“I don't mean right now,” Shego added, “I mean… whenever you're ready.”
“Yes, Shego.”
Will, with Ron right behind him holding a new telephone for Shego's apartment, slipped his card through the reader next to Shego's door. The light turned green, there was a soft click, and Will opened it.
He could hear the panic before he even looked to see Kim standing stiffly beside the couch where Shego was sitting. Kim's face was turning redder as he watched - she was obviously afraid she'd been “caught”. Her body-language screamed We weren't DOING anything!
Shego was just looking down at her knees. He heard her sigh.
It was fairly obvious what was going on here… apparently “lesbian bliss” was not going to happen for awhile. That must be the “issue” that Shego was hoping Kim would work out, Will thought, I guess Kim's going to be self-conscious for awhile yet…
“Kim? Sorry, it's time for us to go. Actually, it's an hour past time for us to go… I gave you as long as I could” he said, sounding stern but feeling apologetic.
Go? Go… back home? Barely past the relief of being together finally, it had never occurred to Kim that they might be separated again. She looked at Shego, and asked haltingly (because it was SO humiliating with Will and Ron there), “Doc… can't… can't I stay? Just… tonight…”
Shego wanted nothing more right then, but there was more than 'right then' to consider. She looked at Will for a semi-hopefully, but really, Shego knew better. Leave an underaged teen girl alone with a known felon in her “jail cell”? For a sleep-over? Not likely. Not from the Law's standpoint.
He reluctantly nodded no, just as she'd expected.
“I'm sorry, Red. I guess… it probably wouldn't look good. And it'd be hard to explain to your parents, too. Maybe… you'll come tomorrow?” She glanced at Will again for confirmation that it would be allowed. He nodded that it would.
“And she can call you once you're home, Kim” Will said.
“Yeah… I'll call,” Shego said, “We can talk all night. And you can come tomorrow. I… I'm in prison, Red. I have to be, for awhile… You go on now.”
Kim forced herself to walk toward the door where Will and Ron were waiting. Multiple humiliations were weighing her down. Being “caught” was only a part of it. She had also just proved to Shego – her wife, her love – that she was embarrassed to be seen being close with her. Shego had obviously been disappointed. It just couldn't get any worse. And now, before she would even have a chance to say “I'm sorry”, she was going to have to leave. She looked at Will, then Ron. Shego had probably told Will everything, just as Kim had told Ron. So they both knew. And of course, they'd both been watching Shego and Kim's desperate embrace. So why was it still hard to say anything in front of them? But finally, she had to. She faced Shego from the door-frame:
“Doc… I… I'm sorry for-”
“Me too, Pumpkin. For everything.”
“And I love you.”
Shego smiled faintly – for Kim to say that in front of the guys, well, it was a start. “I love you too, Red. Go answer your phone.”
Kim was, of course, back the next day. Will escorted her in, but then, noting her painfully anxious posture and the look on her face, he decided he should probably spend a while in the Break Room. He shouldn't have – it was against the rules – but he did anyway. Besides, it would give him time to phone Dr. Director and tell her that the three of them were there. After Will had made his Friday Report about the girl's reunion, she'd asked to see the three of them next time they were all there. The meeting was to be kept a surprise to Kim and Shego until the last minute.
The Director was in the office that Saturday – not unusual – but this time especially because she was expecting Kim to show up. After Will called her, she put aside her other catch-up work and took a paddle-ball from the bottom drawer of her desk. She leaned back and paddled, the little rubber ball bouncing rhythmically back and forth on its elastic string. This was a ritual of hers since back in the college days.
It was going to be an important interview. There were questions to be answered. About the relationship between Kim and Shego (which frankly sounded more than a little on the fantastic side), about Shego's future intentions, about Kim's place in all of it. Shego's comet-power made her a potentially very dangerous threat to global security, and if Kim were to be swayed into a life of crime to stay with her… well, she needed to know which way the ball bounced. Love and Ethics were independent properties. And if this whole thing were some kind of hoax the two of them had already pre-planned…
Kim would serve as the litmus test. Dr. Director knew the girl well, and poor Kim couldn't lie her way out of a paper bag. Shego, on the other hand, had pretty much made a career of trickery and deception. Even her trade-mark suit was designed to confuse. It was dangerous to assume – as Will apparently had – that the woman was ever honest. She wasn't about to simply take his word for it.
