Horny Lil' Devils: Extended!

Chapter Five

Punching Canon in the Throat…


1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6

TITLE: Punching Canon in the Throat…

AUTHOR: Chaosengine

DISCLAIMER: Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

SUMMARY: Ron and his buddy are imps from Hell who are sent to torment Kim.

TYPE: Undefinable

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

Words: 8930

“You STOLE a big-horn sheep from the ZOO?!?!” Kim’s face was contorted into a mask of utmost confusion. “WHY?!?!”

The oversized animal stood in the middle of the Possible’s kitchen and snorted at the redhead. Its curved horns and permanent scowl made it appear even more evil than the imps who stole it.

“Whaddaya mean why?!” Ted popped the top off of a cold one and gave it to the beast. “Look at him, he’s awesome!”

“We were just doin’ what you said to do, KP, why so mad?” Ron began tearing pages out of a book to feed the critter. “Protecting animals is supposed to be important, right?”

“You moron, you’re supposed to save ENDANGERED animals! This sheep was in a healthy enclosure, he was in NO danger, dammit!” The young Possible froze as she took a closer look at the contents of the goat’s meal. “Are those my SCHOOL BOOKS?!?!”

“What can I say, KP, George has a hunger for knowledge!” Stoppable pulled her diary from his pocket and stuffed it into the ewe’s yap.

“You dirty son-of-a-…” Kim grabbed Ron by the throat and started strangling him.

“Pat Sajak!” Ted shouted the command word and George responded as trained. The ram snorted and charged Possible like a linebacker, slamming into her with his horns and sending her flying out a window.

“Good work, George!” Ron gave the hoofed thug a hug. “I think it’s time to potty train him.”

“Alright, I’ll go jimmy the lock off Kim’s room.” Ted grabbed a crowbar from behind the fridge and the two infernal assholes walked the ram upstairs.

Kim landed in her front yard right next to the stolen boat engine, the broken pile of hockey sticks and the statue of Ed Bradley that had at one time been part of Ron and Ted’s recent attempts at alleviating boredom. Picking herself up, the angry woman dusted herself off and shot enraged glances at her own house. Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, she dialed up the Three Fates and waited for someone to pick up.

“LOOK, if this is about all those parking tickets I stuffed under your windshield wiper, don’t park next to a FUCKING hydrant, you retard!” Bonnie’s voice roared into Kim’s ear, causing her to draw back slightly.

“Bonnie, it’s ME, do you remember that “rent-to-own” idea we were kicking around?” Possible smiled like a rabid wombat. “Well, I’ve decided to go ahead and try it, you still in?”

“Finally, I’ll grab Tara and be there in thirty minutes. For some reason, she wants the dorky blond one, so that leaves the drunk for me.” Rockwaller slid her nightstick into her belt and smirked. “You better not try changing your mind like you did with whole “group marriage” idea I had, ‘Nique is still a little peeved about that.”

“Look, just get over here and deal with these two, okay?” Kim snapped her phone shut and exhaled. ‘Shego promised to reel those two in, but she hasn’t done squat! Maybe if I let B & T work on ‘em for awhile, they’ll lay off me for a change.’

Yori rubbed and massaged Shego’s shoulders as the Empusa sat on a stool, reading a magazine. The ninja wore a long, silk body suit that left little to the imagination.

“Shego-sama, I was thinking, when I begin making my vast wealth from my… “practice”… that we could go on vacation together. A warm island, perhaps, where we could engage in violent crime and various forms of intercourse for a few weeks, so we could get better acquainted.” The devious woman kept trying to reach down and fondle the demon’s “love bumps”, only to have her hand pushed away over and over.

“Uh huh, whatever…” Shego paid the girl no attention, answering flatly, without eye contact.

Yori frowned and took a few steps back, eyeing the apathetic devil with annoyance. Taking a deep breath, the ninja leapt at the seductress, only to find an empty stool and a painful landing.

“Nice try, but that ain’t happenin’.” Shego wrapped her tail around the asian girl’s waist and picked her up, holding her at eye level. “I’m flattered by your audacity, but the goody-good is officially my bitch, so I’m gonna have to say NO.”

“Shego-sama, she does not support your evil nature! Surely, I can be a much better match for your wicked beauty.” The horny captive tried to plant a kiss on the villainess.

Shego let out an irritated sigh and flung the ninja across the room, sticking her headfirst through the door of a closet. The devil turned to leave, only to hear her admirer call after her.

“I love you!!” Still stuck in the door, Yori blew a kiss to her “true love”.


The Three Fates pulled into the driveway and piled out of the car, all three of them sporting sexy, three-piece suits and dark sunglasses. Bonnie, swathed in chocolate brown, had her nightstick in hand. Tara’s pure white ensemble was nearly blinding; in her hand she carried a large attaché case. Monique, clothed in a dark blue, approached Kim and removed her shades.

“These two will be playing with your “guests”, while you, Shego and I make a stop at the mall.” The gorgeous, ebony babe gently sucked on the earpiece of her sunglasses.

“Fine, anything to get some time away from those idiots!” Kim looked back to see her girlfriend slam the front door in anger and cross her arms in disgust. “Shego, are you okay?”

The she-monster composed herself and smiled nervously. “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just go already!”

The three shoppers jumped into Monique’s mustang and roared away, leaving Bonnie and Tara to deal with the imps.

“Ronnie and I are gonna live happily ever after!” Tara opened her brief case and pulled out a bottle of chloroform and a rag. “Now I just have to knock him out and kidnap him!”

“Yeah, you have fun with that…” Rockwaller spun her nightstick in a circle and marched into the house.

Ted sucked the last few drops of scotch from the bottle he held and tossed it over his shoulder, adding it to the steadily growing pile. Ron sat on the couch next to him, eating a bowl of mashed potatoes, corn flakes, and ice cream mixed together. George the ram stood nearby, eating one of Kim’s sweaters.

