The confrontation in the Possible house was put on hold long enough for the mess to be cleaned up and for our heroes (?) to find new clothes. The argument recommenced in the kitchen shortly afterwards.
“MOM, I can’t believe that you actually did… well… THAT with HIM!” Kim pointed at Ted as she stared in exasperation at her mother.
“Kimberly, I’m not a robot. We’ve talked about this; you told me yourself that you wouldn’t be upset when I finally moved on.” Anne gave her daughter a condescending glance. “I don’t know why, but that young man revs my engine!”
“EWWW, he’s not a young MAN, he’s some kind of devil chimp!” Kim gritted her teeth at the two freaks.
“Hey, we’re not monkeys!” Ron snorted in response. “I hate monkeys!”
“Holy shit, she’s your mom!” Ted slithered up next to Anne and nuzzled her neck. “That explains the redheaded hotness, but it doesn’t explain why she’s so nice and you’re a mean ol’ bitch!”
“I’ll show you a bitch!” Kim grabbed a knife off of the table and lunged at Keening, only to be stopped by her mom.
“Now Kimberly Anne, you had that coming! You did kill them, after all.” Anne crossed her arms and frowned at her baby girl.
“Why do you always side with the bad guys?” The enraged college girl dropped the knife and gave the intervening matron a puzzled stare.
“These two young men aren’t bad guys; they just need a safe and positive environment in which to thrive. I think I can turn them around, with a little TLC.” Anne shot the three a wink.
“MOM, have you gone CRAZY?!” The Kim-ster nearly fainted at the statement.
“Now I want all of you to play nice while I’m at work.” The sexy woman strutted over to Ted and grabbed his ass. “Keep your evening open.”
“Yes MA’AM!” The horny fiend gave a quick salute and turned to mock the younger Possible. “HAW HAW!”
“Dirty son-of-a…” Clenching her fists in rage, Kim turned to leave the room. “I have things to do today, so I don’t want you two animals defecating on my floor while I’m out!”
“I told you, we’re NOT monkeys!” Ron puffed up defensively. “I only pooped myself that one time!”
Ted arched an eyebrow at his partner. “Dude?”
“I don’t care, just don’t touch anything!”
“We’re here as part of a curse on you, doesn’t that scare you at all?” Ron rubbed his chin in befuddlement.
“No, it doesn’t, I go up against villains WAY scarier than you guys.” The world saver rolled her eyes in obvious contempt. “At least, I used too…”
“Are you sayin’ we can’t CUT IT?!” Ted became agitated at the remark.
“Oh boy, you shouldn’t have said that!” Ron took a step back.
“That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying, you two are not scary! The whole “curse” claim is about as intimidating as a gang of hamsters!” Kim tossed a snide grin and disappeared out the front door, leaving the two alone to process the insult.
“Okay, buddy, she was just kidding.” Ron tugged at his collar and swallowed hard. “Right?”
Ted stood fuming for a moment, grinding his teeth and clenching his fists. Whirling around dramatically, the blue imp shot a fist forward in a mock kung-fu pose.
“She has insulted our pride and challenged our dojo, we must AVENGE!” Grabbing a long, black bit of cloth from his pocket, he tied it around his skull like a headband. “For the HONOR!”
“Aw, man!”
Anne Possible pointed her SUV towards the hospital, as she did practically everyday for as long as she remembered. Just as the medical building came into view, she quickly veered off and headed towards the “secret” point. Approaching what appeared to be the blank wall of an abandoned building, Anne pressed a red button under her dashboard and the hidden ramp revealed itself. Her vehicle vanished into the street below, as the passageway closed behind her.
Uniformed lackeys followed her in droves as she marched down a steel corridor, her thick-heeled boots clacking against the metal floor. Her long, black cape perfectly matched her ebony cat suit that sported tasseled shoulder pads and golden buttons. The villainess known as the “Brain Surgeon” had arrived at her secret headquarters located under the very town in which her alter ego lived. Taking a seat in her golden throne, Anne Possible summoned her subordinates.
“So, how is our little mind control project coming?” The redhead patted the lackey on his head and smiled.
“Well, ma’am, we’ve managed to convince this chicken that he’s actually Nicole Ritchie.” The nameless follower who was dressed like a soda jerk removed the top from a plastic container and winced at the animal inside.
“Why is this bird so skinny?” The villainess crossed her arms and waited for an explanation.
