The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Fifty-seven

What if


1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 31 - 32 - 33 - 34 - 35 - 36 - 37 - 38 - 39 - 40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46 - 47 - 48 - 49 - 50 - 51 - 52 - 53 - 54 - 55 - 56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60

TITLE: What if

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise. I also don’t own Gulliver’s Travels.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Note: Warning, there are three chapters left.

Words: 4732

Shego caressing her pet.

Throughout my life I’ve met some very silly bastards. I’ve done some things with these silly bastards that I’m not really proud of. I wouldn’t say I’m ashamed, but I’m definitely not proud of them. Most of them get the hint that I don’t like them after I start cursing them out or beating them up or shit like that. But, not all of them take the hint, especially the so-called “geniuses” on this list of people. Why won’t this stupid, fucking ass take the damn hint? Does he want me to just kill him and be done with it?

Kim was annoyed. She was trying to take care of a gash on her calf while someone, some maniac as far as she was concerned, was pounding on the apartment door as if there was some dire emergency going on. She could almost envision some Lilliputian at the door hollering, “There’s a giant on the beach!” (1) with the panic and wild rhythm that the person had on going on the door. She limped out of the bathroom to answer the door without bothering to ask who it was. She was going to have to learn to stop doing that, she scolded herself when she saw who was at the door.

Before Kim, there stood one Doctor D. Drakken Lipsky. He was looking as cerulean as ever and still sporting his dark blue jumpsuit that she assumed he had a patent on since that was about the only thing that he ever wore. His black eyes were just as beady and cold as she remembered them. He was holding a bouquet of flowers, but it did not seem as if he asked for help when he was buying them because they did not seem to go together. They also did not look like the flowers a person in his position would buy, namely someone showing up at his ex’s front door more than likely looking to make amends. He also had a poodle with him for reasons that were beyond the redhead.

“Can I help you?” Kim asked, as if she could not guess what he wanted.

“Where’s Shego? Shego!” Drakken bellowed into the apartment, just like old times. He even tried to push by Kim, but she was no longer obligated to let him in the place because he was no one to her mistress. So, she stood her ground and refused to let him into the apartment.

“She’s not here,” Kim replied.

“Shego!” he called again, still trying to get by her. He obviously did not believe her that Shego was not home, but then again, he never believed her when she told him that. She did not see why he thought that she would waste her time lying about something like that.

“She’s not here,” the hero repeated in a deadpan tone. Could he get any dumber and ruder? She doubted it.

“Then where is she?” he demanded to know in an extremely rude tone. Had she been a lesser soul, she would have slammed the door in his face already and called it a day since he did not have any business there. But, she was not that mean…yet. It could all change if he continued on acting the way that he was.

“Work probably,” the girl answered in a tone that implied she believed he was a moron.

“And what are you doing here?” he inquired as if she was supposed to be somewhere else. The girl was probably still a little lazy leech, he thought. She was probably sucking Shego dry financially, being undoubtedly unemployed and probably not seeking employment in any way, shape, or form.

“What the hell business is that of yours?” Shego demanded to know, catching Drakken’s and Kim’s attention.

The pair turned to see Shego standing at the foot of the stairs. The pale woman wanted to know what the hell Drakken was doing at their apartment with a dog no less and a handful of disgusting flowers. She also wanted to know why he was talking to Kim like that. It was not as if he was someone important that she owed information to, so he needed to mind his manner. Unfortunately, he did not seem to have any manners to mind.

“Shego,” Drakken said with a smile and he turned his attention to her, ready to work his magic on her. Well, the magic that he believed he possessed.

“What the hell are you even doing here?” Shego inquired as she walked over to the door. She ushered Kim behind her, letting the redhead know that she could go do whatever it was that she was doing before the cerulean scientist showed up.

Kim stayed where she was, curious as to just what the hell the onyx-eyed male was doing at the door. She was also curious as to how her mistress was going to handle things. She doubted that Shego was even going to listen to the guy, even though she seemed to have a weakness for the blue bastard a year ago. Kim was pretty sure that all of that was out of her owner’s system, though.

“I’m going to be in town for a little while since I have some time off and I came to see you. I bought these for you,” Drakken said while presenting Shego with the bouquet.

