Ron stretched out on his futon and put the call in to Wade, “Hey, how's it going? Is living with Shego any better than living with Kim?”
“What's it like living with Kim these days?”
“Sort of like living with an infected boil. She's really ticked with Bonnie right now. It was bad enough that Bonnie was taking the girls out to see Shego, but when Kim found out that Bonnie and Shego went to see a production of Annie Get Your Gun with Felix and Justine I thought Kim was going to get a gun. They haven't spoken in like, three days now. You may have Bonnie moving in to the lab too if things don't improve.”
“They didn't, like get into a cat fight and roll around the floor ripping each other's clothes off, did they?”
“Please, Wade. That stuff doesn't happen in real life.”
“Hey, a guy can dream.”
“Are you choosing sides out there?”
“Choosing sides?”
“Well, around here Monique is in Kim's corner. Justine and Bonnie think Shego is right. And I'm trying to remain neutral.”
“How's that working out?”
“Not so hot. Kim figures if you aren't with her you're against her.”
“I like the idea of neutral. I guess Drakken is on Shego's side. She doesn't talk about it, but you can tell she's pissed at Kim and he doesn't want to cross her. I might go with Kim 'cause Shego is such a pain in the rear, but if she threatens me with violence I'll pledge allegiance to the green and black.”
“So, anyway. Kim seems like she's ready to explode any minute. Is it pretty much the same with Shego?”
“No, Shego doesn't seem like she's ready to explode any minute. She just does it without warning. The other day Drakken and I were working on a cloning experiment--”
“Bad Wade. Bad. Wasn't that one of his, 'I'm going to take over the world' plans?”
“Ron, the medical uses for cloning are incredible. Drakken can produce the most sophisticated clones in the world, but they're unstable. If we could stabilize his system we're Time magazine's men of the year.”
“How's that going?”
“Lousy. I think the instability is inherent in his method and if we want cloning we need to throw everything out and start over.”
“Okay, sorry I interrupted your story.”
“Anyway, we were working in the lab and she stormed in after classes and basically tore the entire apparatus apart. I mean, it looked a bomb hit when she was done.”
“Ouch. Either of you hurt?”
“No. And the really weird part is after I watch some of the most senseless violence I've seen in my life Drakken turns to me and says, 'I hope you never see her when she's angry.'”
“We're their friends. Should we be trying to get them back together?”
“I dunno, Ron. It sounds risky.”
“Come on, they wouldn't be this angry if they didn't care. If Kim were a guy acting like she is, I'd say she needed to get laid. Heck, Kim isn't a guy and I still think she needs to get laid.”
“I would like to get Shego out of the lab.”
“Well, I think we'd all like her back here. First, it calms Kim down. And second, Kim needs help with the girls. Classes started two weeks ago and Monique doesn't have time with her work schedule, Justine works and agrees with Shego, and Bonnie is way too angry with Kim to be doing her any favors. I think Kim has been taking the girls over and having Tara watch them while she's in class.”
“Tara?”
“Blonde girl. She was a cheerleader with Kim back in high school. Her son, Jason, is like a like a year and a half. Any of that sound familiar?”
“I'm not sure. Could I have met her at the housewarming party?”
“Oh, yeah. That was her and Jason. Anyway, I know Kim doesn't really like that. And I've got a purely selfish motive for wanting Shego back.”
“What's that?”
“Well, I finally talked my bubbe--
“Bubbe?”
“Grandmother. I thought you were Jewish.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you don't look Jewish.”
Wade groaned
“Anyway,” Ron continued, “I finally talked her into letting me have the old Indian out in the garage--”
“Your grandparents had an Indian living in their garage?”
“Not living--”
“Your grandparents kept a dead Indian in their garage?”
“Are you trying to be difficult, Wade? The Indian was the best motorcycle ever made in America. Grandpa had a nineteen forty-eight he rode for years. I'm hoping Shego will help me get it up and running.”
“Okay, let's pretend I'm going to help you. How do you propose we get Kim and Shego back together?”
“I'm kind of counting on them falling into each other's arms if we can just get them together in the same room.”
“That's kind of thin.”
“It'll work, I just haven't figured out how to get them in the same room… Any chance you could talk Drakken into planning to take over the world?”
“I don't think his therapists would like that idea.”
“He doesn't really need to try and take over the world. We just need to sell it to Kim. I'm just not sure if it will be an easy sell because she really wants to see Shego or a hard sell because she'll suspect something.”
-Chicago Interlude-
Shego's dad spoke to a Wego, “Look, Ed, I would take it as a personal favor if you asked her to the homecoming dance. In fact, you don't even have to ask her -- her dad will say it's a blind date the two of us set up.”
