Horny Lil' Devils: Extended!

Chapter Three

Ya Can’t Spell “Pimp” Without “Imp”…


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TITLE: Ya Can’t Spell “Pimp” Without “Imp”…

AUTHOR: Chaosengine

DISCLAIMER: Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.

SUMMARY: Ron and his buddy are imps from Hell who are sent to torment Kim.

TYPE: Undefinable

RATING: US: R / DE: 16

WARNING: The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you’re probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people’s property. You have been warned.

Words: 7681

Kim sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of K-Fed cereal (unemployment check in every box!) and daydreaming about her new lover. Every man she ever relied on had dropped the ball, BIG time. Her first kiss had messed up her braces when she was little, Brick Flagg waited until their second date to tell her he was joining the clergy, her tech buddy Wade vanished, and worst of all, her father had the audacity to up and die… on her birthday no less! All of that was over now; she had a strong, beautiful woman to share her life with, one that was as tough as she was and sharp as a tack to boot. The redhead sighed out loud and returned to her breakfast.

A loud, repetitive “thumping” noise caught Possible’s attention as Shego lumbered into the room wearing Ron’s clothes. Problem was, Ron was STILL in them. The boy’s face was shoved between her shoulder blades and his arms and legs were pinned in place; her evil strength allowed her to walk and move around, but he could only hang there and complain.

“Mornin,’ kitten!” The raven haired beauty gave the girl a peck on the cheek and sat down to read the paper as though everything were normal.

“Uh, Shego…” Kim stared in shock at the woman. “What are you doing?”

“Mr. Firebug burned my jumpsuit, so now I’m wearing HIS clothes as punishment!” Shego turned her head to sneer at the imp, who smiled awkwardly and started to whistle.

“You could have taken them off of him first!” Kim was visibly upset.

“Sweetie, he wouldn’t be LEARNING anything if I did that.” Shego tossed a wink at the jealous girl.

“Your butt and his crotch are… well… TOUCHING!” Kim’s face turned as red as her hair.

“Oh, he’s been KNOCKING all morning, but I ain’t lettin’ him IN!” Shego looked back at him again with a sly smirk.

“EW, take that… that… MAN off immediately!” Kim jumped up and pointed an angry digit at Ron.

Shego sighed out loud and frowned at her new admirer. “Princess, just because you’ve discovered you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you have to be a man-hater too. Besides, Ron isn’t a man, he’s a meat puppet!”

“I am?!”

“That’s right, I OWN both of you imp-tards and I can do whatever I want to you!” Shego looked at the girl across the table. “I’ll let you do whatever you want to them too, if you ask REAL nice.”

“DOUBLE EW, I don’t want anything to do with those two scumbags! I demand you have them recycled or something and don’t let them touch you anymore!” Kim put her hands on her hips and scowled at Shego.

“Pumpkin, you humans and your sexuality labels are really a drag. I do who I want, when I want, and HOW I want, and if you wanna be my girlfriend, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with that.” Shego picked up a butter knife and started stabbing Ron in his legs.

Kim threw up her hands, roared in anger, and stormed out of the room, leaving Ron and Shego alone.

“Wow, she gets pissed a lot, huh?” Ron looked at his “owner” with concern.

“Yeah, she’s cute when she’s irate.” Shego shot the Ron-ster a sly smile and adjusted her hips slightly.

“HEY, you said you WEREN’T gonna…” The imp’s face turned to a shocked expression.

“I lied!”

Ted lay face down on Anne’s bed, naked, while the beautiful, older woman drew pictures on his back with lipstick. She put the finishing touches on a drawing of the planet with a big mushroom cloud coming out of it. The Brain Surgeon giggled to herself as she made a “kaboom” noise to go along with her “masterpiece”.

“What did you draw?” Ted chirped.

“Just a duckie, sweetie.” Anne patted him on the head.

“Heh, duckie…” Ted rolled over and looked up at the woman. “Don’t wanna be nosy, but why did you draw all that “goop” from me with those syringes?”

“Oh, I’m a doctor; it’s kind of a fetish.” Anne snickered as she lied to the man.

“Wait, you’re not going to DRINK it or anything are you?!” Ted stared at her in amazement.

“Of course not sweetie, they just remind me of medical school.”

Ted looked over at the pictures that adorned the woman’s nightstand. “So, your husband was eaten by an elephant?”

“No, he was raped by a walrus.” Anne stated matter-of-factly.

“Do you miss him?”

“Sometimes, but things weren’t going well towards the end.” The redhead started applying the lipstick to Ted’s face.

“Was he flaccid?” Ted asked with rude amusement.

“No, I turned evil and it created a rift in our marriage.” Anne traced little circles around Keening’s eyes and nose in “Passion Pink”.

“Evil?! You?! No way!” Ted snatched the lipstick out of her hand and started eating it.

“It’s true; a meteorite fell through the roof of Kimmie’s high school while I was giving a guest lecture on general health. It kind of scrambled our brain chemistry, that’s why Kim is so… aggressive now.” The “evil” woman picked up the empty lipstick case and tossed it in the trash. “Poor James was a moral guy and objected to my plans for world domination, so I killed him… I MEAN… the WALRUS killed him, and now I’m all by my lonesome.”