“We kept feeding it, but it kept puking it back up!”
“I’m sorry sweetie, but this just won’t do.” The Doctor placed a metallic gauntlet over her hand and extended her middle digit. Pointing it at the flustered crony, a bolt of electricity flew from the tip and fried the “jerk” to a crisp. The man sizzled for second before keeling over.
“I really have to thank the boys down at R&D for coming up with this; I really love giving people the “finger”!” Anne giggled to herself, but quickly turned her attention to her assembled henchman. “I’m happy to announce I’ve got another great idea! I’ve just come upon some interesting specimens whose DNA could be useful.”
“Useful for what?” A female operative peeped her query.
“For making henchman who can’t die, honey.” The elder Possible gave the cute little girl a cookie. “If that idea doesn’t work, we can always sell the results to the pet food industry.”
“May I just say, that’s the smartest thing I’ve heard all day.” A flamboyant follower stepped forward, only to be zapped for his effort.
“Nobody likes a suck-up, John.” Anne’s frown turned to a girlish grin. “Did I mention how much I love giving people the “finger”?”
The Middleton Industrial Sector offered a plethora of filth and grime, but the worst place lie directly downhill from the treatment plant in the form of busted sewer lines placed across an open field. A large dust cloud barreled down the access road and turned sharply, as it plowed through a barbed wire fence and headed straight for the foul stretch of land. The dust parted to reveal a car, whose outside was covered with pieces of Kim Possible’s furniture secured by ropes and chains. The vehicle sped up as it splashed headlong into the stagnant waste, splattering the offal all over the captive bedroom set.
“Ya smell that, Ron?” Ted wore a big smile and a WWII flight cap as he did donuts through the shit. “That’s the smell of victory!”
Stoppable covered his nose and gagged. “Smells like William Shatner!”
After a few more laps, the two returned the befouled furniture to its proper place and ditched the stolen, crap covered car. Hailing a cab, Ted and Ron headed downtown to the local Stinko’s to run off a few thousand copies of a lewd picture of Kim that the two had edited with Anne’s computer.
“I still think we should have used Rosie Perez’s body for the shot.” Ron rubbed his chin as he looked over their dirty work.
“Rosie Perez, Rosie O’ Donnell… what’s the difference?” Ted began stuffing the pictures into envelopes addressed to nearly every correctional facility in the tri-state.
“Actually, there’s a pretty big difference…”
“Quiet, Ron, I’m working here!” Keening jimmied the copier’s lockbox open and began stealing the change.
Approaching the counter, the pair gave the clerk Kim’s credit card to pay for the copies.
“Ya know, neither of you looks like a Kim.” The clerk gave the two a glare of doubt.
“His name is Kim, he’s part Korean! You got a problem with that?” Ted pointed to the Ron-ster and glared right back.
“I am?!” Ron looked at his buddy with alarm.
“Here pal, have a free snap shot.” Keening handed a copy of the plagiarized photo to the guy.
“Was this chick exposed to radiation or something?” The clerk narrowed his eyes at the pair as he looked up from the copy.
“Radiation, Slim-Spa, all that crap…” Ted emptied the “take a penny” container and walked out, leaving Ron to carry the wheelbarrow full of letters.
Kim sat in a dentist’s chair patiently awaiting the doctor to finish another round of poker over the internet. Looking around the room, the redhead flinched and began asking herself why a professional orthodontist would hang pictures of dead celebrities in their coffins all over his operating room.
“Alright, Miss Probable, let’s get started!” Doctor Scrapeit pulled his surgical gloves on with a little “snap” and shot her a creepy smile.
“Possible… Kim Possible, I’ve been coming here since I was three!” Kim frowned and squirmed uncomfortably in her seat.
“Right-oh, now what color of grill do you want, gold, silver or Lil’ Jon?” The fellow held up a set of tricked out dental appliances that included every type of metal and gemstone known to man.
“I don’t want a GRILL; I’m here for a check up!” The young woman was becoming agitated.
The doc looked her over and squinted. “My cousin is a plastic surgeon; he could set you up with a fab-tabuliss breast enlargement!”
“Arrgghh, will you just check my TEETH already!” Possible was prepared to jump out of the chair and strangle the guy, but never got the chance, as the man shoved the Nitrous mask over her face and sent her to “sleepy” land.
“Thank gawd, now I can watch this David Hasselhoff DVD in peace and quiet.”
