The Gods Must Be Laughing

Gag Twenty-nine

The best policy


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TITLE: The best policy

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters and I don’t own this premise.

SUMMARY: AU. The sequel to On a Short Leash. Shego and Kim continue their odd relationship. Still a weird sort of Kigo.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Kim, Ron, Other, Friendship, Romance, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4616

A/N: if you go to my profile, you'll find two links at the bottom to a picture I drew of Shego and Kim from this series. It's the same pic, but two different sizes. Check it out if you wanna and lemme know what you think.

Shego caressing her pet.

I’m starting to think that I might have a few issues in regards to my pet. I don’t want to share her at all, but then again, does anybody really want to share their pet? She’s mine and that should be the end of the argument, but not with us. She’s tutoring the stupid art kid and she’s probably doing only that, but I keep imagining more than that going on. I always do that when it comes to her. I always think that something more is happening than what she says. Is it a trust issue or am I just really paranoid about her? I mean, I believe she’s a loyal pet, but still I have these thoughts.

Shego was lounging at her desk at work, being plagued by thoughts of her dearest pet and the punk artist that her pet was tutoring. She was now aware that her pet went into that bum’s apartment to tutor him. She did not like the thought of her precious little imp alone with him in a private area. He was not trustworthy. He was just a snake in the grass; the bad thing was that her pet liked snakes.

The pale woman was worried that Kim might actually sleep with Josh. Now, she knew that the redhead had stated that she was never going to give in to Josh or his propositions, but Shego also knew that her pet was living a chaste life lately and not really by choice. Kim was celibate because her mistress had not worked up the will to touch her in an intimate manner. Kim was human, so eventually, she would give into someone showing her some physical attention, as far as Shego thought anyway. She was scared that the someone was going to be that artist asshole because of all of the time that her munchkin was spending with the little prick.

“Hey, you look like you’re actually thinking,” Betty noted as she came by her friend’s desk.

“I’m not,” the emerald-eyed female lied.

“What did the brat do now?” the one-eyed woman inquired with a small sigh. She just assumed now whenever Shego was acting oddly that it was because of Kim. She did not have anyone else to blame now that Drakken was gone; she was thankful for that one.

“Nothing,” Shego insisted because her twerp really had not done anything. Well, she had not done anything to warrant stressing over, yet there she was stressing over it. Damn her irksome little monster and her ability to do something worrying without even realizing it. That kid was so freaking brain dead.

“If you say so. I don’t have time to get into things with you anyway,” Doctor Director commented.

“You’ve got an assignment for me then,” or so was the hope. Some form of work would occupy her time and her mind.

“Yup and you’d better get going,” the chief replied.

Shego did not need to be told twice. After she got the information that she required for her assignment, she was gone. Work always got her mind off of her troubles, so she was thankful for something to do, even if that something was only taking care of a giant, mutant spider. Yes, she had been sent out to go rid the city of a gigantic spider. Sometimes, she knew that her assignments were just busy work if the boss thought that she looked bored or if she was about to get into some kind of trouble; she was right. About half of the assignments that she went off on were because Doctor Director was looking to just get her doing something.

The raven-haired woman did not think about her pet possibly betraying her, as she looked at it, until they were in bed that night. She stared down at the petite hero, who was out almost as soon as she hit the mattress, which struck her mistress as odd. Shego was not sure why her elfish munchkin was so tired, but she started considering all sorts of things and none of them had to do with the option that Kim might have had a mission that day.

What if Kim’s tutoring session had turned into a different kind of session, Shego wondered. The redhead had admitted that once upon a time, she thought that she loved Josh. She had slept with Josh before and though she claimed that it was bad, she might be desperate enough to try him again. She might feel the need to try again.

The moss-hued female held onto Kim tighter than usual as those thoughts entered her mind. She wanted her pet all to herself just like Kim had her mistress all to herself. She supposed that she should be more willing to show that, like Kim was. But, it was easier for the redhead. She was a carefree, crazy, lazy pet. She was allowed to act completely out of order. Well the pale woman’s mind posed the question, would it be completely out of order if she were to make love to Kim? She did not have the answer.

