If ever there were a list of Species Most Likely To Be On Top Of The Food Chain the naked mole rat did not stand much of a chance of getting a spot anywhere. Quite possibly the sixth most pathetic creature on the planet, these blind littles creatures only survive because they are subeterranean and because they're so ugly only the most starved of predators would consider eating one.
And the naked mole rat survives because they know how to manipulate time.
They're not very good at it since naked mole rats never developed enough brainpower to figure out what they're doing and how they're doing it, but a naked mole rat is always exactly in the right place at the right time and never in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some particularly gifted naked mole rats have even travelled backward and forward in time, although nobody ever noticed this, not even the mole rats in question.
Still… should a naked mole rat ever develop enough intelligence to figure out what he's doing all the time (and what he's doing to time), then the sky would be the limit.
One naked mole rat did become smart enough. His name was Rufus and now his descendants run the Naked Mole Rat Time Police or NMRTP. They are outside of time, protecting the future, the present and the past which is all the same to them in any case. They also make sure that nobody tampers with time too much, but since only other naked mole rats (and one African magician a long, long time ago) know how to do that they don't have to do much on that count.
Head of the NMRTP was Rufus 3000 who was not only brave and heroic but with a grand total of 1 assignment also the NMRTP's most experienced field agent.
As Rufus 3000 walked through the NMRTP HQ's monitor room one day (and to ask which day or even which year it was would be really silly) he stopped short at the monitor of Rufus 1508.
“What's this?” Rufus 3000 asked, shocked.
“Hmm?” said Rufus 1508 absently. “Oh, just a glimpse from the timeline, don't worry.”
“Don't worry?” said Rufus 3000. “It's the Supreme One kissing Kim Possible!”
“Yeah, pretty much,” said Rufus 1508. “Only she's still called Shego now. Then. Whatever.”
“This is very serious,” said Rufus 3000. “If the Supreme One manages to lure Kim Possible to the side of evil, the world is doomed!”
“That's jumping to conclusions a bit, isn't it?” said Rufus 1508. “Maybe Shego's going good. Maybe they've got this kind of Batman and Catwoman thing going on.”
“Good God man…”
“Woman.”
“Good God woman, the Supreme One is the True Face of Evil. There is no way she can somehow become good. The only way a horrendous scene such as this can come to pass is if Kim Possible were to be corrupted beyond recognition.”
Rufus 1508 gave her a superior a long, long look. “Right.”
“Quickly,” said Rufus 3000. “Calculate the crucial times necessary for this occurrence.”
“It's just a snapshot of time, sir, with all due respect,” said Rufus 1508. “I think we should study a bit longer.”
“There's no time, woman!” Rufus 3000 yelled.
“What are you talking about? We're naked mole rats. We have all the time in the universe. Maybe even more.”
“Do it. That's an order. The world must be protected,” said Rufus 3000.
“Fine, fine,” said Rufus 1508. “Calculating.”
“You said there wouldn't be any monkey business,” said Dr. Drakken, trudging behind Monkey Fist and Duff Killigan through the humid remains of an ancient temple.
“And there won't be,” said Monkey Fist. “Trust me.”
“Trust ye?” said Killigan. “Ye're a villain. We cannae jes’ trust ye.”
“Perhaps, but I'm a villain of my word,” said Monkey Fist. “Anyway, this isn't an ancient magical monkey temple. It's…” He paused and his face took on an expression of distaste. “Hyena.”
“Hyenas?” said Drakken. “Would possible power could you get from that ugly bunch of carrion eaters?”
“Not all hyenas are scavengers, you know,” said Shego, trailing behind the rest of the group. “They just get a bad rep because they're not as pretty as lions and tigers and stuff.”
Monkey Fist, Killigan and Drakken all stopped to look at her in surprise.
“What?” said Shego. “I happen to appreciate any kind of predator that considers men a lot less important than the kids.”
Drakken waved his hands vaguely. “Fine, fine, whatever, let's just keep moving.”
“Shouldn't be too long now,” said Monkey Fist, walking along. “In fact… ah.”
The group walked into a chamber, covered in vines but also still with a roof. It wasn't a particularly large chamber, presumably because hyena temples weren't considered to be all that important to temple builders. And there, on top of an altar sitting between two statues of beastgods was a patch of empty air.
“Uhm…” said Monkey Fist.
“Uhm?” said Killigan. “I dunnae like the sound o’ that.”
“It should be here,” said Monkey Fist.
“But it isn't,” said Drakken.
“Well… no.”
Drakken threw his hands into the air. “Yet another waste of my time,” he exclaimed dramatically. “Come on Shego, we'll discover a way to rid the world of Kim Possibe on our own.”
“Whatever you say Dr. D,” said Shego. “Bye guys.”
Rufus 3000 stepped out of the time portal and into his office at NMRTP HQ again.
“Another job well done,” he said to himself. “And much easier than the last one.”