Ron looked up from his meal and glanced around nervously. “Dude, it felt like somebody just stepped on my grave.”

“We can’t die, so we won’t get graves.” Keening lit up a cigarette and blew a mouthful of smoke into the air. “Maybe it’s that funny-putty you ate…”

“I don’t know, maybe…” Stoppable scratched his chin and went back to eating, completely unaware of the spooky blond that stood behind him.

“SURPRISE!” Tara shoved the chemical soaked rag into the dork's face and held it there until he passed out.

Ted opened his mouth to laugh, but the crack of a club against his skull interrupted him. “HEY, what the hell was that for?!”

“You’re gonna be my slave for the day, loser, now shut up and carry me to the corner store! I need to pick up some stuff, and I ain’t walkin’!” Bon-bon smacked him again before climbing onto his back. “Now MARCH, you jackass!”

Wobbling under the extra weight, Ted stopped and looked up at the mounted maiden. “Wow, your ass is warm and soft.”

A set of knuckles collided with the back of his head. “Shut UP and move, scumbag!”

Tara stuffed the Ron-ster into the back seat of a waiting cab and then climbed in after him. Slamming the door, she gave directions to the cabbie with a big, creepy smile. The older man looked back at the unconscious freckled boy and gave the babe an odd look.

“What’s his problem?”

“We’re in LOVE!” T-girl hugged the limp imp and shook him vigorously.

“Ain’t YOU the one that’s supposed to be unconscious?” The cabbie asked with a smirk.

“Hell NO!” Tara’s eyes burned with little, evil skulls.

“Right, what was I thinkin’?” The driver started the meter and drove off, but not before shuddering slightly. ‘I remember when girls was cute…’

Monique, Kim and Shego wandered through the Middleton Mall, looking for a specific store. “The Tanned Hide” leather shop was owned and operated by an old school friend of The Three Fates, the beautiful Amelia, who had finished a repair job on an item of Monique’s.

“Your “Love Hand” is as good as new, sweetie.” Amelia held up a shoulder length, black leather glove covered with spikes. “You know I found a tooth stuck between a few of those points. Any idea who it belongs to?”

“He’s probably long gone by now. Ya break a guys jaw and he turns around and breaks your heart, what a world.” Monique handed over her credit card and turned to Shego. “Thank gawd for those imps of yours, girl, I don’t know what we would do without ‘em.”

The devil lady plucked a bull whip off of a nearby rack and twisted it in her hands. “Yeah, I trained those boys to please, and I don’t screw around when it comes to pain.”

“They’re both a couple of assholes, if you ask me!” Kim kept her distance from the paraphernalia; this particular lifestyle was amusing to her once, but no longer. “I’m just glad to be away from them for a change.”

“Girl, you’ve been too damn uptight lately!” Monique placed her glove into a gift bag and approached her grumpy friend. “I miss the “evil” Kim, where did she go?”

“Apparently, she is safely tucked between Kim-san’s butt cheeks.” Yori suddenly appeared behind Possible dressed like a biker model. “I also believe there is a rather large stick jammed up there as well.”

“Aw hell, here we go…” Shego crossed her arms and frowned, an inevitable shit-storm was about to start.

“Just what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?!” Kim turned around sharply and glared the ninja right in the eye.

“Uh, who the hell is that?” Monique looked to Shego with confusion.

“Simply put, you are too “vanilla” to handle a demon like Shego-sama. You had best leave her to someone who can best match her evil capacity, like me for example.” Yori placed her hands on her hips and flashed a mocking smile at Kim.

“You might be right, after all, how can I compete with a slut that fell into the sack with the two biggest jackasses in town within fifteen minutes of walking into my house.” Kim fired a grin so smug that it could rip the varnish off a foot locker.

“Damn…” Monique put her hand over her mouth and winced.

“She’s got ya there, Lucy Lui.” Shego clicked her teeth and sneered.

The ninja girl gritted her teeth and glowered for a moment, before bowing politely and turning away. Suddenly, she spun back around and caught Possible with a right hook that knocked the redhead back a few steps.

“SO, you wanna get rough now, huh?” Kim wiped her busted lip and frowned. Swinging her foot in a low arch, Possible nailed the asian right in the shin with a loud “crunch”.

Yori jumped up and down as she rubbed her leg vigorously to dull the pain. “As you American’s say, IT’S ON!” The girl took a fighting pose and waited for Kim’s response.

“BRING IT, BITCH!” Kim lunged at Yori and a full fledged, knock-down, drag-out fight started.

“Oh SHIT!” Monique dove under a bench to avoid the rumble.

“Now THIS is interesting!” Shego punched a soda machine and grabbed one of the cans that fell out. Popping the top, she leaned against a wall and watched the fight.

Both combatants let out all the stops as customers ran screaming to get away from the flurry of blows that followed. Clothing racks were knocked over, potted plants were smashed, trash cans were hurled through the air and mall security guards were beaten senseless. What was once an immaculate shopping center was now a demilitarized zone, with devastation stretching from one end to the other. The two girls who caused it were both ripped and bloody, but still fighting when the sound of sirens filled the air.

“Oh SHIT, we don’t need THIS!” Shego grabbed ‘Nique around the waist and ran towards Possible in a panic. “C’mon, Princess, I ain’t got the cash to bail you out of jail, so let’s move!”

“This ISN’T over, bitch!” Kim hissed over her shoulder at the ninja, as she was forcefully dragged through a nearby emergency exit.

Yori scowled at the redhead before being surrounded by cops. The lead officer strode forward, drew his sidearm and ordered her to put her hands on her head. The asian thug complied only long enough to toss a pellet at her feet which exploded into a billowing cloud of smoke. The policemen coughed and gasped, as they stumbled around blindly inside the fogbank. When the air finally cleared, the foreign beauty was gone, leaving the boys-in-blue to scratch their heads in confusion.

