(Cue the JERRY SPRINGER introduction theme as well as the obligatory canned applause)
(Enter JERRY SRPINGER)
JERRY = Thank you, thank you. Hello everybody and welcome to the show. Tonights topic is “I Love You Even Though I Really Shouldn't”.
AUDIENCE = Ooooh.
JERRY = So let's get straight into it and bring out tonight's first guest. Please welcome Shego!
(More applause)
(Enter SHEGO)
JERRY = Shego, welcome to the show.
SHEGO = I'd like to say it's nice to be here, but then I'd be lying.
JERRY = Hah. Well, it's nice to have an honest guest.
SHEGO = Oh yeah, honest, that's me.
JERRY = So, Shego, tell us a little about yourself.
SHEGO = Not much to tell really. Got hit by a meteorite once and now I work for a guy who wants to take over the world.
JERRY = Well now, that certainly does sound unusual.
SHEGO = Not when you've hung out with my crowd for a while.
JERRY = I'll take your word for it. Now then, before the show, you told us you're in love with your mortal enemy.
SHEGO = Well, I wouldn't say in love. Not actual love as such. More like rampaging lust.
JERRY = Could you tell us something about him?
SHEGO = Her.
AUDIENCE = *shocked gasp*
SHEGO = She's an underaged teenager who saves the world a lot. Maybe you've heard of her, Kim Possible.
JERRY = Oh yeah. She once saved Cincinatti from a freak tidal wave.
SHEGO = Cheerleader, red hair, green eyes, tits that should be classified as deadly weapons and so on and so forth.
JERRY = And you really like her?
SHEGO = Yes, in the “I'd like to statutory rape her all day long” kind of way.
JERRY = Well, you get the chance to tell her in person because here she is!
(SHEGO stands up in anticipation)
JERRY = Right after these messages.
VOICE = Are your walls bleeding? Does your head drop off and start reciting Shakespeare? Are you afraid to go near bathtubs? Now you no longer need to worry with the Tome of Eternal Darkness! Just cast a quick and easy Narokath-Santak-Xel'lotath spell and the world goes back to the way it's supposed to be. Here's some messages from other people who have tried the Tome of Eternal Darkness.
KARIM = Thanks to the Tome of Eternal Darkness I withstood a horde of zombies and horrors, so that I was there when the ghost of the woman I love came to kill me.
PAUL = Thanks to the Tome of Eternal Darkness I managed to find my way through a Cathredral in the grips of evil, so that I could discover the Dark Guardian that lurked beneath it mere moments before it blew my head off.
VOICE = The Tome of Eternal Darkness. Don't leave home without it.
FEMALE VOICE = This. Isn't. Happening!
JERRY = Welcome back to the show. Our guest today is Shego, who is in love with her mortal enemy, Kim Possible.
SHEGO = Lust, Jerry. I specifically said ‘lust’.
JERRY = And here she is!
(Applause)
(Enter KIM POSSIBLE)
JERRY = Hello there, Kim.
KIM = (whilst eyeing Shego). Hi Jerry. Nice to be here. I guess.
JERRY = Now then, Kim, I trust you know Shego.
KIM = Boy, do I. She's the one I… uhm… hate most.
JERRY = Well, there's something she wants to tell you. Shego, go ahead.
SHEGO = Kim, you know we've been fighting.
KIM = Yeah, I think I can recall one or two scraps.
SHEGO = Not what I mean, Princess. I mean, look I wasn't trying to beat you, not really.
KIM = Oh come on. You keep coming at me with those flaming hands of yours.
SHEGO = Exactly. I can melt through steel, but I've never once even scorched you. Ever wonder why?
KIM = I guess I'm immune to soaring hot plasma fire?
SHEGO = No, Princess. I've been trying to find the right temperature where I'll burn your clothes away without actually harming you.
KIM = *gasps* Shego! Are you trying to tell me…
SHEGO = I want to do you long and hard, Princess.
KIM = What? I… I had no idea. I…
SHEGO = You…?
KIM = Shego, I…
JERRY = We'll hear Kim's response right after these messages.
JILL = I was so stupid.
LETHE = I was so blind.
JILL = Raised with the idea that laguz were nothing but murderous sub-human scum that needed to be eradicated.
LETHE = Hating humans for things they did centuries ago.
JILL = If it hadn't happened, I never would have met her.
LETHE = And we would never have been able to let go.
VOICE = War. It brings out the best in people.
JILL = We're thinking of buying a house a together.
VOICE = War. Can you live without it?
(This message was brought to you by “Work for the Military”)
JERRY = Welcome back. Right before we left, Shego confessed to her enemy Kim that she's in love with her.
SHEGO = No, listen, Jerry, I don't want to write her sappy poetry, I want to tear her clothes off!
JERRY = Kim, is there something you would like to say?
KIM = Shego, do you… really feel that way?
SHEGO = Yeah… yeah, I do.
KIM = Why didn't say so sooner?
SHEGO = I thought I could handle it, but…
KIM = All those wasted missions. All those times I was tied up and helpless without you ever taking advantage of me even once.
SHEGO = Kim! What are you saying!
KIM = I'm saying that every time I return from a mission that included fighting with you, I lock myself up in my bedroom for at least an hour so that I can masturbate like crazy.
SHEGO = Kim…
KIM = I want you to (censored) me, Shego. So bad.
SHEGO = I never would have guessed.
KIM = Oh come on, all the times I tackled you…
SHEGO = All the times I tackled you…
KIM = Shego, let's make up for our lost time.
SHEGO = Right now?
KIM = Of course. No time like the present, right.
(SHEGO tackles KIM)
JERRY = Uhm… girls… I don't think you could do that even on my show. Girls? Hello? Oh dear, let's cut to commercials. What? We can't cut to commercials? But then… Steve!
(Enter STEVE)
AUDIENCE = Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
(STEVE attempts to seperate KIM and SHEGO)
(KIM and SHEGO knock STEVE unconscious)
(Exit STEVE)
(KIM and SHEGO continue where they've left off)
JERRY = Oh dear, I, uhm, I guess it's time for the final thoughts.
(JERRY heads to his little ‘Final Thoughts’ corner)
JERRY = We've all seen it happen. Two people meet and instantly dislike each other and we all know what that means in the long run. Such situations create tensions and tensions need resolving. If there is someone out there you have tension with, please, work it out, be open and honest and deal with your feelings. In the end, it'll be better for everyone. And, also, you won't feel the need to bone each other on national television. That's all for today. Take care of yourself, and each other.
The TV screen went blank. With a dismissive little movement of her hand, Shego flung the remote control away from the bed. She was lying naked in it, with Kim's equally naked body next to her. This wasn't an unusual position for her these days.
“I really don't know why you want to see that lame video over and over and over again, Princess,” Shego said.
“Guess I'm just sentimental,” said Kim. She sighed happily, her head resting on Shego's chest.
“Guess so,” said Shego.
“Hey, I've been thinking,” said Kim.
“Hmm?”
“Maybe we should make another appearance,” said Kim. “You know, an update special kind of thing.”
Shego chuckled briefly. “Sure, why not? They could call it ‘I Lust For You Even Though I Really Shouldn't’.”
“Even Though I Really Should, you mean.”
“Yeah,” said Shego. “That's exactly what I mean.”