The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Five



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AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise. Disney gets one and Yayoi Ogawa gets the other.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4502

Shego caressing her pet.

I hate thinking it, but I guess it’s okay to think it since no one can witness it, but I’ve never felt like this about someone. I’ve never loved someone like I love her; I’ve never wanted to take care of someone like I do her; I’ve never wanted someone to be happy like I do her. I know I love her in some way and I’m considering that I love her in some kind of romantic sense, so I want to give her what she wants, namely me. But, for some reason, I couldn’t do it when I tried before, but I’m going to try again because I have to.

Shego sat at her computer at working, minding her own business as far as she was concerned. She was not exactly doing work in any sense of the word, but she would argue that was only because she had not been given anything to do, if she found herself questioned on her actions anyway. She doubted that anyone would say anything to her, though. At least she was not attempting to interact with her co-workers or something worse, which was something everyone could appreciate.

“Nice hotel,” Betty commented from behind Shego.

Anybody else would have been surprised by the boss’ sudden appearance and would have jumped from being startled undoubtedly. Other people probably would have also attempted to cover up the fact that they were not doing something work-related at work, but Shego was not like most other people. The pale woman continued on as if she was not doing anything wrong. She did not even have the courtesy to change her bored expression.

“It doesn’t say if they have a pool or not,” the green-skinned officer muttered in response. She knew that her friend would not give a damn that she was not doing something work-related because she could always be doing something worse. There were good things about being the office crank; it made her semi-bad behavior look good in comparison to things that she could be doing that were worse.

“Going somewhere?” the chief asked curiously. She noted that her employee appeared bored, so she was thankful that Shego had found something to do with her time other than complain about something.

“Maybe,” the emerald-eyed female replied.

“With the little brat?” Betty continued on, even though it seemed like her employee did not want to talk to her.


“You’re just not going to let me in on this one, huh?” the one-eyed woman figured from the two non-committal and deadpanned answers that she had just received.

“If I need the vacation time, maybe. If I don’t, then there’s nothing to talk about,” the younger woman reported with a slight shrug.

“Sure there is. There’s always something to talk about, like why are you trying to go on vacation?” the chief inquired.

“To mind my business probably,” Shego remarked calmly.

“Somebody’s getting bitchy for no reason,” the boss countered in the same tone.

“I’ll tell you later,” Shego said in a dismissive tone that let her friend know that she was more than likely lying.

“Yeah, just keep up the hard work,” Doctor Director commented sarcastically.

The pale officer only made a motion with her hand and then the chief decided to leave her employee to her own devices. She counted herself lucky that the green-skinned woman was not “bothering” anyone; the definition of bothering changed greatly when Shego and someone else around the office was concerned. She also knew that if she had something for her younger friend to do, she could throw it the super-powered woman’s way and Shego would accept it. As long as the emerald-eyed female was prepared to do work in the end, everything was all right.

Shego continued to search through hotels, but nothing was catching her eye. She was starting to believe that she had either visited all of the worthwhile places or the cosmos was trying to tell her something. She figured rather than assuming the universe was trying to warn her about something, she could just go back to some place that she enjoyed instead of trying some place new. She should be comfortable for the trip, after all; yes, things would undoubtedly work out best if she was as comfortable as possible. Well, if that was the case, then she knew where she should go.

(New day)

“Pumpkin,” Shego said. She was relaxing on the sofa and her pet was resting with her head in her lap. The older woman was caressing her little monster’s scalp; it was soothing for both parties involved.

“Hmm?” Kim replied in a dazed tone. She was now a slave to having her head rubbed, she realized. She would do just about anything to get Shego to caress her head and then when it finally happened, she tuned most things out. It was just a very comforting thing and she had not known that until she became a pet.

“You’re going to need to pack,” Shego informed her lazy munchkin.

“Pack? We’re going somewhere?” Kim asked with an enthusiastic grin. She was going to sit up, but that would mean that her scalp would no longer be being caress and she just was not ready for that to come to an end.

“Yeah,” the master confirmed.


“It’s a surprise. Just pack beach gear.”

