“SHEGO! I LOVE YOU!”
Shego heard.
Shego stopped.
But Shego did not turn around. Not yet. She wanted to keep going, and a part of her mind even wondered what the hold-up was. Running away had been easy. And now… Now running away would be even easier! FAR easier than dealing with this. Kim loved her? LOVED her? Was Shego ready for that? Did Shego… love… Kim?
The 'L' word. Shego had never – she told herself - “loved” anyone. Not even her brothers. Her parents? That was a long time ago – before she even was “Shego”. “Shego” had never “loved” anyone. She was independent! She was her own woman! NO ONE told her what to do, NO ONE stood in her way, she depended on NO ONE, and she needed NO -
Okay… we know THAT's bullshit, don't we, Shego… And I suppose you were about to say you weren't AFRAID of anyone, either. Yeah. You're one hard woman, Shego. So how come you won't turn around? So how come you keep running away? Chicken-shit.
She turned around, if only to prove to herself that she could, that she wasn't afraid. There stood Kim, in shouting range, but distant enough that Shego could feel… safe from her. “Safe” was getting to be such a frustration. “Safe” was getting… boring? No, not “boring”… more like “painful”. Being “safe” was starting to hurt.
She began walking towards Kim, her mind racing, wondering what she was going to do when she got there. She felt hollow, dazed, weak. She felt vulnerable. She felt an actual pain in her chest, a pain that wasn't a pain - yet she could feel it, all the same, right in the center.
Kim was terrified of being “a lesbian”. Shego was terrified of – Kim? No, Shego knew what it was that terrified her. It wasn't Kim.
It was herself. It was what Kim did to her.
What am I going to say? What am I going to say? What am I going to say? Shego asked herself the question like a mantra, not really expecting an answer. No doubt, she'd say something “safe” when she got there.
She was there, in front of Kim, who was obviously waiting for her to say something. Shego knew what that wait was like. That was fresh in her mind. But… what am I going to say?Kim had said I love you…
“But?” Oh, good, Shego. Yup, that's “safe” all right. Good show. Way to save face. You chicken-shit, stupid… The pain-that-wasn't in her chest went up a notch, unbelievable as that was.
Kim didn't answer right away. Yes, there was a “but”. Didn't Shego understand? How could she not know? Why was she making Kim say it out loud?
Kim finally answered the question with another question, “Don't… doesn't it bother you that people will know… that I'm… that I'd be… your girlfriend?”
That was it? Shego's eyes narrowed, and her forehead wrinkled – the question was… ridiculous! What the hell did she mean 'bother her'? 'BOTHER' her! Didn't Kim realize -
“Kimmie… I'd WANT people to know that you're my girlfriend! I'd want… EVERYONE to know that you're my girlfriend! I want it in the papers, I want it on TV, I want it on the radio - hell, I'd SCREAM it on the corner! I'll write it in the SKY! I want that idiot Howard Stern to ask me what it's like! I want Jay Leno to ask me how it happened! I want to kiss you on Letterman! Bother me! Fucking HELL, Kim!”
Kim stood open-mouthed and wide-eyed during Shego's rant, unable to think. Finally Shego was done, and just stood there, looking at her like Kim was some sort of weird and maybe dangerous insect. Okay, apparently it didn't “bother” her. In fact…
Completely unexpected, Kim realized something about the other girl. She realized that this was Shego's way of saying something she couldn't just say – in an exasperated rant. A smile played on Kim's lips…
“You love me” Kim said, as the truth sunk in.
The wrinkles disappeared from Shego's brow, her expression turning surprised. Uh-oh. Had she said that? She hadn't said that… Had she said that?
“Youuuuuu love me…”
“Kimmie…”
“You love me!” Her smile was beaming now.
“God-dammit, Kim…”
“YOU LOVE ME!”
Shego had had enough, “Fine! Dammit - I love you!”
The pain-that-wasn't just disappeared. So did the fear. Right up to now, Shego had been afraid of how Kim made her feel. Well, no more.
Kim loves Shego, and Shego loves Kim.
Kids “love” candy, too. Pet-owners “love” their cats and dogs. New-Yorkers “love” New York, actors “love” applause, sisters and brothers “love” each other - and so do “lovers”.
Kim and Shego had both known what they'd meant by “I love you”, despite their differences in expression of the phrase. But now, that night, after walking hand-in-hand back from the bridge, a plain dinner of salad, pasta, bottled spaghetti-sauce - and small-talk, Shego sitting on the bed pretending to read up on emergency thoracic procedures, and Kim staring at herself in the mirror of the bathroom, they wondered – had the other meant the same thing?
