Dirty Little Secrets

Chapter 5



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TITLE: Miscommunication

AUTHOR: StarvingLunatic

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own these characters.

SUMMARY: Everyone has secrets. Some deeper than others. Come take a sneak peek at some secrets. Various pairings. Series of one shots.

TYPE: Other

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 5207

Monique was bored. Well, not really bored; that was just a code that she used when feeling a certain way. She wanted to see a certain someone and she was pretty sure that person would only show up if she claimed that she was bored. She tried to hold off for as long as she could, but she wanted to see him now and to see him, she had to claimed boredom.

Labeling things as being “bored” was also a way to keep Monique from thinking about her true feelings, which went way beyond the relief of her “boredom.” She tried not to think about what was really going on inside of her since she doubted that she could do anything about it. So, in her opinion, it was better to just think of herself as “bored” and what being “bored” entailed. She could do something about being “bored,” after all; she could see himand a little bit more. She wanted so desperately to see him now, no matter what the circumstances.

The fashion-conscious diva was yearning and had been for days now, but she was attempting to fight against it. She was slowly, but surely losing the battle if her growing “boredom” was any indication of things. She was starting to feel restless without his presence, so she guessed that she was just going to have to let him know that she was “bored.” She wished that she could just tell him that she wanted to see him since that was what her entire essence was now practically begging for, but that was not how things went with them.

Monique really did not want to go through the routine again, but the deep longing to be near him that was inside of her was growing wider and deeper than the Grand Canyon with every passing second. It almost made her feel anxious, her heart speeding up, as if he was going to be there when she had not even called him yet. The intense yearning was swirling around the pit of her stomach and churning up such great discomfort that she believed if she did not see him soon, she would be physically ill. She could not take the empty, hollowed-out feeling in her soul anymore. So, she needed to at least be around him.

The usually strong-willed woman reached for the phone, even though she wanted to hold out. She did not want to go through it all again, but if she did not see him soon, hear him soon, kiss him soon, then she would go mad from his absence. She just wanted to look into his beautiful blue eyes, even if they held no real affection for her. She thought about his touch, so gentle and seemingly close to caring, even though he did not need to be; she did delight in the fact that he was those things. Surely those things helped add to the feelings that she did not want to think about, the feelings that she was so certain that she could do nothing about. She needed him around in some shape or she felt like she was going to have a complete and total breakdown soon. So, she called him and wasted no time going through the motions that she had been so desperately attempting to avoid.

“Hey, I’m bored,” she simply said as a greeting.

“I can come over right now and do something about that.”

“I’d like that,” she practically purred like a content kitten. She would like so much more, but she dared not speak such a thing. She had to take what she could get, not drive him away with talks that he did not seem to want to hear.

The line went dead as soon as those words left Monique’s mouth. Apparently, he was going to rush right over. She did not look at his eagerness in a good light for the most part, believing that he was just running over because he thought that she was easy or something like that. At least she had something that he liked, she pessimistically figured, even though she would like to be more to him than an event. She supposed that it said something that he never called her stating that he was “bored.” Maybe he had a little respect for her, she considered; it could just as easily be misplaced hope, her mind countered to add to her usual doubt. He could just feel himself to be a man performing a service and therefore he did not have to call her, like a cable-man never called after fixing the television. Instead of getting money, he got…well, her in a manner that he seemed quite content with. There was always the chance that he just thought that she was a slut.

A pain shot through her like being struck by lightning, a common occurrence when Monique figured that he probably considered her a slut. Considering how she treated him, calling him only when she was “bored,” it would be an understandable conclusion to draw. But, it would be rather false in her opinion. She did not get “bored” for anyone but him, after all. She just never said that, like a lot of other things. They never talked much, which was a pain in and of itself.

They never really talked much in the beginning when they met, which happened to be through mutual friends. She felt like they could have been great friends, maybe even more, if they had tried. He never really seemed too interested in her, though and she tried to act aloof to avoid embarrassing herself. It was about that time that she figured out that she was crushing; she hated crushing. She acted so stupid when she was crushing, like her best friend actually, and by trying to keep that in check, she painted herself into a peculiar little corner that allowed her to call him when she was “bored,” but did not allot her courage to ask him out on a date or even to just hang out.