“We’re going to the beach?” the redhead asked with a broad smile.

“Yes, we’re going to the beach,” Shego answered while shaking her head. Her girl was just too amusing sometimes.

“Spanking!” Kim cheered. “When do we leave?”

“Friday and we’ll stay for three days. Okay?”

“Yeah!” Kim grinned. Of course it was okay with her. Three whole days with her master in some place that she would get to see her mistress in a bikini, so yeah, it was okay. Okay was putting it mildly. It was freaking awesome.

“Glad you’re happy,” Shego remarked and she meant that. She enjoyed seeing her girl truly smile that big and knowing that she was the reason made her feel warm inside.

“So…is it okay for me to have a fantasy now?” the slender hero inquired, as if she really required her mistress’ permission to get lost in her own mind. She knew that her owner would find that amusing, though.

“Just don’t drool on me while doing it,” the pale woman commented with a small smile.

Kim smiled too and closed her eyes, actually intent on going to sleep and not fantasizing about her curvy master. Shego thought that her pet was getting lost in her own x-rated mind because she knew that her girl did that from time to time. Whenever she was being told about them, she usually stopped her little monster once she got to the main fetish in the fantasy, which was typically whipped cream, chocolate syrup, or honey. It seemed that all her pet thought about was food and sex; she did not see how her little elf got around to saving the world. She never did believe that her pet was actually getting laid, even though she seemed to think so much about sex.

“Such a little pervert,” the pale woman seemed to comment out of the blue.

Your little pervert,” Kim corrected her owner in a mumble.

“That you are,” the older woman concurred and she had better always be hers. She was not about to let her pet go for anyone or anything now.

“Hey, want to know what I was thinking about?” the redhead asked just to tease her mistress. She had not really been thinking about anything because she had been trying to go to sleep, but now, she was looking to play around since she had been called a pervert.

“Did it involve syrup, ice cream, whipped cream, fruit, or toys that I won’t even allow in this house?” the raven-haired female countered.

“None of the above, surprisingly enough.”

“That is a surprise. Okay, lay it on me.”

“There was you and me,” Kim started. It seemed innocent enough in the beginning, but they all seemed that way only one sentence in.

“Big surprise there,” Shego commented sarcastically.

“And I had my hand here,” the adventurer continued and she demonstrated by putting her hand on Shego’s breast. The hand was immediately removed and that was expected, but Kim pouted anyway.

“Keep dreaming, kiddo,” Shego said.

Kim laughed a bit, causing her master to crane a curious eyebrow. The redhead then shot up from her resting place and kissed her mistress. Shego was very much caught off guard by the attack; she did not even know what was going on completely until she felt a warm sensation sneaking passed her lips and invading her mouth. The sensation was Kim’s tongue, which eagerly explored Shego’s mouth.

The pale woman moaned in delight and did not notice what else was happening as she settled into enjoying the pleasure brought on by the kiss. Kim’s hand crept back to where she desired it to be, except now it was inside of her owner’s tee-shirt. Her fingers sought out the enchanting treasure that remained hidden from her like the secrets of the universe. But, the journey was thwarted.

“Pumpkin,” Shego said.

“Yeah?” Kim replied.

“Do you want a spanking?” It was supposed to be a threat.

“Do you really want me to answer that one?”

“Move your filthy hand before you regret it,” the emerald-eyed woman commanded.

“But, it’s happy there,” Kim replied and to prove her point, she squeezed just a little bit to get a better feel of her master’s forbidden goods. She was not feeling flesh as she wanted to because the older woman’s bra was in the way. Damn bra, the redhead silently huffed.

“Do you think it’ll be happy burned clean off your wrist too?” Shego inquired.

Kim pouted again and pulled her hand back out of the shirt. Shego then pushed her naughty pet off of the sofa for being such a bad girl. The redhead yelped as she landed and then she sat up. She grinned sheepishly at Shego; Kim supposed that it was just hard for her to do real shame while she was in the safety of the apartment, if only she was like that on the outside world too.