Because if they had… then the next step was obvious. That's what “lovers” do, right? “Make love”? Isn't that why people become “lovers” in the first place? And even if it isn't, always, isn't that how you're supposed to show it? Isn't that the proof? Isn't that… what's expected? Isn't that what SHE expects? They both assumed it was.
Kim tried not to think about it. Okay, she could do it… sure. No prob. Make love with another woman. Yeah. Not just “another woman”, of course – Shego. Whom she loved. So, that made it okay, right? And Shego loved her too. She'd said so… had she really meant it like Kim had? “Trying not to think about it” wasn't working so well.
Don't think about it. Just do it. It'll be okay. I just hope I don't… mess it up, somehow…
Kim swallowed, and stepped out of the bathroom in her pajamas. It was show-time. She stood in front of Shego, who put her book down and looked up at her. Kim's hair was still damp. Between that, the anxious expression on her face, and the flannel, pink-elephant pajamas, she just looked… adorable. Shego had to blink to clear her head, forgetting her own anxiety about what as “supposed” to happen for the moment. That place in the center of her chest where she'd felt the pain now swelled, perhaps explaining why she was finding it hard to breathe.
Slowly, not really knowing what to do at this point, Kim looked down at her top, and began unbuttoning her pajamas.
Oh fuck… Shego thought, ohfuck ohfuck ohfuck… She wants to do this! She wants to do this NOW! Oh FUCK!Even though she'd been “sort of” expecting this, it was obvious to her now that she wasn't ready. Not at all. Kim wanted to do it, and suddenly, Shego wasn't so sure that she did.
At least, Shego thought Kim wanted to do it. Because Kim wasn't exactly looking… real happy about it or anything. This wasn't how Shego had imagined it would be… Kim looked… Well, she didn't look excited about it, anyway. Not that Shego was either. But if Kim had been, Shego could have at least gone with the flow. As it was, it seemed, there was no “flow”, and they both appeared to be playing the parts they were expected to play. That's how Shego felt, and that's how Kim looked.
Kim… don't do this… don't do this unless you really want to…She got up and stood in front of Kim to say something, but couldn't think of what.
Then, on her second-to-last button, still looking down at herself, Kim sniffled. She sniffled because, if what was about to happen, happened - it would mark the end of many things for her. Pretty much everything she'd ever imagined her life would be like, in fact. She'd already let go of Ron… Was she ready to let go of everything?
No. But she would anyway. If Shego wanted her to. But it did feel like an ending.
Shego knew now that this had to be stopped, that Kim was just going through the motions she thought was expected of her. This couldn't happen this way. It would… it would ruin everything if Shego let this go on. But… how to stop it?
The last button undone, Kim lifted her hands to the collar of the pajamas at her breasts, preparing to expose herself. She still didn't look up, although she could see that Shego was standing right in front of her.
Before Kim could close her fingers around the material, Shego was holding both her wrists.
“Don't” was all Shego could think of to say. Now Kim looked up.
“But… I thought… you -”
“And I thought you, too, Kim” Shego interrupted. She sighed heavily, but didn't let go of Kim's wrists. She tried to think of how to put this. I don't think you're ready, Kim. That would shift the blame to Kim, make it sound like Shego was waiting on her. That would work. Kim would buy that.
But Shego couldn't do that. Kim was already scared enough… or sad enough… or… something enough. Shego wasn't going to save her dignity if it meant taking away Kim's.
“I'm just not ready for this. I… Kim, I don't know… I don't know what I am anymore. Y'know? I don't know what I want. I don't know how… I want us to be.” All true, anything that hard to say had to be true. But Kim didn't look any happier. If only things could be… “Remember yesterday, Pumpkin? Kissing on the bridge, spaghetti, kissing goodnight? That was a good day, wasn't it?”
Still looking into her eyes, Kim nodded and said, “Yeah. That was good.” Still not happy, but at least not sad anymore. Kim looked at her expectantly.
“Well… can we just keep it like that?” Shego asked, adding, “When we do this… I don't want it to be… like this. Ifwe do this, I mean. Let's just not… push it. Okay, Kim?”
That would fine with Kim, but it didn't answer the question she was dying to ask.