“Not to worry, Doc, I can help! That is IF Shego will let me…” Ted frowned at the thought of defying the devil-lady. The woman could think up tortures that would make watching Jamie Kennedy seem like a birthday party.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Anne lay down on top of the imp and buried his face in her… uh… “airbags”. “In the meantime, keep our little “evil” conversation a secret, Kimberly wouldn’t understand.”

Ted mumbled something, but his voice was muffled by her “Twin Peaks”.

“I’ll take that as an okay.” The elder Possible laughed out loud.

There was no WAY in HELL Kim was sharing her Shego with those two brain dead losers. Grabbing her mother’s laptop, the college girl hid in her closet and logged on to find a solution to her current problem.

“Hey, mom has an auction bookmarked. Should I be nosy and take a peek?” Kim looked around suspiciously. “Nosy it is!”

A screen popped up displaying the item information and bidding results. Possible nearly fainted when she read the details.

“Someone’s bidding fifteen-hundred bucks for my UNDERWEAR!? What kind of sick WEIRDO would do that?!”

At exactly the same time, a bearded man wearing a red wig and mission clothes sat in front of his comp with his fingers crossed.

“Gotta win, gotta win, gotta win!” The sick-o looked over at the N.P.S. delivery man he had gagged and tied to a chair. The poor fellow had the word “anything” written in black marker on his chest and face. “I promise I’ll get rush delivery!”

The hostage peered at the man with disgust.

“DON”T LOOK AT ME!” The fake Kim punched the delivery man in the face.

The real Kim clicked on a search engine and typed in pest removal.

“Here we go…”

A few hours later, Kim stood in a phone booth not far from her home, dialing the number she found on the internet. Trying to keep her plan a secret, the redhead chose to make the call away from sneaky ears, just in case the person in question could really do the job. It rang for a few seconds, and then a woman’s voice answered.

“This is Miss B, what’s the password?”

“Uh, Diablo, I think…” Kim answered, unsure of her response.

“Excellent, what’s the nature of the disturbance?” The voice continued.

“Two imps are living in my house; I want them removed as SOON as possible!” Possible nearly shouted the request.

“Understood, give me the address and I should be there in a few hours.” Miss B stated in a serious tone. “You DO have the down payment, right?”

“Yes, just get over here as fast as you can, it’s an emergency!” Kim gave the strange woman all the info she needed and hung up the phone. Walking casually out of the booth, Possible hopped in her car and headed home.

‘Now, we’ll see who has the last laugh THIS time!’ Kim sneered maniacally as she contemplated the plan she had set into motion. ‘Maybe now I can get my girlfriend back.’

Anne Possible sat in her “Chamber of Evil” to monitor her many wicked schemes, which included the National Shoplifting Campaign, the Intercontinental Tax Fraud Plot and investing money in Harlan Williams’ career. Pressing a button on her intercom, the Surgeon summoned her personal assistant.

“Wendy, could you send those D.N.A. samples I collected down to the lab?”

“Yes ma’am, do you want your bagel and coffee?” A cute little voice chirped back through the speaker.

“Please and thank you!” Anne reclined in her chair and envisioned her army of loyal, unkillable, henchman with a big smile. “Maybe I’ll order them to destroy Kevin Costner, I hate him SO much!”

Ted and Monique sat at the kitchen table in the Possible house, playing a game of trivia.

“Name the actress that exposed herself in the movie “Showgirls”!” The beautiful ebony girl gave the imp a smirk and eyed him carefully.

“Paul Reubens?” Ted spouted in a sarcastic tone.

“Ew, that’s not even close!” Monique looked him in the face and smiled. “You’re losing on purpose!”

Ted gave her a sneaky grin. “So?”

The girl smiled back and pointed under the table. “You know what you gotta do now!”

“Yes ma’am!” Ted climbed under the table and a few seconds later Monique jumped slightly and suddenly looked relaxed.

Reaching her hand down between her legs, she gently ran her fingers through Keening’s hair. “Last I checked, this makes the score six to zip.”

Outside, Ron was playing a game of a different sort. The boy had been tied to a tree by a leash, while Shego stood a few feet away holding a large sketch pad. The she-devil was drawing something and using him as a reference.

Bonnie sat on a lawn chair nearby, looking bored. “Are you finished yet?”

“I got it, I got it… there, what is he?” Shego held up the paper to display the image of a reptilian creature stomping on buildings and breathing fire. The monster looked just like Ron.

“Uh… Ron-zilla!” Bonnie spouted expectantly.

“Bah, that was too easy!” The She-ster balled up the picture and tossed it in the trash.

“Meeeow!” Tara, crawling on all fours, was dressed like a cat, complete with ears and tail. She curled around the imps legs and pawed at his pants. “Pet me, Ronnie!”

“Uh, I’m not really in the mood.” Ron slouched and started to pout.

“I said… PET ME!” Tara growled and hissed at the boy, while tugging harder on his clothes.

“Ya better listen to her, Stoppable; she gets serious when she’s playin’ dress up!” Bonnie smiled in mockery as she watched the imp squirm.

