Besides, it's not like they actually felt… attraction to each other. Appreciation of aesthetic beauty was one thing, right? But sexual attraction was a whole different ball of wax. Right?
Right?
By the next Summer – their fifth year alone, Kim understood that Physics and Math were not taking her where she needed to go. She was going to have to find information dealing specifically with multiple-universe probability theory, preferably from people who had more than just “theory” about it. And she knew, by now, that if anyone did have such information, they wouldn't have published it anyway. So she was going to have to search for it. Without the Internet, that meant “search” in the old-fashioned sense, by going places and opening drawers.
First stop: the University of California, at Berkeley.
“Okay, I think I've finally got the hang of this 'welding' thing. The 'supa-bumpa' is on. Our poor Hummer is starting to look like something out of Mad Max…” Shego said grinning as she came through the kitchen door. She was feeling good, she'd learned how to use her plasma for something constructive, for a change. Maybe it was a turning-point.
“I still say we should just take an RV” Kim suggested, “We'd have everything right at -”
“And you can go find parts for it when it breaks down. I told you – I've spent a lot of time and energy learning how to keep this Hummer going. I know the parts, I know how it works. And we're probably going to come up on unforeseen things out there… I want a military vehicle. You can have your little home in the Tube.” The “Tube” was Shego's name for the forty-foot long aluminum-shelled Gulfstream trailer they were taking along. Shego didn't really think it would last long – she'd already encountered enough road-blocks of overturned trucks, fallen trees, and destroyed bridges to know the going wasn't going to be like a 'vacation'.
“Yeah, you're probably right. So, we can leave tomorrow?” Kim was excited about the trip – adventure had been sorely missing from her life in the New World.
“I gotta load up some more stores and medical stuff, but yeah, we can take off tomorrow morning. I just wish we had some way of knowing what we're heading into… Berkeley may be burned up the same way Denver was – and it'll all be for nothing.”
“Yeah, I know, Doc. On the other hand, aren't you glad to be leaving here? We've been cooped up here so long…”
Yes, she should be glad to leave. Shego knew that. The conversion from Jet-Set Super-Thief to Farm Handy-Woman had been abrupt and hated, at first… but gradually, it had grown on her. She'd learned to take the time to notice things like stars and sunsets, the change of seasons. Other things. Things that were really important. Things that were sublime.
“I'll kinna miss the old place, Pumpkin. I'll admit it. I'll miss fresh eggs, for sure.” she said, referring to her chickens.
“You're getting mellow in your old age, Doc.”
Shego narrowed her eyes to show that she didn't appreciate the 'age' remark, “Well, someone has to be the 'mature one' around here. Keep the fuel tanks filled. Drive a manual transmission…”
“Hey!” Kim exclaimed – Shego had hit a sore spot, “I've asked you to teach me how many times now? And all you say is 'Not now, Kimmie', or 'I don't have a new clutch right now, Kimmie', or -”
Smiling at her outburst, Shego said, “Alright, Kimmie. Point taken. If I find another Hummer that runs, I'll teach you how to drive it. 'Kay? But right now, you'd better pack up anything you've forgotten.”
“I haven't forgotten anything.”
“Toothbrush?”
“Got it.”
“Flashlights?”
“Check.”
“Spare laptop?”
“Check.”
“Kotex?”
“Ch – dammit…”
As they packed their final remaining items, the reality of their situation hit home - and their mood became somber. They'd been there for five years now. Leaving was suddenly depressing to both of them, but for entirely different reasons.
For Kim, it centered around Ron and the future she'd always dreamed they'd have. She'd always assumed it was more than a dream – that it was a given. Well, by now, Ron would have graduated from either college or cooking-school. He'd have made new friends… including, probably, girlfriends. He would have left Kim behind, gotten over her, carried on. Not that Kim wouldn't want him to… but it was just hard realizing that he had. Probably. No… not “probably”. He had. She'd might as well try to accept it. Ron was out of the picture.
