He thought about that as he opened the door.
“No… no, I think that's the point, Shego. You don't.”
Well, this was going to be awkward…
Kim and Ron were walking home from school as usual. But Kim had an unusual question this time – she needed the cover of a boyfriend, and she was going to ask Ron to be that cover. So weird. From wondering “are we a couple” to “can we pretend to be a couple?” in a month. Thing was, Kim needed it. She's been hanging out with Tara a lot lately, people were bound to suspect. But she couldn't very well just drop Tara – even though she would no doubt understand – because she was Kim's only buddy. The only girl she could talk to comfortably about things. With everyone else she had to watch what she said, and how she said it. True, she was comfortable around Ron too… but wouldn't be if the conversation happened to turn to “who's the hottest Charlie's Angel”. Around Tara she could giggle about it. Around Ron she'd blush.
“… and it turns out, it's the pineapple enzyme that sort of pre-digests some of the ligaments in the meat, and makes it tender! But canned pineapple juice won't work, y'see, 'cause the enzyme has been destroyed by the canning process-”
“Uh… Ron?”
“- which is why you can't make Jello with fresh pineapple-”
“Ron?”
“-juice. Uh, yeah, KP?”
“That's real interesting an' all… but, I… uh, I have kind of a personal favor to ask you.”
“Consider it done! I'm yer man! 'Do it to it', is my-”
“I need you to pretend like you're my boyfriend.” There, she's said it. And all at one time, too.
“Uh… pretend to be… oh. I get it. 'Cuz you can't possibly be a lesbian and have a boyfriend, right?”
“Something like that.”
He thought it over for a moment. It didn't… feel right. “So… exactly how do I 'pretend to be your boyfriend'?”
“Oh, I dunno, Ron… Just… y'know… come up and talk to me… uhm… maybe kiss me on the cheek sometimes…”
“Well, I would, Kim, but you're usually talking with Tara lately, and-”
“That's just it. I AM spending a lot of time with Tara. It's not… we're not girlfriends or anything… Well, I mean we are, but… Look. I know you have this thing about lying. I know you'd rather not do this. I know it'll be hard for you, okay? Please, Ron. I'd just die if people started… saying things about me, y'know?”
All that was true. Ron did have a “thing” about lying. Part of it was his upbringing, part of it was his personality, and part of it was prior experience. Lies tended to come back and bite you. If you wanted to avoid that, you usually had to lie more. To his father, for instance… Yeah, Dad, I'm planning on studying Actuarial Science in college… Maybe I can work at the same insurance company you do, ya think? The day he went off to cooking school in New York was going to be… bad. It was a vicious cycle. The only way out was not to start.
What Kim didn't say was how hard it was for her to ask. She hadn't ever really needed to lie like this before, and it was bringing up… feelings. Guilty feelings. Somehow, she felt like she knew what it was like to keep up a lie like this. To make people think something about you was true when it wasn't. At all. Being “in the closet” was a little like that. But what she was asking him to do almost made her feel ill.
“Kim… I dunno… I mean, how long is it going to go on? The whole year? Longer? And what about Shego – how's she gonna feel about me 'pretending'? This isn't a good idea, KP.”
She stopped walking and faced him, “Ron – I know. I know I'm being stupid about the whole thing, okay? Even I know that I can't live like this forever. But… dammit Ron… When I think of – the whole idea of – it getting out…”
“There's nothing for you to be ashamed of, Kim! It's just-”
“Don't got there! Just… don't, Ron. Stop telling me how things ought to be, okay? That's not how they are, and I know it. I've heard the way you guys talk about Tara sometimes… I never really listened before. Even some of the girls. Are you gonna do this for me or not?”
“You've never heard me talking about-”
“You know what I meant.”
Ron sighed. Yes, he did know what she meant – he'd heard the guys talk too. And while he thought they were incredibly stupid – he never said anything about it. See how keeping quiet comes back to get ya? In ways you NEVER expect, too.Oh, he'd do it, though. Of course. He just hoped Kim got her act together before things got any deeper. They always got deeper…
“Yeah, KP, I'll do it. I'll play along – unless some asks me a direct question, 'kay? But - and it's hard for me to say this – I'm worried about you, Kim. You're not doing this right.”
“Good” she said, and turned to walk again, “Now hold my hand.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Ronnie-kins.”
“Geez KP…” He held her hand as they walked. It felt… odd. He didn't like it. To change the conversation to something he hoped would be less tense, he added, “So, heard anything from Shego?”
“Nothing. Not a word. I don't suppose you-”
“Nuh-uh. She must be on vacation still” he answered.
“I dunno… I wish she'd… call or something. I kind of… we parted on bad terms, ya might say, last time I saw her.”
“When was that?”
“Uhm… at the cheer practice. The time I told you about.”
“Uh… oh! When you… oh. Bad terms?”
“I wasn't ready, all right? I said some things I didn't mean. I just hope she realizes that. I wish I could tell her…”
“Wow.”
“Would you stop saying that? Gyah!”
“Shego… I'm gonna have to talk to Kim today. To corroborate your story. I won't tell her anything about you, though…” Will said cautiously while preparing to leave her “cell”.
“Gonna use more of that 'Passive Interrogation' stuff?”
“Yeah. I'm going to tell her I'm trying to find you, ask her if she's heard or knows anything about where you might be. Any idea what she might say?”
“The last time she saw me… well, she was pretty mad at me. I don't know if she'll tell you about that, though. We… kinda… I mean, I…” she hesitated. She hadn't told Will about meeting Kim at the stadium that afternoon. It was kind of personal. Well… all right, what it was was humiliating. It was none of his business anyway. Stupid cop. Dumb goody-two-shoes… oh, hell- “She thought I molested her, okay? No, I didn't. I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she said 'no', all right? She was into it. But after… I dunno… she got all weird. Yelled at me. It pretty much sucked.”
“When was that?” Will asked, policeman-like.
“Four days before I came here.”
Will tried to piece it together, and eventually reached an obvious conclusion - “Did that have anything to do with why you-”
“Yes.”
“I see.”
“Oh, y'see, do ya?” she said accusingly, “No, I don't think you do see! You know how old she is, Will? She's seventeen. Seven-fucking-teen! I was… I was thinking of her like she was thirty. That's how old she was in my dream – it was her thirtieth birthday. Doy! I suppose I'm a child-molester now. Add it to the list.”
