‘twas the night before Christmas and Shego was feeling very seriously annoyed.
“You're not actually going to watch Snowman Hank again, are you?”
Dr. Drakken took on an air of what he thought was authority. “Shego, the viewing of Snowman Hank is one of those proud Christmas traditions.”
Shego groaned. “I thought it was cancelled.”
“It took a bit of effort, but I managed to persuade the people in charge,” said Drakken. “Now sit down, take a cup of hot coco-moo and enjoy the show.”
“So not going to happen,” said Shego.
“Well fine then,” said Drakken. “Keep sitting in your dark little corner while the rest of us celebrates the season.”
“The rest of us?” said Shego. “There's just you.”
“Quiet,” Drakken snapped. “It's starting.”
“Whatever,” said Shego, flinging her magazine onto the table. “I'm turning in early. And if I hear you singing along, I'll come down and hit you.”
Drakken just sniffed snootily. “You never grasped the spirit of the season, did you? I feel sorry for you.”
“Not listening,” said Shego, heading up the stairs.
Bloody idiot, she thought as she was brushing her teeth. About as evil as… someone trying to be evil and he gets all mushy about a pile of snow with a Texas accent. Moron.
Shego spat out the last remnants of toothpaste, cleaned up and went into her bedroom. She undressed quickly and let herself fall onto her bed with a content sigh.
Oooooh
Shego frowned. What the crap was that?
OoooOOOOOooooh!
“Drakken, if this is you, I swear…”
It's meeeEEEeeee.
With ghastly moaning and the clanging of innumerable damned chains, a ghost floated into the room.
“DNAmy?” said Shego. “What happened to you?”
The ghost of DNAmy clanged ominously with her chains. I diiiiiiied.
“What? No you didn't.”
The ghost of DNAmy frowned. OK, so technically I'm not DNAmy. But protocol says a wretched ghost of someone you know is supposed to appear before you, alright?
“And you chose DNAmy?” said Shego.
Look at her! moaned the ghost of not DNAmy. She's creepy. And… and cheek-pinchingy and insane and everything.
“Right. So I take it I will soon be visited by ghastly spirits to teach me about Christmas?” said Shego, her voice taking on an impressively mock-ghostly tone.
Yes, said the ghost of not DNAmy testily. And they're not particularly ghastly, really.
“Really?” said Shego. “What about the Spirit of Christmas Future?”
The shimmering chains rattled as the ghost of DNAmy recoiled in surprise. How do you know about that?
“Oh come on, everyone knows about that,” said Shego. “There was a book and everything.”
So that's why we've been having such trouble surprising people for these last centuries.
“Yeah, OK, fine, whatever,” said Shego. “Message recieved. Get lost.”
At the strooooke of midnight…
“I said = get lost,” Shego growled, throwing a plasma bolt right through the ghost of not DNAmy.
Right. OK. I'll be going now then.
Wholly unimpressed, Shego soon fell asleep. And the digital alarm clock sitting on the nightstand didn't tick its way to twelve o’ clock, because digital alarm clocks don't tick. But when it sprang from 23 =59 to 0 =00, it did click loudly in the silence.
Shego jerked awake when the ceiling collapsed. Debris of stone, wood and dust crashed down onto the floor. A large, green dragon descended onto the floor, roaring loudly.
“What the…?”
Two girls jumped off the dragon's back. One wore red armour, had red eyes and red hair tied into a ponytail. The other wore simple, if a bit ragged, green and yellow clothes and her hair was dark blonde. But there was something not quite right about the second girl. Her purple eyes looked strange, but not nearly as strange as the cat ears and the tail. The four orange lines on her face looked almost normal by comparison.
“Hey there,” said the girl with the red hair. “I'm Jill and this is my partner Lethe. We'll be your Spirits of Christmas Past for the evening.”
“Couldn't you make a more subtle entrance?” said Shego. “I mean, really, what did that roof ever do to you?”
“It was in our way,” said Lethe. There was a small, cat-like purr in her voice as well.
Shego glared at her, but the look on Lethe's face suggested quite clearly that she was an expert glarer as well and was not impressed by Shego's effort.
“I take it you won't just leave me alone,” said Shego.
“Nope,” said Jill. “Now mount up.”
Shego looked at the dragon cleaning its wings. Oh well, at least she was going to travel in style. A weird style, maybe, but style all the same.
“That your dragon?” Shego asked, getting out of bed.
