As he looked at the menu Ron’s mind went back to earlier comment by Shego. If the Kim who currently said she loved Shego reverted back to loving him, was he man enough to handle two Kims?
As he pondered the question everyone froze in tableau position and a middle-aged man in a suit styled to the late 1950s stepped out from behind a potted palm and addressed the fourth wall.
“Submitted for your approval. Ronald Dean Stoppable, perhaps the luckiest schlemiel on earth. He loves a beautiful shiksa, who surprisingly loves him. Welcome to a dimension beyond sight and sound, beyond reason and sanity. Ron’s world has turned upside down when the woman he loves has, in the terminology of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Gondoliers, become bisected -- with one of them in love with her former worst enemy. What will happen when she also realizes that Ron is the man she loves? That’s the signpost up ahead. Your next stop, The Ronald Zone.”
Everyone became animated again. “Was I the only one who saw him?” Ron asked.
“The dead guy.”
“You see dead people?” Kim asked. He nodded.
“That can’t be good,” Mrs. Dr. Possible said, “I may need you in to the hospital so I can run a brain scan.”
“Do you think you’ll find one?” Shego asked.
“Never mind,” Ron muttered, “let me get back to the good stuff.” He looked down at the menu and pretended to read.
“I love you,” Kim said.
“We both love you,” the other Kim said as she began unbuttoning his shirt.
“We can’t live without you,” the first added, as she undid his belt. “And so we agreed to share you. You don’t mind, do you?”
Ron’s throat was dry, but he managed to croak, “Not at all.”
“You’re so good to us, Ron,” a Kim said as she pulled off her cheerleader top.
“So, very, very, good to us,” the second said as she pulled off her cheerleader top. “We promise to be good to you.”
“Which of us do you want first?” one asked eagerly as she began to unsnap the other Kim’s bra.
“Make up your mind,” Kim hissed.
Startled, Ron asked “What?”
“The waiter is here and wants to take your order.”
Ron ordered the porterhouse, garlic mashed potatoes, and julienne green beans. He had hopes of returning to his daydream after the waiter left, but Kim's mom demanded her husband explain his theory on what had happened to their daughter.
“I think it ought to be obvious what happened,” he told them. “We have an obvious case of Transporter Syndrome here.”
“Sure it happens every other season. Someone is beaming down to a planet, or up, and something goes wrong with the transporter and we end up with a duplicated person. I remember the first time it happened. Captain Kirk was--”
“Yes. Anyway, when it happened to Captain Kirk--”
“You're confusing Star Trek and real life again, aren't you?”
“I don't know what you mean,” he said defensively. “Everything I know about rocket science I learned from Star Trek.”
“Does this have anything to do with the loss of those two Mars landers?” Shego wondered.
Kim's father began to relate other transporter malfunctions, to the discomfort of his wife and daughter(s).
“He's got a real fixation, doesn't he?” Shego asked.
“Yeah,” Kim grudgingly admitted.
Shego whispered, “Can anything be done about it?”
Visuals go wavy, indicating a flashback is beginning.
Kim had found the uniforms for Yeoman Rand, Nurse Chapel, and Lieutenant Uhura in the back of her mother's closet by accident when she was looking for a jacket.
“Mom, what's with the Star Trek stuff? I didn't know you were a Trekkie too.”
Her mother had blushed a surprisingly deep shade of red, “I, uh, got those for a costume party years ago. Just forget about them.”
The request to forget about it had seemed odd to Kim, until a furnace repairman made a mistake while fixing the duct work almost a year later and the sounds from her parents’ bedroom came into hers.
“Nurse Chapel, I'm afraid I'll need to take your temperature.”
“If those are the Captain's orders. That is a most unusual thermometer you have there…”
Kim put a pillow over her head and tried hard to ignore the sounds.
The next night Captain Kirk was with Yeoman Rand.
The day after that Kim threatened the furnace repair company with a nasty letter to the Better Business Bureau if the duct work wasn't fixed properly and immediately.
And Kim resolved she would never, under any circumstances, ask to borrow the costumes.
The visuals go wavy again as the flashback ends and we return to the table at the House of Dead Cow.
Kim blushed crimson. “Nothing can be done about the Star Trek fixation. Just forget about them, okay?”
Jean Possible actually listened to her husband's idea, showing the sort of remarkable woman she truly was, before giving her opinion on his theory. “Odd as it may sound I think your father’s transporter malfunction theory makes as sense as anything else. If that was what happened it would mean you are both originals,” she told the Kims.
“It doesn’t explain why she’s queer.” Kim pointed out.
“That might be the result of the love potion and her proximity to Shego—”
“Well, in the original case,” James explained, “one of the Kirks was indecisive while the other one was a bully –”
“I'll take the bully, Stoppable. You can have the indecisive one.”
