Best Enemies: Redux

Chapter 4

Terms of Engagement

King in Yellow

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TITLE: Terms of Engagement

AUTHOR: King in Yellow

DISCLAIMER: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.

SUMMARY: KIGO, so everyone knows the punchline. Question is whether you have fun getting there. Everyone is a little older, some are a bit wiser.

TYPE: Kim/Shego, Slash

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 4504

Kim almost convinced Wade no problems had occurred during the night out with Shego.

“Sorry Kim, you have to let me stay skeptical.”

Kim decided not to tell Ron or Monique. Ron, she convinced herself, would be too weirded out and worried. Monique would just be worried. Kim's resolve lasted until lunch on Tuesday.

“You what!”

“I went out for coffee with Shego.”

“Girlfriend, one of us needs to see a doctor. Because if I'm not losing my hearing you're losing your mind.”

“Come on, Monique, I want to talk to someone -- and I'm telling you instead of Ron.”

Monique raised one eyebrow, “How about your mom and dad?”

“No, they would worry too much.”

“Kim, they have every reason to worry. But we both have study hall next period and I'm willing to let you convince me if you can that's its a good idea for my best friend and a homicidal maniac to be out on a coffee date.”

“It wasn't a date, she just wanted to talk.”

“Uh, huh, and she called her worst enemy in the world for that?”

Kim giggled, “Actually, she called me her best enemy.”

“Save it for study hall Lucy,” the black woman sighed, “you got lots of ‘splanning to do.”

Second Friday

It was another Friday night just hanging out with Ron and Felix. Kim, half-way down her bowl of popcorn, sat on the back of the couch and stared at the screen as the two boys battled giant mutant zombie poodles in the video game ‘Commodore Puddles’ Revenge.’ Around 9:30 the Kimmunicator beeped.

“What's the sitch?”

“Kim, I hate to ask you this. I mean I REALLY hate to ask you this.” Kim stared at the screen. Wade was holding up a piece of paper on which he had written ‘C2K 10:00?’ “But one of your fans insisted on asking if you dye your hair.”

“Yes, Wade, tell her yes.” On screen Wade put a finger to his head and wiggled it in the universal sign of ‘you're crazy.’

“What? Kim, you don't dye your hair.” Ron, sprawled on the floor, rolled over and stared at her. “Why did you tell Wade that?”

“Is that what I told Wade?” she answered absent-mindedly. “I just remembered something I need to do.”

“You're dead Ron, you can't ignore the poodles like that.” Felix never took his eyes off the screen, “Kim, does Wade often call with such insane questions? And do you want me to call your house for a ride?”

“No and no, thanks Felix, its a nice night, I'll walk. Kill some poodles for me.”

As Kim jogged to her meeting she kept up last week's mantra, “Shego was a hero. I've helped her. She respects me. I respect her.”

Shego had the same booth, but had lost the I'm-here-in-disguise look. In dark, form-fitting jeans and a bulky black sweater against the late winter chill her pale skin and dark hair, pulled back in a pony-tail, gave her a look vaguely between Goth and graduate student in literature.

“Tony, two large no-fat lattes and two pistachios.”

“Scratch one of the no-fats -- I want a grande mocha -- double chocolate!”

“Your treat, Princess?”

“Dutch treat Shego.”

“How about, for purposes of the evening, you call me something else. I'm trying to pretend I'm here incognito. Sheila or Sharon sound good?”

“Okay, Sheila”

Five minutes later the coffee arrived at the table. “I really needed someone to talk with last week,” Shego began. “I just wanted to say…”

“Thank you?”

“No, drop dead was the actual line.” But Shego said it in a light, teasing tone rather than the sarcasm that marked most of their conversations. “But seriously--”

Kim grinned, “We so have to remove that word from our vocabulary.”

“No, really, why did you come? You had to be expecting a trap. You should be expecting one now. I'm tempted to reach over and slap you for being so stupid.”

“I did expect you try something. I guess I'm still on edge. I kept reminding myself how you used to be a hero and how you still value trust and loyalty.”

Shego's voice turned cold, “So you're basically here to convert me?”

“Well, I guess… yes.”

Shego took a bite from the pale green biscotti, chewed and swallowed. “It ain't going to happen Kimmie. And it's not honest. I asked you here because I wanted to talk with you. Talk with me if you want to talk with me. Don't come here to preach or make me something I'm not. Do you want me to try and make you a villain? The two of us would be unbeatable.” Shego leaned towards Kim and went into spooky voice, “Come over the dark side Kimmie, we have cookies.” Dropping back to normal tone, “How does that sound to you?”

