For the first few second, Kim was so stunned by Shego's action that she didn't even move. It was only when she felt the merest hint of the tip of Shego's tongue flicking against her lips that she reacted. She flinched so violently that she almost fell over.
Shego's eyes had been closed, but now they opened as Kim slid away from her. Her pupils were impossibly wide. Comprehension set in, along with dismay. She pulled back.
“What was that?!” Kim asked, her voice almost a shriek.
“What do you think?” Shego retorted, taking refuge in her vicious wit. “This isn't exactly the place I wanted to do that, but at least I've got privacy.”
This was the home bleachers overlooking the football field at Kim's old high school. Kim's bedroom had been swallowed by one of her twin brothers years before, and at any rate she had seen how Shego hung back from entering her house, as if she were a vampire denied permission to enter. She'd brought Shego here for that exact same reason - the privacy the other woman demanded.
Kim just stared at her.
Shego watched her sullenly, forcing Kim to initiate a discussion or drop it. She seethed as she waited. Anger was always better than pain.
“What was it supposed to mean?” Kim asked, almost reluctantly.
Shego almost repeated her earlier question, but she ground her teeth instead. “I told you we were alike, Kimmie,” she growled. “And I told you I don't let people into my life by inches. If I give of myself, I expect the same from you.” She paused, clenching her fists tightly in her lap. “I am the only person who will ever deserve you, Kim. No one else can understand you the way I can.”
“But, but,” Kim stammered, “I'm a girl! And so are you!”
“No big,” Shego said casually.
“Big!” Kim insisted. “This is SO big, this is SO the drama, this is…”
“Run out of catch-phrases?”
Kim glared at her. “Stop messing with my mind!”
“This is as honest as I'll ever be, Kim,” Shego said calmly. “If you can't comprehend that, then the one with the problem here is you.”
“This is you marking your territory again, right?” Kim pleaded.
Shego looked at her flatly. “You asked me why you were still single. It's because you're head and shoulders above them all, Kim. They can't even reach you, let alone touch you. Our battles prove that we were meant for each other. I mean,” she said, a touch of desperation entering her voice, “that's why you said you wanted to be friends, right? That's why you went to the effort of getting me to open up? Because you know it too, right?”
Kim closed her eyes and looked away. Her steady exterior belied the knot of anxiety in her stomach. “I always mean what I say, Shego. I wanted you as my friend. But I can't accept what you're offering. I'm sorry, but I just can't.”
“But - you always said anything was possible.”
She opened her eyes and looked into Shego's. “Not this,” she said quietly. Kim stretched out a hand.
Shego jerked away like it was Kim wearing the special gloves instead of her. “You goody-two-shoes BITCH!” She lashed out with her fist, catching Kim on the temple and knocking her over, making the metal bleachers echo. She stood over Kim for a moment, her face twisted, before she screamed and turned around. She leapt down the steps and began running.
Kim struggled up and shook her head in an attempt to clear it. “Shego… Shego!”
But Shego rapidly vanished into the shadows, leaving Kim to wonder if she really wanted to stop her.
“Oh God,” Kim whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I'll never see her again.”
Sappho was awakened by a rhythmic pounding on her hull. “Activating exterior detection systems,” she thought as she looked to see what was causing the disruption.
Shego pounded on the ship again. “Damn it, wake up,” she said, gasping for air.
“Shego? It's late, and Doctor Freeman has gone home for…”
“One more flight,” Shego said. “I'm leaving town, and I won't get another chance.”
“Oh!” Sappho said, disappointed. “Well, I suppose - “
The door slid open, and Shego staggered in, drained. She fell into the pilot's chair.
“Where are you going?” Sappho gingerly asked after a minute.
Shego raised her head slightly. “If I give you some coordinates, could you pilot yourself there?”
“Of course, but wouldn't you rather - “
“I'm not in the mood right now,” Shego interrupted. “Maybe later.”
The hangar doors slowly opened as Sappho activated the building mechanism. The dashboard controls slowly came alive. Their twinkling lights reflected off Shego's haggard face. “Where to?” Sappho inquired.
Lifeless eyes blinked once. “Mexico,” she said.
Kim slumped over the steering wheel, too emotionally exhausted to even think about driving. “Sadie,” she said out loud. “Think you could handle the driving tonight?”
“Of course, Kim,” Sadie replied, having volunteered her services as Kim's transportation for the night after dropping Dr. Freeman off. “Is anything the matter?” The automobile paused. “Where is - that woman?” she asked, unwilling to say Shego's name.
“She'll show up,” Kim said without conviction. “Just head for home.”
“Certainly, Kim.”
There was silence for a few minutes as they drove. “You ought to put your seat belt on, Kim,” Sadie gently reminded her.
Kim laughed bitterly. “Why? Are you going to have an accident?”
“Well, no, I don't get into accidents, but - “
“And even if you did, would it matter? After all, I can survive a car crash. I can do anything. I'm Kim Possible.”
Sadie slowly pulled over.
“What's wrong?” Kim asked, surprised.
“I was about to ask you the same thing, Kim.”
“I'm just tired.”
