“Ron, did I hear that you and the Wegos are taking Shego out tonight for a bachelor party?”
“Yeah, we thought it might be fun.”
“You're my best friend in the world, but here's a little word of advice. If you get her too drunk for the ceremony tomorrow I'll kill you.”
“That's a little harsh, KP. How about you just never speak to me for the rest of my life?”
“The rest of your life will be until two in the afternoon tomorrow if she is too hung over for the wedding.”
“Work with me, KP. There has to be some sort of compromise possible if an accident happens.”
“Compromise? You want a compromise? How about we compromise and I leave you in a condition where you'll never get to enjoy your own honeymoon or have kids?”
“I'll do my best, Kim. But remember, the Wegos outnumber me and Shego is a grown woman who can make her own decisions.”
Ron drove over the Possibles' home to get Shego, then swung by the motel where the O'Ceallaigh family was staying for the Wegos. “You're sure you don't want to come with us?” Ron asked Hego.
Will crossed his fingers, hoping that his brother wouldn't change his mind and prove a wet blanket on the evening's festivities. “No thanks,” the big man responded. “Early to bed, early to rise.”
“Where are we going,” Shego asked as they got back into the car.
“I was looking in the Yellow Pages, I found a place called The Satin Doll, it--”
Ron groaned, “It's probably the biggest dive in town. I mean, I've never actually been there, but that's the reputation it has. You really want to take your sister to a place like that?”
“Hell yes,” Will said, “their ad promised the biggest boobs in town--”
“And that's where you want to take Sharon?” Ed asked.
“That's where I want to go. She's just my excuse.”
“We could outvote him,” Ed suggested to Ron.
“That's okay,” Ron said. “I really don't have another suggestion. I don't go to places like that.”
Shego laughed, “It would be funny if we walked in and everyone shouted, 'Hey, Ron!'”
“You found this place real easy,” Will mentioned to Ron as he parked the car fifteen minutes later.
“I didn't say I didn't know where it is. Every guy in town knows where it is. I just said I've never been inside. It's one of those places you dream about visiting when you hit puberty. You start riding your bike by it in jr. high, hoping you're going to see something, but you never do. In high school you lie to your friends and say you've been inside. By the time you're old enough to go there you're too smart to.”
Ed laughed, “I don't think Will is ever going to be that smart.”
The combination of bouncer and doorman looked at Shego with some suspicion when the four got up to the door. “No soliciting on the premises,” he warned her.
He suddenly found himself surrounded by a hostile crowd. “Our sister is getting married tomorrow,” one young man told him.
“We're taking her out to embarrass her,” said another.
“But that's our job,” said a third.
“One more comment like that,” warned a fourth.
“And your insurance is not even going to begin to cover the damages,” threatened a fifth.
The crowd disappeared as he waved them inside and he wondered if his imagination was working overtime. Once inside Will wanted a table by the 'action' but the other three overruled him and found a table towards the edge of the room
“C'mon, Sis, you got to at least sit where you can see the stage,” Will insisted.
“Really, that's all right,” she demurred.
“But we know you like girls,” he teased.
She smiled slightly, “Yeah, but women are smarter than guys. You get turned on by just looking. Women want something more than just looks. Speaking of which, I hope you're not counting on yours.”
“Ouch! That hurt,” Ed complained.
“Oh, I know you're not relying just on your looks, such as they are,” Shego assured him. “And it turns out Stoppable here is a perfect man.”
Ron blushed; fortunately the subject changed quickly as Will called a waitress over and ordered the first round.
Before the first round was gone Shego told the three men she needed to go to the bathroom as an excuse to stop at the bar. Based on the suggestions called out to her as she walked across the room she wondered how the waitresses handled it. She caught the bartender's attention and pointed to her table, “I'm driving. I'll be ordering Hawaiian slings, that's half Seven-Up and half pineapple juice with an orange twist and a cherry.” She handed him a five, “You got that?”
“You'll get the DDS,” he assured her.
“DDS?”
“Designated driver special.”
“You got a relative named Monique at the U?”