So if Shego and Kim were in on the hoax together, it would be readily apparent. On the other hand, if Shego were using Kim, then she should react a certain way as the Director asked her supposed “lover” questions. She'd want Kim to display the depths of the relationship that Shego was cultivating in her.
If the story were true, though… Shego ought to behave… differently. It ought to be obvious. If it wasn't… well, it was going to have to be, is all. The Director wouldn't be satisfied with anything less than “obvious”.
That might make things hard on Kim… But if this affair were true, then she didn't want to poison either – or both – of them against her and the GJ. Because having them working as a team for the GJ would be… well, one of the most potent forces at her disposal.
There was a lot at stake here.
She paddled her ball.
When the time came close for Will to show up with the girls, she put her paddle-ball away, arranged her office furniture, straightened her desk, and partially closed her curtains. She put the fern from her desk onto the coffee-table in front of the couch. Something calming and restful for them to stare at. This was going to be tricky.
She prepared to pretend to make notes in her Day-Planner. The Director had her own deceptions and tricks – the difference between her and Shego lay in the purpose behind them.
A knock on her door.
Show time.
“You may come in” Betty Director said from behind her desk, “Ladies… have a seat on the couch please. I'll be with you in a moment.” She went back to pretending to make entries in the Planner.
“I'll just wait-” Will began.
“You stay, Agent First Class Du. Take that chair” Betty pointed without looking up. Her use of his full title was a signal for him – watch, learn, and shut-up.
Betty watched the girls' reflections in the face of her her desk-clock. Shego was nonchalant – or acting so. Probably acting. Kim was obviously intensely anxious. She usually was that way, though, in this office, so nothing really new there. Time to start. She looked up.
“I suppose you both know why I've asked to see you?”
Shego, of course, answered for them, “We can guess, Betty.” Kim was looking at the fern, the Director noticed.
“Kim – Ms. Possible, I mean – Agent Du reports to me that you are involved with your former arch-enemy: Ms. Van Gogh. True?”
Kim swallowed before answering, “Yes, ma'am.” The blush appeared instantly.
“Romantically involved?”
Still staring intently at the fern, Kim answered after a short pause, “Yes, ma'am.”
Almost before Kim finished her answer, Betty said, “Sexually involved?”
Kim slumped visibly, and her blush turned up two full shades. But Shego, watching her, turned glaring eyes towards the Director and answered instead, “Yeah, sexually too! Is there a point to-”
“Ms. Van Gogh – I'll get to you later, if you please. I'm asking Kim.”
Shego was starting to breathe hard, but backed down just the same saying “Yeah, well… I'm not 'pleased'.”
“Doc?” Kim said, “It's okay. Yes, ma'am. S – sexually.” Kim didn't understand what the Director was up to, either – but she did know that she was up to something.
“So you're a homosexual now…”
There it was again. The “H” word. Or the “L” word, or the “G” word… always with the god-damned words. “I guess so.”
“You guess so?” Poke.
Kim looked up from the fern, “Yeah, I guess so! I… I'm 'involved', as you put it, with Shego. A woman. So call it what you want - I really don't care.”
“I see” Betty said calmly. She noted the slight surprise on Shego's face. “And this happened during your time together in… what shall we call it… the Other World.”
“That's right.”
Obviously, Kim wasn't going to be volunteering any information on her own. Dr. Director thought for awhile, then asked, “Were you gay before your other-dimensional experience?”
“I… I don't…” Kim sighed. “I don't know. I don't think so… But it… it just seems like… how could I not have… uh…” she took a deep breath to collect her thoughts. It occurred to her that no one was really interested in her turmoil about what it meant to be “gay”, or to what degree, or under what circumstances. People just wanted simple answers – probably because they'd never questioned their own sexuality. Fuck. What difference did it make anyway? Kim decided to stick with simple answers. “I don't think so. No, ma'am.”