“I wouldn't like that. Hey, what did you mean about ‘don't come here if I want to make you something else?’ You planning on this being a regular thing?”

“Uh, I really hadn't thought about that. Patterns are dangerous for me -- don't let people know where you're going to be or when. But tell you what, Pumpkin, if you want to just talk with me it's same time, same place next week. But if you think you can work your magic on me and turn me into a do-gooder don't bother to come. Promise me.”

“I think that's a safe promise… I don't know if I will come back or not. But what if I want to come and get called on a mission? Can I have your phone number?”

“I'll pretend I didn't hear you asking for my help in setting me up.”

“Okay, but if I don't show up I want you to go to my website and ask Wade if I was busy. Now, promise me.”

“Okay, I promise. And I promise I won't try to change the way you are either.”

“Sheila, since I answered your question, will you answer one of mine? Why did you call me? I believe you just wanted someone to talk with -- the question is why ME? Even if you think of me as your ‘best enemy’ it really doesn't make sense.”

“I'm not sure I know the answer. There probably isn't just one. I guess what's most important is that you know me, but you aren't afraid of me. You know enough martial arts to understand some of what happened to me. Hell, you know, sometimes I look at you and see myself seven years ago, before I wised up. You were so pathetic the first few times we fought, I had to try hard not to kill you by accident.”


“Face it Kimmie, a little high school cheerleader against me? I could have broken you like a match stick if I had wanted.”

“You're telling me the fights weren't serious, you weren't trying to hurt me?”

“Oh, I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you so bad you'd go home and forget about the game. This isn't for amateurs and part-timers. Sometimes I see you almost as a kid sister who I want to keep out of trouble…”

“By breaking her leg?”

“By breaking both of them if it will help.”

“All those death traps?”

“Designed by Drakken, who never thinks through a plan well enough.”

“Sorry don't believe you.” Kim objected. “You were on a dirigible once and cut my jet pack off me!”

“Oh yeah, and Stoppable was flying along with you. He was supposed to catch you. And may I point out that he did. Only you had to steal the laser control from me first. You were supposed to just fall into his arms.”

“I didn't steal the control from you. You stole it; I was taking it back for the owner. You really claim you've never tried to kill me?”

There was a long pause before Shego answered. “I don't know. I lose my temper. There's been a time or two when I might really have killed you. That's why you need to quit Cupcake, quit before you do get hurt. I may not be there to save you forever.”

“You just admitted you may have tried to kill me, then claim you've saved my life?”

“How stupid do you think I am? How many times to do I have to leave you with your tools like your laser lipstick, or leave that naked rodent free before you realize I'm going easy on you?”

Kim shook her head as if Shego lived in a fantasy land, “I can't believe you.”

“Oh really?” Shego noticed a metal spoon which had been left at the booth by some earlier coffee drinker. She picked it up, holding it between her thumb and forefinger, and then glanced around the coffee shop to make certain no one was looking their way. “You want an idea of what I can do?” she whispered. “Watch this.” She concentrated for a couple seconds, then the bowl and handle of the spoon hit the top of the table in the booth, in separate pieces, along with a few drops of molten metal that sent up little columns of smoke as they burned into the table.

Kim stretched out a hand. “Don't touch it, you idiot,” Shego hissed as her, and she spilled a few drops of coffee on the spots that were smoking.

“I'm not that stupid,” Kim snapped, holding her hand a few inches over the pieces of the spoon, noticing the heat they still radiated.

Before Kim could move her arm back Shego's arm darted, faster than a snake striking, and the older woman's hand caught Kim by the wrist. Kim panicked momentarily. Shego stared into Kim's eyes, “I could have crippled you for life in any of our fights.” She released Kim's wrist. “Obviously I never did. I've never maimed anyone with my powers. I haven't used the heat, but I think you and Doc have taken more blast damage than any two other people.”

Kim stared at her wrist, “I'll remember that next time we fight -- you're trying to hurt me for my own good. Are you going to tell me you still hold back?”

“Not for a long time. You've grown Kimmie, and I don't just mean in height and cup size. I'm still faster than you, but you're probably stronger than me. If it weren't for my speed and plasma powers you'd pound the snot out of me these days.”