Shego feared that her plan had hit the fan on round three when Ed, noticing her second round drink, ordered a round of Hawaiian slings for the table. When the waitress returned she gave Shego the glass with two cherries and a wink. Shego expected her brothers to comment on the subterfuge, but they said nothing.
Half way through another round even the normally reserved Ed joined with Will in staring hard at the strippers and joining in lewd comments.
One of the headliners was performing, although she could have had a brown paper bag over her head and no one in the audience would have noticed.
“Do you think they're real?” Ed asked.
“Just as real as the tooth fairy and Santa Claus,” Shego assured him, wondering how the woman managed to stand up with her center of gravity so out of place.
Will didn't care if they were real or not. He simply let his jaw muscles relax and was staring with his mouth hanging open. He vaguely wondered if he could borrow enough from Ed and Ron to get a lap dance.
Shego left the table for a minute to speak with the bartender, “What in the hell is going on?”
“Oh, their slings have a double shot of vodka. Just figured you wanted to keep our little secret.”
She smiled and handed him another five, “Now I know you're related to Monique.”
Back at the table she noticed that Ron showed no obvious signs of being loaded, he just seemed abnormally quiet.
“I've never seen you drunk before,” she finally asked, “are you?”
“Probably,” his speech was slower than normal, but not slurred. “Second time in my life, and it feels a lot like the first. Not everyone gets drunk the same. I'm not one of those happy drunks like your brothers. I won't stagger, but my reflexes are probably shot. And I just get quiet and depressed. How in the hell do you get drunk? You seem perfectly normal.”
“I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. Like you say, some people handle it differently from others. You want to talk about why you're depressed? Is it the wedding?”
“No. I really want her to be happy. You make her happy. Hell if I know why. She likes girls. That explains a lot. I don't want to see her hurt. You do something to her like what happened to Zita and I'll hunt you down and hurt you.”
“You really are a good man, Ron. If I ever pull a stunt like that on Kim I'll help hold me down so you can hit me, okay?
Ron almost smiled, “Fair enough.”
“By the way, what is it you want to do with your life? You could quit school tomorrow and get a job at just about any restaurant in town.”
“Too much stress. Do you know the hours you have to work as a chef? Most of them end up divorced -- they never get to see their families.”
“So, go into Global Justice with Kim?”
“I don't think so. That's her thing. Domestication is sounding good to me. It's done wonders for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I don't see that old sarcastic edge so often. You seem happy.”
“Yeah. I am happy. So you think Kim domesticated me?”
“Yep.”
Shego smiled, “You could be right. Hey, I've also suggested you become a masseuse. And you'd made a great assassin. No one can remember you name. If you're interested I have contacts.”
“Pass. I didn't know you had contacts. I thought you just had reading glasses.”
She put her hand down on top of his, and gave it a little squeeze. “God, Stoppable, if you were a few years older, or I was a few years younger, and I didn't know Kim, I think I'd fall in love you myself.”
“Now I know you're drunk.”
“No, just honest. You can make me laugh. I like that.”
“Timing, the timing is everything.”
“In telling a joke?”
“In life. Does Kim make you laugh?”
“Yeah…” Shego wasn't sure where this was going.
“Well, you can tell her you make her laugh before you make love, after you make love is a bad idea.”
Shego smiled, “You're going to make some woman very happy… Can I ask what happened with you and Yori? Kim felt like you two were perfect for each other.”
Ron stared off into space for a minute. When depressed Ron got honest. He told Shego more of his time with Yori than he'd ever told Kim. And somehow, as he talked about Yori, Bonnie kept creeping in to the story.
While they were talking Will managed to borrow enough money from Ed for a lap dance and wandered off to arrange it. What Will hadn't warned Ed was that he didn't want the dancer for himself. He considered having Shego as the lucky recipient, then decided it would be even funnier if Ed had the honors.
As the young woman came toward their table Will leaned over and warned Ed, “You aren' allow to touch.”
“Whatta mean?”
“I mean, trea' the lady wi' some respect.”
“Wha' lady?”
