Dr. Director frowned, looking at the paper on her desk. “Is this a joke, Will?” she asked.
“I'm afraid not, ma'am.” said Will Du. “It's a formal order, from the UN Special Council.”
“They're giving the hot seat to someone else?” said Dr. Director. She had heard rumors, but so far she had ignored them. After all, she had a proven track record, and this new hot shot only had a big mouth. She should have remembered that in politics, sometimes a big mouth was all you’d need.
“I'm afraid so.” said Will. “Apparently, the special council agreed to give him a chance… “
“Give him enough rope to hang himself, you mean.” said Dr. Director. “I know how these politicians work, Will. He's talked them into supporting him. Unless he gets results, though, he'll be out faster then yesterday's garbage.”
“Yes ma'am.” said Will. “I'm sure there's no way he can get results better than you, ma'am.” He cleared his throat nervously. “Actually, ma'am, some of the staff and I have been discussing the possibility of making sure he fails be… “
“Absolutely not.” snapped Dr. Director. She softened. “Will, I appreciate the offer, really… but the goal of Global Justice, and the position as Director, is far too important to let anyone but the person who can do the best job be in charge. Three months, tops, this guy will either be out on the street… or he'll have proved he belongs in this chair. I want you to promise me, Will, that you'll do all you can to support him while he's here.”
“I will, ma'am.” said Will.
“Thanks, Will.” said Dr. Director. She picked up the paper. “When Mr. Avery Juan-Dize comes into the building, please show him up here.”
Dr. Director stood up and moved around the desk she had used for so long. Mr. Juan-Dize was only a few years younger than Dr. Director, but his body was muscular and powerful. His face had all the beauty and cold inhumanness… of a marble statue. Perfectly combed dark hair, an aristocratic nose, thin, pale lips, and a firm jaw. Dr. Director shivered as she looked into Mr. Juan-Dize’s eyes. They seemed as cold and lifeless as the eye she kept hidden with her eye patch.
“Ms. Director” he said, formally.
Will gasped, softly, at hearing the man omit the customary ‘doctor’.
“Mr. Juan-Dize” said Dr. Director. “I understand you think you can do a better job then I can, running Global Justice. For the sake of the world, I sincerely hope you’re right.”
“Ms. Director, I assure you.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “That I plan to do everything in my power to take Global Justice, the weapon that you’ve forged, and use it to punish evil doers world wide.”
Dr. Director cleared her throat. “I’ve never thought of Global Justice as a weapon, Mr. Juan-Dize. More as a tool. And one that was to be used to stop evil doers, not just punish them.”
Mr. Juan-Dize nodded at Dr. Director, as if he hadn’t really heard what she just said. “I understand you will be taking retirement now.” he said.
“Temporary inactive leave.” said Dr. Director, correcting him. “That is correct.”
“Enjoy your retirement, Ms. Director.” Mr. Juan-Dize said.
Dr. Director walked out of the office, suppressing a shudder. She hoped, for everyone’s sake, that Mr. Juan-Dize didn’t turn out to be as bad a mistake as Dr. Director felt he might be.
On paper, he looked the perfect candidate. He had served, with distinction, in special military forces before retiring from the armed services. Once a civilian, he had served in several major cities, heading up special police taskforces. The only criticisms on record was ‘lack of people skills’ and ‘unwillingness to compromise or be deterred’.
Dr. Director knew that, with some criminals, there was no acceptable compromise accept putting them behind bars for a very long time. But she also knew that the job of Global Justice required a mental flexibility that she didn’t think Mr. Juan-Dize had. She fervently hoped she was wrong.
Mr. Avery Juan-Dize sat down in Dr. Director’s chair, with all the dignity and formal mannerisms of any king sitting upon a throne. He looked up at Will Du. “You are the head of field agents?” he asked.
“Yes sir, Mr. Juan-Dize.” said Will. “Head Agent Will Du, in charge of field operations. Although Dr. Director does… did lead several field operations herself.”
“That is one thing of Ms. Director that I may continue.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “Who are the other special head agents?”
“Those would be the Dunn brothers…” said Will Du. “Ben Dunn, head of intelligence, and Toby Dunn, head of R+D. Oh, and Mr. John Dissed, head of legal affairs. Dr. Director didn’t have him attend most briefings.”
“Mr. Du” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “Global Justice is in the business of enforcing the law. We can not do that if we do not respect the law ourselves. Any briefing I hold, you can expect Mr. Dissed to be there. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir, Mr. Juan-Dize.” said Agent Du.
“Very well.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “I expect to see all four of you, in my office, in one hour. I’ll want a complete status report of your departments, including any hot potatoes you’re currently working on.”
“Yes sir.” Agent Du stood, and saluted. Part of him felt guilty for saying ’Sir’ to this man who had replaced Dr. Director, but part of him had to admit that he had never been comfortable with Dr. Director’s willingness to bend the rules. Perhaps her retirement would be a good thing, after all.