Monique recalled that she had been caught off guard by a boyish smile that he got right before laughing, and he did plenty of laughing considering who his best friend was. Once she was trapped with that, she had to find out that he was smart to go along with cute. And to top matters off, he was fun to be around, even though she never had a chance to truly enjoy that back then because she had been trying her best not to act like a moron around him. She mostly could see that he was fun from the way that he ran around with Ron. He was the perfect guy and the more that she noticed that, the more her crushing grew into something deeper. Unfortunately her behavior never changed and he never seemed interested in her, so now they were where they were and that was only thanks to a drunken party that got way out of control. Apparently, when it came to him, she could only get her courage out of a bottle.

Monique decided to not dwell on things or she would only end up getting depressed. After all, thinking about missed chances and cowardice that persisted to that day was nothing to think about now that she was finally going to see him. She should be happy that he was on his way. She was taking what she could get, which was better than getting nothing at all and just feeling empty all of the time. Maybe she could go a little above and beyond, but not too much to where she scared him off. She did not want things to be too out of the norm that he might find himself uncomfortable when he came in. So, she tried to think of some small thing that she could do that she usually would not when he was coming around. Well, maybe she could straighten up a bit because that might not even catch his eye, she thought. He might not think anything of it, which would actually bother her.

She wanted him to notice her in some way beyond their usual scheme. If only he could see how much that she had to offer, she liked to believe that he would finally take a real notice of her and a true interest in her. Maybe then, he would hopefully make a move and get her out of her perpetual stupor, her cowardly behavior that damn near disgusted her. She was not a coward, she hollered in her head. And then she shook that away to avoid bothering herself.

The wavy-haired female looked around her quaint one bedroom apartment, cleaning would not only show a small effort, but also keep her mind off of some rather awful thoughts that she needed to be having. It was hard to tell that there was a plush baby blue carpet on the floor considering the fact that she had clothes littering the place. She was not dirty, but had a habit of just throwing her clothes anyway after coming in from work. She grabbed her small, tan, plastic hamper and began gathering up her dirty laundry to get that in its proper place. Once her floor was visible again, she decided to take a vacuum to it.

“The place should look a little nice for him…” Monique commented to the air. It might raise his opinion or her or something. She was not sure, but she was going to keep cleaning now that she started.

Monique often knew that she was acting irrational or even silly when it came to him. There was no method to her madness, she thought. She just wanted to keep bad thoughts away now and she wanted him to figure out that she was worthwhile beyond their typical dance. She wanted him to see her for more than what they did without getting frightened away, thinking that she was trying to take more from him than he was willing to give her.

She opened her windows to air the place out and also lit an incense, which she did not plan to keep burning for too long. She did not want her home to smell like sandalwood when he showed up because she thought that a lingering pleasant aroma might imply something more than what they had planned and she did not to give off that idea because it might scare him off. After all, he never really showed an interest in exploring anything more than their current routine. She did not want him to think that she was trying to set the scene or the mood or anything since they never did have a simply romantic encounter.

Monique considered, as she often did, changing into something a bit more flattering. She was wearing a ripped, sleeveless, white tee-shirt and some raggedy midnight blue shorts that stopped mid-thigh; both items far from sexy, even though they showed off much of her soft, chocolate skin. She would like to show him that she could be sexy, especially for him, but she did not want to seem too over the top. She did not want to seem like she wanted more of his attention, which she thought that sexy clothing would imply. She did not want it to seem like she wanted more from him since he did not seem to want to deliver.

The coffee-eyed young woman considered that something was wrong with her because of the way that she behaved when it came to him. She knew that it was her feelings that ruined her thoughts. Everything seemed so illogical and wrong, as if her common sense abandoned her in all regards when the mere thought of him entered her head. After all, if her common sense remained, she would have long ago decided that this was no way to live. She was disrespecting herself by behaving in such a way, but she did not stop because she wanted him close in whatever form that she could get. But, the stupid thing was that she never tried for more out of fear that it would drive him away. If he left her, she would always feel that yearning, which she would not be able to take.