“Can I go now, I’m bored!” Ron crossed his arms and frowned.

An ear piercing shriek split the air as Ron’s clothes were shredded to pieces. The boy yelped in terror as Tara pounced and tore into him, tiger style.

“REAL CLAWS, HELP… HEEELLPPP!” The Ron-ster tried to run, only to get choked by his leash and sent sprawling to the ground, where Tara-cat continued to rip him up.

“This is kinda hot!” Bonnie stood up and watched with perverted amusement.

“Eh, been there, done that.” Shego yawned and popped the top off of a wine cooler.

Tara eventually calmed down and started licking Stoppable’s face as he lay there torn up and bleeding. “I wuv you Ronnie!”

“Jeez, I hate to see what she does when she HATES somebody.” Shego looked at Rockwaller with a sarcastic glance.

“You end up like that Felix guy, chucked into a cement mixer and poured into the foundation of the new Middleton Football Stadium.” Bon-bon flashed an evil sneer.


“Well, well, well… now that you’re finished with your little sex-capade, Ron Jeremy, maybe we can get back to work!” Drew stood looking down on the shredded imp with disgust.

“Hey, I burned Shego’s clothes like you told me, and I got in trouble… AGAIN!” Ron stood up and dusted himself off. “Of course, she DID do that thing with her butt…”

“SILENCE, now set fire to this tree!” Drew pointed to the oak with authority.

Tara yawned and looked up at her scratching post with concern. “Ronnie, who are you talking to?”

“Shego will get mad at me again!” Ron crossed his arms and turned away childishly.

“Forget her; this is your promotion we’re talking about! You can’t let something as insignificant as “pain” stand in your way!” Drew leaned over his shoulder and whispered. “Unless you’re a chicken?”

“I’m not a chicken, well… I was yesterday for awhile, but not today!” Ron checked his shredded pockets and turned to Drew in shame. “I don’t have my lighter or any matches!”

Tara watched Ron having a conversation with himself and started to laugh. “Neat!”

“Blast, I guess we’ll have to improvise.” Drew rubbed his chin in contemplation and looked around the yard. His eyes settled on the she-devil and he broke into an evil grin. Leaning over to Stoppable, he whispered into his ear.

“I can’t say that, she’ll kill me!” Ron stared at the man with wide eyes.

“Just DO it!” The blue-skinned madman ordered back.

Ronald let out a sigh of defeat. “Shego, your butt looks like Ed Asner’s.”

“WHAT?!” Shego snarled, turned around, and fired a shot at Ron. The imp ducked at the last minute, causing the green bolt to hit the tree and burn a huge chunk out of it.

The tree groaned, shuddered, and fell down, dragging the Stopper with it. The leash swung him around and snapped, sending the idiot sailing through the air. Slamming into the side of Kim’s house, Ron slid down the wall and landed in a heap next to Rockwaller.

“Ronnie, you’re hilarious!” Tara giggled in a sweet, yet, disturbing way.

Drew just stood there laughing his ass off.

“Nice trick, froob, for that you’ve earned alone time in the garage with yours truly!”

The brunette grabbed the back of his shredded shirt and dragged him into the garage. Closing the door behind her, she turned and stared at him with the eyes of a hungry wolf.

“I found something in my trunk of torture I haven’t used in a while; consider yourself lucky!” Sliding her pants off, Bonnie sported a tight leather thong covered with big spikes. Climbing onto Stoppable’s lap, she began grinding herself into his crotch, pushing the spiked undergarment into his “package”.

“Ow… ow… ow…OW!” Ron whined with increased intensity, the pain becoming unbearable.

“So, do you like it, bitch?” Bonnie put her hands on Ron’s shoulders and dug her nails into him.

“NO!” The freckled boy shouted, his face beet red and eyes practically rolling back in his head.

Bonnie stopped and pressed her angry face into his and growled. “What did you SAY?!”

“Uh, I mean… uh…” Ron swallowed hard and smiled nervously.

“Say what I taught you to say, NOW!” Rockwaller put her hands on her hips and shot daggers at the blond.

Ron cleared his throat and reluctantly answered. “It feels so good, and wearing it makes you look thinner, my queen.”

“Good boy!” Bonnie leaned in and stuck her tongue down the boys throat, after a few seconds, she leaned back and smiled evilly. “Once the girls and I have our group wedding with you and your buddy, I can take off the kiddy gloves and get down to some REAL pain!”

“Married?!” Rob gasped in shock and immediately panicked. “Oh gawd, HELP!” The imp turned into a gopher and slipped his bonds, dodging past the crazy girl, he ran into the yard looking for a place to hide. A blast of green energy caught him off guard and sent him rolling into the side of the house. Now unconscious, he regained his boy form and laid there in a heap.

“Ok, games are over!” Shego blew a wisp of green smoke from her finger and approached her target. “Let’s haul him upstairs and take turns with him until we pass out!”

“It’s about time!” Tara walked up and grabbed Ron under his arms and proceeded to drag him away.

Kim’s convertible pulled into the driveway and the redhead leapt out and approached the house. Rounding the corner, she got sight of the cute blond dragging Stoppable towards the back door.