“Shego… did you mean it… when you said -”
“Yes. I love you, Kim. And I even thought I wanted to… But, it's kind of like…” try as she might, Shego couldn't think of a single appropriate analogy, “… it's the difference between imagining something and actually doing it, y'know?” She lowered her hands and let them slide into Kim's, holding them between their bodies as they stood there. “So… you're okay with waiting?” Shego needed to hear it, even if it was obvious.
Kim finally exhaled the breath she'd been unconsciously holding, “Yeah.” She let go of Shego's hand and began buttoning up her top again. “Thank you, God” she said under her breath.
Shego heard it though. Her trademark smirk appeared, “Well, it wouldn't have been that bad, Pumpkin.”
Kim couldn't help but smile.
Shego went on, “I mean, I'm pretty sure you would have lived through it…” Kim snorted and put her a hand over her mouth to hide her grin.
One last zing, “It wouldn't have been the End of the fucking World or anything…”
Finally, Kim laughed outright, and Shego - still smirking - felt like she had saved the world, for a change.
October was nearing, and it was time to move on. Kim had a lead that pointed her to San Diego – a long ways south from where they were. They knew better than to try to take the interstates to Los Angeles, and looked at the map to pick their route on secondary roads. Seeing places she'd only heard of so often, Kim wanted to take the scenic route – Yosemite, Death Valley, Sequoia National Park with the giant redwoods. Kim pointed out that she had enough reading and studying material for years now, so they were in no hurry. The Humvee was holding up well, so Shego was not hard to persuade.
The two-lane roads were thankfully fairly empty, and when they did run into jams, they were small ones and rarely involved the big trucks, so they made good time. They stopped at an overlook and gaped in tourist-style awe at Yosemite.
And in awe at the cheek-by-jowl city of RVs parked on the valley floor. They obviously weren't going there.
“Let's spend the night here” Kim suggested. Already early evening, the light was just beginning to play on the face of El Capitan. It was going to be a typically spectacular sunset.
“Yeah. Okay Kimmie. Anything for -” she stopped mid-sentence, hearing something rustling behind her. Something large. They both turned to see a fully-grown black bear snuffling it's way towards them. Kim went for her gun.
“Hold it” Shego whispered to her, catching Kim's hand on the holster.
“But -”
“Just be cool. He doesn't look hungry. Be cool.” The bear was still headed right for them. Kim wondered what the hell Shego's game was. This was a bear! A wild bear! And a damn big one, too! Coming right at them, snuffling and looking at them as it walked. It obviously had their scent, coming at them like that. He was probably fattening up for winter hibernation or something. What was Shego's plan? Use her plasma? Then why wasn't she lighting up? Why was she just standing there with that weird look on her face?
“She -” Kim began loudly.
“Shhh… It's okay. I'll handle it, all right?” She stepped forward, in front of Kim, between her and the bear.
Shego's plan for “handling it” was to let the bear kill her, if that's what it wanted to do. It wasn't so much a “plan” as it was simply a feeling she had. A feeling that overwhelmed her from out of nowhere, and yet was inescapable. She needed to atone. She needed it badly. The image of the living, burning bear in Colorado Springs kept replaying in her mind. She had done that. Not on purpose, but she had done it, nonetheless. And she was sorry. And she would pay, if payment was desired. She looked the bear right in the eye, thinking – without thinking - Here I am. If you want me, here I am. C'mon. I'm ready. I'm ready… Shego didn't even know that, if the bear had attacked her, she would have done nothing about it. An eye for an eye. A life for a life. Simple justice. Something she craved, for the first time. Something she would remember, too – wanting justice. So that's what it was like to be a good-guy. So that's how Kim felt… Well, this wasn't Kim's issue. Shego needed to do this her way.
The bear came right up to her and sniffed around her. Shego didn't move, except to keep staring into it's eyes. She didn't know what she was looking for. Recognition, perhaps. Understanding. Maybe she wanted the bear to understand why she was offering herself like this.
It reared up in front of her on it's hind legs, but didn't growl or roar. Instead, it appeared as if it just wanted a better look. The bear did look into Shego's eyes, but with no expression the woman could make out. Then it dropped back to all fours, turned around, and padded off in the direction from which it had come, snuffling as it went.
Shego breathed a sigh of sad relief. Glad to still be alive, but still un-absolved of her crime. Of course she was un-absolved. Had she really thought that this bear would know about that bear? That was stupid.
“That was stupid” Kim said, “Wanna tell me what it was all about?”
After another moment of regret, Shego turned to her and said only, “Yeah. It was.”
“So why -”
“Kim? Some other time, all right? Not now. I'll tell you about it… some other time. Please?”
