She was not sure if the petite hero was employed or not, but she figured that she was about to find out.

“No job,” Kim replied casually while trying her best to ease toward the stairs and escape the landlady without being blatant about her movements. She had never been so nervous around a person that could not harm her, but there was something about Miss Crocket that just was not right.

“No? Well, what do you do with your time?” the blue-eyed woman inquired, still speaking in her usual pleasant tone. She had been certain that Kim had no occupation at all, but she wondered why the girl always seemed to be in a rush when she saw her. The redhead was a strange one.

“A little of everything,” the elfish adventurer answered honestly while still inching her way toward those wonderful steps.

“Really? Sounds interesting. Maybe you can tell me about it,” Miss Crocket requested.

“I don’t really have the time,” Kim answered.

The slim explorer then turned to get away, but she had failed to notice how close she managed to make it to the stairs. She yelped as she went tumbling sideways down the staircase. She fell down all four flights and lay at the bottom of the stairs with a dazed look in her olive green eyes. Miss Crocket jogged down to dizzy scientist to make sure the young woman had not injured herself.

“Smooth move, Possible,” Kim berated herself mentally. She could not believe that she allowed that woman to bother her so deeply that she did not even see how close she was to some stairs. She was really off of her game thanks to the building owner.

“Kim, my goodness, are you all right?” Miss Crocket asked.

“Fine,” the slender student answered as she sat up and rubbed the back of her head.

“Here, let me help you up,” the landlady offered.

“No, I’ve got it,” Kim assured the older woman.

The eccentric hero climbed to her feet and caught a wince as she stood up right. Great, she had sprained her ankle slightly in that fall, just great. It should be all right as long as she did not do anything taxing on it, she figured. But then again, what were the odds of her not doing something taxing? She had better get going before she did something else incredibly stupid and really injure herself.

“Look, I’ve got to get going. See you later, Miss Crocket,” Kim said and she almost fled the scene, but she controlled herself and left in a civil manner. She walked with a bit of a limp, but she escaped out of the building. That woman really freaked her out.

Kim was actually starting to get annoyed with the polite landlady. She had never met someone so interested in her life; her parents were less intrusive than that woman was. Hell, she bet that spies were less intrusive. Miss Crocket always wanted to know where she going, where she was coming from, why she was leaving or coming in at the hour she did, if she had a job, how she made a living, who was she out with, what she was doing in Shego’s apartment by herself, and a billion other things that were far from her business. Damn it, her mistress did not ask a quarter of the questions that Miss Crocket asked.

Miss Crocket was still looking for evidence to tell her Kim’s relationship to Shego; more to the point, if Kim was, in fact, Shego’s sex slave, which was the big rumor around the building. Almost everyone talked about how the little redhead was the pale woman’s sex slave and all sorts of wild things that the pair did in and out of the apartment. Some of the things were so bizarre and disgusting that she was stunned that people would repeat them.

The landlady was not so sure about the major rumor or the things surrounding the rumor because all she had was that Kim wore a collar and lived with the green-skinned crank of an officer. Other than that, she concluded that Kim was just a very peculiar young woman with no job, yet she was always dashing in and out of the apartment. She did not rule out that the girl might be a sex slave or even a prostitute or something because of the rumors and the fact that Kim sometimes seemed to keep strange hours.

Shego was not as puzzling as Kim was, as far as Miss Crocket was concerned. She was a rude and bossy woman, who did order around the little redhead quite a bit. She thought that Shego treated Kim more like a badly behaved child than a sex slave. But, she still did not rule out the possibility because in her opinion, the rumor had to come from somewhere. Something that the pair did together had to give birth to the notion that they were in some kind of peculiar, kinky relationship. She was not sure how she could confirm their relationship to each other, though.

“Princess, is this a knot on your head?” Shego asked because she was caressing her pet’s scalp and she was running into a speed bump it seemed.

“Probably,” Kim answered as if it was nothing for her to have a lump on her skull.

“Well, how’d you probably get it?” the emerald-eyed woman inquired curiously.

“I fell down the stairs,” the redhead admitted while holding in a yawn. Getting her head caressed had to be a sin, she concluded, because it felt so damn good.

“What stairs?”

“The building stairs,” Kim answered.

“All of them?” the pale woman inquired. Part of her was saying that her pet was not dumb enough to fall down all of the front stairs and another part of her was saying that, of course, her pet fell down all the stairs because whenever Kim did something stupid, she had to do it all of the way stupid. Her pet did not believe in half-assed stupidity.

“Yup,” the olive-eyed female confirmed. See, her pet never did anything dumb halfway.

“How’d you manage that one?” Shego asked.

“I wasn’t watching where I was going,” the scientist confessed with a pout. She thought that maybe if she played it up, she might get some attention for being hurt.


“The creepy landlady was talking to me,” the redhead replied. Just thinking about that woman made her skin crawl.

The emerald-eyed martial artist frowned; she was really sick of Miss Crocket. The woman was constantly pestering her little monster; the brunette woman had quickly learned that bothering Shego only got rude words tossed her way, especially early in the morning, so she stopped bothering with the pale female. She was going to have to give that woman a nice-sized piece of her mind to keep her away from her munchkin.