“What happened this time, did he drink the stuff under the sink again?” Possible rolled her eyes and frowned.

“He got mauled by a tree” Shego wrapped her arms around the redhead, causing her to blush. “You trying to give me the slip?”

“No, I just had some things to do.” Kim looked over at the unconscious Stoppable. “Where are you taking… him?”

“Upstairs to molest him, you in?” The devil gave her squeeze an evil smile.

“Shego, I can’t stand the idea of you… touching those two.” Kim opened her eyes as wide as she could and made her lower lip tremble, turning the “puppy dog pout” on full force.

“Ah dammit, alright cat-girl, it looks like the jerk is all yours.” Shego sighed and looked down at the pouting princess. “I’m not gonna cave in so easy next time.”

“Hooray!” Tara disappeared into the house with Ron, leaving the couple to talk.

“Thanks, you’re the best.” Kim nuzzled her face into the woman’s chest.

“Oh look, Miss Perfect has found someone to replace us already!” Rockwaller crossed her arms and frowned at the two.

“Bonnie, I’m not replacing you. This really isn’t the time…” Kim looked around nervously as panic began to set in.

“Replace you, what’s goin’ on here?” Shego looked at the redhead with peaked curiosity.

“She didn’t mean that, right Bonnie?!” Possible clenched her teeth and shot daggers at Bon-bon.

“Oh yes, I did! You’re not the first girl she’s tried this on!” Rockwaller sneered with animosity.

“Really?!” The evil woman chuckled and began groping Possible. “Somebody’s NOT so innocent after all!”

“Bonnie, Shego and I are in love! That’s something YOU wouldn’t understand!” Kim was starting to get angry.

“This again?!” The brunette put her hands on her hips and scowled. “You told Tara you loved her just after graduation, you told ‘Nique you loved her after you got your new car, and you said the same thing to me after my oldest sister got her sex change.”

“Bonnie… DON’T…” At this point, Kim was as red as a beat.

“Wow, my little Kimmie is just FULL of love!” Shego looked like the cat that caught the canary.

“Kim got all weird after her dad got eaten by that hippo, and now she avoids us.” Rockwaller turned away in disgust. “She’s too good for us now!”

“BONNIE…” The young redhead tried to rush the blabber mouth, but was quickly restrained.

“Alright, enough is enough; I think this chick and I need to talk. YOU stay out here and calm down; I lost my appetite for cat fights years ago.” Shego picked up Kim and set her a few feet away. “Alright Rockmaster, in the house.”

“Rockwaller!” Bonnie corrected the devil.


A beat-red Kim watched the two disappear inside, her jealousy raging out of control. “That DAMN Bonnie is trying to break us up, I just know it!”

Ted carried Monique upstairs, his right arm against her back and his left arm under her legs, with the order that if she touched the ground, his ass would be grass. Pushing open the door to Anne’s room, the two were stopped dead in their tracks by the sight of Tara and Ron. The blond had set the unconscious boy in front of Mother Possible’s vanity and was proceeding to apply makeup all over his face.

“Isn’t he GORGEOUS?!” Tara flashed a huge smile and turned the chair around to show the new Ron. The poor boy was painted up like a psychotic clown.

Ted tossed ‘Nique onto the bed and burst out laughing; he laughed so hard that he doubled over and fell on the floor, tears streaming down his face.

Ron slowly came to and picked up on the cacophony immediately.

“What’s so funny?” Stoppable shook his head to clear away the dizziness and stared about the room in a confused panic.

Tara stuck a mirror in front of him and blew him a kiss. “Oooh la la!”

Shego and Bonnie heard a massive scream from all the way down in the kitchen, followed by a thumping and a loud crash. Ron had freaked out and tried to escape, only to trip and roll down the stairs. Lying in a heap at the bottom, Ron groaned and tried to pick himself up, only to have his pants drop.

“Aw man!” He exclaimed in depressed shock.

Tara turned the makeup kit towards Ted and put on an innocent, yet evil, stare. “Your turn, Teddy-boy!”

“Aw, hell NO, I ain’t dealin’ with no Tammy Fae Baker up in here!” Monique jumped to Keening’s defense. “You take that Bozo the Clown crap and use it on somebody else!”

“Oh poopie!” Tara slumped her shoulders and pouted. “No fair!”

“Wow, thanks for the save!” Ted moved to hug the ebony dominant, but was pushed away.

“You DROPPED me, so now you gotta pay, BOY!” Monique pulled out a pair of brass knuckles with hearts on them. “Don’t worry, I’ll avoid the face.”

A black mini-van pulled into the driveway going about fifty miles an hour, its brakes kicked up a cloud of dust. The driver’s side door opened and a woman with short, brown hair and an eye patch climbed out. Wearing a black jumpsuit, the lady opened the side door and tapped her foot impatiently.

“Let’s go Josh; we’re on the clock here.”

A handsome young man, appeared, carrying a huge duffel bag with great difficulty. He had blue eyes, and judging by his eyebrows, brown hair that had been frosted blond and spiked.

“Do I have to wear that costume this time?” The boy Josh asked, looking somewhat annoyed.