“You were there for twenty-one years, from your point-of-view.”
“Yes.”
“You arranged a marriage ceremony.”
“Yes.”
“Why? There was no one else there… what was the point of that?”
“Because I wanted… I wanted…” she glanced over at Shego beside her. The older girl was staring at the fern now. “I wanted her to know how I felt. I wanted to wear a ring. I wanted to make it… permanent. Somehow. Official. Even if it wasn't exactly… but to me it was.”
Shego shifted uncomfortably on the couch. The Director was humiliating Kim on purpose – and her by association. God-damned cops. They're always up to their tricks…
“Do you consider yourself 'married' to Ms. Van Gogh now?” Betty asked.
Shego looked over at Kim now, with an expression on her face that the Director wouldn't have been able to describe, “Red… you don't… it's okay. You don't have to answer – it's none of her-”
Staring right back at Shego – and not at the Director - Kim only said, “Yes, ma'am.” Shego swallowed, and went back to studying the fern.
Time to get Unprofessional about it, Betty thought to herself, rile them up - “It could never be official, you know. In fact, in Colorado-”
“You didn't ask me if I thought it was official. You asked me if I considered myself married to her. Yes. I am. Next question.” Kim cut her off. Actually cut her off!
Well, Betty thought, Kim's certainly earnest. And… not much like the Kim I used to know, either. She actually interrupted me and threw my own words back! Not quite the teenager you were before, are you Kim… Just as one might expect, given the story supposedly behind it. Two points for the Truth. But be that as it may, it wasn't getting her far with analyzing Shego's reactions. She was still going to have to find a way to piss the Thief off…
“How are your parents taking all this?”
Bam! All Kim's 'maturity' disappeared in a flash - “Oh. Uh… It's… I mean…”
“Just where do they think you are right now, Kim?”
“Uhm…”
Kim began to fidget, noticeably pained and confused now. Shego glared at the Director, and the Director saw but pretended to pay no mind. Will continued staring at the fern, but he could tell what was going on. It was in the air.
“Well, no matter. It's not the job of Global Justice to 'out' homosexuals – even underage ones… but I have to say, this is in fact Global Justice, not 'Club Med'. If you were expecting more 'bathroom sex' like you had at the Middleton stadium while Shego is incarcerated here, it's not-”
“WHAT THE FUCK are you up to, Betty!” Shego yelled, jumping up from the couch.
Will jumped up too, instinctively reaching for his sidearm.
Kim tried to interject, “Shego! Don't-”
“Fuck that Kim! What the hell kind of interview is this, anyway? She's done nothing but embarrass you and try to catch you off-guard and put you in awkward situations – and I've been sitting her watching and not saying anything, but it's ALL BULLSHIT! NONE of the things she's asked have anything to do with ANYTHING! It's like she has some kind of personal vendetta against you because you're… because we're a couple now, and she doesn't LIKE it! What about it, Doctor? Learning lots of good stuff, are ya? I know how she works, Kim – she likes to twist people around and watch them squirm until she gets what she's after. What I wanna know is WHAT ARE YOU AFTER, DIRECTOR!”
“I'm after you, Shego” Dr. Director said holding Shego's enraged glare, “It was you being interviewed here. I asked Kim the questions, but it's you I need to know about.”
Too late, Shego realized that she'd done exactly what the Director had wanted her to do. “Fucking cops! God!” With that, she sat back down.
“I needed to satisfy myself that she was actually in love with you so that-”
“She is!” Shego fairly growled.
“And are you in love with her?”
“I… I am…”
“And what will you do now? What is it you want now, Shego?” Betty pressed her point while she had Shego too humiliated to lie or evade the question.
“Me? What do I want? Y'know wanna know what I fuckin' want? I'll tell ya what I fuckin' want – you should get a kick outta this: I want a god-damned house in the country with a kitchen and a vegetable garden out back and her coming through the god-damned door at five o'clock and saying 'Honey! I'm home!' and our god-damned dog and I will run up and lick her god-damned face! THAT'S what I GOD-DAMNED WANT!”
