“This can't end well, you know.”
“Well, it was YOUR idea to do this, remember? I think it's a little late to start bringing in the doubts now, don't you?”
“But look at them! They're all…sinfully snuggled and everything! I can't work with that!”
“Has it ever occurred to you that some of your little playmates wouldn't ‘sinfully snuggle’ if you didn't screw with their lives so much that they turned to the nearest person for comfort?”
“You're trying to say that some of this is my fault, aren't you?”
“No, I'm DEFINITELY saying that this is ALL your fault.”
“Fine, fine. Should we wake them?”
“I suppose. But it's your mess, so you do it.”
Shego grunted as something sharp prodded her in the side. Without even looking, she reached back with a flaming hand and snapped the offending object in two.
“HEY! You broke my Official People Poker!”
“I keep telling you they don't like that, Long. It's only the dead ones you can poke without complaint. And even then, I'm sure their spirits would be offended.”
Neither was a voice she recognized, so Shego slowly turned over.
The first thing she noticed was that they were no longer in the apartment. The couch was still there, at least, and so was Kim, but other than that, everything else had been replaced by a thick fog. Gradually, she also became aware of the two balls of light, one red and one blue. The blue one was trembling in a rather agitated manner, and the broken remains of what seemed to be a very long pole floated just beneath it.
“I knew that energy bar smelled funky,” Shego sighed, shaking her head. “I just hope this means I'm dreaming and not crazy.”
“You're crazy!” the blue ball cried.
“Well, of course you're not crazy!” the red ball snapped. “Though I could hardly blame you if you were. You see, Long here was AAAAAAH!”
Shego had grabbed the red ball in mid-speech and was now poking it experimentally. “Hmm. So you're not a hallucination.”
“Dear lady, if you would be so kind as to release me?”
“In a minute,” Shego murmured, continuing to poke. It was actually kind of fun.
“If you really want to know, HE is the one that poked you.”
“Oh. Well, that's different, then.” Shego casually fired a plasma blast at the blue ball, sending it screaming into the distance.
“That was hardly necessary.”
“It was fun, though.”
“Point taken. But aren't you the least bit curious as to why we've brought you and your soulmate here?”
“I don't…soulmate? You mean Kimmie?”
“Ah, yes. ‘Kimmie,’ as you insist on calling her, is your soulmate, for lack of a better phrase. That is, she is, or was, exactly half of your entire soul. As you correctly hypothesized, she is now an entire soul unto herself. And let me tell you, that took some doing.”
“Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me a couple of bouncy balls are responsible for what happened to Kimmie and me?”
“Yes. NO! We are not balls! And we do not bounce.”
“You're a squishy, glowing ball.”
“That is merely a form we have taken so as to not disturb your delicate human minds. Since your dreams so frequently contained childhood scenes, I thought you would be more comfortable with children's toys.”
“I'm sorry, but the thought of bouncy balls making my life hell is a bit disturbing, if you get my drift.”
The red ball sighed. “Again, we are not mere balls. We are servants of Greater Good. That means we are largely responsible for all the good things that happen to people.”
“And yet you royally screwed up MY life,” Shego snarled.
“I fear that was mostly Long's fault. You see, he's a transfer from Way of the World, which does most of what you'd consider the bad things. And while he doesn't mean to be, he's very good at his job…his old one, that is.”
“So this is all his fault.”
The red ball hesitated. “Not entirely. While splitting you was Long's doing, I was the one who placed ‘Kimmie’ in a new body.”
“Why?”
“To be honest, rejoining you two would be even more uncomfortable than the initial split. Also, there was no guarantee the process would have been successful or worthwhile. You could've very well ended up hating each other so much that you might've literally torn yourself in two. I thought it best if you remained separate, but drawn to each other despite that.”
“Okay.” Shego frowned thoughtfully. “Maybe you better start at the beginning. And a name would be convenient.”
“You may refer to me as Crawford.”