The slim hero did think that she had just made a pretty good try at her mistress. She hoped that she would get a better chance on their weekend getaway. She would do so many things if given the chance and she figured that the trip would be the best place to start.

Anyway, why else would they be going on a weekend getaway? It had to be to get it on, or so was Kim’s hope. With luck, Shego would be able to relax and if she was able to relax, perhaps she would allow the anxious redhead to really play with her. It was not like Kim was looking to do anything degrading to her master; she just wanted to make love to the older woman all night long. She only desired to give the pale woman pleasure unknown until the sun came up. She only wished to make Shego cry tears of pure ecstasy as she rode wave after wave of unfathomable bliss. Kim realized that she was working herself up just thinking about it.

“Hey, do you want to know what I was just thinking?” Kim asked with a small smile on her because she knew her question was not going to fly.

“No,” Shego answered plainly while standing up.

“Come on! It involved—” Kim was cut off before she could get into anything.

“I don’t want to know,” the green-skinned female stated plainly.

“Spoil sport,” the younger woman moped.

“Sounds like someone here wants to be alone in the apartment for the weekend,” Shego countered.

“I’ll be good,” Kim squeaked.

(New day)

Kim grinned as she entered the hotel suite with her master. She dropped her duffle bag and back pack on the carpeted floor of the elegant looking room. She then charged the bed, which was made up nicely, leaped into the air, did a flip, and belly-flopped onto the single, large bed in the hotel room. The perfect spread was now wrinkled thanks to Kim.

Shego sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose because of her pet’s immature behavior. A weekend full of her hyperactive monster seemed like an overwhelming thought, even though she had done it before; not to mention, they did live together. It still seemed like it was going to be irksome because of the way that her pet had started the day, but she knew that the level of annoyance was more on her than on Kim. Her elf was going to act as she always did, so she was either going to take it as she usually did or she was going to let it work her nerves and ruin everything. She would rather the former to the latter because it was a vacation. Besides, she liked it when Kim acted goofy most of the time.

“All right, Pumpkin, time to lay down some ground rules,” Shego declared, which got her pet’s attention.

“Rules? But, this is a vacation!” Kim whined. It was not much of a vacation for her if there was going to be rules; although it would give her many things to break now and establish that she was going to be naughty for the most part.

“I know, but if I don’t set any rules, you’ll keep jumping on the bed,” the pale woman pointed out and her little brat was doing just that.

“So, I can’t jump on the bed?” the redhead asked. She was getting some good lift on the mattress and doing some good somersaults.

“No,” her master answered plainly.

“No problem!” Kim saluted to show that she understood and she halted her movements for the moment.

“There will be other rules, though,” Shego informed her girl.

“Like what?” Kim asked curiously as she crossed her legs on the bed and held onto her ankles to show that she was listening.

“No reptiles or any other animals in the room.”

Kim sighed; she wanted to shout that her mistress was no fun. They were currently located on a tropical island that had a vibrant fauna population, especially when it came to snakes. She would not mind collecting a few reptiles, but she did guess that that defeated the purpose of being on vacation. But, that would be the good thing about being a herpetologist; work was anywhere there were cold-blooded creatures and it was fun to do. She could work almost anywhere and enjoyed that.

“You’re not to touch the mini-bar,” Shego continued on with the rules.

“Not even for candy?” Kim asked in disbelief.

“No, not even for candy. Do you have any idea how much that shit costs?”

“Actually, no, I don’t,” the redhead admitted.

Kim had only stayed in a hotel a few times and those times were because she used to do the cheerleading thing. Whenever her family went out on vacation, they had family members that they could stay with or they rented a villa. When she went places on her own, she stayed wherever because she did not mind sleeping anywhere. So, the price of things in hotels was not a part of her general knowledge.

“If you wake up before me, do not make any noise,” Shego kept going with the laws of the room. That one was given because it was rule at home, but they never had to worry about it because Kim never woke up first.

“Gotcha,” the pet answered with another salute.

“Don’t spoon me in bed.”

“Come on!” the redhead argued adamantly. It was like her master was trying to take the fun out of everything. What was the point in sharing a bed if she could not curl up next to her mistress?