The moss-hued woman accepted the flowers without a word. Kim was shocked that her mistress would do such a thing considering the fact that the older woman hated flowers. Shego then did something that she had wanted to do to flowers since the first time some jackass ever gave her such a gift, she set the bouquet ablaze right in front of Drakken’s face. He looked absolutely crushed by her actions and as bad as it might have sounded, she was satisfied by his reaction.

“I hope the dog’s not for me too,” Shego remarked with a sinister smirk and it took him a moment to get what she was saying. The dog cringed in his arms and tried to hide in someway from the frightening woman.

“No! No, Commodore Puddles is mine,” he assured her.

“What the hell did you buy a dog for?” she asked curiously, even though she knew that she was not going to like the answer because it was going to be stupid. After all, he never showed any interest in animals, but now he had a dog and now that she thought about it, she wondered how he could possibly take care of a pet. She knew all about the work and care that went into owning a pet and she doubted that he could provide any of it.

“Well, I thought that your dog could use the company,” he answered honestly.

Shego just stared at Drakken as if he had two heads; Kim had a similar look on her face. Such a thing would probably have been an improvement with him, she thought. Kim was also just gawking at the other scientist. He made engineers look really bad, the redhead thought because he seemed to be almost a complete and total imbecile. Shego decided to just tell the loopy bastard the truth and hope that she would never have to see him again.

“Drakken, I don’t own a dog. I haven’t owned a dog since I was like six. I actually hate dogs. I hate animals,” the pale woman admitted.

“But, the dog—” Drakken tried to say. He was trying to refer to the dog that was at her apartment back when he had come over and Junior was at the apartment. Leonardo had been there also and the dog had not liked Drakken very much, but that was neither here nor there.

“Wasn’t mine,” she interjected. “Didn’t you think it was weird that you only saw the mutt once?” she inquired and he seemed to ignore the question. The ladies guessed that the question was too relevant for him to take notice of.

“Well, you had a cat,” he said. He thought that she loved animals to have two pets and he thought that if he had a dog, then it would help bring them closer. He figured that he would be able to mend the break in their relationship by showing her that he could care for animals too. Honestly, he liked having the dog, but Commodore Puddles was a lot of work too and he had not thought of that. But, he figured that once he and Shego got back together, she could help him take care of the canine.

“I never had a cat. I hate them more than dogs,” the emerald-eyed female informed her former boyfriend.


“Calm down, slugger. I’ll explain it all,” Shego said. She figured that once she got through with everything, he would go away because he would understand that they were never getting back together. She clearly had too much faith in his brain to comprehend what she was about to go through.

Kim wondered if her mistress meant by saying that she would explain it all. Would she really explain everything to Drakken? It probably would be a good way to get rid of him, which was what Shego was thinking. She really never wanted to see him again and she wanted to take away any and all excuses that he might have to show up at her door again. So, she was going to fill in the blanks for him and then slam the door in his face.

“I never had a cat or dog. I made it up because the pet I had here was a little unconventional. I didn’t want anybody to know who my real pet was,” Shego told the cerulean scientist.

“Your real pet?” he echoed.

Shego put arm around Kim’s waist. Most people probably would have gotten the hint as the pale woman pulled the redhead close to her, but Drakken still needed it spelled out for him in big, broad letters. He did not understand the action, but he knew that it made him a bit angry because it seemed like a rather intimate gesture.

“She was my pet,” the raven-haired officer informed him while nodding toward the smaller female in her grip.

“Your cousin was your pet?” he asked in a confused tone.

“She’s not my cousin, you fucking ass,” Shego sighed. How could someone so smart be so incredibly stupid? It was like he was playing around sometimes with the way that he acted because he just could not be that idiotic. It could not be possible for someone to be so clueless.

“I don’t understand,” he confessed while looking back between the two of them and he was clearly baffled. He wished that Shego would take her arm from around that girl. It was rather upsetting for him that her limb was where it was.

“Okay, I’ll make it perfectly simple for you, you fucking moron. There’s no way in all of heaven or hell that I will get back together with you. I’m not going to bother explaining why, but here’s a hint, I love Kim with all my heart and soul. She’s my girlfriend. Simple as that. Buh-bye now,” Shego stated.