Shego didn't say “please” very often – even now - so Kim didn't press it.
A week later they were entering Death Valley. The transition between verdant forest and stark, dead, desert happens quickly in California, and they were sad to leave the green behind. It would be the last they'd see of it for awhile.
“They put a water tank at the entrance to Death Valley? This isn't a good omen…”
“Scardey-cat.”
“Kim, this is serious. I'm not sure we should -”
“Look, in the middle of the map. 'Furnace Creek'. And little palm trees and stuff. There must be water there. C'mon, Doc, I've always wanted to see this…”
“You just like the name, is all. All that 'True Crime' you're reading is beginning to worry me.”
“My girlfriend's a criminal. I just wanna know how they think, is all” Kim joked.
“Uh-huh. Your 'girlfriend' also has a short temper, y'know.”
Kim prepared herself for The Pout, but Shego saw it coming and brushed her off, “Oh-kay, Kim - we're going, we're going! Doy… Don't do that!”
Jumping into her side of the truck, Kim leaned over and kissed Shego on the cheek, “I have the best girlfriend” she said.
Shego pretended to be busy shifting through the gears and driving, but she was thinking Girlfriend… Girlfriend… Girlfriend… She knew what Kim meant by the word.
Furnace Creek did indeed have water. Water everywhere, in fact – little ditches had been dug running beside neat lines of date-palms. They loaded up on dates.
Next week, it was giant trees. The first few were impressive. After being surrounded by them on all sides for a few hours as they drove, the novelty began to wear off. Luckily, none had fallen down and blocked the road. Shego could have cleared it with a plasma-blast, of course – and probably set the whole place on fire. That would have been a shame.
Winter was ending by the time they entered San Diego.
The found wonderful weather in San Diego, and ugly scenery. Without daily sprinklers to water everything, the city had returned to the desert from which it sprang. They could tell that it had once been a beautiful place – but they had to imagine the green, because it was all yellow and brown now. Everywhere.
They parked The Tube at the beach-side house of a Dr. Schifler, who apparently – reading between the lines of notes she'd found at the Professor's office in Berkeley – at least knew of a working prototype Transporter somewhere else. None of the Doctors or Professors seemed to ever say outright what it was they were up to, so Kim had to play detective as well as Physics Major. Hence her interest in cops and robbers – the crime-stories were teaching her how devious people thought.
“Kim! Come help me with this!” Shego yelled. She sounded excited. Kim marked her place in Monkey on a Stick and ran from her chair on the beach to see what was up.
“I hit it on the way to the reservoir. It just jumped right in front of me!” Shego was untying a mule-deer from the hood of the truck.
“Eww!”
“Yeah, I know. But I'm willing to deal with the 'eww' for a steak, Pumpkin. If you don't want any, you don't have to eat it.”
They pulled the animal off the hood and let it flop to the ground. They both stared at it.
“Doc, do you have any idea how to-”
“No, I don't. The only thing I've ever butchered was you. I don't suppose you…”
“Eww!”
“Jesus. Fine. I'll figure something out. How hard can it be?”
“I don't wanna watch.”
Shego frowned at her, “I'll remember that when I'm grilling the steaks.”
Kim thought of “steaks”, and then looked down at the dead animal again.
“Eww!”
“Look, just help me haul it… uh… to the basketball hoop over there. Then you can go and I'll take care of all the 'eww' stuff.”
Kim hauled, fetched rope, and brought Shego several knives from the kitchen. Then she left in a hurry before Shego had a chance to cut anything. She went back to her beach-chair on the other side of the house, so she couldn't see or hear anything.
An hour later, Shego came around the corner of the house, completely covered in blood – and… other stuff – from head to foot.
Kim looked at her wide-eyed and covered her mouth, in case she got sick.
“Don't you say a fucking word, Princess…” Shego scowled at her, “And bring me soap.” She made her way down to the ocean and began stripping off her clothes. Kim recovered her senses went into the house.
By the time Kim got back, Shego had rinsed most of the unidentifiable substances off herself, but the blood was going to require suds. Shego was standing in hip-deep water, and Kim, on the beach, tried to decide what to do. Throw her the soap? Wade in and hand it to her? She hadn't had a shower in two days either – fresh water was plentiful, but far away. She decided to bathe in the ocean as well, and began to strip down. Shego, feeling at least not quite so disgusting now, watched and waited.