Middleton Community College offered a separate building for special activities that their more illustrious students required for extra curricular activities. The Environmental Activists Coalition that Kim headed were scheduled to use it to host a meeting concerning global warming that afternoon, but sadly, the place had been hijacked. Ron and Ted had decided to grace the meeting hall with an unannounced cock-fight.
A group of loud, drunken men stood in a circle yelling at the top of their lungs at the two birds that were pecking the hell out of each other in the center. Furniture had been overturned and several of the potted plants had been requisitioned as urinals. The sound of a loud bell signaled the end of the first round, as a fowl hopped over to Ted and jumped onto a stool in exhaustion. Assuming his normal form, cock-fightin’ Ron gasped for air.
“I’m getting’ my pecker handed to me out there! I think that other bird is on steroids or something!” Stoppable nibbled on a bowl of chicken feed and pulled errant feathers out of his hair.
“Of course he’s on drugs, that’s El Loco Pecko! He’s the meanest thing to come out of Mexico since Carlos Mencia!” Ted applied salve to Ron’s beak wounds and held a bucket up for him to spit into. “Now get out there and choke that chicken, ya bum!”
“Booyah!” Stoppable assumed bird form and dove back into the fray.
Rude-fus made his way around the room, punching out drunks, throwing back beer, and eating any roosters he could find.
An inebriated bum stumbled up to the devil-rat and began babbling incoherently. “H… hey, ern’t yoo Mcauley Culkin?”
Rude-fus responded by grabbing the guy and knocking his teeth down his throat. Other morons noticed the second fight and began placing bets on it too.
By the end, the entire building was a disaster area. Puddles of beer and urine were everywhere, smashed furniture and garbage had been piled in the corners and more than one vagrant had been beaten unconscious and left lying where he dropped. The police had been called several times during the event, but ended up staying and getting drunk.
Ron and Ted slipped out the back entrance and headed for the Possible house, carrying the money Ted won by betting against Stoppable. The red imp had lost against EVERY opponent including a stray dog and a pigeon that came in through one of the windows.
“Man, that Kim is gonna be SO freaked!” Ted giggled in fiendish glee.
“Yeah, we’re the worst thing to happen to communal living since the Real World!” Ron snickered to himself as he tried to stuff any stray bills down his pants.
Kim parked her car somewhere between the street and her front door, as her rage had become so livid that her ability to control the damn vehicle had been reduced dramatically.
Kicking open the door with psychotic force, she stood there staring with blood-shot eyes and a look of imminent murder on her face. The tire iron she held in her hand shook as her grip upon it rated up there with rigor mortis and strangulation.
“You FILTHY little BASTARDS!” Strawberry Shortemper stomped her way into the kitchen and found the imps emptying the fridge. “I was KICKED OUT of my activists club thanks to YOU TWO!”
“CURSED… DUH?!” Ted looked over his shoulder as he tossed back a mixed drink containing Milk of Magnesia and Vodka. He called it a “Phillips Screwdriver”.
“Yeah, KP, we’re just doin’ our jobs!” Ron added hot dogs to rolled up pancakes and pizza, topped with syrup and ketchup.
“Pee and chicken feathers…” Kim lifted the club over her head as she advanced on the two retards. “… a bonfire and a DEAD VAGRANT, what the HELL is wrong with YOU?!”
“The bonfire was Drew’s idea!” Ron shouted with his mouth full.
“You leave me out of this!” Drew stood in the corner reading an issue of Hallucination Magazine, the front page read, “Bonfire of the Insanities.”
“I’LL KILL YOU BO…” Kim was interrupted by a ringing phone; she dropped her weapon and walked into the dining room to answer it. “Hello?”
“Girl, where have you been? The T-girl and I were thinkin’ that Michael Devlin mighta kidnapped you!” Monique questioned from the other end.
“Monique, I’ve got… uh… some ISSUES over here, not to mention that my sorority sisters think I’m smuggling immigrants into the country now.” Kim looked over her shoulder into the kitchen and shuddered.
“Look, Kim, we need a few fresh volunteers over here. That empty lot we’ve been using to bury the losers is filling up really fast. If we don’t get some fresh meat soon, we’ll be forced to shut down the site!”
“Aw, we worked so hard on the layout too!” An evil thought came to her, causing Possible to sneer like a fiend. “Hold on, ‘Nique, I think I might have a few guys you can use.”