There was a special conference room as part of the director’s office suite. The conference room was one of the most secure rooms in the world, equipped with every sort of anti-eavesdropping equipment that Global Justice could get. The room was sized to hold twenty to thirty people comfortable, so the four head-agents sitting in it felt somewhat dwarfed.
If Mr. Juan-Dize felt dwarfed, he did not show it. Instead, he sat at the head of the table. “All right, gentlemen, let’s begin. Mr. Ben Dunn, since you have the most seniority of the four, why don’t we start with you.”
“All right.” said Mr. Ben Dunn. “My department is in charge of intelligence. Mostly, we comb through news footage, field reports, and historical records to try to keep track of current threats and spot new ones.”
Mr. Juan-Dize nodded. “I understand. Is there anything special you’re tracking now?”
“Well, we’ve recently lost track of an Alpha-2 security threat.” admitted Ben Dunn. “We’re trying to reacquire tracking, as soon as possible.”
“Alpha means the threat’s intentions are to take over the world.” said Will Du. “Omega would indicate intentions are mass genocide. We also have various indications for other threat types.”
“I understand.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “And the ‘2’ indicates the level of this threat?”
Ben Dunn nodded. “Yes sir. 2 means that this team is believed to be a credible threat, but is not currently fully prepared to initiate. This threat has several times attempted to slip into the Alpha category, actively underway with world conquering, but mostly has been foiled by either us or Team Possible.”
“Team Possible? That would be those three mercenaries?” said Mr. Juan-Dize.
“Um, no sir.” said Mr. Dissed. “Team Impossible are three gentlemen, currently engaged in providing their services in exchange for payment. Team Possible consists of two teenagers and their pet mole rat.”
“Naked mole rat.” muttered Agent Du.
Mr. Juan-Dize stared across the table for a moment. “Two TEENAGERS foil this guy, and he’s an Alpha-2? What’s Alpha-3, a guy with a cork pop-gun?”
“Sir, Kim Possible, the leader of Team Possible, is a very skilled woman.” said Agent Du. “She is skilled in, at last report, sixteen different forms of martial arts, has an exceptionally high IQ, and was being monitored by Dr. Director as a target for recruitment as soon as she finished college. Her associate, Ron Stoppable, is the owner of the naked mole rat. He is also extremely intelligent, but lacks Ms. Possible’s dedication. He is not quite as physically gifted, but he has demonstrated mastery of ‘Monkey Kung Fu’.”
“I still want to know who this Alpha-2 threat is.” grumbled Mr. Juan-Dize.
“Ah, actually it’s a team.” said Ben Dunn. “Dr. Drakken, real name Drew Lipsky, and Shego, real name unknown. He’s the alpha, she’s the two. Dr. Drakken is a highly inventive and mentally unstable genius, who has incorporated other people’s research for his own purposes, who also suffers from a huge case of megalomania. However, he is not particulary skilled in any form of combat and tends toward overly complex and highly unfeasible plans.”
“This Shego is female?” said Mr. Juan-Dize.
“Yes sir.” said Toby Dunn. “Perhaps I could jump in, since we at R+D have devoted considerable effort to Miss Shego’s case. Several years ago, a meteorite from an unidentified source crashed near Go city. The meteorite produced a short lived but powerful field, which affected the people it came in contact with in different ways. All five known subjects were genetically altered. Shego, one of the five, has an accelerated healing ability, above average strength, and the ability to generate charged plasma from her hands. The plasma can vary in explosive or thermal energy, apparently at will. Also, there is a photon discharge effect associated with her powers.”
“Her hands glow.” said Will Du. “When she’s using her powers, or when she’s mad.”
“The other four people” said Toby Dunn “Were granted extremely enhanced physical durability and muscular amplification, the ability to reduce personal mass, and an ability to, um, duplicate themselves. We suspect the powers demonstrated are at least partially due to the genetics of the subject, since the one power that is shared is shared by a set of identical twins.”
“These other four… super villains?” said Mr. Juan-Dize.
“No sir, superheroes.” said Toby. “Team Go, to be exact.”
Will cleared his throat. “Our field agents have tangled with Shego several times. In addition to her powers, she is an extremely skilled thief and hand-to-hand combat expert. She seems to have a personal code against killing, but she’s put many of our agents in the hospital over our encounters. All attempts to capture her have failed. With her plasma powers and lock-picking skills, she can escape any prison we put her in and break Dr. Drakken out also.”
Toby leaned forward. “All our efforts to contain Shego have failed so far. The only ways we know that might stop or neutralize her powers are all based on technology that would be illegal to use on any human.”
“I think…” said Will. “That it would be fair to say that Shego is potentially the most dangerous human alive.”
Mr. Juan-Dize sat back, thinking. “If we went after her, all out… seized her accounts, hunted her down, shoot-to-kill as necessary… could we take her out of the game?”