This would be the first time she'd ever seen Kim naked. She realized, standing there staring, that she was looking forward to it. Kim knew she was being watched, and tried not to pay any attention, acting as business-like as she could, under the circumstances. Just get it over with fast, was the trick… She peeled off her panties and waded in as if she did this everyday, hoping the sun was bright enough to hide her blush. She also avoided looking at Shego by pretending that she had to watch where she was stepping.
Finally, when she got within arm's reach of the other woman, she looked up at her – consciously avoiding looking at Shego's breasts – and held out the soap.
But Shego wasn't interested in the soap, Kim saw. Instead, she had both hands covering her mouth and was obviously convulsing with giggles.
“What's so funny?”
“N – nothing, Kim…”
“C'mon, Doc. What? You've never seen a naked woman before?”
“Uh…” Shego just couldn't stop.
“WHAT?”
“I guess, Kimmie… you could say I've never… uh… seen a natural red-head before…”
Oh…Kim thought. How embarrassing. But something about the way Shego was looking into her eyes told her she needn't be embarrassed.
“Yeah, well, I don't see many green nipples around either. You don't see me cracking up about it…”
That didn't seem to make much difference to Shego. In fact, she may have been giggling even more. “Oh, here's your soap!” Kim huffed.
Shego finally put her hands down and reached for it, saying, “Sorry, Pumpkin… I… it just never occurred to me…”
“What-ever, Doc.”
“Yeah” Shego chuckled one last time, “Anyway, thanks for the soap. Red.”
Kim shot her a look, but Shego only grinned in return.
“Oh!”
“Mmmm…”
“Oh… Doc…”
“Mmm?”
“I never knew it could be like this… Oh, Shego… You're SO good at this…”
“Pass the salt, Red.”
Stuffed with more meat than she should have eaten, Shego took her place reclining at the end of the couch in the Tube. The trailer had become “home” now, and there didn't seem to be much use in finding generators to power the house up when they'd just as soon not “move in” anyway. By this time – nearly six years – most engines need a full tune-up before they'd start anyway, so getting a generator to work was at least two days worth of work and running around for parts.
“Movie night?” Kim asked, looking over the video-library.
“Not if it's gonna be another murder-mystery” Shego frowned.
“I am not obsessed, Doc! It's… it's just a phase. I never knew I liked 'em so much. Kind of like you…” Kim grinned to herself and plopped herself down – in Shego's lap, her back to the other woman's front. Kim pulled Shego's arms around herself like a shawl. She was wearing her pajamas as usual, but was more care-free in how far she buttoned it up, these days. Shego had a nice view down her top.
It wasn't the first time they'd assumed these positions, but it was the first time Kim had been so… “physical” about it. The simple fact was, Kim was horny. Maybe it was all that protein. She'd been thinking about sex with Shego pretty much constantly since she'd that night in San Francisco when she'd sort of dreaded that it might happen. She wondered why the “dread”, what was she afraid of? Over the course of the following months, her thoughts had gradually changed on the matter. It would be… good, she thought now. It would be fun, probably. And since seeing her naked that afternoon, she was thinking more and more about the “fun” part. Kim was ready for some “fun”. And Shego felt good behind her, her arms wrapped around Kim's belly.
If only she could tell Shego that she was ready. If only she knew if Shego was ready. That night in San Francisco when Kim had kissed her hand unintentionally, and Shego had kissed her back – on the mouth… if only that could happen now…
Kim unwrapped one of Shego's hands from around her and brought it up to her face.
“Show me again?” she asked.
Without saying anything, Shego lit the hand with heat-less plasma. She knew what was happening. Good idea, Pumpkin, she thought. Seeing Kim naked – while funny at first – had taken it's toll on her from then on. She couldn't get Kim's body out of her mind. Nor was she trying to.
Kim studied the plasma for awhile, just as before, and pressed her lips to the back of Shego's hand, just as before. Shego closed her eyes. This was so nice… Kim in her lap, her lips pressed against her hand, the view down her top…
She didn't notice Kim undoing two more buttons.
She did notice when Kim removed her lips from her hand and slipped it underneath her top and onto her left breast. Shego cupped it, lifting gently. She could feel Kim's nipple in her palm. She wondered what that felt like for Kim -
No, she knew that that felt like for Kim.
She abruptly removed her hand from Kim's pajamas, and from around her waist.
“Get off” she said brusquely.
“Huh?” Kim tried to recover – what had happened? Things were going so well…
“Get off, Kim!” Shego was trying to push on Kim's back with both hands.