“And that was when you gave me the courtesy of a bow?”

“Oh, I probably noticed it earlier -- I just didn't want to admit it. I went flabby for a few months after they rejected me at my school. You may have caught up while I was lazy. But that's over now. When I'm with you I feel challenged, I feel alive. You're helping me get back in shape too, Pumpkin. A few more months and I'll be back on top. I guess I should say drop dead for that too.”

Kim returned Shego's grin. “So, what's with the little terms of endearment like Princess, Cupcake, and Pumpkin? Or do you say those things to all the girls?”

“Just you Kimmie. It may have been my way of telling you to go home little girl.”

“And now?”

“And now I do it to needle you. I have to distract you, you're so good I need any little edge I can get.”

“Like distracting me with flattery?”

“Exactly.” They laughed together.

Eventually their conversation turned to their love lives.

“I sometimes thought you and Drakken had something going on,” Kim remarked. “Am I the only person who thought that?”

“No, happens a lot. I don't really know why. “

“So, would you care to explain the relationship?”

“I told you, it would take too long to explain it. Just say I owe him a few -- no matter how obnoxious he can be. And in his own clueless way he tries to do right by me. He treats me more like family than hired help -- or I'd have left him for a higher paying job. He gives me space when he knows I need it, and tries to support me when he thinks I need help. You remember how he came to rescue me from Aviarius? And there have been other times--”

“How about that time in South America, with the mind control chips?”

“I hate mind control, I really fucking hate mind control.” she shuddered. “I wish he'd drop it -- creeps me out. But think about it Kim, he even treated you decently. Okay, I hated the apron and baking him cookies -- but he could have done a lot worse to me, and I'd have remembered every minute of it. Think about what he could have done to you… He just ordered you into one of my costumes. He even let you change in my quarters. He could have done anything he wanted to you, anything. And you wouldn't have been able to stop him, and you'd have carried the memory with you for the rest of your life. I'll pause and let you imagination fill in some depraved images… See Princess? Oh, and remember the moodulators? Did Stoppable try to take advantage of you when you were feeling all hot and bothered?”


“Well, Dr. D didn't try to take advantage either. There are a lot of guys who would have. There are a lot of men who think paying you for a job entitles them to special favors.”

“Special favors?”

Shego stared at Kim, not believing she needed it spelled out, “Sex. Remember when Señor Senior, Senior hired me to tutor Junior? The first lesson I had to teach Daddy was that I wasn't getting paid to take off my clothes. Don't let that dirty old man get a mind chip on you.”

“And Junior?”

“I'm not even sure he's into girls. I'm not sure if he's into guys. He may just spend all that time preening ‘cause he's so in love with himself. No, Drakken can be inept, but there is a sweet streak in him that can be endearing if you're in the right mood.”

“Can be inept?”

“Give him credit. He comes up with some spectacular ideas. When he's hot he's the greatest mad scientist alive, when he's feeling lazy he has me steal technology for him, and sometimes he does freelance work for Kitchen-aide.”


“Swear to God. Have you seen the ads for their new Coco Moo Machine? Every time someone buys one it's another twenty-five cents on the next royalty check. I shouldn't tell you this, but he says his newest project is a death ray. I'm betting he comes up with a microwave that will pop a bag of corn in under five seconds. Probably do a twelve pound turkey in two minutes.”

“You really say a guy making Super Microwave has spectacular ideas?”

“He just lacks the patience to work out the bugs. Think about it, he created the Bebes -- the greatest piece of robotics and artificial intelligence at the time. Two or three mind control devices -- I'm glad he dropped that, but he could take over the world with those, just get a few on world leaders and he's in charge of everything. His clones… I think he needs to go back and stabilize the process.”

“Mind control could take over the world, but you think he should drop it?”

“It really creeps me out, I don't want anyone playing with my brain.”

“But why work on his cloning plans? Are you wanting an army of Kim clones to order around?”

“No. Use your imagination, think of what you could do if that cloning technique could be stabilized. Organs always available for transplant, an endless supply of every blood type for transfusion. The medical uses are endless.”

“He could save thousands of lives every year.”

“And make millions on the patents, that's where I'm looking. But we're getting off the subject. I was asking you about Stoppable. I'm sort of curious. I thought the two of you were dating or something.”

“We were. Things change. Why does everyone assume we still are dating?”

“It's because you're still friends.”

Kim looked at Shego with a puzzled expression.