Will, Ben, and Toby all glanced at each other. As head field agent, Will felt it was his job to speak. “Director Juan-Dize… yes, an all out assault would work. However, use of such means would violate every civil rights law on the book.”
“Agent Du is correct.” said Mr. Dissed. “I fail to see how any such assault, no matter how necessary, could be justified legally.”
Mr. Juan-Dice smiled. “Agent Du thinks that Shego is the most dangerous human alive. I don’t agree.”
“You don’t think she’s dangerous?” said Agent Du.
“No.” said Mr. Juan-Dice. “I don’t think she’s human.”
United Nations Special Council
Decission A-239D-2C
A human, as pertains to International and civil rights laws, will be defined as any being with a standardized IQ ration on the Maiditup scale between .7 and 1.4 produced by an organic neural net with a genetic makeup identifiable within .2 of the Human genome project, with an extra .2 allowable if the extra is within conventionally defined terrestrial genetic parameters, and who was conceived by two or more genetic, human parents.
“Sir, I fail to see what declaring Shego non-human will do.” said Will Du. “Yes, her genetic make up is known to be just slightly over the allowed .2 difference, with that .2 outside any known terrestrial species. But if she’s not human, then she’s not guilty of breaking human laws.”
“She’s an animal.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “An animal who is a danger to law abiding humans everywhere. As such, she must be hunted down. She has no civil rights, because she’s not a person. Inform all agents that Shego is to be hunted down and killed on sight. Contact all known associates, including Dr. Drakken, and inform them we will be pursuing Shego with lethal force. Anyone trying to harbor her will be treated as a criminal.”
“Ah, sir…” said Will Du. “By all known associates, do you wish to also include Kim Possible? The woman is Shego’s arch nemesis, after all.”
“I doubt that a teenager will have much to offer us.” said Mr. Juan-Dize. “But inform her also… and let her know that if she sees Shego, she’s to call us and then stay away. Shego is going down, and going down hard. Anyone who gets in my way gets hurt.”
Kim stared in disbelief at the fax Global Justice had sent her, courtesy of Wade. “I can’t believe this.” she said.
“Hey, if it means Shego and I aren’t the same species, then I’m all for it.” said Ron.
“You don’t think this is wrong?” said Kim, waving the paper. “They’ve taken away Shego’s humanity.”
“No, Shego did that.” said Ron. “Trying to take over the world and throwing my best friend in death traps is pretty inhumane in my book.”
“She’s a super criminal, that’s what super criminals do.” said Kim. She sighed. While it was true that Shego had been responsible (usually at Dr. Drakken’s orders) for Kim finding herself in a wide variety of life threatening situations, Kim couldn’t shake the feeling that for most of it, the older woman was more interested in testing Kim then in actually trying to kill her. Shego could melt through metal, after all…the two fought hand to hand enough times that if Shego really wanted Kim out of the way, Kim would have either woken up in a hospital or not woken up at all.
“Dude, Global Justice has spoken.” said Ron. “If they say Shego’s a wild animal to be hunted down, then I say I just hope they bring enough tranquilizer guns.”
“I don’t know, Ron.” said Kim. “I mean, where does it stop? Today, Shego. Who’s next? Monkey Fist and D.N.Amy? Then Dr. Drakken? Where does it end?”
“If it ends with those nuts off the street, then I‘m fine with that.” said Ron.
Monique, carrying a tray of food, came over to the booth where Kim and Ron were sitting. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”
“Global Justice and the UN just declared Shego isn’t human.” said Kim.
“Oh no they didn’t!” said Monique. “You’re joking, right?”
“No joke.” said Kim, pushing the fax across. “They say she’s an animal, and can be hunted down as one, since she’s not genetically ‘human’. No civil rights laws to stop them.”
“What’s the big deal?” said Ron. “So they declare one super villain non-human, so they can catch her more easily.”
“So you’re ok with people saying that someone isn’t human, because of the color of their skin.” said Monique.
“Ye… no!” said Ron. “I’m saying it’s ok when that someone is a dangerous, alien-mutated plasma-throwing villain.”
“Ron, Shego’s as human as you or me.” said Kim. “Just because that asteroid, which Shego didn’t want or cause to happen, rearranged her genes, Global Justice now says she’s an animal, like Rufus there. One who they can kill on sight if necesary.”
“Me?” squeaked Rufus, looking up from a pile of cheese-covered nachos.
“Hey, Rufus is a pet.” said Ron. “Shego’s a wild animal. Dangerous. Liable to kill.”
“Shego has never killed anyone.” said Kim, firmly.
“Not for lack of trying.” said Ron. “How many times has she put you in a death trap?”
“First, that’s mostly Drakken’s idea and he’s considered human by Global Justice.” said Kim. “Second, yeah… death traps I always manage to escape from.”