Shego shook her head. “No wonder you guys are so messed up…”
“Is she gone yet?”
Kim sighed and peeked over the couch, feeling rather silly. “Of course not. She's right over there, talking to your…um…friend. But I think she's out of earshot, at least.”
The blue ball sighed in relief. “Thank goodness! Why, I've never seen such disrespect and disregard for divine beings and manners!”
“I thought you said you've been watching us?” Kim asked suspiciously. “How can you have been watching Shego and NEVER have seen that?”
“Oh. Well…I've never experienced such rudeness personally, then.”
“Clearly. I think you'll live, though. I mean, if you really ARE a divine being and all, mortals can't seriously hurt you.”
“Was that a shot at me? That sounded a lot like a shot at me.”
Kim rolled her eyes. “So explain to me how this is your fault?”
“HEY!”
“Look, there's only four of us here, and so far two agree that this is your fault. The burden of proof is on you, blue boy.”
“It's Long, actually, and I'll thank you NOT to blame everything on me before you hear the whole story!”
Kim smirked. “The whole ‘comet crashing into Earth’ thing was your idea, wasn't it?”
“Arguably.”
“In what sense is that debatable, Long?”
“It wasn't SUPPOSED to hit Earth. It was supposed to hit Shego and her brothers.”
“It kinda really did.”
“Well, no. It was supposed to hit them…and kill them. Instantly.”
“And you know this how?”
“They were all scheduled for early departures. I still have the ticket stubs to prove it! But something went wrong…or right, I guess you would say, since it resulted in you getting that body. Anyway, the next thing WE knew, instead of being dead, they were running around with our leftover powers-”
“What?”
Long sighed dramatically. “The comet was less a comet and more a former skipping stone that was taking up space. So it fell to me to get rid of it, and since they were supposed to die anyway, I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone. Literally. Sorta.”
“So you threw a rock the size of a football stadium and missed.”
“I did NOT miss! It him them, I saw it! They just got up and kept going! After a few days, that is. They must have absorbed some of the divine DNA left in the rock.”
“Divine DNA?”
“Hey, I happen to be dumbing this down SEVERELY for YOU, human.”
Kim snorted. “Don't bother. My parents taught me better than to throw rocks at people. Especially from great heights. Only causes problems and property damage.”
“I've decided. I don't like you much.”
“The feeling is mutual. And at least I didn't blast you.”
“Point taken.”
“So tell me more about this little blunder of yours.”
“Hey!”
“What? I said it was a little one.”
Shego was in a surprisingly good mood, all things considered. Something about keeping Crawford under her arm, she suspected. Maybe that was the effect all agents of Greater Good had on people.
“So I should be dead.”
“Let me assure you, it wasn't my call to make,” Crawford replied. “There was a very big fuss when our superiors found out. Long nearly lost his job over it.”
“Why didn't he?”
“I came up with a solution of sorts.”
“Kimmie?”
“That, and we would personally oversee the remainder of your lives to prevent any further mishaps on the divine level. The arrangement actually worked out better than I'd hoped. Well, until now.”
Shego looked at him…it. “Then you know why my powers are on the blink?”
“I'm afraid you're too perceptive for your own good, my dear. You are indeed dying. Rather, your body is. The reason for that is rather confusing, though. I am of the opinion that the split in your soul negatively impacted your mind, which in turn is struggling to maintain your powers and your body at the same time. Your mind simply isn't used to not having those powers anymore, and it won't part with them.”
“And what does the blueberry think?”
“Long insists that the comet's impact is finally catching up with you, and that you are dying like you were supposed to. Well, not exactly like you were supposed to, but you know what I mean.”
Shego grunted. “I'm guessing this isn't one of those things I'm going to run away from.”
“I am truly sorry, my dear. My hands are tied. The obvious thing would be the removal of your powers, but as I said, your mind is hanging onto them by pure force of will. And I'm sure you know how strong yours is.”