“You are mine. Don’t forget that. You are mine,” Shego whispered. She was not sure if she was talking to herself or her snoozing brat.

Kim was hers and hers alone. But, she had to show the little redhead that. She knew that Kim was waiting for her and she wondered just how long the girl would wait. She was getting nervous about what her pet might do if she kept the kid waiting.

(New day)

Kim was trying to explain how to go about solving a specific math problem to Josh, but he was not paying attention. He was fascinated at the moment with the way that her hair was falling over her face and shading the right side of her visage ever so slightly. He was not interested in the effect in any sort of artistic way. The more time he spent with her recently, the more he found himself intrigued by her.

Josh had recently noticed the way that Kim moved was different from other women; he never thought about such a thing before, but now that he noticed, he kept looking at her. He wondered if it was because she was a deadly martial artist, a former cheerleader, or an acrobatic adventurer. He was not sure what it was, but he liked it; it was very attractive.

Everything about Kim was just alluring in his opinion. He wondered if she was always so damn sexy and he had just missed that fact the first time around. He was not sure, but he did know that she seemed to be getting better by the day. It was like she was already perfect, but it seemed like every day, she got a little more perfect. It should not have been possible, but that was how it seemed. And the more that he thought about it, the more he wanted her.

The artist had been attempting to work his way through the vast defenses that Kim had erected especially for him. He had been on his best behavior while in her presence, making sure not to even look at another woman while she was with him. He actually did not need to try to not look at other women. Kim usually had all of his attention, just in a different manner than what she was supposed to; an inappropriate manner if anyone was to ask her. Every time that he was supposed to be listening to her go over problems, he was staring at some part of her anatomy or daydreaming about doing all sorts of things to her. Well, he had still been on better behavior than usual.

“Josh, are you listening to me?” Kim asked in a slightly impatient tone. It was like her new catchphrase with him and it was a little irksome. She had to ask him that question over a dozen times when she was with him every session.

“Yeah, totally,” he lied. He always said that at first when she posed the question.

“Okay, so what’s the answer to this problem?” she inquired while pointing down to one of the problems on the page.

“All right, you got me again,” he conceded with a sigh. She had busted him not paying attention with that follow-up question quite a few times through all of their sessions.

“Are you going to listen at all or what?” she asked because she did not feel like playing games with him. If she wanted to play games, she would have stayed home and gotten on her mistress’ nerves.

“I will. Go ahead,” he replied.

Kim went back to explaining the problem, but Josh was lost to her at the moment, maybe for longer than that. He was in his own head right now. He knew what he wanted and it had little to do with math, except maybe for a little one plus one. He wanted to be with Kim. Maybe for the night, but probably forever with the way that he was feeling, he believed. She seemed to want to be with him too, he thought anyway.

The petite hero had been smiling and laughing around with him. She had been willing to see him more often then usual. She had allowed him to paint her face a few days ago. She seemed comfortable around him, even in his little apartment. She had stayed late a few times; she had even fallen asleep on his bed for a little while one night. He should just go for it, he figured. She was probably just waiting for him to take the initiative.

Well, Josh decided that it was unfair to keep Kim waiting. It was unfair to both of them, he figured. So, he would not let them both suffer if he could stop it because that was just stupid in his opinion.

The artist leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on Kim’s lips, which had been moving because she was trying to explain a problem. She was surprised and before she thought to push him away, she felt his hand kneading her right breast. She could not believe how good it felt to be touched like that again. She even moaned; wow, she was physically desired. But, that feeling only lasted about three seconds.

Kim then remembered Shego and Josh was definitely not Shego. She shoved him away enough to cause his back to hit the wall, even though her body was begging for some attention; any attention would do for her baser being. Josh was there and he would do as far as her traitorous body was concerned. But, as far as she was concerned, attention from just anyone would not do. It had to be the love of her life; it had to be Shego.