Ted leaned against the wall of the Quickly-Stop, drenched with sweat and gasping for air. He had carried the forceful brunette several miles on his back, taking punches to the back of the head, and being chased by dogs all at the same time. Despite his haggard appearance, the imp was pleased, as the only thing on his mind was the image of Rockwaller’s perfect ass pressing against his back.

A group of grubby little kids approached the Ted-ster and eyed him suspiciously.

“Hey mistor, whut happ’ned ta yoo?” The brat who closely resembled a much younger Jonathon Taylor Thomas questioned.

“I was being chased down the street by… Michael Jackson!” Ted lunged at them, causing the kids to squeal in terror and scatter in all directions.

Rockwaller stepped out of the store and body checked a leering dork into a trashcan before marching up to Keening.

“Okay, LOSER, now that you’re finished traumatizing the local children, it’s time to haul me back to Possible’s house!” Bonnie grabbed him by the collar and looked him dead in the eye.

“I… I think I LOVE you…” Ted half mumbled as he stared back at the vicious Dom.

“Love me later, CARRY me NOW!” The girl climbed on his back and began driving her sharp heels into his kidneys and smacking him in the head.

The imp turned to leave, when a black mini-van squealed into the parking lot at full speed, nearly running the two over. Ted leaned left and right, as his balance was thrown off by the near miss.

“You drop me, doofus, and I’ll be using your scrotum as a punching bag!” Rockwaller jumped off his back, punched him in the face, and turned to scold the reckless driver. “You crazy BASTARD, do you have any idea WHO I am?!”

The driver side window rolled down to reveal Betty Director, who addressed the enraged woman with a look of desperation.

“Miss Rockwaller, I need you and Theodore to assist me in an experiment. I need to update my Demon Database, and poor Josh is still in counseling!” The one-eyed woman smiled sweetly at Bonnie, giving her a pleading look.

“I paid good money to have my way with this drunken fucktard, why the HELL should I waste my time helping YOU?” The brunette crossed her arms and scowled.

“You’ll get to stab him with sharp and unusual items, and get PAID to do it!” Betty waggled her eyebrows and smiled evilly.

“DEAL!” Bon-bon turned to the imp and sneered. “It’s been awhile since I’ve “poked” a guy, you’re a lucky man, dumbass!”

Ted, however, didn’t hear a word of the conversation, as he was too busy shoving garbage up the tail pipes of the various cars in the lot.

“You say something, baby?” Keening walked up to Bonnie and winked.

“Shut up and get in the van, BITCH!” Rockwaller grabbed and tossed him into the vehicle before climbing in after him.

“Wonderful, now off we go!” Betty hit the gas and tore out of the lot at full speed, side swiping a bus and plowing over several signs before disappearing up the street.

Anne Possible stood next to a vat of thick, blue liquid that sloshed around in its tank like a giant amoeba. An army of scientists and henchmen milled about the facility, running tests and carrying equipment.

“So tell me, Doctor, have you found any practical uses for my imp D.N.A.?” The evil villain craned her neck and gave her employee a sweet smile.

“Well…” The man in the lab coat cleared his throat nervously, and led her to an observation room. “We tried injecting it into a few test subjects, but the results were less than impressive.”

The good doctor pressed a few buttons on a nearby console and a screen opened up to reveal the contents of the adjoining room. A group of henchmen lay scattered on the floor inside, surrounded by heaps of empty bottles and beer cans, none of them moving.

“Good lord, are they all DEAD?!” Anne recoiled in shock and turned to her crony with anger.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. It would seem the host subject’s alcoholism was genetic, all these men died of alcohol poisoning.” The man smiled nervously and took a few steps away from the Surgeon.

“Please tell me this isn’t the ONLY test you ran?” The elder Possible waver her “finger” at the man and frowned hard.

“Oh no, we have a few others to check up on, just follow me.” The frightened man hurriedly led the woman to a large garage door on one of the outer walls.

As the door rolled upwards, a test vehicle shot past them, running over henchmen and plowing headlong into everything in its path. The man behind the wheel was powerless to control it; all he could do was hold on and scream for his life.

“What the HELL is going on here!” Anne gritted her teeth and glowered at the now terrified flunky.

“We converted the substance into a fuel additive; obviously, it’s not working out so well.” The man held his clipboard in front of him, in hopes it would save his grubby ass from the impending pain.

The crazed car slammed into a wall of machinery and exploded, setting several workers on fire. The flaming gents ran around in circles screaming in blind agony.

“That’s strike TWO, doctor!” The redhead grabbed the coward by the neck and stared him in the eye.

“Not to worry, we have one trial that’s still in progress. Let’s go see how it’s faring, shall we?” The frightened man swallowed hard and smiled weakly at his employer.

Pulling away from the angry leader’s death grip, the portly fellow led her through the complex to a viewing room nearby. Pulling aside a curtain, the two were stunned by the spectacle within. A group of men and women were in the midst of a full blown orgy, with clothing scattered everywhere.

“What the HELL is THIS!!!” The Brain surgeon lifted him off his feet and shook him like rag doll.

“We evaporated some of the substance and pumped the resulting gas into this room, we had no idea it would act as an aphrodisiac!” The doctor struggled to escape the evil woman’s impending wrath.

Anne gave him the “finger” repeatedly, reducing him to a charred pile of burnt man mush. The woman turned to leave, when something in the porn room caught her attention. Moving up to the window, the villain gasped in surprise.


The perky secretary pressed her naked chest against the window and smiled weakly. “Hello, ma’am, I’ll be with you in a second.”

A pair of horny guys picked the nekkid administrative assistant up and carried her back to the love fest, leaving Anne to fume over the failure of her plan.

