The bedroom was dark, not unusual for the middle of the night. It was also bitter cold. The air conditioning was adjusted to the highest setting and there was even a fan directed at one side of the bed.
For the occupant in the path of the fan, it was barely adequate; for the person sharing the bed, it was the lowest layer of Hell.
“Princess, it’s freezing in here. Can I turn down the A/C?”
“No, I’m burning up. Put on another blanket.”
“I have all the blankets, both quilts and the throw rug from the hall. Can I at least turn off the fan?”
“No, I feel like I’m on fire.”
Several minutes elapsed.
“Great, now I have to pee again.”
There was a grunt and a shadow heaved itself upright into a sitting position. The shadow was large and oddly distorted. It waddled towards the bedroom door and disappeared down the hallway
A second shadow, much smaller and faster than the first, disengaged itself from the bed without a sound. It turned the fan down from High to Medium and the air conditioning from Full to Low. It had returned to bed long before the return of the larger shadow.
The bed creaked and groaned.
Finally I can get some sleep, thought the one who was freezing.
There was a whimper from the other side of the bed, then several sobs.
Oh, great.
“What’s wrong, Pumpkin?”
“I’m huge.”
“Yes, you are.”
“I look like I’m going to explode.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I think that I really am going to explode.”
“No, you’re not going to do that.”
There was silence, and waiting.
“I’m fat.”
“No, you aren’t. You are pregnant. And you gained exactly the amount of weight that the Doctor recommended. He told you so himself, and I had him repeat that to you three times.”
“I’m ugly.”
“No, you are beautiful. You were beautiful when I first saw you, thought I didn’t think much about it then. You are beautiful now, but you never hear me when I tell you that; you’re not even hearing me say it now. Furthermore, you will continue to be just as beautiful in a few weeks when this is all over.”
More waiting while this is considered.
“You don’t love me.”
“Princess…”
“You never loved me and never will love me and this is all some freaked out ploy to get me as fat and vulnerable as possible and then drag me back to that blue whack-job so that you can throw me down into a pit and laugh at me.”
Even in the darkness, the sound of a telephone being removed from its cradle was unmistakable. The faint musical tones of buttons being dialed were heard.
“Doc… yeah it’s me. I hated to wake you at this hour, but the jig is up. She’s onto us. Yeah, yeah, I know. A whole nine months down the drain. G’night.”
The crying started again before the handset was even replaced.
“Oh, come on! That was funny! I doubt that the ‘Time and Temperature’ number cares about prank phone calls. You have to give me some credit for that, right?”
The crying just became deeper and more ragged.
“Oh, for the like of Mike… listen, why do think that I even call you ‘Princess’? If you told me do so, I’d over-throw a small nation and set you up as supreme ruler. If you even looked at something twice, TWICE, I’d steal it for you if I knew you’d accept it.”
The sobbing abated, slightly.
“You know I don’t want that.”
“Yes, I know. How about this: even without that passenger you’re carrying, you mean more to me than anything or anyone else. I don’t want to be alive if you’re not here to share your life with me.”
The sobs had already stopped.
“Now, speaking of time and temperature, it’s late and I’m cold. Can we please turn the A/C down and go to sleep?”
“She won’t love me.”
Nuts, I was so close.
“Yes, she will.”
“She’ll hate me.”
“No, she won’t.”
“I’ll be a horrible, terrible, ‘no-more-wire-hangers’ mother.”
“You will probably be almost as good a mother as your own… but I doubt it.”
More silence. Birds had started chirping several minutes ago. Is it late or early?
“Why are you poking me?”
“Because I’m not totally convinced that you really won’t explode. I’d hate to wake up splattered with yuck.”
This actually elicited a giggle, and then a sigh.
Halleluiah! ‘Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care…’
“Why won’t you touch me?”
“Huh? What do you mean? I was touching you just now.”
“I mean, really touch me. It’s been a long time.”
“…”
“What?”
“I’m afraid to. What if something happens? I could hurt you, or hurt the…”
“We also covered that topic with the Doctor, if you remember. I also reminded you how gentle you were with me when we first started… you know.”
“See, this is why I love you. You’re knocked up fit to burst and you still get embarrassed.”
“So will you touch me?”
“If I do, will you let me sleep? If you don’t, I’ll be a real bitch in the morning.”
“Seen it, been there, bought the T-shirt.”
Was that a joke? Was that an actual joke?
“Princess, it’s late… really late, and I’m tired. The heart is willing but the body is weak.”
Silence, not even crying.
“You’re doing it, aren’t you?”
Nothing.
“You are. Stop it right now.”
Even in the dark, there was a mental image of huge wet eyes and a quivering lower lip.
“Damn… Ok, hold that thought. I’ve got an idea.”
“Please and thank you!”
The smaller shadow left the bed and slipped into the hallway.
Before it returned, the larger shadow had cranked the air conditioning back up to Full and the fan back to High.
Upon returning, the smaller shadow returned to the bed, but not to it’s original side. A cap was removed from a bottle and some of its contents poured.
“Ooh! That’s cold! Since when do we keep the baby oil in the refrigerator?”
“Since never, this is a jar of lemon curd that I bought the other day.”
“What on Earth for?”
“Well, little Miss Perfect, I actually had something planned for the end of the week, but no, you couldn’t wait and had to force my hand.”
“You hate me.”
“Oh, that is IT!”
The bottle was opened again and an even more liberal portion of the contents poured out. It took both hands to smear the lemon curd across the tight, round surface.
“You really are huge. How can you fit through the door?”
“Ghaa!”
“Oh, and another thing; this is all part of an elaborate plot.”
“Oh?”
“Well, that Wicked Witch costume is still at the cleaners and I already had this scenario planned for the weekend, so if you don’t mind…?”
“Sorry. Please continue.”
“As I as saying, this is all just part of an elaborate plot to finally stop Kim Possible once and for all. But, in a moment of weakness, I have decided not to go through with it, it’s to terrible and cruel, blah, blah, blah.”
The gentle prodding of an inverted navel with a thumb created waves of ecstasy.
“Ooh… and exactly what was… mmm… the plan?”
Two strong hands clasped themselves around a firm orb of flesh.
“This is an organic bomb.”
“Awk-weird!”
“Shut up. Anyway, this is an organic bomb and I’ve decided to diffuse it. I think you’re gong to like how I have to do that. Anyway, before doing so, I must slow down the reaction.”
“Hence the lemon curd?”
“Exactly, which must be totally licked away before I can begin to diffuse the bomb. Now be quiet.”
“Oh, I know! How about this…? You’ll never get away with this, but if you save me and let me go, I’ll make certain that the forces of GOOD and JUSTICE go easy on you, you evil beast!”
A kiss, and a caress.
“You love me.”
“Yes, I do.”
There was plenty of time for sleep later. They had all the time in the world.
And now, the beginning.
To be continued…
Author’s Note: This, and certain other scenes, will not always appear where I chose to submit this story. I love writing this, but I understand that it’s not for everyone and should not be posted everywhere. By the way, I cut this material from my KimShego story ‘Parents’ to make it more acceptable to a broader audience. I hope that I made the right decision.