“It's a wyvern,” said Jill, stroking the beast's muzzle. “And yes.”
“A dragon,” said Lethe. “No self-respecting dragon would ever let a beorc ride its back.”
“Beorc?” Shego asked.
“That's the polite laguz word for human,” said Jill.
“And the impolite word would be…?”
“Human.”
“Oh,” said Shego. “That's not confusing at all.”
“Enough talking,” said Lethe. “Let's move.”
-
“I must say, this Go-mas has been absolutely splendid this year,” said Hego, raising his styrofoam cup.
“Yeah, my decorations were particularly good, weren't they?” Mego agreed.
The green wyvern landed smoothly on the floor of Go Tower, without any of the team noticing.
“Oh no,” Shego moaned. “Couldn't you have picked a different Christmas?”
“Sure we could,” said Jill, leaping off her wyvern. “But we didn't.”
“Do I have to suffer through this?” said Shego.
“Yes,” said Lethe. “You do.”
The Wego twins left their seats at the central table and ran towards the chair sitting in the corner.
“Come on, Shego, share a toast with us.”
“Leave me alone, you twerps,” said Shego, waving her hand at them.
“Come now, sis,” said Hego, joining them. “It is the season to be jolly. Or, as I like to call it-”
“Don't,” Shego warned. “Look, I bought you guys presents, so leave me be, alright?”
“It's not about the presents,” said Wego together.
“That's right,” said Hego. “This is about being together.”
“Whatever,” said Shego. “I'm not interested, so leave me alone.”
“Oh leave her,” said Mego. “All she ever wants to do is ruin our fun.”
“But…” said Hego.
“Listen, I propose we go out and sing Christmas carols at people.”
Hego brightened up. “Excellent idea, Mego. We must spread the good cheer. Team Go, let's move out.”
Shego waited patiently until her siblings had left the tower before letting out a sigh. “Finally.“
She picked up a magazine, opened it at random and started reading. Then she turned to look at the door for a moment before rolling her eyes and returing to the article.
“OK,” said the Shego standing next to the wyvern. “What was the point of that?”
When she didn't get an immediate response, she turned around to glare at the so-called spirits.
“Hey!”
Jill, sitting in Lethe's lap, broke lip contact just long enough to innocently say, “What?”
“Aren't you supposed to teach me something right about now?” said Shego.
“Well, I suppose…” said Jill.
Lethe rolled her eyes. “Look, just tell her already. And then we can go back home and lounge in front of the fireplace with its roaring fire, making the room much too hot to be wearing that stinking iron armour of yours.”
Jill blushed. “Well, if you put it that way. OK, Shego, this was the last Christmas you spent with your family. Pretty soon after this, you officialy went evil and set out on your own.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Shego.
“Jill, she didn't set out on her own,” said Lethe. “She almost instantly started working for Drakken.”
“Oh yes,” said Jill. “I wonder why.”
Shego opened her eyes and was blind in the dark. But because she couldn't see the stars or the moon or anything, she assumed the ceiling had not actually crumbled into little pieces, so that probably meant that drag- wyvern hadn't actually ever set foot in the room.
Yeah, and tomorrow, pigs would be flying.
Shego closed her eyes for a moment and immediately realised her mistake.
“Wakey, wakey.”
Shego looked up and saw… a pale schoolgirl. Kind of. The kind of schoolgirl who's well in her twenties, had some breast work done and worked for a porn studio. Her mascara was excessive and her bleached blonde hair was tied into two ridiculous pig-tails.
“Spirit of Christmas Present?” Shego asked.
“That's right,” said the girl. “I'm Jeanette.”
And then something happened Shego wouldn't have minded never seeing again. Jeanette features began to change, almost flow. The pigtails disappeared, as did the mascara. The way-too-short plaid skirt and the way-too-long stockings as well as she white cotton shirt transformed into a boring, brown business suit. In less than a second, someone who looked very much the same, but completely different at the same time was standing in the exact same spot.
“And I'm Therese.”
“And we're here to guide you through the now,” said Jeanette after another flowing, near-instant metamorphosis. She smiled lewdly. She probably didn't consciously mean to smile lewdly, it was just that she didn't know how not to be lewd.
Shego frowned. There was something very wrong with that smile, apart from the lewdness. The teeth were too long, too sharp. “What's with the teeth?”
“You don't need to worry,” said Therese. “You will come to no harm.”