Will pointed to Ed, and the 'performer' began her 'act'. Apparently she took exception to the fact Ron and Shego essentially ignored her, continuing their conversation as if nothing was happening. She determined to put on a show that would focus everyone's attention on her. Ed sat, frozen in a combination of the fear of what was happening and that it might stop. Will watched in amazement. He'd never gotten that kind of performance before, and was regretting putting his own money in for Ed's entertainment.
“Oh, hell!” the woman said, standing up and stalking off.
“What's wrong?” Ron asked.
Will doubled over with laughter. “Ed passed out. The most excitin' momen' of his life and he passed out. I thin' he lost his innocence with his clothes still on.”
Shego sighed. With any luck neither Will nor Ed would remember this tomorrow. She just hoped they'd be able to stand up with her, at the moment neither seemed capable standing at all.
The officer was parked about half a block from the club. It was always a good place to catch a DUI after it closed. A group of four emerged, staggering, from the club about one. The two who seemed in better condition helped the two having more trouble navigating into the back seat, and then they got in to the front. He waited until they pulled out onto the street, then turned on his own engine and followed. There were no obvious problems with the driving, but he put on the flashers and the car pulled over to the curb. When he walked back the driver, a woman, had the window rolled down.
“Is there a problem officer?”
“I hope not. I just noticed the group of you had a little trouble walking out back there and wanted to see what sort of shape you were in.”
The officer shone a flashlight into the car. The Wegos were unconscious in the back seat, snoring loudly. Ron closed his eyes against the glare. “I'm dead. They arrest Shego for drunk driving and Kim will kill me.”
Shego smiled sweetly, “No problem officer. I planned on being designated driver so I didn't have much. I just had some trouble walking with my brother leaning on me.”
“So you wouldn't mind blowing into the little tube?”
“Dead, dead, dead,” Ron thought to himself.
The officer went back to the squad care for the breathalyzer. He studied the results after Shego had blown into the machine. “Point zero, zero, seven. You're sober.”
“Thanks, I think you're doing a wonderful job.”
“Drive safely,” he yelled and waved as Shego pulled back into traffic and headed to the motel where her brothers were registered.
“What in the world just happened?” Ron demanded when they were back on the road.
“I was nice to a cop. I figure I haven't been on probation very long so I need the practice.”
“No, I mean how did you pass the breath test? I had two of those things you were drinking. If I tried to fall down now I think I'd miss the floor. How did you do that?”
Shego laughed, “A good magician never reveals her secrets.”
By the time she reached the motel Ron was asleep and snoring. The twins were in a room with Hego, and she pounded on the door until he got up and helped her carry them in.
The big man looked nervous as Shego prepared to leave. “Sis? I… I guess there's no good way to say this. I'd rather not help hold the canopy thing for you tomorrow.”
“What?”
“Look, I'm sorry. I just don't feel right about it.”
“You self-righteous piece of… “ Shego fought to suppress her anger, “I'm sorry. I really counted on you. You can't do it for me?”
“I can't. I'll go to the ceremony. I'll dance with you afterward, if you'll let me. But I can't have any part in the ceremony. I just don't think it's right.”
“But you told me--”
“I thought I could. I was going to try. But I just can't.”
She gave him something of a bitter half smile, “Well, at least you're here.”
“I'm sorry.”
“So am I.”
Shego went back to the car, thinking hard. Kim had asked Tim and Jim to serve as two of the canopy bearers. She had asked Mego and Hego to serve, but Mego had passed on attending. She couldn't completely blame him; she hadn't gone to his wedding. Drakken had been delighted to accept the honor. She wondered who she could ask at the last minute to replace Hego. Wade might make a good choice, either Betty Director, Judge Armstrong or Mustapha Kemal would be a hoot if they made it, Joss would be good -- and the smaller role in the ceremony would make it less likely her mom and dad would be upset. Despite her frustration with Henry she could actually smile, it was good to have friends you could call on.
As she drove to the Possibles' home she looked back on the night. This was Will's idea of fun? Watching videos with Kim and twins on New Year's Eve was more fun than this. Ron was right; Kim had domesticated her. She thought for a minute how domesticated animals had a better life than their wild cousins. Until they were sent to the slaughterhouse, of course. Not a comforting thought on the night before your wedding.