“All I can do now is flush the stuff down the toilet…”

The Middleton Community pool wasn’t particularly crowded this time of year, but there were enough loud mouth guys around to shout cat calls at the gorgeous blond in the black two-piece that sauntered up to poolside wearing a pair of tasteful, open toed sandals. Ron appeared behind her, carrying the towels and a cooler. The boy wore a pair of cargo shorts and a red t-shirt with black lettering that read, “I went to the Lake of Fire and all I got was incinerated!”

Tara dove into the pool and resurfaced, glistening with water and looking about as delicious as a full course meal, with dessert and free coffee on the side.

“Man, I would eat an entire box of cereal out of that chick’s ass!” A rotund nerd standing next to Stoppable was practically drooling over the beautiful nixie.

“Dude, weak!” Ron glanced at the dork with a look of disgust.

“Well, I would!” The loser defended his grotesque statement and went back to salivating uncontrollably.

“I had to watch my best friend do that once, and it was the last time, I mean it!” The freckled imp was about to jump into the water to join the mermaid, when a group of thuggish toughs surrounded him.

“Listen, pussy, my latest issue of “Bullies Monthly” says that if I kick your ass, your sexy girlfriend will give me and my boys a hummer!” The lead mongoloid looked down at Ron with a face reminiscent of a gorilla set loose from a burn center.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, how many gallons of anti-freeze did you have to drink to get a dumb idea like that?” Stoppable stared at the idiots in amazement.

“Dude, he’s raggin’ on anti-freeze, that stuff makes some great daiquiris!” One of the burnt ape’s buddies spoke up.

“No more reasonable arguments, its clobberin’ time!” All three thugs drew back their fists to wallop the imp.

Ron quickly changed into a skunk and sprayed all three with a blast of noxious stink, sending them running in the opposite direction.

“Oh gawd, my EYES!”

“It smells like my Uncle Rudy’s bedroom!”

Stoppable changed back as Tara approached him and grabbed his arm.

“What are you doing, Ronnie, trying to escape?” Tara gave him a little nudge and laughed.

Ron looked down at the beeping object affixed to his ankle and swallowed hard. “Of course not, uh… I was just… thinking about how cute you are, eheh.”

“Okay, Ronnie-bear, I believe you.” The evil nixie frowned and sniffed the air. “What’s that smell?”

“Uh, we should probably move to the other side of the pool, I think that odor is someone playin’ a Justin Timberlake CD over here.” Ron pushed the blond away from the stench cloud and gathered up their supplies.

Tara unrolled her towel and turned to the imp. “Would you grab my lotion out of the bag, Snookums?”

“Uh, sure, no problem.” Stoppable held up the bottle and turned to look at his creepy captor.

The siren laid down on her towel and struck a seductive pose, gently sucking her finger, she looked Ron dead in the eyes and in a husky tone said, “Rub it on me.”

The boy’s eyes popped open as wide as they could go. He squeezed the bottle of lotion with such force, that the cap flew off and a geyser of suntan oil shot up into the air and struck a bird in flight. The greasy pigeon sailed out of control and smashed right into the lifeguard’s face, causing the poor guy to fall off of his high chair and land on a nearby barbeque grill. The grill fell over and spilled hot charcoal onto a blanket that immediately caught fire. The flames sent the pool goers into a mad panic that sadly, caused imp Ron to get trampled as they made a mad dash for the exit.

Stoppable stood up and brushed himself off. His clothes were shredded and covered with footprints, while the cooler and all the food it contained had been stolen. To add insult to injury, his shorts fell down.

“Aw, man…” The blond looked down and a sad expression crept over his face.

Tara laughed so hard that one of her perfect breasts popped out of her top, like a friendly groundhog jumping up to say “hello”.

Ron stared in amazement, as he squeezed the bottle again and shot himself in the eye with the lotion. “EWW, man!”

“Now YOU know how it feels!” Tara fired a sinister glance at the boy before replacing her “boulder” back into its “holder”.

Ron wiped the oily goop from his face and looked at the crazy girl with fear. “Well, it’s been fun… but I better be goin…”

The giggling harpy stabbed the imp with a stun gun, shocking the hell out of him and dropping him in his tracks.

“Oh no you don’t, Ronnie-bear; we still have to visit the enchanted forest!” A shadow crept over the girls face, chilling the Ron-ster to the core.

“Uh… what’s an “enchanted forest”?” Ron curled into a frightened ball and shuddered under the terrifying blond’s presence.

“Just a little something I whipped up in our back yard, you’ll DIE for it!” Tara belted out a laugh so wicked, that every bird in earshot took off and flew for safety.

“Aw, man… where is Ted when I need him?

Ted sat in a chair in the Possible’s dining room while Betty Director stood in front of him with a clip board, wearing her trademark, skin tight, navy blue jump suit. Bonnie stood off to one side, looking annoyed.

“Okay, let’s try some silver.” The one-eyed woman glanced at Bonnie and nodded.

“With pleasure!” Rockwaller grabbed a silver dagger from a pile of assorted objects on the table and stabbed Ted in the chest. Wearing an evil grimace, she twisted the dagger several times before pulling it out. Ted, who felt very little, took the opportunity to grope her perfectly shaped ass.

“Anything?” Betty asked as her eyebrow rose in an inquisitive manner.

“Oh yeah, this feels great!” Ted answered without looking at her, his attention was firmly rooted to the junk in Rockwaller’s trunk.

“No, I meant the material…” Betty frowned, as it was obvious the attack was unsuccessful.

“You like that, don’t you BITCH?” Bonnie shoved her crotch in his face and raked her nails down his back.

“Let’s see, now try the obsidian.” She picked up a dark, primitive looking shard of stone and handed it to Bonnie.