She was taken from her jumbled thoughts as there was a knock on her door. Wow, that was quick, she thought. She went to blow out the incense stick that was burning and then rushed to the door, although she did not open it immediately, not wanting to seem eager about his arrival. She asked who was there after a few seconds of decidedly silly silence, even though she knew who it was. She opened the door after he answered, turning the tumbler top lock and then the lock on the doorknob before yanking the white-painted, metallic apartment door open.

“Hey,” Felix said with a controlled smile when his knock-out former classmate was revealed to him. He was fighting not to grin and show off his extreme joy with the fact that she finally contacted him. It had been weeks since she called, complaining of “boredom.” He waited patiently, wanting desperately to see her at least, but daring not to call her because that would be against their usual routine. He feared that going against their norm would drive her away. His greatest fear was to do something that would prompt her to never call him again.

Felix liked Monique, despite the fact that she seemed to be using him. Back when Kim and Ron first introduced them, he took in the fact that Monique was cute. He also noticed that she was intelligent and fun, mostly through her interactions with Kim since she never showed much interest in him. He tried a couple of times to approach her, but every time he did, Ron came out of nowhere with something to do or Kim would pull Monique away with something to do. After a while, he decided to take the hint that she was not into him, but some part of him did not seem to listen. He continued to like her, even after claiming to take the hint, but he did not try to get her to take much notice of him. He liked her enough to disrespect himself and let her use him when she was “bored.” He took her “boredom” in a different way than she actually meant it because she never explained what she meant.

“I guess you were bored too since you got here so fast,” Monique remarked casually, smirking as if she was amused. It was a good front because underneath it all, she was silently begging that he come in and never leave.

“Nothing better to do,” he replied nonchalantly with a shrug to further push his lie. He wished that he could have flown there when they hung up from their brief phone call. She did not know what she did to him, he thought. He felt like he would walk again upon her command if it would only bring her closer to him.

“Get in here,” she playfully commanded him, pointing to the interior of the apartment with her thumb.

Felix obeyed with a smile on his face, looking amused, but feeling quite differently. He wished that there were more to his visit than their usual song and dance. He wished that they could at least change the song; he did like the dance after all. He just wanted things to go differently between them because he wanted there to be more between them than what happened as am accident. It was a good accident because it did get her to finally notice him. He just wanted her to notice more of him.

He would have liked for them to have corrected the little accident that they had almost a year ago at a party. Instead, they seemed to repeat the accident since she seemed to like it. He delighted in making her happy, but he wanted something more fulfilling with her. He was not too sure on how to go about that since she seemed content with the way that things were.

The brunette young man glanced around the apartment a bit, trying not to be too obvious about it for some reason that was beyond him. Maybe it was just nervousness on his part, fearing that Monique might think he was acting peculiar. It seemed that they were both a bit irrational, thinking that the smallest things would be looked at as weird and would send the other running for the hills.

He noted the faint scent of sandalwood lingering in the air, which had a bit of a soothing affect on his torn emotions toward his hostess. But, the scent brought out more longing underneath all of his feelings at the same time. How he wished that he had been there earlier to enjoy the scent when it was fresh, to have seen what Monique used to get the fragrance wafting through her home, to have been able to help in the effort to make the place smell as it did. He wished that he could just be in the apartment with no purpose whatsoever except to relax with a wonderful woman who did not seem to want him beyond their current entanglement.

Felix did note that the apartment was just a little cleaner than usual. He wondered if it was because of his visit; he could be hoping for too much though, his mind had no problem pointing out. He felt flattered by the thought of Monique straightening up for him because it somehow showed that she cared more than just their situation seemed to show, but that probably was not the case, he told himself. He moved on quickly though because he did not want it to seem like he was acting strange. He did not want to do anything that might put her off and get him kicked out.

Monique watched Felix as he went directly to the bedroom, as always. She sighed; it was very low to make sure that he did not hear her sound of despair. If only he knew just what he did to her, she thought while locking the front door again. If only he knew that if he talked to her for a few minutes as if they were friends, it would make her week, maybe even her year. She shook the thoughts away, feeling that she did not have time to have an internal monologue or she would be standing there all day. She then followed slowly behind him, giving him a chance to set himself up.