In her bedroom, as she scanned for last-minute things to take, her eyes stopped at Ron's framed high school picture on her night table. The freckled sixteen-year-old boy she would probably – strike that – she would definitely never have a chance to settle down with and raise a family. That was over. That dream was gone.
She stared at the picture a long moment, sitting on the bed. His crooked smile, his totally guileless expression. The freckles he was always so self-conscious about. They were probably gone now, too. His ears that stuck out too far were probably laying down more by this time. He'd have changed… just as she had. Did he ever think about her? If so, how often? And… just what, exactly, did he think? Kim wished she'd asked him a thousand questions, when she'd had the chance.
Too late now. She lifted the frame and held it on her lap.
“Goodbye, Ron” was all she said. She stared at it a moment longer.
Then she put the picture into the nightstand drawer.
Shego, on the other hand, felt alive, useful, full of purpose. For the last five years, she'd been busy! Thinking about it, she realized that she couldn't remember the last time she'd filed her nails – an occupation that had occupied most of her idle hours. Now, she didn't have 'idle hours' to waste. Kim depended on her. To feed her, to keep the Humvee going, to supply her with books, to take her places. Shego was the driving force that made their lives here possible. She had purpose. She had responsibility. She had… a job to do. A job for which the payment wasn't money – the payment was Wow, Doc, you did THAT? That's great!
What brought her down was thinking about her life back in The World – and how many years she'd wasted. If only she'd known! She'd spent so much of her life bored to tears, unable to think of anything to do, and now… now there weren't enough hours in the fucking day for all the things she wanted to do! How could she have been so… stupid? How could she have wasted all those… years… here in Middleton, working for Dr. Drakken? What did it get her? Money? Yeah, okay – and what did that get her? Did the Learjet make her happy? Did she miss it? What exactly did she miss? Anything?
She thought of Senor Senior, Senior again, wishing she'd found a way to spend more time with him. Yeah, he was old, but so what? If only she'd gone to work for him instead of that loser Drakken… But that might have meant work, huh? Less time for her to… file her nails. STUPID! Maybe she could have even whipped Junior into shape… who knew? He had the genes… he was just a spoiled brat, is all.
Yeah. Just like her.
How depressing.
By one a.m., they'd packed all they were going to pack, but neither of them could sleep, each dwelling on their own particular loss. Kim had accepted that Ron was out of her life, and Shego that she'd had no 'life' in the first place. She'd had a life-style.
Loneliness overwhelmed them both.
The bright spot in Shego's life now was her former arch-enemy. And Shego knew it. What difference did it make why? She could rationalize the reasons to herself all day – been there, done that. But the fact remained – it was Kim that made her feel good. About herself, about everything. Kim Possible - in the bedroom across the hall.
She got up thinking she wanted a drink – scotch, maybe – but stopped in the hall, staring at the closed door to Kim's room. She stared and stared, and eventually slid down the wall and sat on the floor, knees to her chest, still staring.
Kim stared at the ceiling without seeing it. Ron was gone and in his place… She couldn't quite finish the thought, but she knew how. She knew what it was she couldn't say: Shego.
She kept thinking about Shego and not-thinking about why she was thinking about her. Because there were too many… problems with the concept. If only… if only she could talk to her about… it. About them. Maybe work something out. Some way they could be – close – without getting all… icky about it. Without committing to anything.
If only I could just sleep with her… and I MEAN JUST SLEEP! Gah! Why is it I have to point out these things TO MYSELF! Don't I know what I mean!
She got up to find some apple juice, there wasn't going to be any sleeping – with anyone – tonight.
And when she opened the door, there was Shego, sitting on the floor across the hall, staring up at her. Kim froze, but didn't speak.
Neither did Shego.
For two minutes – long enough for them to both know what they weren't saying.
It was Kim who put voice to the thought; “You wanna come in?” she said softly, almost hoarsely.
Shego nodded and rose to her feet, wordlessly following Kim to the bed. Wordlessly getting under the covers.
Not speaking, not thinking, just doing, Shego rolled onto her side, facing Kim who was again looking at the ceiling – but seeing it this time, put her arm across Kim's belly, and pulled them together. Kim rolled onto her side, facing away, and shuffled herself back against the other girl.