The tanned Dome jabbed the shard into Ted’s skull repeatedly until it was in pieces. “Call me a Goddess, you SCUMBAG!”

Keening mumbled a response, but it was unintelligible, due to the fact that he was wearing Rockwaller like a mask.

“As amusing and exciting as this trial has turned out, it seems ALL my previous data concerning demonic weakness is FALSE. I wonder what exactly your weakness is, Teddy dear.” Dr. Director set the clipboard down and patted Ted on his head. “Thank you, Miss Rockwaller, you have been most helpful!” Betty placed a small kiss on the girl’s cheek.

“Do you want me to stab him with all of them at once, just to be sure?” The manic woman was grinding herself into the imp with such force that the back of the chair started to crack.

“No, but please continue what you’re doing.” The sound of a cell phone caught the hunter’s attention. Grabbing it out of her duffel, she flipped it open and answered it. “This is Miss B, what’s the sitch’? Uh huh… I see… when? I’ll be there shortly!” Slapping the phone shut, she looked at the two young people. “Would you two mind helping me with something else?”

“For twenty percent of your fee.” Bonnie answered quickly, not turning her attention away from her “victim”.

Ted pushed Rockwaller away for a second to respond. “What do I get?”

Betty knelt down and whispered into his ear.

“Seriously, ALRIGHT, count me IN!” Keening jumped out of the chair, picked up Bonnie, slung her over her shoulder, and ran outside to Betty’s van.

Dr. Director smiled, gathered up her equipment and walked after her new “assistants”.

Kim stepped out of the dressing room at Club Banana wearing a new outfit to replace the one that had been destroyed during the “mall brawl”. Looking up, she nearly tripped at the sight of Shego and Monique making out.

“SHEGO, what the HELL are you doing?!” The redhead forced the two apart and glared at her mate.

“She bet me ten bucks that I didn’t have the guts to do it.” Shego licked her lips and grinned at the ebony trickster.

“That’s what she does when she wants attention.” Kim frowned at Moni’ and sat down between the two.

“You talk big now, girl, but you fell for that same wager at least a DOZEN times.” The ebony sweetheart blinked innocently and chuckled.

“Ooooh, a chocolate Possible sandwich, I kinda like the sound of that!” Shego produced a wad of bills and waved them at Kim. “Twenty bucks says you won’t french the ‘Nique-ster!”

“Make it THIRTY!” Monique held up a ten and smirked like a jackal.

Kim was about to protest, until she considered the money she just spent on her new outfit. “Alright, but no groping!”

“I ain’t promisin’ nuthin’, baby!” Moni leapt onto her friend and proceeded to molest her.

A stock boy stood staring wide-eyed with a steadily growing bulge in his trousers.

“How’s THAT for race relations, eh Pee-Wee?” The devil woman elbowed the aroused loser in his package and laughed hysterically as he doubled over and groaned.

The store manager ran over and froze at the wrestling match going on in the middle of his business. “What is this?”

“I’ll let ya watch, but it’ll cost ya twenty bucks a minute.” Shego imposed herself between the fat guy and the sex-pectacle on the floor.

The balding man handed her a piece of paper and smiled. “This is a signed, blank check. Just write in the amount and we’ll be fine!”

“Pleasure doin’ business with ya.” The opportunistic fiend scribbled a few things on the check and stuffed it down her cleavage.

“Now I just need to get some lotion and a roll of paper towels.” The sweaty pervert ran towards his stock room, knocking over his own merchandise in a mad rush.

“Ew…” Shego turned to look at the grope fest and recoiled in surprise. “Good gawd, Halle Berry, you could save some of that for behind closed doors!”

“I don’t tell you how to do YOUR job, do I?!?!” Monique shouted at the flesh merchant as she proceeded to escort Miss Possible to “O” country.

“Seein’ this, we’re gonna have to start callin’ you Kobe Bryant!” The devil snatched the moaning stock boy’s wallet out of his pocket and nipped his cash.

“That’s cool, because I’m about to SCORE!” ‘Nique worked the redhead like an accordion.

“That’s not what I was referrin’ to, but it works.” Shego crossed her legs and started filing her nails.

“Oh gawd, Snowman Hank!!” Kim moaned at the top of her lungs.

Both of her friends stared at her with stupefied amazement. “WHAT?!?!”

Kimberly blushed and smiled nervously. “Uh… nothing… eheh.”

The P.I.S.S.E.D. minivan pulled up next to a fog enshrouded pond, the forest surrounding it was eerie and silent, like in a horror movie. Betty stepped out from the drivers’ seat and opened the side door. Bonnie stepped out, sporting a black jumpsuit that mirrored Dr. Director’s. The front zipper was pulled down enough to reveal cleavage so sweet that it would give gummi bears diabetes. Keening hopped out of the vehicle wearing a white suit with targets painted all over it and the word “bait” written across his back.

The imp ogled Rockwaller and her “full frontal assault”. “You are one SMOKIN’ hot tamale, Bon-bon!”

“You bet your ASS I am, and if your lucky and do everything I say, you just might find your face camping in there, got it?” Rockwaller gave him a sneer and pushed him against the van with force.

“What about Lil’ Ted, can he go camping in the mountains too?” The pervert smiled with horny expectation.

“We’ll see!” Bonnie grabbed his Lil’ Ted and gave it a hard squeeze.

“Alright troops, according to my client, a demon supposedly lives in this pond. So we need to be careful and try to observe the entity before we attempt contact.” Betty produced a spy glass from her pack and held it up to her good eye.

“Why don’t we let it rip Mr. Invincible here to shreds and when it gets tired, we jump in and kick its ass!” Bonnie looked at the hunter with annoyance.

“We don’t know if we CAN kick its ass, yet. Let’s just be patient and hope we get some sex… I MEAN results out of this!” Betty turned towards the lake to hide her blushing face.