Felix was in the bedroom, leaning down to untie his shoes and pulling those off before pushing himself out of his chair and moving onto the bed with the aid of the nightstand. The bed was made, which was typical of her room. He lay down on the top of the comfortable, teal-colored spread. The mattress below him barely made a displeased sound as he moved onto it, as if it was telling him to get off and do something differently to stop the cycle. He did not listen and just continued on. He leaned his back and head onto the matching pillows that were at the head of the bed. He then waited for her like always and tried his best not to let his thoughts wander. He failed.

He rubbed his smooth chin while thinking about how happy he would be if he could just rest in the bed one day. He would not have to do anything, just be able to lay there for the whole day and be lazy. Maybe he could cuddle Monique, but nothing more than that. It would be such a fulfilling moment for him. He would be able to hold onto the woman that captured his soul so long ago.

Felix felt like he was chasing the sun with Monique, a life giving star that was only going to burn him in the end if he ever caught her since he believed that she did not feel the same about him as he did her. He would not mind such a death, assuming he would get to let her know his actual feelings before he was burnt to a crisp. He shook the thoughts away when his hostess appeared before him.

Monique seemed to materialize in the room as far as Felix was concerned, suddenly appearing on his lap as if she knew magic it seemed. He was not going to complain if she did appear out of thin air or if she did know magic. He knew that she enchanted him and that was all that mattered.

Monique liked her current seat and thought about what it would like to be able to sit there other times rather than just on the bed. She bet that watching television on his lap would be quite relaxing. She would cuddle up to his chest, breathe in his strong, wonderful scent, and it would be nice for him to wrap his arm around her waist, securing her in place. But, that was wishful thinking as far as she was concerned.

Felix looked up at her while Monique looked down at him, earth meeting sky, true intentions buried so deep that all the other could see was a sparkle in them, which was only the tip of the iceberg. To make things worse, they both assumed that sparkle was merely lust. As enjoyable as it was to be physically desired as they were by the other, how their hearts cried out for more, but neither heard the desperate cries.

“You’re so sexy,” Felix whispered with awe in his voice to the goddess on his lap, hoping that the tone was not crossing the imaginary line that existed in their minds. He wished that he could tell her how beautiful he believed she was and that he thought she was a goddess, but that would go way beyond the routine. He could not change the song out of fear, but his heart clenched painfully in his chest for not telling his real feelings.

Monique only smirked, looking even sexier in Felix’s opinion. Although she did have a predatory cat look going on and the expression probably would have made him nervous anywhere else. Still, at the moment, she was just plain sexy and the definition of beautiful to him.

Monique did enjoy when the brunette young man complimented her, even if it was something generic and something that she doubted. How could she be sexy considering the outfit that she had on? She did not care and did not analyze the compliment. She was just going to accept it because it came from him.

“You’re too cute,” she decided to say, sounding as if she was teasing, but she meant it. He was more than cute. He was like a handsome prince to her and she wanted to let him know that, but her mouth could not utter that sentence. He might think that she was getting clingy or something like that, she thought, and she did not want to fathom what might happen if he figured that she was getting clingy.

Felix smiled, once again it was a controlled expression because he did not want to seem like he was overeager. Monique leaned down and kissed him, which he returned. It was hard for them to just enjoy the embrace, though; much like their time together. They could not get fully into the kiss, even though they would love to just lose themselves in each other. They could not get very into anything around each other, always consciously restraining themselves to avoid scaring off the other.

They both believed that they had to be very conscious of what they were doing when they kissed because neither of them wanted their true affections to sneak into the embrace. God, how they both wished that they could show the other all of the passion that they had for the other, but they just did not want to risk it. So, what others might perceive as simple activities like exchanging a kiss was actually a draining, torturous exercise for them, although it was equally fulfilling.

While cautiously kissing each other, almost driving each other mad for want of putting more into the kiss, they worked each other out of their clothing. It took Monique longer to do so than Felix since she had to get him out of street clothes, but he was thankfully wearing a plain, long sleeve shirt; it was nice outside, but not enough for a tee-shirt. She made rather quick work of the shirt, wanting to see him and feel him, not caring if it made her look eager. He was the same way, actually tearing her shirt a bit when ripping it off of her; she just did not notice because of her own task. He did not think too much of his actions once he freed her from the shirt.