“Hold on.” said Monique. “They said Shego, that fine looking green girl, isn’t human but that blue skinned, tiny-handed Drakken is?”
“Drakken’s ‘mutations’ aren’t genetic.” said Kim. “His genes are human, even if his experiments have turned him blue. Monkey Fist and D.N.Amy are both over the .2 limit, but since it’s still terrestrial genetics they still qualify as human.”
“What about Team Go?” said Monique.
Wade appeared on the Kimmunicator. “I just checked. Apparently, Shego was affected by the meteor more then they were. All four of them are just barely under the .2 cut-off line.”
“Someone is definitely targeting Shego.” said Kim, frowning.
“Look.” said Ron. “Maybe you have a point. But Global Justice has already declared Shego an animal. I don’t see what you can do to stop them, or why you would even want to.”
“Because wrong is wrong, even when you’re doing it to a villain.” said Kim.
Shego cursed as she cowered in the shadows of the alley. Part of her wanted to hate Dr. Drakken, for throwing her out of his latest lair without even letting her get her stuff. Dr. Drakken had pointed out that his entire operation would be at risk if Global Justice though Shego was there. Since they were chasing a wild animal that was dangerous to humans, Global Justice didn’t have to stop to get search warrants. Also, it seemed the new head of Global Justice was actively encouraging collateral damage… at least, if that damage occurred to anyone he suspected was sheltering Shego.
All the accounts Shego had tried to access, even ones she would have sworn there was no way Global Justice could have known about, were totally frozen. While there were a few numbered accounts in Swiss banks that Shego was sure that Global Justice couldn’t freeze, those accounts unfortunately required time to access. Time in which the agents hunting her could find and kill her.
She had been forced to take out three teams so far. The last team had gotten way too close… Shego was currently limping due to one of them, and she wasn’t a hundred percent sure that all three of the pursuing agents would survive what she had done to them.
Screw them she told herself firmly. They think I’m an animal, I’ll act like an animal…
Shego’s brain tried to think. Her efforts to find refuge in the super villain community had all failed. Even the Senor Seniors had refused to aid her, with Senor Senior Sr. declaring it would ruin his reputation to be associating with an animal. Shego had even been so desperate as to consider contacting D.N.Amy, but had firmly decided not to. There was no telling what that cuddle-buddy obsessed woman would do to Shego, knowing that Shego was legally declared an animal.
The thought of cuddle-buddies reminded Shego of the one other person she knew who collected cuddle buddies.
It was barely possible (ha… a pun) that the woman Shego was thinking of would help Shego, even if she could. But while they were mortal enemies, Shego had never truly thought of Kim as anything other then her greatest rival, worthy of respect. Shego just had to hope that Kim felt the same way.
Kim sighed, staring at the pages of an extra-credit assignment in her textbook. Even though it had been almost a week ago, she still couldn’t get the fax out of her mind, or Ron’s reaction to it. Wrong is wrong she thought to herself, firmly. I just wish I knew what I could do to make it right…
A knock on the window startled Kim. She walked over to the window, wondering if Ron had tried to climb up again. Much to Kim’s surprise, though, it wasn’t Ron who climbed in when she opened the window.
Instead, a very tired, disheveled looking Shego slid in. Kim noticed that, for someone who looked like what the cat dragged in, Shego was moving surprisingly cat-like and quiet. Either she didn’t want anyone to hear her, or she was moving that silently because Shego was just used to moving like that.
“Shego! What are you doing here?” said Kim. She moved to get her Kimmunicator.
“Please… don’t call anyone.” said Shego. “Look. I’m in no shape to fight. If you want, you can throw me out right now without reinforcements. But PLEASE… I literally don’t have anyone else to turn to.”
“Why not turn yourself in to the police?” said Kim, reflexively.
Shego glared at her. “I’ve actually thought about it, Possible. Problem is, they think I’m an animal. Shoot on sight sound familiar?”
Kim gasped. “You’re kidding. They told the police to shoot you on sight?”
Shego didn’t answer verbally. Instead, she turned, holding out a green-clad leg. Kim was able to see a gash in the fabric, and a matching gash in the flesh below. “Bullet grazed me, or even my body couldn’t have gotten me away.” said Shego.
“Who shot you?” said Kim, staring at the wound.
“Some cop, about a couple hours ago. Managed to knock him and his partner out…” Shego shook her head. “Had to slam his head against a brick wall to keep him from trying to shoot me a second time… might have given him a concussion.”
Kim looked at the woman, aware that Shego must have been at the end of her rope to come to Kim. Even in this state, Shego actually seemed worried that she might have given some guy who tried to kill her a concussion.
“You’re not an animal, no matter what Global Justice says.” said Kim, firmly. “What they’re doing… hunting you down… it’s wrong.”
“I’m glad you feel that way.” said Shego, softly. “But telling a bullet that it’s wrong won’t stop it. And even I’ll die from a bullet shot to the head or chest.”
