Cognitive Dissonance

Chapter 6

Help! I Need Somebody

King in Yellow

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TITLE: Help! I Need Somebody

AUTHOR: King in Yellow

DISCLAIMER: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

SUMMARY: Sequel to Best Enemies.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 3990

Some people call it freshmanitis, a mental disease effecting many first year college students away from parental supervision. The most common symptom is an inability to finish class assignments. In the days before states set the drinking age at twenty-one it was also routine to find people with only hazy recollections of their entire freshman year.

“You're turning into a nag,” Kim complained. “When was the last time we sat on the Green and made out? When was the last time you called me pumpkin?”

“It was a five days ago. Come on, Kim, I'm worried about you. Other people are worried about you.”

“I'm doing okay. I can get my work finished by the end of the semester.”

“Pick up your stuff, we're going back to the dorm.”

“It's only 8:00!”

“You need to go to your room.”

“Please, I'm sorry I called you a nag. You're not going to dump me are you?”

“No, we need to talk. We need a better place to talk.”

“But Bonnie might be in the room.”

“Come on, we're leaving now.”

Bonnie was in the room when they got back. So were Ron, Monique, Mustapha Kemal, and Kim's mom. No one was smiling.

“Why do I not think this is a surprise party?”

“No, it's not a party,” Shego said as she moved to the point in the room furthest from Dr. Kemal, “it's an intervention.”

“Kim, I have seen your mid-term grades. I've talked with your teachers,” her faculty advisor told her. “At the rate you are going you will fail three classes -- and you are not doing well in the other two.”

“They will drop you from the cheerleading squad, Possible. I'll win.”

“You haven't turned in an assignment for English Comp in the last three weeks. You're not even making it to class half the time.”

“Well, at least you show up for Western Civ., but I think I'm doing better than you in the class. Ooooh, scary thought, Ron better than Kim in something besides cooking.”

“What's the problem, Kim?” her mother asked. “Your dad and I always felt like you were very responsible. Do you need us to tell you when to get up and when to do your homework?”

Kim glared at Shego, “You set this up.”

“Not completely. We're all concerned. I think Monique called me first to ask what was going on. I can't remember if it was your mom or Dr. Kemal who suggested hiring a personal trainer to get you back on track.”

“A personal trainer?”

“Yes Kim,” said Dr. Kemal. “I have spoken with your teachers. I have told them you missed assignments because of missions and asked for extensions so you could catch up. You will disappoint me greatly -- and make me look bad in the eyes of the other faculty -- if you do not follow through.”

“Please, Kim,” Jean Possible pleaded. “Don't take five years to finish your first four years of college. You need help. Some of us aren't going to leave until you agree to use a personal trainer to turn yourself around.”

“So, I can accept now or you'll keep pressuring me until I do?”

“You're stubborn, Kim. If you thought you were right you'd never agree. But you know we're right, don't you?”

“I guess. Okay. When do I meet this trainer?”

Jean Possible turned to Dr. Kemal, “I think we can leave now. Ron, you can leave with us. Monique and Shego have to give Kim the rules. I don't think she is going to like them.”

Bonnie had a broad smile on her face as the three left the room.

“Okay,” Kim demanded. “My FRIENDS thought I needed an intervention. Fine. Why is she here?”

“Kim, Bonnie is going to be your personal trainer.”



“Sorry Monique, pardon my French. But there is no way Bonnie's going to be my personal trainer.”

“No Kim, Bonnie is the perfect choice. She is highly disciplined, always has her work done on time, and is in a position to monitor you closely.”

“She's an obsessive-compulsive sadist.”

“Oh, Kim, you say the sweetest things,” Bonnie smirked.

Shego saw Kim's hands curl into fists. “Sit down at your desk. Let's give you the rules.”

“First, and most important,” Monique began. “She isn't going to ask you to do anything she isn't doing herself. Do you think Bonnie is tougher than you?”


“Do you think you can't keep up with a theater major?”

“No way. I thought you said this was work.”