And that's how they awoke the next morning.
“I thought you were all packed?” Kim asked, seeing Shego carrying box after box into the trailer.
“Decided to take more spare parts for the Humvee. It's a long way between Army bases, in some places. It's hard to know what we might need…”
“I thought it was already pretty stuffed in there.”
This was the telling part, but Shego tried to sound matter-of-fact about it - “I'm putting them in the bunk-beds.” In other words, she was filling up the part of the trailer that she was supposed to use as her bed. They'd flipped for it, and Kim had won the queen-size bed for herself. Now, apparently, the situation was to change.
Kim caught on immediately. “Good idea” she said, and they let it go at that.
Going was slow, even on the interstate. They couldn't make more than a dozen miles sometimes without having to maneuver around an accident of some kind, and often they'd have to either use the “super-bumper” to push cars out of the way, or the winch to pull them apart. It took two days just to get to Interstate 80 in Wyoming. This was going to be a long trip.
“Next time we go to a different universe, let's do it after rush-hour is over” Shego quipped.
They spent that night next to a Wal-Mart. It had both diesel and propane. And… Shego had forgotten her toothbrush.
Now it was time to cross the Rocky Mountains, and if they'd thought the going was slow before, they were lucky to make twenty miles a day now. The problem was the guard-rails on both sides of the road. The suddenly driver-less cars and trucks never got the chance to run off the road, but merely bounced back and forth on it. Some of the jams took an entire day to clear a path through. Kim became adept at operating the winch while Shego hooked mangled vehicles up to the cable. They both foraged from RV's and trucks along the way.
The plan had been for Kim to ride in the trailer most of the time, in order to continue her studies, while Shego drove. But because of the frequent stops, Kim decided she'd just as soon ride up front. Besides, I-80 through the Rockies was pretty scenic. Good thing it was summer, though. She'd hate to have to do this in snow.
The days dragged on, filled with routine. And while they still slept together, their usual friendly banter had almost disappeared. If anyone had been there to watch them, they'd have assumed Kim and Shego were merely working partners in some sort of post-apocalyptic wrecking service.
During quiet times together – which they tried to avoid – they were both tense and uncomfortable. Because they both had something to hide, that they'd rather not think about. Same syndrome, and some of the same reasons behind it. Shego had said outright that she was straight, Kim remembered. And Shego knew that Kim had wanted to marry Ron and have children. As a result, despite their growing attraction to each other, and the shared comfort of sleeping together, they were both sure the other wasn't interested in taking the relationship any further.
And so they went about their work. Month after month, down the Rockies, through the Great Salt Lake, into the Basin and Range province of the Nevada desert. Kim studied Chaos Theory, Shego studied Medicine. It was late summer before they began crossing the Sierra Nevada at Reno. It was well into October before they saw San Francisco.
The first day at Berkeley, Shego accompanied Kim as she looked for Professor Lyn's office, just in case they ran into something. Both of them were habitually armed now, the weirdness of putting on a gun belt to go outside had worn off and become just another part of life in their world.
Once they found what Kim was looking for, Shego went back to get the Humvee and park the trailer in a more reasonable location, and then went foraging. Thanks to the mild California weather, she found more than she had even hoped for, and her mood began to pick up. Getting away from Kim helped, too. The tension between them was just getting… tiresome. She wished she could break it somehow… or something… really, she didn't know what she wished would happen between them.
She still considered herself “straight”, no question about that. But… it would be okay… being closer… to Kim. Only to Kim, though. She wasn't gay, after all, and glances at bikini-clad models on the billboards confirmed that. No interest there at all. Good. Not gay. But Kim was a different story. Of course she felt that way because Kim was the only person available – doy! That didn't change anything, though. She'd still like to kiss her. And maybe… y'know… some petting. Nothing dirty. Well… maybe a little dirty… after all, everyone had their own idea of what was “dirty”, didn't they?