“Can’t you hide somewhere?” said Kim.
“Doy, Albino green skin?” said Shego. “Not a lot of raven-haired albinos in the world, Kim. I’m used to hiding out with Dr. Drakken and sending a henchman when we need a public face. But all the henchman stayed with Dr. D, and he told me that he can’t risk me around the lab.”
“I thought you guys had a contract.” said Kim.
“We did.” said Shego, snarling. “He pointed out a contract with an ‘animal’ isn’t legally binding.”
“Look… Global Justice has to realize, sooner or later, that what they did was wrong.” said Kim, firmly. “Until then… look, I can hide you from them, for awhile, but you’ve got to stay low. No crime, no going out.”
Shego blinked. “You mean that?”
“Wrong is wrong.” said Kim, firmly, wondering when it had become her new mantra. “If you believe something is wrong, you have to fight it…”
“It’s not safe.” said Shego. The promise of safety, however, was causing her adrenaline to subside. The woman’s voice was slurred with exhaustion.
“It’s more important to be right than safe.” said Kim, firmly. “Look, sleep here tonight, and tomorrow I’ll arrange for Wade to find you a safe house.”
Kim went to the linen closet to get some spare blankets and sheets. Her dad had taken the tweebs out to a late night sci-fi movie, and her mom was busy at the hospital. Hopefully, if they all thought she was asleep, no one would come and check on her.
When she came to the room, she discovered that Shego had already fallen asleep. The woman was sprawled on top of the covers, looking as innocent and vulnerable as Kim had ever seen her. Kim could see dark bags under Shego’s eyes, and there was a sickly looking green-and-blue bruises on the side of Shego’s face.
“This isn’t right.” said Kim, to herself. She spread one of the blankets she had gotten on top of the sleeping Shego, then laid another blanket down on the floor by her bed for herself. She set the alarm on her Kimmunicator to wake her up before the rest of the family would get up, so she could see about sneaking Shego out.
Kim woke up as the Kimmunicator vibrated and buzzed. She looked up, to see a pair of emerald-green eyes staring down at her.
“Oh… Shego…” said Kim.
“Look, Possible.” said Shego. “I just wanted to say thanks for letting me sleep one last night as a free woman. Now, I’ll be on my way…”
“Shego, stop.” said Kim. “I told you last night, I think what Global Justice is doing to you is wrong. And I’m going to try to stop it.”
Shego frowned. “Look, Kim, I don’t need some little goodie-two-shoes to help me…”
“Shego, last night you were drop-dead exhausted.” said Kim. “It would have been drop dead, period, if Global Justice or the Police had found you from what you said. I want to help.”
“Why?” demanded Shego.
“Because I know that, whatever else you are Shego, that you are not two things.” said Kim. “One: You’re not an animal. Two: You’re not a killer. A thief, an evil henchman, a beautiful woman, one of the greatest hand to hand fighters I’ve ever seen, but not a killer.”
Shego blinked at hearing the ‘beautiful’ mixed in with the list. “Look, Possible… I can’t stay at your house. It’s not safe, for you or your family.”
“No, it’s not.” admitted Kim. “But I don’t care about safe for myself, and I do have an idea how to make it safer for my family.”
“How?” demanded Shego.
“I’m owed a lot of favors.” said Kim. “I figure if I get Wade checking, he can find someone who owes me a favor and who can keep you out of Global Justice’s clutches long enough for us to figure out how to get Global Justice to stop hunting you.”
“Hey, KP!” said Ron, greeting Kim at her locker after their final class of the day. “Another late night studying?”
“Yeah, something like that.” said Kim. Actually, she and Wade had both been up late, studying legal codes and charters. Even Shego had tried to help, participating via video-conferencing, before she had gotten bored and fallen asleep.
Unfortunately, while what Global Justice had done to Shego was immoral, in Kim’s book, she couldn’t find anywhere where it was illegal. Global Justice had some extremely bright lawyers working for them, ones who knew every detail of international law. The United Nations law, defining human, clearly placed Shego outside the realm of civil rights. Until they found some way to stop Global Justice from hunting Shego, they couldn’t even do anything to get the ruling changed.
“Want to go with us to the Bueno Nacho?” said Ron. “Me and my pet-pal here are planning to Grande-size it.”
“Buenos Nachos, yah!” squeaked Rufus.
“Pet pal… that’s it!” said Kim. “Ron, you’re a genius!”
Kim rushed out of the school, to go home and tell Wade and Shego her idea.
“Hear that, Rufus?” said Ron. “I’m a genius.”
He paused. “Hey, Kim!” he shouted, after the running figure. “Are we going to Bueno Nacho or what?”