“Uhm… under the circumstances, I don't think I heard you say that” Will said. Legally, yes… first degree rape, actually, whether Kim had been willing or not. But that was ridiculous. That was just… stupid, all things considered. Funny how there always seemed to be subtleties the Law hadn't considered. No wonder the law books were so thick.
“Okay, well, I'm going then. See ya at dinner.” He headed for the door.
“Will? Uh… sorry about that. Look, I know you're not going to give me any details – being a law-man an' all, but… I'd like… uhm… I'd like to know…”
“I'll tell ya what I can, Shego.”
“Yeah. Okay. Thanks.”
“Kim! Some policeman here to see you!” Jim and Tim shouted in unison up the stairs.
Will double-checked his clothing. He wasn't wearing a badge or anything… his sidearm was well concealed… how did people always know he was a cop?
“Oh, Will! Come in. Uhm… long time no see. I kind of thought the GJ might have forgotten about me…”
“It's been rather quiet lately” Will lied – since Kim had returned from that Other World, Dr. Dementor had tried to unleash a flock of mutant poisonous pigeons in New York city, Monkey Fist had nearly taken over a missile-silo in Nebraska, and DNAmy had threatened Tokyo with something that looked like a giant flying turtle. It had been a busy four months. “We're concerned about Drakken and Shego. They seem to have dropped off the radar – wondered if you'd heard anything.”
“Oh… uh… no, I-”
“Agent Du! How are ya! You and the GJ keeping the world safe from ne'er-do-wells?” Dr. Possible – the father – said coming in from the kitchen.
“Dr. Possible. I was just asking your daughter if she'd heard anything about Drakken and Shego lately” Will greeted him. He also noted that the anxiousness of Kim's face went up a notch.
Dr. Possible looked at Kim as he turned towards the back door, “Kimmie? Didn't you say that Shego was taking a vacation?”
“Oh… yeah! Yeah. Uhm… she said that in the phone-call I had traced…”
Will picked up on that immediately - “Were there other calls?”
“No. No other calls. From Shego. Or anyone, I mean” Kim said, her nervousness almost painfully obvious. She was lying through her teeth – and she was bad at it.
“Well, all right then, Kim. If you hear anything, give Wade a shout on the Kimmunicator, will ya?” Wade – the 11 year old computer genius - served as liaison between Team Possible and the GJ proper.
“Yeah. Sure. Wade. Good old Wade…”
Will tried to keep from smiling – Kim was so cute when she was flustered. “I doubt he's called 'old' very often. Well, goodbye then, Ms. Possible. I'll see myself out.” After he'd opened the front door to leave – and given Kim a chance to relax a little – he turned around and said, oh so innocently: “Anything you might want to let her know, if we catch up to her first, Kim?”
“Oh! Uh…” I didn't mean what I said. I miss you. Where have you been? When are you going to call me again?“… well…” I love you“… I guess, maybe, you could tell her…” I DIDN'T MEAN IT!“Oh… no. Nothing I guess. Oh! But, uh, lemme know if you find her or anything, all right? Just so… we won't have to worry about… y'know, any crimes or anything.”
“An eyewitness told us he'd seen her around the football stadium once…” Will added, just to double-check.
Kim blushed intensely and looked away, “Oh… uh… Really? I'll keep an eye out for her then. Y'know, when I'm there. Uhm… for football games an' stuff. Uh, if you need any help…”
“We'll keep you in mind, Kim. Good-bye.”
“Yeah. Please. Please do. Uh… 'bye.”
If there had been any doubts in Will's mind about Shego's story, they were gone now. He almost felt sorry for Kim, putting her through all that. But, well, that was his job.
Strike that. He DID feel sorry for her, job or no job.
“She's okay, Shego. I think she's missing you… A lot” he said in lieu of a greeting when he brought her dinner.
“She – she is? She does? You sure?”
“I'm sure. Uhm… wanna tell me why you don't want her to know you're here?”
“I already did, Secret Agent Man. You weren't listening. She's seventeen. Doy.”
“And she's been saving the world since she was 16. I think-”
“Not interested in what you 'think', Will. I 'think' I know her better than you, 'kay? She has issues. She needs time to… work things out. I'm giving her that.”
“Very noble” he offered.
“Bite me.”
“Uh-huh. You're the model of maturity, Shego.”
“Good-bye, Agent Du.”
Will made a show of tipping his non-existent hat, “Ms. Van Gogh.”
Being called into Dr. Director's office was no small thing, and as Will sweated it out in the secretary's office, he couldn't help getting a bad feeling about it. The only thing he could think of was that she wondered about his late-night card-reader entries – the ones he'd made sneaking Shego out of the compound. He didn't think anyone would notice those – people came and went at odd hours all the time. It might be odd… but surely not this odd…
“She'll see you now, Agent Du.”
He went in. The Director appeared to be studying some papers on her desk.
He nervously said, “Good morning, Dr. Director. I've brought this weeks report – I know you wanted it first thing tomorrow morning – with me so you-”
“You know, Will…” she said, straightening her papers and spinning her chair to face out the window, her back to him, “… the game of 'Good Cop / Bad Cop' can be tricky. Especially for the 'Good Cop'. One develops empathy with the subject. Sometimes even emotional attachment. It's only natural, in long-term interrogations like this one. I hope you're not becoming… attached… to Ms. Van Gogh.”
Of course he was becoming 'attached' to her. Shego was – or could be, anyway – witty, smart, even funny, in her sarcastic way. She was just cool. But he couldn't very well just say that…
“Attached in what way, Dr. Director?” he said, stalling.
“Romantically attached” she said, spinning to face him now. “Attached as 'kindred spirits', perhaps. Getting to be 'buddies'. Oh, I've seen it happen before. Your careers are intertwined – on opposite sides of the law. You both have many of the same interests, I imagine. Like the same sorts of things… Haven't you found that to be so?”
“Well… I suppose. To some extent.”
“Let's put the cards on the table. Do you like her, Will?”
After getting him all set to play word-games, now she wanted to be direct. It caught him off guard. That was sort of a specialty of The Director's. Will knew that his expression had already given him away.
“Yes.”
“More than like her?”
“She's an extraordinary woman, ma'am.”
“Yes. Yes she is. How far do you think you can take it, Agent Du?”