So, the next day, when Shego was leaving for work and she knew that she was going to run into that nosy broad, she figured that she would give that blue-eyed bimbo a fair warning to keep her away from Kim. Just as she banked on, as soon as she stepped out of the door, she ran into Miss Crocket. The woman greeted the officer as she always did in the morning and she was probably surprised when Shego did not respond by giving her the finger; it was the first time that the action did not follow a greeting since they met.

“Miss Crocket, could I talk to you for a moment?” Shego requested as if she actually planned to be civil about the whole affair.

“Of course,” the building owner replied.

“Look, maybe you’re just trying to be friendly or maybe you’re trying to drive the kid nuts or maybe you’re just trying to murder her, I’m not sure which it is. I don’t really give a damn which it is to tell you the plain truth. I don’t know why you feel it necessary to grill her every fucking time she steps out of the fucking door, but cut that shit out. Stop trying to get into her business. She has shit to do and doesn’t need you holding her up,” the green-skinned woman stated. She was not sure how else to put it to make sure that there were no misunderstandings. She wanted Miss Crocket to stay the hell away from her pet.

“Excuse me?” Miss Crocket said in a very insulted tone. How dare Shego take such a tone with her!

“Leave the kid the fuck alone,” the super-powered woman clarified herself even more so than before.

“You claim she has things to do, like what? She doesn’t even have a job,” the landlady countered as if that was an excuse for her behavior to continue.

“No, doy, she doesn’t have a job. She’s got a billion jobs. She’s doing about a hundred times more than the both of us combined, so she’s always in a rush. Stop bothering her and let her do her thing. And just for the record, even if she didn’t have a job, that doesn’t give you any right to hold her up,” the pale woman riposted.

“What does it matter if I talk to her? You don’t have control over her. Unless she’s your little sister or something,” the blue-eyed woman retorted.

“Look, she’s my fucking responsibility, so when you make her late, it pisses me off. When you distract her already jumbled mind and she falls down a flight of stairs, it pisses me off. So, leave her the fuck alone. You’re not doing her any good,” the raven-haired female stated plainly.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve talking to me like that,” Miss Crocket said with some anger in her voice. She could buy and sell Shego’s pasty green ass if she felt like it.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve sticking your pointed nose where it doesn’t belong. So, fuck off,” the officer replied.

“You know I could have you thrown out of here anytime I get the urge,” the landlord declared.

If Shego was not so irked at the moment, she would have smirked at the statement and laughed at it like the joke it was. She just rolled her emerald eyes, though, because it was all she could do to show amusement while being so bothered. She could not believe that the Texan had just tried to threaten her with something so flimsy.

“I’d like to see you try,” she dared the older woman.

“You think because you’re a police officer you can do anything you want,” Miss Crocket said.

“No, that’s not it. That’s far from the reason. You’ll find out pretty easily why you’d need a lot of clout to get me thrown out on the streets in this city. But, feel free to try. It should keep you from bothering the kid for a while and I don’t have to worry about the little moron falling down anymore stairs and getting knots on her empty head,” Shego remarked.

The pale officer then walked off to get to work; since she was already so annoyed, she did not need her boss in her ass for being late. She hoped that her landlady did leave Kim alone and she also wished that the woman would attempt to throw her out without a very good reason. That would be a nice, time-consuming battle, not to mention a losing effort on Miss Crocket’s end. Shego, while being a bitch by any measure, had done the city a lot of good since she joined Doctor Director’s department and many city officials recognized that, especially since she had saved a majority of their hides at least once. Besides, there were worse fates than dealing with Shego if they did allow her to be kicked out. There was the chance of having to deal with her mother and no one wanted that horrible fate.

Kim stuck her head out of the apartment. She glanced up the hall and then she glanced down the hall, which was being a habit of hers. The coast looked clear, which she knew was how it always looked. She crept out of the apartment and she shut the door as silently as humanly possible. She turned around and was surprised to see that no one was there. She rubbed her head in a puzzled manner and then shrugged. She decided to not chance things and was about to go out one of the hall windows when she was halted.

“Good morning, Kim,” Miss Crocket greeted her.

The petite scientist turned and saw that the older woman was smiling at her. The redhead forced out a smile of her own; she knew that it was just too good to be true. She was never going to make it out of the apartment without being stopped by that woman ever again.

“Good morning,” Kim forced the words out, managing to sound polite, even though she was irked and unnerved. How did the woman just appear out of nowhere like that? It was so creepy.

“You’re headed out earlier than usual. Running some errands?” the Texan woman guessed.

“Trying not to be late,” the redhead answered.

“For what?”


“Oh, so you go to school. What are you studying?” the landlord inquired.

“A little bit of everything,” Kim replied and she was only slightly exaggerating her point. She was studying all kinds of things now that she did not feel any pressure about what she do career wise. “I gotta get going,” she said and she dashed off before the woman could say anything else.

Miss Crocket bid farewell to Kim’s back pretty much. She thought on what she just learned. All right, so the girl claimed to be in school, but she was still walking around in that dog collar. She kept strange hours for a school kid too. She also did not seem particularly bright for a school kid.

The building owner wanted to know what was going on and she obviously was not going to let Shego intimidate her from finding out. She did think that Shego’s behavior added to her leaning toward something foul going on between her and Kim; it seemed apparent to Miss Crocket that Shego did not want her poking around. It was more than likely because she had something to hide, the blue-eyed woman concluded. Well, she would find out soon and resolve the issues because she just would not stand for having perverts in her building.

Next time: the return of…Junior.

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