“Tired would not explain the way you said your name just now, Kim. ‘Self-loathing’ is not an emotion I've come to associate with you.”
Kim looked down at her lap. “I can't talk about it. Not with you, not with Monique, certainly not my parents. Or Ron…”
“Kim, you would be surprised at the number of times Dr. Freeman has shared his troubles with myself. Not to mention the stereo, the toaster - “ Sadie made an aggravated noise. “Perhaps even Sappho has been there for him a time or two. You can tell me anything. I'm a machine, after all.”
“Where do I begin?” Kim asked plaintively.
“How about beginning with what happened between when you and Shego went outside, and when you returned alone?”
Kim sighed. “Shego hates me again,” she whispered. “And it's all my fault.”
“I mean, what is the fucking point?!” Shego screeched. “Why do I even think that Miss Perfect would even consider me good enough for her? Why do I even try?”
“Perhaps it isn't you,” Sappho ventured to suggest. “I am told that humans of the same sex rarely interact in a romantic way. Couldn't it be that she simply doesn't have the capacity to feel that way for another female?”
“You didn't see the horror in her eyes,” Shego said darkly. “Like a rat had crawled across her face. Kim Possible put me in the hospital a dozen times, but I never imagined she could hurt me that badly with just a look.”
“She was surprised, was she not?” Sappho asked. “Maybe if you give her time.”
“She slammed the door in my face, Sappho,” Shego snarled. “She said it was NEVER going to happen. What - that I would never be good enough for her? That I would never be more than damaged goods?”
“Shego!” Sappho said, bewildered. “You are putting too little stock in yourself. In just a short time I have found you to be the very best kind of human.”
Shego lapsed into brooding silence again, and Sappho waited for a minute before prompting her. “Shego?”
“I was an orphan, you know.”
“Um, no, I did not know that.”
“Yeah, I guess you wouldn't. Nobody knows. Except Kim,” Shego said with an ugly look on her face. “I never told her, but I bet she knows. Miss Know-It-All probably knows everything about me. Or thinks she does, knows I'm a nobody with no family, not like HER.”
“… “
“My parents were in a car crash,” Shego continued woodenly. “They survived the crash, but not the chemicals that spilled out of the jackknifed tractor-trailer. They died a few hours later at the hospital - enough time, at least, to tear me out of my mother's womb one month premature. The doctors say the chemicals are what made me like this,” she explained, gesturing to her face. “I was in the hospital for two years, charity case. They weren't sure if I would be toxic to the touch, so I didn't really get held a lot.”
“I - see.”
“Then, of course, there was the orphanage. Most parents didn't want the freakish girl,” Shego said. “All the doctors were sure I'd be developmentally disabled too, and nobody wanted a retarded kid either. I was in a few foster homes, but… it's not easy, not being wanted. Guess it didn't help my personality,” she added wryly.
“Shego…”
“I guess that's why I worked for Drakken all those years,” Shego mused. “He needed me so much, it was almost funny. Of course, he was a loser. Not like Kimmie, who never loses. Why would she ever want me?”
“We've been through so much together the past couple months,” Kim said helplessly. “I told her I didn't want us to be enemies any more, not after that. Why doesn't she understand? Why can't we be friends?”
“Obviously Shego wants to be a little more than friends,” Sadie pointed out.
“But I can't!”
“Can't is an odd word. Can't what? Want that?”
“I can't give her that.”
“I thought you liked her?”
“I do! Just not the way she likes me.”
“You're sure of that? Kim, what is it about Shego that you like the most? What is it that always draws you to her?”
Kim closed her eyes and leaned back. “Her passion for life,” she finally said. “She has this wild, untamed energy - she's not like me. I have to keep control.”
“Why?”
“It's just the way I am. She flaunts responsibility, obligations, rules, everything!”
“So you're afraid that if you get too involved with her, she'll make you lose control too?”
Kim sat up. “I guess, kinda?” she said hesitantly.
“We appear to be getting somewhere.”
“And her stupid friends, and her stupid family!”
“Dr. Possible is a very nice man.”
“They all look at me like I'm this criminal reject, and it's - “ She put her hands on her hips. “If you hurt Kim, I'll kill you,” she mimicked, assuming a sanctimonious tone of voice. “They don't like me, they don't want me around, they don't think I'm good enough for her either.” Shego folded her arms and steamed. “They're all such good people,” she sneered. “That's who Kim wants to be with, the nice people. Not the bad girl.”
“They need to be given time, Shego. I'm sure if they got to know you the way Kim - “
“Fuck them!” she screamed, and Sappho could only respond with shocked silence. “I don't need them. She sure as hell doesn't need them when she's got me, but she doesn't get that. She'd rather be with them. So screw it, Sappho. Screw it. If I'll never be good enough for them, then what's the point of being good? Might as well give evil another try.”
“Shego, no.”
“Besides, there's only one place I've ever been accepted,” Shego went on stubbornly. “That's where they all think I belong. Well, they got their wish, and I hope Kim's happy when I k…”
“When you what, Shego? When you what?”
