…I have sinned so terribly that the depths of my depravity cannot even be fathomed. There are no terms to measure how low I have sunk, but I cannot help it. I cannot help these feelings. I must admit it, I love her.
(Present)
“No way!” Kim objected as she read the line. She really could not believe what her eyes were seeing.
“Apparently so. This is beyond bizarre,” Shego commented in an unnervingly normal tone.
“How can you be so calm?” Kim demanded to know. She would have thought that Shego would have been right there with her on being incredulous to what she was reading. After all, their ancestors were lovers in the classic sense of the word according to the journal. How unusual was that?
“Well, mostly because I don’t see her saying Sheshona loved her back,” the thief answered honestly.
Shego figured that everything was all right if Doctor Possible was the only one doing stupid things like falling for someone in the Go family. She doubted that her ancestor was doing more than toying with the doctor for a bit of fun, which was something that she was used to from people in her family. The Go family did what they wanted and what was best for them while trying to screw with people if they got the chance. She figured that her ancestor was doing that.
“It says so right there,” Kim pointed out and she put her finger on the sentence that Shego had overlooked.
“What the hell?” the villain yelled as she eyed that line. Now, she could not believe her eyes. “This just plain wrong! It’s not even sick, just wrong!”
“Completely,” Kim concurred with less feeling than most people would have expected from such a shocking revelation.
The pair looked at each other to confirm that they were both sickened, but neither of them saw disgust in the opposing green eyes. They saw shock, surprise, and maybe even a bit of nonchalance toward the matter, but there was no disgust to be found. They were not disturbed by the news of the lesbian love, even though it was between their ancestors. Now, they could see that the other was not bothered, so they wondered if they should work harder to cover their tracks or just give up for once since it was not like they were going to judge the other harshly. They could hardly believe that they even cared what the other thought.
“Why do we even bother?” Kim wondered out loud with a bit of an exhausted sigh.
“What do you mean?” Shego asked.
Kim had not even realized that she said that aloud until Shego’s question reached her ears. “You know, why do we put the show on for each other? I mean, I can read you pretty well and I bet you can read me just as well, so why do we even bother faking like this? Isn’t it just a waste of energy?” the redhead pointed out.
“Yeah, a big waste of energy” Shego agreed.
It was rather stupid of them to pretend in front of each other. As long as they were moving, they might as well tell each other the truth because their bodies were informing the other of any lies that they told. It was a bit unsettling to realize that they knew each other better than any other people knew them. They were foes that knew each other better than friends knew them. They supposed that it was proper because they were keeping the enemy close, but that was not totally true. Kim only kept Shego so close, not her other enemies and the only person that Shego kept closer than Kim was her mother; not that Shego would admit that under the worst conditions.
“It’s still weird, though,” Kim muttered. Everything was just plain weird to her and she could not think of any other way to put things.
“Them or us?” Shego asked.
“Both, I guess,” the younger fighter said because she figured that she did mean them and their ancestors, even though she had not been thinking of anything in particular when she made that statement.
Everything was weird because of both the past pair and them; Kim could not explain it, but it was weird. Whatever was happening between them was only made stranger because of what had gone on between the past pair. They did not want to seem like they were walking the same path as the past duo, not that they thought that they would ever be declaring their love for each other; oh, hell to the no. They did not want to end up one day sharing a kiss; that would just be downright creepy.
Shego thought that what was happening was mind-boggling. A Possible and a Go had been in love over a hundred and fifty years ago? If someone had said that was plausible, she would have slapped the piss out of that person. It was just about the stupidest thing that she had ever heard and yet, it was at least somewhat true.
“A doctor and her patient in the 1850’s.” Kim shook her head because it was beyond belief. A Possible had gone beyond professional ethics.
“Female doctor and female patient,” Shego added in. That was just going all out of the borders of the ethical map for its time, which only helped add to how fantastic the whole thing seemed.
“Right. Do you think they’re really in love?” Kim asked curiously.
Shego did not answer. If the doctor was anything like Kim, she had no doubt that the doctor was in love. After all, if the doctor was anything like Kim, she was probably looking for someone to love. She more than likely wanted someone to be affectionate toward and someone to be that way toward her.
But, the green-skinned villainess had all the doubt in the world that Sheshona was in love, even if she said those words to the doctor. The Go family was not known for sincerity as far as she knew. The Go family was known for getting what they wanted by any means necessary short of homicide…well, homicide that they might be caught for anyway. Their family creed might as well be “if you can get away with it, do it and screw everybody else.”