“Uhm…” he didn't even try to suppress his smile, “Not very. She's homosexual. AND she's already involved. With Kim Possible.” It felt good to watch her face drop into unprofessional mode, for a change.
“Gay? Shego is gay! With Kim? Kim…”
“Yeah”.
“Oh… Oh my word…” She'd thought about that possibility, but only as a joke. Now to find out it was real… well… truth really was stranger than fiction! She fought to contain un-Director-ish giggles. It wasn't easy.
“Perhaps you'd better tell me what's in that report now…”
“Yes ma'am.”
The Director only listened with one ear as she turned to face the window again, grinning widely. Kim and Shego. Sitting in a tree… No! Stop it! Must be professional! All right, so it's out of left field. Out of the ball-park, even. Somewhere across the street. She tried to concentrate on Will's report.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
Her mind still wandered though.
From time to time, something would catch her attention. For example - “Did you say married?”
“Yes, ma'am.”
“By who?”
“No one, ma'am.”
“So… but…” Dr. Director had to stop herself before she said 'and'. “Please carry on.” So with no one to perform the ceremony, and no one to see it, and no one to even know about it, Kim and Shego had staged a marriage for themselves. Okay. Okay… that was serious. First comes love, then comes marriage… STOP IT! She went back to grinning.
By the time Will had finished, The Director had herself back under control. Which was a good thing, as there was other business to attend to.
“So where did you take her and why, Agent Du…”
Another point to her – she'd done it again.
“To visit her father's grave. May I ask how you knew?”
“Didn't for sure. Until now. You must practice recognizing bluffs, Will. Really” she frowned at him. “What made you think she wouldn't escape? Surely you don't think you could have stopped her…”
“No, ma'am.”
“Then-”
“I don't know, ma'am.”
The Director paused. In this one case, 'I don't know' was exactly the right answer. She seldom got it, though. It was a surprise, especially coming from straight-laced Agent Du.
“You realize what would have become of your career if she had?”
“Yes, ma'am.”
“I don't think you quite do, Mister Du. It wouldn't have been just Global Justice, you know. Absolutely no one would have been willing to even be associated with you! Not Brinks, not Wells-Fargo, Middleton Mall Security… absolutely no one! Consorting with known criminals is the WORST thing any law-enforcement-”
She was interrupted by the secretary poking her head in through the door.
“Phone call for you, Dr. Director.”
Mildly incensed, The Director said icily, “Can't you see I'm in a-”
“He said you'd want to take it anyway. Said his name was Mr. Mister One?”
Dr. Director looked at Will to see if he made the connection – Senor Senior, Sr. Will showed absolutely no interest or concern. Aw… fuck. He knew then.
“Thank you, Cynthia. I'll take it in here. You're excused, Agent Du.”
“Yes, ma'am.” He turned to go.
“Will? This conversation never happened. You were never here.”
“Where, ma'am?”
“And wipe that smirk off your face.”
She watched him walk out, thinking my little Will Du… all grown up… ah well, they're so cute when they're young though.After he closed the door, Dr. Director picked up the phone - “Why do you always call at the worst possible times?”
By next week – the beginning of October, Shego was nowhere near as sure as she had been that she had made the right choice, keeping herself in seclusion from Kim. Which was worse – staying away from Kim long enough so that when they did meet again, Kim would KNOW for whether she wanted to pursue the relationship? Or tell Kim now, and go through living the next several years – she figured five, surely no more than ten – in jail, unable to see her except during visiting hours… It was a toss-up. Apparently Kim hadn't meant those things she'd said in the restroom at the stadium – but Shego's memory of them still stung anyway. The girl had problems. The girl needed to grow up.
And yes, Will was probably right about that 'model of maturity' crap. Shego had some thinking to do as well. She knew it. Issues with being in love. It made one vulnerable, and that was not something she knew how to deal with. Not now, not before, not ever.
Except… she had known, at one time. In that other world. She had known… something. It made her uncomfortable when she thought about that. What was it… think! What was it?
Well, easier to think of Kim needing to grow up. That didn't make her uncomfortable. Kim at 30 in her last dream had been… what? Different? How? She couldn't put her finger on anything specific, but there had been something. What exactly was Shego expecting from Kim during this long, painful wait? What did it mean, exactly, to “grow up”? To be able to make a commitment? To compromise over disagreements? To be able to live with… mistakes? That was a sobering thought. Who was – or would be – making the mistake? What mistake? When would it be too late to avoid it, whatever it was?
And besides, how was Shego supposed to know when Kim was “grown up” enough in the first place, without ever having contact with her? There were holes in her Plan… Big, wide, gaping, holes.
Please GOD don't let me screw this up… not this. Not this…
By the next week, Will could see that something was seriously wrong with Shego.
She did nothing but read, all day, and often all night as well. Sometimes she forgot to eat her meals. She said she couldn't be bothered, and blew up at him if he tried to take her away from her precious books. His weekly trips to the library became every-other-day, and then every day. It wasn't healthy. She no longer cared what books, either – as long as they weren't fiction. No one actually sits down and reads an encyclopedia, in order, cover to cover…
Her face showed what her reading hid: anxiety - to an insane degree. There were too many things that were too painful to think about. Besides Kim, her Plan, her father, her brothers, her self… They all got mixed up in her mind, and she'd given up trying to sort things out. So she hid in books, reading facts, intent on defeating time as if it were her enemy. Facts were calming. She didn't care what the facts were about, just as long as they were there.Facts by the millions, waiting for her to devour – and then forget.
“Shego… I'm calling Kim. You need to talk to her.”
“No you ARE NOT!” she screamed at him, to his complete shock. Without waiting for him to say anything else, she lit up a hand and grabbed the phone, which promptly melted into a puddle of gray plastic. “I'm doing this my way Will! Got it! MY fucking way! Not yours! You don't know squat about it anyway!”
Wisely, Will decided to push that idea any further, as obvious as it was. He sat down at the table to eat, watching her go back to her couch and the pile of books on the coffee-table. This couldn't be allowed to go on.
At least Shego had someone who knew what her problem was. With Kim, Ron could only guess.
“So… you skipped practice again yesterday, KP?”
“Yeah.”
“Feeling sick? Again?”
“I don't feel like talking.”
“Then I guess I don't need to hold your hand…”
“Ron… just – just stop it, okay?”