“Good, get them over here, B-girl will be home soon and our subscribers are getting cranky!” Monique breathed a sigh of relief and hung up.
The redhead hung up the phone and walked upstairs into her room. A sudden overwhelming stench greeted her nostrils as she gasped at the condition of her dresser and nightstand.
A sound that could best be described as a cross between an elephant giving birth to a pickup truck and Andy Richter passing a stone echoed off the walls of the house, sending shivers down the spines of both of the infernal pests.
“Uh oh…” Ron swallowed hard and stared at Ted with fear.
“It’s not THAT big of a deal… is it?” Ted sniffed slightly and tugged at his ear.
Kim calmly and casually walked downstairs and approached the two men. “You boys mind if I tie you up?” Kim poured on the fake sex appeal.
“Alright, it’s about time!” Ted rubbed his hands together in triumph.
“I don’t wanna do it if it hurts or if it gets me all sticky…” Ron looked at Kim with concern on his mug.
“Oh, it’ll be quite a ride, that much I can promise!” Kim smirked slightly as she tied the end around both of the idiots. “Now wait here, we’ll get started in a minute.”
Kim grabbed her car keys and headed back outside. A moment later, the two felt a tug and were suddenly being dragged at high speed through the house. Smashing furniture and slamming against the walls, the two flew out the door and were being dragged down the street by the back of Kim’s convertible. Finally coming to a stop, the two bloody lumps at the end of the rope came to the conclusion that Kim wasn’t being honest with them.
“That wasn’t very erotic!” Ted shouted as he pulled himself together.
“I ended up getting sticky!” Ron complained as he stuffed his innards back into himself.
Kim removed the rope from her bumper and dragged the two up a walkway to a quaint, little house. Monique, Tara and Bonnie co-rented the place, and made most of their money from a live web-cast from their basement.
Pressing the doorbell, Kim whistled to herself as she waited. A platinum blond opened the door and smiled.
“Hi, Kim, long time no see!” Tara gave Kim a hug and looked her over. “You look awful, are you getting enough niacin?”
“Never mind, I’ve got the “volunteers” for ‘Nique, is she still here?” Kim narrowed her eyes at the rapidly healing imps at the end of the rope.
“Yep, she’s waiting downstairs; I can take it from here.” Tara took the rope and gave Kim a peck on the cheek. “We’ve missed you around here.”
“Yeah, well…” Possible blushed. “Once we get things straightened out at home, you girls will see me more often. Until then, these two will fill in for me!”
“Well, thankees, we’re gonna have lots of fun!” Tara stepped outside and approached the prisoners. “Hello, nice to meet you!”
“Holy shit, I mean… hello!” Ted stared at the busty blond with joy.
“Uh, eheh… hello there.” Ron blushed and twiddled his thumbs.
The beautiful girl led the two inside and closed the door. The house was immaculate, being frilly and clean to a fault. She took them through one room after another until they stood at the entrance to the basement.
“I have to go get ready, but ‘Nique will get you situated. Watch your step!” Tara delivered a swift kick that sent both imps down the stairs and into the darkness.
The two slid face first down a ramp and landed on what appeared to be a couch on the set of a midnight talk show. Sitting at an expensive desk, in a fashionably tailored suit, was a gorgeous black girl holding a stack of index cards.
“Welcome back to the show, I’d like to introduce our two special guests for the evening. We have…” Monique swung a yardstick at the blond devil, stopping just shy of his forehead.
“Uh… Ron.” The boy answered flatly, as he stared at the ruler with confusion.
“Ron and his buddy…” She swung the implement again, halting just to the left of Ted’s nose.
“Hulk Hogan!” Keening announced with pride.
The host flicked her wrist and poked the smartass in the eye as she repeated the question. “Ron and his BUDDY?”
“OW, Ted dammit!”
“Okay, Ron and Ted Dammit, our viewers are gonna vote to determine your fate. Tara, sweetie, bring out the voting board!” Monique leaned back in her chair and sipped from her coffee mug.
The beautiful blond from upstairs appeared wearing a bunny suit and pushing a score board which displayed two separate choices and the number of votes each were receiving. Taking a sexy pose next the board, Tara leaned over and threw Ron a wink.
“Looks like today’s choices are… Sexy Punishment or… a spelling test.” The ebony MC leaned over to Ted and whispered. “The voting is fixed, no one ever votes for the spelling test.”