“But—” he tried to object.

“Nah-uh, buh-bye,” Shego repeated and she slammed the door in his face. That felt surprisingly good, better than she had assumed it would anyway.

Drakken was stunned, as was Kim. The redhead just stood by the door as she was released and Shego was about to go deeper into the apartment. She noticed that the girl was just standing there, so she turned to Kim to see if something was wrong.

“Pumpkin, is there a problem?” Shego inquired.

“You called me your girlfriend. You said I was your pet and I am your girlfriend,” Kim answered.

The pale woman craned an eyebrow. She had said girlfriend, she realized. She said that Kim had been her pet, as in the past tense. Now, in the present, Kim had become her girlfriend, her lover in every sense of the word. She was just that and there was no way around the mental slip now. She loved Kim, Kim was her lover, and sure she took care of Kim, but she did that out of habit and because she wanted to.

“Don’t get all mushy on me, Kimmie,” Shego remarked, trying to downplay the situation.

The olive-eyed girl could not help it. She was just so touched. She dashed over to Shego, despite the agony coursing through her injured calf, and she embraced the older woman. Shego smiled, even though she was trying to act like she was irked. She leaned down and gently kissed the petite hero pressed against her.

“I told you not to get mushy on me,” the green-skinned female whispered once the kiss was done.

“I like getting mushy on you,” the younger woman answered.

“I noticed. I guess it’s all right for you to get mushy on me,” Shego conceded.

Kim smiled a bit and went in for another kiss. The super-powered female held Kim in her arms as they exchanged kisses. She pressed the redhead to her and told herself that the girl was so much more than a pet. She was even more than a lover. Shego did not know a word for what Kim was, but the petite hero was a precious treasure to her. Her most precious treasure.

“Kimmie,” Shego said.

“Yeah?” Kim asked.

“You know you’re my everything, right?” the pale woman inquired while caressing the adventurer’s thigh.

“Now, who’s getting mushy?” the redheaded scholar teased.

“It’s your fault. You’re the one hugging me and everything.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s always my fault. You know, you’re my everything too,” Kim confessed with a bit of a smile.

“I’d better be. I’m the one feeding, clothing, and sexing you,” Shego remarked.

Kim could not help laughing at that. She guessed that now that she was a girlfriend and that was great. She supposed that she did not have to see Shego as her mistress anymore. That might take some time to get used to, especially since she knew that Shego was would still act like she was the mistress because was just how the pale woman was. Shego was still the boss, even if she was not the master of a pet anymore. Oh well, at least she had moved up in the world, she thought.

“All right, let me go, so I can go take a shower. I had a busy day,” Shego said.

Kim complied and released the raven-haired female. See, Shego was still the boss. The redhead seemed to forget that she had been doing something before the disturbance had occurred and limped toward the living room. The green-skinned female noticed the hobble immediately.

“Kimmie, what happened to your leg?” Shego inquired and then she looked down to see the still bleeding wound on Kim’s calf.

“Oh, yeah!” Kim laughed. “I was trying to take care of that before Drakken showed up,” she replied.

“And why is that funny?”

“I forgot about it.”

“Obviously. Come on, let me take care of that for you,” Shego said.

Kim did not argue and she followed her girlfriend, she smiled as that word came to mind, to the bathroom. The redhead sat down on the edge of the tub while the pale woman cleaned the wound, even though Kim had already done that. The olive-eyed girl did wince as her love applied the antiseptic on the cut.

“Stop being such a baby. If you can’t take it, you shouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Shego teased as she pulled out a bandaged to cover the injury.

“You should do that with a more caring hand,” Kim countered.

“Why should I? I don’t care,” Shego stated.

“Oh, so it’s some other redhead that’s your everything and that you love with all your heart and soul?” the younger woman remarked with a sly smile.

“Considering I don’t have a heart and soul, it means I don’t really love you at all,” the emerald-eyed woman taunted the hero and then she hit Kim’s wound.

“Ow!” the scholar hissed in pain.

“Stop being such a baby. Now, you’re done with, so get out. I want to take a shower now,” the apartment owner announced.