The older woman sighed, “Do you know ‘When Harry Met Sally’?”

“No, when was that?”

“It's a movie. It essentially says a man and woman can't stay friends without ending up in bed. And that idea, Princess, is why everyone thinks you and Ron should end up together. Its a stupid cliché, guy and girl are friends so they have to end up together. People like clichés, keeps them from having to really think. I'd like to believe a man and woman can be friends without needing to get into each other's pants. I hope you and Stoppable can show the world something other than a hackneyed stereotype for romance junkies and lazy scriptwriters. Sorry, I sometimes ramble. Want to talk about what happened with you and Stoppable?”

Kim stared off into space for a minute. “No, not really… But maybe I should. I'm not really sure what happened. Sometimes I think it was my fault. More often I blame him. He went all crazy on me--”

Shego snorted, “Crazy? How could you tell the difference?”

“It was like everything that could possibly go wrong did. He went on a weird eating binge, he locked himself in a safe so he wouldn't have to face the world, he cheated at school, he'd have nightmares and call me at three in the morning for reassurance, he broke into my house and stole my clothes--”

“Time out, Princess. He broke into your room and stole your clothes?”

Kim nodded her head yes.

“Funny, Stoppable never struck me as a cross-dresser. Or did he get off smelling your panties?”

“Neither. It's kind of complicated. He was trying to impress me--”

“By stealing your clothes.”

“Well it sounds stupid when you say it like that.”

“Want to find a way where it doesn't sound stupid?”

Kim continued. “And our ‘dates'… He'd take me to restaurants and ask me to tell the waiter I was twelve so I could order from the kiddie menu. Or we'd go to the Middleton Mall and I'd have to spend three hours watching him trying to win a stuffed frog from the giant claw machine.”

Shego closed her eyes and groaned in sympathy. Kim almost smiled. “He didn't even want to tell Yori we were dating--” the redhead continued.

“Yori?” Shego interrupted. “Who is Yori?”

“A girl who was interested in him. How interested can he be in me if he's afraid to tell another girl we're dating? And he knew me so well… Have you heard of Camille Leon?”

“The shape shifter? Yeah.”

“Twice he couldn't tell which of us was which. I'm his best friend since forever, we're dating, and he can't identify me? There was some other stuff, but you see what I mean by he went all crazy?” Shego nodded. Kim jabbed her finger down on the table top for emphasis, “I saw how he treated other girls when he dated them - he didn't treat me that well. He took me for granted. He treated me worse than when we were just friends!”

“But you said sometimes you blamed yourself? Sounds like he was certifiable.”

“Maybe I was too rough on him. Maybe I couldn't appreciate his good qualities enough.”

“You strike me as a pretty high maintenance girlfriend,” Shego teased.

“I was feeling resentful,” Kim confessed. “It was putting a strain on our real friendship. He's my best friend in the world. God, Shego, I would do anything to keep Ron as a friend. I was afraid we'd end up in a major fight if we kept dating and I'd swear off seeing him forever. I'd do anything to keep from losing him as a friend,” Kim sighed, “You ever lose a best friend?”

“I'm not sure I've ever had one.” That reality struck Shego hard, she'd heard the sadness in Kim's voice and paused for a minute. There was a serious tone in the pale woman's voice when she spoke again, “This is really going to sound stupid after some of the things I said a minute ago, and after what you said, but you ought to think about getting back together with Ron. It was obviously hard for him to make the transition from best friend to boyfriend. But give him a chance. God, the man would follow you into hell. You've got to appreciate loyalty like that.”

“I appreciate Ron, but loyal is a trait for a dog, not a boyfriend.”

“It's damn hard to get in a boyfriend. Cherish it. Hell, he's got a sense of humor too -- if you don't want him I'll take him.”

“Don't you have any sort of wild passionate love on your list of what you're looking for? Loyal with a sense of humor is it?”

“Wild passion is grossly over-rated. Do you know Pride and Prejudice?”

“Is that a movie too?”

Shego gave Kim a dirty look, “It's a novel. Greatest novel ever written. There's a character… Caroline Bingley? No, Charlotte Lucas. Anyway, Elizabeth Bennett turns down Mr. Collins because he's got the personality of a bowl of cold oatmeal. She wants someone she can love madly. Charlotte accepts his proposal because better a dependable clod than being by yourself forever. I'm a Charlotte, I just want someone I can count on at this point.”

“Boy, you really have diminished expectations. What happened to Elizabeth?”