“Oh, it's going to be work,” Shego assured her. “Bonnie told me her schedule. She's betting against you. She doesn't think you can do it. Now, I'm in charge of positive and negative reinforcement. I'm going to try and stop by every evening for a progress report -- before your 10:00 bed time--”


“If she can do, you can do it. Now, if you did well during the day you will get one of those wonderful little Godiva hearts -- the dark, bitter-sweet chocolate --”

“With the butter cream center?”

“Yes. But, if Bonnie says you failed -- she gets the chocolate.”

“But she'll just fail me every day.”

“You can listen to what she says, present your case if you think she isn't reporting it fairly.”

“I trust Shego's judgment,” Bonnie told her. “Oh, Shego -- I prefer the milk chocolate to bitter-sweet. Buy plenty. I don't think Kim will be getting many.”

After Monique left Bonnie went to the lounge to give Kim and Shego a few minutes together.

“Sorry, Princess, but we really think you need help.”

“You may be right, but it hurts anyway.”

“I know. Oh, and your mother agreed to let me give you one more incentive. I didn't want to mention it when the others were here. If you can rescue a B average for the semester she will let me give you a very special reward.”

“VERY special?”

“VERY, VERY special. She didn't want to agree, but she did.”

“What is it?”

“No, you have to earn it first -- and you're a long way from a B average.”

Kim didn't sleep well that night, upset by her friends and family turning on her. She was still going to classes -- some of the time. She could have turned the semester around without help -- she was sure of it.


“Wakey-wakey! Go down to the bathroom and do anything you have to do while I get dressed. We're out of here in twenty-minutes.”

Kim pulled the pillow over her head.

“Oh, you're making it too easy Kim, you're quitting before you even start. Can't keep up with a theater major?”

Kim stumbled down the hallway to the bathroom.


“You really need to declare a major.”

“Bonnie, I'm only a freshman. I don't have to declare until I'm a junior. I'm just getting general education classes out of the way and deciding what I want to do.”

“Yes, but the earlier you know the sooner you can focus on what is important.”

“Like being a drama queen.”

“Absolutely. They only give out keys to majors -- only two freshmen have them.”

Bonnie let them into the drama building and led Kim to the dance studio. “I do a half hour of Tai Chi to limber up before dance. You can do whatever exercises you want, we go back for breakfast in an hour and a half.


“Do we have to eat breakfast together?”

“Personal trainer, remember? Oh, take less of that greasy stuff and more fruit -- it will help with the oily complexion.”


“Thanks for going to the lounge while I got dressed. Now, you have done the required reading for your 9:00, haven't you?”


“God! You are Kim Impossible. Sit down and do what you can before you leave for class.”


“Move it, you're going to be late.”

“I'm almost done. It will be nice to have the chapter read first.”

“And rude if you get to class late. Oh, meet me back here at noon for lunch. I have class too. Give me a journal, half-hour entries for how you spend your time between the end of Comp and noon.”


“Salad, Kim, more salad.”

As they returned to their dorm room after lunch Bonnie asked, “Now, are you ready for your one o'clock?”

“Not really.”

“Give me your journal, Kim. What did you do in the last two hours? I have a two o'clock class -- when I get back to the room I want your desk clean and to see you reading or writing. Oh, keep up the journal, half hour entries.”


“Okay, the desk looks better. What are you working on?”

“A Western Civ. paper.”

“Good, when is it due?”

“It was due, uh, a week or so ago.”

“Get it finished. Oh, I'll be in the lounge watching TV if you need me.”

“You get to watch TV? What about me?”

“Kimmie, I'm current in all my assignments. I have two chapters to read today, but I can take off an hour. I'll be back in here at four-thirty working. Dinner is at six.”


Kim irritated Bonnie at dinner by deliberately choosing a balanced meal.


“Laundry time Kim.”

“Come on, I'm going home this weekend. I'll wash it then.”

“You'll wash it, or you'll let mommie wash it? It's starting to smell in here. Strip the bed -- it's been too long since you did your sheets.”