Everyone was looking at Shego. She glared at Dr. Director for awhile longer, awaiting the expected smart-ass response, but it never came. She looked around at the other faces – Kim's, Will's.
Will – with his hand still on his holstered gun – could only say “God-damn, Shego…”
She looked back at Kim, who was so stunned that she only said, “You… you want a dog?”
And finally back at Dr. Director, who smiled faintly and said “That does sound rather nice. I suggest a greyhound. I have two myself. Now let's talk about how we can make that happen, shall we?”
“Well now, this is looking a lot homier…” Will said, referring to Shego's new apartment. Still secure, still in the “HLS” wing, but with a kitchen and a bedroom now. The previous day, Kim, Ron, Tara, and he had taken part in a “cell-warming” party. The “boys” - as they were referred to - were tasked with running back and forth to J.C. Penney, Home Depot, and SafeWay as required by the “girls”. Frankly, Will and Ron were happy to get away from all the decorating-talk and furniture-moving duty, and Will didn't even mention that he was breaking yet another Rule by leaving them there unattended.
“Woman's touch. You wouldn't understand” Shego commented mock-snidely.
“Uh-huh. You didn't know what a 'window sheer' or 'valence' was either, I noticed. And even I know what color 'heliotrope' is.”
“You shoulda been a decorator, Secret Agent Man” Shego said, “I thought I saw you checking out Ron when he was here. You go, girl!”
“Not funny, Shego.”
“All in the point of view, Will” she said, winking at him, “Oh, and uh… Kim will be over for dinner, so…”
“I'll make myself scarce. I'm making a little home for myself at the end of the hall. Magazines, newspapers… little coffee-warmer, comfy chair from the waiting-room. Maybe I'll put in a little fridge and a tv…”
“Yeah, good. Thanks.”
Will sighed. This had been one of his longer conversations with her since Kim had come back into her life. If Kim wasn't actually there, then Shego was usually on the phone with her. Today was an oddity – Kim normally called and talked all through lunch. It wasn't so much that he felt jealous as it was… No, basically he was jealous. He sighed again. She didn't notice.
Then he said, “Oh! That reminds me – your, uh, 'Ruskie' or whatever book came in at the library. They sent me an e-mail. I'll pick it up-”
“Ruskin? The Selected Writings of Ruskin? Oh my god!” Shego was displaying more excitement than Will had ever seen. And for a book? “Will? Can you go get it and bring it when you come back this evening? I know you've already made your library run, but-”
“I'll GET IT tomorrow, Shego! I'm not your errand-boy, you know… It's a book. You'll get it tomorrow. Christ…”
“Well… 'Scuze me for asking a favor. You're the 'good cop'. My buddy. I know all about it.”
“Shego… Whatever. You'll have an hour after I escort Kim in.”
“One hour? Are you punishing me here, Will? It's usually two. Sometimes three…”
“I know, and because of those extra hours, I'm behind on other duties. I do have other duties. Checking in on you is only one of them. You'll get your book tomorrow.” He turned to leave. Really, he should check with the Director about whether it was really necessary for him to be doing this anymore. It seemed like a waste of time. Maybe she'd cut his visits down to once a day. Or week.
“Yeah. You do that” Shego said coldly.
“Later” Will said while closing the door behind him.
Shego stared at the door. Stupid cop. All she did was ask him for a little favor. He'd done her BIG favors before… a couple of times. A few. So what was the big deal about going back downtown to the library to… it would only take fifteen minutes! Well, with weekday traffic, maybe half an hour. 45 minutes… Each way…
“Aww… fuck” Shego said to herself, collapsing onto the couch.
Will fumed as he fairly stomped down the hallway, making sure Shego would be able to hear him leaving. Bitch… Like he didn't have better things to do than run books back and forth for her all day long. Did she think he was her side-kick? Her fan-boy? Okay, so maybe he did idolize her a little – she was the best, most cunning, most powerful, smartest… And maybe he was a little proud to consider himself to be her “buddy”, but…
“Awww, God… dammit…” he said to himself in the elevator.