“What about Kimmie?”
“I'm…not sure I know what you mean.”
“If I die…she's safe, right?”
“Hardly. Surely you know how she feels about you?”
Shego winced. “I meant because we're soulmates.”
“Physically, she'd be fine. Mentally…I fear your death would impact her the same way your losing her did you.”
“So she'd become evil?”
“Worse. The fact is, you created her. I only gave her a body. While it is true that you were virtually completely independent of each other for a time, that is no longer the case. If you die, I do not think you two will be apart for long.”
“You're the brains of this outfit. Can't you come up with something?”
“I have…a theory,” Crawford admitted. “But it could be dangerous. Rather than rejoining you two, it would only…merge certain parts of you. You would still be two separate people, just with…pieces of each other. Literally.”
“Sounds painful.”
“It can be. It also has to be completely mutual. However, I have been forbidden to suggest the idea to more than one of you. My superiors feel that for it to be completely mutual, both of you have to instinctively want this.”
“How can Kimmie want this without knowing about it?”
“Well, that is the catch. Would you be willing to try?”
Shego hesitated. She hadn't liked the idea of taking Kim's life away in any sense. This didn't sound quite as bad, but it would still call for some major sacrifice.
“I just…I don't care about me anymore,” Shego sighed. “I don't want Kimmie to suffer because of me. And it seems like whether I live or die, she will.”
“Then what is it you want most?” Crawford asked.
“I want Kimmie to be happy. And safe. And whole. No matter what it takes.”
“So be it.” Crawford began to pulse brightly, just before he exploded, encasing Shego's body in blinding red light.
“Shego isn't coming back with me, is she?” Kim asked quietly.
Long was rather blunt in his answer. “I estimated she had a few more days, but she could choose to check out early. It would simplify things for us, really.”
“You don't have a lot of friends, do you?”
“It's an occupational hazard, so no.”
“It doesn't even bother you that she's going to die, does it?”
“Not really, no. I was trying to kill her before. Her survival instincts are impressive…but not infinite.”
“What if we made a trade?”
Long sighed. “You've seen too many movies with untrue portrayals of the divine. It doesn't work that way. One life is not necessarily equal in value to another. Not even in this case. Besides, it's against the rules.”
“Shego is against the rules.”
“Well, you see how THAT'S turning out, don't you? Rules don't like being defied, and she's paying for it. You'd be smart to let her go. What has she ever done for you, anyway?”
“If you've watched us and you can't figure that out, me explaining it to you would be pointless. Shego…completes me. She gives me a greater purpose.”
“You're practically an agent of Greater Good yourself. What greater purpose is there?”
“Giving yourself to someone, and not expecting anything in return. I do it everyday, but it's different with Shego. With her, I can tell she not only appreciates it, but she needs it. Without each other, we're just…halves.”
“You're saying you'd give up your life for that rude, horrible woman?”
“Yeah. It's a people thing. You wouldn't understand.”
“Apparently. What is it that you see in her that's worth saving?”
Kim shrugged. “Me.”
“Very well. Just remember, what happens next is all YOUR fault.”
Before Kim could prepare herself, Long exploded into a dazzling field of electric blue, and then she knew no more.
Endnotes: For those who don't know, Crawford-Long is a hospital in Georgia. Why I picked those names should be clearer next chapter. Or maybe it already is, but I doubt it.
As a Christian Sunday School student, I once had a lesson on How Things Work In The World. Basically, you have God's Will, and then The Natural Way of Things. For the most part, we like to think God's Will is largely good things. Natural disasters, stuff like that, is Natural Way. At least, that's how I remember it.
If the concepts of Greater Good and Way of the World seem familiar, I based them loosely on the Lords of Order and Chaos, respectively. Or maybe it was that lesson. I don't know, I've read more comics and Neil Gaiman than I have the Bible, and it all blends at some point.
Of course the title comes from The Wizard of Oz.