Kim and Shego sat in the living room of a small but luxuriously outfitted house. The owner owned several homes through out the US, and was more than willing to loan this one to Kim in return for the way she had rescued his cat, Muffins, from a tree. The cat, a rare Ming-Fee-Line, had somehow gotten on a tree that had fallen in the middle of a raging river. Kim had managed to save Muffins just before the tree went over a fifty foot water-fall.
Kim’s Kimmunicator sat propped up on the table, showing a video image of Wade. Kim had just explained her brainstorm to Shego and Wade.
“You want to WHAT?” said Shego, frowning.
“Look, it’s a temporary fix.” said Kim. “They say you’re a wild animal? Fine, we’ll make it so you’re not wild.”
“Technically, it’s completely legal.” admitted Wade. “If you’re an animal, you can be adopted by Kim. There’s no rules concerning your species against you becoming a pet, since you don‘t have a defined species.”
“Technically, it‘s bonkers.” said Shego. “If we do this, we‘re letting Global Justice know right where I am.”
“Yeah, under MY protection.” said Kim. “If they do anything to you, Wade sets his pack of lawyers on them.”
“The firm of Allotta, Stuff, and Nonsenz owes me a lot of favors for legal research.” said Wade. “They’d be glad to take on the case. It might even be the stepping stone we need to convince the world courts to declare you human again.”
“That doesn’t help me much if what they declare human is my corpse.” said Shego.
“Look, the current director of Global Justice is making a big point of he’s working within the law.” said Wade. “If you become a pet, he can’t touch you, legally, and he can’t try anything illegally without destroying his credibility. All those crimes you committed don’t count since animals can’t break the law. As long as you act like a pet, and aren’t a danger to anyone, you’re safe.”
“It’s the ‘act like a pet’ I’m having a problem with.” said Shego. “I’m kinky, but I’m not THAT kinky.”
“Shego!” said Kim, blushing.
“How are you going to explain it to people? Especially your family?” said Shego. Shego was well aware that Kim’s family was very important to Kim.
“Well… my parents don’t know I’m hiding you from GJ.” said Kim. “But I have talked the non-human issue over with them. My mom is definitely against it, saying that any doctor would certify you human despite your mutations. Dad just said something about cosmic rays and kept reading. Dad doesn’t pay attention to much that’s happening in atmosphere.”
“Middleton has some pretty advanced pet registration systems.” said Wade. “That actually works in our favor… once we have the data, I can slip it right into the computer systems. By the time Global Justice finds out, Shego will be all registered.”
Shego frowned. “I don’t like it.” she said. “But I don’t like being cooped up, hiding, all the time. It’s time to fight legal-ese with legal-ese.”
“So, you’ll agree to be my pet?” said Kim.
Shego frowned but put her hands on the table, fingers curled in to look like paws. “Meow.” she said.
“You’ve got to be kidding.” said Shego. “You brought the buffoon over?”
“You’ve got to be kidding.” said Ron. “You’ve been helping Shego hide out?”
“Look, you two.” said Kim. “Ron, you know that I think that what Global Justice is doing to Shego is wrong. Wade and I think we have a way that I can stop Global Justice hunting Shego, long enough to get her declared human.”
“Assuming I want to be declared human.” said Shego.
Kim turned to look at Shego, startled.
Shego smirked. “I mean, the situation we discussed just offers SO many possibilities…”
“What situation?” asked Ron, even as he noticed that Kim was suddenly blushing.
“Um, Ron…” said Kim. “I was kind of thinking of…. Um, me being Shego’s… I mean, Shego being my… um…”
“I followed her home.” said Shego. “She wants to know if she can keep me.”
“Huh?” said Ron.
“Kim and Wade decided that if I’m an animal, Kim can legally claim me as a pet.” said Shego.
“Right.” said Kim. “Ron, you registered Rufus as a pet, you know what’s required. I figured you can help.”
Ron blinked. “This is SO weird. You actually want Shego to be your pet?”
“It’s a legal fiction, Ron.” said Kim, firmly. “Just a way to stop Global Justice from killing her.”
“Aw, but I’d be a goooood pet…” said Shego, smirking as she saw Kim‘s face turn red. Shego was relying on Kim to help her, so Shego couldn’t even fight the cheerleader to burn off excess energy. But Shego found that making Kim blush was more fun than making Kim bleed.
“Kim, are you SURE you want to do this?” said Ron. “This is a whole cornucopia of disturbing concepts.”
“I’m sure, Ron.” said Kim firmly.
“Ok, KP.” said Ron. “I’ve got your back. I’ll go get the forms and be right back.”
Ron reached into his pocket and carefully took Rufus out. The naked mole rat was sleeping. “Rufus, wake up and meet Kim’s new pet…” Ron said.
Shego frowned, glaring at the rodent, then suddenly smiled.
Rufus blinked, waking up, and looked to see Shego… Specifically, to see Shego climbing on top of the table, on all fours. “Mousie…” Shego said, smiling to show off her teeth.
Rufus eeped and scrambled up Ron’s arm.