“I hate that because most of the time when I wake up, you’re like drenched on me and cutting off all the blood flow to my arms and legs,” the green-skinned female explained.

“Fine, no spooning,” the slender hero conceded with an upset look on her face.

Kim folded her arms across her chest and huffed a bit. She did have a bad habit of resting completely on her mistress in her sleep when it started out that she was just curled up against the older woman. It generally happened when Shego slept on her side for some reason. If Shego slept on her back, Kim usually just ended up making herself comfortable on her owner’s chest. Maybe that was the problem when Shego slept on her side, Kim considered; maybe she was trying to make it to her master’s chest, but she could not and that was why she ended up practically laying on top of her mistress.

“I’m serious,” the emerald-eyed woman said because she did not think that her munchkin was going to abide by the rule of not spooning her. It was horrible to wake up with no feeling in her limbs because she had a hundred pound weight draped on her.

“I won’t!” the eccentric adventurer insisted and she flung her hands up in defeat. “Anything else you want to take from me?” she asked with her mouth turned up to show that she was displeased with the rules.

“Do you really what an answer to that?” the pale woman countered.

Kim wisely did not answer that question because she was certain that her master would be able to come up with a million laws under the right conditions. She wondered what kind of vacation they were going to have with all of those rules in place. She had been looking forward to just a relaxed mistress, who would allow her to make love to her for the entire stay. But, she guessed that was just a dream. She probably should have guessed as much, she figured.

“So, what are we doing first?” Kim asked curiously since she was almost certain getting naked would not be on the list.

“Nothing you’re thinking about,” Shego replied.

“Are you sure? My idea involves lots of screaming,” the redhead remarked with a small, lecherous smile.

“Don’t tempt me or I’ll have an idea that involves lots of screaming,” the raven-haired female quipped. “Now, we could go scuba-diving,” she suggested.

“Let’s go!” Kim cheered, unaware that her master had other suggestions that she was attempting to get out of her mouth.

“Or parasailing—” Shego continued, but she was cut off again.


“Or cliff diving—”


Shego had enough of being cut off. “Or kill you,” she offered.

“Okay!” Kim concurred and then it registered to her brain what her owner had suggested. “Oh, ha, ha, ha,” she commented dryly to show she did not appreciate such a joke.

“I figured after a while you were just running on automatic. So, which one do you really want to do?” Shego inquired.

“All of them,” the redhead answered with a smile. She was telling the truth; she wanted to do all of those things and much more.

“You’re really just all of the place all of the time, Princess. Come on, we’ll go scuba-diving and then parasailing, I guess. With luck, we’ll have sometime to just lay on the beach and do some sunbathing,” the older woman said.

“Sounds good, except for that sunbathing thing anyway. Can I go jet skiing while you sunbathe?” Kim requested.

“Sure,” the pale woman gave in easily. She could already see that the vacation was going to be costly; she could only hope that it paid off in the end because if it did not, she not only wasted money, but also days in her opinion.

Shego actually hated the sea. Too many damned fish as far as she was concerned; she just had a deep hatred of fish it would seem and she was not sure why that was. She was not very curious about undersea life like other people that went scuba-diving and she did not think that fish were beautiful in any way, but as she expected it, her pet was loving scuba-diving to death.

Kim was having a good time, looking around for all sorts of sharks that inhabited the waters. She was considering how it would have been nice to have become a marine biologist. There was a lot about the sea that was still unknown; it would have been fun to explore the oceans and learn about so many diverse life forms. Well, she supposed that it was too late to lament over careers now and she really did like the field that she had chosen. She doubted that she would like sea life as much as she liked reptiles and amphibians. The cold-blooded animals covered a vast field when it came to habitats and gave her more places to explore.

After the scuba-diving, which Kim understood that her master saw as extra-boring, they went parasailing. Neither of them saw the thrill in that activity until Shego spiced things up by cutting her harness and plummeting into the ocean. Kim thought that looked like a fun thing to do, so she undid the harness too. She cheered all the way down to the water; it was just as fun as it looked, she concluded.