“She -”
“OFF!” Shego nearly screamed. Now she pushed Kim forcibly forward and jumped up off the couch. She was breathing hard. Her face looked panicked, Kim saw.
Shego seemed to be looking around for something, almost as if she didn't know where she was. She looked down at Kim, still on the couch, “Kim… I… I gotta go. I gotta get outta here…” Five steps and she was out the door. It slammed shut behind her.
Kim sat in stupefaction. What the hell? Even if Shego weren't ready, there was obviously more going on than just that. And besides, the way she'd squeezed and cupped her breast… she sure seemed like she enjoyed touching Kim. So what the hell? What the fuck? And then she just leaves? Where did she think she was going to go, anyway?
Should she follow her? Maybe she should just leave Shego alone for awhile… Maybe this was a personal demon thing. Kim knew what that was like. She was still trying to come to grips with what it might be like to be a “lesbian” back in The World… but… what was Shego's problem?
If I care about her, I'll find out. On the other hand, she obviously doesn't want me around… On the other hand… she looked so… scared… I don't think she was thinking straight. On the other – no. I love her, and something's wrong. If she loves me, she'll talk to me. I'm going!
Shego hadn't gone far. Kim found her sitting on the beach, watching the last gray fade from the sky, knees up to her chest, rocking. Wordlessly, Kim sat next to her.
After a minute, Shego said, “Sorry.”
“ 'S okay” Kim replied, and said nothing more. She was going to let Shego do this on her own terms.
Another minute later, “I suppose you wanna hear the whole story…”
Kim thought carefully about her answer, “I just want to be close to you.”
Shego sighed heavily. This sucked. The whole night ruined. At least the whole night. God-damn you, Dad…
“I was eight. Mom had taken Henry – 'Hego', I mean – to some kind of play he was supposed to do a report on, so it was just me an' Dad at home. It was early evening – like it is now. He… He…” Shego didn't finish.
Oh, god…Kim thought, not her Dad… Oh Doc, I'm so sorry… I can't imagine – I don't even want to imagine…
“You don't have to tell me, Doc. It's okay.”
“Yes I do, Pumpkin. It's not like you're probably thinking. It's… it's just so stupid!”
More minutes passed in silence.
“All he did was touch me on the tit. I didn't even have tits! And just for a little while. He was fondling me – I figured it out later. Years later. He only did it that once, and only for a little while. I didn't even know what was going on, like I said. I didn't think anything about it. But… it all went to shit after that.”
Kim breathed a silent sigh of relief. She'd been afraid it was going to be the kind of story one read about in the papers. All he did was touch her tits? And just once? Yeah, that was… dirty of him, but… there had to be more to it than that. Kim wasn't going to press for it, but it seemed like Shego needed some prodding, at this point.
“How did it 'go to shit', Doc?”
“I loved my Dad, Kim. I loved him! I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced cheese! He taught me how to read, he taught me how to ride a bike… we used to go fishing at this little farm-pond in the summer… just us… sometimes with Mom and Henry, but sometimes just us. We were great together. But after that – it just stopped. He wouldn't talk to me – unless he had to. He wouldn't look at me – unless he had to. He never wanted to do anything – with me. After that, it was all Henry, all the time. Like I never existed.”
Kim waited for more.
“And I couldn't figure out why, Kim! I thought I'd done something! He hated me, and I didn't know what I'd done! I didn't even connect it with – that evening – until years later! I thought it was me! And… and even after I did figure it out… then it was even worse. I mean, what was he expecting me to do? Get turned on? Want him to do it again? What the hell did he WANT from me?”
Kim put her arm around Shego's back, but she didn't seem to notice.
“And it gets worse, Kim. Y'know how once you start getting tits you start to notice people… checking you out? Maybe start to throw 'em around a little bit?”
“Uhm…”
“Yeah, well, I did. So, I figured, that was what my Dad wanted, right? So I started sorta… flashing him. A little. Not exactly 'flashing' but… anyway, I guess I finally go a too obvious, and he blew up at me. I was maybe eleven… I don't know. I got the message – he wanted nothing to do with me. At all. Ever. I've hated him ever since. I still don't know what the bastard expected from me…”
“Maybe he just wanted to forget it ever happened” Kim said before she could remember to mind her own business.
Shego stopped rocking and looked at her, “What?”
“I'm sorry… I shouldn't have -”
“What did you SAY,Kim…”
No going back now. Too late to keep her mouth shut after having already opened it. “I said that he might have just wanted to forget it had ever happened. It sounds like he was a good Dad until… then. Maybe he was just too guilty and ashamed about it to look you in the eye anymore.”