Bonnie gave Kim a failing grade that evening. “…and then she refused to do laundry!”

“Is that true, Kim?”

Kim sullenly nodded her head.

“Sorry, Kim. Bonnie gets the chocolate.”

Kim angrily watched Bonnie nibble the dark chocolate.

“Oh, Shego? Kim really did much better today than I expected. Maybe she could turn the semester around if she wanted. But I don't think she can keep it up. She'll take a swing at me within the week.”

Which left Kim in a quandary. If she punched Bonnie the way she wanted it would prove Bonnie right. The best way to annoy Bonnie would be to do what Bonnie wanted.

Two nights later Bonnie gave her first approval of Kim's day. “She got lucky. She's behind in every class, but she's not moving backwards anymore. It will take her a month to catch up -- if she has the guts.”

Kim and Shego lay on the top bunk, Kim's head pillowed on Shego's left arm. Shego was up on one elbow, feeding Kim the chocolate heart with her free hand. Bonnie conveniently left for the lounge. Kim didn't care whether it was to give them some privacy or in disgust at the display of affection.

“Oh, not much left,” Shego said, noticing only a small piece of chocolate remained in her fingers. “We'd better share it.” And she popped the last morsel in her mouth.

The long, deep, chocolate-mint kiss left Kim breathing heavily.

“And that's supposed to encourage me to work harder?”

Shego smiled at her, “Doesn't it?”

“Sure does,” and Kim pulled Shego's lips down to her own.

A couple weeks later Shego and Kim walked back with Bonnie after watching her in The Mikado. Shego and Bonnie sang songs from the operetta on the way; Kim remained silent. They left Bonnie at the dorm, she waved to the two and called to Shego, “She's been a good girl for the last week. You can keep her out until midnight. Kim, you can sleep in until 7:30 tomorrow -- you don't have to go to the studio.”

The couple continued towards C2K. They walked hand-in-hand, but there was a tension between them. “What's the matter, Princess?”

“It's been more than three months since our talk with my Mom and Dad. Why haven't we made love yet? Are you mad at me because I'm doing poorly in class? Do you not want me? Are you pulling away again? Is this sort of test -- are you withholding sex to make me study harder? Is that your very special reward -- if I do well enough you'll give me a treat? That isn't very nice.”

“No, I'd never do that to you. We promised your parents we'd wait at least three months. We didn't promise them to jump into bed five minutes after the three months ended.” Shego pulled the younger woman off the path and held her in her arms, “I want you. But I want our first time together to be special. Right now you're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I want us to have time together over break. If you don't make your B average I will love you and we will find a way to be together. If you make your B average, I have a special way for us to be together. I'm not trying to test or punish you. If you really think that we can check into a Motel 6 right now. Trust me Kim, you deserve better than that.”

“You're not punishing me?”

Shego kissed her gently, “I want our first time together to be something we remember for the rest of our lives. I want it to be as special for you as you are to me. I want--” And whatever else Shego wanted was lost as Kim pulled her into a kiss as long and passionate as Shego's had been soft and gentle.

Bonnie's schedule allowed no time for Team Possible missions. Fortunately Ron demonstrated he was capable handling most situations. Shego took a couple herself -- “just to fight the boredom,” she told Wade. And on a couple occasions Shego and Ron combined for a joint venture.

“Is this the only thing open in Middleton at three in the morning?” Shego complained.

“Do you think we'd be here if we had a choice? You said you were hungry.”

“This place may make me change my mind.”

“Kim and I sometimes come here after missions. Say, will capturing Professor Dementor hurt your reputation?”

“Nah, he and Drakken despise each other. He'll just think I was there to mess up his domination plan. Unless they got a good look at the boy sidekick -- but no one pays attention to you.”

“What do you mean, sidekick?”

“Everyone knows Kim goes around with a boy sidekick -- that's why no one pays any attention to you.”

“Kim and I are partners.”


“And even if I was Kim's sidekick that doesn't mean I would be yours.”

“Get real. When you took your hero aptitude test it had to come back marked comedy relief. You just aren't partner material. Everyone knows what's-his-name is sidekick for a girl. So today you were mine.”