A loud splash nearby caught the groups attention, as they moved in to investigate. A strange, green skinned, fish creature swam and frolicked about the pond, making quite a racket as it did so. The beast emitted a strange, clicking, squeaking noise as it cavorted.

“It seems to be some kind of water demon, how interesting.” Dr. Director pulled what appeared to be a small satellite dish out of her bag and sat it pointing towards the monster. Connecting the dish to a hand unit with a long, black cable, she placed a pair of headphones over her ears and listened intently.

“You’re supposed to be a demon, does that THING look familiar?” Bonnie grabbed Ted by his lapel and shook him.

“I’ve never seen that chick before, all the water we got back home is usually on fire.” Ted squinted at the sea creature.

“It’s female, are you sure?” Betty pulled the headphones away from her ears for a second.

“The boobs and crotch are a dead giveaway.” The imp motioned to the sea beast’s anatomy.

“Well, that explains the translation I’m getting.” Director looked down at the screen of her device and furrowed her brow.

“What are you doing, anyway?” Rockwaller peered over shoulder.

“This is a translation device. It converts the incomprehensible noises that most monstrous creatures make and compares it to our vast library of languages and displays the results in text, see?” She held up the do-hickey and pointed to the screen. “According to this, our sea-devil female is lonely… and horny.”

“Ew, I am not getting involved in this! You’ll find me in the van when you’re finished with your “research.” Rockwaller walked away in disgust, climbed back into the P.I.S.S.E.D. mobile and slammed the door.

“So what ARE you going to do, Miss B?” Ted rubbed the back of his head nervously and eyed the woman.

“Oh, you’re going to do plenty!” Dr. Director picked up Ted and tossed him into the lake. Hiding behind some bushes, she peered through the foliage and giggled in anticipation.

Ted stood there soaking wet and looking dejected. “You coulda asked me first, I would have just dove in.” Looking around, Keening turned back and yelled to the hunter. “I think she’s gone.” Suddenly, the imp was drug below the water and both he and the green creature emerged in a huge splash.

Dr. Director stared wide-eyed as the she-creature took Ted hungrily, making one hell of a racket in the process. Bonnie stormed out of the van an approached the lake, a look of rage in her eyes.

“I didn’t say you could fuck MY slave, fish slut!” Rockwaller dove into the pond and engaged in a fist fight with the sea creature, as they struggled for ownership of Ted, who both laughed AND screamed all the while.

Betty wore a huge, dirty smile as she watched. ‘This is SO hot!’

Keening stumbled out of the water to catch his breath, when Betty reached through the bushes and grabbed him. Dragging him back to her hiding place, she proceeded to ravage him even more viciously than the monster did.

“Oh gawd, Ted, take me… take me NOW!” The one-eyed hunter gave in to her twisted fetish and rocked Ted’s world. The bushes were shaking like the forest had been hit by an earthquake and the imp commenced screaming again.

The three “hunters” sat in the van on the way home looking like survivors from a squid attack, their clothes were ripped to shreds and were soaking wet.

“Well, it turns out the creature was just your standard mer-beast and not a demon. Still, the experience WAS quite satisfying!” Betty looked back at Ted and flashed him a smile.

“So THIS is what you DO for a living?” Bonnie looked at Dr. Director with amusement. “Did you encourage that Josh guy to get raped by monsters too?”

“Personally, I would rather be the one who was taken, but given the creatures gender, I think this was the correct course of action.” Betty glanced back and noticed Ted was holding a slip of paper and giving it a confused stare. “What do you have there, sweetie?”

“The monster wants me to join her friends list on her My Space page…”

Ron’s unconscious brain carried him to a magical place in his deranged imagination. The imp floated down a rainbow river on a graham cracker boat, surrounded by candy islands and marshmallow clouds, while singing fish regaled him with songs by Bryan Adams (yuk!). Strawberry Spongecake and Captain Munch stood on the shore and waved at the fellow.

“You never called me back, you asshole!” The little dessert girl shouted.

“When you see the blond again, grab her boobies, lad!” The Captain ordered.

“Yes sir!” Ron fired a salute and returned to reality.

He found himself in what appeared to be an expansive forest of pine trees. A loud voice suddenly filled the air, scaring the daylights out of the imp.

“Welcome to my enchanted forest, Ronnie! We’re gonna have some fun now!” Tara’s voice echoed over an intercom that rested on the branches of a nearby tree.

“What is this place?” Stoppable stood up and looked around. “Is this really your back yard?”

“Yep, after Bon-bon’s dad invented birth control chewing gum, her family made fat bank. So I blackmailed her with some pictures of her as a baby I stole from her parent’s house. I used the money to build this magical place, and you get to be the first guy to see it!” The girl cackled like a monster, making Ron shiver in his shoes.

“Uh, this is really neat and all, but I’m allergic to nature and stuff.” The boy peered around nervously and scratched the back of his head. “Can I go now?”

“Not until you meet your new friend, Mr. Bear!”

A loud rumbling noise filled the air as an animatronic bruin covered with bloody wounds and baring huge, drooling fangs appeared and started chasing the Stopper. The poor boy squealed in terror and ran for his life, as the beast nipped at his heels and shredded his clothes. As Ron turned to look at the bear giving up its pursuit, he ran face first into a tree and fell to the ground in a heap.

“Mr. Bear had to leave, but fortunately the happy squirrel family was there to keep the boy company.” Tara’s voice bounced off of the pines and brought the imp back to his senses.

A mass of furry rodents with red, glowing eyes surrounded the fallen moron and growled menacingly.

“Uh, hey guys, whassup?” Ron tried to play it cool, but failed.

The mass of squirrels swarmed the freckled victim and began chewing the shit out of him. Ron ran around like an idiot, waving his arms and screaming like a new born baby.