“Kim,” Josh said, surprised that he had been pushed away, especially so hard. He had been so sure that she desired him like he desired her.

“I’ve got to go, Josh. This just isn’t happening,” the slender hero commented. She was speaking both to him and herself with that line. He was not getting what he wanted, but she wished that none of that had just happened.

“Why not?” he asked in a confused tone.

“Because I don’t want to,” she answered in a “duh” type of voice. She did not want to do anything with him. She wanted her mistress and the only reason her disloyal body was even responding to him was because she had not been touched for so long while waiting for her owner. Well, she would continue to wait if that was the way things were going to be because she only wanted her master.

“Why not? It’s not like you’re in a relationship,” he argued.

“I’m…with Shego,” Kim decided to state. She was with Shego in a relationship. It was a weird relationship, but it was a relationship nonetheless. It was also very important to her and she would never purposely do anything to jeopardize it.

“You’re her pet,” he pointed out to diminish something that was the world to her.

“So what?” she practically snarled as she climbed to her feet.

“Kim,” Josh said her name again while catching her by the hand. “Don’t go,” he stated. It was more like an order than a plea. He could not understand why he could not get her to be with him and because of that, he did not seem to know how to speak to her or what tone he should take.

“I have to,” the redhead replied while yanking her hand from his. She did not even want to be tempted now, even though she was so certain that she never wanted to sleep with Josh. She still feared that if he persisted and she stayed, she might find herself lying underneath him. She moved farther away from him, making sure to get out of his reach. Little did he know, she was also slightly on guard and ready to subdue him in case he tried to touch her again. He wisely did not try to put his hands on her.

“Kim, you’re just her pet. She doesn’t care who you sleep with. She probably doesn’t even care about you,” Josh said.

“Shut up! She does care about me,” Kim insisted.

“You’re just a pet,” he repeated. She was just a pet, so he did not see why she was acting like she was really with Shego. It was obvious to him that her “beloved mistress” did not want her in the same way that Kim wanted the older woman. He actually thought it was a bit stupid of her to continue being with such a woman and to allow herself to be used like a dog. He had to treat Kim better than that, so she should want to be with him, in his opinion.

“Bye, Josh,” she said plainly.

“Kim, come on! It doesn’t have to be like this. We could build a real relationship this time. We could go places,” the artist commented with feeling in his voice, as if he truly believed those words.

“Josh, the fact that you even think that we could work again shows that you’re either crazy or you think I’m stupid. How in the hell could we possibly build a relationship? Do you think that I trust you at all to be faithful to me? I don’t,” she informed him rather bluntly.

“I’ve changed,” he vowed.

“No, you haven’t. You’re the same Josh as always. That’s why I’m here ‘helping’ you with math work that’s done in the damn tenth grade. It’s all just an excuse,” she pointed out.

“Well, if you knew I didn’t need help and this was all just an excuse, why’d you go along with it if you didn’t want this?” Josh inquired in a heated tone. She was just a tease, he thought with a huff.

“On the off chance that you really needed my help and because you asked me,” she answered simply.

Josh appeared both puzzled and stunned by that response. He had not expected it, obviously. He had forgotten that with Kim, things usually were just as they seemed. She was open and honest and he had just forgotten that.

The redhead bid him farewell once again and left the basement apartment that time. She felt lost for some reason that was beyond her and she found herself wandering the city. She felt guilty about what happened and how her body wanted that so much, yet she could not go through with it. She just wanted to be touched so much, but even if her body was ready to surrender to Josh, it could not be him. It could not be just anybody. It had to absolutely, positively be Shego. She would not be able to go through with it unless it was Shego.

Kim scratched her head. What was she supposed to do now? Go home and tell her flighty mistress that she kissed Josh? That she was so starved for attention that she considered screwing him, even though that thought had entered her head for only a brief second? She was going to be charred for sure. She would be forsaken more than likely, condemned to the loft if she was lucky or possibly thrown out on the street for a while if she was damned. Shego might even reconsider having their exclusive pet/master relationship open again and she would have to go through the pain of watching men come and go in the apartment.