“Shego!” said Kim.
“Hey! No eating the sidekicks!” said Ron, backing up hurriedly to put more space between Rufus and Shego.
“Just kidding.” said Shego. “Can’t a pet have some fun?”
“I’ll… just go and get those forms now.” said Ron, scurrying out.
Kim frowned, crossing her arms in front of her. “Great, I need to find an obedience school to send you to.”
Shego laughed. The thought that Global Justice would soon not be able to shoot her on sight was a great relief to Shego. Enough so that the idea of being Kim’s pet seemed comical now.
Ron placed the form on the table and got out an ink pen. Rufus, glaring cautiously at Shego, stood on the table so he could read the form also. “Ok, question one: Name of pet.”
“Shego.” said Shego.
“Foo-foo.” said Kim.
Shego blinked and looked at Kim. “Foo-Foo?”
“Look, if we put Shego down on the form, Global Justice might realize what we’re doing before the form goes through.” said Kim. “We need a pet name for you.”
“NOT Foo-Foo.” said Shego, firmly.
“Hey, if you’re my pet, isn’t that my decision?” said Kim. She had decided that, if Shego was going to tease her about Shego being a pet, that Kim would tease right back. This was just another form of competition between the two very competitive women.
“She Go.” said Shego. “Shay-go. She’ll Go.”
The two women went for several minutes, Shego suggesting names that were very close to ‘Shego’, while Kim suggested ‘cutesy’ names.
“Look, just pick one!” said Ron.
“Shee-ga-roo?” suggested Kim.
“Still too cutesy.” grumbled Shego “But fine.”
Ron wrote it down. “Ok… Pet type. Dog, Cat, Hamster, Reptile, Parrot, Exotic”
“Exotic.” said the newly dubbed Shee-ga-roo firmly.
“Not a good idea.” said Wade, from where he’d been listening in on the Kimmunicator. “If you’re listed as exotic, there’s a bunch of rules about Kim needing to provide you with special living facilities and making sure you can’t escape to upset the local, natural eco-system.”
“Special living facilities sound good. The not escape, not so much.” said Shego. “What about dog?”
“How about cat?” said Kim. “Cat sounds good.”
Shego shook her head. “No way, there’s no way I’m using a litter box. And don’t even get me started on the pussy jokes.”
“Hamster?” suggested Ron. “That’s what I had to list Rufus as.”
“I’m a bit big for a hamster.” said Shego. “What’s wrong with putting me down as a dog? Enough people have called me a bitch, I might as well be one legally.”
“Reptile? Parrot?” said Kim.
“Reptiles legally require special housing also.” said Wade.
“And I am NOT the bird type.” said Shego. “Way too many run ins with Aviarius from my Team Go days. What’s wrong with calling me a dog?”
Kim blushed furiously. “Shego, there are LEASH laws in this area!”
“Oh. OH!” said Shego, her eyes going wide. She then grinned. “That sounds like fun…”
“There’s laws about cats being out also.” pointed out Wade. “Have to be kept on a harness, while dogs just need a collar.”
“Oooh, going to get me a collar, Kimmy?” asked Shego, smirking as she watched Kim’s face turn almost as red as her hair.
“Dog.” said Ron, firmly, as he marked the appropriate box. “What should I put for breed? Peruvian hairless?”
“I’ve got hair.” said Shego. “A Plasmon slinger?”
“More like a plasmanian devil.” said Kim.
The two women bickered, until settling on a ‘dark haired retriever’, appropriate considering how much stuff Shego had ‘retrieved’ for Drakken over the years.
Ron was able to fill out the weight and size portions of the form without any bickering. “Ok, just need a vet to check Shego out… I mean, Shee-ga-roo, and then we can send this in.”
“Whoa, whoa…” said Shego. “No one said anything about a vet.”
“Look, it’s required.” said Ron. “All the vet has to do is write on a piece of paper that he examined you, that you were in good health, and had gotten all the shots you needed. “
Shego frowned. “Can’t I go to a human doctor, at least?”
“Rules say it has to be a veterenarian” said Wade.
“I hate rules.” muttered Shego.
“Wade, check your records.” said Kim. “Find me a vet who owes me a favor.”
“Hi there, Doctor Didnamuch.” said Kim, standing outside the safe house. “Thanks for agreeing to make a house call.”
“Oh, no trouble after you and Ron helped treat that injured pet kangaroo” said Doctor Didnamuch.
“No big, it just happens Ron can speak marsupial.” said Kim. “Um, before I show you the pet, can I ask what your stance on patient confidentiality is?”
Doctor Didnamuch frowned. “Kim, is there some legal problem involving your pet? Is it dangerous?”
“Well, she can be dangerous.” admitted Kim. “And the legal problem will go away after you’ve checked her and I get her registered as my pet.”
Doctor Didnamuch scratched his head. “Kim, if this pet is a serious threat to people, I don’t think I can approve.”