“Unless your tastes run that way.”
“Honestly, Jeanette, must you keep saying such things?”
“What? I'm all about the fun.”
“I just can't take you anywhere, can I?”
“Aww, don't be mad at me sis. I promise I'll be a good little kitten.”
“Somehow I doubt it.” Therese focussed her attention back on Shego. Not that there was technically anyone else for her to focus it on. “Well? Come on, let's get going.”
It took Shego a while to respond. The thought currently going through her head went very much like, I am alone in a room with a totally insane vampire. Possibly two totally insane vampires. Do I really want to go someplace with them?
The next thought went, Wait a minute, they're Spirits of Christmas. They're only allowed to harm me mentally.
Shego settled for, “Do I have a choice?”
“Of course you do,” said Jeanette. “You can always say no. And then we'll spank the naughty little girl until she says yes.”
“Jeanette, please let me handle this,” Therese sighed. “No. You don't have a choice. Now let's get going.”
The face of Ron Stoppable had never before been such a welcome sight to Shego. He was babbling incoherently into his cell phone, while around him the Possibles celebrated their Christmas.
“Ooh, look at all the pretty lights,” Jeanette cooed.
“We're not here to look at the decorations,” said Therese.
“That's right,” Jeanette purred. “Let's check out the redhead's new toys first.”
Shego rolled her eyes and walked away from her spirit guide.
“You too? That part always makes me cry as well,” Ron said to whoever he was talking with.
“Hey, check out these things,” said one of the twins, brandishing some kind of semi-robotic toy.
“I bet we can strip it for some fun stuff,” said the other. “Maybe even get enough parts to build our electronic nano-transmuter.”
“Boosha.”
“You know,” said Nana Possible. “In my day, we kept our new toys intact for at least a day or two.”
Shego wandered through the twinkly lights and the excessive greenery to the edge of the room, where she found Kim sitting alone on a couch. Shego plopped down next to her.
“You don't really buy into this whole Christmas thing either, do you?” said Shego, even though she was pretty sure Kim couldn't hear her.
Dr. Possible walked up to her and almost sat down on Shego. Or maybe through Shego. Fortunately, Shego's reflexes were fast enough for her to scoot out of the way before she got to find out what would happen if anyone touched her.
“Kim, honey, why look so gloomy?” Dr. Possible asked.
“Nothing, I guess,” said Kim. “It's just that… I wonder about Shego.”
“Shego?” said Dr. Possible.
“Yeah, I know it's stupid,” said Kim. “But I just can't help it. I… worry.”
“Why?”
Kim shook her head and sighed. “I don't know. Maybe it's just the egg-nog getting to me.”
“Well, she's a villain and a criminal, but I suppose even those should have someone to wish them a merry Christmas. Do you want to give her a call?”
Kim looked out the window. “No,” she said finally. “She probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway.”
Dr. Possible patted Kim's leg. “Alright then. Just promise you'll try and cheer up a little, hmm?”
“Yeah, sure, dad.”
“You really should not have wandered like that,” said Therese, appearing before Shego.
“Why? Did I miss the big important event?”
“That's not the point,” Therese snapped. “There are rules to follow.”
“You've been a very naughty little kitten,” Jeanette said. “And you know what happens to naughty little kittens.”
“Jeanette, there will be no spankings tonight, understand?”
Jeanette stuck her tongue out at herself. “You're even less fun than she is.”
Darkness was again in front of Shego's suddenly opened eyes.
This was getting really, very annoying.
Still, there probably was nothing for it. The alarm clock next to her bed would keep saying it was midnight for all eternity. Or at least, until she'd met the final spirit.
Ah well, better get this over with.
Shego closed her eyes.
“You can open them again,” said a voice.
It wasn't a kind of voice Shego had heard very often. It was female, elegant, graceful and fully in control. But also a bit cold and used to having people do whatever she said.
Shego kept her eyes resolutely shut.
There was a sigh. “Please don't insult us both with such childish games.”
Reluctantly, Shego looked at the newcomer. She was a woman with a noble bearing, pale and thin. Her torso looked bare of flesh, all bones and sinew until Shego realised it was some kind of ornamental armour. She wore a grey cape and a sword hung at her side. Her dark hair was combed perfectly backwards, save for one single strand of hair that fell elegantly into her face.
“My name is Selina. I will be your final guide.”
“What happened to the silent cloaked figure of doom?”