Ron started to protest when the waitress came by for their order. By the time they had ordered he was ready to change the subject.

“What is this size thing with guys?” Shego asked, “Dementor is a short man -- so he's going to shrink everyone in the world down to six inches tall so he can be the biggest man on earth? Please, the man needs therapy more than he needs a shrink ray.”

“Easy for you to say. Dementor nearly sat on me by accident. It had to be my scariest moment ever as a crime fighter. I mean, when you're only six inches tall his butt looked forty feet wide. You ever faced a forty foot butt?”

“Every time I look in the mirror. What do you think Stoppable, do these tights make my ass look fat?”

“You're fishing for compliments, Shego. Oh, nice bait.”

Shego had a question as they finished their early breakfast. “Hey, Stoppable, are you really Jewish?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

“Well, you--”

“-- don't look Jewish. Yeah. None of us do. And, okay, I'm not very observant. What's the point.”

“Actually, I had a question. My grandmother was born Jewish--”

“Grandmother? Which grandmother?”

“Mother's mother. Now--”

“What do you mean, born Jewish?”

“You've got to stop interrupting and let me ask my question at some point. Grandma was born in Hungary during the Nazi occupation. Her parents gave her to Christians to raise before all the Jews in the town were rounded up. No relative ever came back to claim her after the war I don't think anyone came back to the village after the war. Grandma was raised Catholic, came to this country in the late fifties…”

Ron stared at Shego -- “She's one of the lost children.”


“Remember Madelyn Albright, former Secretary of State? Besides the millions killed there were hundred, probably thousands who lost their Jewish identity during the war. Shego, you're Jewish.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jewish identity is determined by the mother. If your mother is Jewish -- you're Jewish. It's basic Halakah.”

“Hall of wha?”

“Halakah, Jewish law. I mean I should have seen it. It explains the short temper, the sarcasm, the mood swings. You're a classic example of why Jewish guys go for shiksas.”

“What's a shiksa?”

“Kim is. You're not. I need to write her a sympathy note.”

“Get real Stoppable. I don't care what Halakah says I am. Grandma considered herself a good Catholic. Last I knew Mom was a back-slidden Episcopalian, and I'm not much of anything.”

“We can debate that sometime later. Some Rabbis think you can renounce Jewish identity by going Christian. But you say you're not much of anything. If your grandmother was one of the lost children almost any congregation will accept you as Jewish.”


“Really. Mazel Tov!”

Shego had utterly forgotten the question she meant to ask.

The phone call did not make Kim happy. “Guys, it's three-thirty in the morning. What are we doing here? I have to get up in another hour and a half.”

“We'll be done by then.”

“That's not the point, Ron. The point is I'm tired.”

“We need you to judge a competition. Shego and me.”

“Where is Shego?”

“She's disabling the alarms.”


“Hey, the three of us in there? We're more effective than any burglar alarms.”

Shego opened the side door and Kim and Ron entered the warehouse. “It's pretty empty, most of the inventory has gone out for Christmas sales. We didn't want to make it too hard for you.”

“So, what's the competition?”

“Stoppable thinks we're partners. I say he's still sidekick. We're going to play a little hide-and-seek. You find Ron first, he's sidekick. You find me first, we're partners.”

“You got me up at three-thirty so you two can play hide-and-go-seek!”

“Sorry Princess, I'll make it up to you.” Shego gave her a big hug.

“Hey, no trying to influence the judge.”

Kim looked over to say something to Ron, but he had vanished. When she looked back Shego had also.

The warehouse was fairly big, but mostly empty, it couldn't be that hard.

Fifteen minutes into the competition Kim heard a thud and Ron's voice.

“Ooow! I was here first.”

“I'm here now, Stoppable.”

By the time Kim got to the spot where she thought the voices came from she found no one.

About fifteen minutes later…

“Hey, you touch me there again, Stoppable, and you lose the hand!”

“So worth it!”