When the punishment option hit two-thousand votes, an alarm went off and balloons began to fall from the ceiling. The talk show set slid away to reveal a lavish dungeon complete with racks, chains and a soda machine.
Monique tore off her suit to display her leather dominatrix gear and smiled devilishly at her two soon-to-be victims. “Well gentlemen, without further ado, let’s get ready to squeal!”
Ted jumped up and tossed Ron over the couch as he ran and grabbed hold of ‘Nique’s leg. “Beat me, whip me, burn me with a lighter and tell me I’m SCUM!!”
“Hey, that was uncalled for!” Ron crawled on all fours from behind the piece of furniture, only to stop when he felt a sudden weight on his back. Looking up, he saw the bunny girl sitting on him cowgirl style.
“Giddy up!” Tara spurred him with her heels and yanked on his collar.
“Uh, I didn’t agree to this.” Ron frowned and stuck his bottom lip out.
“I SAID giddy up!” The blond whipped out a stun gun and began stabbing Stoppable in the ass, forcing him to gallop around the room in a pain filled panic. “HOORAY!”
A curvy brunette approached Monique wearing a police uniform. “Damn high speed pursuits, did I miss anything?”
Monique smirked at Bonnie and pointed to the green haired pervert that was humping her leg. “This has GOT to be a first.”
Tara steered the Ron-ster towards the center of the room, only to lose her grip and fall off as he crashed head first into the furnace. The sound of muffled screams was heard from the heating ducts and his legs kicked frantically as he tried to escape from the fiery appliance.
“TARA?!” Bonnie glowered at the bunny.
“Ooops…”
“Hey Ron, you smell like the bosses bed sheets!” Ted switched grope victims and wrapped himself around Officer Rockwaller.
The Ron-man escaped from the fire pit and shook the burnt clothes and soot from his skin. “Aw man, I liked this shirt!”
“What the HELL!” Monique blinked in shock as the blond regenerated. “Are you an alien or something?” She turned to look at Ted, who by now was bypassing “Skirt Town” and was heading for “Camel Toe Junction”.
“Last time I rode up on a cop like this, I was tryin ’to smuggle meth across the border!”
“What the HELL do you think you’re doing?!” Bonnie shouted, balling her fists and gritting her teeth.
“Hell is right, cause that’s where we’re from!” Ron crossed his arms and smiled.
“It’s true; we’re up here as part of a curse for the redhead!” Ted took a nightstick to the skull that put him flat on his back.
“Can you explain that for us please?” Tara put her hands behind her back and looked to the boys with a cute pout.
The Ron-man related the tale for his audience and even included the heinous pranks they had done so far.
The only part of the story that Monique found fascinating was the part that included them not being able to die. She plucked a pitch fork off the wall and shoved it through Ted’s chest, turning it twice; she pulled it out and nearly fainted as the man didn’t even fall down.
“OW, you coulda warned me first!” Ted exclaimed as his mangled torso mended itself. “I’ll forgive ya this time since you’re so HOT!”
“This is AWESOME, we can do whatever we want and they won’t run away or die! The show is saved!” Bonnie hugged Monique and turned to Stoppable. “From now on, you’re my BITCH!”
“Um, uh… I really got to get going. I have an uh…” Rom stammered as he tried to back away from the brunette.
Bonnie grabbed him by the neck and dragged him to the electric chair. Tossing him into it, she strapped him down and yanked his pants off. Climbing onto his lap, she held up the remote for the voltage and sneered at him. “I’m gonna start out low and work our way up slowly, since you’re a light weight.”
The sound of moans and screams filled the air as Tara leaned on Monique and smiled sweetly. “Look at her Moni, she’s so happy.”
“Yeah, now what are we going to do with YOU?” Monique shot a wicked stare at Keening and smiled.
“Nothing gross, like eating bugs and stuff. That’s my only request.” Ted smiled awkwardly.
“Well, we should probably brand him!” Monique forced Ted on all fours and sat on his back. “Awfully sturdy for bein’ so thin.”
“This isn’t the first time I’ve been used for furniture.” Ted grinned at the leather lady, who began to pet him affectionately.
Tara placed a branding iron into the furnace and stopped to adjust her lipstick while she waited for it to heat up.
“Soooo, you guys mind if my buddy and I torment your friend Kim?” Ted kept his eyes locked on Monique’s cleavage.
