Home, wretched home. I’d like my pet to think that she’s the lucky one still being at the apartment and all, but she wouldn’t believe me if I said that. She’s such a baby. Maybe I’ll buy her something or make some pasta when I get back. No one would believe the look on her face when I told her I was going away for the weekend again. You’d have thought I just told the brat that there’s no Santa. She’s just a big baby.
Shego pulled up to her former home and looked around. She thought that it would have been fair to have a sign that read “Welcome to Hell” on their front lawn, just to let everyone know what all the noise was about that came from the house when it was in use by more than one member of their family. The large house, it was close to what many would consider a mansion, was located in a suburb of Go City, which was called Sideview.
The emerald-eyed female was willing to bet that it was a peaceful neighborhood when the Gooding family was not around. When they were home, hey, at least the neighbors had something to talk about. It also gave the neighbors people to measure themselves against and say “at least we’re not like them.” They had no idea how lucky they truly were, Shego thought about their neighbors.
The green-skinned woman exited the car and looked around the area; the house was just as she remembered it. She wondered why she never got around to burning the place down. Oh, right, the twins had beaten her to it and almost gotten around to accomplishing the act of arson; that had been an interesting day since they had only been four years old. It was then that she figured out that it would be better for her to have another place to live before getting rid of that wretched place. If that house could speak, she was sure that it would scream for help.
“This is where you used to live?” Drakken asked as he exited the car. He looked around; he guessed that Shego came from a lot of money. He was not far off, but it was not like the money did not come from a lot of hard work; at least hard work on her mother’s part anyway.
“Unfortunately,” she answered. She had learned that money could not buy happiness while growing up.
“Hey, it’s sis!” Walter reported as he spotted Shego from the front window of the house.
The whole family left the house to go outside and greet Shego; well, they left the house anyway. The twins ran directly to the car, shoving passed their sister and her boyfriend. The two match-heads could care less than nothing about their sister and that guy. In fact, they had barely noticed the so-called couple; they were not buying the story of their sister being with that fellow so far.
“What are you two losers doing?” Shego inquired against her better judgment as they hopped into the car, one taking the backseat and the other taking the front seat. They were being weird even for them as far as she was concerned.
“Where is she?” the duo demanded to know as if their sister had done something with the person that they were looking for.
“Where is who?” the pale woman inquired.
“Princess!” they both answered as if it was obvious and to them it was. They searched the car, but Kim was not there. Well, what in the hell was the point in putting their lives on pause to come out to the house and have to deal with the nutcases in their family if the hot girl in the collar was not going to be there? It was a waste in their opinion.
“Oh, she didn’t come,” Shego answered in a dismissive tone.
“Why the hell not?” the pair demanded to know as if they were insulted by that fact. The only reason that they were willing to put up with everything was because their mother had stated that their sister’s pet was going to be there. There was no way that they were going to miss a sexy redhead in a collar, yet she was not there.
“She had shit to do,” Shego replied in an irked tone. Did they believe that she dragged her brat around everywhere she went?
“Fuck,” both young men muttered.
They crawled out of the car and attempted to straighten out their clothes; they were both dressed in baggy clothes and there really did not seem to be a problem with their outfits. They just wanted something to do for a second to help their frustration pass. They then turned their attention to Drakken and looked him over for a second. He did not look very impressive to them.
“Walter,” the first twin introduced himself in a huff.
“Wallace,” the second said in the same manner as his double.
“Doctor D. Drakken Lipsky,” the blue scientist said and he extended his hand.
“Whatever,” the twins commented without so much looking at the extended hand and they tried to walk back into the house; they were now dejected and upset.
Their mother stopped the twins from leaving the yard by grabbing both of them by their arms. They sighed knowing that they were going to have to pay their sister’s “boyfriend” some mind, if he really was that anyway. They were not so quick to believe that their sister was actually dating the guy. If it was possible, they would request some documented proof of some kind with the official signature of a notary and two other witnesses to verify their sister and that so-called guy were a couple.
“Yeah, so this is my family. My mother, Isabel. My father, Jason. My brothers, dumb, dumber, and the two freaks,” Shego introduced everyone with as much as zeal as one would expect of a person going to the dentist.
“It’s Hego,” the eldest sibling stated as he shook Drakken’s hand. Jason then shook the cerulean scientist’s hand.
“Not much of a handshake on you,” Jason noted while letting go of the onyx-eyed doctor’s hand rather quickly. His palms were clammy and Jason fought against the urge to wipe his hand on his pants.
“At least he’s a man,” Hego commented.