“I could take one with you,” Kim offered.

“Tempting, but no.”

Kim pouted. “You don’t want my company?”

“I’m not up to the activity that comes with your company right now.”

“But, I could do everything,” the redhead offered.

“Tempting, but still no,” Shego replied and she caressed the top of Kim’s head. “I just want to take a really hot shower and relax.”

“Okay. Would a backrub help you relax?”

“It always does, but legitimate.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Kim asked.

“I’m just looking to relax for the moment and forget that that idiot was just at our home,” Shego answered.

Kim nodded to show that she understood and she exited the bathroom. The officer took a shower and washed away everything that happened that day. She hoped that she did not have to see Drakken ever again.

She could not believe that she had ever been interested in that asshole, but she guessed it made sense. She had always just been happy for someone willing to be with her, despite the issues that she came with and he was willing. But, she did not have to settle for him. She did not have to settle for someone that she did not love in return or someone that truly did not understand what it meant to love someone.

She did not have to settle for someone with the emotional capabilities of a nine-year-old boy. She had someone who loved her for who she was and who understood how to love her. Sure, that someone acted a bit goofy, but it was more an act than anything else. She regretted that it took her so long to figure that out.

After her shower and reflecting, Shego went out to the living room where Kim was waiting for her. The redhead had everything set up for the rubdown, which made it highly unlikely that things would remain “legitimate.” The scented candles and oils had a way of making sure things went the way that Kim wanted them to.

As Shego laid on the floor for the massage, she thought about how she would have missed out on such things had she stupidly married Drakken. She would have missed out on so much had she married Drakken and now that she thought about, she wondered what her monster would have done had she married the cerulean scientist. What would Kim have done?

“Hey, Princess,” Shego said in a low voice.

“Hmmm?” Kim asked, focusing on her task of working on the pale woman’s tense shoulder blades.

“What if I had picked Drakken? What would you have done? Would you have let me go or would you have fought for me?”

Kim thought on it for a moment. “I don’t know. The main thing is if you’re happy. If you were happy with him, I guess would’ve let you go. It’s not like I could make you feel the same about me if you didn’t. I know that.”

“So, you would’ve just let him win?” the emerald-eyed woman asked in disbelief. She did not think that her pet would have given up so easily, not from what she knew about her little monster. She bet that after a while, Kim would have gotten frustrated and just vented it all on her one day.

“It was up to you. You’re the one that had to pick the winner and if you had picked him, I would’ve resented the hell out of it, but I would’ve respected your decision.”

“Even if it made both of us miserable?”

“Sometimes, we’ve got to live with the shitty choices we make in life,” the redhead answered.

Shego could agree with that. She supposed that it was a good thing she had come to her senses. She could have lost Kim forever, which would have easily made marrying Drakken the worst decision she had ever made in her life. Usually she had to make the mistake before learning from it, but she was thankful that that had not happened that time around.

Shego thought on her decision throughout the day, even though the massage was relaxing and it had not been legitimate in any way. She had more than the right decision by choosing her munchkin. Maybe it had been the best decision of her life, rivaled only by the one that she had made when she decided to invite the little maniac into her house all those years back.

By the end of the night, when they were both resting in bed, the pale woman was thinking about it somewhat. She was just reveling in the fact that she made the right choice. She would have gone mad without her little monster by her side. Kim was thinking about if Shego had chosen Drakken too and she disliked what was coming to mind.

The redhead was resting on top of Shego, straddling her. She had her head tucked underneath Shego’s chin. The pale woman’s hands were on her back and her hands were at Shego’s side. Kim wondered if she really would have just given up the woman lying underneath her. Could she have even gone on living without what Shego provided her with? It felt like the universe would not have been able to continue if she could not be with Shego.

She had thought that she knew what love was like, but what she felt for Shego was something she felt exclusively for the green-skinned woman. There was no way in hell that she would have just let Shego go, she realized. Maybe for a little while she would have tried to convince herself that things were better if they were apart, but she would have eventually tracked Shego down and done everything in her power to get the woman back. She would have chased Shego to the ends of the Earth and then some to get her back in her life.