From his little “home” at the end of the hall, Will could smell the dinner that Shego had prepared. Something Italian, it smelled like. As usual, it smelled good, too. He'd had turkey al la king at the GJ cafeteria earlier. It was… food. It wouldn't kill you. Usually. He sighed and went back to his Aviation News. Burt Rutan's 'SpaceShipOne” looked just incredibly cool… Gawd he was hungry…
At 6:30 the girl's hour was up. He put down his magazine and took a sip of barely tepid coffee with artificial creamer in it. He looked down the hall… and sat back down. What the hell. Give 'em another hour.
Then his Communicator went off.
“Will D – oh, hi, Kim. Look, you can have another-”
“You want some eggplant Parmesan? Shego make kind of a lot… and uh…”
“I don't want to intrude, Kim. This is supposed to be your-”
“Didn't you say once that you went to Rice? I'm going there for an interview next week – they're offering me a scholarship, maybe. You got your Master's in Criminology there, right?”
“Oh. Yeah… I did. Uh… okay, I'll be right in.”
Kim was still sitting at the kitchen table, her empty plate still in front of her. Shego was retrieving Will's plate from the micro-wave. Will sat down at the place prepared for him, and noticed that Kim was already blushing intensely.
“Look Kim, I know it's uncomfortable for you with me being here. I can just take my plate and-”
“No, no, Will… it's not that this time,” she smiled an un-forced smile, although she still didn't look at him, “It's just that Doc was teasing me about things she remembers and I don't.”
Will asked out of cop habit, “What kinds of things?” and then winced inwardly. What kinds of things do you THINK, moron?
Shego answered as she sat down Will's plate “Hot lesbian sex. What else?”
“Doc!”
“Well, that's what the HLS wing is here for…” Will said to Shego, following along with what he thought might be a joke.
Kim of course didn't know that - “Oh! No!… we don't… I mean, all we-”
“Pumpkin? Lighten up. He was making a joke…” Shego said, rolling her eyes at Will.
Kim attempted to hide her face in her hands.
God it was cute. Will had to force himself not to stare, and carried on - “ANYWAY, Kim… Rice, huh? Good choice. What were you thinking of majoring in?”
Dr. Drakken was keeping close tabs on Kim Possible as his plan neared completion. She was to be the key player, after all. He needed her and everything that came with her – notably, the Press. When he saw that she'd booked a flight to Houston for the next week, he smiled. Perfect. She'd be alone, according to the ticket, and she'd be close to the action, so he could depend on her showing up. It was going to push his schedule up a bit… but nothing he couldn't make up for if he hurried.
All that was really left to do was run the calculations for positioning the Transporter's destination locations – and he wouldn't be able to get more than rough estimates about that until he was in the mine, using his Tensor Stress Sensor to follow along the fault-line at various distances. Longer distances were actually easier to calculate – closer ones would need more precision. One of those cube-law things.
He began sketching out the equations in his notebook.
“Now Shego” Dr. Director began, from the couch in Shego's apartment. She sipped her tea – lemon grass with thyme – and waited for Shego to seat herself, “I have word from… sources… that Dr. Drakken may be up to something. Since you seem to have changed sides, I wonder if you could tell me anything that might be of value about that…”
“Sorry, Betty. I'd tell you if I knew, but he wasn't exactly himself when I finally quit. It was kinna spooky, actually. Usually he won't shut-up about his latest plan… but this time, he wouldn't say squat. I was kind of grateful, to tell the truth.”
“I see. So… no other unusual behavior prior to that? Just one day – instead of bragging about his genius – he shuts up? When did you first notice him acting oddly?”
“Oh, I dunno… First he was working on this 'Vanishing Cream' – supposed to make you invisible – oh, wait. No, first he wanted me to go get some plutonium. From Fermi Lab. Yeah, that's was when Kim showed up and-”
“I know about that. What was the plutonium for?”
“Heck if I know. But after that, he went and bought some somewhere. This was right about the time of my first dream from the Other World. I, uh, guess you got Will's report about all that…”
“It was rather sparse. You were walking around a ruined city somewhere.”