She'd been like that for days and days now. Ron would come over to her house and find her watching movies. He'd say for one. Two. When Kim popped in a third one, he'd leave. This was what Kim was all about now. Movies. TV. Endlessly. Action and comedy – never drama. It was obvious why – even commercials for long-distance companies would make her sniffle. Her tests at school were coming back with C and C+ on them.
Kim was falling apart, and everyone knew it. Except Kim herself – and whatever it was, she never wanted to talk to anyone about it. Although… there was one person she could talk to…
“Hey Kim!” Tara said, hanging back with her as the cheerleader squad headed off the practice field towards the locker-room, “Don't see ya around much anymore… everything okay?”
“Yeah. Fine. Everything's fine.”
“Everything doesn't soundfine. C'mon, Kim. Everyone knows something's up with you, is it-”
“I don't give a fuck what 'everyone knows', Tara! Gawd… it's my business, okay? 'Everyone' needs to stay the hell out of it.”
“Uh… okay…” Tara said, a little shocked at her foul language. Kim wasn't the kind to cuss because she thought it'd be “cool”. So it must be “serious”, then… “All right look – I'm gonna ask 'cuz I think I have to, even if you yell at me again. Does it have anything to do with your girlfriend you haven't seen in… what, nearly two months now?”
Kim's mind was in too much turmoil to answer. Of course it was – but that was nobody's business. Then again – she wished desperately to talk to someone… Shego, preferably. Shego absolutely. That was the whole problem. Where the FUCK is she? Why doesn't she even CALL me? What am I supposed to think? GodDAMN it, Shego! Well, hell. Tara would have to do.
Kim turned aside from the path that led to the school's doors, and motioned Tara into a brick-enclosed cubby hole that housed an electrical transformer.
“It's not just that I haven't seen her, Tara… I haven't heard from her, or about her or… or anything! I don't know if she's mad at me or avoiding me… or what. I mean… why would she… well, she might have a reason, but… I'm worried, Tara. I'm scared. Why hasn't she at least CALLEDme?”
Finally Kim was opening up, so Tara took her hand and tried to sound reassuring, “It's probably not whatever you're thinking, Kim. Maybe she had a family emergency, maybe she's off somewhere where there's no phones. Maybe her parent's found out she's gay and they're keeping her away from you. Uh… you never told me her name. Does she live here?”
“Uh… sort of…”
“Does she go to some other school?”
“No. No, she's… out of high school” Kim said, trying to imagine how Tara might react to the truth.
“College?”
“Her picture's in my locker, Tara.”
“You're locker? You mean, like those pictures of Dr. Drakken and Shego you – uh…”
“Yeah…”
“Oh. Oh my gaw- Oh my gaaawd! Shego? Your girlfriend is Shego!”
“Yeah.”
“… your arch enemy? The one you used to always fight and-”
“YES, Tara! I'm in love with Shego, all right? Believe me, I know how weird it is…”
“But… geez, she's like… I mean, she must be-”
“Twenty-two now.”
“Oh my gaaawd…”
“Y'know… I thought 'wow' was bad… you're getting on my nerves, Tara…”
“Oh… Oh, I'm-”
“Please don't say you're 'sorry'…” Kim interrupted.
“Oh. Uh… yeah. Okay. Uh… I just wasn't expecting… I mean, I was thinking that… uhm… it's not important. You, uh, said you guys were really close, huh?”
“I thought so…” Kim sighed heavily. Now she wasn't so sure. “Why hasn't she at least called Tara? We were… I thought we…” In less than five seconds, Kim had gone from nearly-pissed to nearly-crying. Tara hugged her.
“C'mon Kim… She's just hiding, is all. I mean… she's a criminal, right? She can't just drop by whenever she feels like it.” She patted Kim's back, “You'll hear from her soon. Maybe she's off stealing something and you'll get a call…”
Tara went on like that, offering suggestions to make Kim feel better. But Kim wasn't listening. Instead, she was feeling.
Feeling Tara's body against hers, their breasts pressed together. Feeling the warmth of Tara's arms around her, seeing through the blonde screen of her hair, inhaling the fragrance of her. She'd been here before… not with Tara, but… it was close. It was good. Tara was – close enough. She pressed her lips to the blonde cheerleader's neck, suckling and sniffing at the same time. Close enough…
It got Tara's attention. “Hey… Kim… Hey! HEY!” she yelled, pushing Kim away, “What the heck to you think you're doing?”
Kim had been in so deep and so fast that it took her a moment to remember where she was. Tara's lip-gloss didn't help… she had nice lips… it would be so good to… just…
“HEY!”
That finally snapped her out of it. “Oh… oh… Tara… I'm… oh god, I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry, Tara… uh…”
“Yeah, well… just watch it, okay? I mean… I know you're hurting, but…”
“Tara, please. I'm sorry. I… I'm just… see, the full moon is coming up soon. I'm… kinna scared…”
“Full moon? Why?”
“Uh… long story. Uhm… I just feel like… it's gonna be bad this time, is all. Tara? Uh… I know how this sounds – especially, y'know, now – but… uhm… Do you think you could spend the night at my house on Thursday? Just so… I can have someone to talk to, y'know? In case?”
After what had just happened, no, Tara didn't think that was such a good idea - “Uhm… I dunno Kim…”
“I'm not asking so that… Tara, I said I was sorry. I didn't mean anything… I just… uh… got carried away?”
“Yeah. Well. I suppose that's understandable…” she said, primping her hair and falling into a pose.
“If it makes ya feel any better, I'll ask Ron to come too. You like Ron?”
“He's okay. He just has this stupid idea that you count episodes by how they were shown on tv, and not by-”
“Okay Tara? No Snowman Hank talk, please? I get enough of that from him?”
That same day, Ron – desperate to say something to someone called up Wade. Wade, in turn quickly patched him through to Will Du's office, before he'd have to start lying too. Best leave that sort of thing to the professionals. That was one reason Wade preferred to interact with computers. You had to ask just the right questions… but at least they didn't lie.
“Agent Du…” Will said after the first ring.
“Yeah, Will? It's Ron. Stoppable. Uh, y'know, I'm Kim's-”
“I know who you are, Ron. How can I help you?”