“Mr. Tumnus appeared and offered Ron a helping hand.” The blond giggled with all the joy of a mad I.R.S. agent.

A goat man jumped out of the bushes and began bashing the idiot with a club, being careful to avoid hitting the clutch of biting animals swarming around his head. Ron stumbled around blindly until he fell into a nearby river. The squirrels and the goat man gave up their assault and hurled obscenities at him from the shore, as Stoppable slowly floated away.

“Well, this is a little better.” Ron leaned back and let the current carry him downstream.

“Fisherman Ron was in luck, for this time of year, the fish were biting!”

“Uh… okay, I don’t like the sound of that.” The imp watched in horror as a school of piranha surrounded him and began ripping him to pieces.

The sound of horrid screams filled the air as a bloody skeleton climbed onto the shore and collapsed in a heap. Flesh and muscle grew back rapidly, as the Ron-ster begged for mercy.

“Little did the stupid boy know, but he had wandered into the lair of the infamous Horny Troll!” Tara squealed with delight as a lumbering monstrosity came into view.

A massive green humanoid with Don King hair and a huge dong shambled up to the steadily healing Stopper, its stained tank top read, “Call me a postman, cuz I’m shoving a letter in your male-box.”

“NOOOOOOO!” The Ron-man pleaded for mercy, as an arrow flew out of nowhere and buried itself in the Troll’s head, dropping it instantly.

Tara appeared, dressed as Robin Hood (in tights) carrying a longbow.

“The sexy ranger appeared and rescued the wimpy boy from a fate worse than dating Mike Tyson.” Tara Hood smiled at the whimpering sod and blew him a kiss.

“Please tell me this is over!”

“For her brilliant rescue, the helpless dumb ass gave himself to the sexy ranger, who proceeded to rape him savagely!” Tara fired a poisoned arrow at the imp, nailing him in the chest.

Ron opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell over. The horny ranger dragged the boy behind a tree, ripped his clothes off and proceeded to “burgle” his “Sherwood”.

“Well, young man, we need to burn this forest down…” Drew appeared and stepped towards the pair, only to jump back in revulsion. “Good LORD, I’ll come back when you’re not so… busy!”

The mad man hid behind a bush and cowered. “Horrible… so HORRIBLE!” The blue guy began to suck his thumb and shiver.

Rude-fus kicked open the front door and marched into the Possible house wearing a look of pure rage. The devil rat had spent the last few days dodging cops and hiding from the F.B.I. Jumping up onto the couch, the creature flipped on the television and sunk into the cushions to sleep.


A hellish sound caused the infernal rodent to jump up and peer around the room with a look of annoyed dismay. Rude-fus hopped off the furniture and walked into the kitchen, only to come face to face with George the Ram. The beast was eating magazines and newspapers amidst piles of broken furniture.

“Bleh!” Rude-fus chirped at the animal.

“Meh!” The goat answered back.

“BLEH!” The devil rat peeped louder.

“Mleh!” The sheep altered its cry to match the hell spawn.

Rude-fus scratched his tiny chin, as he put his evil brain to work. Looking at the ram with a wicked gleam, he led the creature out of the house and into the garage.

Moments later, the people milling about the streets of downtown Middleton were sent screaming in panic as a pink, muscular midget wearing a Viking helmet and dual wielding a baseball bat and a handgun came barreling at them riding on the back of a big horn sheep that was covered in make-shift barding and snorting smoke. The rampaging monsters began smashing property and beating the hell out of pedestrians as they ran amuck all over the city, causing local nut cases to declare that one of the Rider’s of the Apocalypse had arrived and the world was doomed.

News channels reported the story, which spread like wild fire all over the country. Policemen, F.B.I. agents and Susan Sarandon were everywhere, trying to catch sight of the now infamous, Pink Goatman of Middleton.

Our three mall walkers were now seated in a movie theatre, being bored to death by the latest rendition of “Same Crap, Different Day” by “Who Really Gives a Shit?” Monique had insisted on sitting in the lap of her new “friend with benefits”.

“Uh, ‘Nique, you’re kind of in my way… could you move, please?” Kim squirmed this way and that, trying to dislodge the groping hands of her new admirer.

“Sure, baby, you can touch it.” Moni nuzzled the redhead and tried planting a kiss on her.

“Shego, she’s not even listening to me anymore, what do I do?” Possible looked to her girlfriend with desperate eyes, trying in vain to escape the ebony love monster in her lap.

“Welcome to the club, Princess.” The devil finished her wine cooler and tossed the empty bottle at the head of the nearest member of the audience. “If you’d have just done this with her a week ago, she’d have gotten over you by now and focused her desperate need for affection on someone else.”

The groping Moni looked up at her pale paramour and fired an unexpected question. “Didn’t you use to save the world from super villains?”

Kim let out a depressed sigh and smiled at her molester. “Well, it’s kinda funny you should ask me that…”

The air around the three became fuzzy and out of focus, causing Monique to freak.

“What the hell is this?!” The panicked girl shook Possible with desperation.

“Relax, she’s having a flashback. Pay attention and we might just learn something.” Shego leaned back and propped her feet up on the seat in front of her.

(A week before the imps arrived at Kim’s house.)

The trademark beep of the Kimunicator brought Kim running into her room, her hair soaking wet and wearing only a bath towel; the girl had been in the middle of taking a shower.

“Hey Wade, what’s the ‘sitch?” Possible chimed in with her signature greeting.

The boy genius appeared on screen looking haggard and a bit unbalanced. “Kim, has anyone from the cracker industry tried to contact you?!”

“Uh, no… why?” The redhead looked at the screen with concern.

“I’ve stumbled onto a MAJOR conspiracy involving the Wheat-Muncher cracker company, Bigfoot, and the Saucer People. They’re draining the memories from dead celebrities and using them to take over Sweden!” The boy had big, dark circles under his eyes and he twitched in a disturbing manner.