“Yeah. St. Louis. Which I thought was weird 'cause I've never been there. I told Dr. D about it, and-”
“You did?”
“Well, yeah. I didn't tell him that I was looking for Kim there – was sort of still trying to wrap my head around that at the time – but yeah… Oh! And he kind of perked up when I said it was St. Louis. Wanted to know if I was sure it was St. Louis, sure it was an earthquake, stuff like that. Actually… that was when he started acting weird, I guess, come to think of it…”
“By 'acting weird' you mean not telling you his plans…”
“Yeah. Exactly. You think his plan has something to do with earthquakes in St. Louis?”
“It's a good bet, based on what I've heard. The question remains: why did he decide to suddenly keep it a secret from you?”
“Yeah. I dunno. I used to give him a pretty hard time about his schemes… maybe he just got tired of it. Poor guy… he's actually kinna brilliant, y'know. But way too much of a goof-ball to ever pull anything off. I mean, a fortress made entirely out of cheese. Come on…”
Betty chuckled - “Yes… that was… unusual. Well, thank you Shego. You've actually been quite helpful. Keep thinking about why he may have wanted to hide his plan from you, though. It might be important.”
“'Kay Betty. I get brownie-points for this?”
“Ten. Maybe fifteen. We'll see.”
Kim was in the Dean's waiting-room when her Communicator went off.
“Wade! Long time no see! What's the sitch?”
“Trouble in the Deep South, Kim – Avery Island, Louisiana. You're close by, so Dr. Director said to get you there ASAP. Ron will be there later. She seems to think it's Dr. Drakken, but won't say why. Anyway, he's making little earthquakes all along some fault line – they think he's trying to see off the Big One somehow. Your helo will land in the clock-tower square in… well, about five minutes, looks like. Better hurry.”
“Got it Wade! Kim out!”
It felt good to be back in the game again, FINALLY, and took her mind off how much she wished Shego was there with her.
“The Dean will see you now, Ms. Possible” the secretary said pleasantly, despite her scowl. Apparently, the scowl was permanent.
“Oh, sorry. Gotta go – save the world y'know! I'll re-schedule when I get back!” and she was out the door.
Half an hour later, she was descending the elevator into the Avery Island salt mine.
The salt-dome that contained the mine was an obvious feature, as seen from the air – it pushed up a circular mound over a mile wide in an otherwise nondescript bit of marshland in far southern Louisiana. The “island” itself didn't really look like Kim had imagined, being only technically an island because, if not for the bridges, one would have had to wade through swamp to get to it.
The dome was actually a few miles wide underneath that cap, and honey-combed into huge rooms with pillars of salt left in place for support. The deepest level was 900 feet down – and no longer in production. The perfect place for a mad-scientist to set up shop.
At the far end of the eastern-most room, a spider-web-like device hung on the crystalline wall. This was Dr. Drakken's “Tensor Stress Sensor”, or just “TensorSensor”, for short. He thought the short version was far more clever. With the TensorSensor in place, he could trace the fault within the Earth to it's far end just west of Indianapolis. That's where he started.
His pride and joy, the miniaturized Transporter Loop (singular this time) sat on a ping-pong table next to the ice-chest sized tiny nuclear reactor that provided power. Every five minutes, a Rube Goldberg-looking device would catapult a baseball-sized sphere of purple goo through the energized, foot-wide Loop. Where that sphere ended up was what the Doctor was there to control.
The purple goo was a super-slippery gel that foamed under pressure. Once “transported” into the slip zone, it expanded to roughly ten-thousand times it's size in volume, in the direction of maximum pressure. It crawled through the porous sand-and-limestone along the fault line, reducing the friction there to nearly zero and voila! the fault would slip – just a little – and just right there. Enough to be detected by the seismic sensors that monitored the fault – but not enough to be felt by the people above it.
By the time Kim got to him, a mile and a half away from the elevator, on the bottom level, underground, Drakken was positioning the other end of the Loop just north of Baton Rouge.
“This is the part where you give up, Dr. Drakken!” she shouted, rounding a corner and finally seeing him and his equipment. She stopped to await a reply, somewhat stunned that he didn't seem to care that she was there.