Certainly Shego wasn't interested in anything they wouldn't be able to call off once they got back to The World. Not that she wanted to just leave Kim behind or anything. God dammit… What did she want, anyway? Well, Kim wouldn't be interested in anything like that… might as well try to forget about it…
For Kim's part, she was cursing herself because she knew exactly what she wanted from Shego – dirt and all – and it was just not going to happen! Kim had too much to lose… For one thing, it would mean no chance for children, that much was obvious. Not with another woman. Sure, there were ways she could get pregnant, but… that just wouldn't be the same.
Then there was the Press. Wouldn't that look great: “Kim Possible In Lesbian Tryst with Former Arch-Enemy”. Gah. Imagine having to look her father and mother in the eye at dinner. Or Ron. And Bonnie – who might be older but would still be Bonnie, after all – she'd just have a field-day with it. Hell, everyone would. People would point at her everywhere she went - “There goes that lesbian hero who spent all those years alone with that evil villain woman… How do you suppose they spent their days? Hehehe.”
Good thing Shego wasn't gay. Kim was realizing that she sure as hell might be. Or “bi”, anyway, but hell, that was a nuance, and people in general didn't really care about the label “bisexual”. If you were sleeping with another woman, you were a “lesbian”, regardless. Stupid people. Stupid Press.
Stupid Shego. Doc would have to be straight. It was all so damn… hopeless… And sad. Best not to think about it.
Then one night:
“Damn!” Kim said through her teeth. She needed to pee, but in reaching for the flashlight she knocked it onto the floor, and heard it roll away. It was pitch-black in the trailer, and she didn't want to turn on a light and disturb Shego next to her.
But Shego wasn't asleep either. “Flashlight?” she asked, referring to the noise.
“Yeah. Could you light up for just a sec?” Using Shego as a night-light was old-hat by now.
“No sweat. Take your time.” Shego held a hand up and lit the room with green light.
“Dammit, I think it went under the fridge…”
“Just do what you gotta do, Pumpkin. I can stay lit up as long as you need. It's no big deal.”
“Okay. I'll just be a minute.”
Later, as Kim slipped back under the covers again, Shego lowered her still-flaming hands onto the bed.
“Shego!” Kim cried, “Be careful with your hand! You could set the bed on fire, y'know!”
“Geez, relax, Kimmie!” Shego chuckled, “I can control the temperature… I guess you didn't know that.” She held the plasma-encased hand out towards Kim's face, “See? No heat at all. Just light. Calm down…”
Kim studied the glowing hand in front of her face. In all this time, she'd never really seen Shego's power up-close before. She nervously put a finger close to – and then into – the liquid-smoke of Shego's plasma. No heat. Nothing but a sort of light pressure, almost like a breeze. Or the lick of a cool flame. She put her whole hand next to Shego's, and then against it, palm to palm, watching the plasma play. Neat!
Beautiful, too. Kim's face was only inches from the plasma, and she got even closer. It was like seeing a flame from the inside, and in slow-motion. The brightness and green-ness of it faded and intensified randomly, but with a regularity and pattern that were just… hypnotic.
Kim laced her fingers with Shego's and turned her hand to bring the back of Shego's glowing hand against her cheek.
Then to the front of her face…
“I never noticed how beautiful it is…” Kim said softly.
“Yeah, it kinna is, isn't it? Way back when, I used to watch it for hours. That was before I learned how to change the temperature… damn near caught my own hair on fire a few times.”
Kim smiled at that image. It was the first smile they'd shared in… a long time. Without thinking about it, or realizing what she was doing, Kim slowly closed her eyes and pressed her lips to the back of Shego's hand.
And stayed there. All of ten seconds, lost in sensation. Warm. Smooth. Soft.
Shego…
Shego!
Kim's eyes opened abruptly in panic, but she immediately realized: it was too late. What was done was done. She removed her lips from Shego's hand slowly, and let go. There was nothing to do now but apologize.
“S – sorry…” she stammered.