Felix exhaled loudly when Monique was bare from the waist up. No matter how many times he got to see her, he was certain that the sight would always amaze and impress him. He wanted to tell her that, but kept all verbal homage to himself. Instead, he indulged his hands by reaching out and caressing her; the touch was a mix between tender and fervent, which came from how he wanted to worship her, but also from the fact that it had been so long since he last got to touch her.

Monique whimpered into his mouth as Felix manipulated her sensitive skin. She pulled away from his lips to just appreciate the ecstasy brought on by his incredible touch before leaning down to kiss him again. She went back to trying to get him out of his shirt while he continued deeply caressing her magnificent flesh.

Her hands began wandering his powerful chest when she got his shirt off. His torso was smooth while being cut with muscles. She traced almost every line with her fingertips. She wanted to pull away from him and trail kisses all over his body, but she was not sure if they had time for something like that. She did not know when he needed to leave; her mind did not bother to point out he never seemed in a hurry to get out when their dance was done.

She eventually made it to removing his pants and her own shorts. He watched her for a moment as she covered him to insecure that there would be no unforeseen mistakes and then she was looming over him again. They both threw their heads back and growled a bit when she impaled herself upon him. They both also thanked whatever divine being that existed that Felix still functioned to allow them to be joined, even though an accident from a long time ago had taken his legs from him as far as walking was concerned.

He gripped her thighs as she rolled her hips, causing them both to moan. His hands wandered her nude form in great appreciation while she worked above him, leaving him thinking that she was sating her “boredom” when in fact she had ceased to be “bored” the second that she opened the front door and let him into her home. She felt like softest silk, so precious and wonderful to him. He wished that he could touch her like that forever and always. She wished that she could feel his hands on her for the same amount of time because it felt like he was paying her devotion with his lovely touches.

At the height of it all, they both had the same thought, which they believed to be very wrong. They often wished to discover that the condom broke, only because it would give them an excuse to talk to each other beyond the usual act. Sure, it would be an awkward conversation, but they would be talking to each other. They did not want anything physical to come from such an accident as they were well aware that they were not ready to be parents, but they were dying for a reason to just talk to each other. Even if it was just to weigh the possibilities of a pregnancy or for them both to discover that they were quite clean, so they did not have to worry about diseases. They just wanted to talk to the other in some form beyond the script of their little song and dance. Maybe something could come from a little conversation, no matter what the topic.

Monique collapsed on top of Felix, both of them breathing as if they had run a marathon. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her in a loving manner. He could only met himself halfway though, embracing her, but making it seem like he just wanted to secure her in place so that she did not fall. She flinched slightly at the surprising hug.

“Oh, my god, he’s holding me!” Monique declared jubilantly in her mind, even though she tensed for a just a second because he surprised her with the move.

Felix noticed that Monique had tensed for that brief moment and his heart sank deeper into his unfulfilled love that was covered with hurt and agony. He thought that she had flinched because she did not like the new move, so he removed his hands. He nearly pouted from the fact that he believed that she did not want to be held by him.

The coffee-eyed female held in a sorrowful whimper that wanted so badly to escape her clenching throat when Felix’s hands left her. She had dared to hope that he would hold her and she would have happily returned the favor while resting on top of him, but it would seem that he was not interested in doing so and she was not going to chase him away by embracing him. She moved off of him, setting to the empty space on the bed. They just lay there in silence for a very long moment.

Monique deeply desired to tell Felix that she loved him, but instead she said, “Thanks for that.”

Felix would have responded that he loved her too if she had made that declaration. His real response was, “Anytime, babe,” in a smooth tone, almost making light of their situation. It was the same song and dance as always.

How cruel, they both thought. They were mere inches from the person that they loved, but it felt like light years and they suspected that it would always feel like that. They both could only wonder if they would always be cowards. Would they always fear chasing the other one way? Would they always be stuck longing, hurting, and only be able to see each other due to a misunderstood call of boredom? It was just no way to live and they both knew that.

Next time: Justine and…Brick Flagg??? How does that even work?

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