The sound of the concert raging outside could still be faintly heard from inside the bathroom. A new song was starting. The sobbing form of a woman shrunk into the corner, trying in vain to make herself inconspicuous. Another woman, a redhead, walked over to the huddled mass and tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but the green woman forced her back. The song broke into a powerful guitar riff that perfectly captured the emotion of the woman as she lifted her puffy face and tears streamed from her bloodshot eyes. Mucus ebbed from her nostrils, but she did not wipe it away. The redheaded woman knelt down to the same level as the green woman and opened her mouth to ask her the question that had been in the back of her mind ever since they arrived.
“What’s wrong, Shego?”
I don’t know who to trust, no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
The lyrics of the song playing outside said what Shego in her tear-choked agony could not. They spoke to her soul and gave meaning to her failed attempts to start a sentence. Kim tried to figure out what would drive the woman with whom she had just been having the time of her life to this. She knew that something was bothering Shego, but now she burned more than ever to discover what it was that pained her lover so. She needed to know so that she may fulfill her natural desire to help. For now she could only listen to the green woman’s incomprehensible sobs and the words to the song that gave them meaning.
Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much of me
Shego tried to force herself to speak but everything just came out gibberish. The feelings were beyond expression, yet this song managed to articulate exactly what she felt. It seemed bitterly ironic to Shego that it was music expressing what she could not that got them into this situation. Where it had once given her hope, it now cast her into the unfathomable depths of despair. She wanted to tell Kim how much she loved her, how the redhead made her whole and how knowing that she could never express this love tore her apart inside. It was her inability to express her true feelings that had landed Shego into this situation, and it was her continued inability to articulate the indescribable emotions she felt that perpetuated it. The song broke into chorus and declared the reason that Shego could not express her love.
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
’Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you
Shego did not trust herself. She could never forget all the terrible things she had done and the horrible person she had become. Now she had imparted those traits to Kim. The redhead had reminded Shego of herself when she was young and innocent, but thanks to Shego’s bad influence and inability to tear herself away the younger woman had come to resemble the part of Shego that she feared the most. She had infected Kim with every aspect that she hated about herself: rage, jealousy, carelessness, depravity, and everything that she had worked hard to bury but that found expression through the only one she had ever truly loved. If loving Kim meant destroying everything the redhead stood for and replacing it with herself, then that love was not worth expressing.
Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
“Shego, what’s going on?” Kim repeated. “Why won’t you talk to me?” She felt confused and rejected, and she did not like it. But she also sensed that her lover was in pain. Her hero instincts kicked in, and against Shego’s desires she pressed herself further into the matter when all Shego wanted her to do was get away from her before she caused any more damage.
Shego finally found the ability to speak coherently, but she still choked on the tears that constricted her throat. “I don’t deserve you, Princess.”
Kim was honestly surprised. After all, she was under the impression that this was all just a fling anyway and that Shego was just using her for her own desires. Of course, Kim had been doing the same to Shego, but now the green woman was admitting to her true motivations. Kim could not understand how a woman with as much self-confidence as Shego would think herself undeserving of anything, and yet here she was saying that she was not worthy of her.
Trying not to break but I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much of me
“This isn’t you, Princess,” Shego continued, indicating the smutty ensemble with that Kim was wearing. “It’s me. I’ve turned you into this. You’re going against everything you’ve ever stood for and it’s all because of me! I’ve turned you into something you’re not. You don’t belong with me, Kim. You belong with Stoppable.”
The mention of her old lover confused Kim even more thoroughly. “Ron? What does Ron have to do with this?”
“He has everything to do with this!” Shego screamed, standing up and throwing her hands in the air, then bringing them back down to her sides in defeat. “You and him were meant for each other, and I took all that away! All you’ve been doing is taking your feelings for him and channeling them into me! That’s not healthy, Kim! And it’s not fair to either of us!”