Kim saw that Shego was looking at her, but couldn't make out the expression on the other girl's face. It didn't look like disgust. Or anger. Or -
Her thoughts were cut off as Shego rolled forward and kissed her. Her still cool-flaming hand came back down on Kim's surprised cheek. Shego didn't move for a long time, while Kim's upper lip lay between hers. Then she moved down and took Kim's lower lip instead. Shego's eyes were closed, Kim saw. Eventually, she closed her own, and let herself be kissed.
No open-mouth. No tongue. No breathless desperation, no roaming hands. Lip to lip, hand to cheek. That was all.
Shego to Kim.
Not sure how Kim would take being kissed – she hadn't exactly responded enthusiastically - Shego rolled back and waited for whatever would come. But nothing did. Kim only opened her eyes and looked into hers for a fraction of a second, and then looked down, obviously ashamed, Shego thought.
Okay. That's how it is? Okay… Lesson learned. “G'nite, Kim.” Shego put out her plasma and rolled over, facing the other way.
Say something! Kim thought to herself, Say something! Anything! Why can't I just SAY SOMETHING!
“'Nite…” You IDIOT! SAY SOMETHING! GODDAMMIT! “… Doc.”
Inside, Kim was screaming.
Neither of them slept much that night.
And neither mentioned it the next day. Or the next. Both of them just kept thinking how complicated it all was. Both of them wished the situation was different. Neither of them knew quite how they wanted it to be different…
The third evening afterward, rain poured down in fat drops pounding on top of the metal-shelled trailer, muffled by the insulation into a dull, pervasive roar inside. They had agreed to call off the run, and the sparring. Besides, it was Saturday, and time for Kim to unbraid Shego's hair so she could wash it.
After her shower, Shego put on one of the over-sized teeshirts she wore to bed, and toweled her hair while Kim showered. Then they took their accustomed places on what served as the “couch”, so that Kim could re-braid Shego's hair again. Normally, Shego would be reading one of her medical books – something about enzymes maybe – but this time, for some reason, she just sat there while Kim worked on her hair. She'd forgotten about the book. She was fairly dying to talk to Kim. Things just couldn't go on this way. The air had to be cleared. One way or another. And Kim was going to be finished in about two minutes…
“Ki-” “She-” They had both spoken at the same time.
“Go ahead” Shego offered, glad to be let off the hook. She didn't know whether Kim wanted to talk about the same thing she did, but any excuse to delay the inevitable was acceptable.
“No, you first” Kim replied.
“I insist, Pumpkin. What was it?”
“No, really, you -”
“Kim!”
Shego could be stubborn at times. Kim knew she was going to have to go first. She'd have given anything not to. After a pause to gather her courage, she said, “I think we should talk about the other night, Doc…”
“Yeah, me too.” Shego had got the break she'd prayed for, the ball was in Kim's court.
“Okay… good. So… uh… go ahead…”
“You go ahead.” Shego winced at her own childishness, and was glad that Kim couldn't see her face.
“No, you.” As did Kim.
Deeply sighing, Shego rolled her eyes and shook her head, “Doy! We are SO pathetic!” She meant it seriously. They were pathetic! But Kim had to cover her mouth to try – unsuccessfully – to stifle her giggles.
“What's so funny?” Shego didn't know whether to smile or be pissed-off.
“We are! We're totally pathetic!”
The smile won out. That made it much easier for Shego to say: “Look, when I kissed you, it -”
“I liked it” Kim interrupted, speaking rapidly in order to get the words out before she could change her mind.
That surprised Shego. She'd been all set to make excuses. “You… you did?”
Kim didn't answer – it was unfair for Shego to make her say it again. After a second's thought, Shego realized it.
“'Cuz… I thought you were -”
“I was just scared, is all.” Kim cut her off again - and surprised her, again.
Shego finally turned to face her. Kim met her eyes steadily – she wasn't going to back down this time. It was a promise she'd made to herself. Whatever happened, she was going to tell Shego how she felt. If she could figure out how that was. Eventually.
Scared? Shego thought. Of her? No, that was stupid. Shego knew perfectly well what Kim would be “scared” of – the same things she was. Probably. “Yeah. Me too.”