“NO, and never mention the costume outside of the base!” Turning her angry look back to a neutral one, the attractive lady walked over to Kim and introduced herself. “I am Betty Director, professional demon hunter, how do you do?”

“Thank gawd you’re here, these “things” have been driving me CRAZY!” The redhead shook her hand vigorously and motioned for the woman to follow.

“Come Josh; bring the equipment, and no dilly-dallying!” Betty turned and walked after Possible, leaving the boy to haul a boat load of heavy bags by himself.

“Oh yeah, this is SO much better than going to art school!” Josh groaned and grunted under the excessive weight.

Walking into the house, the two found Bonnie and Shego talking gossip at the kitchen table.

“Aaar me harty, is this here buccaneer out to smuggle your booty?” Shego spat the insult with extra venom.

“Uh, she’s a special consultant, here to help with some of our “problems.” Kim smiled awkwardly and motioned for the two gossipers to clear the table.

“Fine.” Shego grabbed Bonnie and hauled her away, leaving Kim and the “pirate” alone.

“Now, Miss Possible, let’s get down to business. I’ll need to ask you a few questions, some of which might be a bit personal, but please, bear with me.” Betty Director opened up a small notepad and pulled a pencil from its pages. “Now, how many times have the entities had their way with you?”

“Let’s see…” Kim thought hard and suddenly looked at the woman with surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“How do I put this?” The woman pinched her chin in contemplation. “Forced themselves upon you, uh… boned you, corn holed you, explored your happy fun cave…”

“Ew, they haven’t done anything like that to me! Who said they did?” Kim stared at the woman with a mix of shock and disgust.

“Often times, demonic entities come to this plane to copulate with human females. Apparently it’s one of their primary interests.” The demon hunter made the statement with a straight face.

Shego poked her head through the doorway and interrupted. “She’s been molested at least once, that I know of!”

“At least once…” Betty scrawled the answer down and continued. “Did they take turns or was it a bum rush?”

“This is just SICK and WRONG, aren’t you supposed to be getting RID of them?” Kim balled her fists and ground her teeth together. “It sounds more like your writing a letter to a porn magazine!”

“Miss Possible, I think I know a little something about demons, I AM the hunter, after all!” Director cleared her throat and continued. “Being hungrily taken by several monsters MIGHT seem terrible and satisfying, but it’s important to document the events… for… uh… research.”

Possible’s face contorted into an awkweird expression. “Uh, okay, look… just please, PLEASE get them out of here! I’ll pay anything!”

Closing the notepad with disappointment, Betty Director sighed and stood up. “Very well, I’ll see what I can do. I’ll need you to stay clear, just in case things become nasty. If things DO take a turn for the worse and they begin gang raping me, PLEASE, let them finish. It’s better to let them get it out of their system, makes them easier to deal with.”

“Good gawd, what kind of professional ARE you?” Possible shook her head and prepared for the inevitable mess this was going to turn into.

“Don’t worry, she hasn’t actually been mass poked by gremlins, but she’s got a real good feeling about this one!” Josh informed Kim with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Pulling a strange handheld device out of one of Josh’s bags, the woman began walking around the house, taking readings and ordering the boy to write down her findings.

All of the guests and occupants of the house were gathered on the couch in the living room to watch the professionals at work. Shego sat on Ted’s lap and had Ron sitting in hers. The woman’s hand and arm were shoved up the back of Stoppable’s shirt, as she made him pretend to be a puppet.

“Hi, I’m Ron and I like my boss sooo much, that I’m willing to let her shove a pool cue up my…”

Tara interrupted by shoving a glass of liquid into Ron’s face. “Make him sing while he drinks this glass of bleach!”

“Good idea, so how about it?” She flashed a wicked smile at her lil friend.

“No way!” Ron jumped off her knee and kept his distance. “I’m starting to think you girls don’t like me at all!”

“Aw, you poor thing… I’ll tell you what, how about I give you “puff-puff” to prove how much we like you?” Shego crossed her arms and flashed him a toothy smile.

“Uh, what’s “puff-puff”?” The boy gave her a look of doubt.

Without saying a word, Shego pulled her shirt up and grabbed Ron by the back of his head. In one swift motion, she shoved his face between her breasts and pulled her shirt down over him. Dragging him back to the couch, she pressed her tits against his head and started rubbing them in a circle. The boy went completely limp and just sat there.

“So, ya still think I don’t like you?” The devil-girl asked, trying to keep from laughing.

“Nuh uh…” Ron mumbled from the valley.

“Well, I’ve done a search of the whole house, and I’ve concluded my evaluation.” Betty Director looked at Kim with a serious face.

“And?” Possible raised an eyebrow in anticipation.

“This house has no demonic presence in it, WHATSOEVER!” Betty looked at Kim with disdain. “We at P.I.S.S.E.D. don’t appreciate having our precious time wasted, Miss Possible!”

“Who?” Bonnie asked, with a look of sarcastic annoyance.

“Paranormal Invasion Solution Society Enforcement Division, we’re still just starting out, but we hope to have more members by next year.” Josh looked at the collection of hot chicks and flashed a cute smile.