“Shego,” Kim said because she did not get a response.
“Words…lie,” Shego finally replied. It was the best that she could do short of just being blunt and probably hurting Kim’s feelings since the redhead seemed to want them to be in love.
“What do you mean?” Kim inquired.
Shego sighed. “The words we speak aren’t always true to our intentions,” she explained. Especially when it came to someone from her family, she mentally added.
“So, you don’t think that they loved each other?” the younger woman asked with a bit of a puzzled expression.
“In my opinion, this is probably one-sided affair,” the pale woman answered. She was trying to avoid disenchanting Kim, but it was not working and she also did not know why she was trying to do such a thing.
“But, if that is the case, how did the journal get into your family house?” Kim asked.
The thief could not answer that inquiry. The book somehow had made its way into a Go family residence, which meant that Doctor Possible had feasibly been in the house. The doctor was either in the house or the book grew legs and followed Sheshona home one day. Since the latter was rather unlikely, Shego silently yielded that the doctor was probably in the house. She probably had to be comfortable in the house to bring her personal journal in there with her.
But, still, Shego believed that her ancestor could have just used the doctor’s love for her to get the doctor to visit her and she could play with her toy in the privacy of her own home. The doctor probably did not know that she was being used, which would explain her being comfortable enough to bring the journal over with her. Sheshona probably played with the doctor until she got bored with her little toy.
Shego glanced at Kim as she thought about her ancestor. How could the past Sheshona just play with the doctor, she wondered. The question entered her mind because she quietly realized that she could not and would not try to play with Kim emotionally. She hated when Drakken had pulled that crap tugging on Kim’s emotions with the syntho-drone. It just was not the way that she did things; she was direct when she wanted something. It was easy that way.
Kim was quiet for a while since Shego was the same. The redhead wondered if Shego was being her usual cynical self or if she had a point on the doctor being involved in a one-sided love affair. After all, they only knew what the doctor was thinking at the time, but not what her patient was thinking. But, would Sheshona be so cold and cruel as to lie about loving the doctor, as the journal reported she did? Shego seemed to think so and that led Kim to wonder if Shego might be so callous to do such a thing, but she doubted that Shego would do such a thing.
The slender hero noted that while Shego was sarcastic and biting in her speech, she pretty much said what was on her mind. The moss-hued thief did not seem to lie very often. It was not something that she had ever taken the time to notice about the other woman. She did wonder if Sheshona was anything like Shego, which would make her word believable.
“Hey, Shego,” Kim said.
“What?” the pale woman inquired.
“Would you ever lie to me?” the redhead asked curiously.
“About what?” Shego countered. She also wondered where the question came from. It did not seem to have anything to do with what they were dealing with now.
“I don’t know. But, would you?”
“Probably,” Shego answered honestly with a shrug. She would never say that she would not lie to someone. She was pretty sure that sometime in life, she would lie to everyone that she knew. She thought that was normal.
“What would you lie about?” the younger woman inquired with a curious look in her olive eyes.
“I don’t know. It’s never really come up in my daily schedule, you know. ‘Hmm…wake up, make breakfast, eat breakfast, get dressed, lie to Kim Possible.’ I don’t really itemize like that,” the green-skinned woman remarked.
Kim smiled to show that she was amused and the fact that she liked Shego’s honesty. She only just realized that fact. It was rare to meet an honest person, even brutally honest as Shego was.
The raven-haired woman noticed Kim smiling and refused to consider why the hero might be smiling. It was pleasant to be smiled at, though. It was not something that she was accustomed to, but she liked it and she noted that in the back of her mind. Maybe she could do something and Kim would smile at her again, she considered. She then mentally shook that thought away.
“Let’s keep reading,” Shego suggested before things got awkward between them, which seemed to be a habit with them since they started hanging out.
“Right,” Kim agreed for the same reason.
…She says that she loves me and my heart aches to believe her. I’ve never felt this way before. It scares me, but as long as I have her close by, I trust that it shall be all right. She says that she loves me and I want to trust her because I love her. Love is trust.
(1855)
Sheshona and her doctor lay right on Kimberly’s desk, naked as the day they were born and just as oblivious to their nudity it seemed. Kimberly was still panting because of what they had done and she was trying to wipe the sweat from her forehead. Sheshona was busy caressing all over Kimberly’s body and kissing wherever her head would reach without much movement; she wanted to savor the moment because she had never been so close to paradise in all of her life.