“Oh. Sorry. Usually people… Uh, anyway… I'm sort of calling you behind Kim's back. She's… she's not acting right. Uhm… I think I know why, but I promised her I wouldn't say.”
“That's very helpful, Ron.”
“Yeah. Well. Uhm… have you folks heard anything from Shego lately? Uh… just wonderin'.”
“Do you think Shego has something to do with Kim's behavior, Ron?”
“Oh. Uhm… I dunno. Maybe?”
The boy obviously knew something – probably the same something Will did. But he'd promised not to tell, of course. How cute. But this wasn't the time to play with kids. If Kim was going through the same withdrawal-anxiety that Shego was, it could be serious.
“I'll tell you what I think, Ron. This is just between us, right?”
“Oh, yeah. Sure.”
“I think Kim and Shego have a thing going. I can't say how I arrived at this conclusion – police secret, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think – if I'm right – that might explain her acting the way she is?”
“Yeah. Yeah, it would. Absolutely.”
“Okay, Ron. Thanks for calling me. My sources also inform me that things may reach a new level sometime on Thursday, or perhaps the day after. You follow me?”
“Yeah. Thursday. I think so too.”
“You'll keep an eye on her – an especially close eye – that day? For me?”
“Yeah. Will do.”
“Pardon?”
“Uh… I'll do that.”
“Good. Keep your Kimmunicator handy. Call me if… she does anything she shouldn't.”
“Gotcha. Hey, Will – Agent Du, I mean… You never said if you heard anything from Shego…”
“Privileged information, Mr. Stoppable. I'm sure you understand.”
“Oh, yeah. Of course. Uh, okay. Good-bye.”
“Good-bye, Ron.”
“Hi, Ron!” Tara greeted him at the door of Kim's house on Thursday, “We're upstairs watching Cruise Control. C'mon up!”
Ron hadn't know that Tara would be there. It made him a little nervous – two lesbians and him, in Kim's bedroom. But really, this wasn't the night for that sort of thing. And besides, he thought, Tara was probably there for the same reason he was. Had Kim told Tara? Well, if she had, then she'd probably told Tara not to tell anyone, just like she'd told him not to. Sheesh. This “keeping secrets” business was for the birds…
“How's she doin'?” he asked following her up the stairs.
Tara stopped and look at him. How much did he know? Was he there for the same reason she was? “You know about the moon thing?” she asked. Subterfuge was not Tara's long suit.
“Uh… yeah. The moon comes up at 6:43. She's… nervous?”
“IS she? Gyah… She's not saying a word, just stares at the TV. Been that way since lunch. I hope she's gonna be okay…” Tara said, leading Ron up. He patted the leg-pouch of his cargo pants just to make absolutely sure he had his Kimmunicator with him. The door to Kim's room was closed. Inside, the curtains were drawn. Kim was sitting on the floor in her pajamas, her back against the bed, the TV blaring in her blank face. Was she even watching the car-chase? They both doubted it. “Kim? Ron's here!”
“How ya doin' KP?” he asked.
“Thanks… coming, Ron. I… I'm watching TV…”
“Kim?” Tara asked, “You never told me – what exactly happens when the full-moon comes up? You turn into a werewolf or something?”
Without taking her eyes off the television, Kim said, “…tell her… Ron. I… it's okay. Go ahead.”
Ron began telling the story.
“I'm gonna get another coffee. You?” Will asked.
“Mm-hmm” Shego replied.
“Uh… you haven't touched your last one…”
“Mmm.”
Will sighed. She barely even knew he was there. Was The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empirereally that interesting? He doubted it. He looked at his watch. Just after 5 p.m. Nearly two hours to go. He got stiffly off his chair and walked towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I told you: to get some coffee.”
“Oh. I want some too.”
“Shego… oh, all right. I'll bring another cup you can not drink.”
“What time is it?”
“Five-twelve. Still over-”
“Will? Uh… It's getting too close for… uh… Can't you go without for a few hours?”
“Read your book, Shego. I'll be back in less than five minutes.”
“What book?” she asked, then noticed it in her hand. She read the title in wonder - “Oh… 'The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire'. Volume II. Where's Volume I?”
“You finished it four hours ago.”
“I don't remember… Will, don't go all right? I… uh… I think I'm going crazy here. What time is it?”
He sat back down. “Five-thirteen, Shego. Okay. But look, why don't you take a break from the books… Talk to me instead.”
“You'll just ask a lot of questions. It's what you do. I don't-”
“Remember that time Dr. Drakken was threatening to melt down the Statue of Liberty with the giant laser? I sort of got the feeling your heart wasn't in that one. It was too easy for me. You must have known I'd drop in through the opening in the dome…”
“Oh. Yeah. Well, I didn't know it'd be you, of course… but yeah… not a plan I was really happy about or anything. I did sorta hope you guys would stop him.”
“Why?”
“C'mon, man! It's the Statue of fucking Liberty! It's history! It's art! It's even sort of a hot babe! Ya can't just go around destroying things like to 'prove your genius'! That's… that's just…”
“Mad?”
“Well, yeah. I made up for it though when you guys attacked the Fortress of Meat By-Products.”
“Yes… yes you did…”
“Was that you?”
“Of course. It must've been hard to tell, being as I was covered with chitlins when you-”
“Oh GOD! That WAS you, wasn't it? Oh god, that was SO funny…”
It wasn't easy, but Will kept it up for another two hours. They rehashed old missions, Shego told a few stories of things that Will had only read about in her dossier. She really was an incredible woman… and even had a sort of twisted – and subtle – sense of humor, which often - he began to realize - you couldn't see until you stepped away from the situation enough to appreciate the joke. Parachuting through the opening of the Death Ray's dome into a vat of pig intestines. Actually… that was kind of funny…
“I remember it was you when the we had the trained Jumping Leeches. Hope it didn't hurt. Much.”
Will chuckled, “Bastards could jump! I mean… who ever heard of 'jumping leeches'? Lucky, I had just enough fuel in my jet-pack to make it to the high-tension wires. Wanna guess how long I hung there?”
Shego was smiling at him, but her smile seemed frozen, suddenly. Or maybe the look in her eyes changed.
“Shego?” Will tried, wondering if it had actually happened, if she had actually remembered – or was in the process of remembering – something. “Shego? You all right?”