“I’d like proof of that,” Mego muttered. The twins nodded to show that they seconded the motion.
“Let’s just go inside,” Isabel suggested before the remarks got too out of hand. They had only just met Shego’s boyfriend, so she did not see why they could not act civil toward him for five minutes.
No one objected to the notion of returning inside and they all entered the huge house. The twins made themselves scarce as soon as they got in the house. They just were not interested in Drakken because he was not their sister’s pet. They had been all hyped up to see Kim and maybe get another shot at her, but that obviously was not going to happen anytime soon.
Besides, the ruby-eyed duo was fairly certain that their sister’s relationship with the sky-skinned inventor was fake; they meant “wooden eye” fake too, like it was just that obvious. Sure, they had not spoken two words to the guy, but they saw Shego with her pet and that was a true relationship there. If she was really with that blue dude, then they reasoned that they would not have seen her with Kim the way that she was. She also would not get so angry with them for trying to talk to her precious pet. They considered that their sister did not know, downplayed, or just ignored her feelings for the petite redhead that she kept as a pet.
“So, Drakken, what do you do?” Isabel asked as she, Jason, Hego, Shego, and Drakken retreated to the living room.
Mego decided to not even bother with the group, knowing that it was going to be just stupid to watch. He could really care less than nothing about his sister and her boyfriend and he did not see why they were getting so much attention. He did not think that they were special in any way.
Besides, Mego was also not buying the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” bit. He had pointed out several times before Shego arrived that she was gay and they all needed to just move on. He eventually annoyed his father and older brother, who just refused to accept that even as an option. The purple-hued young man did not feel the need to subject himself to a rotten show where he would only be compelled to crush their dreams and then he would get yelled at for it. He had better things to do.
“I’m an inventor,” the light blue scientist replied in regards to what his occupation was as the fellows all sat down.
“Interesting. Can I get you anything? A drink or something?” Isabel offered; she and her daughter remained standing.
“No, I don’t drink,” he answered.
“No, that’s quite a feat after being with Shego,” Isabel muttered while glancing at her daughter, who shook her head and decided not to get back at her mother for that remark. “Well, I’ll just get myself a drink. Jason, what about you?” Isabel asked her husband.
“Put it on hold,” he replied, believing that he would need a drink at some point in the evening. Isabel nodded to her husband’s response and went to fix herself a drink because she happened to have more news than her husband; she was always the well informed parent whether her children wanted her to know or not.
Jason stared at Drakken. He had to admit that he was glad to see their daughter with a man, but the guy did not look like much of a man. He had a very weak handshake and his palms were sweaty; well, Jason did not even want to think about it. He was willing to bet that Shego could bench-press the scrawny doctor if the urge ever came over her; hell, there was already the chance that she might have done that once, he considered.
“So, how long have you been seeing my little sister?” Hego inquired.
“Oh…well, steadily we’re been together almost three years,” Drakken replied.
Isabel, who was just outside the living room, nearly choked on air when she heard that number. Jason coughed to hide his surprise. Isabel was about to offer her husband that drink again, but she knew that if he needed it, he would have called for it. He was better than her in that regard, she thought. She definitely needed a drink now; apparently, she was not as informed as she would have liked.
“That’s good. You’re treating her good, right?” the eldest sibling asked, which Drakken easily confirmed.
“Mommy, fix me one too,” Shego called and she just decided to leave the living room altogether because she was aware that the question and answer session was only going to get painful. She joined her mother by the liquor cabinet in the sitting room, which was adjacent to the living room.
“Three years?” Isabel inquired as if she was hissing when her daughter was standing next to her.
“Don’t ask,” Shego sighed.
“Fine, but three fucking years?”
“You’re asking,” the daughter pointed out.
“Right, right. Three damn years?” her mother said again as if she was horrified. And really, she was. Such time had to be hard on her daughter’s little devoted pet, Isabel thought and she did not think that it was right for her daughter to hurt such a sweet, loving girl, especially for such a creepy-looking chap. Sure, he might have had nice personality or something, but from what Isabel knew, she was aware that was not the case.
“You hate him already, huh?” Shego inquired.
“No, no. I don’t hate him. I just…he’s not who I expected,” Isabel replied. She had expected someone that could at least rival Kim, but she could already see that he was nothing compared to the girl. She knew that Kim was like oxygen to her daughter, so she could not see how that man in the living room challenged someone that kept her daughter alive and well.
“You just think I should be with Princess,” Shego commented as if she could read her mother’s mind, but then again, it was not like her mother’s thoughts were a secret.