“You too?” Now it was Kim's turn to be surprised. Here she'd thought Shego had known exactly what she was doing…
“Yeah. It's so…” she sighed, “… complicated…”
Kim would certainly agree with that. But that didn't make it any easier to think of what to say next. Something… safe… “If we get back, are you going to go back to work for Drakken?” What she meant, of course, was Do you want to be together even if we don't have to be? Shego wasn't stupid.
“No. No, I… wait. 'If'?” A diversion, something to give Shego time to think.
“I've told you it's not a sure thing, Doc…”
“Yeah… I just never heard you say 'if' before. Kind of threw me off.” Shego collected her thoughts as best she could, “I dunno what I'm gonna do, Kim. I don't plan things out like you do. I just sorta… wing it, y'know?” Good, she'd been able to answer the question without answering the question. She was safe. It didn't feel so good to feel 'safe', though. “What about you? You gonna look up Ron?”
It was so easy to change the subject, and as thankful as Shego was for the opportunity, she hated not getting to the point, too. I'm blowing this… she thought, I'm so blowing this…
Kim sighed and looked out the window into the wet night, “I said goodbye to Ron when we left Middleton, Doc. He's moved on by now. I figured I should, too…”
“Oh. Uhm… sorry. I mean…”
“Thanks, Doc.” Kim knew that Shego didn't think much of Ron. She was totally wrong, of course, but it was nice of her to say she was sorry, anyway.
“Uh… de nada. Anyway, there's lots of time to think about what we…” Shego paused. She'd said 'we' without even thinking about it. Would Kim catch it? “… are going to when and if we get back. We might be here a long time yet, right? No use worrying about it.”
“We might be here forever, Doc” Kim said, trying not to make it sound too depressing. Nonetheless, it was the first she'd ever said it aloud, and that made a difference. “So… you said you weren't gay…”
So it was to be Kim who got to the point. And rather too abruptly for Shego's comfort, too.
“I know what I said.” Noncommittal.
Kim waited for elaboration. Was Shego bisexual? Was she straight? If so, why had she kissed her? She needed to know what was going on, for her own sanity.
After a long pause, all Shego said was, “God-dammit, Kim.”
“What…”
“Look, it's just the two of us. Do we really have to wear labels? Can't we just… be whatever we are… and see… y'know, what happens?” She had managed to turn the question into a discussion of the words Kim had used. Safe again. Shego was beginning to hate being 'safe'. Why WHY WHY did they have to play this game!
That sounded like I'm not as straight as I used to be to Kim, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. There were things she wanted – and there were things she didn't want, too.
“I don't want to be a lesbian” Kim said, and it sounded even dumber than she had thought it would. While only half-true, it was a half-truth she could at least accept right now.
All Shego could say in reply was, “Oh-really…” She couldn't help grinning. Under the circumstances, what Kim had said just struck her as really, reallyfunny.
“You're making fun of me.” Kim stated the obvious.
“Well, doy… I mean… what the hell does that mean, anyway?”
Kim sighed, “I don't know exactly what it means, Doc. I only know that I had to say it. I… I need to think…”
“I'll say.”
“Stop it.”
“I'm sorry,” Shego said, suddenly earnest. “I think I know what you mean. I just never thought of it… quite like that.” Shego paused, waiting for Kim to reply, but the other girl just couldn't get her mind back on track. And oh god, Kim was blushing again, too! That did it…
“So Kimmie… just one question – can I kiss you again? Sometime, I mean?”
Sometime? Kim was relieved that Shego had added that part. She didn't think she could take it right now. It would be too… awkweird. But “sometime”? She could live with that, while she thought things out.
“Yeah. And… I can kiss you too, right? Sometime?”
“If you must” to her own surprise, Shego began to giggle, “But we're not gay…”
“So not gay!” Kim couldn't help joining in the giggling.
And they both thought, but didn't say, But we're still “pathetic”…
The second kiss – if a peck on the cheek counts – happened two nights later, after they'd said goodnight. The important thing was that Kim did the kissing this time. It opened the door. It would be Shego's turn next.