Selina smiled thinly. “Would he have intimidated you into mending your ways?”
“Not a chance,” said Shego.
“Then what would be the point? This way please.”
Shego got out of bed and followed the woman through the door and into the graveyard.
Snowflakes fell slowly, almost ponderously, from the dark air and came to rest on the silent headstones.
“A cemetary?” said Shego. “What, you're gonna show me I die alone?”
“We all die alone,” said Selina. “But it is not your death we wish to mend, now is it?”
“Then what are we doing here?”
Selina extended a pale, but perfectly manicured hand. “We are going to look over there.”
Shego looked into the darkness, where green fire had suddenly started flaring.
The force of Kim's blow knocked Shego backwards into the wall of a snow-covered crypt. This was an older Kim, a Kim who had already spent decades saving the world. There were a few scars on her face, but her whole body looked fit and muscular.
But the Shego now getting up from the snow didn't look any different at all.
“Lucky hit, Princess,” said Shego, raising her flaming hands.
Kim looked at her with tired eyes. “Why do we keep doing this, Shego? What's the point?”
“How about, if you don't fight me I'll kill you?” said Shego.
“No you won't,” said Kim. “Your latest scheme to take over the world has failed again and we both know you're no longer a match for me. Really, Shego, why do you just keep trying?”
“Because I'm evil!” Shego snarled.
Kim shook her head. “Whatever. I'm going home to my wife and kids now. You just go do… whatever it is you do at Christmas.”
Kim turned around and started walking away.
“What the… this isn't over, Princess!” Shego snarled.
Kim just raised a hand and waved dismissively.
“Come back here!”
Kim didn't respond in any way. Just kept on walking until the snow-filled darkness swallowed her.
“You can't do this to me!” Shego screamed. “Don't you dare walk out on me!”
Shego tried to give chase, but stumbled and fell onto her knees.
“Don't leave me alone!”
Teardrops started landing on the fallen snow.
“… please…”
The darkness of the night returned in front of Shego's eyes. She was lying in bed again and the glowing red numbers on the alarm clock told her that she'd either been sleeping for more than twenty hours or had just travelled back in time a little.
Considering everything that had happened, the time travel option seemed more plausible.
She stared up at the intact ceiling.
She wasn't afraid of dying alone. She didn't believe in Hell.
And yet…
Shego put a hand over her eyes and exhaled slowly. Then she got out of bed, went down the stairs and into the lair's living room, where Drakken was having a telephone conversation with someone.
“Well, I don't mind telling you, when Snowman Hank rescues Mr. Skippy the bunny it always brings a tear to my eye.”
“Hey, Dr. D.”
Drakken turned around abruptly, looking as if Shego had just caught him rooting through her underwear drawer.
“Uhm… I thought you'd gone of to bed.”
“Well, I came back,” said Shego. “Hand me the phone.”
“Uhm, this is a very private call,” said Drakken.
“Oh for the love of…” Shego snatched the phone from Drakken's hand. “Hey, Stoppable, put Kim on the line.”
“H- How did you know I was talking to Kim Possible's sidekick?” Drakken asked.
“Oh please, as if there's anyone else in this town you can talk about Snowman Hank with. Now shush,” she said, turning around.
“Hello?”
Shego paused, suddenly not knowing what to say. She never prepared for this. What did you say?
“Is this really you Shego? Or is Ron playing another prank on me?”
“No, it's me,” said Shego, her voice suddenly hoarse.
“OK… uhm… what… what do you… I mean…”
“Yeah, well, look, it's the season and yadayadayada, so…” Shego paused. “Merry Christmas, Princess.”
There was one very, very long moment of silence from the other end of the line.
“Merry Christmas, Shego.”
Shego made sure the sudden smile on her face was gone when she turned around to face Drakken again. “OK, here you go. Have fun talking to Stoppable.”
Shego left an astounded Drakken behind as she sauntered back to the door again. But just before she reached it, she was stopped.
“Haha!” said Drakken. “So you do have the spirit of Christmas in you?”
“No,” said Shego, “not in me.”
“But…”
“See you tomorrow, Dr. D.”
Shego ascended the stairs again, feeling strangely warm and fuzzy. Pleasantly warm and fuzzy, but a bit strange all the same.
Future Kim had said she had a wife and kids. A wife and kids. But of course, now the future had changed, hadn't it?
But in what way?
In the darkness, Shego smiled.