Both women had actually been unaware that such moments existed. They did not know that such pleasure existed. There was even a connection between them that they had been unaware could exist between two people. It felt like they had united beyond the body, but also at the soul. Before that moment, they both would have scoffed at such a silly notion, but it felt so very true right now.
Sheshona did not realize it, but she was crying as she continued relishing in her desired moment. It was as if her subconscious knew what she was going to do before she even knew what she was going to do. It was like she missed Kimberly already and the redhead was still right there.
“Sheshona,” Kimberly said in a low pitch when she noticed what was going on with her lover.
“Hmm?” the raven-haired woman asked in a sorrowful voice that she did not even recognize as her own.
“Are you all right?” the doctor asked in a concerned, loving voice.
“Yes.”
“But, you’re crying,” Kimberly pointed out in a very tender tone.
“Oh.” Sheshona sniffed and wiped her tears away. She could not recall the last time that she did something as weak as to cry. She could not even believe that she was crying, but she could feel the tears as she wiped them from existence.
“Why are you crying?”
Sheshona broke down as she answered. “Because I love you,” she replied as new tears poured down her face.
Sheshona had finally given in. She knew what everything was going on inside of her; she was deeply in love with Kimberly. She loved the woman that showed her kindness for no reason, that paid her attention beyond what her job required, and that respected her enough to know when she needed space. God, she loved Kimberly like she never loved a human being and it hurt like nothing that she had ever felt before. She beat that dying a million times very slowly would not be nearly as agonizing as it was to be in love.
“It’s all right,” Kimberly promised as she moved to cradle Sheshona to her and the strong, fiercely independent woman wept right on the doctor.
Sheshona cried because she did not want to love Kimberly. There were so many things wrong with loving the redhead. First of all, she was not supposed to love anyone. Her life was all about her and she was not supposed to get attached to anyone. She was a loner and women were only brought into her life to sate any lustful feelings that cropped up. They were there as momentary distractions, like everything else that she did in life. She was not supposed to love anyone, least of all a conquest.
Besides, Sheshona was aware that it would not do any good for her to love Kimberly. What could she do for the redheaded doctor? She could do nothing worthwhile, aside for what she had already done. In her mind, all she could do was hurt Kimberly because that was the type of person that she was. All she could do was hurt the only person she loved, she was certain of that. It was a devastating, crushing, and gut-wrenching realization. It led her to immediately believe that she was useless. It begged the question: what good was it for her to love anyone? What good was her love to another person when she could not do anything for that person except hurt the person and cause problems?
“It’s all right. I love you too,” Kimberly whispered, thinking that she was going to make things better.
“Oh, god,” Sheshona merely bawled harder. She was not only going to hurt someone that she loved, but the person that loved her in return. She was a horrible person. She was worthless.
“It’s all right,” Kimberly repeated in soothing tone.
The redhead did not even think about her problems at the moment, like the fact that she had just cheated on her husband with a woman or that her office door was not locked, yet they were lying on the desk as if they really had total privacy. She just wanted to comfort the woman that showed her what true passion was, the woman that she loved dearly, the woman that needed her now. She only wanted to get Sheshona to stop crying.
“I’m sorry,” Sheshona apologized.
“It’s all right,” Kimberly replied.
No, it was not all right. The doctor misunderstood the meaning behind the apology and Sheshona did not explain herself. After a while, the pale woman regained control of herself and ceased her tears. She crawled off of Kimberly and off of the desk. She quickly put her clothes back on while Kimberly was suddenly overcome by modesty and what she had done. She tried to cover herself with her hands; it seemed that she did not have enough hands.
“It’s a little late for that, doc,” Sheshona remarked. She seemed to be back to normal.
Kimberly only blushed. Sheshona felt a swell of emotion at the sight of the rose flush and she went in for a kiss. Kimberly did not resist her, which the pale woman liked. After the embrace, Sheshona assisted Kimberly in getting dressed and occasionally kissed Kimberly while doing it. It was great to feel Kimberly’s lips against her own and she really would have liked to be able to feel them everyday for the rest of her life, but she knew that was impossible.
“Later, doc,” Sheshona whispered against Kimberly’s lips while caressing the redhead’s cheek.
“Later?” Kimberly echoed. What did her lover mean by that?