“Damn it,” Kim grumbled.

Years of work might have just been shot to hell in a matter of seconds. She hated Josh for a moment, but she hated herself for a much longer moment. She should have seen it coming, she scolded herself. She should have stopped him before it even got to the point where he was kissing her. She should not have gone to his house. She should not have been sitting on his bed. She should not have trusted him enough to think that he would not try something. She was so stupid.

She knew what Josh wanted, especially from her. She had always known what was on his mind. She just thought that he would respect her enough to accept that she did not want it. She had been wrong, she conceded. She had been very, very wrong.

“When I screw up, I screw up royally,” the young hero sighed.

Her master would probably look at everything as her fault too, which in her mind, was very accurate. She should have seen everything coming and she should have tried to prevent it, but she had done nothing. She had pretty much gone with everything. She could not believe that she could blow everything so quickly and perfectly. She did not even do it on purpose. Maybe if she whined enough, she would at least still be allowed to sleep in her mistress’ bed every now and then. Maybe she could even get a way with some groping somewhere in the distant future. Man, she truly was a pathetic creature, she concluded.

Shego paced the living room, waiting for her pet to come in. It was nearly midnight and her munchkin was not back yet. The little brat had not called either. Why did the little idiot never call! What if something happened to her? What if she ran into Team Impossible again and they wanted revenge? What if she had gone on a mission and gotten into some horrible trouble? What if…that last paranoid and worried thought was interrupted by the sounds of keys in the door.

The raven-haired woman rushed to the front of the apartment to see Kim closing the door. She grabbed the girl into a hug and sighed in relief, pleased to see that her imp was all right. Well, now came the anger, Kim thought; her master sort of followed a pattern when it came to being worried about her.

“Where the hell have you been?” Shego demanded to know while pushing her girl a few inches away from her. See, the anger was right on schedule.

The redhead looked down at the floor. She had been wandering the streets for about three hours, trying to think of someway to tell her mistress about what happened to avoid the older female’s wrath. Nothing had come to mind to say the least and she had only returned home because what was coming was inevitable.

The trim adventurer cast her gaze up to her master and she looked like she was about to cry; her bottom lip was even trembling. The green-skinned officer was worried again, thinking that something happened to her little monster. Even though the girl appeared to be physically fine, Shego was plotting to bring pain into whoever’s life it was that hurt her pet. She was the only one allowed to hurt the irksome elf and even she could hardly do it.

“Pumpkin, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen? What’s wrong? What’s hurt?” Shego asked in an almost frantic tone as she pulled her dearest imp back to her, but also began padding Kim to try and locate what it was on her pet that might be injured.

“I’m okay,” Kim mumbled.

“Then why are you looking like that? Are you sure? What happened?” the pale woman practically begged to know.

The slender hero wrapped her arms around Shego and hid her face in the elder woman’s shoulder. She was going to tell the truth, so she just wanted to savor her last moment of complete and utter trust that existed between loyal pet and caring master. It had been so wonderful and she just had to go and muck it all up in an instant, she thought.

“Shego, I kissed Josh,” Kim confessed in a mutter.

“What?” the moss-hued woman asked, thinking, hoping, praying that she had heard wrong.

“I kissed Josh,” the girl repeated in a clearer tone. She then waited for her punishment to come.

Shego frowned; okay, so she had heard right. Kim had kissed Josh. Okay, okay, okay, she thought several times as an attempt to keep calm. She needed to stay calm, she told herself because it would not do her any good to blow up on Kim. The girl was already distressed and she did not want to cause her pet any trauma, even if the little traitor had kissed that artist bastard!

And then, Shego wondered why her treacherous brat even bothered to admit such a thing. The redheaded hero could have kept it to herself and her mistress would have been none the wiser. Her twerp was just too honest, she remembered and that made it hard to keep looking at her as a traitor. It was better that she had told rather than tried to keep to herself, Shego thought. Her pet was trying to do the right thing and show that she was still trustworthy.