Isabel did not even bother to confirm the truth because it was not a secret. She fixed herself and Shego drinks and then Isabel went to hang around the living room entrance to hear more about the cerulean-skinned scientist. She already knew about his scientific achievements and things like that, but she wanted to understand what kind of person he really was. She wanted to understand how it was plausible for him to be a better choice than Kim was.
Shego was not sure if she should stick around and do damage control or just screw it and allow Drakken to hang himself while she hid in the basement. She joined her mother at the entrance for the simple fact that she bet Wally was in the basement playing pool at the least and playing everything at the most. She did not want to have to deal with the immature match-heads at the moment.
Jason and Hego tried to strike up a manly conversation with Drakken, probably to measure his macho-ness, the two ladies gathered. They started talking about sports, a sure-fire way to lose Shego’s and Isabel’s interest. They left while Shego knew that the onyx-eyed scientist had already failed that test; he knew less about sports than she did.
Once Jason and his son established that the ebony-haired inventor knew nothing about the greatest sports of all time in their opinions, namely football and hockey, they decided to see if he could play some pool. They thought that he might be good at the activity and they were genuinely trying to find someway to connect with the man; they wanted to accept that Shego had a decent man in her life. They invited him down to the basement, finding Walter and Wallace playing each other in pool.
“Hey, you two, give it up for a minute,” Jason ordered his youngest sons.
“We were here first,” Walter replied.
“I don’t see your mother around here, Wally,” Jason pointed out for his sons to get the idea that he was the sole authority in the basement. He was not about to take their backtalk.
The twins considered their father’s words for a moment before conceding the pool table to him and their older brother. The duo went over to the bar to get something to drink. Their father watched them, making sure they did not go into the alcohol. The pair grabbed sodas and then went over to the air hockey table.
The basement was like a small arcade. They had a pool table, an air hockey table, a table tennis set, a pinball machine, and the arcade Pac-man. There was something for everyone in the basement; too bad they all always seemed to want to be down there alone, except for the twins of course since they more than likely could not function completely alone. The floor was carpeted a dark pink, which was their mother’s doing. There was also a bar in the back corner stocked with drinks, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.
Jason and Hego set up the pool table and began to play a game with Drakken. Oh, they were witnessing a sad sight and they had actually seen many when it came to pool. He played worse than Mego, Hego thought as he watched the scientist scratch for a third time in his third go. Jason could not believe his eyes; someone was actually worse at pool than his wife was. It was almost tragic watching him even try.
Now, Jason was glad that his daughter was with a man, but Drakken was really looking like the bottom of the barrel when it came to men. He did not know what to think of the inventor. He guessed that he would just wait and see how Isabel interacted with the man. If she detested the doctor, he had no problem with letting his own dislike of the guy show also. He considered that Isabel might have thought that it was a good thing that their daughter was with a man too, which was why she had put the gathering together, which was why he was willing to see how she was toward the scientist.
Drakken could not believe how difficult pool was. It seemed like such a simple game with nothing more than some geometry with a bit of physics, but he could not quite get the hang of it. He could not really hit the cue ball and if he did hit it, he hit it most improperly. He literally scratched the table on one try.
“Should I even ask you about him?” Isabel asked her daughter while they were peeling potatoes.
Isabel had a big dinner planned for the day; it would get Mego’s and the twins’ attention at least and make them feel like the return home was worth it. And doing something would take her mind off of the fact that her daughter was too blind to know who she should be with when it came to companions. It was rather frustrating to witness such foolishness from her favorite child.
“Save us both the trouble,” Shego replied. She had decided to help her mother cook because she did not have anything better to do. Her mother had attempted to suggest several things for her to do because the older woman was never a fan of help in any way, which might explain why Shego never liked helping anyone when she got older.
“Well, why didn’t you bring Pumpkin?” Isabel asked curiously. She had wanted to see the girl again; she enjoyed seeing the hero’s smiling face. She liked seeing her daughter happy with her pet.
“I didn’t want to chance it.”
“I made it clear that they were not supposed to say anything about her relationship to you. Wally was so hyped about her showing up,” the older woman commented.
“I bet they were,” Shego said in a deadpan tone. She bet that her baby brothers wanted to molest her little imp.
“You know your brothers mean no harm,” her mother said. She could tell that her daughter was angry with the twins for having the nerve to hit on Kim, but she did not think that Shego recognized that she was upset with the boys because she had affections for her pet.
“You can believe that if you want,” the green-skinned woman commented.
Isabel only smiled a bit. “You know that your father isn’t going to like him, right?” she asked because she knew the type of man her husband respected and Drakken did not fit the bill. She knew just enough about the scarred inventor to know that he should consider himself lucky if Jason acknowledged his existence once dinner rolled around, despite the fact that Jason desperately wanted proof that his daughter was not a lesbian.