“Yeah, later,” Sheshona decided to stand by that. Maybe it would mean something in the future, but at the moment it was just as worthless as she was. Her words, her love, her life, and everything else surrounding her were meaningless in her opinion.
The pale woman left the office as she did everyday, as if everything was normal. It was like she was going to go back to her room and tomorrow she would show up for her usual session. Everything would be fine. Everything would go on as it always did. Well, it seemed like that anyway.
Kimberly attempted to compose herself now that she was alone. Instead of calming down, she began to cry. She had just had intercourse with a patient on her desk, her female patient to make matters worse. She probably just ruined her professional career. And then there was her marriage.
Not only had she just committed adultery, but with a woman whom she loved and made her realize that she did not love her husband. She had never felt what she felt for Sheshona for anyone. She was certain that she loved the pale woman and she had never felt a fraction of what she was feeling right now for her husband. She did not know what to do with those facts, though. It was not like she could leave her husband and run away with Sheshona. So, what was she to do?
Should she confess her wrongdoings to her husband? What if he did not take the news well and wanted to leave her because of what she did? He would take their son with him and she did not want to lose the only child that she had. She loved her son.
Kimberly buried her head on her desk and cried harder. What had she done? She had ruined her life in an instant, but she did not regret it. She was glad for her time with Sheshona and she would not mind having more moments with the pale woman. She loved Sheshona and she just could not help that. But, she could not continue on as she was. She felt so helpless and it was not a feeling that she was used to nor was it a feeling that she enjoyed.
Sheshona was not feeling any better. She returned to her room and felt like she wanted to cry again, but she held off. She was too strong to cry, she promised herself. So, since she was too powerful for tears, she considered wrecking her room, but she did not even feel up to doing that. The situation was not that serious, she tried to assure herself. Like hell it was not that serious, her brain screamed. It was the very definition of serious!
She had fallen in love with a conquest, who happened to be a married doctor. She was her doctor to boot. She was not supposed to feel the way that she did and she decided right then and there that she was not going to feel like that. To hell with being in love. She just was not going to do it. Simple as that, she was not going to be in love anymore. She always had control of the situation and she could control what was happening now. She could control everything about what was happening now. She would control everything that was happening now.
Now, step one of taking control of what was happening was getting away from the cause of all of the confusion. If she was away from the source, then she would no longer be confused. She was going to have to leave the hospital and in one part of her mind that made so much sense. She had made her conquest, so she had gotten what she wanted. It was time to move on to her next moment of delight.
…Why would she do this? I thought that she loved me. I should have known. I could see the devil in her eyes, but I could see the love there too. She is a puzzling creature. I just do not comprehend why she would do this.
(1855)
Sheshona had planned to make a clean getaway from the asylum. She waited for midnight to get out of there and take back control in her life. She had decided that she was not going to be in love with her doctor anymore and that was the end of that. To stop those emotions, she decided that she had to get away from Kimberly. It made sense in her head that to cease the feeling, she had to get away from the cause of it. So, she had to get out of the hospital and probably out of the town. But, she had to make a stop first.
The emerald-eyed woman was not sure why she did what she did, but she went to Doctor Possible’s locked office. She had no problem getting in to the office; she was a trained burglar, pick-pocket, and lock-pick. Hey, she had a lot of time on her hands ever since her mother died.
She went and sat at the desk, remembering what she had done to Kimberly on the large desk earlier. She ran her hand over the wooden furniture and sighed. It was such a great moment where she was certain that she had made Kimberly feel like the goddess that she was, but it was still just a moment. The moment had passed and it was time to move on.
The pale woman searched the desk for some paper and a writing utensil. She wrote a hurried note in the dark to her dearest doctor, even though she was supposed to distance herself from the redhead. She just felt compelled to leave Kimberly something of her, as if that would ease some of the pain that she knew that she was going to cause the redheaded woman. And, she then disappeared into the night like a dying flame.
Kimberly entered her office that morning and did not find anything out of place. She sat down at her desk and found what Sheshona left her; it was a brief note. It did look like it had been scribbled in the dark in a hurry. Kimberly read through it and her expression dropped to through the floor. She just could not believe what she was reading and how it seemed to grind all of her insides into a fine dust.
…Sheshona left and that was the end. She was gone and I am alone.
Next time: things get a bit more puzzling, so much so that Kim and Shego decide to return the place where it all started, the Go family house.