“How come you get first choice?”
“Fine, you take the bully… Oh, wait, you already have her. OW!”
Shego rubbed the shin Kim had kicked. “You know, much as I love the real you, I have some tensions left from the years when we were fighting each other. I’d be happy to transfer all the hostility to you.”
“And I’ll be happy to accept it.”
“Perhaps something like the Star Trek transporter accident happened, with one Kim receiving the part which was attracted to women and—”
“No part of me liked women,” Kim objected.
Kim rebuked her, “Stop telling me what I was like.”
“Almost no one is one hundred percent one way, or one hundred percent the other way,” her mother said. “Most people have some feelings in both directions, although one will usually be stronger than the other.”
“And the ones who get obnoxious about how straight they are are probably insecure in their own sexual identity,” Shego added.
“That’s ridiculous,” Kim responded. “I never liked girls. And I can’t accept that transporter idea. I’m sure one of us is a clone.”
“Well, the evidence suggests that if there is a clone it is probably you,” her father pointed out. “Warmonga could have scanned Kim’s brain during her fight with Shego and used it to program you.”
“But I can’t be a clone. I have all my memories.”
“If you are a clone you are the same as my daughter at the moment when she was scanned.”
“Okay, we're both originals,” Kim muttered. “But it was the love potion that screwed her up. I never had any interest in girls.”
“Just keep telling yourself that,” Kim told her. “Lies are so much more comforting than the truth.”
“Quiet,” Jean Possible ordered. “You two can decide how you want to work at both being Kim until we find some way to bring you back together--”
“I don't want to be with that,” Kims said together.
“Fine, then you'll establish your own identities and stop talking in stereo. Meanwhile, I want to know what is going on with Shego. I'm not used to eating with a felon.”
“Uh, technically I'm not a felon,” Shego explained. “Only a felon after a conviction.”
“Well then, you're not a felon yet--”
“And she won't be one,” Kim interrupted. “I called in some favors while we were flying back from Bortel's lab and Monday she's turning herself in at the Federal Court House. She's going to turn state's evidence and get an amnesty or maybe a pardon. She'll be released on bail.”
“You wasted favors on her?” Kim protested.
“Betty Director thinks I'm a genius for getting her to surrender.”
“Okay,” their mother interrupted. “Kim, I'm a little concerned about what you've been doing with Shego. The two of you just met--”
Shego broke in, “Another technicality, I'm not sure if that is correct. I mean, we haven't exactly had a warm and supportive relationship, but we've know each other for years.”
“And you and dad only have yourselves to blame for our showering together,” Kim finished.
“We're to blame?”
“You gave me lots of instruction on saying ‘no’ to a boy, or how to knee him in the crotch if he came on too strong.” Ron winced at the thought. “You told me I should save myself for marriage. Well you never told me what to do if I fell in love with a woman. And we can't exactly wait for marriage.”
Jean sighed, “Your father and I will discuss what we think is appropriate for you. Meanwhile,” she said, turning to the green woman, “ah, do we call you ‘Shego’?”
“It is something of a professional name, but yes, use it please.”
“This ‘change’ is something of a radical transformation for Kim. It disturbs her father and me… Well, me anyway. Is this as large an alteration for you?”
“I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve wanted to get your daughter in the sack from about the fourth time I saw her. Of course, the fact she was only fifteen and making a serious effort to take my head off represented a serious impediment to any chance of a serious long-term relationship. But, hey, that was years ago and if she suddenly shows an interest in me I’m sure as hell not going to kick her out of bed for eating crackers. She said we couldn't go all the way until I met the folks. I love your daughter. And now that I've met the folks I plan on spending almost as much time in her panties as she does. Can I call you ‘mom’?”
Jean Possible smiled, “I thank you for your candor. Now, if I may be equally honest and open with you, I will point out it is still a couple months until her eighteenth birthday. You lay a finger on her between now and then and I’ll have your ass in jail on a statutory charge.
“And remember, pain is not a matter of what happens when your body is harmed. Pain is a matter of how your brain responds. The right stimulus to the brain and you can feel like Peruvian fire ants are devouring from the inside out. And since there is no physical harm to your body they can chew on you for a long, long time and leave no forensic evidence. I'm a brain surgeon. I can leave you in agony you can't begin to imagine. Also remember I have a daughter who would enjoy hunting you down.”
Kim, seated across from Shego, obligingly smiled and waved at that moment.
Jean finished, “Do I make myself clear, ‘daughter’?”
Shego had paled slightly, which, given her normal coloration left her semi-transparent. She nodded yes. Jean turned to the other side. “Did you catch that also, Ron?”
