Kim, Shego, Raven, Beast Boy, and Cyborg were playing a card game in one of the ‘bedrooms’ of The Cage when Robin, Ron, and Starfire walked in. Beast Boy looked up. “So who's the corpse of the day?”
“Val-Yor,” answered Robin.
Cyborg looked blank for a second. “Well, that's not much of a loss.”
“I don't even want to know what they did to get his face to look like that…” said Ron. “By the way, who was that guy, anyway?”
Starfire looked away. “He was an -- ass.”
“Oh, one of those guys. Yeah, we tend to meet a lot of those nowadays, don't we?”
“We haven't met anyone for three months,” Raven quipped.
“Nah, that's not true,” said Shego. “I've met Kai, Cron, Thunder, Lightning, Aqualad, Tramm, Sammy, Cash, Soto, that alien dog, Spike, that decapitated body of the clone of Terra, Speedy, Hotspot, Wildebeest, that Larry kid, Bumblebee, Mas y Menos, Sarasim, that old woman Robin trained with-”
“Okay, Sheegee, we - we get the point,” Kim cut her off.
“Yeah,” said Cyborg, “But all of em were pushin’ up daisies faster than a bird on British TV. I wanna meet someone still alive.”
Shego shrugged. “Enh. I'd never run into em before.” Something happened in the card game that she was not fond of. “Aw!” She tried to glare at Kim – but those damned eyes…. So she stuck her tongue out at Kim instead.
It was then Ron noticed the card game. “Hey, where'd the cards come from?”
“I always carry a deck around,” Kim shrugged. “No real reason, really - I just always have.”
“I see.”
“Wanna join the next game?” Beast Boy asked.
Ron was indifferent. “Depends. Watcha’ playin’?”
“At this point? 5-person War,” Kim answered.
“Enh, sure, why not?” Ron shrugged.
Raven apparently won the game right after he spoke. “Aww!” cried Beast Boy.
Cyborg picked up the cards. “Your turn to shuffle, BB.” Beast Boy, grumbling, arranged all the cards in a nice deck - but a laser from the roof fired down onto the makeshift table they were using as he was about to split the deck. The deck was instantly disintegrated.
“What th- aw, man!” moaned Beast Boy.
Shego contemplated what had just happened. “Well…fuck.”
“War is wrong, children.” It was Slade. He’d appeared on one of the three monitors outside The Cage.
“We are not all children!” Shego reminded him, knowing full well he didn’t give a fuck.
“Oops. My bad. But really, I can't letyou all lapse into actually enjoying your stay here. It just wouldn't be me.”
“We will get out of here,” Kim growled. “I can promise you that much. We will get out of here.”
Drakken butted in on the monitor. “And if you do manage to get free, just exactly where will you go afterwards?”
“W - uh…” Kim stammered. He did have a point. There was nowhere to run to if they did get out. The Titans’ city, Middleton, Go City, Steel City…They’d be killed on the spot in all of those places.
“Crap- why must they always point out things that we haven't gotten to yet?” chastised Ron.
“Cause we did the same thing to them every time we “humiliated” them?” Robin answered what he knew Ron already knew but had just spouted off anyways.
Aviarius cut into the monitor. “That would be correct, Bird Boy!”
“Wow.” Raven’s voice was very dry. “They're finishing each others’ sentences. They're a real team now…”
“Why thank you, Raven.” Brother Blood was now on the monitor. It was as if the villains were on a circular couch that had been placed on top of a kiddie playground merry-go-round. “Most kind of you.”
Starfire was feeling particularly agitated. Had she not been in The Cage, her eyes would have been glowing green as she spoke. “I would prefer we, “cut the crap here.” You have contacted us for a reason, no? Please, tell us this reason, then we would rather you, as they say, “shut the fuck up” and ‘go the fuck away.’”
“Yeah, you tell em, Starfire – with the, you know, cursing and all…” Ron trailed off.
Aviarius returned to the monitor. “Harsh words - but yes! We have just called to inform you of a few security upgrades to The Cage, in case you were still thinking you could somehow get out! We have doubled the number of cameras monitoring the room, tripled the number of microphones we have The Cage bugged with, and from now on - this is my favorite addition – an entire legion of my best heat-seeking hummingbirds are lying in wait just outside the barrier of the 5 optical-tripped laser grids you'd have to get past if you had a chance of escaping!” the birdbrained villain cackled.
“Dude, that is so overkill…” Beast boy grumbled.
Drakken appeared again. “I believe it was a certain person – Ron –who told Kim, ‘Isn't that the idea?’”
Ron crossed his arms. He had to have brought that up. “Oh, yeah, sure - remember my name from the time I – accidentally - went bad…” he said with a hint of higher-than-normal level of anger.