“Dad, I was really hoping to ask Bonnie to the dance.”
“Bonnie?”
“Lives with Kim in Middleton, light brown hair, do you remember?”
“Oh, okay, Bonnie. She seems like a nice girl. You can ask her out for something else.”
“But I want to ask Bonnie.”
“Please, a favor to me?”
“Why do you want me going out with this girl I've never met?”
“Well, I was talking to her dad. He's concerned about the guys she's seeing. He's worried about her. I thought maybe you could see her, you'd report she's really a nice young lady. Her dad will feel better.”
“Why me? If her dad thinks she's wild or something why don't you have Will take her to the dance.”
His father hesitated, “I hate to speak ill of my own son, but… Let's face it, Will is kind of a…”
Ed filled in the silence, “Looking for a male version of the word 'tramp?'”
“Please, he's your brother, my son. But yeah, Will is not the man I'd like to have reassuring a father.”
“What's her name?”
“Her name is Constance--”
“Constance? How old is she, fifty?”
“Her parent's liked old names. They call her Connie. She's a year younger than you -- a junior at DePaul.”
“Okay,” Ed sighed.
“Thanks. Oh, the cover story is that you are terribly shy. So I've asked her father to ask her to go out with you as a favor to him and me.”
“Dad, I can't remember any of your friends with a daughter about my age named Connie. Who is her father?”
There was a minute of hesitation.
“Dad, she's not the daughter of the Alchemist, is she?”
“Hey, he helped us look for Henry.”
“I can't believe you! You're asking me to not ask a woman I like to a dance so I can go with the daughter of a super villain!”
“Just one date. Please, just give me something to reassure her father with.”
“Okay, I said I would. But I am so not going to eat or drink anything at her place.”
The day after Ron's call to Wade Shego went into the auxiliary lab after class. “Wade said you wanted to see me?”
“Thanks for coming in,” Drakken was nervous, wondering about how his acting would be picked up by the camera. Should he give a welcoming smile or an evil smile? And which was his evil side? He hoped he could remember his lines, although Wade had assured him that he would redub his audio track.
“What's wrong?” Shego asked, “You seem awfully nervous.”
“Uh, just contemplating my sheer genius. I've got a plan to help the world. They will be rewarding me with the Nobel Peace Prize in Helsinki next year if this works!”
“I think they give the Nobel Prizes out in Oslo.”
“Well, one of those cold cities. I'm willing to accept it in Nome.”
Shego needed to study, so she tried to get back to the unknown subject. “Just what have you got?”
“Well, during the deep meditative state the mind produces theta waves. The meditator is in a calm mood. I'm producing a theta wave generator. I can blanket the greater Middleton area. Everyone calms down. It's like everyone is on Valium with no side effects. An end to road rage, bullying, spouse abuse, green sidekicks destroying lab apparatus, and all other crimes of passion. Everyone is smiling and happy.” Drakken would have to think about this. Maybe a theta wave generator really was a good idea.
“It's fucking mind control, Doc.”
“No, no. Everyone can still think and make decisions. But people are just a little calmer, less prone to violence. Isn't that a good idea?”
“It's a great idea, Doc. But that's only if it works. And it's still fucking mind control and I'll move a hundred miles away before you start it up. And don't you need to worry about public approval or something?”
“That just brings the anti-fluoridation people out of the woodwork. I plan to just fire this puppy up and in six months, after crime has plummeted in Middleton, I announce that I'm behind it. I get recognized for my genius.”
“You get sent back to Innsmouth to the room with rubber walls. Hey, keep working on it. Maybe you can start in California. I'll bet some city out there will give you a chance to test it. Look, Doc, I got to go.”
Drakken tried desperately to keep her talking, to give Wade some more conversation for the tape he was preparing. “What would you like for supper tonight? Lasagna?”
“We had that last night.”
“I should really keep working on the theta waves?”
“I don't know. Maybe theta waves are a good idea. But if you just start the experiment without informed consent people are going to think you want to take over the world.” She exited and Drakken made a slashing movement with his hand across his throat, telling the security guards to 'cut' the filming. A minute later Wade came in, with Chuck out of his security guard uniform and back into the old red henchman outfit.
“How did it go?” the blue man asked.
“Well, I was hoping for more,” Wade admitted. But she kept her back to the camera the whole time, so I can rearrange what she said and no one can tell. We'll film the lab again, this time with Chuck standing in the background. I'll superimpose Shego on the second film. Here's a script for you.”