“Nah, she needs to lighten up, she’s been too tense lately.” Tara handed ‘Nique the white-hot tool and covered her eyes.
“Fire in the HOLE!”
Kim cursed under her breath as she plugged in the pressure washer, a necessary tool to remove the sewage from the sides of her furniture. Rude-fus kicked the front door open and walked outside, marching up to Possible, he waved an empty toilet paper tube at her.
“Bleh!” The evil rodent snipped.
“What the hell do YOU want?” Kim looked down at the pink nuisance with disgust.
The devil-rat threw the tube and hit her in the forehead with it. “BLEH!”
“You’ve already gone through SEVEN rolls of paper in TWO DAYS, enough is enough!” Kim had personally unplugged the facilities because of the little “poop machine” too many times, and the thought of doing it again was revolting.
Rude-fus increased his size and began beating the side of Possible’s car in with a rock, giving her dirty looks as he went.
“You little SON-OF-A-…” Kim lunged at the rat, who shrunk down and fled. She gave chase around the house, until Rude-fus tripped her, sending her straight into the tree that Ted had been embedded in only days before. Unable to get free, the redhead kicked her legs and cursed. Rude-fus ran up from behind and began smacking her across the ass with a tennis racket. The spanking continued until the rat’s arms became tired and Kim started asking him NOT to stop.
Ron stood next to what appeared to be a big barbecue grill; he wore a “Love-Love Bear” costume and was handcuffed.
“Uh, are you sure this is what your subscribers want?” Ron’s voice shook with fear.
“Aw, you’re so CUTE, of course it’s what they want, dork, now start dancing!” Bonnie pushed him onto the hot metal and laughed maniacally.
Ron screamed and started jumping and running around, the costumes little bear feet caught on fire and the smell of burnt hair filled the air. Rockwaller started hurling throwing-stars at the boy, and slowly turned the heat up.
Monique and Tara approached the Ron-b-que pushing Ted, who had been wrapped in bandages and placed in a wheelbarrow with various swords and knives sticking in him.
“Ok, B-girl, I think he’s had enough.” Monique gave Bonnie a peck on the cheek. “These boys have taken some pretty heavy pain and didn’t cry or call us names or anything, I’m impressed!”
“I’ll say!” Tara gave Ted a kiss. “We appreciate you coming out to play with us.”
Ted mumbled something through a mouthful of gauze, while Ron slapped his feet wildly trying to put them out.
“Does this mean you’re kicking us out?” Stoppable asked, peeling off his burnt bear suit.
“No, it means that the web-cast is over.” Monique unwrapped the Ted-ster and pulled the sharp objects out of him. “Since you two aren’t a couple of sissies, I guess you win the grand prize.”
“Booyah!” The Ron-man shouted with glee. “Is it a new Plasma T.V. or a trip to an all-you-can-eat restaurant?!”
“It had better not be a trip to Montel Williams’ house, ‘cause I owe him money.” Ted grumbled.
“Nope, it’s a visit to the Lounge!” Bonnie replied with an evil glint in her eye.
“The most SPECIAL place on Earth!” Tara beamed, her beautiful eyes literally sparkled.
“Even more special than Milla Jovovich’s butt cheeks!?” Ted shouted, looking excited.
“The three of us are gonna treat the two of you as though you were rides at an amusement park, and the place don’t close until the equipment brakes down!” Monique lifted the handles on Ted’s wheelbarrow and started wheeling him away. Bonnie grabbed Ron by his “manhood” and started dragging him.
“I still don’t get it…” Ron peeped, looking nervous.
“Oh, you’re gonna GET IT, alright!” Bonnie chuckled.
“I love you guys!” Ted cheered with glee. “Not Ron though…”
The two contestants returned home that night with shredded clothing and both suffering from SEVERE dehydration. Kim sat in the living room, an ice pack resting against her swollen ass.
“What the hell…” Kim gasped in shock. “Why are you still here?! The three Queens of Pain should have run you out of town by now!”
“Those chicks are awesome; we’ve got reservations to go back again next week!” Ted grinned and rubbed the back of his head.
“They even gave us these COOL t-shirts!” Ron held up a shirt that sported the image of a cat-o-nine tails and a leather mask marked with red lipstick. On the bottom, in big letters, it read, “I took it like a man!”
“You two assholes actually WON?!” Possible stated hitting her head off the table. “What do I have to do?! Do I have to become a hermit and move to the Himalayas?!”