“Look, just promise that you’ll come in and listen, and then not tell anyone.” said Kim. “If you don’t agree to help, just say so. I’ll consider the favor repaid as long as you don’t tell anyone. Nobody is going to get hurt, I want you to check this animal to keep someone from getting hurt.”
Doctor Didnamuch frowned. “You’re being very mysterious, but all right. I promise.”
“Good.” said Kim, opening the door. “Come on in, doctor.”
Kim waited until the doctor had closed the door. “Here, Shee-ga-roo!” Kim called.
“You’re enjoying this a little too much” grumbled Shego. Kim had been able to find some clothes in her closet that fit Shego. As a result, Shego was now wearing a mid-riff baring shirt and a pair of pants that were loose on Kim but tight on the slightly taller, more developed woman.
Doctor Didnamuch blinked in puzzlement. “I don’t understand.”
Kim quickly explained how Shego had been declared non-human, and how Kim wanted to ‘adopt’ Shego long enough to get the mess straightened out.
“But, if Shee-ga-roo… I mean, Shego, is such a dangerous criminal…” said Dr. Didnamuch.
“Look, doc.” said Shego. “Being chased like an animal forces you to reevaluate some stuff. I became a criminal for three reasons. First, to annoy my brothers, second for the adrenaline rush, and third for the money. I can’t spend money when I’m being hunted, I’ve had all the adrenaline I ever needed hiding from the kill-happy cops, and I’m old enough now that pissing off my brothers isn’t on my to-do list any more.”
“Shego!” said Kim, reflexively. “Watch your language!”
Shego rolled her eyes but made no other protest.
“Well… I think I see.” said Dr. Didnamuch. “So, all you need me to do is examine Shego and write out a note saying that she’s fine.”
“Just the note.” said Shego.
Dr. Didnamuch frowned. “Well, to be legal, I’d have to do a full examination. I did bring my medical bag.”
“I can’t believe this.” grumbled Shego. She shrugged out of the shirt and pants, standing in just a much-washed bra and panties. For the second time, she climbed onto the (Fortunately very sturdy) kitchen table, getting on all fours.
Dr. Didnamuch gave Shego a thorough examination, falling so much into routine that he only addressed Kim, forgetting that Shego could understand also.
“Well, her pulse rate and breathing all seem fine. No fleas, of course, and she doesn’t need any shots.” said Dr. Didnamuch. “Now, I have to check her body temperature.”
“Where ya planning to stick the thermometer?” growled Shego, nervously.
“Relax, this goes in your ear.” said Dr. Didnamuch.
The exam didn’t take long, and a much bemused Dr. Didnamuch left shortly afterwards, leaving a properly filled out and signed report with Kim.
The next three days were a mixture of mind numbing boring and nerve-wracking for Shego. She wouldn’t be safe until the paperwork was fully processed, which meant she had nothing to do but hide in the borrowed house. Every time someone came to the door, Shego had to wonder if Global Justice had somehow located her.
On the third day, a grinning Kim came in, carrying a brown envelope and a bag.
“Well?” said Shego. All this time alone by herself had left Shego with a craving for an identity, any identity… even if it was as Kim’s pet.
Smiling, Kim tipped the envelope over the table. A small, round metal tag slid out.
SHEE-GA-ROO
Property of:
Kimberly Ann Possible
If found, please call
(555)777234 or the
Middleton Pet Center
at 1-800-LOST-PET.
“So, all I have to do is carry this around in my pocket?” said Shego.
“Not exactly.” said Kim. She took a jet black collar from out of the bag. The collar seemed to be made of some hard, shiny plastic, made of two halves connected by a hinge. The inside of the collar was lined with some soft, padded material.
“What is that? Something from Smarty Mart?” asked Shego.
“No.” said Kim. “Wade thought Global Justice might get a bit tetchy and point out you can remove an ordinary dog collar. This is his answer. It locks when put on, requiring a special set of coded magnetic pulses to unlock. Also, the collar has a tracking system that only Wade or I can use to find you.”
Shego frowned suspiciously at the collar.
“Come on, please?” said Kim, her facial features slipping into the expression passed down through generations of Possible women, known as the ‘Puppy Dog Pout’.
Shego sighed and picked up the collar. The collar gave a faint ‘click’ as the two halves linked together, the locking mechanism and hinge so well hidden that the collar seemed one solid piece. Smiling, Kim carefully attached the tag to a D-Ring on the front of the collar.
“There.” said Kim. “Now you’re all mine.”
Shego tried to hide the shiver that Kim’s playful words caused her. “So, now what.” Shego said, trying to sound as if someone putting a collar and tag on her happened every week.
“Well, Wade sends a message to Global Justice telling them you’re now my pet. And then, the really hard part begins.” said Kim. She took a deep breath. “Explaining to my parents that I now have a pet.”