Ron had turned a shade of green which left him looking like Shego’s younger brother. He too nodded. She turned back to Shego. “Now, you cooperate for the next couple months and let me get to know you, and let me feel comfortable with the fact my daughter prefers women—”
“No I don’t,” Kim interrupted.
“Yes I do,” Kim insisted
“Quiet,” their mother ordered. “Shego, I expect to see a lot of you during the next couple months. Perhaps I can get used to you. It took years, but James and I finally accepted Ronald—”
Ron smiled and started to nod, then paused, “Hey? It took years for me to be accepted?”
“Never mind, dear,” she assured him. “We finally learned. You are an acquired taste. Now, Shego, can you promise to come over often and be annoyingly underfoot until we come to take you for granted and accept you as family also?”
“I, uh, guess so,” she agreed – feeling more than a little confused.
“I told you they were wonderful parents, didn’t I?” Kim demanded.
Jean continued, “Then when Kim turns eighteen you can bring up crackers in bed.”
“That’s no fair,” Kim protested. “You always said I had to wait until I was married, and you’re letting her and Shego—”
“What you said isn’t exactly true,” her father pointed out.
“Oh, yeah, your advice was wait for three years after getting married before having sex.”
“You can't rush into something like that,” her father insisted.
Her mother took a more practical approach, “The other Kim is right. We can’t really ask her to wait until marriage.”
Shego interrupted, “And it’s not like I’m going to knock her up.”
“You’re not helping us,” Kim hissed at the woman she loved.
“A couple months will give your father and me time to consider what our options are after learning our daughter is a lesbian.”
“No I’m not!”
“Yes I am!”
“We could send her to a convent,” James suggested hopefully. “I still have the brochures for Our Lady of Perpetual Chastity. We could send them both.”
“We’re Methodist, remember?”
“Yes, but the sisters are very good about accepting unfallen women of all denominations for lives of bone-numbing virtue.”
“I don’t think virtue is what these four are thinking about.”
Shego spoke to Ron at the other end of the table, “Stoppable, how’s this for a the start of a joke, a lesbian thief and a Jewish guy break into a convent to rescue the woman they love—”
“Woman or women?”
“Okay, I’m working on it. Is that the start of a joke or what?”
“Sounds like the plot for a bad porn movie.”
“And by bad you mean good?”
Ron smiled and nodded. Shego threw the grappling line over the wall. The hooks found a purchase on the other side and Shego began scaling the wall, followed closely by Ron. Followed very closely by Ron. He watched her ass as they climbed. She reached the top first and gave him a hand up. Her breasts heaved impressively from the exertion, or perhaps from her proximity to the male animal who was Ron Stoppable.
She gazed into his eyes before they went to the rescue of the Kims and whispered throatily, “You were watching my ass, weren’t you?”
“Uh, yeah,” he confessed, “you've got one great looking booty.”
“Stop this fantasy now. Or I’ll have to hurt you.”
“No, you can't do that. This is my fantasy. You're supposed to like the compliment and want to have sex with me.”
“I don't care who's having the fantasy, you put my ass in it and I'm going to hurt you!”
“Yes, Ron,” Kim insisted. “You ordered the porterhouse and garlic mashed potatoes.”
Ron looked up and saw the waiter standing with his plate. “Heh, heh. Sorry about that.”
The waiter put down Ron's plate and rolled his eyes as he walked away. Before picking up his silverware Ron whispered to Kim, “Did I say anything besides, ‘no’ just now?”
“No, that was all you said. What were you thinking about?”
The diners dug into their food. Gradually the conversation started up again.
“Do you think the double Kim effect will wear off and we'll have a single Kim again,” Ron asked her father.
“Hard to say, Ron. On the show it always took another trip through the transporter -- and we don't have one of those. Of course, since we don't know Warmonga's technology it is always possible the effect is temporary and they will merge spontaneously.”
“Uh, if they merge, who is in charge? I don't want to lose my Kim, and I imagine Shego prefers the Kim who loves her.”
“I'll be in charge,” Kims insisted.
“I would think that both aspects of her personality would find a way to unite,” Jean suggested.
“No way,” Kims protested.
“A Kim who can integrate both aspects,” Ron thought as he drifted back to the happy place. Kim and Shego were on their knees on a large bed, kissing each other. They were in lacy little teddies that concealed nothing. Kim was in green, Shego in black. They moaned softly as they rubbed their bodies against each other. Ron stood the side in his boxers, watching. The two turned their faces toward him.
“We've been waiting for you,” Kim told him.
“You need to get out of those boxers,” Shego told him. “They clash with the color scheme.”
“You aren't going to hurt me?” he asked cautiously.
“You've got me with Kim in this one,” Shego purred. “That means you can have anything your heart desires.”
“Anything?” he managed to croak.
“Anything,” the two assured him as they gently tugged on the ribbons that were tied in bows, holding the two teddies closed.