Everything was silent. Everything was always silent, now. The day before, as she'd cleared a spot in the barn, knotted the rope, and thrown it over the beam – at least she'd had something to do. And this morning, well, she made breakfast. Then she made lunch, even though it was all of 9 a.m. It was something to do. Then she went out and watered the plants in the greenhouse. Then she made her rounds of the generators and the pump-house. By the time she'd finished, it was 11 a.m., so she ate her lunch.
In silence.
Now she'd reached the point where there was nothing left to do. She sat in the living room, picked a historical-fiction novel, and opened it to the first page. Then she listened. Early winter – no birds, no insects, and on this particular day, not even the wind. Her ears tuned out the distant drone of the generators and left her with – silence.
If only-
“Shego?”
She jumped as if shocked electrically out of her chair – but she knew that the voice wasn't a voice, that it came from inside her head.
And she knew it would get worse. There was no chance it would ever get better now. She was alone.
Utterly, completely, irrevocably alone. Alone in the house, alone in Middleton, alone in Colorado, the United States, the hemisphere… her mind wandered, imagining what far-away places looked like now. An empty Paris. Australia deserted. The Caribbean isles she used to vacation on – all dead, all lonely. Shego thought she was the only person on Earth. No matter where she'd go, it would always just be her, now. Alone. Silent.
If only-
If only it had been her instead of Kim – but she knew that was selfish. She wouldn't wish this experience on Kim… not in a million years of loneliness would she do that. Yes. Better it WAS her then Kim. At least Kim didn't have to go through this.
If only they'd stayed TOGETHER!
Shego hung her head. She'd gone over all this before, over and over and over it. And when she lifted her head back up, none of the wishing made a difference. It never would.
Fuck this.
She left the house, heading for the barn. The only sound was her footsteps on the dry, dead grass. She went into the barn, and for some reason, closed the door behind her. It just seemed like… she should. Maybe the loose, weathered door could shut out the world out there. The dead, lonely world. Or maybe the door would just hide her from it. Just for a while. Long enough.
Inside the barn, she had to pause to let her eyes adjust to the dim light. This was it, then. She was going to do it. She stared at the noose. Soon her empty body would be hanging there. Forever. The rope would probably rot in, oh, six or seven years? Would her skeleton hold together that long, or would some gust of wind shake the barn enough to let her bones fall to the ground before then. Well, she wouldn't be there to care, anyway. And no one would ever find her – because there was no one to look. No one cared that she was doing this. Really, she didn't either. So this was it, then.
Who cares? No one.
She walked toward the ladder under the noose, unconsciously flipping up the collar of her jacket against the cold. She felt the necklace that held her wedding ring, and stopped. No. No… don't think about it. DO NOT think about her! Goddamnit… not NOW!
She took the necklace off mechanically as she tried desperately to keep her mind from wandering to Kim, but fleeting images danced through her head anyway. Kim smiling, Kim laughing, Kim making faces at her for one reason or another. A lot of the images were just her face when she didn't know Shego was looking at her. Kim reading. Kim eating.
Kim sleeping…
She hung the necklace on a nail without looking and kept walking slowly towards the ladder.
She had taken it off because she didn't want anything connected with Kim to be a part of this, but she didn't know that. She wasn't even aware she'd taken it off at all. She climbed the ladder.
Kim had once fallen off this ladder, she remembered. Well, how ironic, because Shego never would.
She put the noose around her neck.
So this is what it all comes to… Nothing.
It figures.
Shego didn't know whether there was an “after life” or not. It seemed like it would be too good to be true that there could be. She wasn't counting on it. In her heart she might have hoped there would be – but her heart had grown cold. All Shego hoped for was that it would end. That's all. Just let it end. She pushed off from the step-ladder.
A fall of four feet – she'd looked it up. The rope tightened sharply, painfully around her neck, burning through the skin as the noose tightened. The knot pushed hard against the side of her head as she reached the end of her fall.
That was supposed to break her neck.
The beam broke instead. A foot thick oak beam. Broke as if it were styrofoam. Shego fell to the floor, feet-first, collapsing there like a mannequin. Rope fell across her body, then sawdust floated down. Shego opened her eyes and looked up at the beam, broken, back-lit with sunlight streaming through the holes in the roof above it. Like a desolate, broken-down cathedral. And for the second time in her life, she felt like something she couldn't comprehend was watching her. Not judging, not making things happen – just watching.
What…
What, can't I even do THIS? Everything – EVERYTHING else is gone and I'm not even allowed to do THIS? WHY THE FUCK NOT?
She got up, carefully – and painfully – removed the noose from her neck, and left the barn.
Without waiting for an answer.
“KIIIM!” Shego screamed as she lept off the couch. It was a dream. It was a memory. Kim was here! Not here…but…
“Shego! Shego, what-”
She whirled at Will, or whoever he was. Panic covered her face, her breath came in short, fast pants - “I need… where…” she said haltingly, but then just screamed again, “KIIIIIM!”. Talking to this man, and where she was, didn't really matter. One thing mattered, and that was all.
“KIIIM!”
Will lept up and grabbed her shoulders, “Shego! Listen to me! Kim isn't here, Shego! She's at home! She's safe at home!”
She stared crazily into his eyes, barely comprehending, “At home?”
“Yes. Her home. With her family. She's-”
“I gotta get to her! I gotta see her! You… you gotta take me!”
“Shego – remember why you're here. You're her for Kim's sake. Do you know where you are?”
“I… She's at home?”
“REMEMBER where you are, Shego! Remember why you're here! Now c'mon… take a breath. Where are we?”
“We… you're… Will! You gotta get me out of here! I need her! I need her Will…”
There, finally, was what Shego had forgotten, the missing part of her relationship, the thing she couldn't remember – or perhaps didn't want to admit. Need. She brushed his hands off her shoulders and began pacing back and forth, the length of her apartment-like cell. Eight paces, window to couch.
“I can't get you out that quickly, Shego. But I can bring her here.”
She stopped. “You can?”
“Yes, Shego. I can bring her here. It'll take… maybe half an hour.”
“Half an hour? I… I need her NOW!”
“Half an hour, Shego. If I go now. But you have to promise me something. You have to promise me you won't… DO anything! Just hold on, just wait. I'm gonna go get her. Can you hold on for half an hour?”
“I… Will… Well for god's sake GET GOING!”
“Keep pacing Shego. Remember why you're staying here. Don't blow it now. I'm going.”