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
’Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you
“That’s not true!” Kim screeched. “I still think about Ron, yes, but this is completely different! This isn’t love! You said that yourself! This is about satisfying each other’s desires, and I desire you, not Ron! He’s dead, and I miss him everyday, but you’re the one I want! You! Not him!”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” Shego yelled as she grabbed Kim by the shoulders and shook her in a futile attempt to make her see reason. “You shouldn’t want me! You should want him! He’s your soul mate, not me! I’m just your fuck buddy! But you loved him and he loved you, and I know in your heart you still love him! I don’t want to ruin that, but I have! I don’t deserve you, Kim! He deserves you. Stop wasting your emotions on me and save them for the one you love!”
The song now entered a screaming portion, and the raw emotion perfectly embodied Shego’s self-sacrificial feelings and her frustrated attempt to make her lover see that all she wanted was Kim’s happiness, even if that meant losing her own.
I won’t waste myself on you
You
You
Waste myself on you
You
You
“I’ll decide who I want to waste my feelings on, and nobody is going to decide for me!” Kim shouted in her trademark refusal to be controlled as she pried Shego’s hands from her shoulders and pointed to herself, leaning closer to the green woman’s face to emphasize her point. “If I want to destroy myself by engaging in a relationship with you, that’s my choice and nobody is going to convince me to do what I don’t want to!” She pointed her finger at Shego, who now stood staring at her angrily as she saw the futility of her attempts to get Kim to let go. “Especially you! What happened to ‘two consenting adults exploring their desires who could quit any time they wanted?’” she paraphrased. “Why do you care what happens to me?”
“Because I love you!” Shego answered, finally releasing the feelings that she had worked so hard to keep hidden. Instead of feeling relieved, however, she only felt more pain, more confusion, more of a desire to do what had to be done.
Kim was stunned. She knew Shego had desires for her but she never would have thought that she… loved her? How could that be true? She couldn’t have heard that right. It just wasn’t possible, even for her, and especially not for Shego! Shego hated her! Her mouth opened as the instruments stopped playing for a second and only the words of the song remained.
“What?” she asked quietly before the instruments once more joined the words that so painfully amplified the intensity of the situation by reflecting it so perfectly.
I’ll take everything from the inside and throw it all away
’Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you
Everything from the inside and just throw it all away
’Cause I swear for the last time I won’t trust myself with you
You
You
“You heard me!” the pale woman shouted. “I love you! I love you enough to know that I don’t want to hurt you and myself by destroying who you are! And that’s exactly what I’ve done! I don’t deserve you, Kim, and you don’t need someone like me ruining your life! You have to let me go!” She grabbed Kim by the shoulders once more and shook the stunned woman violently, trying to get her to respond. But Kim just stared at her with a blank face.
“You… love me?” she asked. Her voice could barely be heard above the music, but it was just loud enough to reach Shego’s ears. She released her grip on the younger woman and hung her head in shame.
“Yes,” she said gently, just loud enough for Kim to hear. “Yes, I love you. And that’s why I have to let you go.” She started to walk away, leaving Kim standing there with a stunned expression, unable to comprehend what just happened. The redhead continued to stare for several seconds after Shego left just trying to take it all in. After a few moments, she finally found the strength to move. She began to run towards the door through which Shego had just exited.
“Shego, wait!”
This is one of the most difficult chapters I’ve ever had to write. It’s a bit short, but I believe that brevity is the best way to sell the emotional moment. The next chapter will be short as well, and then I’ll move back into the longer chapters. I worked hard on delivering a devastating emotional punch in this chapter, and I hope you like the song I picked. The one in the next chapter is going to rock as well.
I’m taking a short break from my writing to focus on schoolwork, so I won’t be able to update as often as I’d like. I’ll still try to put out a chapter a week. I would like to take the time to thank Zokolov for his support of this story and for being my number one fan. Check out that guy’s stories. He has a lot of potential as a writer. I’d also like to thank King in Yellow for his invaluable support and critical evaluation of my writing that has helped me to improve. I’d also like to extend a thank you to all the folks on the Kim Possible Discussion board for helping me to iron out the kinks in this story and for accepting me as one of their own. Good luck to everybody in the Fannies and thank you for nominating me even though I didn’t make the top three. There’s always next year, and there’s already talk of nominating this one for “Best Story.” I’m truly honored to be in such distinguished company and I am extremely grateful for all the attention that this story has received. I wish you all luck on your own writing and thank you for taking the time to read mine. I love you guys. Please read and review. No flames, please.
beeftony