Shego was staring at her with an expression Kim couldn't make out, so she pretended to gaze out into the ocean.
“I shouldn't have opened my big fat mouth, Doc. I'm sorry.”
Shego kept staring for a moment, then joined her looking at the white line of breakers in the distance.
After a few minutes of this, she said, “Well… he could've said something. I would've… I mean, if I'd known…” The idea that her Dad might have touched her like that in a moment of weakness – that her Dad might have even had a “weakness” - was new to her. Shego had made her mind up about her father when he'd blown up at her, in fifth grade, and had never reconsidered the situation since. Now, with adult awareness, and with adult weaknesses of her own, she understood. God-damn it, Dad, she thought again, but sadly this time, Why didn't you SAY something? We could've talked about it! We could've… God-damn it…
“Kim? Could you leave me alone for a minute? I'll be back in awhile.”
“Uh… sure, Shego” Kim said, getting up, “Sorry about -”
“Thanks. For everything, Kim. I mean it.”
Kim left, and Shego re-thought her entire life. That was what she'd held against her brothers, all this time – Dad's attention. That was why she'd eventually quit Team Go. That was why she'd become a self-indulgent villain. One way or another, what had happened between her and her Dad had set the whole course of her life. Except for this part. The Kim Possible part. He had nothing to do with that. Once again, Kim had proved herself to be the best thing that had ever happened to her.
Kim was lying in bed on her side, as usual, when Shego crawled in with her. But she wasn't asleep, “Okay, Shego?”
“I will be, Pumpkin. Thanks to you.” Shego rolled over and began to put her arm around the redhead's belly, as usual, when she stopped mid-reach.
“Kim? I… uhm… Could I be… I mean…” she sighed, there had to be a better way to say this, without sounding -
“Know what Doc? Why don't you roll over tonight…” Kim said, turning over to face her. Shego tilted her head forward so that their foreheads touched. “I have the best girlfriend.” She kissed Kim on the lips and rolled over.
Now Kim snuggled against Shego's back, her nose in the nape of Shego's neck. A first for her; she discovered that she liked it more than she'd thought she would - being the spooner instead of being the spooned. She smiled to herself. So much to discover! She wondered if she should say “I love you, Shego”. That would feel right…
But really, there was no need. It wouldn't feel any more “right” than it already did, anyway.
“Doc? When are you going to tell me about the bear thing?”
Shego actually chuckled. That story would so anti-climatic now. “In the morning, Red. I'll tell you all about it in the morning, okay?” Shego smiled to herself. It wouldn't even be hard, now.
That far south, winter wasn't really a problem for them, so as soon as Kim had found what she was looking for – a hint about where to go next – they were off, crossing the deserts of Arizona, into the hills of New Mexico, and finally the Texas panhandle. If their rate of progress held, they expected to make Chicago by summer.
I-40 through Texas was the definition of boredom. Plains, plains, plains. At least they were green plains – it was late Spring now. And the wind! Some days it roared past them on it's way north hard enough to blow the Humvee from one lane into the other – if Shego had been paying attention to the lane markings. They'd seen some incredible thunderstorms in New Mexico, nature's fury unleashed. Shego was hoping to see a tornado on their way up the mid-west, and Kim chided her for it – that would be the last thing they'd need to see.
Up ahead, there seemed to be a dark fog, or cloud, or something…
“Probably another wild-fire” Kim said, wondering if, by definition, all fires weren't “wild-fires” now. They'd seen enough of them in California, more in New Mexico. Apparently they were part of a natural cycle, re-asserting itself. Forces of Nature were impressive in their scale.
The one coming up would scare them to death.
Splat! Something big and juicy exploded against the windshield.
“Damn! Big sucker…” Shego commented.
“Probably trying to get away from the fire up ahead” Kim guessed, looking up from her book. Shego narrowed her eyes. There was something odd about that “cloud”.
“That looks weird for a -” Splat! Splat-Splat!
“Christ! Let's roll up the windows Red.” They could see guts and wings and legs sliding up the windshield. Whatever they were, they were big insects.
Within a minute, Shego had to stop. She couldn't see anymore. Locusts.
“I've never seen so many grass-hoppers!” Kim exclaimed, still more excited than anything at this point. Shego only sat in silence. She had a bad feeling about the “funny cloud” ahead. It was moving their way, for one. Fast.
A minute later, “Oh, fuck, Kim…”
Kim was too awestruck to answer. Locusts were blotting out the sun. She scooted over on the seat to be next to Shego.