At the same time – exactly – Kim's memory surfaced in her mind.
She'd been sitting at her desk when the radio had started to beep – Shego's signal that she needed help. It had never been used before. A chill ran down Kim's back. She remembered tripping over her own feet in her rush to get out of the house, and then finding Shego in the barn, bent over the head of the machine-lathe, blood spurting from her body.
There had been a moment of panic – unusual for Kim Possible – before she'd kicked herself into gear. From then she was all the professional – nothing on her mind except what to do and how to do it and with what. No time to think. Time to flow with what made Kim who and what she was.
And once Shego was freed from the cruel, sharp wires – still in the flow – what to do now? Kim remembered wondering what she could do for her – and then instantly discarding the thought that she might be able to do anything at all. Shego needed professional help. Shego needed to go home.
Kim would take her there. She would do what she couldn't do before because the thought of living in the Real World – with Shego – had been too frightening. She would do it without a second thought about “fright”. Shego needed her to.
Would the Beacon even work?
Would Shego be able to light up the Signature Extractor in her condition?
Would Shego LIVE long enough to make it at all?
Kim didn't ask the questions. She just did her stuff.
And – IT HAD WORKED!
They'd appeared back in the World good as new! From this universe's point-of-view, hardly any time had passed at all! Kim understood now. That is what had happened! Theoretically, they shouldn't be able to remember things that happened in the Other World – but obviously, some of those theories were wrong. Maybe they couldn't remember everything… but they were remembering enough.
Somehow, they remembered each other.
Somehow, they remembered how they were.
Somehow – and maybe cold Science would neverknow how – they remembered what they had.
And now they would have again. Because it didn't disappear, it didn't cease to exist, it wasn't part of that universe – it was a part of them. It always would be.
But where the FUCK is she!
The previous foggy turmoil in her brain was gone – she had a Purpose now, she knew what it was, she knew what she had to do. Kim was in the flow again – all her resources tuned to one goal – Find Shego.
“Ron – get on the Kimmunicator and call Wade – he's not telling us something. Don't take no for an answer. Scare the shit out of him if you have to – I'll leave that up to you. I'm going to change – we're going to the GJ compound. I'm going to talk to Dr. God-Damned Director personally. Tara. Uh… I'm sorry, Tara, but no time to talk. Thanks for being here for me – now I've got work to do. Ron? Where's your Kimmunicator? Come ON Ron – get it in gear!”
“Oh… uh… yeah. I got it right here” he said, still stunned by her change in character and her choice of language, “So… you got a memory or-”
“DAMN it Ron!” she yelled at him, already stripping off her clothes in front of him, not caring, “We don't have time for this! Get Wade on the line NOW!We'll talk later - MOVE!”
Ron punched in Wade's code.
Wade was there, of course. Wade was always there. “Hey, Ron” he said a little nervously, “What's the sitch?”
“Wade, we need – and I mean seriously – to find-”
Ron was interrupted when Wade's soda-slurping image was suddenly replaced by Agent Will Du's face bobbing up and down on the screen. “Ron! Is Kim with you?”
“Uh…” Ron took a moment to shift mental gears, “Yeah. Yeah she's right here. You wanna-”
“You're at her house?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Keep her there. Has she had her dream yet?”
“How'd you know?” Ron asked, puzzled. What did Agent Du know about the dreams?
“Never mind that. Is she anxious to see Shego?”
“Uh, yeah. You could say that. I mean, yes. Very.”
“Okay, tell her I'm coming via helo to bring her to Shego. Get her dressed if she isn't. I'll be there in… about ten minutes. Front lawn. Du out.”
Wade's surprised face reappeared on the screen. “Wow. He… he cut me off! No one's ever cut me off before… What was it you wanted me to find?”
“Uh… never mind Wade. Ron out.”
Tara's eyes were shifting back and forth between the two of them as she watched the show. This was SO COOL!
From her closet, muffled by the sweater she was pulling over her head, Kim said, “Ron! What'd you find out? Where are we heading?”
“KP – we're not heading anywhere. Will Du is on his way here in a helicopter. He's gonna take you to Shego. It's okay.”
Kim froze, her head still still inside the black sweater, “He… he's coming to take me to her?”
“That's what he said. Uh… did you tell him about the dreams? He knew about the dreams…”
“No. No I didn't… did you – no. Shego. Shego did. She must have! He knows where she is!”
“Yeah. Apparently. How-”
Ron was cut off as Kim hugged him so hard his breath was squeezed out.
Kim was pacing back and forth on the drive way as Will landed in her front yard. As is often the case, knowing that something was getting closer only made her that much more anxious for it to get there. She ran to the helicopter and jumped in before Will had even touched the skids to the ground. She buckled up and said, “Okay, c'mon c'mon… let's go… let's go!”
Ron looked at Tara, waiting on the front steps with him, “Tara? You wanna come? I guess it'd be all right.”
“In that thing? Oh, I don't think so! Uh-uh. No way. This girl needs ground under her feet. Nuh-uh. Ain't gonna happen…”
“You're afraid of flying?”
“Call it whatcha want, Ron. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Oh, this is SO romantic!”
“Yeah… okay. See ya, Tara.” Ron said, running for the chopper, which was already spinning up for take-off.”
He sat next to Kim in the back, she was looking out the window. Now that she had nothing to do but wait and ride, she could think. Some of her thoughts weren't so happy…
She had no idea how Shego felt about her, was the problem. In her anxiety to find her wife, Kim just assumed that Ron had asked Will to bring her – she had no idea whether Shego wanted to see her or not.
What if she didn't?
Shego hadn't had the marriage memory, as far as Kim knew. She'd had the rescue memory – which Kim could now confirm with her own version of the events, their first shared bit of information about the other world. But when Shego had told her about that… did she realize… how they were? She tried to remember how she sounded, playing the conversation over in her head. Did Shego know? How they were… supposed to be?
Did… did she have any sexual memories? Kim had only the one – and it wasn't at all what she hoped it would be. Surely it couldn't be like that. The way Shego had been in the restroom at the stadium… that was how she'd hoped it would be, Kim only just now realized. Why couldn't Shego have waited – a while – before doing that? Made an event out of it? It could have been so… much more than it was.