“Why, just because he doesn’t play football?” Shego countered in a mocking tone. “I don’t give a damn anyway.”
“Don’t you? You are Shego,” her mother teased. Her daughter ran around with that nickname like she was Daddy’s little girl.
“Mommy, Shego will always be a way better name than the one you gave me,” she retorted. She was not sure what it was about her real name that made her stomach turn, but she just could not stand her name.
“It could’ve been worse. I could’ve named you after myself and than called you ‘Little Izzie,’” her mother remarked with an amused look on her face.
Shego balked at the very idea. “You’re not as cruel as your mother was obviously.”
“Obviously,” Isabel concurred. They came from a long line of extraordinary and conceited women and Isabel had been named after her mother because her mother thought very highly of herself. In fact, she was rather insulted when Isabel did not name Shego after her. There were already too many Isabels wandering around in her opinion, so she went with something different when naming her daughter and it turned out that her daughter hated the name anyway.
“I should’ve brought her, huh?” Shego sighed out of the blue. She wished that she had brought her little monster because the girl would have enjoyed herself and she would have given Shego someone to focus on rather than just taking the pain that came along with Drakken interacting with her family. She would have someone to pet and relieve some of the tension that was building in her body.
“You should’ve. What did you tell her to make her stay?” Isabel asked because she doubted that the pet had allowed Shego to leave quietly.
“Nothing. I just said I’m going out for the weekend and told her not to burn the house down and if she brought any reptiles home, she had better make sure they’re all gone by the time I get back. She should be fine. She’s got nutty friends to keep her company. I just need to call her in the morning to make sure she doesn’t eat pizza for breakfast,” the younger woman replied.
“Oh, let her live like a careless kid for just a second. Single people in their early twenties eat pizza for breakfast.”
“Not when they live in my house.”
Isabel laughed a little bit. She could not believe her daughter; she took such great care of Kim and Kim took such great care of her in return. She wondered when her daughter would just realize and accept that fact. It was not like it was a bad thing to have someone so concerned for her wellbeing. If only everyone could be so lucky, actually.
Drakken had managed to finally sink a ball on the pool table and that was it; it was on and popping in his mind for a reason that everyone else missed. He had to go into the mathematic reasons as to why he was able to put the four-ball into the right corner pocket. Jason, Hego, and the twins all watched in disbelief as the sky-blue inventor babbled on for several minutes about why he, with his genius mind, was able to make such a shot.
“Oh, just shut the hell up!” Walter told the cerulean inventor after the man passed the five minute mark with his ramblings. He said what they were all thinking. He and his double made fists to show that they were very close to punching the doctor, probably in the mouth, and the only that was thing holding them back was that they knew it would anger their parents if they stomped out the guest.
“The fucking ball was two damn inches from the fucking pocket,” Wallace pointed out in a clearly vexed tone. He was not feeling any better getting on the scientist verbally; he still wanted to deck the guy.
“It’s not like you banked the fucking ball off of all four damn sides of the fucking table and managed to tap the fucking ball into the damn hole,” Walter added. He was not feeling anymore at ease either; he also still wanted to hit the man too.
“But then again, you probably don’t know dick about balls and holes,” Wallace commented, which was the last straw.
“Wally, go upstairs,” Jason commanded. He could understand their pain, but he would rather they not attack their sister’s boyfriend, verbally and physically. It was good that she was with a man and they did not need to ruin that.
The duo did not argue; they were happy for an excuse to leave. Who wanted to be around Hego for so long anyway? Not them, that was for sure. They noted that Drakken did not seem like the life of the party either and decided that they would rather be boiled in oil than share the same space with him again, unless of course, they were able to beat the piss out of him.
They wondered if dinner was ready yet as they made their way upstairs. Their plan was eat and then avoid every male in the house until they were allowed to leave. They just did not feel like putting up with the jackasses that they seemed to be surrounded by.
Jason watched the twins leave and then turned his attention back to Drakken, who had not been deterred by the duo’s outbursts and was still ranting. Jason stared at the man because he could not believe his eyes or his ears. How did his impatient daughter avoid snapping the blue man’s neck? The only thing that he could do to avoid just throwing Drakken out, as in literally pitching him through the door, was to tell himself that at least his daughter was with a man. She was with a man and that was a good thing. It was a good thing.