“Aw, KP, what happened?” Ron pointed to her sore posterior. “Did you sit on a cactus?” The Stopper approached her and began massaging her ass. “There, doesn’t that feel better?”
“Don’t touch me you scumbag!” The redhead wrapped her hands around his neck and proceeded to throttle him. A sudden knock at the door caught Kim’s attention, causing her to drop a blue-faced Ron onto the floor as she got up to answer it.
“Hello?” The redhead opened the door to come face to face with a raven-haired woman wearing shades and a business suit. “What do you want?”
“I’m looking for a couple of dumbasses.” The woman lowered her sunglasses and peered at Kim.
“Try the Whitehouse!” Possible tried to slam the door shut, but the stranger stuck her foot in and stopped her.
“I mean these two assholes!” The aggressive lady held up a picture of Ron and Ted in their devilish forms, both sporting bruises and black eyes.
“Oh, please tell me you’re an exorcist!” Kim stepped out of the way and pointed to the two men.
The woman walked into the house and shot the two an evil grin. “Well, lookie what we got here! You two have really been slacking off, and I’m here to whip you into shape!” The business suit disappeared and was replaced with exotic armor covered with spines. Shego laughed hysterically as both imps finally recognized who she was.
“IT”S SHEGO!” The two devil guys both panicked and tried to escape, a look of sheer terror frozen on their faces.
“Oh NO you don’t!” Shego grabbed Ron by his neck and tossed him straight up, smashing him head first into the ceiling. Her tail curved around and snagged Ted by his leg, whipping him around in a circle; she flipped him upside down and looked him dead in the eyes. “You two are officially under MY command now, so play time is over!”
“What the HELL is going on here?!” Kim shouted at the sick display, her patience having run out days ago.
The devil Shego pointed at the girl and a blast of green energy flew from her finger tip and struck her in the waist.
Kim flinched for a moment, but looked up at the woman and frowned when nothing obvious occurred. “What was that supposed to be?”
“Give it a second.” The evil woman gave Possible a sly smirk and crossed her arms.
Possible opened her mouth to speak, when suddenly she doubled over and a look of shock appeared on her face. “Oh boy, what was that?! What did you DO?!”
“I animated your panties, and it looks like their trying to find a place to hide.” Shego laughed out loud and watched the redhead shuffle about, trying to pull her undies out of her “lunchbox”.
“Who the… oh gawd… HELL are… oh NO… you anyway?” Kim fought against her unmentionables; the frilly undergarments now had a mind of their own. A dirty mind, apparently.
“I’m Shego, Servitor Rank Seven, and these two clowns new supervisor!” She turned to face her captive. “You two have been screwing around long enough; it’s time to kick this curse into high gear!”
Ron yelped in fear and fell from the new hole in the ceiling, landing on the floor right in front of Shego. He looked up at her with fear, beads of sweat dripped from his brow. “You look, uh… good… uh… Shego, eheh.”
“Yeah, you still got a nice set of knockers, Miss S!” Ted tried to sound cool… he failed.
Shego slammed Keening into Ron over and over until both imps were a bloody mess. Scraping up the goo, she carried them into the basement and crammed them both into the dryer. Setting it on maximum, she jammed the door shut and sat down next to the machine. The screams and yells from the occupants were drowned out by the humming of the appliance, as Shego kicked and punched it to add misery to her employees.
Kim marched downstairs wearing a towel, her underwear having been ripped off and tossed out a window. “I DO NOT want another one of you MONSTERS living in my house!”
“Sorry, Princess, but my orders are strict. You shoulda let Colonel Sanders get his amusement park, then you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Shego strutted up to Kim and frowned at her.
“That stupid MORON, I thought he was a derelict on a bender, not some… devil guy!” Kim wrung her head in desperation. “You gotta go back and tell him to undo this!”
“Sorry sweetie, rules are rules, and the rules say you gotta fix this yourself!” Shego eyed the girl up and down. “You aint lookin’ half bad, you’d make a smokin’ devil chick! When ya finally croak, would you be interested in signing up?”
“NO, I don’t want to be a MONSTER, I don’t want monsters living in my HOUSE, and I especially don’t want to be fucking CURSED!” Kim was now flying off the handle.