“I'm in heaven,” Ron murmured.
“Kim, what's wrong with him?” Kim demanded.
“I don't know. He must love that steak, he's drooling all over it.”
“Remind me to order the porterhouse next time we're here,” James told his wife.
Kim realized Ron was not thinking about the steak, “Kick him,” she ordered Kim.
“Because he's in bed with us.”
“OW!” Ron rubbed his shin.
“Told you you got the bully,” Shego reminded him.
“She wasn't the one who kicked me.”
“Yeah, but yours told mine to kick you. It was her idea. I think she's getting worse.”
“In the original show,” James commented, “the indecisive Kirk just got more and more indecisive, while the bully got more and more belligerent.”
“Hear that, Stoppable?” Shego called. “I hope you've got a high pain threshold.”
With the nine-inch heels and three inch platforms on the bottom of her thigh-high patent leather boots Kim stood over six feet tall. Everything she had on was patent leather, the bikini, the bustier, and the long gloves. The whip in her right hand was rawhide, and she gently rubbed it over Ron's bound body.
“You don't mind a little kinky, do you Ron?”
“Uh, actually KP, I am just a tad uncomfortable here.”
“Only a tad? It's going to get worse I'm afraid,” she said and cracked the whip. “But then I promise you it will be much better.”
“Really,” she assured him.
“He's still drooling,” Kim told Kim.
“Kick him again. You didn't do it hard enough the first time.”
A few minutes later Jean made another effort to engage Shego in conversation, “I'm glad you'll be leaving Drakken, but where do you plan to stay while you are out on bail?”
“I, uh, haven't decided that for sure. Kim and I had an idea we wanted to run by you.”
“Kim,” Kim said, “bathroom, now.”
As the door closed behind her Kim turned to Kim.
“I'd like Shego to stay at Ron's.”
Kim's eyes narrowed, “I was thinking she could stay at our place. I was hoping to, ah, keep a close eye on her.”
“Oh yeah, like mom would let that happen.”
“Well, I don't think you're suggesting Ron out of the goodness of your heart. You don't trust her and you want Ron to keep an eye on her.”
“I trust Ron.”
“I trust him too, and Shego.”
“Like that matters.”
“We're asking Ron to let a beautiful woman stay at his house. We could put both of ours together and she's got a nicer rack. She doesn't have much in the way of clothes at the moment and she still has an evil streak in her. I think you need to trust she's interested in me and not going to make a play for Ron just to screw up your life.”
It was Kim's turn to turn pale. “You're nuts to trust her.”
“You'd better hope I'm right. But we both trust Ron.”
Kim came back to the table. “Ron, bathroom now.”
“But I can't--”
She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him from the table. “We need to talk.”
She still had a hold of his arm when she knocked on the bathroom door, “Anyone else in there?”
“No,” Kim answered.
Kim dragged Ron inside. “Ron, we want Shego to stay with you for awhile.”
“We want Shego to stay with you. She doesn't have a place to stay right now --”
“And I'm worried she's faking all this turning over a new leaf nonsense. She's evil. We need someone to keep an eye on her.”
Shego smiled as the warm water splashed over her body. She lathered up with the body wash and began sensuously rubbing it in when she suddenly felt like she was being watched, “Stoppable! I warned you -- you give me a solo shot in your fantasies and you're a dead man.”
“You said I couldn't think about your ass. I'm thinking about your boobs.”
Shego's hands started to glow green.
“Ron? Ron?” Kim asked. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing, KP. I mean, it will be a tough and nasty job, but someone needs to keep an eye on her.”
“Great! Thanks, Ron, we knew we could count on you.” “Damn it, Kim is right. We should not put a beautiful woman in Ron's house.”
Ron placed a fast call on his cell phone to ask permission from his parents. When the trio returned to the table, he told Shego, “My folks say you can stay with us for a while.”
Shego did not look happy, “Please,” Kim begged.
“Only for you, pumpkin,” the thief muttered.
One thing continued to worry Ron, “Do you really think she'll keep getting more belligerent?” he asked Kims’ dad.
“Well in the original show--”
“If it was the transporter,” their mom interrupted, “and we can't actually be certain, the division appears to have been along sexual preference lines. And there is no reason to thing the condition is progressive.”
“Progressive? As in getting worse.?”
Kim backed him into his locker and rubbed herself against his manly chest, “Please, Ron,” she begged, “these quickies between classes aren't enough. Let's cut fifth period. No one is using the teacher's lounge.”
“Kim, he's drooling again.”
“Well, kick him again.”
Shego wondered if she should rethink her choices. Drakken seemed saner than the Possibles.
The rules remain in place. I'm willing to this thing die. I don't want to write a chapter “My Girlfriend Can Beat Up Your Boyfriend.”