“NO DEMONS, they’re sitting right THERE!” Kim pointed to the collective on the couch. “The dork, and the guy with bad hair, they’ve been here the WHOLE time!”

“SERIOUSLY?!” Betty blinked with amazement. “They must have found a way to mask themselves from my detector! Josh, give me the tranquilizer gun!”

“Sure, boss!” Mankey rummaged through the bag and tossed the woman an elephant rifle. “Loaded and ready!”

Shego pulled Stoppable out of “paradise” and tossed him on the floor, his face awash with drowsy joy. “Whoa, lady, I surrender! Those two, however, won’t go down without a fight!” She pointed to Ted and Ron and continued. “With what I’ve heard, they’re both hung like circus animals.”

“Well, then, it looks like I’ve hit the jackpot!” Betty cocked the rifle and pointed it at Ron. “Time to play tag, gentlemen!”

“Oh crap, time to go!” Ted grabbed Ron and took off, heading up the stairs, the two of them screamed in a mad panic.

Betty frowned and gave pursuit. “I didn’t say you could escape!”

Josh turned to run after his boss, but found himself cutoff.

“Where do you think YOU”RE going, handsome?” Bonnie and the Bondage Girls surrounded the man with looks of hunger in their glittering eyes.

Josh shuddered and shrunk slightly in there intimidating presence. “Uh, eheh… can we get to know each other first?”

“NOPE!” Shego grabbed the boy and flung him over her shoulder. “C’mon, girls, it’s Man-wich time!”

“Help, BOSS, help ME!” Josh struggled in vain, as he was carried away to be molested by the Four Babes of Doom.

“Invincible imp clones, that’s the DUMBEST idea…” The whining henchman was stopped dead in his tracks by the Brain Surgeon’s “finger”.

As the smoldering idiot slid to the floor, Anne sighed with disappointment. “Do I have anymore qualified employees for my second-in-command position?”

“No ma’am, the last two are still in the burn ward.” Wendy trembled slightly in her leader’s presence.

“Well, I guess I’m going to have to turn to the international villain registry then.” Typing away, the gorgeous arch-villain smiled as she spotted a candidate with potential. “Devil worshipper with ninja training AND typing skills, she’s perfect! We’ll just send her a salary offer and hope she’s non-union.”

“Should I prepare a congratulatory fruit basket?” The assistant peered over her shoulder.

“Oooh, that sounds great.” Rubbing her chin, Anne turned to Wendy with a cute smile. “Include a complimentary handgun and interrogation kit; I wanna make a good first impression.”

“YES SIR… I mean… ma’am!”

The two imps scrambled up the attic steps and closed the trap door behind them. Sitting on top of it, the two took the opportunity to catch their breath.

“Why does this stuff always happen to us?” Ron looked at Ted with sad eyes.

“I guess we’re just lucky that way.” Ted smiled back and then frowned.

A tiny beam of red light shot up through the attic door and slowly began to cut a circle in the wood. With a shout and a scream, the two men jumped up and ran to the farthest side of the room. The laser made a complete pass and the door fell downward, revealing a perfectly round hole. The woman with the eye patch climbed into the attic and pointed her rifle at the cowering duo.

“End of the line!” The woman peered through the scope and was ready to fire, when she suddenly looked shocked and lowered her gun in mock confusion. “What’s this, my gun… is it jammed? Oh no, now I’m helpless up here with these creatures!”

“Uh, what the heck is she doing?” Ron looked at the woman with a raised eyebrow.

“Ya got me…” Ted squinted at the brunette and scratched his head.

Betty Director looked up at the two imps and cleared her throat. “Aren’t the two of you supposed to be doing something?”

“Uh, like what… for example?” Ron crossed his arms and shot her an annoyed look.

“We’re alone, in an attic, my gun is jammed, and I’m a woman…” Director looked at the two with impatience. “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?”

“Uh, suggesting you bring TWO guns next time?” Ted rubbed the back of his head and leered at Ron. “This chick is weird.”

“Oh, for gawds sake, you’re supposed to be ravaging me, it’s what demons do, remember?!” Betty put her hands on her hips and leaned towards them with conviction. “I know I’m not dressed like a school girl, but at least put forth some effort!”

“Uh, what are you talking about?” Ron looked at the woman like she just sprouted another head. “Around here, it’s usually the two of US who get ravaged!”

“Fine, have it YOUR way then.” Betty raised the rifle quickly and shot both of them with tranq darts. The two glanced at each other and suddenly passed out, hitting the floor with a simultaneously “thud”. Dragging them downstairs, she stopped long enough to report to Possible with the success of her mission.

“I have the entities with me and I’m taking them back to our headquarters for sex… I MEAN interrogation… interrogation, in case they plan a full scale invasion, or something!” She blushed slightly, but quickly recovered.

“Whatever, just go already!” Kim waved the lady out.

The demon hunter called over her shoulder. “Oh, and if Josh turns up, put him in a cab and send him back!”

“Where the hell is that guy, anyway?” Kim looked around and shrugged.

Down in the Possible’s basement, Josh Mankey had been tied to an ironing board and painted up like a girl. A hair dryer had been turned on and shoved down the front of his pants, while Tara walked around hooking clothes pins all over his body.