“You really need to relax.” Shego grabbed the redhead, leaned her back, and stuck her tongue in her mouth. Kim’s eyes bugged out as the devil Shego French kissed her with force, until Possible passed out. Lifting the girl over her shoulder, Shego walked up the stairs and left the two imps to dry in peace.
“So, with the Chaosengine running at full, how long will it be before I have complete control over professional football?” Anne the villain drummed her fingers impatiently as she waited for her “numbers” guy to pull up the results.
“Depends on how long it takes to get John Madden to shut the hell up.” The follower flinched in fear, expecting to get the “finger”.
The Brain Surgeon sighed out loud and rested her chin on her hand. “Nuts… oh well, I have to be going soon. My daughter has a few fiends over and I’m supposed to be entertaining tonight.”
“You want me to shine up your leather thong or…?” The henchman received a shock and hit the floor with a loud “thump”.
“Don’t be so nosy, Randall, it’s rude!” Anne kissed her “finger” and headed to her personal chambers for a shower and a change of clothes.
Shego sat nude in Kim’s bed puffing on a joint and glancing around the room. “This place is lookin’ kinda bare, somebody bust in and rob you?”
Kim sat butt naked next to her wearing a look of complete stupefaction.
“Oh gawd, don’t tell me your in SHOCK… it was just sex, not surgery!” The she-devil waved her hand in front of Possible’s face. “Hello?!”
Climbing out from between the sheets, the villainess blew an errant hair out of her eyes and reached up to yank her jumpsuit down from the blades of the ceiling fan. Suddenly feeling something clinging to her waist, she looked down to see the redhead hugging her around the hips and nuzzling her skin.
“Oh boy, why does this always happen?” Shego sighed and looked hard at Possible, who mouthed the words, “I wuv yoo”.
Several hours later, Anne Possible returned home to discover her daughter and the dark-haired stranger at the dinner table.
“My, who’s this?” Anne looked at Shego with curiosity.
“Mom, I’m a lesbian and this is my girlfriend!” Kim squeezed the devil in a bear hug and looked around defensively, as if someone in the room might grab Shego and make a run for it.
“Girlfriend, what the hell are you talking about?!” The hell-lady struggled to remove her admirer.
“That’s nice dear.” Anne patted her daughter on the head and looked at her “girlfriend”. “Nice to meet you sweetie!”
“Mom, I’m not kidding, I’m gay!” The younger Possible refused to let her mother leave the room without acknowledging her statement.
“That’s wonderful news, now I don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant and ruining your chance at a good education.” The older redhead sat down and removed her shoes.
“Mother, this is a big deal! Now I demand you get angry and forbid me from seeing her!” Kim started turning red from frustration.
“Maybe later, your mommy is tired right now.” Anne continued to act completely uninterested in her daughter’s drama.
“HEY, I didn’t ask you out, I RAPED you! Are you crazy?!” Shego stood up to escape, but found the twenty-something hero was stuck to her like a tick.
“All the men in this town are total mongoloids; you swept me off my feet, punched a hole in my depression and showed me a new world!” Possible produced the writ that Ted had given her when the Dork-tastic duo first showed up. “It doesn’t matter, because this paper says I OWN you!”
“What the HELL?!” Shego eyed the contract with disgust. “That’s not what… I mean… it doesn’t… gawd dammit!”
Kim leaned over and whispered into Shego’s ear. “Tell me I’m pretty…”
“Oh for the love of…”
Anne walked down the basement stairs to throw some clothes into the washer, when she noticed the dryer was thumping something fierce. Bending the handle back, she popped the door open and jumped, as a pair of bedraggled imps rolled out and landed on the floor.
“Boys, how in the world did you get in there?” The older woman looked down at them with a mix of sympathy and confusion.
Both imps were puffy-looking and had static electricity running up and down their clothes. Looking at each other with fear, they answered carefully, knowing the pain that would follow if they snitched.
“It was gremlins…” Ron muttered.
“Might have been Jesus…” Ted quipped.
“You boys come upstairs and we’ll get you cleaned up.” Anne Possible pulled a saddle out from behind the freezer and smirked at the imps.
“Hey, I didn’t know you owned horses!” Ron looked at her with naïve surprise.
“Oh yeah, a pair of them just moved in.” The woman laughed at Stoppable’s clueless ignorance.
“Doofus, she’s obviously talkin’ about Kim and Shego.” Ted punched Ron in the shoulder.
“Gawd, you boys are dumb. It’s so cute!”
END CHAPTER TWO