“What? Oh! Oh, yes, there you are, Kim Possible! How excellent! Oh, wait, what am I supposed to – oh yes, 'You think you're all that, but your NOT'. Ha ha. Fun!”
It was fun for him, too. After all this time – and without help from Shego – the world would finally have to recognize his genius! Why, the scale of the disaster-
“I'm glad you're enjoying yourself…” Kim said, still shouting, but not quite so sure of herself… she must be missing something, “… because where you're going, the entertainment options will be limited!”
Drakken furrowed his brow and looked over at her again, “My 'entertainment options will be limited'? That's not… see here, you are Kim Possible, correct? Why do you sound like a spokeswoman for Webster's Dictionary? It's a good thing no one's recording this – I'd be embarrassed. For you.” He turned back to his control panel. Another ball of gel flew through the Loop.
“Yeah… well” Kim retorted, but then thought, enough of this! “Enough of this!” She ran toward him, intent on preventing him from… whatever it was he was doing. But twenty feet away, she felt something strange – like the air itself had become heavy and thick, syrupy. She could hardly move through it. Or breathe within it. She back-stroked her way in reverse until she could breathe again. “… the hell?”
“Good, isn't it? I haven't come up with a name for it yet… something involving 'kinetic', I should think. 'Kino-repeller field' perhaps. Bah… I'll think of something later. Busy now, don't you know.”
Whatever it was Drakken was doing, he sure seemed contented and happy about doing it. He hadn't even laughed maniacally yet. Kim considered her options, and looked for the source of the “Kino-whatever” field. While she looked, she engaged Drakken in small-talk. Keep him distracted for awhile, until he'd get tired of wondering what she was up to. All very… Star Trek-ish. Captain Kirk had found a hole in the force-field around his villain… perhaps she could, too.
“Yeah, pretty cool. So whatcha up to Drak? All the way down here, all alone… no lasers or anything. Not really your style, is it?” She began walking around the forcefield, trying to get a feel for where it was and still looking for what was producing it.
“It's the New Me, Kimmerz! I'm hip! I'm likable! I'm a little eccentric! I'm thinking 'book/movie' deal! 'Dr. D Saves the World'. Or perhaps, 'Drakken Saves St. Louis'. Yes… assonance. Very good. Very whack…”
“Did you just call me 'Kimmerz'?” Kim shook her head to clear it, something SO not right here… Whack? “Wait. 'saves'? SAVES? Did I hear right?”
“Yes indeed! 'Saves'. You were sent here of course to stop me, to foil my dastardly scheme. Well, now you can say 'Oh-emm-gee! He's SAVING the Mississippi Valley! Oh-emm-eff-gee!' Such a plot twist! Ell-oh-ell. I can't wait to see the audience's faces…”
“You… you've been spending way too much time on the 'net, Dr. D…”
“Ha. Research. Gotta be down with the masses – I mean 'the home team'. My homies. Have to practice that more… What exactly does it mean to be 'chillin'? Is it like being 'cool'? And should one say 'cool' or 'kool' or 'k00l'? Really, you young people's culture is SO the confusion… Did I get that right? And about this 'ell-emm-ay-oh' thing-”
“What the HELL happened to you! You inhale some of your own freak-gas or something?”
“In a sense. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Master them through mass-media! Video-games! The Drax-Box! What do you – I mean, 'Whaddaya think' ?”
“I think you've finally gone completely bonkers…”
“All part of my scheme, Kimmerz. You WILL know my genius!”
“That's more like it” Kim said with some relief. It was the first “normal” thing out of his mouth so far.