“Sir!” said Rufus 2610, hurrying up to him. “The timestream has been drastically corrupted. The Supreme One has taken over the world.”
“What?” said Rufus 3000. He grabbed the remote off his finely polished oak desk and pushed a button. Part of the wall slide aside, revealing a large viewscreen. It switched on, showing a gleaming white street in a gleaming city. Pleasant songs played on every corner until you started listening to the lyrics.
If you're happy, everybody's happy,
So smile, smile, smile, smile, smile,
Or else…
“What's this?” said Rufus 3000. “This looks nothing like the Supreme One's world.”
Rufus 2610 flipped through the pages he was holding. “Rufus 1508 wrote a report for me,” he said. “The crucial moment for this was… uhm, if I can have the remote?”
Rufus 3000 handed it over wordlessly before sinking into his chair.
“Right…” said Rufus 2610. “After you prevented Monkey Fist from finding that hyena relic, Drakken started working on a plan of his own to take over the world. It almost succeeded, but… well after his plans had been foiled Kim Possible and Shego had this fight…”
The viewscreen suddenly showed a rainswept rooftop. And an electrocution. And a fall.
And Kim Possible's face.
Rufus 3000 flinched. “What… what happened? How? This is not the young girl I met on my previous field assignment.”
“Actually it is, sir,” said Rufus 2610. “In any case, we estimate that Shego might've survived being electrocuted and might've survived falling down such a height, but not both at the same time. She was reported… let's see… ‘killed in action’.”
“It must have weighed heavily on Kim Possible's mind,” said Rufus 3000.
“Could be, sir,” said Rufus 2610. “However, three days after this event, Seņor Senior Senior and Seņor Senior Junior attempted to take over the world using a laser cannon. They too were killed in action by Kim. A few weeks later, DNAmy was killed in action. As was Professor Dementor. Then Frugal Lucre, Adrena Lynn, Dr. Drakken, Mr. Hodges, Monkey Fist, Gemi-”
“Mr. Hodges?”
“He littered, sir.”
“Oh.”
“It was around that time, by the way, that Kim's sidekick became very vocal indeed about his doubts.”
Rufus 3000 put a paw over his eyes. He knew the answer already, but he had to ask the question anyway. “What happened to him?”
“He was killed in action shortly thereafer, sir.”
Rufus 3000 waved a paw. “Enough. Is there any way to stop this from happening?”
“According to Rufus 1508, the only way is to go back in time and stop yourself.”
“She must've been gloating when she told you that,” said Rufus 3000.
“No, sir,” said Rufus 2610. “She doesn't really believe the worldwide destruction of free will is something to gloat about.”
“No, I expect she doesn't,” said Rufus 3000. “Very well then. I know what I must do.”
Rufus 3000 stepped out onto the stone temple floor. He looked up at himself, aiming a gun at the altar.
“Stop!”
Rufus 3000 looked up. “What…?” He lowered the gun. “What went wrong?” he asked.
“Destroying the artifact will make Kim Possible the sole ruler of the world.”
“And she won't be a benevolent dictator, I take it?” said Rufus 3000.
Rufus 3000 shook his head. “No. Far from it.”
“Alternatives?”
“We're working on them as we speak.”
“Good,” said Rufus 3000. “Let's go then.”
Rufus 3000 opened a single portal for the both of them to go through.
“In fact… ah.”
Monkey Fist, Duff Killigan, Dr. Drakken and Shego stepped into the temple chamber.
“There you are gentlemen. And lady, of course. The Idol of Qora, said to bestow great strength on its owner.”
“Hyena strength, I take it,” said Dr. Drakken.
“Yes, yes, hyena strength. But trust me when I say it will grant us enough power to send Miss Possible to an early grave.”
Rufus 3000 grabbed his head to stop the room spinning. Having two of you from slightly different times merge into a single being again is never a nice experience.
“Ah, there you are, sir,” said Rufus 1508. “You'll be glad to know Kim won't be becoming the Supreme One.”
“Nevertheless, she will still be with the Supreme One, won't she?” said Rufus 3000.
“All signs point to yes on that one, sir, yes,” said Rufus 1508. “But we're getting some very weird readings.”
“Look into them,” said Rufus 3000. “But for now, give the next crucial moment.”
“Sir, really, we haven't even really studied to current time line properly. I really believe…”
“Rufus 1508…” said Rufus 3000.
Rufus 1508 sighed. “Sir.”
Shego sat on a small bench in a park under a star-filled sky. One leg was perfectly at ease, while the other twitched up and down nervously. She gazed down at the Idol of Qora sitting on the wood next to her, then quickly back at the grass.
Someone tapped on her shoulder.
Shego looked up and saw a naked mole rat in blue armour mere moments before she saw the blackness caused by knock-out gass.
Ten minutes later, Kim Possible arrived at the empty bench. She sat down and waited for a further twenty minutes. Then she rolled her eyes and left into the night again.
“And?”