It just would not have been possible for her to let go of the understanding that Shego offered her, the comfort that the older woman gave her. Shego made her feel special in a way that no other person could and she just could not let that go. She needed the connection that they had. She needed Shego.

Shego understood that considering the fact that she knew that she needed Kim for a long time now. Kim also made her feel special and she did not even understand why she would consider leaving that behind for Drakken. He could not make her feel a fraction of what the little redhead on top of her made her feel, even on his best day. Kim felt like a blessing.

“I guess every now and then, fate comes through for even me,” Shego muttered.

“Hmm?” Kim asked because she heard the elder female speaking, but not what she said.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Drakken was incredulous. He could not believe that Shego, his Shego, was with that empty-headed, lazy girl that he could have sworn was her cousin. He refused to believe that Shego could do something like that; namely, he did not believe that she would be in a relationship with a woman, especially Kim. And besides, was Kim not supposed to be her cousin? It was a fact that he was very much stuck on and so it did not make any sense.

It was difficult for Drakken to get an idea out of his mind after it was there for a while. So, in his mind, Kim was still Shego’s cousin because that seed had been planted in his mind many years ago. He figured that Shego was lying to him for some reason about her current relationship with the girl. There was just no way that Shego would be in a homosexual relationship with her own cousin. That was just disgusting in so many, many ways.

Shego was not that type of woman, Drakken assured himself. Sure, she was mean, cranky, and a few other things, but she would never commit incest with her female cousin. He was sure that.

He was not sure why she would tell such lies to him, but he was certain that she was lying to him. After all, how could she suddenly be a lesbian after she had been with him for so long? After caring about him for so long? She just could not be telling the truth; she had been with him too many years to just suddenly be gay.

It did not occur to him that Shego could possibly have always been gay and just tried to ignore it; Shego had not even thought of that one. Then there was always the chance that Shego was bisexual, but that did not register to him because he did not even really know what bisexual was. That thought would have been too much for his limited mind.

The cerulean scientist was not aware of the world as other people, so he did not realize that there were people on the planet that were bisexual. In his mind, there two things, which were a right thing and a wrong thing. Being straight was right to him, mostly because that was what he was. To him, anything that he was happened to be correct and whatever he was not happened to be wrong because that was how he understood the world. So, in his opinion, being stupid was wrong, being gay was wrong, and just about everything else in the world was wrong.

In plainer terms, he was not accepting that Shego did not want to come back to him. He knew that Shego loved him. She had even considered marrying him, but that stupid girl had more than likely screwed that whole thing up somehow. That girl had done something to Shego to make her break off their engagement, he was certain of that. Oh, he thoroughly despised that lazy girl because of whatever tricks it was that she was working on his Shego.

He just refused to believe that Shego was in a relationship with Kim because when he added things up, it did not make sense to him; surprise, surprise there. He was not sure why Shego was lying about everything, but he was not going to accept it. He was going to get Shego back and hopefully talk her into leaving Go City with him once his vacation time was up. After all, she had been close to leaving with him before. She had been ready to marry him before. So, there was something between them and he was certain that he could get her back.

The so-called genius considered the one thing that might present problems in his winning Shego back, Kim would more than likely get in his way. After all, she was a pest first of all. He blamed Kim for the fact that Shego broke their engagement and broke up with him. He was not sure how she did it, but he knew that she did it. Any problems that they had were Kim’s fault in his opinion because he knew that he had not done anything wrong. Everything was that kid’s fault because she should not have been there. She was grown and needed to stop mooching off of Shego. He would liberate Shego from that little leech and then everything would be all right.

Well, the first step to freeing Shego would be working out a plan. He went to the desk in his hotel room and started writing out what he wanted to do. He ignored Commodore Puddles, who was scratching at the door because he wanted to go for a walk. Drakken never seemed to understand the gesture anyway.

Next time: Drakken looks to liberate his Shego from that little leech. How does he do it?

(1): The line comes from Gulliver’s Travels when Gulliver is found on the beach.

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 31 - 32 - 33 - 34 - 35 - 36 - 37 - 38 - 39 - 40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46 - 47 - 48 - 49 - 50 - 51 - 52 - 53 - 54 - 55 - 56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60