“Um, I’m not really getting anything out of this…” Beads of sweat rolled down his face. “Maybe I could go and, I dunno, FIND some other guys who are into this?”

“SILENCE, worm!” Bonnie clamped a clothes pin over his mouth. “What do you say, ‘Nique, would our man here look good with a Prince Albert?”

“I say…” The girl considered it for a moment. “Sure, why not?”

The sound of muffled screaming issued through the floor, causing Possible’s skin to crawl. “I… don’t want to know!”

Anne Possible walked through the door and gave her daughter a hug.

“Hi sweetie, how was your day?”

“Not bad, I guess.” Kim looked at her mother with a sad face.

“What’s the matter, Kim dear, you look a little down.” Anne put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders and looked her in the eyes.

“Mom, I finally got rid of those two monsters, but now I feel kinda… funny.” The young redhead rolled her eyes and shrugged.

‘Got rid of them, this won’t do! I’m going to have to pull a little psychological manipulation to fix this.’ Anne frowned and hugged her little girl. “You wanna talk about it?”

The two walked into the living room, and despite the blood curdling screams issuing from the basement, proceeded to have a serious chat.

“What exactly are you feeling, honey?” Anne crossed her arms patiently and waited for her daughter to answer.

“Well, I’m feeling… kinda… like I LOST something. It feels so weird…” Kim looked at her mother with a futile smile, the gesture wasn’t fooling anyone.

“I think I understand, dear.” Anne smiled slightly and continued. “When your daddy died, you blamed yourself for not being able to save him. This in turn, made you more angry and unstable. When Ron and Ted first showed up, you killed them, didn’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Kim answered flatly.

“It made you feel better, didn’t it?” Anne focused an inquisitive gaze at the girl.

“A little…”

“When you found out that they couldn’t die and that they didn’t even seem all that affected by it, you felt even better, didn’t you?” The brain surgeon fired more questions.

“I felt A LOT better, yes!” Kim felt a smile breaking through.

“You see, those horny imps became a positive focus for your pent-up rage. Despite how much they annoyed you, having something to take your bloodlust out on without building up any guilt became a form of therapy for you. That is, until you got rid of them.” She added the last statement to prove her point.

“Gawd dammit, so your saying I NEED those two to keep from becoming an angry basket case?” Kim looked as though her dog just died.

“I’m afraid so, dear.” Anne closed her eyes and sighed. “It looks like you’ll have to go get them back.”

“When did my life become SO fucked up?!” Kim stood up and groaned with disgust.

“It was after that meteorite fell, sweetie.” Anne turned on the television and relaxed. “Now hurry along, mommie wants Teddie to massage her feet.”

Walking down the basement stairs, Possible sauntered up to the captive Josh and got his attention.

“Uh, hey buddy, I need to know where your boss lives!” Kim crossed her arms and scowled at him.

“Oh gawd, please, get me some bandages and some antibiotic spray or it’ll get infected!” Mankey was in a state of pain riddled madness.

Kim looked down at his pierced “piece” and shuddered. “Damn, look, I just need to find her, will you just tell me or what?”

Josh babbled the address and pleaded for mercy. “C’mon, don’t leave me down here! They’re gonna violate me from behind, I’m too fragile for that!”

“Well, it’s been long enough, time to get started on your tattoos. You wanted a Smurfette, right?” Shego put on her safety goggles as Mankey screamed for help.

Kim ran up the stairs and away from the unpleasantness, grabbed her keys, jumped into her convertible and sped off towards P.I.S.S.E.D. headquarters. ‘I just hope she hasn’t dipped them in holy water or deported them to Sweden or something.’

Arriving at the exact address that Mankey had given her, Possible looked at the place with disbelief. “THIS is their headquarters?!”

The modern looking home featured pink paint, white lattice work, flower beds and a series of jolly lawn gnomes scattered everywhere. A small sign out front read, “P.I.S.S.E.D. headquarters, side door please.”

Finding the door unlocked, Possible walked right in and tried to get someone’s attention. “Hello, is anyone here?”

Marching past decorative lamps and Rummle figurines, the redhead marched up a set of stairs and into a hallway. Muffled sounds issued from a door at the far end, getting her attention. Kim pressed her ear against the door and listened. A woman’s voice could be heard.

“Oh yeah, that’s IT! INVADE that dimension, YEAH!”

Kim opened the door and walked in, startling the occupants.

The woman with the eye patch dove under the sheets as Ted and Ron in their impish forms turned to greet Possible. The three of them lay in bed naked together, with creepy music playing from a radio sitting on a nearby table.

“Hi KP, did you miss us?” Ron waved and gave her a big smile.

“Man, this chick is pretty cool after all!” Ted patted her thigh and smooched her cheek.

“Uh, Miss Possible, uh… this is a surprise… um… I can explain.” The woman turned two shades of red and swallowed hard.

“Forget it; I’m used to it by now.” Kim crossed her arms and looked away. “I need them back, I can’t explain why, I just do, okay?”

“Miss Possible, you gave them to me! I need them for sex… I MEAN, research! You can’t take them from me now!” Betty looked genuinely upset.