“You're not going to be happy with this, sir.”
“Just give it to me,” said Rufus 3000.
“Roughly three weeks after the event you made sure didn't happen, Kim Possible was mauled to death,” said Rufus 1508. “I'd show you some pictures, but half the monitoring staff had to vomit when they saw them so you'll just have to take my word for it. She was but the first in a long string of brutal killings that never ended. Nobody really managed to figure out who or what was behind it, but they're calling it the ‘Night Terror’. Nevertheless, everybody's afraid to go out during the day as well. People are afraid period. And still the Night Terror always manages to catch and slaughter someone rather horridly night after night.”
“I see,” said Rufus 3000. “I'll go back and stop myself again. I want you to calculate the next crucial moment.”
Rufus 1508 sighed. “Yes, sir.”
“Ah,” said Rufus 3000 as he turned around and saw himself. “Failure again, I take it?”
“Unfortunately so,” said Rufus 3000.
“Do I want to know what's going to happen this time?”
“No. But you will when we both get back.”
“True enough,” said Rufus 3000.
The shimmering blue portal appeared to take both Rufuses away and as they left a strange laugh-like whooping noise filled the air for just a moment.
“Very well,” said Rufus 3000 sitting down in his chair. “Talk to me.”
“We've managed to complete our calculations and projections of the unaltered timeline,” said Rufus 1508.
“Good,” said Rufus 3000. “Then we can battle the otherwise inevitable evil more effectively.”
“We don't need to, sir,” said Rufus 1508. “Everybody lives happily ever after.”
“What?”
“Unfortunately, I was right the first time,” said Rufus 1508. “As a result of the kiss and its surrounding events, Shego turns good.”
“That's not possible. The Supreme One…”
“She's not her any more, sir,” said Rufus 1508. “The Idol of Qora made sure of that. Allow me to show you, sir.”
Shego sat on a small bench in a park under a star-filled sky. One leg was perfectly at ease, while the other twitched up and down nervously. She gazed down at the Idol of Qora sitting on the wood next to her, then quickly back at the grass. Her breathing was erratic and shallow. She whooped with sheer nerves, then quickly clamped her hands in front of her mouth. She glanced at her watch, noticed how very late Kim was, but kept waiting all the same. It was the only thing she could do. Actually, there were lots of other things she could do, but she didn't feel like thinking about them.
“So you're actually here.”
Shego got up. “Kim. Uhm, sit down, please.”
Kim sat down on the bench. “So what's this all about?”
Shego held up the Idol of Qora. “See this?”
“It's a small, stone statue.”
“It's the Idol of Qora. Dr. D, Monkey Fist and Killigan wanted it because they thought it'd give them enough strength to beat you.”
“I see,” said Kim.
“And it kind of worked,” said Shego. “I'm pretty sure I'm plenty strong enough to beat you now if I wanted to. You see, this thing changed me into a qora.”
“And that would be…?”
“A werehyena.”
Kim's first instict was to say something like ‘that's ridiculous', but she'd been saving the world too long to say that kind of thing.
“I see.”
“Oh, it was fun at first and it frightened the crap out of Dr. D, but… as time went on it got less funny. Sometimes I'd wake up not knowing what I've been doing, other than that I was a hyena while doing it. The curse is taking me over.”
“That's what you get for meddling in the mystic,” said Kim.
“Yes, thank you for that,” said Shego. “Look, thing is, I don't wanna transform into a mindless killer, which I will if I'm left alone. I need a pack. Actually, I need a packleader. And I'd like it if you were her.”
“Me?” said Kim. “Why don't you ask Drakken. I'm sure he'd be delighted.”
“Don't be ridiculous Princess,” said Shego. “He's a man. Men aren't packleaders, women are. Besides, I don't really respect him in any case.”
Kim looked at her for a while. “There'd be rules.”
“Doy,” said Shego. “I'm rather counting on that.”
“Alright then,” said Kim. “We'll see how it goes. But if you step out of line even once…”
“I won't,” said Shego. “I promise.”
“And that's where it started,” said Rufus 1508. “Do you know what happened next?”
“Oh, why not,” said Rufus 3000.
“Arguments, innuendos, bonding, walks in the moonlight, dating, marriage and finally kids.”
“Kids?” Rufus 3000 asked. “Adopted I suppose.”
“Not exactly,” said Rufus 1508. “The hyena's reproductive system is a bit peculiar and when mixed with a human, the end result is…”
“Peculiar?”
“Right. Let's just say the only donor that had any part in Kim's pregnancy was Shego and leave it at that, shall we?”
“We shall,” said Rufus 3000. “Well then, I guess I owe you an apology.”
“No need, sir,” said Rufus 1508. “You just forgot what we're here for.”
“Come now. I always had the best interests of the future at heart.”
“Yes, sir. But we're also here to make sure nobody tampers with the timestream, aren't we?”
Rufus 3000 looked at her. And then laughed.