“Uh,… Wade, you didn’t try messing with that mind control device we found in Dementor’s place, did you?” Kim stared in frantic disbelief.

“Just because it went haywire and blasted me in the forehead, knocking me out for several hours and untipping my brain chemistry, doesn’t mean that I’m not in serious danger here!” Wade became more agitated and started shaking. “These people are trying to kill me, Kim, kill ME!”

“Look, maybe you should just relax and, I don’t know, call a shrink… maybe?” She flashed him a frightened smile.

“This is HUGE, Kim, even my parents are involved! They’ve been replaced by replicants, who have been trying to breach my security for days now!” An alarm went off and a series of red lights began to flash, as Wade’s mom knocked on the door and tried to enter.

“Wade, sweetie, are you okay in there?” The woman struggled with the doorknob.

“I don’t understand, my still suit should have reflected their tracking devices, how did they find me?” The boy stepped away from his desk to reveal his “suit”, layer after layer of tin foil had been wrapped around him and topped off with a trash can lid for a hat. “They’ll never take me alive; I’ll get them with my incapacitation foam!” Wade grabbed a fire extinguisher and aimed it at the door. His mother stepped in and was greeted by a blast of chemicals, which was soon followed by a lot of screaming and yelling.

“Uh, Wade… hello?!” Kim grimaced as she watched the spectacle.

“The foam failed, I have no choice but to flood the room and hide out in the crawl space!” The tin foil-boy set off the sprinkler system and dove into a hole in the floor. Everything in the room was drenched, and Wade watched through a tiny window on the wall. “Don’t worry, Kim, once it’s all over, you and I can repopulate the world, as long as the oxygen in here doesn’t run out!” The line suddenly went dead.

“Oh…. Boy… uh… Damn…” The girl shoved the device into her dresser and walked away, whistling nervously.

(And now, back to the present…sort of…)

The swirlyness in the air went away and Monique stared at Kim with confusion. “So, the boy went crazy?”

“Yeah, he’s in an institution now, but I hear he’s stopped convulsing and is actually holding down solid food again!” Kim gave the girl an embarrassed look.

“So I guess your world saving gig is shot?” Shego yawned with boredom and began kicking the guy in the seat in front of her.

“Sadly, yes, but I’m sure I’ll get back on the horse someday… I hope.” The redhead visibly sagged and frowned.

“Girl, I’m gonna be there for you night and day, until you get your groove back!” The groping fan squeezed the redhead until she yelped in pain.

“She… go… HELP!!” Possible gasped for air and extended her hand towards the Empusa, begging for help.

“I got problems of my own, kiddo!” The devil woman was also trying to extricate some excess baggage in the form of the obsessed Yori who had lunged from the shadows and was now trying to unzip her jumpsuit. “Gawd, this is worse than riding the New York Metro!”

Betty had recommended that the hunters return to her house, rather than Possible’s, which as of late seemed to be an attractant for weirdness. The two women ordered Ted to take a seat in the living room and both of them disappeared upstairs. The imp wandered around the place poking his nose into everything. Between leafing through her magazines and setting up her Rummle figurines into battle positions, Keening made a nuisance of himself to pass the time.

“Man, did those two forget about me?” Ted looked at the floor, feeling dejected.

Bonnie’s voice suddenly broke the silence. “Fun time, FROOB!” Before he could turn to face her, the man felt a massive pain in his side and everything went black.

When he finally came to, he found himself tied to Betty’s bed, wearing only his boxers.

“I thought you guys ditched me.” Ted looked towards the bathroom, as he could hear the ladies voices from within.

Betty and Bonnie walked into the room dressed as devils; a stun gun was visible in Rockwaller’s grip.

“Hell no, we just needed time to prepare!” The tanned temptress stood next to him and petted him on the head. “I’m going to give our hunter friend here a crash course in femme-dom, you game… dork?”

“Yes Mistress!” Ted giggled like a fiend.

Dr. Director lugged a huge trunk into the room and dropped it on the floor with a loud “thud”.

“Uh, what’s in the trunk?” The bound boy questioned.

“Well, Teddy dear, if you have a weakness… we’re going to find it.” The woman with the eye patch held up a platinum lance and polished it.

“You know, I’ve got a bit of a weakness for oral sex!” He joked.

“Good, I’ll start with that!” Bonnie jumped on the bed and sat on his face, shutting him up.

“I think he meant “receiving” it…” Betty chuckled at her new teacher.

“Like hell he did, now give me that nail gun, it’s time for class!”

“Oh my…”

Members of the National Guard surrounded a large crate containing the recently apprehended George and Rufus, who were eventually captured after they both got drunk and passed out. Anne Possible and her cronies arrived with a large storage vehicle that had been painted to read, “New Department of Animal Control.”

“Well, ma’am, this is the creature.” The soldier in charge of the containment looked over his paperwork and rubbed his forehead in thought. “I had no idea that you guys handled this sort of thing.”

The redhead had disguised herself and her henchmen as members of the aforementioned public service department in hopes of acquiring the monster that had been plastered all over the news.

“Well, the Department of Homeland Security gave us a big upgrade after Michael Richards pulled his little “outburst”.” Anne smiled sweetly at the gentleman as her helpers loaded the sleeping creeps into the truck. “Not to worry, we’ll have these two sedated and busting tables at Denny’s in no time!”

Climbing into the cab, the Surgeon nodded to Wendy, who threw the vehicle into gear and drove off.

“So, what are we gonna do with these… things?” The perky secretary smiled at her boss.

“If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll help us with our D.N.A. problem.” The woman rubbed her chin and frowned. “If that doesn’t work, we can at least drug them up with steroids and race them at Dover Downs.”

End Chapter Five…

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