There wasn't much to say, not that either of them could think. Billions of locusts were alight, high and low, covering the ground, filling the air. It got dark. Now they couldn't see, but still heard the sounds. The buzzing was all-pervasive, and when they'd light on the truck, they could hear the clicking and scraping of legs on the sheet-steel. If they'd been caught outside, unprotected… Would the bugs eat meat? Surely not. Still, even if they just took one bite each, enough to find out that human flesh wasn't tasty…
Kim buried her head in Shego's arm, and Shego twisted in her seat to let her. Eventually, Shego buried her head too – in Kim's hair - just so she wouldn't have to look into the darkness and wonder what was happening. They held each other like that for a long time, and still the locusts came on.
They were safe in the Humvee. They knew that. Their rational minds told them that. The air was filtered, they had power, light. If they'd needed it, they could have had heat or air-conditioning, too. They knew the really had nothing to worry about. It was just that… the bugs were blotting out the sun! It was just that the awful sound was inescapable! It was just that… they were absolutely and completely helpless to something of this… magnitude! An individual bug was nothing, but - out-numbered several billion to one – they were nothing to the swarm of insects. Kim and Shego, their Humvee, their trailer, were as insignificant as an ant to a bull-dozer. Somehow, they could feel that, and it made them afraid.
Shego began kissing the top of Kim's head, as much for her own comfort as for Kim's. Kim's hands and arms roamed on Shego's body, as if to make sure she was really still there. They were just comforting and re-assuring each other.
At least, that's how it started.
Kim's hair smelled good, and she was warm, and she was firm, and she was… so much nicer to deal with than what was going on outside. Kim felt the same way – Shego felt good, she felt good with Shego, and she'd rather think about that than… the other thing. Kim shifted herself higher in the seat, raising her head to Shego's neck-level, burying her face there, rubbing her nose and lips along her neck and collar-bone. Losing herself in the other woman's fragrance, warmth, texture… better to be lost there, than to know where she really was. Shego lost herself in Kim's attentions, and let her hands roam – soon they were under Kim's denim jacket, and not long after, under the t-shirt under the jacket.
Shego lifted Kim's head in order to bring their mouths together. There was no hesitation on Kim's part.
This had been building for almost two months now. They were both ready, they had both come to terms with their desire for each other, admitted it, embraced it, even revealed in it – but they were still waiting, waiting for the right time, waiting for some signal from the other. Each afraid to go first. Did Kim still fear being branded with a label? Had Shego gotten over the incident with her father? Neither knew, and neither could ask. So they had been waiting.
Now they didn't need to ask. Given the raw power of nature that engulfed them and their little truck, and their insignificance in the face of it, such things were too silly, too inconsequential to even consider. In the darkness inside the Humvee, they tore off each other's clothes and began to satisfy themselves - and each other in the process. It was frantic, it was hurried, there was no speaking. They both had the feeling that time was running out, somehow, that it was important to do this, to do as much as possible before… before… while they could. The sun was gone. It seemed perfectly reasonable to think it would never come back. So they needed each other now! and they took each other now!
They hurt each other, too. Grabbing each other too hard, squeezing harder, gripping and pounding and scratching without meaning too, just too absorbed in either what was being done to them, or what they were doing to the other, to take notice. It was not sweet and tender. It was feral. Shego scratched, Kim bit. Somehow the pain became confused with the passion, and Shego scratched harder, Kim bit deeper. Before it was over, they would both have bleeding teeth-marks in their flesh, and their backs would be covered raw, red lines and blood.
Maybe it was the pent-up frustration. Maybe it was the anxiety of the situation. Maybe it was the feeling that it was now-or-maybe-never.
Or maybe Forces of Nature just come in pairs.
Author's Note:
Okay, I can't really remember who's ideas came from where – I sort of outline what I'm doing on-line, and people chime in with ideas – some of which I use. The idea for Kim sitting in Shego's lap to set off her Daddy-anxiety was – I think – Hobnobrev's. You really oughta read his stuff. (Shameless plug.) I'm afraid that's only the most recent idea of someone else's that I'm using – I'm sure there were others – but I can't think of them right now. So to everyone who either GIVES me ideas, or whom I bounce my own off of (rdfox – for instance, approved of my Daddy-anxiety, despite his misgivings when I first mentioned them) – Thanks.
Also my beta-readers: Almaseti and dizzeedeb. :) They're trying to make me do better. Dammit.