“Oh, Mr. Darcy, who was handsome and passionate, swept her off her feet. Is that who you're waiting for, Princess? Prince Charming? A Mr. Darcy, who will sweep you off your feet?”

“Something wrong with that?”

Shego stared at her for a minute. “No. You're young. You can wait a few years until you're jaded and cynical like me. I just hope you don't decide you've thrown away something good for an ideal that doesn't really exist.”

“I love Ron, it's just… I don't know how to say it. When we were out, even when we kissed it was like there was something that wasn't there. “

“Do you know what you want?”

“No, not really. It's like I wanted more of something that I couldn't recognize.”

“You are a hopeless romantic. You've been watching too many movies with happy endings. White knights don't happen any more, Princess. Lower your sights.”

“Look,” Kim growled, “I'm getting real tired of everyone trying to set me up or dictate my love life to me. Drop it, okay.”

“Sorry, kid.”

“And don't call me ‘kid.'”

Shego's answer sounded sincere. “I really am sorry. It sounds like both our love lives suck. I wish we go out to one of those bars down the street and get plastered.”

Kim nodded her head yes, “Hey, I know what you mean about lousy love lives. Neither of us had dates for New Year's Eve.”

“Yeah, I--”

“Hah! Gotcha!” Kim called triumphantly.


“You just admitted you lied last New Year's Eve when you called up and said you were going out on a date.”

“No, I forgot… I mean, I didn't know which New Year's… Er… Oh, hell. I lied to you Princess. I didn't have a date last New Year's Eve. But I'll have a good one next New Year's.”

“Oh yeah, from the woman who says she'll date a guy with the personality of cold oatmeal.”

“Well, the woman waiting for a white knight to sweep her off her feet isn't going to have anything but disappointment next New Year's.”

“Twenty bucks, Shego, twenty bucks. We have a truce next January first. You bring your guy; I bring my guy. The woman with the hotter date wins the money.”

Shego laughed, “It's a bet, Possible. But how do we decide who has the hotter date?”

“I'll kiss your guy if you kiss mine.”

“Kiss your what, Pumpkin?”

“Kiss my guy, you idiot,” Kim giggled

“Okay, sounds like more fun than how this year came in.”

Kim held up her right arm, all fingers curled into a fist except for the little finger, which pointed straight up, “Pinky promise?”

Shego rolled her eyes, then linked little fingers with Kim. “It's going to be an easy twenty. No guy can measure up to what you want.”

“Look, it doesn't have to be a Mr. Darcy riding a white knight,” they both laughed at the slip, “with standards as low as you have I know I'll be dating someone a lot hotter. Eww, you dated Mr. Barkin. I guess that proves you really are desperate.”

“Don't make fun of the guy. He had his good points. If he'd ditch the ugly sports jackets and not try to sing he might be salvageable.”

“You'd better not be out with him next New Year's Eve.”

“Not likely.”

“I thought you said he had good points.”

“Yeah, well I also told you he couldn't sing. And I think when I let the Dobermans loose on him I killed any chances of going out with him again.”

It was another hour before Kim realized, “Ohmygosh! I forgot to call home and say I'd be late. I'm dead.”

“Can you call now?”

“I don't know. If mom and dad are in bed I might be able to sneak in -- Don't look at me like that ‘Sheila’ -- without them knowing.”

“Can I give you are ride Princess, the hovercraft is faster than a hike.”

“Yes… No… We aren't supposed to trust each other are we?”

“I'm trusting you. I told you, I'll be here next week -- same time, same place. There's your chance to set a trap for me. But you know the rule -- don't come looking to change me. I only want you here if you enjoy the company.”

As she followed Kim home in the hovercraft Shego tried to tell herself she didn't care if Kim showed up next week or not. The truth was that she desperately wanted Kim to be there because she enjoyed Shego's company as much as Shego enjoyed her's. But there had to be ground rules, and Shego had no interest in having Kim ‘save her soul.’

And Kim had a lot on her mind as she walked home. One thing she thought about were the two pieces of spoon in her pocket. She considered asking Wade for an analysis. Had Shego really melted metal or was it a trick of some sort?

Author's Note: I am considering a less extensive updating of Cognitive Dissonance. I would like to add a scene where Kim and Shego resolve their bet over who had the hotter date on the next New Year's Eve.

A Simple Jewish Wedding refers back to the Pride and Prejudice conversation.

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