“Hey guys, if it isn’t Ronnicus the Unstoppable,” the sturdily built blond gladiator said to general mirth at his mess hall table in the gladiatorial school.
“Yo, my man Briccus! How are you, man?” Ronnicus said, placing his hand on Briccus’s bare shoulder.
“Touch me again, and I’ll cut that arm off.”
“Er, okay, sure thing, man!” Ronnicus said, hurriedly taking his hand off from Briccus’s shoulder, and nearly spilling the food in the bowl he held with the other. “Right… back… at you…? Okay, no talking to you, got it.”
Scurrying off to find a free seat, Ron soon found himself a place to eat in peace. “Okay, so it’s next to the latrines,” he said to the molerat currently nestled inside a pouch tied to his waist, “but hey, hygiene isn’t thatbig a deal, right? I mean, what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger, right?”
He proffered his food bowl to the mole rat. “Here, you want some?”
The molerat took a look at the lumpy brown goo steaming in the bowl, then looked inside the latrine-
“Oo-hoo, pass,” it squeaked out, turning an interesting shade of green.
“You loss, little guy,” Ronnicus said, digging in with gusto. “You know, I really need to give you a name-”
“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any worse, Ronnicus, you start talking to animals.”
“Oh, uh, hi, Bonita,” Ronnicus said, blushing furiously and hoping the girl now approaching him wouldn’t notice. “So uh, you coming to see me in the arena tomorrow?”
Bonita Messalina sniffed. “Yeah, sure,” she said dismissively.
“Really?” Ronnicus asked, his smile threatening to do what other gladiators failed to do because hey were laughing too much: take off his head.
“Like, NO!” Bonita said, smirking wickedly. “Gods, you’re an even bigger loser than Pyrrhus.”
“Not like me, right?” Briccus asked.
“No, Briccus, not like you,” she sighed dreamily as she wrapped herself around his arm.
“Man, what chance does a guy like me have with a girl like her?” Ronnicus asked quietly.
“None!” the molerat squeaked cheerfully.
“Not-helping!”
“Sorry.”
Suddenly, a loud voice boomed across the hall. “All right you goons,” it said in clipped tones, “listen up! The boss is personally bringing in a few new gladiators today, and you all know what that means!”
“Yes, Master Barcus,” the assembled gladiators chorused unenthusiastically, not relishing the prospect of polishing their armor and weapons and making themselves presentable just so that some blue guy could cackle at them maniacally.
Besides, it meant taking a bath more than once a year.
A bath in which someone would inevitably drop the lathering sponge.
(scene change)
The first thing Kiminax and Shiko found themselves trying to get used to after they stepped off the cart was the glare. After the prisonlike darkness of the cart, the two women found themselves having to shield their eyes from the intense glare of the sun reflected in the white dust of the courtyard.
The second problem, though, wasn’t so easily remedied.
“So, where are the gladiators?” a large, muscular middle-aged man asked the cart drover.
“They’re the ones, Master Barcus,” the drover said.
“Wait, what?” Master Barcus asked.
“Is there anything wrong, Master Barcus?” Kiminax asked, not wanting to get involved in any more trouble than she was in.
“Yeah, there’s something wrong,” Briccus said, before Barcus could interrupt, “they’re girls.”
“What?” Kiminax said incredulously.
“No, he just has a problem with girls being gladiators,” Bonita sneered, “because as any civilized human being knows, any woman worth anything won’t stoop so low as to become a gladiator- not that you two barbarians’d know anything about civilization. Or being human, for that matter.”
“That’s enough you three!” Barcus said, before continuing patronizingly, “You might hurt the merchandise.”
“Merchandise?” Kiminax said indignantly, while the cart drover (who had been at the slave market) decided that A) he should have chosen a safer occupation, and ?) it wasn’t too late to enlist in the Legions.
“Don’t worry, Master Barcus,” Briccus said, cracking his knuckles. “I’ll try to play nice.”
“For po’ li’l ol’ me? Aw, you shouldn’t have,” Shiko replied.
Briccus started by feinting a left hook, and Shiko did exactly as he had expected; moving to the right, his right. What he didn’t expect was Shiko expertly twisting out of the way of his other fist and grabbing it mid-spin, nor did he expect her to take hold of his other arm as she finished.
Using the surprised gladiator’s arms as leverage, Shiko flipped herself over his head, landed on her hands, and planted a mule kick squarely into his back, sending the burly gladiator crashing into the ground in front of Kiminax.
“Toldja,” Shiko said, grinning as she leaned over the fallen gladiator. “So, you had enough yet, or are you all funned out?”
“Ask him,” Briccus said, returning the grin.
“Shiko, look out!” Kiminax shouted as a shadow fell over the Moesian, but it was too late.
Shiko gasped as she suddenly found the life being crushed out of her. She looked up and saw a Nubian giant giving her a toothy grin as his bear hug slowly crushed the life out of Shiko, his dark brown skin glistening in the sunlight.
“Not so tough now, are you?” Briccus gloated, when he felt hands on his shoulders.
“That’s why she’s got me,” Kiminax whispered in his ear, a moment before she flipped herself over the surprised gladiator and launched herself feet first towards the Nubian-
“You do know I could have handled him myself,” Shiko said, rubbing some life back into her arms, as she got up from the wreckage of the fallen Nubian.
“You’re welcome, Shiko,” Kiminax grumbled.
“Hey, I’m just saying, you know,” Shiko replied easily.
“Ahem.”
“What?” Kiminax and Shiko asked in unison, before their faces fell at the sight before them.
In front of the two women were at least twenty other gladiators, some of them armed with the nonlethal wooden swords and staves used during practice sessions.
‘Nonlethal’ of course, being a very subjective term.