“How about you tell me the whole story,” Shego suggested.

The emerald-eyed woman had a feeling that what happened was more than Kim just kissing Josh out of the blue like the confession made it seem. The pale woman decided to hear it all out instead of getting violently outraged as she usually would do, and what she had been planning to do before she realized that her pet was trying to save what they had. Her pet respected her enough to tell her the truth, so she would give her pet the patience she deserved in return. She would hear the whole thing and then go kill that boy; it was a good plan for the moment as far as she was concerned.

The pair went to the sofa and Kim relayed what happened in thorough detail. She looked so ashamed of herself, Shego noted, which made it hard to be even remotely upset with her, especially with the long, hurt expression on her face. Shego would have liked to be vexed with her brat since that was her norm, but she could not find it in her. At least, she could not find it in her to be upset with Kim; art-boy was going down the next time as a smoldering pile of ashes when she saw him, though.

Shego supposed that what happened was partially her fault. She had been reaping the benefits of Kim’s deep attraction to her, but she had not been returning any of it, aside for passionate kisses. She was on the receiving end of so much affection, but she was not giving out anywhere near the amount that she was receiving. She was practically stealing that love, she considered.

“Am I going to have to sleep in the loft now?” Kim inquired in a mumble. It was really the least of her worries in her mind, but it was the only question that she was willing to ask right now.

The moss-hued officer did not answer immediately. She reached out and rubbed her pet’s head, which her pet took as a good sign. Shego really could not find it in herself to feel anything aside for sorry for Kim and the longing that the redhead was going through. She embraced the smaller female, which sort of answered the question.

“Even if I tell you, yeah, you’ll just sneak into my bed later,” Shego remarked.

“Well, yeah,” Kim answered.

“Now, go take a shower, so you can go to bed. Did you eat something?” the older woman asked.

“Ramen noodles,” the redhead answered.

“You know that doesn’t count,” the pale woman commented while lightly flicking her pet’s nose. It was not enough to cause Kim to whine about it and she did not have the energy just yet to overreact to the hit.

“I know,” Kim admitted. There were plenty of things that she ate when she was on her own that her mistress did not count as real meals, ramen noodles was right at the top of the list. Apparently, cake, pie, donuts, pizza, and jars of pickles did not count as real meals either. More than one slice of pizza could be a meal, but it had to involve a beverage and breadsticks too. Hot dogs were not a meal, no matter what she put on them. Hamburgers were only a meal with a beverage and fries. Yeah, Shego was much pickier than she was about what counted as meals.

“What should I make you then? Nothing too heavy since it’s so late,” Shego pointed out. Hey, somebody had to watch the girl’s health because Kim did not seem to notice that certain foods were not good for her or that she should not eat certain things at certain times.

“Could you make me a grilled cheese sandwich?” Kim requested with an impish, almost shy smile. It was an adorable expression.

Shego could not help petting her girl again because of the way Kim looked. “All right,” the elder female agreed. “Go take a shower,” she ordered.

Kim grinned and trotted off to obey the command. She was so happy that she did not seem to be in trouble. Everything seemed all right with her mistress, so she was all right.

Shego sighed and conceded to what her brain was telling her; she brought it on herself. It was her fault. It was her fault that Kim had kissed Josh; well, that Josh had kissed Kim and it took the girl a second to push him away. She had left Kim hanging, so it made sense that the girl was craving physical attention. She was yearning so much that she had even considered doing something with Josh, who she had so long ago stated as bad in bed and she really did not want to do anything with him. How long would it take before Kim just crumbled and gave into whoever it was that was trying to jump her?

Shego did not want to lose Kim in any way, shape, or form. Now, she was certain that Kim would remain her faithful pet, even if the redhead went out and landed a lover. But, she did not want the girl to have a lover unless it was her because she knew that Kim felt strongly for her. And, she loved the little brat in return, not that she would say that out loud.

Next chapter: Kim gets several treats from her mistress.

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