“You’re a copycat,” Shego told her brat as they strolled down the beach. The green-skinned woman was looking for a prime area to park herself in order to sunbathe.

“That was brilliant,” Kim declared with a happy grin. It had been just a great idea to fall from the parasailing as far as she was concerned.

“You probably love to cliff dive, don’t you?”

“I actually like any kind of falling that won’t result in death,” the redhead commented with an impish look on her face.

“You’re just not of this world,” Shego replied while shaking her head slightly in an amused fashion.

Kim grinned; the expression was a bit bigger on one side of her face than the other for some reason. “I suppose I am a bit odd,” she easily admitted with a shrug.

“A bit you say?” her master teased.

“Hey, nobody’s perfect.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Pumpkin, this looks like a good spot. I’m going to camp out here. Will you be able to find your way back to me when you’re done with the jet ski?” the raven-haired woman asked because she knew that her elf could get very lost under the right circumstances.

Kim scratched the back of her head. “I don’t see why not…” she answered, trailing off because the question threw her off. It was not like she could not find her way around most places.

“You say that now, but you end up chasing a butterfly to the ends of the Earth, and then I get a phone call with you whining on the other end about how you don’t know where you are,” the pale officer pointed out because things like that happened, especially when they had first started out and she had tried to send her pest on errands.

The impish adventurer grinned sheepishly. “Sometimes, those butterflies lead to some interesting places,” she commented. She was easily distracted, but she did not get lost like other people. She could always use the GPS on her Kimmunicator and figure out where she was, but from the start, she liked crying to Shego about not knowing where she was. It had showed that she was dependent on her mistress, like a good pet should be.

“Well, don’t follow any butterflies, kittens, puppies, lizards, unicorns, griffins, or chimeras some place. Come right back here. Understood?” Shego demanded to know.

Kim saluted. “Roger that.”

Shego rolled her eyes and her pet ran off to go do some jet skiing. Shego was willing to bet that she was going to have to find that little monster later on. Her elf was just too easily distracted. She thought that she was lucky that her pet had not followed someone else home one day; she could almost picture someone picking up her girl like a stray and taking her home. That was pretty much what she had done, after all.

The moss-hued female flopped down into a lounge chair, threw on some trendy sunglasses, and proceeded to toast. She eventually fell into a fairly light sleep, even for her. She woke up because she felt someone looming over her. She opened her eyes to see her pet grinning down at her for some reason that she could not see. The brat was probably proud that she had found her way on her own for once, Shego thought.

“Princess, what the hell are you doing?” Shego demanded to know. She was a bit upset that her monster had disturbed her nap and was blocking her sun.

“You told me to come back when I was done. I’m done,” Kim answered.

“I can see that.”

“So, what now?” the redhead asked while sitting down next to her mistress’ chair. Shego reached over and petted Kim’s head, despite the fact that they were in public. They could care less about everyone that was around, especially since they would never see those people again.

“Let me just lay here for a little while longer and then we’ll go grab some dinner,” the raven-haired woman replied.

“Okay, I’m going to go do some swimming, okay?”

“Knock yourself out, kiddo.”

Kim got up and went right into the clear, aqua ocean. Shego sat up a bit to watch her enthused pet frolic in the water. She watched as Kim dove under and then shot back up a little while later like a dolphin. The water made every part of the olive-eyed hero shine like she was some type of precious gem. Shego was rather interested in the show that Kim was unaware that she was even putting on.

It seemed that Shego was not the only one interested in Kim, though. The pale woman frowned as a guy approached her little monster and said something to the redhead that Shego could not hear. Kim smiled and her master scowled. The slender adventurer then said something with an almost apologetic look on her face and the young man walked away, appearing defeated in some way. Shego was rather impressed with the way that Kim had dismissed the fellow.

Was her pet that committed to her, Shego wondered. Would her pet always dismiss guys in favor of being with Shego? She was willing to bet that Kim would do such a thing. She hoped that she would be able to return such devotion. She wanted to be able to do such a thing for her imp.

Next time: the vacation continues with dinner and after dinner activities.

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