“When I show her,” Shego said, her eyes burning. “I'll show her who's better. Then it'll just be me. Me against - “
Shego didn't finish. Instead she screamed despairingly before falling out of her chair and onto her knees. She pounded the floor as her breath caught on sobs so wracking that her stomach hurt.
“Shego,” Sappho whispered.
The young woman looked up, her hair in disarray. “You take me where I want to go,” she hissed, “and then you leave me there, and you go home. And you will not say another word. Got it?!”
“… Yes,” the ship's intelligence said unhappily.
Shego brought her knees up to her chest, curled against the bulkhead, and waited.
“So you said no because you're afraid of how your family and friends would react if they found out you were romantically involved with a woman, and not just any woman but Shego,” Sadie said calmly. “Because your life and your future are complicated enough as it is. And you're afraid Shego will compromise your self-control if you let her in.”
“Yes,” Kim insisted.
“Did you say no because you're not attracted to her?” Sadie asked quietly. “Because those are very good reasons, Kim, but they don't tell me how your heart feels on the subject.”
Kim sucked in her breath. “Sadie…”
“It's not a difficult question, Kim. The appliances and I are in agreement on this matter. You humans sometimes make the yes-or-no questions the most difficult, when in reality it's just a question of a 1 versus a 0. Do you? Or don't you?”
“I - “
Alone at this hour, Kim forced herself to ruthlessly analyze how she'd felt around Shego the past couple months. Mainly she thought about the times when Shego had tempted her so with the visions she offered, and Kim had declined only because she couldn't live that life.
And when she'd held Shego in her arms, before she opened her eyes, her instincts told her it felt so right.
“I do,” she whispered. “She told me how she felt, and I felt the same way, and the way I treated her… oh, shit!” she yelled. Her eyes welled up as she pounded the steering wheel.
“Easy on the car, Kim,” Sadie said.
“Sorry! God, I'm screwing up so badly tonight! What's wrong with me?”
“Kim, I can't tell you what to do about Shego,” Sadie replied, sighing. “I'm just a car that's driven people around the block a few times. It's up to you to decide if all those other reasons are enough to keep you from starting something with her. But maybe don't you owe it to her to tell her how you really feel?”
“You're right,” Kim said miserably as she rubbed at her eyes with her arm. “She was so hurt, and it wasn't because of her! It was me. Sadie, we've got to find her. She could leave town!”
“I've got an almost-full tank, Kim. I can drive all night.”
But when the sun came up and the urgent call came in from her father's lab, they hadn't found her.
Dr. Drakken flared his nostrils as he worked intently on his current project. Soon - soon the world would be cowering at his feet!
He heard an odd noise, and he looked up.
The large iron doors to his lab looked unusually shiny.
Then they fell down with a thud, cracking into a hundred pieces. Little chunks of ice skittered across the floor and knocked against his shoes. Shego stood there, her arms outstretched as if she'd just pushed the door over. Which evidently, his genius reasoned, she had.
Drakken gulped and cowered behind his chair. “Shego! How did you find me?!”
“Same way Kim Possible found out,” she said sullenly. “She could be here any day now.”
“Kim Possible! I've got to - “
“Yeh-ba-ba-ba,” she interrupted, raising a finger. “Something else occurred to me on the way here.”
“Something - else?” he asked nervously. “Other than pulverizing me?”
“Yeah, something else. I realized that technically, I'm still under contract.”
He blinked. “You are?”
“I figure you owe me five years’ of back pay.”
“What? Back pay?! You let me rot in jail!”
“I was in jail TOO, you know!”
“As a visitor!”
She sighed. “How about I forget about the back pay, you forget about the prison thing, and we call it even?”
Drakken gaped at her. “Um, okay?”
“Good,” Shego said. “So what's the next evil scheme?”
“Why should I tell you?”
“Because I'm under contract, remember? I - work for you.”
“You - you mean you're coming back to me?” he asked, stupefied. “As my sidekick?”
Her shoulders slumped. “Yes, Dr. D,” Shego muttered. “As your sidekick. You want something stolen, I can get it for you. I'm good at that, at least.”
A broad grin broke across his blue features. “Why, Shego, that's wonderful news! Let bygones be bygones, that's what I always say.”
“I've never heard you say that,” she said dubiously.
“You know what I mean!” he shouted. He went over to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She tensed momentarily before she deflated and allowed him to shepherd her over to the worktable. “Anyway, it will be just like old times!”
“Good,” Shego said.
“Currently I'm concocting a mad scheme that will turn the people of the world into my mindless puppets!”
“Didn't you already try that?” she asked uncomfortably, remembering the chip.
“No, I mean I'm literally going to turn them into puppets!” Drakken said excitedly. “You know, with the strings and the wooden noses that get longer when you tell a lie?”
Shego stared at him. “Just like old times,” she thought.
“Oh, and Shego, remember what I said before? About you groveling before me, begging for forgiveness? That nasty little business the other night?” he asked airily.
“Yeah?”
The hand on her shoulder moved slightly and pressed something against the nape of her neck.
Shego's body spasmed for a moment before returning to normal.
“You can start now,” Dr. Drakken said evilly.
Blank eyes looked back. “Yes, Dr. Drakken!”
To be continued…