Third kiss -
Shego used her turn the next day, as they stopped in the middle of the Golden Gate bridge to admire the scenery. The fog was rolling in from the sea, just beginning to slide under the bridge and into the bay. As always, the fog brought with it a muffled stillness – the cries of seagulls just seemed to die in the blanket of moisture. They could hear each other panting from the run, and that was all. Standing side-by-side, Kim had reached over to hold Shego's hand. Their breathing slowed. In the sublime beauty of the evening, the sun just having set, the sky wild with red and blue, the only two people on the planet held hands and watched the fog. The color of the clouds reminded Shego of Kim's hair. Shego looked at Kim's hair. Kim, sensing the movement, looked back at Shego – and Shego kissed her.
Simple.
It only lasted a few seconds.
They ran back to the Tube, had dinner, read, and went to bed feeling happy and content. They shared another light kiss – their fourth. They went to sleep.
The next day, the same place – the fifth kiss – it lasted a minute. Open-mouth. Shego's arms around Kim's back, Kim's around Shego's waist. Then they backed off and looked at each other.
Then, by unspoken mutual consent, they kissed again for… long enough. Their tongues met, and Shego put one hand under Kim's sweater, and cupped Kim's breast through her bra.
Which was too much, too far, and too fast – for both of them. Shego hadn't really intended to do that. She thought she just wanted to touch Kim's skin, maybe press gently on her belly. And she did do that… it's just that she didn't stop there, lost in the kiss as she was. Kim's eyes opened and she pushed Shego abruptly away.
“Stop…”
“Sorry, Kim. I, uh, didn't really realize…”
“I have to know something, Shego. I have to know – are we… will…” Kim sighed, her courage draining away. No, courage or not, this she had to know, “Are we going to keep… seeing each other… when – and if – we go back to The World?” There. It was out. She'd asked the question. What a relief! What Kim hadn't thought about was – what if Shego actually answered?
Because Shego knew the answer, “There are… complications, Kim. I'm a criminal. I'm wanted in eleven countries. I wish… I wish things were different, but…” she sighed and turned away from the other girl's probing eyes, “I'd like to. I mean – if you would. I mean… I mean 'yes'. I think so. Yes.”
All Kim heard was “yes”. Shego wanted to be “a couple” with her. A gay “couple”. A lesbian “couple”. With her.
Now what? The question was tearing Kim exactly in half. As much as she wanted to be with Shego – just that much did she not want to be a “lesbian”. She wouldn't be able to stand it. And she was too much a public figure to keep it a secret. Everyone would know. Everyone would… suspect… the sort of things that they'd do together. Everyone would point…
“Kim? So… would you…”
Point and say things about her, and whisper to their friends. Some people would even hate her for it. There were certain jobs she'd never be allowed to have, like school-teacher, for one – not that she'd wanted to teach school – but to not be allowed to because -
“Could ya kind of hurry up and say something?”
… because she was “a lesbian” was just… outrageous! And forget about having kids, or getting married. Not in Colorado! Would the GJ even take a lesbian agent? Well, okay, maybe they would, but still, it was going to be a hurdle to jump everywhere she went, everything she'd do, everyone she'd meet…
“Okay. Okay Kim… Okay. Listen. I'll see ya later at home, all right? I have some things to do…”
“I… I can't, Shego…”
“Yeah. It's okay. I'll see ya later -”
“Shego -”
“It's okay, Kim!” Shego began to trot away in the direction of Oakland. She simply wasn't able to bear this anymore. She had to get away.
“Shego! Stop! Listen…” but Shego didn't stop, and broke into a full-on run instead. Kim could hear her shoes hitting the road, each step more inevitable than the last, each stride making them farther and farther apart. Maybe forever. Kim wanted to run after her, but couldn't move. Her heart wasn't breaking – it was being torn apart, she could physically feel it. Shego had one half, while Kim kept the other. Someone was going to have to let go. Shego was already fifty yards away, and her grip on Kim's heart was slipping. Shego was willing to let it go, then… was letting it go… with every slap of her soles on the pavement…
“SHEGO! I LOVE YOU!”