Forty-five minutes into the competition Kim found it too creepy. She had looked at every possible hiding place in the warehouse three times. “Game is over guys! I can't find you. Call it a draw!”

Shego's voice, eerily distorted to keep Kim from locating the source, floated to her, “Oh, we realized you weren't going to find us twenty minutes ago.”

Ron's voice, also distorted, continued, “So we changed the rules.”

“You what!”

“We're playing tag. If I can get close enough to touch you without being seen I win.”

“Not going to happen, Stoppable. I'll take this as easily as I should have taken hide-and-seek.”

“No, No, NO!” Kim called, “It was bad enough being referee for you two. I refuse to be the goal post. You two creep me out.” She turned slowly, scanning the warehouse one last time. At the end of the turn both Ron and Shego were there.

“So, how many times did you tag her Stoppable. I only managed about six.”

Ron's jaw dropped. “She's lying KP, there is no way to get that close to you without you knowing it!”

“I thought you might make that sissy excuse, so I tore up a piece of paper I found on the floor. Kim, what's in your top right pocket?”

Kim checked. “My Kimmunicator… and a torn piece of paper.”

“Check your top left pocket.”

“Keys, and a piece of paper.”

“Back right?”

“Wallet, and a piece of paper.”

“Back left?”

“Piece of paper.”

“Do I need to continue Stoppable, or will you admit defeat.”

Ron bowed to Shego, “I am honored to serve as your sidekick.”

She returned his bow, “I am honored to have you.”

Shego went back to campus with Kim. “Okay, Shego, that was really scary.”

“Huh, you really thought I could tag you without being seen?”

“You didn't?

“Then how did you get those bits of paper into my pockets.”

Shego laughed. “Oh, I knew from the start you'd never be able to find either of this in there. No offense, Kim. So I figured I'd suggest going to tag at some point and Stoppable would agree.”

“I still don't understand.”

“Do you remember the big hug I gave you before we started?”


“Well, I planted the pieces of paper on you then.”

“Then you cheated, you didn't win. You have to tell Ron.”

“Oh, I cheated, but I did win -- and I'll bet Ron figures is out. Skill was only half of our contest Kim. The other half was deception and misdirection. I think I still have him beat in skill, and I know I have him beat at deception and misdirection. I won fair and square.”

A few days later Kim returned to the dorm after class. She opened the door to find Bonnie applying make-up to -- Kim Possible.


The Kim on the chair opened emerald green eyes to look into Kim's own darker green eyes. “Deception and misdirection, Kim.”

“Who applied the body makeup?”

“Come on Kim, it's just on what shows.” Bonnie told her, “I didn't have her strip naked in front of me and rub it on her breasts, caressing them as her nipples stiffened under my touch --”

“Sit down Kim, killing your roomie is still murder. Teasing won't give you a plea of justifiable homicide.”

Kim sat down, sulking, as Bonnie finished getting ‘Kim’ ready.

“So where am ‘I’ going this evening?”

“'You’ and Ron are speaking at a statewide Big Brothers meeting on the value of staying in school. We'll probably do a little martial arts demonstration too. Oh, Bonnie, are you sure the wig will stay on?”

“Trust me, I'm a theater major.”

“Like, you can tell kids the value of staying in school?” Kim complained.

Bonnie interrupted, “Like, hello, Kim Possible who is in danger of flunking out of college will be a role model? Monique says you still have an English Comp assignment. Get your butt on the chair and start writing or tonight's Godiva is mine.”

The semester finally wound to it's close. “Ready for you last final, Kim?”

“Yeah. Oh, Bonnie, I just wanted to say…”

“Thank you?”

“No, I wanted to say ‘Drop dead,’ but you wouldn't get the joke. Would you be willing to accept the title of my worst friend?”

“I guess so, that seems to hit it.”

“Would you accept me giving you a hug?”

“Uh, I'd rather not.”

“How about a kiss, can I slip you a little tongue?”


“God, Bonnie, you are just too easy to freak out.”

“Remember that when you come back from your final and I've had the lock changed on the door.”

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