“Now you’re gonna- hey! What’d you do that for?” one gladiator said angrily to his neighbour.
“Do what? I didn’t do nuthin’!”
“You pinched my butt!”
“He did?” another gladiator asked.
“No I didn’t!”
“Heh, I thought he’d have liked it!” another gladiator laughed.
“Shut up!” the first gladiator shouted, his fist flying toward the speaker, who promptly ducked.
“Ow! What’d you hit me for?” yet another gladiator said, his eye darkening.
“I was trying to hit him!”
”Oh yeah, like you was ‘trying’ to deny that you liked him pinching your butt!”
“I did not pinch his butt!” And with a roaring battlecry, he launched himself at his accuser.
“Hey, break it up you- ow! Watch where you point that thing!” another burly gladiator said to the one next to him.
“What the underworld are you talking about?” the other gladiator asked indignantly.
“That wooden sword of yours! Watch it! Jupiter! It’s bad enough you don’t know how to use a real one-”
“Take that back!”
“Make me!”
All through the crowd, similar arguments started breaking out, and as the astonished girls watched, the gladiatorial crowd soon degenerated into a massive melee, a brawl in which the insults flew as easily as the fists.
“You hit like a girl!”
“My boot! Your gluteus! Let’s talk!”
“WHAT did you call my momma?”
“You wanna know what my problem is? I can’t decide whether to kick your butt or your face- they both look alike and do the same thing!”
“I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle.” (Said in the speaker’s native language; sometimes things get lost in the translation.)
Pretty soon, almost all the gladiators were lying on the ground, moaning and groaning, and the only ones standing were the first two speakers.
“You… pinched… don’t deny…” the accuser said, tiredly throwing a halfhearted punch that missed completely.
“Did… not,” the other gladiator said equally tiredly.
“Dude, he’s right, you know,” a voice piped up.
All those still standing turned to the speaker. “Rufus did it,” Ronnicus said, holding up his little pink rodent.
“Rufus?” Master Barcus asked in dazed disbelief, as his eyes darted back and forth from the naked molerat and the fallen gladiators.
Naked molerat.
Eighteen fallen gladiators.
“We’re gonna… get you,” the first gladiator said, before toppling over.
Naked molerat.
Nineteen fallen gladiators.
“Yeah, gonna… get… you… good…” the second guy said, before he too keeled over.
Naked molerat.
Twenty gladiators, they all fall down…
“Twenty one,” Master Barcus said dreamily, before he too, fell over like the Colossus Of Rhodes.
For a few moments, there was silence. Then-
“Are you three aware,” Bonita began quietly, before continuing, “of what you have JUST DONE?”
“No,” Shiko said, “but if it makes you feel better, you can tell us.”
“These were my family’s most prized gladiators! They cost us a fortune!”
“Wait,” Kiminax said, holding up her hands, “your family? I thought Dracus owned them.”
“Tuh! As if! Like he could afford everything he’s got on his salary!” Bonita said, before suddenly stopping herself.
“You were saying something?” Shiko asked.
“Nothing,” Bonita snarled. “Anyway, just so you know, I’m going to make sure the three of you pay for what you’ve-”
“Oh please, Bonita, don’t be so melodramatic,” Dracus said, as he and his entourage entered the gates, their approach having gone unnoticed in the general hubbub of the fight.
“Melodramatic?” Bonita asked. “Look at what they’ve done! Just- look!”
“All I see is proof of fifty thousand sesterces well spent.”
“Fifty…? Fifty… what? You IDIOT! My father will hear of this!” she shrieked
“I’m sure he will,” Dracus said, seemingly without fear. “If you’re finished, one of my men will gladly escort you to your mansion,” he said, motioning to one of his riders.
If looks could kill, Dracus’s remains would have fit in a miser’s purse. As it was, Bonita turned to the three standing gladiators. “This isn’t over,” she said, before gesturing in no uncertain terms for the unlucky rider to get off his horse and make room for her, Dracus seemingly lost in the benevolent gaze he was giving the victors of the fight.
At least, until he was sure Bonita was out of earshot. “Do you three have any idea what you have DONE?” he asked frantically.
“Dude, she just told us,” Ronnicus said.
“Don’t play smart with me- what’s your name again?”
“Uh, Ronnicus?”
“Whatever. Gah!” he shouted, burying his head in his hands for a moment. “Wait, wait, I think- I think I know how to handle this situation,” he said. “Guards! Take these two,” he said, gesturing to Kiminax and Ronnicus, “to the gladiatorial quarters! And this one,” he said, pointing to Shiko, “take her to the chambermaid, and get her dressed in something nice. Something green, yes, that’d suit her nicely,” he said lasciviously.
“Over my-” Kiminax said, before Shiko interrupted.
“Come on, Red, you don’t think I can handle myself?”
“But-”
“I said I can handle myself, okay?” Shiko suddenly retorted, in far harsher tones than Kiminax would have ever expected.
“Excuse me? Yeah, I know we just met,” Ronnicus said to Kiminax, “But I get the feeling she knows what she’s talking about.”
”Yeah, what- that guy said.”
“My name’s Ronnicus!”
“Whatever.”
As she and Ronnicus were led away, Shiko in another, Kiminax knew that Bonita was right in more ways than she had thought.
This definitely wasn’t over.
In 226 BC, an earthquake leveled the Colossus Of Rhodes, one of the Seven Wonders Of The Ancient World. According to Pliny The Elder, “Few people could warp their arms around its thumb,” and that “Each of its fingers was larger than most statues.” (Ptolemy III of Egypt offered to rebuild it, but the Rhodians declined after an oracle warned them that it would displease Helios- ironically, the god the Colossus had been built to honour).
See kids? Learning CAN be fun!