“Uh, FINE, we’ll set up a loaner agreement, okay?” Kim slapped her hand over her face and sighed.

“Agreed!” Director responded with glee.

“Does this mean that Kim is our pimp now?!” Ron looked at Keening with concern.

“Sure does, if I knew comin’ to the human world was gonna rock this hard; I would have signed on for curse detail a long time ago!” Ted grinned and stretched.

“Mom wants her foot rub now, so make it snappy!” Kim pointed at Ted and walked out.

“Gotta go, baby, but I’ll be back.” Ted gave Miss B a kiss and started searching for his clothes.

“Ron, could you get that thing out of the closet and wear it for me, it’s for… uh… research.” Betty winked and motioned to a small door near the bed.

Stoppable looked inside and held up a demon costume, complete with tentacles. “Uh… is this IT?”

“Yes please!” She responded.


Tara and Monique had driven off to anonymously drop off Josh at the nearest hospital. Fortunately, the boy was delusional, so it was unlikely the girls were going to face jail time.

“So you still gonna make a play for the freckled guy?” ‘Nique gave the blond a sly glance as she ran a red light. “He seems sweet, but a little weird.”

“Yeah, I really need a guy who isn’t smarter than me for once.” Tara rolled down her window and tossed an empty soda can at a cyclist, causing him to swerve into a bush. “If I can just get him away from Kim and Shego, I know I can force him to fall in love with me.”

“Uh, T-girl, you know it don’t work that way, right?” A concerned look came to the ebony girls face.

“It does if I MAKE it work!” A look of sinister evil came over the sprite-like passenger. “He’ll love me or KILL him!”

“Baby, have you thought about gettin’ some help?”

“Thank you, Moni; I could use your help winning Ron.” Tara smiled at Monique with a face that could melt Donald Trump’s coal-black heart.

“That’s not what I meant…” The driver tried to smooth the situation over.

“I SAID… thank you for offering to help!” Tara flashed another smile, but this one could kill a bucket of spotted owls from ten feet away.

“Uh… no problem… damn.”

As Middleton Hospital came into view, the two girls put on ski masks and readied themselves for action.

“On three…” Monique slowed the car down, and crept up to the emergency room entrance. “One… two… three… NOW!”

Grabbing Josh out of the back seat, the two chucked him out the door and onto the sidewalk. As he lay there, Mankey began babbling like a madman, while the masked duo sped away.

“Captain Happy ain’t happy; no he’s got a bolt in him! He’s got a bolt and he’s not happy at ALL!” The boy flopped around like a fish as two orderlies strapped him to a gurney and wheeled him inside.

The two attending physicians looked him over and nodded.

“Man, how many times has this happened in the last month?”

“I forget, but I know this guy in particular has been in here at least three times!”

Anne Possible lounged on her bed wearing her “evil” cape and NOTHING else, as Ted, dressed as one of her henchman, kissed and massaged her feet.

“WOW, you’re a REAL super villain! That is SO HOT, Miss P, I’d kill all of the Muppets if you told me to!” Keening was in full “worship” mode.

“Finally, a man who supports my need to usurp control of large land masses who ISN’T Christopher Walken. I have nothing against him; he’s just too much for one woman to handle.” The “evil” Possible patted Ted on his head. “So that puts you in the top spot.”

The imp leapt to his feet in triumph. “Alright, first runner-up, Gigety gigety GOO!”

Kim sat wearing only her birthday suit in bed with Shego, the day’s events had left her to face a difficult truth.

“I hate them, but I need them to deal with my anxiety and violence.” The girl slouched and looked to the older woman for support. “Does that make any sense?”

“It makes perfect sense, I hated them at first too, but it’s thanks to them that I can even be here.” Shego laid back and continued filing her nails.

“What do you mean?” Kim raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

“The tougher a demon is, the less time they can spend away from hell. The strongest can’t even leave, or else they would have raided this plane a long time ago.” The she-devil rolled on to her side and looked Kim in the eye. “Every time they do something bad, I get a bit of power from it, which I use to extend my time away from that stink shack down below.”

“So that’s why you put up with them, that’s really clever!” The redhead’s eyes sparkled with admiration. “You’re smart AND sexy, I’m so lucky!”

“If you think that’s clever, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!” The raven-haired lynx crept towards the horny, little rabbit with a naughty gaze.

“Uh HELLO, ignoring me… not COOL!” Bonnie crossed her arms and snorted from the other side of the bed.

“Sorry, kiddo, ya gotta be a little more insistent if you wanna hang in Shego’s Playhouse. Now get over here and give me some sugar!”

“Bonnie, no punching this time, I’m not Ted for chrissake.” Kim complained while uncoiling the silk rope.

“Fine, Miss Delicate, do you want me to NOT spank you too?” The brunette flung the sarcasm along with a gout of silly string.

“Hey, hey… let’s not do anything crazy, okay?” Shego produced a pair of handcuffs from under her pillow. “Now who’s gonna be the hostage?”


“NO, ME!”

End Chapter Three

LOL, take that decency! Any questions, comments, complaints or death threats? Drop me a review or a PM, I dare ya!

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