The family gathered around the dinner table and stared at the spread; it was like Thanksgiving. There was a huge turkey and the foods that followed went well with the bird. There was rice, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, string beans, spinach, black beans, peas, macaroni and cheese, and homemade biscuits. There were even chicken fingers in case someone did not want turkey. Everyone, except for Drakken, jumped right into fixing their plates.
“Sis, it looks like you might need to help him out,” Walter commented, eyeing the sky-colored scientist, who he doubted would be able to survive how they worked when it came to meal time. He wanted to call the doctor a pussy for not even trying to get some food, but he doubted that was acceptable language at the dinner table.
It was every man for himself when it came to fixing plates in the presence of the Gooding family and the only way something was claimed was if it was in someone’s mouth; and even that was debatable depending if it was the last of something. Every member of the Goodling family had been stabbed in their hands with forks on more than one occasion; sometimes, they were actually stabbed with knives and even spoons when people were feeling cute. It was dangerous in there.
“I guess he’s scared to lose a limb,” Wallace laughed.
“Loser,” Walter chuckled. They remembered how Kim had not been scared to dive into the feeding frenzy during dinner back at the villa; the problem was that Shego would not allow her pet to join in.
“You two,” Isabel scolded the twins. “Stop being so rude.”
The twins only laughed. Oh, they were never going to let Shego live the day down now that they had met her boyfriend; even if he was not really her boyfriend, they were not going to let her live it down. They were going to make fun of the water-colored male until the day that they died, even if she was not with him anymore. Shego swore that she was so cool, but she was dating a serious geek; they just were never going to let that go.
The green-hued officer knew that the ruby-eyed duo was not going to let the day go. It was how they were; it was one of the reasons that she could not stand being near them. It was also one of the reasons why she did not desire to bring Drakken around; he and her family would never mix. They were oil and he was water.
Eventually, everyone got the food that they wanted; they all made it out of the fray with their limbs in tact and no utensil wounds. The scientist gathered food once everyone was done and it was clear that Shego was not about to fix a plate for him. Everyone settled down to eat what they all knew would be a delicious meal.
“So, Drakken, perhaps you’d like to tell us a bit about yourself and your work. What have you invented lately?” Isabel inquired and Shego wished that she could just stop her mother before the whole question got out.
The ocean-hued doctor started up, much to the whole family’s dismay. They had years of practice when it came to ignoring people, thanks to each other and Mego especially. But, the key difference between Drakken and purple-colored male was that Mego eventually stopped talking and hoped for some feedback. The middle sibling wanted attention; Drakken seemed to like the sound of his own voice. It was pure torture for everyone else.
“Could you imagine the pillow talk with this guy?” Walter remarked.
“Sis probably gets up and grabs a snack,” Wallace commented.
“Hell, or she goes to work,” Walter stated.
“Pillow talk?” Hego echoed. He turned his attention to Drakken. “You’re sleeping with my sister?” he demanded to know.
The onyx-eyed inventor appeared nervous at that outburst and it got him to stop talking, which would have been nice if the muscular man was not making inquires on Shego’s sex life. Isabel decided to step in and hopefully get Hego under some form of control. It was not like Jason would halt their eldest son, especially since he would want to know all of the same information as the indigo-eyed man. Nobody else was interested in hearing about Shego’s nighttime activities with the irksome scientist, though, especially not while they were eating.
“Hector, your sister is a grown woman,” Isabel pointed out.
“So what? He soiled her,” Hego declared. He obviously had the farfetched idea that Shego was actually still a virgin when she hooked up with Drakken. They all wondered where he got that idiotic notion from.
“Soiled me? What are we in the fucking 1890’s?” Shego wondered out loud.
“Hego probably has never gotten laid,” Walter commented in a dry tone.
“He probably doesn’t even know what to do,” Wallace replied in the same kind of voice. It was like they were surrounded by losers, the duo thought.
“You two, stop being so filthy. We’re at the table,” Isabel reprimanded the pair.
“What about Hego?” Walter countered.
“He’s the one using words like ‘soiled’ and shit like that,” Wallace pointed out.
“Hey,” Jason admonished the match-head for using foul language, especially while talking to his mother, even though everyone knew that Isabel did not mind. In fact, the twins probably cursed so much because they spent so much time around their mother.
“I don’t even want to hear it. Just eat,” Isabel commanded the twins, who did not appreciate getting it from all sides. They grumbled, but they did as they were ordered to do. Everything was silent for the moment before Drakken decided to speak again, much to everyone’s dismay.
“So, I suppose Shego’s told you that we’re getting married,” the scientist announced. Everyone instantly stopped eating and stared at the blue male in complete and utter shock.
Next time: things just continue to go downhill.