“It's going to be my corporate Mission Statement. I'm still working on a logo. I'm thinking of a color and an animal of some sort – but all the good ones are taken. Blue Dolphin. Pink Parakeet. Rainbow Koala… can you believe it? There's actually a company out there called 'Rainbow Koala'. They make shower-curtain rings. Going legit has turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. You think I'll have groupies, Kimmerz? I've never had a groupie before…”
“Can we get back to what you're doing here? Something about earthquakes, I was told…”
“I'm preventing one, Kimolio! Yes! When it comes out what I've accomplished here – the first time anyone has been able to prevent a natural disaster, I'll be famous! Hmmm… I may even win the Nobel Prize… 'Nobel Laureate Dr. Drakken'. Heh. 'Super-genius'. Yes. I like the sound of that… 'Nobel Laureate Drakken, SUPER-genius'…”
“You're freaking me out, Drak…”
“Don't hate me because I'm a super-genius. HA! MWAH-HAH!” Drakken laughed at his own joke.
“Well, now that we've had a chat, let me show you my stuff here. You'll be impressed. Tell your friends!” He reached up and pulled one of the several levers at the top of his control-console. Kim felt the force-field weaken and disperse.
“You… you're letting me in? Just like that?”
“Why not? We're on the same side here. Besides, I'm about done. Three or four more mini-quakes, and 99 of the stress from the last few million years will be gone. All with little mini-quakes that Joe Blow on the street couldn't even feel. I am da man! Woot!”
“Can you cut that out now, Doctor? I'm serious. It really weirds me out…”
Dr. Drakken grinned a non-mad-scientist grin. It looked… strange, on a man with a blue face, one continuous eyebrow, and a scar on his cheek. Not the sort of thing one would expect. “I do apologize, Kim. I have to practice my new persona, you know. You're my first test audience. Perhaps it needs toning down…”
“Yeah… perhaps…” Kim said, walking up to the control console – still wary, but mostly confused.
“Now, you see this display? This represents the vectorized stress field of the New Madrid fault. Now, by taking the grad of that-”
“Grad?”
“It's like an integral in each dimension. Uh, do you understand-”
“I know what integrals are, yeah. Go on…”
“Well, we can follow the field along and insert our goo-goo gel at the-”
“'Goo-goo gel'?”
“Slippery stuff.”
“Got it.”
“- at the stress points. The slippery stuff makes the fault slip right there. By distributing the slip along various points a bit at a time, we relieve the stress of the fault. Lots of little quakes that do no harm, as opposed to one big one disaster.”
“… that's… that's pretty cool, Dr. Drakken. But, uh… why are you doing this again?”
“Try to pay attention, Kim. Everyone knows about the New Madrid strike-slip fault. It is a well known geological feature. The stresses on it are very well understood and monitored. But all the geophysicists can say is 'it will probably cause a major earthquake sometime in , oh, the next hundred thousand years. Give or take twenty thousand years.' Now I'm going to show them how to change the characteristics of the earth itself! No more earthquakes! Ever! Anywhere! I'll be a celebrity! I'll be on Oprah! Oh, I was meaning to ask you – what's she like?”
“She's nice. Little hyper off-camera… But – what happened to taking over the world?”
“Bah. What would I do with it? Well… besides shoot all the lawyers. And politicians. And television producers. Advertising executives. Those guys in the vests who stop you at road-construction sites kind of piss me off too…”
“This is probably better.”
“Def way better! Fo' shizzle!”
Kim giggled, “You… are insane…”
Another ball of goo disappeared through the Loop, but this time, Kim thought she heard a distant rumbling.
“What was that?”
“Ah, we're getting down to the last few mini-quakes, so they're getting closer. Don't worry though, the last one will be safely far away from us. Wanna set it? Just turn this dCabin knob here to zero. It's quite an honor for you, if I say so myself…”
Kim reached for the knob on the console, “To zero?”
“Exactly zero, yes. Good.”
“What's 'dCabin'?”
“Oh, a little joke of mine. What's the integral of dCabin over Cabin?”
“Math jokes… Uh… oh, wait. Log – no: natural log Cabin. By the sea. Okay, for a math joke, that's not so bad…”
“By the sea?” Drakken said, perplexed.
“Yeah. You know, the constant. The integral of dCabin/Cabin ln(Cabin) + c. By the c. It's your joke, Drak…”
The goo-thrower was already pulled back, ready to launch the last sphere. “Oh… snap…” he said.
The catapult launched, and they both watched the purple ball disappear in a flash of blue light.
And all hell broke lose.