That had been shortly after Kim had her dream about Shego and the dogs. She wondered what Shego's dream was for that month… Of course! She had a sex dream! THAT'S why she was so… eager! God, Doc… why didn't you TELL me! Maybe we could have… What? Arranged something? Kim sighed. No… left to herself, Kim probably wouldn't have been ready until – well, she probably still wouldn't be ready. I'm an idiot Doc, she thought to herself, I'm sorry you married an moron. Can we get past that and just… be like we were? Please?
Please…
The closer they got, the more sullen Kim became. Ron noticed, but couldn't say anything over the roar of the helicopter blades. Will was flying for speed, not stealth, and the sonic-booms from the blade-tips drowned out any possibility for conversation. He held her hand, but she didn't seem to notice.
The connection was getting stronger, the need for each other more intense, and the fear of each other's rejection greater. By the time Will landed on the helipad atop the GJ Admin building, Kim was terrified. Too much was at stake. The wrong answer would be to devastating to take. She didn't want to find out. Not really. Not now.
It was affecting Shego too. Pacing back and forth in her tiny apartment, alone, and Kim was out there, somewhere. Probably at home. Maybe the stadium. There weren't a lot of likely locations. If only she could get out, steal transportation of some sort – preferably something airborne. Look for her. Will said he was going to get her but… how long ago was that? So where the fuck WAS HE then! Bastard would probably show up in his own sweet time… probably hadn't left the damn building yet!
At the window end of the room, she grabbed the closed curtains and pulled them down, rod and all. Step one.
She walked to the far end of the room, and turned around. She had to get out… she had to find Kim… Kim wasn't dead. Shego wasn't alone. Kim was out there. Outside that barred window. She lit up.
Fuck her plan. Her plan was stupid anyway. She was just going to wait there for five years or so… God! What an idiot! The whole premise – an idyllic life, no longer a criminal, her slate cleaned. Living amongst the Civilians – with Kim – as one of them. As if. A house together somewhere… maybe in the country. Coming home to find her there, being there when she came home.
One good blast oughta do it. Simple, easy, quick. She wanted to badly to just do something, and she'd been put in a position of helplessness. Well, fuck helpless. Shego doesn't DO helpless!
From the walls of the courtyard opposite, snipers aimed through the window at the potential escapee. They knew who she was. They knew what she could do. They also had the drop on her. No chance, Shego… you have no chance whatsoever…
She stood there, hand's raised and encased in bright green plasma. Will had told her not to do anything. He'd also said he'd be right back, though… so-
“Shego! Shego I'm back!” Will threw open the door and instantly surveyed the situation. Shego was just about to blast her way out – or try to, anyway. The door was a little more than halfway between the window and the back of the room, and he could see three laser dots dance on her chest. He knew what the snipers orders were. She'd be dead before the fireball even left her hands. “I brought Kim, Shego!” he stepped into the laser beams and waved the snipers off. “Kim! Kim, c'mon in!”
If Ron hadn't been holding on to her, Kim might well have turned and fled. This was not right. This was not good. Will yelling, the green light spilling from the open door – that was Shego's light. After coming all this way, she dreaded facing the woman she loved. Who might not love her. 50/50. Sometimes that's unacceptable.
“Kim… c'mon. She's right inside…” Ron said calmly. He knew that the last thing Kim needed right now was even more of a sense of urgency. He gently led her through the door. She didn't resist, but neither did she go willingly. It was like leading a zombie.
Shego didn't look. She just kept staring at the window, hands afire.
She didn't need to look. Kim was there. She could feel it. Her whole world hung on the thread of what would happen in the next few seconds, and she knew it. She was afraid.
Kim looked at Shego. This was not good.
Shego turned her head to look at Kim. The thread tightened.
Will and Ron watched.
Shego lowered her arms, but forgot to turn off her plasma. There she was: Kim was here. What was she thinking? What was she afraid of? Was the answer no? Was the dream just… just a dream, after all?
She took one unsure step in Kim's direction.
Shego was coming for her, hands aglow, Kim saw. That meant one thing: fight. This woman hated her – Kim knew that feeling. She instinctively started to go into her defensive crouch, bringing her hands out in front.
Shego saw. Kim was doing what Kim always did – just like… before. She was going to defend herself against Shego. Question answered. No music for Shego.
It figures.
Shego's eyes subtly betrayed her horror. The thread was going to break.
Perhaps no one else could have detected what shown in Shego's eyes – but Kim could. The girl who's only super-power was thinking fast realized what was happening in a blinding flash of insight - dropping her posture, she began to run towards Shego, arms out.
The same flash that shown from Kim's mind lit up Shego's heart.
The thread their worlds had hung from ceased to exist as their arms closed around each other. Reunion. Completion.
Fulfillment.
Their hug went on a long time, the two girls silent but for the occasional sniffle, as Will and Ron watched. Their hands didn't even move on each other's backs. It was as if they were frozen together like that.
For Will, this was proof. Proof that he'd been right, that his hunch, his instinct, had been true. Trusting in Shego's apparent change-of-heart, in what he saw as her “genuineness” had been by far the biggest gamble of his career - perhaps of his life. And he had been RIGHT!
He nodded to Ron, catching his eye, and waved him towards the window. Together, they lifted the curtain-rod back up onto it's brackets. Then they left, and Will closed the door gently behind him.
“Do you drink coffee, Mr. Stoppable?”
“Uh…”
“Then it's time you started. Come with me.”
As Will was pouring their second cup of coffee, Kim and Shego were still embraced, but forehead-to-forehead now, just staring. They still hadn't said a word to each other. Like a lost Legionnaire dying of thirst, and finally coming to an oasis that's not an illusion, they'd drunk their fill, but still couldn't stop drinking. They were drinking in each other's presence. It was what they'd needed, and they hadn't even known it.
They knew it now.
And they each knew that the other knew, too.
This was how it was going to be. Shego, so proud of her independence, was going to need Kim for the rest of her life. Kim, so concerned about what people thought of her, was going to be with Shego. There were no questions, no wrinkles to be ironed out. That's how it was going to be. That's how it had to be.
But there was one thing left to say – for Shego to say. She wasn't going to screw it up this time - “Kim, will you marry me?”
Kim's eyes shifted, her lips parted. Shego knew instantly what it meant – and really, that wasn't important.
“I don't mean right now,” Shego added, “I mean… whenever you're ready.”
“Yes, Shego.”