“Ron? Bad?” Raven looked at Ron.
“Yeah,” said Shego. “Surprisingly, he was actually better at being bad than Drakken was.”
Slade had reappeared on the monitor. “Hmmph. That's hardly an achievement.”
“What was that?” Drakken’s voice was heard in the background.
Brother Blood reappeared next. “But you do you wanna know who's even better at being bad than your buddy?”
“Ok, can we just stop with the riffs on what happened in the past – please?” asked Ron.
Aviarius reappeared. “And here with the daily report of the advancements we've made in conquering more of the world, we present to you:”
Wade's face filled up the monitor on the left.
“Wade.” Kim’s voice was not cheery.
“Wade.” Shego was glaring – and damn, could she glare.
“Wade.” Ron’s voice was not particularly happy either.
Rufus finished the quartet, popping out of Ron's pocket, angrily chittering the equivalent of “Wade.”
“Yeah, exactly, ol’ buddy –” Ron said, putting Rufus back in his pocket – and feeling something soft and squishy in there. “Aw, dammit, Rufus! You know there's a bathroom for you to take a shit in! Aw, jeezus…” Rufus chittered the equivalent of “Oh ho, sorry…”
Wade ignored them and began: “Atlas, Mammoth, Cinderblock, and have run over Germany.Adonis, Motor Ed, Punk Rocket, and JohnnyRancid are victorious in Northern Ireland - and they, quote, “like,seriously rolled over the Middle East like a magic carpet bomb - seriously.” Katarou & Monkey Fist have taken the Japanese islands of Hokkaido, Shikoku, and Kyushu - and are preparing their assault on the main island, Honshu. Killer Moth and DNAmy's combined CuddleBunnyand moth army has razed Australia, New Zealand, and Tanzania. Professor Dementor & the HIVE Four have the northern part of Africa under their control - mostly through negotiations.”
“Good.” Slade seemed to nod. “At least someone has the sense to not use violence when unnecessary…”
“Wait - HIVE Four?” asked Cyborg.
Once again, Wade ignored him. “Malchior, Mumbo, Jinx, and Mother Mae-Eye have taken Canada in the last hour.”
“Oh.” Now Cyborg got it. “Never mind.”
Wade acted as if he hadn’t heard a thing. “Assault on Mexico to begin in the next few days. Gill, Fang, Plasmus, and Falsetto Jones’ special litter of Camp Wannaweep-raised Lithuanian Wolfhounds have India under control - except for Calcutta, but they will end the siege and invade if the Government does not agree to all measures of their treaty.”
Beast Boy snorted. “Hmmph. Some ‘treaty’.”
Again, Wade ignored him. “Dr. Light and Duff Killigan took Scotland quite easily-”
“Whoahwhoah - Duff Killigan and who?” Shego cut in.
Raven sighed. “Dr. Light.”
“Going from the name there,” Kim asked, “How would they be able to take over anything?”
Drakken appeared on the first monitor. “You ever try moving an army forward through the middle of a blindingly lit driving range, where all the golf balls the golfers are hitting at you explode?”
Kim thought about it. “Nope, can’t say I have.”
“Wow,” said Ron. “Drakken made a good point!”
“Gh-shut up, Buffoon!” Drakken shot back.
Slade cut back into the monitor. “Wade - continue, please. I believe you were almost finished, no?”
In the second monitor, Wade nodded. “Billy Numerous, Trident, and Kardiak have taken all of South America except Chile, but they expect it within the week. Control Freak, Fen, Frugal Lucre and Malcolm the Wraithmaster have the Internet hostage. Mad Mod took France and Poland with no battle - but he said he had to kill Kitten, for being ‘too much of a bloody bitch.’”
Starfire’s ears perked up at the name “Kitten.”
Wade stood up, and bowed off the screen. “That is all, Master.”
“Good, Apprentice. You may depart.” The monitor Wade was on returned to the image of Middelton partially aflame. “So, Starfire-” Slade continued, “How does getting some revenge feel? And please be honest.”
Starfire would’ve blasted the monitor right then and there were she not in The Cage. “What have you done to Wade?”
“Who? Me? I did nothing. You did everything. Now, I must go. Ta-ta.” The monitor he was on returned to the image of Jump City partially aflame.
The flock of heat-seeking hummingbirds surrounding The Cage watched Beast Boy glare at the monitors, then look back the other way at something Kim and Shego were talking about.
As he did, a shadow moved above the monitors towards them.
Before the heat-seeking hummingbirds could even react, red goo, moving at machine-gun speed, splatted them all up against the wall. The birds could make no sound, as their whole bodies had been covered.
END ACT TWO